Fidelity? ... or, "Dear Abby ..." or, What Would You Do? ...

auroranflash

She is definitely cheating, demonstrate some well deserved love and respect for yourself and dump her *kitten*.

There is no room for infidelity especially in this world where she could give you an STD she got from her "girlfriend".

Women like this make me sick. And I'm a woman.

nurse_christieyne

There are some huge RED FLAGS....

I would go with your gut... It is usually right. If you think that there is something going on.... then there probably is.

_Timmeh_

Wow I feel for you....and going through a nasty divorce? The divorce is hard enough.
That's just too many red flags for me and before it gets worse, run and don't look back.

Oh and absolutely nothing wrong with going to a gentlemens club for a guys night out.

Elf_Princess1210

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I have been in your position before, and I just ended up dumping the guy. If you can't trust her, then why be in a relationship with her in the first place? You deserve better. As for the gentleman's club, I wouldn't like it, but as long as you didn't touch any of the girls and made sure to wash after you left (ex was a bouncer at one and I would go with him sometimes because I didn't want to sit at home alone. Those places are so dirty.) I probably would have kept my mouth shut. Her talking to an old boyfriend and possibly cheating on you, however, isn't an excuse. She is trying to justify her behavior an you don't need that crap. You deserve better. I wish you the best of luck.

horndave

Move on.

CaptainGordo

Not knowing whether you should talk to her about it or not speaks volumes.

april_beth

You guys share phones? She knew you'd see the texts. Maybe she does still want him.

Or maybe she is really hurt that you went to a "gentlemen's club". I know I would be.

And unfortunately, when you guys do stuff like that, we feel helpless, we get angry, and yes, sometimes we do hurtful, hateful things.

Maybe she felt ill, knowing you were there. Maybe she wanted to eat frosting out of the can, because it sucks to know that your boyfriend has got some other women's DDs in his face.

ooh i change my original thought to now say THIS!

besides, he coulda brought me to the club

jennajava

:frown: Hugs for you. She sounds very self-centered. If it were me, I would gather the dignity I had left and leave. So sorry you're going through this.

veganbaum

You guys share phones? She knew you'd see the texts. Maybe she does still want him.

Or maybe she is really hurt that you went to a "gentlemen's club". I know I would be.

And unfortunately, when you guys do stuff like that, we feel helpless, we get angry, and yes, sometimes we do hurtful, hateful things.

Maybe she felt ill, knowing you were there. Maybe she wanted to eat frosting out of the can, because it sucks to know that your boyfriend has got some other women's DDs in his face.

I partially agree with this, particularly because of the sharing phones thing, though I think if it's true that's an odd way to try to get back at you for it. There are other ways that would be more direct and how would she really know you would see the text, even with sharing phones? I think with the other things you mentioned she is either going to meet this guy without telling you even though you said she should or she is carrying on with trying to get back at you for the club. She has a right to be upset about the club, but since she already said she is, it should have been talked out and she shouldn't be carrying on. At this point I think you need to let her go, for your own sake. To me the matching underclothes and the vague weekend explanation say she's meeting this guy, but even if she's still just trying to get back at you I think she's gone too far.

angee1126

Go with your gut instinct.............that's one thing you can always trust.

trlyblssd79

I know you already know the answer in your gut but you don't want to believe it. I wish I had followed my gut. I hope you find enough encouragement on here to help you feel better.

ScarletFyre

by her saying she was posturing i guess she meant she texted it knowing you'd see it? I have had times where i was upset with my boyfriend, and kind of a little wished something would make him a LITTLE jealous - but simply something like "gee i wish he'd get a little jealous about something so i know he doesn't take me for granted". But i dont DO or SAY anythin to make that happen...instead i talk to him. So, if it WAS JUST to get your attention, or get back at you, that's cruel. If it's true, that's a whole other issue

My gut feeling without knowing her is that either way she is being hurtful...saying that somewhere where you can see it is cruel, and obviously if it's true it's not good. Cheating etc i have NO tolerance for. I can tell you that if my bf went to a gentlemans club, i would not be thrilled, but i CERTAINLY wouldn't do anything THAT hurtful! I'd tell him how i felt about it.

I have been cheated and had where i suspected my SO of cheating and it has to be one of the worst feelings. I'm sorry you are going through this :frown:

sharoniballoni

This is tough. It's really easy for us outsiders to tell you to move on, but I know it's not that simple. I think everything needs to be laid out on the table... full honesty. The thing is that she may have feelings for her ex, but she isn't ready to break it off with you (or she would). It's possible she's waiting to find out if her ex can reciprocate her feelings before she feels comfortable letting you go. It's also possible that she views her ex as a fantasy and not something she seriously wants to get back to. The only way you'll know is if you have a sit-down with her, reserving judgement and keeping a very open mind. You don't want to be with her if she doesn't want to be with you.

applebobbrush

IMO any woman that resorts to old boyfriends when she is pissed, real or not is vindictive and mean and untrustworthy. What is she gets pissed in the future over something that isn't what she thinks it is and goes overboard and actually meets her old ex. My opinion you deserve better and you deserve trust and communication. If she was pissed she should have spoken to you, not hope you find texts to get back at you. That is coming from a girl that would have been pissed about the gentlemen club as well. Communication is everything.

angiemartin78

You seem like a really nice guy and you certainly don't need this kind of stress in your life on top of the nasty divorce. Maybe she is acting out as others have said, but that still doesn't make it right to purposely hurt you. In essence, two wrongs don't make a right. I too get the feeling she is younger than you and maybe her maturity level hasn't quite reached where it should be. I truly hope that whatever path you choose to take is the right one for you and makes you happy for the rest of your life.

mnwalkingqueen

She told me she was just saying that to the girlfriend because she was "posturing" - the night she wrote those texts she was angry because I went to a gentlemen's club with my law school buddies after our annual reunion dinner.

Ladies - really? Is this something any of you would do?

Guys - what would you do with that?


I know that I don't know you but speaking from the person I am here it goes. I would never have said that unless I still felt that way about my ex. I see no problem with going to the gentlemen's club that just sounds like a cop out for her to not feel so guilty. I am not a guy but you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you 100% and from what you found it doesn't sound like she is 100% there now that the ex is around.

PlanetVelma

Go with your gut instinct.............that's one thing you can always trust.

This! Plus, you have kids, I am sure you want a partner who is a grown up.

Sounds like she's going to act like immature and not like a grown-up should.

Tell her not to let the door hit her where the Good Lord split her! :bigsmile:

Grimmerick

she is definitely giving the shady signals, and talking to her ex is a bad sign.

Do you feel like after this you will be able to trust her? or every time the phone rings and she picks it up quickly or doesn't want you to see it anymore will you feel unsure, jealous, burning in the back of your skull, and untrusting?

If you feel it will always mess with your head then it isn't worth it for you, it's not worth making you crazy.
This is about you and your peace of mind, not her.

KriscoOil

Ok I don't know her but that screams RED FLAG to me. I would say that your gut is correct. I'm sorry but you're going to have to be careful. Sometimes things just don't work out but if she was trying to make it work she wouldn't be talking/texting with ex. She wouldn't be talking about seeing him etc.

Unfortunately girls aren't always forth coming and completely honest about things. I'm guessing (from your story) that she's going to play the field with you and him. She's going to see if the ex is still attractive why she keeps you hanging.

Head to the gym, spend some awesome time with your boys and keep your mind open till you know for sure. They call it the green eyed monster for a reason. Maybe a kickboxing session would help....

Good luck and I hope everything that I said was wrong.

Ditto! Totally Agree with this and couldn't have said it better~

KatieJane83

I'm not like this but I totally understand some women are, but if this really about her not liking that you went to a strip club then she should have addressed that with you before you even went! How would you know it would be an issue if she never communicated to you about it? That strikes me as immaturity. On the other hand, it seems like that might just have been a handy excuse to explain away the texts. Either way, you really need to step back and assess whether this person is truly right for you.