Going on a date while still legally married....Wrong?

jennajava

I guess my question is....is this a coffee between friends or starting a dating relationship? Obviously you are grown and will be making your own choices but if you are asking the question I also wonder if you are torn about doing this.

In my honest opinion I would not go on a date with someone while legally married. I believe in the marriage commitment/contract and until it is legally broken I don't believe anyone should start anything new.

I think I'm the only one on here so far that disagrees with this but you are going to make your own choices. Personally, I don't believe it's right and I wouldn't do it.

The reason why I'm torn is because of the family I come from and our beliefs. I do respect marriage very strongly and wanted to make my marriage work until the very end. He was the one that wanted out...We were not married for a long time...only about 2 years. We don't have any kids and nothing binding us together. I respect my marriage (whats left of it) to not commit adultry but my intentions are strickly to go out with this guy and just get to know each other. I'm pretty sure my divorce will be final by the end of this year which is what? Like a month and a half or so, give or take? So why not is all I was arguing to my mom....but hey, every body is going to have their own opinion.

Then, if it were me, I probably wouldn't do it just for the sake of keeping the peace. I know what it's like to have a mom that rides your back!

mynameiscarrie

I don't see a problem with it. The only thing I would be wary of is your soon-to-be-ex using it against you in court if it came down to that. "She went on a date before we were divorced" and it comes off as you fooling around while still married which could end badly. I would go for coffee and make sure not to do anything else, personally.

fit4mom

Think of it this way. Everytime you break a relationship you leave behind a piece of your heart. That person will always have that spot in your heart. If there is a future someone out there how much heart will you have to give them as you are a gift. The last thing is that every time you are with one person you bring them into the next relationship. It's not just mental but physical. It's important to really step back and take a good look at things before you move on. Be the best you that you can be to show in whole the amazing gift of value you are.

Bonita_Lynne_58

I see nothing wrong with you going out with this man. Go and enjoy every minute!

rebeccaME207

I think its fine if both partys agree that its done! We live in a diff time where finances are tight and divorces cost as well as people are in homes they cant sell and stuck w someone even though the relationship is over. When its over its over you dont need a paper to say go and date! Do it up!

Ksnoddy87

I did it, too, but with a twist. My husband and I were separated, but still friends and living in the same house -- separate bedrooms. Okay, not everyone can do this, but we were buds and still got a long very well, even though there was no chance of remaining married. After some months of this I told him I wanted to start dating. He said okay as long as I didn't bring anyone to the house. I went on a few casual dates with some guys and then met someone I really liked. Once it got serious I moved out, got divorced a few years later, and then ten years later I married my "rebound guy". I was totally honest with both guys every step of the way and it worked out for everyone! So, coffee? Yeah, go for it, just be honest with everyone involved.

Lucy

Isn't that a Fran Drescher sitcom?

No...I literally had a "first episode Fran Drescher situation" with my husband which is why were not together and will NEVER get back together, think about it...lmbo!!

Ksnoddy87

Think of it this way. Everytime you break a relationship you leave behind a piece of your heart. That person will always have that spot in your heart. If there is a future someone out there how much heart will you have to give them as you are a gift. The last thing is that every time you are with one person you bring them into the next relationship. It's not just mental but physical. It's important to really step back and take a good look at things before you move on. Be the best you that you can be to show in whole the amazing gift of value you are.

Powerful words....that really is something to think about, thank you :flowerforyou:

jetscreaminagain

The courts move slowly where I live. I didn't want to date while I was separated but met my current husband a couple months after I separated. First time he saw me, I still had my wedding ring on (I would have left an abusive marriage sooner if not for the fact that I didn't "believe" in divorce. Now I recognize it as a gift from God, and I'll back that up with scripture, but not here in the main forums).

Then a few weeks later we met and talked. By then there'd been a court hearing and he was a not nice man so I took off the wedding ring then. I talked to my current husband, and was attracted to him, but we didn't see each other again (with eyes, not in the dating sense) for a full year practically. By then I was STILL in the process of divorcing, with no major headway. There was an Order for Protection to start the divorce, and by this time it was about to expire or had recently. It took a full 2.5 years to get a court date that was imminent enough to inspire my ex- to try to negotiate (mind you, there's small children who would have benefited from some stability this whole time).

By the time the ex started negotiating a settlement, I was dating my current husband. Hubs was a fixture in my kids lives and provided the stability and structure they needed despite the upheaval around them.

So yeah, I dated only one man and ended up marrying that man. But I did this while I was legally separated. But no where near as far a long as you have gotten.

Mind you, during this time my neighbors found my ex on a dating site with a RIDICULOUS profile, something about "now that I"m finally out of a loveless marriage I want to find someone different" and then described, essentially me, including "can insert a fart joke into a discussion of Mid-East Peace". My hubs saw it and rewrote the profile for him. We lost it, but I remember he wrote, next to the Kids? question, "maybe, but if its just hers, that will be alright too". I loved that.

Once there was an agreement signed and notarized and sent to the courts, it was only about a week before it was recorded and official. So if you wait, hopefully it won't be a long one. I hope you get a guy that can support you as you figure out what you need (my ex got a little stalk-y and I got weird about where hubs parked when he came over and whether or when I'd answer my cell phone. I was sort of a crazy person, but it was a CRAZY divorce).

So do what feels right to you, not your mom, or me, or anyone else. Do what's right for you, and enjoy yourself. You're a smart cookie and can figure it out for you. Best of luck!

jessielorraine

Hun im sure he has probably done more than going to get coffee with someone. Youre seperated and arent together. Go for it!! Have fun. You only live once.

jetscreaminagain

I spent the last several months of my marriage feeling ugly, unworthy, and unlovable...dating helped me regain my self-confidence and help me establish a "self" outside of my marriage.

Uggh! I forgot how powerful this really is. It was terrible how emotionally beaten down I was, how unloved and useless I felt. There was a VERY good looking guy that I met during the separation because he had a fluffy dog and my daughter gravitated to it. He asked me out and I declined because I knew I wasn't ready. He called me a few times and said things like how pretty I was and "you didn't go get married since we last talked" or something like that that was more charming and funny than what I just said. The timing never was right, but he was kind and complimentary and started me on my way to building myself back up. Having a strong functioning self is important in a divorce when you have to all of a sudden advocate for yourself.

Iamfit4life

I did it, too, but with a twist. My husband and I were separated, but still friends and living in the same house -- separate bedrooms. Okay, not everyone can do this, but we were buds and still got a long very well, even though there was no chance of remaining married. After some months of this I told him I wanted to start dating. He said okay as long as I didn't bring anyone to the house. I went on a few casual dates with some guys and then met someone I really liked. Once it got serious I moved out, got divorced a few years later, and then ten years later I married my "rebound guy". I was totally honest with both guys every step of the way and it worked out for everyone! So, coffee? Yeah, go for it, just be honest with everyone involved.

Lucy

I kind of did this too

Tori_356

if you're seperated then go for it

xtinalovexo

As long as the new guy knows and doesn't mind being your rebound.

do u like mercedes?

Ely82010

It seems to me that if you ask the question (or approval or permission) to total strangers, you are not sure that it is the right thing to do.

Search deep inside your conscience and decide what is right for you, and think what are you going to do if your "date" asks you next week for another cup of coffee, or lunch or dinner, and later on for some "fringe" benefits? Will you be able to say No all the time?

You made a vow when you got married, are you ready to break it before everything is signed?

Ksnoddy87

I spent the last several months of my marriage feeling ugly, unworthy, and unlovable...dating helped me regain my self-confidence and help me establish a "self" outside of my marriage.

Uggh! I forgot how powerful this really is. It was terrible how emotionally beaten down I was, how unloved and useless I felt. There was a VERY good looking guy that I met during the separation because he had a fluffy dog and my daughter gravitated to it. He asked me out and I declined because I knew I wasn't ready. He called me a few times and said things like how pretty I was and "you didn't go get married since we last talked" or something like that that was more charming and funny than what I just said. The timing never was right, but he was kind and complimentary and started me on my way to building myself back up. Having a strong functioning self is important in a divorce when you have to all of a sudden advocate for yourself.

I completely understand that...this new guy is nothing like my ex...I didn't realize how much my self-esteem had plummeted until I met the new guy...I hardly believe him when he compliments me...its nice to finally have something positive in my life...for the last couple of years its all been negativity and for once in my life I've met someone that is so pleasant...I'm going to go for it

AZTrailRunner

It seems to me that if you ask the question (or approval or permission) to total strangers, you are not sure that it is the right thing to do.

Search deep inside your conscience and decide what is right for you, and think what are you going to do if your "date" asks you next week for another cup of coffee, or lunch or dinner, and later on for some "fringe" benefits? Will you be able to say No all the time?

You made a vow when you got married, are you ready to break it before everything is signed?

Marriages often easily end before the courts have their say. The mere fact the OP is considering dating can mean she no longer finds the vows to be applicable.

lor007

I already replied, but I thought I would say a bit more.

If you feel like you are done with the relationship, then you should feel free to move forward. Some people may disagree, but as long as you are ready there is nothing wrong with it. A lot of people have replied to this thread with something along the lines of "it is just coffee," which is true but, even if it were more than coffee it would be okay. Live your life for you, it is much more enjoyable that way.

Shannonigans84

my ex and I both did so.

This. Go enjoy yourself!

dippystick

I'd say go, have a good time, carry on with getting a life of your own.

My oldest DD's husband moved out of their house and left her and their three boys 2 years ago and moved back home with his parents. She finally decided she had enough and told him she was filing for divorce. No papers have been started yet, neither has a lawyer yet, but he went 4 states away to get his girlfriend and she now lives with him in his parent's house. It gets me that they are OK with this. Neither the future ex or his girlfriend are working. No they are not kids, they are almost 40.

So I'd say, it starts with a cup of coffee and then matures. but at least you have the papers waiting for the judge to sign.

LisaKyle11

i think, under the circumstances you listed, it is just fine. i've been there... and i did date under our circumstances.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

Try not to let your mom get under your skin-- I know it's hard but you're a grown woman and if you want to date then you should. You're not leading your ex to believe that there's any hope for your marriage, so legally or not, it is over. It'd be something else if he wasn't aware you were divorcing him, but papers filed = divorce for me. Go for it and have a good time, just take it slow

hazelnut861

Oh dear Lord if your marriage was anything like mine is GO! You deserve it. I'm living through you lol

cobracars

Don't kid yourself, Its not 'just coffee'.
Its the symbolic opening of the door to possibilities.
Its the realization that its not only over, but you are acutally taking steps to move on.
That's okay..it has to be done sometime.
For some people it would be too soon, for others it can't come fast enough.

If you both signed your divorce papers, the intention is clear. Waiting for some clerk to rubber-stamp it won't change the fact that you both already consider the relationship to be over.

Ksnoddy87

Don't kid yourself, Its not 'just coffee'.
Its the symbolic opening of the door to possibilities.
Its the realization that its not only over, but you are acutally taking steps to move on.
That's okay..it has to be done sometime.
For some people it would be too soon, for others it can't come fast enough.

If you both signed your divorce papers, the intention is clear. Waiting for some clerk to rubber-stamp it won't change the fact that you both already consider the relationship to be over.

I couldn't have put it better myself!! thank you!!

Yakisoba

I would give a very long story on why I think it's okay.. but I'll just say that it's okay.

Coffee is gross, though. Blech.

catherine4211

If you don't go I will be SO mad at you!!!!!

ummlovelovesyou

Just don't rub it in his face. I know someone who was going through a divorce and he found a valentine's day card in their house (still a month left of being legally married) that said a bunch of nasty comments about what he'd already done to her and what he was going to do....something I know he didn't care to see. So I think it's fine, just don't shout it out to the world yet hahah

catshark209

Go for it. I did it when my papers were still being finalized and the guy couldn't get his head around the fact I was still legally married and stopped talking to me, but he was an *kitten* otherwise.
I also don't agree with someone that posted he could use this against you in court, at least in California, the judge would tell him to stfu. My ex tried to pull that when we fought for custody of our son, he brought up I had dated during the time the papers were being finalized and the judge just looked at him and said, "So?".
Just do it. If you feel you're ready, do it. Have fun and let us know.

branflake5

go for it girl!! and have a blast

Pebble321

Don't kid yourself, Its not 'just coffee'.
Its the symbolic opening of the door to possibilities.
Its the realization that its not only over, but you are acutally taking steps to move on.
That's okay..it has to be done sometime.
For some people it would be too soon, for others it can't come fast enough.

If you both signed your divorce papers, the intention is clear. Waiting for some clerk to rubber-stamp it won't change the fact that you both already consider the relationship to be over.

Yes, this.
If you are ready to move on, then go for it, the relationship is over.

My only word of caution - look after yourself, give yourself some time and space to heal, I think it can be risky to jump right into a whole new relationship when you are still finalising the previous one. I don't mean finalising in the sense of legal papers, but inside your head.

So, if you are ready - do it!