Am I Wrong? Should I not put myself and my weight loss first

scapez

You offered to host your mother's event at your house and as such it's unrealistic to expect everyone to bring only 'approved' foods. If you try to control that you'll create waves.

Let it drop, host your event, plan your own snacks ahead of time, and exercise willpower.

Edited because I just read the party will likely be cancelled.

MrsCon40

I understand where some of you are coming from when saying that Im wrong. But let me just add/review some more key points about this night.
-i have to lose 10lbs more before I go into major surgery in January- it is doctor required
- each one of her friends knows me very personally and are all aware of my serious condition
-they have all been told that I was handling the food (it was going to be fruit tray, veggie tray, turkey hoagies on whole grain rolls, chicken panini's and salad and dessert I was making fat free pumpkin spice muffins)- so i dont think im restricting anyone by having many options that are not only healthy but delicious
-and with them knowing about my condition and that i said food was handled and not to bring anything then to be told that they are bringing pastries and all this other stuff, is rude of them in my book
-i understand that the rest of my life i will always be around temptations and have to decide for myself what to eat and that I am the only one who can help myself, but when it is a matter of a time crunch and required weight loss, i have to be 100% dedicated for this next month or my life could possibly be on the line.
-yes, i made the comment about their weight, but they all are overweight, and they always try to ask me for advice about what to do or eat and they always try to lose it and go on diets, but when it is time to put their money where their mouth is they're too busy eating cookies and cakes

thank you all for your comments, good ands bad, they do help. and i know each day is a struggle, i just was trying to do something nice for my mom and I really feel like she didnt listen to me at all or factor in all of my issues.
at this point the party is being cancelled because my mom said that Im a rude, disrespectful person to even think about calling these 7 women up to ask them to leave to pastries and junk food at home. and maybe that is the case, but sometimes i need to do what is right for me and my health

Just because you wanted to control their tradition does not mean they cannot bring their favorite dishes in addition to the ones you offered.

You will be faced with all kinds of delectable treats during the holiday season. You can't honestly believe that only because it's inside your four walls that you won't be able to resist it! Even if you did eat a pig in a blanket it would not put you any further away from your 10 pound goal (which is an pretty tough goal to make in one month).

It sounds like everyone lost in this situation - your mother is mad at you (rightfully), and your church will not get the blankets.

susanswan

Let's just say you are wrong for the right reasons. I think we have all been there at square one panicking at our first food challenge. So you offered your mom's club to have a party at your house, that was really nice of you! But unfortunately, no good deed goes unpunished!

Don't ever forget that you will continue to live in the real world. I see you just signed up with MFP literally in the last few days. Of course the first step is the hardest, but you know what? As you "flex" your resolve "muscles" it will get easier. No skill is ever learned by sitting on the sidelines watching. You have to get in there and try it yourself. So look at this as a challenge. The first of many. You will never ever be able to control what anyone else or the universe throws at you but you can work on controlling yourself. You know the battle is coming so you can prepare yourself. You have choices. Your mom is hosting the party but using your house. You don't need to be there. They are making blankets, not having a frat party, so it is okay for you to leave. Or if you want to be there, make sure you eat your meals before the onslaught of food comes in, go into another room after saying hello and read an inspiring weight loss book or hang out with us. You know you best. You know if you are better off having only a taste or avoiding it completely. For me? one taste is the road to hell. As long as I don't start eating it, I can avoid it all day long! Plan your strategy. Get over it. You can't control the world, but you can control yourself. I do the shopping for my husband and myself so I make sure I never buy anything for him that I wouldn't eat myself. When I do buy him some treats it is with the strict understanding (with myself) that they are only for him. And I MUST keep them out of sight. If I have to look at it every day, I can only hold out for so long!

Good luck! You can do it. This is the first day of the rest of your life and all that! Celebrate! Over time you won't believe how strong you have become. You only get strong by practicing, so get in there and do a great job! You can do it! = D

firedragon064

I don't get it. They don't stuff their food down your mouth so.. what's point?
The food is for them to eat not for you. Just ask them not to leave any left over in your house
and if they don't do it, no biggie, just throw them all in the garbage.

I refuse to let my diet ruin my life or my social life.
Life is too precious and too short not to share with loved ones.
I go to parties and try to eat healthy as possible.
And if I did go over my calorie (Not you OP, you have to prep for operation), no biggie, I will concentrate to lose that weight off in te next 3 days. I refuse to miss my mom Bday party, my nephew Bday and any of the holidays.

SherriH69

Instead of asking if you're right or wrong, why not just do this: allow them to come over and bring whatever they want. But YOU have some good, healthy foods available for yourself AND them and encourage them to try them. Don't be overbearing, just maybe make a suggestion and leave it at that. I think deep down, most people do want to eat healthy, but for whatever reason, they can't or won't. Offering them an alternative would be a way to make everyone happy.

If they leave anything behind, throw it in the garbage!


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rml_16

I don't understand. Is there a reason you just can't eat what they bring? It's called willpower. Crucial to weightloss for everyone. I don't call McDonald's Corporate office and tell them to close their stores just because I'm driving past on my home from work. I just choose not to eat it. You're gonna have to deal with it for the rest of your life, so you might as well get used to it. Seems like it would be all the easier for you to not eat it if it's crucial to a surgery.

To me, it's different when the food is in your house. That is supposed to be your safe zone. That's why you always see people on weight loss shows on TV throw away all the junk in the pantry. Driving by a McDonald's to me is a little bit different.

Totally agree - but then you shouldn't be hosting a party

Yes, I agree with that!

Me, too!

If it's that important, someone else can host.

I don't have potluck parties at my house and then tell everyone what they can't bring just because I need to lose weight. If I don't want the temptation, I don't host. Period.

Amber82479

I don't think you're wrong to stick up for yourself and what you need, however, I do think that perhaps finding different ways to go about getting what you want might help. You could try planning a menu and sending it out, asking everyone to please pick a dish they'd like to bring, claiming that you're just trying to make sure that the food selection is well rounded. You could explain that you're trying to eat healthfully and ask that they support you in this effort and bring dishes that are low in fat/calories, without demanding. I think the key is finding the right way to get them on board with your healthy eating efforts without being demanding. You almost have to make them think it's their idea, or show them the benefit to them. I go through this a LOT in my life, so I understand how unbelievably frustrating it is.

Another thing that would help is if YOU make a couple of healthy dishes that you really enjoy and stick to them. Also, perhaps these women will enjoy those dishes as well and you can share the recipe with them so that they could bring them to another event.

If all else fails, set up all of the dishes somewhere away from the table. This will accomplish two things; First, it will keep people (mainly you) from grazing as you're working. If dishes are on the table, I will eat as many calories as I can pack in my mouth and not even realize I'm doing it until I'm sick. Second, it will keep the temptation out of your face and will force you to get up and walk into the room to actively get the food, which also makes you think about what you're doing before you mindlessly stick food into your mouth.

Best of luck. I know all too well how angry it can make a person to feel like these foods are being forced on them. Over time, as you develop better eating habits and coping mechanisms, you'll find ways to get people to bring healthier foods, and/or to simply avoid them.

lmelangley

I think that you should leave once everyone gets there. Tell them that you'd love to join them, but are working with your doctor to lose weight because of health issues and know you can't resist the temptation. Then, just go and tell your mom to lock up when she leaves.

One thing I've learned - and it surprised me - is that a lot of people say they want to lose weight, but they don't actually WANT to do anything to lose it. So, take their weight complaints and lack of support with a grain of salt.

madameduffay

I applaud you for knowling your limitations. The inability to say no to the types of foods that your mom's friends are bringing over is the reason most of us are on this board (imo).

I think that this is probably causing you more stress then it should. Relcoating the party is only the best option if you are not going to go to the new venue. Otherwise you are in the same situation.

Perhaps you could send out the menu that you have planned with suggestions for supplemental dishes? If you can minimize the amount of bad food, it might lessen the temptation. I would suggest asking one or two people bring a dessert and then focus the rest of the menu on requests for healthier options.

When I go to potlucks I am more then happy to get suggestions.

I'm sorry this is causing you stress when you have health issues to think about.

Barneystinson

I'm sure its none of my business, and because you would have volunteered the information if you had wanted anyone to know. But for the life of me I can't imagine what surgery would require at least a 10 pound weight loss before it could be done and threaten ones life to boot. :frown: I'm sorry your health is in jeopardy.

Some plastic surgeries require weight loss when you are close to goal.

Not saying this to judge or point a finger or assume anything, just stating as fact.

MinnieInMaine

Instead of asking if you're right or wrong, why not just do this: allow them to come over and bring whatever they want. But YOU have some good, healthy foods available for yourself AND them and encourage them to try them. Don't be overbearing, just maybe make a suggestion and leave it at that. I think deep down, most people do want to eat healthy, but for whatever reason, they can't or won't. Offering them an alternative would be a way to make everyone happy.

If they leave anything behind, throw it in the garbage!

Great idea IMHO! I think I'd be a tiny bit miffed if I said I was handling the food and they decided to bring a bunch of things. Might be more understanding if Martha's pumpkin pie and Shelly's chex mix are the best in the whole world or something but everyone bring something on top of you making a few dishes seems like overkill.

Maybe it wasn't made clear to everyone that you have this medical condition and were taking care of the food? Eventhough Mom knew, maybe she didn't share the info with the whole crew. Or maybe their hearts were in the right place and they didn't want to burden you with hosting at your house AND providing all the food?

Try to give them the benefit of the doubt, be a gracious host, keep your willpower in check and try to have fun.

MJ7910

this really stinks because it is a lose lose situation. either you lose and they bring the food and then you might risk eating it and overdoing it. or if you tell them they might get their feelings hurt. it seems like the best thing to do in this case is just say nothing and avoid going in the area the food is in. make it a game for yourself to not eat any of it. offer yourself internal rewards (like just saying to yourself what a good job you did) each time you pass up a food. i would suggest having a food table in the corner and just avoid that corner. have another area where you have your healthy stuff set up and just make sure the healthy stuff is in one area and the other stuff is in another area. imagine how proud of yoruself you will be when you're able to bypass all the unhealthy stuff and eat only the healthy stuff! if they offer it to you just grab something from the healthy table and say, ok maybe later. then they don't have to know you didn't eat it. it can work out and be a win-win situation if you plan it to be.

aregensb

I understand where some of you are coming from when saying that Im wrong. But let me just add/review some more key points about this night.
-i have to lose 10lbs more before I go into major surgery in January- it is doctor required
- each one of her friends knows me very personally and are all aware of my serious condition
-they have all been told that I was handling the food (it was going to be fruit tray, veggie tray, turkey hoagies on whole grain rolls, chicken panini's and salad and dessert I was making fat free pumpkin spice muffins)- so i dont think im restricting anyone by having many options that are not only healthy but delicious
-and with them knowing about my condition and that i said food was handled and not to bring anything then to be told that they are bringing pastries and all this other stuff, is rude of them in my book
-i understand that the rest of my life i will always be around temptations and have to decide for myself what to eat and that I am the only one who can help myself, but when it is a matter of a time crunch and required weight loss, i have to be 100% dedicated for this next month or my life could possibly be on the line.
-yes, i made the comment about their weight, but they all are overweight, and they always try to ask me for advice about what to do or eat and they always try to lose it and go on diets, but when it is time to put their money where their mouth is they're too busy eating cookies and cakes

thank you all for your comments, good ands bad, they do help. and i know each day is a struggle, i just was trying to do something nice for my mom and I really feel like she didnt listen to me at all or factor in all of my issues.
at this point the party is being cancelled because my mom said that Im a rude, disrespectful person to even think about calling these 7 women up to ask them to leave to pastries and junk food at home. and maybe that is the case, but sometimes i need to do what is right for me and my health

Obviously you already decided you were right. Why post this topic? Pity party?

No one is force feeding you anything. If you're so serious about your medical condition, then don't eat the junk food, don't attend the party, or make your own healthy snacks and stick to them. You can't change what everyone else is doing or eating, but you can make your own decisions.

As far as your comment about those ladies being overweight and doing nothing about it, it's really their decision to start losing weight. If people want to lose weight, they will put in the hard work to do so. All you need to worry about is your own weight loss journey.

MaryStregger

Does putting yourself first really mean that you have to force others to eat what you're eating? Doesn't putting yourself first mean eating healthfully despite what everyone else is doing? Have healthy food there for you to eat. In my experience, if you can't teach yourself to eat differently around people who are eating junk, then you are setting yourself up for failure anyways. This situation will happen, unless you become a hermit, so you need to develop a set of strategies for getting through it without offending others.

lynzyn

i think you should request that they bring healthy food but they don't have too just make sure they know that as well , make some healthy platters for yourself and whoever else wants to eat the healthy stuff...Good luck

TheBraveryLover

Why not compromise? You bring the lower cal foods, they bring the food they want and you just eat the food you brought. Also, you can eat some of their foods, just watch portion. I understand your dilemma since you're so early in your weight loss, but trust me, exercising willpower will get easier. It takes time, but you'll get there.

Have a good time and enjoy yourself but keep your goals in mind!:flowerforyou:

Justkeepswimmin

I think it's okay for you to make healthy options for yourself or others, maybe some great recipes and show them healthy can taste good! I think it is slightly rude for you to impose your food preferences on others' after offering to host their traditional event, then ask them to change their event. If you were hosting "Your" christmas party, and it wasn't pot luck, then anyone bringing anything they weren't asked to bring (of offered to and it was accepted) could be construed as rude........however, this is more of a community event with your home being the venue. You need to have some will power.

servilia

Sorry but I agree with your mom.

Rebels57

You are not wrong at all. You are hosting. You should have the say over the food. I do think a compromise is the best solution. Since they don't have the will power to eat healthy, and you do, there should be food options for everyone.

Chika85

Make yourself a healthy snack option - who cares if you are the only one who eats it. You cannot change others but you CAN control yourself.

This is what I would do. Make my own dish and not eat theirs. They get the food they want and so do I.

sherrydawnlittle

By putting out healthy foods on the table you are leading by example. Perhaps some of these ladies will be motivated by you to start eating healthier etc.

vytamindi

Let them bring their own crap. Since you probably put a lot of effort into counting cals/fat/carbs/protein on anything you eat, make your own yummy stuff and eat away!