Child-Free? Negativity from others?

Options
135

Replies

  • cabaray
    cabaray Posts: 971 Member
    Options
    About the pregnancy thing, I enjoyed both times I was pregnant. I never had morning sickness and had tons of energy until around 8 months. There was a little hiccup in the birth of my first (she was over 9lbs 2 weeks early), but I really looked forward to being pregnant again. I've known others that were miserable the entire time they were pregnant. Just the luck of the draw I guess. I certainly didn't want kids just to experience pregnancy, I can't even rationalize that kind of thinking.
  • Tiggerrick
    Tiggerrick Posts: 1,078 Member
    Options
    Being a parent is not for everyone. It's perfectly OK. Pregnancy is only 9 months, parenting is for your entire life. It's a comitment, not a fleeting whim.

    I am an unwilling father of one. If I could go back in time, I don't know that I would or would not prevent having him. I mean, I do love my son (even though he frustrates the sht out of me) but knowing what I know now, maybe I would have had a vasectomy at 18.

    Why is it selfish to NOT want to be a parent?
  • Uk_Yogini
    Uk_Yogini Posts: 167
    Options
    Having kids I feel is a very personal choice. I am kid free and very happy with my life as it is. I never had a desire to have any and certainly don't feel like I missed out on anything.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
    Options
    There's nothing wrong or selfish about not wanting to have children.

    There's also nothing wrong or selfish about wanting to have your own biological children rather than adopting.

    This is not a black-or-white, right-or-wrong issue.
  • slimkitty
    slimkitty Posts: 418
    Options
    I have two children and cannot imagine my life without them. I was one to always say I didn't want any kids. Then one day in my thirties I just got this urge to be pregnant and have a baby. It was so strong and I couldn't think about anything else. I had a baby girl and a couple of years later I had baby boy. Then all of a sudden the urge to be pregnant and have more babies was just gone and I know that I am happy with my two kids and don't want any more. I have no explanation of what changed my mind. It just happened
  • loseit4ever
    loseit4ever Posts: 187 Member
    Options
    I have three children and always knew I wanted kids, but I have to say...it is a HUGE responsibility that should be thought through very carefully because it's not easy. I love my children to death, but my husband and I often joke about the good old days when we had money, could do whatever we wanted, and didn't have to worry every minute of our lives about if we are being good parents.

    I think it is extremely smart of you to really consider your feelings of not wanting to. It's nobody else's business anyway. I hate that people always pressure others into doing what they think they should do. Children should never be brought into the world just because someone feels they should.

    Having kids changes your life forever, and even though it is very rewarding, it is the biggest challenge of my life! You question yourself and your decisions constantly and you just pray that you raise healthy, happy and well-adjusted kids. I commend you for not just jumping into it because of pressure. There would be nothing worse than having them because of the pressure of others and then being resentful and unhappy...the rest of your life is a long time to go through that!
  • bethdris
    bethdris Posts: 1,090 Member
    Options
    I was child free (not couting a step son who didn't live with us and only came to visit from time to time) for the first 9 years of our marriage. Some of it was by choice, (for the first year) and then we decided we wanted a family. My true dream was to be a mother. I know for some, thats NO where on their radar, and thats fine. I don't belittle people for wanting/not wanting children. For some they are very career oriented, and know they don't have the time nor desire to be a parent. Kudos to those who REALIZE this BEFORE having the kids!

    Anyway long story short we had a miscarriage and then coudn't get pregnant. We went through the mill with drs, etc and nothing helped. We gave up on having our own biological children together, and decided we will do foster care, and hopefully would be blessed to adopt some day. Well, the powers that be gave us a big life change...we went from 0 to 2 , kids ages 2 and 4 weeks literally over night (from the foster agency), 3 mos later I got pg(total miracle), and gave birth to healthy baby boy. That same summer we were able to adopt our 2 foster sons. Our little tribe are now 4.5 yrs old, 2.5yrs old and 1.5 yrs old.

    The first year was HARD to say the least, but now that everyone is mobile and almost all talking, its getting a ittle easier! I wouldn't change the way our family came about for anything!! We are blessed!!!
  • conidiring
    conidiring Posts: 230 Member
    Options
    Married for 19 years, no kids. Neither my husband or I wanted/had the urge for them. People do tell us all the time that we'd make great parents, but no one has badgered us. My family knew from high school that I didn't want kids (didn't want to get married either!). If it ever did happen (more and more unlikely, as we're 47 now), we'd accept it and move on. It's hard to meet new people. The first question is always, so do you have kids? When we say no the conversation drops and they move on to others that they have children in common with. So be it...there is more to live than your children! I do feel bad for my mom and my sister,, she's always wanted grandchildren and my sister wanted kids as much as I didn't but couldn't have them. My brother has finally had a baby (well of course he didn't, his wife did!) so now mom is feeling a bit better. I just never had the desire. Love kids, just like to give them back to their parents after a few hours! I have my fur babies and that's plenty for me!!!
  • chocolateandvodka
    chocolateandvodka Posts: 1,856 Member
    Options
    Wow. Definitely sending you a friend request. It's like i wrote that.

    I take contraception extremely seriously because i DO NOT want a child and never have. I have never once had an ounce of maternal instinct and when people give me the "oh you'll change your mind someday" speech i want to punch a kitten.

    Where i live, sterilization is not an option unless there is medical justification or you have at least one living child. I have looked into it and it angers me that i do not have the option to make this choice.

    I've received a lot of negativity for this decision, but in my opinion, the worst thing i could do to a child is bring one into the world when i am neither ready nor willing to be a parent.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
    Options
    A few years ago, someone asked me if I had kids, and I said no and that I don't want any.

    "Oh, you'll change your mind once you hit 30."

    "I'm 37."

    I just don't have a biological clock. I have no maternal instincts. I think babies are cute and amazing, but I feel the same way about those little tiny cassette tapes for answering machines.
  • april_beth
    april_beth Posts: 617 Member
    Options
    Yea I'm not sure I get the whole "experience of pregnancy" bit either.

    I hate going to get an annual exam, I can't imagine a watermelon coming out of there. I have had friends who have had kids and I ask them how delivery was and they're usually honest, but I wasn't aware that they have to cut your genitals sometimes so the baby can come out and they have to sew it back up, or they get torn in the process. That is just horrifying!

    wait, im going to assume that this is not the total reason why you dont want children...this is just the extra right? cause i mean christ, ill never forget the pain and **** but it wasnt like i wouldnt have another one cause of it...but for the record, im effin DONE!! :) and i didnt have to get cut at all...not even the tiniest bit and i never tore so not everyone goes through that kind of torture - that normally you dont feel anyways cause youre all doped up and numb :)

    now ill take the doped up part any time, any day as long as i didnt have to come home with a newborn...:)
  • FairyMiss
    FairyMiss Posts: 1,812 Member
    Options
    If people ask you why you don't have kids, it is none of their business, so burst into tears and tell them that you can't. That'll shut them up. :wink:
    [/quote

    or better yet , if you have pets and they ask about kids, say oh i do , and whip out pics of the furbabies. not only will they shut up they just might run :laugh: :laugh:
  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
    Options
    I can't stand people who get judged for not having children, or wanting them.

    People can do whatever they'd like in that regard. Somebody who doesn't think they want to be a parent... SHOULDN'T BE.
  • Qarol
    Qarol Posts: 6,171 Member
    Options
    The only person who really made a minor fuss over my husband and my decision not to have kids was his mother. But that was once, and I set her straight. I've never really had anyone accuse me of being selfish, although I have heard of others having that experience. I find that sad. Some of my friends have been surprised by my decision, but only momentarily. I think I just have a face that says don't *kitten* with me.
  • april_beth
    april_beth Posts: 617 Member
    Options
    I was child free (not couting a step son who didn't live with us and only came to visit from time to time) for the first 9 years of our marriage. Some of it was by choice, (for the first year) and then we decided we wanted a family. My true dream was to be a mother. I know for some, thats NO where on their radar, and thats fine. I don't belittle people for wanting/not wanting children. For some they are very career oriented, and know they don't have the time nor desire to be a parent. Kudos to those who REALIZE this BEFORE having the kids!

    Anyway long story short we had a miscarriage and then coudn't get pregnant. We went through the mill with drs, etc and nothing helped. We gave up on having our own biological children together, and decided we will do foster care, and hopefully would be blessed to adopt some day. Well, the powers that be gave us a big life change...we went from 0 to 2 , kids ages 2 and 4 weeks literally over night (from the foster agency), 3 mos later I got pg(total miracle), and gave birth to healthy baby boy. That same summer we were able to adopt our 2 foster sons. Our little tribe are now 4.5 yrs old, 2.5yrs old and 1.5 yrs old.

    The first year was HARD to say the least, but now that everyone is mobile and almost all talking, its getting a ittle easier! I wouldn't change the way our family came about for anything!! We are blessed!!!

    i hear this story quite often and i believe that you got pregnant because the powers to be saw how unselfish you were and took in one that needed you; so now here is your thank you gift, finally getting pregnant :) you were meant to adopt that child for a reason, he/she was meant to have YOU...i love this.
  • vim_n_vigor
    vim_n_vigor Posts: 4,089 Member
    Options
    It sounds like sterilization is for you, especially if you are ready to jump into an abortion.
  • Sh1tsRainbows
    Sh1tsRainbows Posts: 1,227 Member
    Options
    I think its your choice and you probably get the negativity cause its not the "norm"...but thats your decision. CONGRATS on making that choice and dont let anyone change your mind!!!

    As for the pregnancy thing..i have 2 kids and HATED being pregnant.

    and to choose not to have kids is much better then the a**hats that have 4, 5, 6 kids and cant afford them...get food stamps, eat steak
    ON MY DOLLAR
  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
    Options
    The only person who really made a minor fuss over my husband and my decision not to have kids was his mother. But that was once, and I set her straight. I've never really had anyone accuse me of being selfish, although I have heard of others having that experience. I find that sad. Some of my friends have been surprised by my decision, but only momentarily. I think I just have a face that says don't *kitten* with me.
    I'm not sure how you would be considered selfish for not wanting to procreate.
    IMO it's more selfish to have a child due to pressue from outsiders and give that child a so so existence because you never wanted kids.

    But that's just my opinon.
    I hate people getting judged on this.
  • redraidergirl2009
    redraidergirl2009 Posts: 2,560 Member
    Options

    Also, if you do have children, why did you decide to? People often think that people who choose not to have kids are selfish, but personally I see it the other way around. Why bring another person into this world for your own benefit? There are lots of children waiting to be adopted already.

    I think I just always knew I wanted kids. when I was a teenager, my older sisters were having kids and that sealed it for me. I just wanted to be a mom. As for my childless -by -choice friends, I don't consider them selfish at all. I think it would be much more selfish to have a child just to conform to society's idea of the norm.

    When you mention about the sterilization, I'm curious if you've had problems finding a doctor to do it. I know several friends who wanted to have their tubes tied following a c-section and if they're under 30 or only have one child, the doctor will often turn them down, in case they change their minds later. It surprises me but this has happened to more than one of my friends.

    I talked to my doctor about it and she didn't raise any concern, however I was asking about the essure procedure which doesn't require surgery, it can be done there in the office. They insert two coils that block off your fallopian tubes. It's cheaper and there's not really any down time. I have yet to check if my insurance covers it though.
  • AngelikaLumiere
    AngelikaLumiere Posts: 862 Member
    Options
    If people ask you why you don't have kids, it is none of their business, so burst into tears and tell them that you can't. That'll shut them up. :wink:

    Don't do this, cancer took my chance of motherhood away, so I don't think it is something you should joke about. It also wouldn't work, because people are always tell me to adopt. My best friend knew in high school she didn't want to be a mother and she has been very happy in her life and grateful that she never did have kids, because her marriage failed, due to his chemical dependencies. She just tells people in a matter of fact way, I don't think I would be a good mother. And she is so firm in her tone of voice no one argues with her.

Categories