Child-Free? Negativity from others?

redraidergirl2009

I have always known I did not want children. In fact, I'm looking into getting sterilized. But when I tell some people about not wanting kids or wanting sterilization sometimes they look at me like I'm crazy or just act like it's the most absurd thing they ever heard. What really makes me mad is when people are condescending and say "oh you'll change your mind" or ask what I will do if I happen to get pregnant and then that makes me have to go into a discussion about abortion which makes them look at me like I'm not only crazy, but a demon.

I was just wondering if anyone else gets the same responses when you tell them you want to be be child-free.

Also, if you do have children, why did you decide to? People often think that people who choose not to have kids are selfish, but personally I see it the other way around. Why bring another person into this world for your own benefit? There are lots of children waiting to be adopted already.

foremant86

<<< feels the same way and gets the same reaction. Not to mention my parents hounding me for grandkids...they already have 3 why add more!

FairyMiss

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Also, if you do have children, why did you decide to? People often think that people who choose not to have kids are selfish, but personally I see it the other way around. Why bring another person into this world for your own benefit? There are lots of children waiting to be adopted already.

didnt as much decided to as the stick decided to have two lines. BUT would not change the out come for anything in the world.

---a very happy mommy who loves, is in love with and infatuated with her 12 yearold son, including or maybe because of ASD, OCD, ADHD.

bluegirl10

My hubby and I don't have kids either...well we have three 4-legged ones...lol! For us, if it happens then great, but otherwise we aren't trying to having kids our lives are full as is.

TexasNurseMom78

Love my kids and would not trade them for the world. But I have always know I wanted a family. Sounds like you have always know you did not want them. Sorry that people judge you. I think that it is good that you know you dont want them and are going to take measure to insure that you dont have them rather than having them and not wanting them. Did that make sense?

april_beth

whats right for one person is not always right for another so i tend to look down upon the person for bashing those that dont agree with them.

i always knew i wanted kids. i didnt plan one, planned the other. i wouldnt change it for the world. if you KNOW, you just know; wehther it's wnating them or not. i commend you for having such a strong conviction and im sorry for the asshats that have the balls to say such things to you.

its like if you dont want them, and you have them, how much love are you going to give to them when you didtn want them in the first place? so id rather you not have them, then bring little people into this world that you didnt want. it makes perfect sense to me. ... but should you ever want to babysit, i got a copule for you

SusanneWhittington

Never wanted kids, got the same and still get the same reactions. Though now with 45 I sometimes think it would be nice to have kids for occasions like Christmas etc., but I think that is just a bit of fear of being alone in old age. There comes a drop of sadness when on Holidays the neighbors driveways are full of cars with kids and grandkids and it is just me with my husband and the dog.

tabbydog

If people ask you why you don't have kids, it is none of their business, so burst into tears and tell them that you can't. That'll shut them up.

christy_frank

Are you planning on adopting?

Krizzle4Rizzle

I have always thought I would be a Mom someday I have just never been ready. And who knows if I ever will be? Do I get crap for not having kids? Yes. Mostly people ask me whats wrong with me? And some girls have even stated that I think I am too good to have kids. Um..no I don't. When I tell them that I just want to be ready so I can be a good mom, I then get accused of saying they are not good mothers. Um, not saying that at all. I know what it's like to be parented by someone who was not ready or possibly did not want you and I just don't want to do that to my kid. I have even considered just telling people I can't have kids..just so I don't have to deal with the negativity.

sarah44254

I have this intense desire to go through the pregnancy process. I have even looked into hosting for other couples.

Sometimes I think about having my own child(ren). I feel that I am a smart and generally good person, and am curious to see what kind of better person my child has the potential to become.

But this:

There are lots of children waiting to be adopted already.

always comes back to remind me, why have my own child when I can adopt one that needs me?

It's a circle in my mind. I want my own child to see what my genes can do. I want to adopt a child because obviously there are too many of us already. I also have trouble deciding if I just want to be pregnant or if I really want to have a family/raise a child.

I sense no bad in what you have stated about yourself. It is a sane decision and something that you should never have to be punished for choosing.

lisakatelaunspach

Pple are never satisfied ! If ur single its why don't u have some1. If ur dating then when are you getting married ? When ur married the when are u having kids ? Have a kid then its when are you having another ???? I never wanted kids. I was 'surprised' with my daughter and I love her dearly but if I had a choice I would have stayed kid free. In fact I want 2 sell my eggs cause they're goin 2 waiste. Lol I'm 28 btw so no I'm not going 2 change my mind. But what I do get a LOT of flack 4 is when I say if I have another I want 2 adopt. Pple look @ me like y when you can have ur own ? Wish they'd just shut up !

77tes

My husband never wanted kids, but I wanted a bunch. We had three, and he probably enjoyed them more than I did. I have never understood the selfish argument, but sterilization seems pretty final. There are so many things in my life that have turned out much different and actually better than I ever expected.

However, I have always thought that having children to enjoy "the experience" of pregnancy and childbirth was about the stupidest reason ever.

AHealthierRhonda

Having kids and working with them has never been a question for me but a knowledge that one day I would do both! I always wanted to be a mom. We had 1 child and hubby didn't want anymore. I always wanted more kids. I was an only child and really wish I had siblings. I didn't have a child because of selfishness, I wanted a child to give my love, my heart, and my sole to. I wanted to raise a child to be a person that would make a difference in the world, maybe not the whole world, but to someone's world.
I don't think having a child is selfish or not wanting to ahve one is selfish. I think everyone is different and needs to do what they want to do. Do I think some people should not have kids? ABSOLUTELY! I jsut heard of an 11 yr old girl in the town next to mine that is expecting!! Just blows my mind since my daughter is 12! People that want a baby because they need someone to love them no matter what, they are selfish, but obviously fractured in some way.
A friend of mine never wanted children. She wants it all in her career. I say go for it! it's what she wants. I am willing to give up the "things" in life because for me, raising a child offers me so much more satisfaction and gratification. Be proud to be sure in what you want and do what you want! It is your body! And, as you said, SHOULD you ever "change your mind", adoption is ALWAYS an option! (I was adopted and really want to adopt of foster a child)

afwg1979

Follow your heart . . .

VeganGal84

I'm child-free and I plan to adopt older children some day, once I have established a nice career for myself.

Where I live, it's pretty unheard of to be my age (27) and not only never been married but have no children. I can't wait to move somewhere that waiting until your mid to late thirties for kids is the norm.

I never thought that I wanted pregnancy, but lately I've thought that I may be ready for that step in about 10 years, even though I mostly want to adopt older kids, probably in my 40's or 50's. Time will tell, and there is no rush, especially since I've never really wanted pregnancy, so if it doesn't happen for me, I won't be sad.

I'm ridiculously pro-choice about children. Have them or don't, but do it on YOUR TERMS only.

katkins3

Two of my daughters have decided not to have children. Here is why, their observations have confirmed, "You get married, you have a kid or two, he leaves."
This is not my theory. All through high school all their classmates seem to be from single parent homes and almost always Mom struggling to raise the kids and pay the bills while the ex is on vacation with wife #2. They have almost no examples of happy, long lasting relationships to point to. Their Dad dumped me for the owner of the company I worked for! They don't want to raise a child alone and don't have any faith in promises.
I can see their point! I would like to see them have children of their own, but I never pressure them. My son and youngest daughter have children, so its not like I'm deprived of grandchildren. I raised intelligent, independent women and I respect their choice.

Teliooo

I never wanted kids, got pregnant at 25. cried about it a lot but could not have an abortion, especially as i had a miscarriage once and it was the worst thing I have ever gone thorough. I didn't realise what going through all that would do to my head and having a child really helped me through it. I love my kid would not ever change it, although I do not want any more as it is hard work even with though I am with his da. I wouldn't feel the need to get sterilised though, it seems far to drastic. If you don't want kids cool but I wouldn't put my body though that.

I know what you mean though. I hate when people tell me, oh you will want more kids. Umm no I don't . One is enough and I know that for sure. I do want to adopt or foster but defo not babies and `i do not want to go through having a baby r toddler again. Too much like hard work. I feel pressured to have another one. I have even been told i am selfish for just choosing to have one. Some people are idiots.

_SusieQ_

I never got that from my parents really, but I think it's b/c my sister started having them at 18 (I was 25 at the time and married 2 years). She has 3 and another on the way (she is 33 now). So my parents have always had grandchildren to spoil, and I didnt' get that pressure. But from outside people it was more like when meeting new people someone would ask, Do you have children? and when I say no, they would be like, Oh, are you going to? Again, when I say no, you get "that look". But that was mostly in my early 30s. Now that I'm 40, not so much.

When I was younger I wanted kids very much. Then after my sister started having them, I felt responsibility for them. (long story about her being an irresponsible idiot) I love my nieces and nephews with a passion I never that I had. I have helped raise them, provided for them, gone broke over them. But now realize that as much as I love being a part of their lives, I don't want the 24/7. It's just not me...don't have the desire or the patience. I have the best of both worlds (IMO) right now, and wouldn't trade it.

LaDiablesse

I have always wanted kids & was told that there was a chance I couldn't or that it would be very difficult for me. Long story, but I have 4 now. I don't see people not wanting kids as a bad thing. It's their life & their choice. Never would I say something negative to them about it. Some people just feel the need to push their feelings on to other people.

kb455

Also, if you do have children, why did you decide to? People often think that people who choose not to have kids are selfish, but personally I see it the other way around. Why bring another person into this world for your own benefit? There are lots of children waiting to be adopted already.

I think I just always knew I wanted kids. when I was a teenager, my older sisters were having kids and that sealed it for me. I just wanted to be a mom. As for my childless -by -choice friends, I don't consider them selfish at all. I think it would be much more selfish to have a child just to conform to society's idea of the norm.

When you mention about the sterilization, I'm curious if you've had problems finding a doctor to do it. I know several friends who wanted to have their tubes tied following a c-section and if they're under 30 or only have one child, the doctor will often turn them down, in case they change their minds later. It surprises me but this has happened to more than one of my friends.

poustotah

When I got pregnant with my daughter, I was waking up at noon every day and looking for a bottle. I partied every night, made butt loads of money and just didn't care. I had already had 2 abortions at this point and this was a wake up call. I knew that if I didn't keep that baby, I was going to kill myself. So I had her. I dropped the booze, went back to and finished college, started saving money for a house and completely turned my life around. When she was born, I had no clue what to do with her. So we hung out. I taught her Russian. I read all of the books that I wasn't supposed to read to her. We went on vacations and she was the best thing that happened to me.

Now I have 4 kids and am a stay at home mom. All of them have added so much to my life that wasn't there before and it was all by chance. I am not the world's greatest mom. Hell, most days, I don't even think I'm a good mom. But I try awful hard and we have so much fun together.

I wish I could tell you that you'll change your mind but you might not and that's just the reality of it all. Having kids is SO hard. The pregnancies were all difficult and at times I feel like I've lost a part of myself that was there before I had kids. In the end though, I wouldn't trade one of those precious first smiles, or first steps, for anything in the world. Don't pay too much attention to what others think. I thought I wouldn't have kids - ever. I didn't want them either.

DaniellePF

I was the same way, and people did the same thing to me. I saw it the other way around, too. Unless you want a child for the right reasons, it would be selfish to do it because society says you should. There is no law out there that says all women MUST bear child. LOL. HOWEVER, I ended up pregnant and I LOVE my little girl more than life itself and I am so glad she is here. BUT, that does not change the fact that I am planning on stopping at one child. Guess what??? People do the same damn thing when they hear you are only having one. "You are not going to give her a sibling? That is so sad!" So I am selfish for that reason, now. I want to give my daughter the world, and I feel I only have it in me to do it all once. I feel that I would be spread to thin and would be a horrible mother if I had more than one, but I am a stellar mother to my girl. That doesn't sound to me like I am being selfish, but the other way around.

Its all bull****--because these choices are PERSONAL and YOUR OWN (unless, of course, these people that flap their gums with the unsolicited opinions are gonna pay for your prenatal care, breastfeed your baby, pay its way through school, and get up in the middle of the night, too). If that is the case, then maybe they can have a say, otherwise, its your life and nobody has anything to say about it and the choices you make for living it but you.

chelekaz

I think that like everything in life, your body and life = your choice. My cousin and his wife wanted to be able to be free to do things (work, travel, whatever) without having kids. To be honest neither had the best childhood which added into it.

That said..

I knew from when I was a little girl that the ONLY thing that I ever wanted to be was a Mommy. I am now a proud mommy of 2 (8 and 6yrs) and I have a 20 year old step daughter. If I could have started earlier and had more I definitely would have...

sundancer1966

I am child free because of a health condition, then we did not have the money to adopt, and I people still give me attitude about it. I got a tubal ligation so I would not have to face having an abortion, because there is no choice for me, neither I or the baby would likely survive. Not worth the risk. But, people still judget. Somedays it breaks my heart. But, I love my life the way it is, and I am happy with what life has handed me. Maybe I was not meant to be a parent in this life, and I have come to terms with it. I make no apologies for it.

Don't feel that you have to justify your decisions to anyone. I have several friends who made the decision not to be parents. And I do know people who became parents who had no business reproducing because they are not raising their children.

I have nothing for respect for the fantastic parents out there, and at the same the same respect for people who know that parenthood is not for them.

cabaray

I have two beautiful daughters that I would not trade for the world. Having children is a personal decision. Some people just don't want kids and I have no problem with that. It's hard for me to understand how a woman couldn't want a child, but I have a strong maternal instinct. I'm sure it's just as hard for someone who doesn't want kids why I wanted them so bad. There is no sense in bringing a child into the world when you don't want one. To me, that is selfish. Best of luck to you and screw anyone who thinks down on you because of your decision.

SyntonicGarden

Heh. I got married in June and that was the first thing people were asking about / hoping for. We're in our mid thirties and we haven't firmly decided not to have kids. We just decided that we shouldn't have them right now. I'm the breadwinner with a heck of a commute. He's a full-time college student, thanks to the post 9/11 GI bill. We weren't able to take a honeymoon because of his school schedule and because we recognized that we simply couldn't afford it.

If we were to have kids right now, either I'd have to take time off from work, which is bad since I'm the only one with a job, or he'd have to adjust his school schedule. He's currently a candidate for the academic honor society at his school and we might need to rely on scholarships to get him into grad school. I'm going to school part-time in addition to working. I barely have time or energy to cook dinner some days. Daycare is too expensive and we don't have family nearby to help out. I would love a family, but now isn't the right time.

So I ask people (most especially the pushy ones) to tell me why I'd want to have a child that I would struggle financially to raise or would have to pawn off on other people to raise and be too tired to see so that I could go to work. Granted, it can be done. Single moms have been making due (and doing without) for years. I have a choice not to do it and that's the choice I'm exercising for now.

Maybe once he's done with school, has a decent job, and I can afford to take time off to care of a family, maybe we'll have one. For now, it's me, he, and a very well-loved dog.

rmsrws

I preach to my two youngest that there is no "rule book" that states you have to get married, or that you have to have children in life to be happy and successful!

My oldest on the other hand seems to think nothing of going and being fruitful and multiply ( he is 22 and has three babys from three different baby mommas) I love my grand daughters they are awesome and bring me a lot of joy!

I often get judged because if I knew now, what I didn't understand 22 years ago and 9 months, I would of opted for sticking with the four legged babies!

I love my children deeply and would do anything with in reason for them, but if I had a redo I would of opted for a childless life! I am sure there are a few others out there who feel the same way I do, but are afraid to admit due to the harsh judgement from others! People shouldn't be so quick to judge. Sometimes if people could walk in someone elses shoes they would understand, this applies to several things!

You are the only one that can answer what you want in life. You should not be judged for it.

If it's easier after you get sterilized, just tell people you simply can't have children. They don't need to know it was your choice!

Best wishes~

Teliooo

I was the same way, and people did the same thing to me. I saw it the other way around, too. Unless you want a child for the right reasons, it would be selfish to do it because society says you should. There is no law out there that says all women MUST bear child. LOL. HOWEVER, I ended up pregnant and I LOVE my little girl more than life itself and I am so glad she is here. BUT, that does not change the fact that I am planning on stopping at one child. Guess what??? People do the same damn thing when they hear you are only having one. "You are not going to give her a sibling? That is so sad!" So I am selfish for that reason, now. I want to give my daughter the world, and I feel I only have it in me to do it all once. I feel that I would be spread to thin and would be a horrible mother if I had more than one, but I am a stellar mother to my girl. That doesn't sound to me like I am being selfish, but the other way around.

Its all bull****--because these choices are PERSONAL and YOUR OWN (unless, of course, these people that flap their gums with the unsolicited opinions are gonna pay for your prenatal care, breastfeed your baby, pay its way through school, and get up in the middle of the night, too). If that is the case, then maybe they can have a say, otherwise, its your life and nobody has anything to say about it and the choices you make for living it but you.

this!!!

redraidergirl2009

Yea I'm not sure I get the whole "experience of pregnancy" bit either.

I hate going to get an annual exam, I can't imagine a watermelon coming out of there. I have had friends who have had kids and I ask them how delivery was and they're usually honest, but I wasn't aware that they have to cut your genitals sometimes so the baby can come out and they have to sew it back up, or they get torn in the process. That is just horrifying!

_SusieQ_

OP, I don't think you are selfish at ALL for not wanting to have kids. I know some people that think you aren't complete unless you pro-create. I'm sorry, I have to disagree; I love my life. I have a wonderful husband, whom I have been married to for 18 years. My parents have been married for 45 years, so it's not a case of coming from broken home that makes me not want children. It just wasn't for me. And I think it's a lot more common with the "Generation X" crowd. I know that when I look around at my close group of friends, it's almost an even split of those who have/don't have kids. You would never have seen that a couple generations ago.