Question for all WOMEN. I'm a guy and need to know.
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I'm sure if you are now decent, loving life and working hard at Uni, any girl who likes what they know of you now will see you're working just as hard to make something of yourself. Everyone has a past and as long as you learn from it thats all that matters and a decent girl will see that.0
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Your past affects your relationship. It's good you're honest here, but would you be honest with s woman? I would recommend not lying IF a relationship does present itself. I wouldn't be looking for one though.
You're on the right track. School is important. Work is too, unless you're in med school fir example. Sometimes you just can't work, but I'd try to get a job. I would say moving out would be a huge step in the right direction!
Generally people who look did love find heartbreak. People who relax and live their life. . Well love finds THEM. You have to love yourself before a relationship presents. You can't look af your past as a bad thing. Think of it as a learning tool to better yourself.0 -
I think you are absolutely on the right track, but stay on it and don't worry about dating at the moment. Get on track, love yourself and find a passion that lights a fire under your ***. That's when you find someone. You have your own life that you're happy with and aren't desperately longing for someone. That's when "someone" will show up.
I have a colorful past but the point is it is totally in my past. I feel you, I just started seeing someone and am nervous about mentioning it, but I'm absolutely a better person now.0 -
This all really depends on how stable you are with your sobriety. How much of a struggle is it? What kind of support do you have? You sound like you are just starting to get your life back together and I think you need to do that before you bring someone into an unstable situation. The college scene may not be the ideal place for you to be dating anyway, because you are older and because there is a lot of drinking that goes on there. I think that there will be a time when you can date again and there will be women that will accept you for who you are, but you really need to be in a good place with yourself in order for that to be a healthy situation. I wish you the best.0
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I def would not look to be dating if you are not working at least part time.
I dont think your past is the problem, I think its amazing that you have imporved your life.
But if you are not working, there arent a lot of cheap date options, espcially in the winter.
If you start to date, then you may get depressed because you cant afford to get her even the smallest thing, IE Card, single flower.
I think you need to keep working on you, and make friends.
If the right one comes along, then she comes along.0 -
HUGE RED FLAG: "I'm an alcoholic who has managed to only drink twice this year." NO and I mean NO amount of drinking is OK for an alchoholic!
Danny... Please work on getting your life in order. I really feel sorry for your parents! It sound like they are teetering on a very fine line between enabling your disease, and helping you get out of the hole you created for yourself. PLEASE don't make them regret helping you by providing you food and shelter, and since you don't have a job, paying for your education.
Once you are in control of your life, and that means NO amount of drinking, working (even if it's only part-time while still going to school), and being self-sufficient, then you can consider involving another person in your life, and I guarantee that person will accept your past if they really care for you. But in the meantime, I think your plate is full just trying to take care of you!0 -
I've heard many excellent suggestions above, so I won't try to reiterate them.
I will say, however, that when we begin drinking and/or using drugs steadily at a young age, we stunt our emotional growth. Because we used alcohol or drugs to cope with difficult or uncomfortable situations, we never learned the healthy coping skills of an adult. This means that any emotional difficulties have the capacity to rock us pretty hard, causing us to act inappropriately, and sometimes even to relapse (is that what happened when you drank the two times over the last year?) because we don't know of any other way to deal with emotions.
Yes, there is a recommendation that we don't get involved in an emotional relationship for a year after we get (and STAY) sober. But that is a blanket suggestion that is more for the purpose of discouraging folks to latch onto the first sympathetic person who comes along and will tolerate them. The deeper and more appropriate suggestion is that we don't get involved in a relationship until we are emotionally mature enough to handle it, and to be a good partner.
Sobriety goes much deeper than just not drinking (or using drugs). It means changing those parts of ourselves that kept us drinking and using for so long in the first place. That takes hard work in some sort of a spiritual program (like AA). It doesn't mean you have to be religious. But it does mean that trying to live a better, more spiritual life (trying to be the best person we can possibly become) will certainly speed the maturing process along.
I'm a recovering Alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in years. I'm very active in maintaining my sobriety. My fiance is a recovering addict with a very scary past. But because he demonstrates the willingness to change, to be the best man he can be, and a desire to make sincere amends for his past by changing his behavior and growing up, I gave him a chance. Granted, he was living with his folks when we met, but that was for the sake of his sobriety; he had actually been married and owned several homes of his own previously, or I would not have given him the chance. A man who has never taken the initiative to live on his own and take care of the responsibilities entailed in that is not a man I would have been interested in. Likewise with a man who did not have a job and was not actively looking for one. I completed my university studies while working full-time, so a man who was in school and not working at least part time (unless he had previously saved enough money to enable him to study without working) would just seem lazy to me.
I commend you on turning your life around. You have made a great deal of progress. But take it from one who knows: there's a long way to go yet. Keep moving forward, or you'll fall backward. I suggest you focus on your own emotional growth, doing well in school, and becoming more independent before you go looking for someone to share your life with. Ask yourself this: "What do I have to offer in an adult relationship?" Work on cultivating those things that are missing. The better person you become, the better person you will attract.
I promise if you focus on your own growth first, the wait will be worth it.
Namaste!0 -
I think most of the answers I saw are just silly.
Seriously.
Personality is all that should matter. If you're working to be better, than good for you. Whatever. If you're a good guy and you can make someone happy then that should be all that matters.
Ive been a drug addict, an alcoholic, arrested, barely made it through high school, have terrible work history, and never made it to college...and dont really care to.
Ive been living with my bf for 3 years without working and he takes care of me (and keeps me from falling back into old habits) just fine.0 -
Ok, for those of you saying "none of his past should matter"...YOU ARE IDIOTS. Sorry. But it must be said. A person's past most certainly does matter!!!!
The past as they say is the best indicator of the future. HOWEVER...it is NOT THE ONLY indicator....the PRESENT is just as important!
Fact is you have a pretty checkered past. Many of us do. Your past shows lack of self control, lack of responsibility, lack of ambition, lack of independence....the list goes on. These "issues" you speak of translate to women. While women don't
"need a man" these days, we have jobs and homes and do quite well for ourselves...there is a very attractive quality to a man who has his **** together.
We can try to be all touchy feely here, but the fact is that kind of history is scary for a "healthy" girl looking for a possible "stable" long term mate.
1. History of severe alcoholism means signing up for a life long battle.
2. Lack of job until age 36 means lack of marketable skills, lower earning potential.
3. Lack of moving out of your parent's house means you have never had to be financially responsible for yourself...you have been indulged and taken care of your entire life. You want a woman by your side not another mommy.
All that being said.... look where you are today... SOBER...IN SCHOOL...these are awesome accomplishments!!! You should be very proud and encouraged by how far you have come!!!
My advice is to continue to focus on you I agree with the other comment, that your chances of successfully staying sober will greatly increase with participation in a program.
Get a job. Any job. Choose a job. I know school is taking up your time and you are finding your way. But a job, earning your own money no matter how little feels great! Besides, you are going to need your own money to take a girl out. Because you are a gentleman.
Most imprtantly. Know who you are. Where you have been. Where you are going and what it takes to get there.
Avoid this: "yeah so I have been a mess my entire life... boo hoo... my sad story...so I now I'm trying"
TRY THIS: "This is me, this is what I am up to today, this is where I am headed tomorrow. Yeah, I got some crap in my past, that was that." No crazy elaborations...just short and simple. Empowered and moving to the future is way hotter than damaged and stuck in the past.
You will be fine. After all, this isn't what you need to talk about on a first date (or 3)
Remember, if you make a big enough deal of it it will scary anyone WORTH having away.
If you own it but don't dwell on it or let it define you...then it can't hold you back.
A good girl with see the man you are today....so keep working on THAT guy
Oh, one last thing...beware the types of girls you choose. It may be very easy to be attracted to people who have struggled the same struggles you have...on one hand that can be a great relationship builder...you can share and understand each other. BUT if you are trying to leave your past behind, perhaps consider that two people struggling can also feed each others bad habits. Only you can decide if you are strong enough to support someone else without falling yourself.
I wish you the best 0 -
My point is none of that should matter. Liking someone isn't based off their past, their job, or where they live. Or at least it shouldn't be. If she honestly cares enough about all that crap, she's not worth your time.
AT 18 it's easy to think it shouldn't matter. But it does. When someone is looking for a life partner and father for their future children, it matters. That's not to say it's hopeless. I agree with the person who said
1. get a job NOW
2. Move our of your parents house NOW
3. Start giving a damn.
I tell my 20 year old son, before you start to look for a relationship - you need to have your act together and be a whole person. When you don't have your act together, you will attrack someone who also does not have their act together. Two halves do not make a whole in this case.
So, focus on getting your life together. Awesome that you are in school. Get a job, a place to live, and be proud of who you are. Then, and only then, start to look for someone who can be the mother of your future children.
Proud of you that you are thinking about the future and had the guts to ask!0 -
My point is none of that should matter. Liking someone isn't based off their past, their job, or where they live. Or at least it shouldn't be. If she honestly cares enough about all that crap, she's not worth your time.
These are my thoughts exactly!! If she is the right person for you to be in a relationship with then she will be more interested in who you are now instead of who you were. It sounds like you are doing great now. Just try to be open minded and understanding of issues your potential girlfriend may have as well. Everyone has a past and things they aren't proud of.0 -
Remember too that many women in your age range will have children. I'd be VERY hesitant to have someone around my kids who lives with their parents, doesn't have a job, and is an alcoholic. An alcoholic in recovery is one thing, but you're still having drinks once in a while.
You're making strides, and that's to be commended. But you've got a ways to go still, and you're better off working on you, than a relationship, at this point.0 -
Remember too that many women in your age range will have children. I'd be VERY hesitant to have someone around my kids who lives with their parents, doesn't have a job, and is an alcoholic. An alcoholic in recovery is one thing, but you're still having drinks once in a while.
You're making strides, and that's to be commended. But you've got a ways to go still, and you're better off working on you, than a relationship, at this point.
What she said, and jobs are great for self image.0 -
l would say that you need to be confident in yourself before you can make someone else happy. You have to let go of your past, and work on what's ahead of you. You're letting it hold you back, and a real woman would notice that.
I have been in a similar situation as you, but I had to get my head out of my *kitten* and actually DO the things I "planned" on doing for a real man to notice. I had no problem attracting men who weren't worth ****, but it took a long time to find my husband...who is worthy of the real me. I had to know I was worthy of a man like that first though.0 -
If you are progressing toward a change then no one should judge your past. if you weren't planning on moving upward and onward then you would probably get the eye roll. Just know that you feeling good about yourself is awesome. If a girl can't see past your past then know that she couldn't be someone who will help support you and build you up in a relationship and you don't need her wasting your time anyway. capiche?0
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Hi, I'm an alcoholic too, haven't drank in 22 years. I have to say that I think healthy women will run from you like the plague, but I don't think there are that many healthy women, there are a large number that will want to help you to be all that you can be. I don't think that that usually works long either.
I have to say I'm proud of you, keep up the good work, be honest with yourself and others and YOU will like you.0 -
It's not necessarily about who you were so much as who you're gonna be. The right girl will recognize that. And the right girl will likely have her own "skeletons". Don't let who you were define who you are now, simply because THAT ISN'T YOU ANYMORE. You're a catch, get used to it 0
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Is this a serious post or are you being snarky?
My answer depends on the context
**EDIT: I think he is serious. So heres a serious answer.
Depends on what type of girl you are looking for. If you are looking for a hang and bang/blow n' go type relationship, then there is ALWAYS messed up, emotionally scarred, daddy issues type girls that can be found that really won't care about your past.
If you want an ACTUAL relationship with a girl worth keeping, you're gonna have to change some things...
1 - Get a job. Like... tomorrow.
2 - Move. The. HELL Out of your parents house. Like... tomorrow.
3 - Get confident. Being unsure of yourself is a huge turnoff.
4 - Own up to your mistakes and be honest with yourself. If you can live with your past, then a girl shouldn't have any problems with it.
Trust me on this one, NO ONE is proud about everything in their past.
^
Good Advice!
First Congratulations on your sobriety!! Well done! And Now.......
Just because you are in school does not mean you don't have to work. Get a job (my son went to school full time and worked full time)...it can be done. Once you are working - Move out of your parents home asap! If you're not making much money get a buddy as a roommate. Job + Apartment = Independence and self confidence which will help you to find a healthy relationship. In the meantime casual dates or hook ups as long as both parties don't have any expectations. You have to get your new healthy mind and body lifestyle firmly planted on the floor before you can expect a solid relationship. Best Wishes!0 -
If it was me i would be leery of getting serious with a guy like that. But actions speak pretty loud. From what it sounds like, you have almost completely turned around and are getting serious about life. Which is good. Overall, i would say you are doing great and i wouldn't turn you down because of all you have been threw. Everyone has done things they dont like. But you should def get a job because that would make you look kind of bad with all that has happened.0
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Personally, if I met a guy like you, I'd judge based on who you are now and wouldn't rule out a relationship until I knew you well enough to decide whether I thought you'd changed or not. I know when I was younger I was a completely different person... Angry at the world and with zero ambition. But things change and people change with them. The RIGHT girl will get to know you based on who you are now and who you're working hard to become. Don't give up hope!0
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Somethings been really bothering me lately. I don't plan on getting a job until next year. I'm 36. I'm an alcoholic who has managed to only drink twice this year. (I already know that that is a good thing.) My past is HORRIBLE i.e. hardly any employment, arrests for public intoxication etc, NO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OR ASSAULT, no ambition, hardly any girlfriends at all, and I drank some friends away, all my Facebook friends know that Iv'e always been an alcoholic. I never moved out of my parents house, got a job, or bought a car etc. because I just didn't care about life. Basically I had a problem and I let it take over my ENTIRE life.
Currently I'm doing REALLY good, am exercising, love life, and am going to the local university. There are A LOT of girls there. I lucked out and look like I'm only 24 or 25. I attract girls but am too weary to talk to them because of my past. I mean, what will they do when they find out all this stuff I just told you? It's embarrassing and scary. I know I'm not at school to find a girlfriend but I know something will eventually happen. My question is: with knowing everything I just told you about myself.....how much will all that play a role in whether or not a girl just flat out rolls her eyes at me, says, "Oh my God" and never speaks to me again? I don't approach girls but there ARE girls who will approach me.
Feel free to tell me exactly what you think.
Maybe not the first thing you tell a girl, but eventually tell them the truth because it is better they hear itfrom you then anyone else. Besides if a girl really likes you or eventually loves you they will for who you are and have been regaurdless of your past because everyones got one. Not everyone is perfect!0 -
Never tell a woman, "I'm planning on getting a job next year" unless you don't want to start dating her until next year. A lot of women are willing to overlook a past as long as you have your s*** together currently with a plan to KEEP your s*** together in the long term.
Also, that's awesome that you've only had a few drinks in the last year, but my guess is that if you want a woman to trust you with your past, she better not ever see you take another sip. Just my two cents.0 -
Is this a serious post or are you being snarky?
My answer depends on the context
**EDIT: I think he is serious. So heres a serious answer.
Depends on what type of girl you are looking for. If you are looking for a hang and bang/blow n' go type relationship, then there is ALWAYS messed up, emotionally scarred, daddy issues type girls that can be found that really won't care about your past.
If you want an ACTUAL relationship with a girl worth keeping, you're gonna have to change some things...
1 - Get a job. Like... tomorrow.
2 - Move. The. HELL Out of your parents house. Like... tomorrow.
3 - Get confident. Being unsure of yourself is a huge turnoff.
4 - Own up to your mistakes and be honest with yourself. If you can live with your past, then a girl shouldn't have any problems with it.
Trust me on this one, NO ONE is proud about everything in their past.
She said it. Relationships are serious business, and to have a successful one you have to be fully YOU first. You have a lot to do and a lot to figure out before you're ready for a serious relationship.
My girlfriends & I, all college educated, professional, independent women, have 4 absolutes for choosing a guy.
1) You must have a job & completely support yourself.
2) You must be able to get yourself around, whether that's a car or public transportation or whatever.
3) You can NOT live with your parents. PERIOD.
4) You cannot be addicted to video games.
It's amazing how difficult it is to find a guy that passes. Mine is a purple squirrel!
Good luck to you, & get to work!0 -
Sweetie - thanks for your breath-taking honesty... I would say, given your concerns, that the most important thing you can do is to find yourself a FRIEND first and worry about "the rest of it" later... ALL of us come with baggage, ALL of us. Someone who has learned to trust you and enjoys your company will be able to work WITH you to overcome the junk from the past. But these things take time! I know what you are going through because I have PTSD and have been "torturing" the person I know to be The One because he can't "read" me due to my disability... But - after learning that the two of us are able to stick together through all kinds of tough times, I am FINALLY thinking I can share my story with him. But it has taken me about 2 1/2 years to get to this point... Just go SLOWLY! Try to determine if the person you are interested in has a strong enough character to be worthy of YOU and your life-affirming efforts to change.0
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Is this a serious post or are you being snarky?
My answer depends on the context
**EDIT: I think he is serious. So heres a serious answer.
Depends on what type of girl you are looking for. If you are looking for a hang and bang/blow n' go type relationship, then there is ALWAYS messed up, emotionally scarred, daddy issues type girls that can be found that really won't care about your past.
If you want an ACTUAL relationship with a girl worth keeping, you're gonna have to change some things...
1 - Get a job. Like... tomorrow.
2 - Move. The. HELL Out of your parents house. Like... tomorrow.
3 - Get confident. Being unsure of yourself is a huge turnoff.
4 - Own up to your mistakes and be honest with yourself. If you can live with your past, then a girl shouldn't have any problems with it.
Trust me on this one, NO ONE is proud about everything in their past.
1-4 about sums it up. A past like that wouldn't bother me at all so long as it was in the past. However, I would have an issue with someone I was interested in dating being unemployed and living at home by choice at this stage of my life. I would literally run because I'd be afraid of turning into the new caretaker or mother figure, and I'm only interested in having a partner.0 -
Let your past be your testimony on how far you've come along. We all suffer from a horrible past. It's how you rise above that matters most.0
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I'm dating a recovering alcoholic - he doesn't live with his parents, but he is focussing on his degree rather than working right now.
I think that if you get a job, move out, and try and work through the problems that stuffed your life before, success in all ways (including with women) will start to come into your life.0 -
Dito. as long as you fix everything. move out and get a job (if you are going to school full time you can get away with a part time job. but my hubby works full time and goes to school full time so you can too) what do you mean by HORRIBLE? horrible means you are a sexual weirdo and beat or rape women or children, murder, or skin animals alive. do you mean drugs, alcohol and other petty stuff? cuz thats ok if you are willing to change. but not of course my deffinition of horrible. i would date you if are doing well (job, school, appartment)0
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All women are different and all women have different standards and preferences. I don't think your past would hinder you in a future relationship, but at the same time, I wouldn't offer all that information up front if I was you. If she asks, don't lie. But don't offer more information than you feel she can handle. And by the way, you are VERY attractive, so at least you have that going for you! 0
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Honestly, the lack of a job nor the ambition to get a job at your age would worry me more than the alcoholism.
yes.
Even if he's currently studying at university?!?!! I'd say that is fixing his life and it certainly shows ambition.
Alcoholics have a tremendous earning power and power to succeed once they put the bottle down. At 36 one should be more than able to go to school AND work.
Wait, how does being 36 and a recovering addict have anything to do with time?
I am also in school, although I am only 18, and I hardly have time to keep my job, go to school, AND manage to get good grades. The only reason I have my job still is because I pay for school by myself, no loans no parent help no nothing, and I would have to drop out if I didn't.
It's very hard to go to school and work at the same time, especially in college. Maybe you've forgotten, but I am currently doing it right now.
And alcoholics have the same capability to get things done as normal people, because once they are sober they ARE regular people.0
This discussion has been closed.
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