Fidelity? ... or, "Dear Abby ..." or, What Would You Do? ...

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Replies

  • WarriorMom2012
    WarriorMom2012 Posts: 621 Member
    Just a couple notes: I've successfully used my husband's phone to text my daughter without reading any of his other texts. Reading someone else's thought's, whether they be on paper or on their phone is in my opinion a huge violation of trust. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a strip club if both of you agree to it.

    You need to have an honest conversation with her and the two of you should determine the future of your relationship. The last thing you need to do is to take the advice of random people on the internet with no vested interest in your life.

    Good luck with your relationship, whether you two decide to separate or work it out. :flowerforyou:
  • grannygethealthy1111
    grannygethealthy1111 Posts: 422
    If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck ... my experience tells me it is a dang duck. There are too many fine women out there to let someone abuse you.

    Sending you a cyber hug. Only YOU can decide what you are going to do. Best wishes.
  • ilookthetype
    ilookthetype Posts: 3,021 Member
    Not knowing whether you should talk to her about it or not speaks volumes.

    Yeah.
  • dipsl19
    dipsl19 Posts: 317 Member
    in my opinion, if anyone does something like that, they're not the one for you. even if she was hurt that you went to a strip club, which by the way is totally understandable of her to be angry at, wouldnt she give YOU hell for it upfront, and not plant hurtful texts that she thought you MIGHT see? i mean cmon. if she was going to be sneaky about it she wouldve "accidentally" texted you the texts meant for her friend, or told you she was thinking about someone else (all terrible, heinous things to do... if someone's that vindictive its not really a good sign anyway). not text someone else and *hope* you see them. its fishy.

    i wouldnt waste my time now, and you shouldnt waste yours either... talk to her again but be completely serious about it. you have to really hit home that you want THE TRUTH. if not, it hurts... and take time to heal. but there is someone better out there if she isnt it. <3 you deserve better. my boyfriend would never even think of another girl.... you dont deserve someone who still gets butterflies for her ex.
  • TheCats_Meow
    TheCats_Meow Posts: 438 Member

    Ladies - really? Is this something any of you would do?

    Not unless I already had one foot out the door. :ohwell:
  • vingogly
    vingogly Posts: 1,785 Member
    I'll be frank ... Given the fact that you went to a "gentlemens'" club without knowing how it would impact her, that she didn't tell you it upset her, that she made those comments to her girlfriend, and the fact that she went out with "girlfriends" wearing "pretty" underwear ... either the two of you go into some serious couples' counseling (I suggest finding a therapist who follows the Gottman approach since it focuses on communication), or you move on (and realize you need to work on communication in your next relationship). This isn't going to end well. Do you really believe the "posturing" comment ... and if it IS true, what does that say about your relationship?

    If you'd like a book to read about the Gottman approach, I suggest "A Couple's Guide to Communication".
  • virginiejaubin
    virginiejaubin Posts: 497 Member
    In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.
  • britishstar41
    britishstar41 Posts: 140 Member
    If she didn't usually put on sexy underwear to go out with a girlfriend, I'd lean on your instincts.

    I don't know why she isn't just honest about it Hell you TOLD her to see the dude and find out where she stands.

    It looks like she wants the cake and eat it too. At your age, you don't have time for that. If that's the case.

    I agree with this. Even if she's retaliating for your jaunt to the gentleman's club, do you really want to be with someone who do something so spiteful to get "even"? If my husband does something that hurts me, we talk it out and come up with a solution, I don't try to hurt him back. This doesn't sound like it's headed in a healthy direction.
  • cessnaholly
    cessnaholly Posts: 780 Member
    I can't imagine saying that sort of thing about my ex to a friend because I was mad at my SO. I might say what a jerk my SO was or something (and I might or might not really mean it). But that just doesn't jive with me. Maybe it's true, but it seems weird to me.

    Follow your gut. There's a better woman out there for you.

    Agreed - follow your instincts. Something doesn't sound quite right.
  • KatieJane83
    KatieJane83 Posts: 2,002 Member
    I'm not like this but I totally understand some women are, but if this really about her not liking that you went to a strip club then she should have addressed that with you before you even went! How would you know it would be an issue if she never communicated to you about it? That strikes me as immaturity. On the other hand, it seems like that might just have been a handy excuse to explain
    away the texts. Either way, you really need to step back and assess whether this person is truly right for you.

    Oh, and btw, *hug*!
  • running_mom
    running_mom Posts: 204 Member
    Like many have replied you know what you have to do. I do have to say that I hate the idea of my husband getting all juiced up over a girl dancing naked on him. He knows that and still chooses to go. I am a complete b*tch to him when it happens. He wouldn't want me to go dancing with some guy and hang all over him clothes on or off! BUT, she should tell you not resort to getting back at you or trying to piss you off.

    I'm not perfect and I know I have pushed my husband away. He admitted to "talking" to another woman. He said he only kissed her. But I stayed with him because I loved him and I knew I did things wrong in the relationship to get him mad enough to go to her. Needless to say it didn't work out. After 8 years of marriage and 2 kids he decided to leave me. He said I was the one with the problem. Not him.

    Follow your gut. If I would have I would have left him instead of the other way around. I was under false hope we could work it out. Just talk and be open and honest with her. Try not to say hurtful things that often times just backfires!

    Wishing nothing but the best for you and your kids.
  • kenzietea
    kenzietea Posts: 614 Member
    I personally think the underwear part is silly, I wear sexy underwear all the time. Even when I work out. I don't think it has anything to do with cheating--unless she NEVER wears sexy underwear.

    I put in my 2 cents already, but I seriously suggest 1. communicating more. And 2. see a therapist. If she loves you and wants to earn your trust, she will go with you.
  • virginiejaubin
    virginiejaubin Posts: 497 Member
    Just a couple notes: I've successfully used my husband's phone to text my daughter without reading any of his other texts. Reading someone else's thought's, whether they be on paper or on their phone is in my opinion a huge violation of trust. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a strip club if both of you agree to it.

    You need to have an honest conversation with her and the two of you should determine the future of your relationship. The last thing you need to do is to take the advice of random people on the internet with no vested interest in your life.

    Good luck with your relationship, whether you two decide to separate or work it out. :flowerforyou:

    I totally agree! Spacially for the "I can succesfully txt from a phone with out seeing the send messages".
  • becca3211
    becca3211 Posts: 98 Member
    She's not being truthful.....i wouldn't trust her. i would never say that to my husband about another man or leave it where he can read it. find someone who will value you. worrying about if someone is going to cheat on you is awful...i'd throw in the towel. your worth more than that. :heart:
  • Grimmerick
    Grimmerick Posts: 3,342 Member
    In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.

    ok that is definitely just her opinion and maybe a few other chicks(insecurity is a b!tch) because I don't feel like that is cheating at all, and I think a lot of girls don't really care, especially about porn that is just ridiculous and to me shows a lack of trust and confidence in the relationship. But out of respect you should've asked your GF if it was ok with her, and this is just my opinion.
  • savage22hp
    savage22hp Posts: 278 Member
    I don't know what your history is with this Lady , but I doubt she expected you to see the messages or that you would say go and see the old boyfriend .dressing sexy with kind of last minute plans is a giant red flag too . You have to be honest to continue and this green eyed monster will grow unless tamed or you cut her loose . If you want her , explanations are needed . If you are unsure then cut her loose and move on . If jealousy is to be avoided in the future stay away from " clubs" (Gentleman is a misnomer ) and be involved with someone who you would invite anywhere you were going regardless of who else is going and would give you the same consideration . Guys only and girls only nights on the town in clubs and bars starts building fences . Just ask your friends who have been" happily married" more than once , just saying ...
  • gorgeouss9
    gorgeouss9 Posts: 221
    I'm so sorry this has happened to you.. I've never have this happen to me before, but, it does not seem like your gf is going out with a "girlfriend" tonight. Of course, I don't know her... hmm.. could she just be playing you? Some women like to play games to see what their mate will do.. they want to see if their guy trusts them completely before they make the plunge. She obviously knew you'd see the txts she wrote to her friend regarding her ex. :noway:
  • bethvandenberg
    bethvandenberg Posts: 1,496 Member
    In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.

    Really? cheating? I don't feel that way.. I really don't care one way or another if my man goes to a strip club (ok I don't like the $ waste) and I don't think that looking at porn makes you a cheater. I think if you are vested in another physically or emotionally it's cheating. If you're doing something with someone that is your spouse/so then that's cheating. If you are doing something that you wouldn't want done to you then cheating....
  • SarabellPlus3
    SarabellPlus3 Posts: 496 Member
    I can see some bits of truth in it-- I would be upset with my husband after a trip to a "gentlemen's club," so maybe a hint of that would lead me to say something mean. But it manifesting in that kind of text to a girlfriend is stretching it.

    I think you sound like a level-headed guy; you're not a guy who imagines drama. You are a guy who's seeing red flags now.

    I'd move on, find a girl worth your efforts. I'm sorry this happened! She's the one missing out.
  • datguy2011
    datguy2011 Posts: 477 Member
    First off.. real ladies aren't pissed off when their man goes to a gentleman's club... and if they are... that means the relationship should end because there's no trust there.

    Second, leave her... if she still has those feelings.. its not worth it. Move on. Life isn't this hard and you shouldn't be dragged in this process because she got upset and/or she doesn't know what she wants.

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