Fidelity? ... or, "Dear Abby ..." or, What Would You Do? ...
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I know you already know the answer in your gut but you don't want to believe it. I wish I had followed my gut. I hope you find enough encouragement on here to help you feel better.0
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by her saying she was posturing i guess she meant she texted it knowing you'd see it? I have had times where i was upset with my boyfriend, and kind of a little wished something would make him a LITTLE jealous - but simply something like "gee i wish he'd get a little jealous about something so i know he doesn't take me for granted". But i dont DO or SAY anythin to make that happen...instead i talk to him. So, if it WAS JUST to get your attention, or get back at you, that's cruel. If it's true, that's a whole other issue
My gut feeling without knowing her is that either way she is being hurtful...saying that somewhere where you can see it is cruel, and obviously if it's true it's not good. Cheating etc i have NO tolerance for. I can tell you that if my bf went to a gentlemans club, i would not be thrilled, but i CERTAINLY wouldn't do anything THAT hurtful! I'd tell him how i felt about it.
I have been cheated and had where i suspected my SO of cheating and it has to be one of the worst feelings.
I'm sorry you are going through this :frown: 0 -
This is tough. It's really easy for us outsiders to tell you to move on, but I know it's not that simple. I think everything needs to be laid out on the table... full honesty. The thing is that she may have feelings for her ex, but she isn't ready to break it off with you (or she would). It's possible she's waiting to find out if her ex can reciprocate her feelings before she feels comfortable letting you go. It's also possible that she views her ex as a fantasy and not something she seriously wants to get back to. The only way you'll know is if you have a sit-down with her, reserving judgement and keeping a very open mind. You don't want to be with her if she doesn't want to be with you.0
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IMO any woman that resorts to old boyfriends when she is pissed, real or not is vindictive and mean and untrustworthy. What is she gets pissed in the future over something that isn't what she thinks it is and goes overboard and actually meets her old ex. My opinion you deserve better and you deserve trust and communication. If she was pissed she should have spoken to you, not hope you find texts to get back at you. That is coming from a girl that would have been pissed about the gentlemen club as well. Communication is everything.0
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You seem like a really nice guy and you certainly don't need this kind of stress in your life on top of the nasty divorce. Maybe she is acting out as others have said, but that still doesn't make it right to purposely hurt you. In essence, two wrongs don't make a right. I too get the feeling she is younger than you and maybe her maturity level hasn't quite reached where it should be. I truly hope that whatever path you choose to take is the right one for you and makes you happy for the rest of your life.0
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She told me she was just saying that to the girlfriend because she was "posturing" - the night she wrote those texts she was angry because I went to a gentlemen's club with my law school buddies after our annual reunion dinner.
Ladies - really? Is this something any of you would do?
Guys - what would you do with that?
I know that I don't know you but speaking from the person I am here it goes. I would never have said that unless I still felt that way about my ex. I see no problem with going to the gentlemen's club that just sounds like a cop out for her to not feel so guilty. I am not a guy but you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you 100% and from what you found it doesn't sound like she is 100% there now that the ex is around.0 -
Go with your gut instinct.............that's one thing you can always trust.
This! Plus, you have kids, I am sure you want a partner who is a grown up.
Sounds like she's going to act like immature and not like a grown-up should.
Tell her not to let the door hit her where the Good Lord split her! :bigsmile:0 -
she is definitely giving the shady signals, and talking to her ex is a bad sign.
Do you feel like after this you will be able to trust her? or every time the phone rings and she picks it up quickly or doesn't want you to see it anymore will you feel unsure, jealous, burning in the back of your skull, and untrusting?
If you feel it will always mess with your head then it isn't worth it for you, it's not worth making you crazy.
This is about you and your peace of mind, not her.0 -
Ok I don't know her but that screams RED FLAG to me. I would say that your gut is correct. I'm sorry but you're going to have to be careful. Sometimes things just don't work out but if she was trying to make it work she wouldn't be talking/texting with ex. She wouldn't be talking about seeing him etc.
Unfortunately girls aren't always forth coming and completely honest about things. I'm guessing (from your story) that she's going to play the field with you and him. She's going to see if the ex is still attractive why she keeps you hanging.
Head to the gym, spend some awesome time with your boys and keep your mind open till you know for sure. They call it the green eyed monster for a reason. Maybe a kickboxing session would help....
Good luck and I hope everything that I said was wrong.
Ditto! Totally Agree with this and couldn't have said it better~0 -
I'm not like this but I totally understand some women are, but if this really about her not liking that you went to a strip club then she should have addressed that with you before you even went! How would you know it would be an issue if she never communicated to you about it? That strikes me as immaturity. On the other hand, it seems like that might just have been a handy excuse to explain away the texts. Either way, you really need to step back and assess whether this person is truly right for you.0
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Just a couple notes: I've successfully used my husband's phone to text my daughter without reading any of his other texts. Reading someone else's thought's, whether they be on paper or on their phone is in my opinion a huge violation of trust. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a strip club if both of you agree to it.
You need to have an honest conversation with her and the two of you should determine the future of your relationship. The last thing you need to do is to take the advice of random people on the internet with no vested interest in your life.
Good luck with your relationship, whether you two decide to separate or work it out. :flowerforyou:0 -
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck ... my experience tells me it is a dang duck. There are too many fine women out there to let someone abuse you.
Sending you a cyber hug. Only YOU can decide what you are going to do. Best wishes.0 -
Not knowing whether you should talk to her about it or not speaks volumes.
Yeah.0 -
in my opinion, if anyone does something like that, they're not the one for you. even if she was hurt that you went to a strip club, which by the way is totally understandable of her to be angry at, wouldnt she give YOU hell for it upfront, and not plant hurtful texts that she thought you MIGHT see? i mean cmon. if she was going to be sneaky about it she wouldve "accidentally" texted you the texts meant for her friend, or told you she was thinking about someone else (all terrible, heinous things to do... if someone's that vindictive its not really a good sign anyway). not text someone else and *hope* you see them. its fishy.
i wouldnt waste my time now, and you shouldnt waste yours either... talk to her again but be completely serious about it. you have to really hit home that you want THE TRUTH. if not, it hurts... and take time to heal. but there is someone better out there if she isnt it.
you deserve better. my boyfriend would never even think of another girl.... you dont deserve someone who still gets butterflies for her ex. 0 -
Ladies - really? Is this something any of you would do?
Not unless I already had one foot out the door. :ohwell:0 -
I'll be frank ... Given the fact that you went to a "gentlemens'" club without knowing how it would impact her, that she didn't tell you it upset her, that she made those comments to her girlfriend, and the fact that she went out with "girlfriends" wearing "pretty" underwear ... either the two of you go into some serious couples' counseling (I suggest finding a therapist who follows the Gottman approach since it focuses on communication), or you move on (and realize you need to work on communication in your next relationship). This isn't going to end well. Do you really believe the "posturing" comment ... and if it IS true, what does that say about your relationship?
If you'd like a book to read about the Gottman approach, I suggest "A Couple's Guide to Communication".0 -
In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.0
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If she didn't usually put on sexy underwear to go out with a girlfriend, I'd lean on your instincts.
I don't know why she isn't just honest about it Hell you TOLD her to see the dude and find out where she stands.
It looks like she wants the cake and eat it too. At your age, you don't have time for that. If that's the case.
I agree with this. Even if she's retaliating for your jaunt to the gentleman's club, do you really want to be with someone who do something so spiteful to get "even"? If my husband does something that hurts me, we talk it out and come up with a solution, I don't try to hurt him back. This doesn't sound like it's headed in a healthy direction.0 -
I can't imagine saying that sort of thing about my ex to a friend because I was mad at my SO. I might say what a jerk my SO was or something (and I might or might not really mean it). But that just doesn't jive with me. Maybe it's true, but it seems weird to me.
Follow your gut. There's a better woman out there for you.
Agreed - follow your instincts. Something doesn't sound quite right.0 -
I'm not like this but I totally understand some women are, but if this really about her not liking that you went to a strip club then she should have addressed that with you before you even went! How would you know it would be an issue if she never communicated to you about it? That strikes me as immaturity. On the other hand, it seems like that might just have been a handy excuse to explain
away the texts. Either way, you really need to step back and assess whether this person is truly right for you.
Oh, and btw, *hug*!0 -
Like many have replied you know what you have to do. I do have to say that I hate the idea of my husband getting all juiced up over a girl dancing naked on him. He knows that and still chooses to go. I am a complete b*tch to him when it happens. He wouldn't want me to go dancing with some guy and hang all over him clothes on or off! BUT, she should tell you not resort to getting back at you or trying to piss you off.
I'm not perfect and I know I have pushed my husband away. He admitted to "talking" to another woman. He said he only kissed her. But I stayed with him because I loved him and I knew I did things wrong in the relationship to get him mad enough to go to her. Needless to say it didn't work out. After 8 years of marriage and 2 kids he decided to leave me. He said I was the one with the problem. Not him.
Follow your gut. If I would have I would have left him instead of the other way around. I was under false hope we could work it out. Just talk and be open and honest with her. Try not to say hurtful things that often times just backfires!
Wishing nothing but the best for you and your kids.0 -
I personally think the underwear part is silly, I wear sexy underwear all the time. Even when I work out. I don't think it has anything to do with cheating--unless she NEVER wears sexy underwear.
I put in my 2 cents already, but I seriously suggest 1. communicating more. And 2. see a therapist. If she loves you and wants to earn your trust, she will go with you.0 -
Just a couple notes: I've successfully used my husband's phone to text my daughter without reading any of his other texts. Reading someone else's thought's, whether they be on paper or on their phone is in my opinion a huge violation of trust. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a strip club if both of you agree to it.
You need to have an honest conversation with her and the two of you should determine the future of your relationship. The last thing you need to do is to take the advice of random people on the internet with no vested interest in your life.
Good luck with your relationship, whether you two decide to separate or work it out. :flowerforyou:
I totally agree! Spacially for the "I can succesfully txt from a phone with out seeing the send messages".0 -
She's not being truthful.....i wouldn't trust her. i would never say that to my husband about another man or leave it where he can read it. find someone who will value you. worrying about if someone is going to cheat on you is awful...i'd throw in the towel. your worth more than that. 0
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In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.
ok that is definitely just her opinion and maybe a few other chicks(insecurity is a b!tch) because I don't feel like that is cheating at all, and I think a lot of girls don't really care, especially about porn that is just ridiculous and to me shows a lack of trust and confidence in the relationship. But out of respect you should've asked your GF if it was ok with her, and this is just my opinion.0 -
I don't know what your history is with this Lady , but I doubt she expected you to see the messages or that you would say go and see the old boyfriend .dressing sexy with kind of last minute plans is a giant red flag too . You have to be honest to continue and this green eyed monster will grow unless tamed or you cut her loose . If you want her , explanations are needed . If you are unsure then cut her loose and move on . If jealousy is to be avoided in the future stay away from " clubs" (Gentleman is a misnomer ) and be involved with someone who you would invite anywhere you were going regardless of who else is going and would give you the same consideration . Guys only and girls only nights on the town in clubs and bars starts building fences . Just ask your friends who have been" happily married" more than once , just saying ...0
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I'm so sorry this has happened to you.. I've never have this happen to me before, but, it does not seem like your gf is going out with a "girlfriend" tonight. Of course, I don't know her... hmm.. could she just be playing you? Some women like to play games to see what their mate will do.. they want to see if their guy trusts them completely before they make the plunge. She obviously knew you'd see the txts she wrote to her friend regarding her ex. :noway:0
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In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.
Really? cheating? I don't feel that way.. I really don't care one way or another if my man goes to a strip club (ok I don't like the $ waste) and I don't think that looking at porn makes you a cheater. I think if you are vested in another physically or emotionally it's cheating. If you're doing something with someone that is your spouse/so then that's cheating. If you are doing something that you wouldn't want done to you then cheating....0 -
I can see some bits of truth in it-- I would be upset with my husband after a trip to a "gentlemen's club," so maybe a hint of that would lead me to say something mean. But it manifesting in that kind of text to a girlfriend is stretching it.
I think you sound like a level-headed guy; you're not a guy who imagines drama. You are a guy who's seeing red flags now.
I'd move on, find a girl worth your efforts. I'm sorry this happened! She's the one missing out.0 -
First off.. real ladies aren't pissed off when their man goes to a gentleman's club... and if they are... that means the relationship should end because there's no trust there.
Second, leave her... if she still has those feelings.. its not worth it. Move on. Life isn't this hard and you shouldn't be dragged in this process because she got upset and/or she doesn't know what she wants.0
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