Fidelity? ... or, "Dear Abby ..." or, What Would You Do? ...

Hoppymom

Let me get the straight...You went to ACTUALLY look at naked women in a place where you could potentially get a lap dance (or not) and you are mad because she is THINKING about someone from her past????

Break up; neither of you is ready to be in a relationship. It seems like you knew that your going to the club was upsetting to her but you did it anyway. Now you are mad because she is considering other possibilities, maybe someone who doesn't go out looking at other women. I am not a prude where sex between couples is concerned but You are in a relationship with someone who is upset by your visit to the club and you ignored her hurt and went anyway. Her response of "I love him" and "he makes me melt" show she is not ready for a committed relationship either.

Furthermore, you told her to go see him, she wants to spend the week-end away from you and now you are mad. WHAT?!?!?! She said she wants to see a girlfriend and you automatically think she's lying. I get that you feel insecure after the text but why would she not just tell you if she was going to see him? I am sorry that you are hurting but finish your divorce, enjoy your children, get to know what you want in a woman. If you want to continue going to "gentleman's clubs" find a woman who can tolerate that and then get in a relationship. I really do hope that you find happiness.

scapez

She told me she was just saying that to the girlfriend because she was "posturing" - the night she wrote those texts she was angry because I went to a gentlemen's club with my law school buddies after our annual reunion dinner.

Being mad at you would not make me profess feelings for an ex-bf or anyone else. I might be pissy towards you, I might give a little attitude, I might not wash your undies...but I wouldn't do that and it doesn't sit right with me

This morning out of nowhere she tells me she's not going to be staying with me and the boys this weekend. She gave me some half-hearted excuse about emailing me about it. No. This morning she also put on very pretty matching bra and panties, which I was very enthusiastic about. Later, as we walked to the subway, she said she "might" have dinner with a girlfriend tonight.

She would have to know that after your read those texts how her impromptu and mysterious night out/weekend away would affect you. Regardless of what she may be up to, this is a completely selfish act.

Something isn't right, please have a sit down with her ASAP. I'm sorry you're going through this. We're not all like that. :flowerforyou:

killagb

_SusieQ_

There is absolutely no right or wrong answer here. Everyone has different views of what a relationship entails. My husband has gone to strip clubs for bachelor parties and watches porn on occasion. When I was younger it bothered me more, but as I matured I don't have a problem with it. If he were going to clubs more frequently or just b/c it was Tuesday, that might be different. I said all that to say, she may have truly been upset about it and was lashing out. Women do that. Not ALL women by ANY means, but some. I have done/said stupid things before in anger that I wish I could take back.

I hope you felt better talking about it and I hope you think things through before acting. But in all honesty, no one can tell you what to do because no one is in this relationship except for you and her. Take this note that you wrote, paraphrase it, and repeat it back to her. Be prepared for how you want to react based on her answers.

Good luck.

hpsnickers1

Ok I don't know her but that screams RED FLAG to me. I would say that your gut is correct. I'm sorry but you're going to have to be careful. Sometimes things just don't work out but if she was trying to make it work she wouldn't be talking/texting with ex. She wouldn't be talking about seeing him etc.

Unfortunately girls aren't always forth coming and completely honest about things. I'm guessing (from your story) that she's going to play the field with you and him. She's going to see if the ex is still attractive why she keeps you hanging.

Head to the gym, spend some awesome time with your boys and keep your mind open till you know for sure. They call it the green eyed monster for a reason. Maybe a kickboxing session would help....

Good luck and I hope everything that I said was wrong.

I have a tendency to be very distrustful (been burned too many times). to me it's a Red Flag, too. Something is fishy. You going to a Gentlemen's Club isn't the same as her meeting up with an ex that she could still have feelings for (and keeping it from you).

SarabellPlus3

Also, to say, on my phone when you go into just the general text area, to write a new text, you see a small "preview" of the 10 or so most recent texts. So yes, you could get into this scenario without actively snooping, absolutely.

AudgePaudge

Go with your instincts on this one!! My husband and I were talking about situations like this last night. We have a friend who cheated on his wife in the past. She's never got over it and in my opinion has absolutely no reason to! If your SO cheated on you in the past, there will always be that feeling of not being able to trust them in your heart. Why would you want to set yourself up for misery? If my husband ever cheated on me, or even got close to it I would never trust him and make him and me miserable over it for the rest of our lives! Live your life and don't waste any more time on people who aren't worth it!

mrmanmeat

I personally think the underwear part is silly, I wear sexy underwear all the time. Even when I work out. I don't think it has anything to do with cheating--unless she NEVER wears sexy underwear.

I put in my 2 cents already, but I seriously suggest 1. communicating more. And 2. see a therapist. If she loves you and wants to earn your trust, she will go with you.

he's been communicating. she's the one at fault.
therapist, lulz, cheater is a cheater.

vingogly

I personally think the underwear part is silly, I wear sexy underwear all the time. Even when I work out. I don't think it has anything to do with cheating--unless she NEVER wears sexy underwear.

Read the wearing of the underwear in context: he goes to a club; she writes to a friend about an old girlfriend; confronted, she tells him she was "posturing" because she was angry; she announces she's going to be away for the weekend; she puts on sexy underwear and says she might have dinner with a "girlfriend". Your wearing sexy underwear when you work out has nothing to do with cheating, but the OP's talking about a different relationship and a different situation.

TNAJackson

In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.

^^^ I agree with this. ^^^

However, I still would be leary. You guys need to talk. Sit down and have a long hard talk about WHY she sent the messages, where she's actually going, and why the sudden change in her behavior, but please don't be suprised when she brings up the gentlemens club. I guarentee you that it killed her inside that you went (if she's anything like me). Let her know how you feel and let her tell you how she feels, and then work on it as a couple.

Then if you find out she's cheating, leave her *kitten*.

Tropical_Turtle

Whoa! ok, first I could care less if my man went to a gentlemans club. Heck - take me with you!! lol My theory is as long as he is coming home to me - I dont care. Sounds as if she does not trust you to be upset over that (there are MUCH worse things that she could be getting upset over!!)

Those texts - she knew you would find them and I am thinking she wants her ex back and left it there so you would be able to find it. To be honest, if I were you I would walk away. You already have your nasty divorce going on, why suffer through more needless drama.

((((((((((((((( HUGE HUGS))))))))))))))) because I think you might need it!! Hang in there - follow your gut!

risefromruin

I think you already know the answer to your question. You seem like a nice person who definitely deserves better.

TNAJackson

That's SO mean! LOL!

AudgePaudge

I have to disagree...this is the best

fudgebudget

She sounds petty and vindictive. She would have every right to be pissed about you going to a "gentlemen's club" (and really, let's call it what it is, a shrine to objectivity), but that's not a reason to flaunt her ex right under your nose. You're 44 - if you're not dating an adult you have every reason to move on.

datguy2011

peace out I guess eh.

StrongerJess

I am sorry for the position that you are in. I know that sick feeling in your gut when you find something that hurts you so badly. I personally think that you know what to do, but just ask an online forum because you don't like what your gut is telling you. You know what you should do, but you just don't want to admit that yet.

As for her "posturing" comment, I think it's a pile of crap. I think she was simply trying to bring up something "bad" that you did to take the heat off of her until she figures out what she really wants. Besides, it is incredibly immature and passive aggressive. At 44, you need someone devoted that cares enough about you to communicate and handle her feelings like a grown up.

Best of luck with dealing with all of this. You will find someone that values you enough to be up front.

persephone87

In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.

^^^ I agree with this. ^^^

However, I still would be leary. You guys need to talk. Sit down and have a long hard talk about WHY she sent the messages, where she's actually going, and why the sudden change in her behavior, but please don't be suprised when she brings up the gentlemens club. I guarentee you that it killed her inside that you went (if she's anything like me). Let her know how you feel and let her tell you how she feels, and then work on it as a couple.

Then if you find out she's cheating, leave her *kitten*.

Watching porn isn't cheating and it's pathetic and idiotic to think so. I think I agree with most of the sensible people here who say go with your guts, it sounds suspicious, I'm sorry she's done this to you but she's being unfaithful, sexy underwear you wear if your off to meet another man. If she loves you her ex won't be a consideration and if she's done this once the trust is broken and it can't be repaired.

virginiejaubin

In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.

Really? cheating? I don't feel that way.. I really don't care one way or another if my man goes to a strip club (ok I don't like the $ waste) and I don't think that looking at porn makes you a cheater. I think if you are vested in another physically or emotionally it's cheating. If you're doing something with someone that is your spouse/so then that's cheating. If you are doing something that you wouldn't want done to you then cheating....

The reason why I consider it cheating is because the desire is as bad as the physical act itself. Lets say a guy come home to his gf and says "Honey, you know, I would never cheat on you, but damn I'm thinking of that other woman's body, naked, I really like it and its in my mind, but don't worry I'll never be unfaithful". Its just to illustrate that the intention bothers a lot, and sometimes even more then the act itself.

dolphin9803

I can honestly say that I would never do that unless I wanted out and what she did would be just the thing to start the completely out JMHO. I have to say that goin to the strip club wouldn't have offened me in any way expectially if I whole heartedly trust my SO becuase I know that he is comin home to me :blushing: I would say have a sit down and chat it out just u and her and I don't mean screamiin and yellin at oneanother that doesn't get you anywhere. Tell her what you feel and try to make her tell you what she feels. Obviously you are the only one that can make a decision here as you are the one dealin with it not us I'm so sorry your goin through this but let her have the wkend and think things out and when she gets back have the sit down. Try to enjoy the wkend with ur kids:D:

MiloBloom83

This is the kind of thing that makes me eat frosting out of the can ...

A few weeks ago I saw some texts in my girlfriend's phone. (We openly share each other's phones. My phone was dead and so I was using hers to get in touch with my 14 year old, who only responds to text messages.) She wrote to one of her friends about an old boyfriend, who recently contacted her:

-I still love him
-he puts butterflies in my stomach
-his voice makes me melt

When I first saw the butterflies and melting comments, I thought she was talking about me. When I realized it was someone else, it made me physically ill.

We talked about it for a couple days. The old boyfriend wants to see her. I told her to go see him, and if she still wants him, let me go, so I can move on and don't mess up the second half of my life. (I'm 44 years old in the process of finalizing a nasty divorce.) She told me she was just saying that to the girlfriend because she was "posturing" - the night she wrote those texts she was angry because I went to a gentlemen's club with my law school buddies after our annual reunion dinner.

Ladies - really? Is this something any of you would do?

Guys - what would you do with that?

I (sort of) accepted the explanation, but it messes with my head. And I'm still worried there could be something to it. She usually seems really devoted to me and my boys. But I feel like I need to keep my eyes and ears open, and that sucks. I've never been in this situation before - not trusting 100% in my partner's fidelity.

This morning out of nowhere she tells me she's not going to be staying with me and the boys this weekend. She gave me some half-hearted excuse about emailing me about it. No. This morning she also put on very pretty matching bra and panties, which I was very enthusiastic about. Later, as we walked to the subway, she said she "might" have dinner with a girlfriend tonight.

I have that nauseous feeling that hit me when I saw those texts. I'm imagining her meeting her old boyfriend for drinks, and then taking him back to her apartment - and breaking my heart. It may be a total head trip I'm running on myself, but either way, this sucks. 44 years old. I've never had this kind of visit from the green-eyed monster before.

So, today, I want to turn to the gym - not to that can of frosting ...

There's no imagining. She is hooking up with her ex. Move on. Clearly, she has forgotten why they are "ex's" in the first place.

horndave

In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

bjfmade

Go with your gut feelings.

Play_outside

(I did not read many of the responses, but here are my feelings/thoughts). Wow-that is a very hurtful thing for her to do, and "posturing" or not, totally inappropriate. I would never, EVER say something like that about an ex, whether I was angry with a current boyfriend or not (and I'm not sure why she would be that upset about you going to a "gentleman's club". I have to admit that I probably wouldn't be extremely thrilled about it but I certainly would not be angry, and like I said I would never behave in such a way). It is immature, hurtful, and thoughtless and not really an appropriate way to deal with those feelings. Anyway, I would tend to trust your instincts in this situation as well if I were you, especially if she is behaving out of character. You were honest and straightforward with her and you deserve the same in return. In addition, you deserve to be with someone who does not take out anger in such a vindictive, cruel, and immature way.

Obviously keep in mind that this is coming from someone who knows nothing else about your relationship, however, I do know that in a relationship I have never and would never behave in such a way. No one is perfect, but I believe that there are certain lines of mutual respect, trust, honesty, and friendship that should always exist in a relationship, and to me her behaviour is none of that. Also, to go give some context to my thoughts, I am a person who is trusting and honest and has never been cheated on so I am not naturally suspicious, however I think we agree that there are some big red flag behaviours here.

BTW, great job on going to the gym instead of emotional eating!!! That is really fantastic!

bjfmade

As far as the strip club...who cares. It is not cheating. Guys will be guys and checking out chicks is one of the things they do. If you are in a healthy relationship, you will trust and respect each other enough not to cheat.

virginiejaubin

In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.

^^^ I agree with this. ^^^

However, I still would be leary. You guys need to talk. Sit down and have a long hard talk about WHY she sent the messages, where she's actually going, and why the sudden change in her behavior, but please don't be suprised when she brings up the gentlemens club. I guarentee you that it killed her inside that you went (if she's anything like me). Let her know how you feel and let her tell you how she feels, and then work on it as a couple.



Then if you find out she's cheating, leave her *kitten*.

Watching porn isn't cheating and it's pathetic and idiotic to think so. I think I agree with most of the sensible people here who say go with your guts, it sounds suspicious, I'm sorry she's done this to you but she's being unfaithful, sexy underwear you wear if your off to meet another man. If she loves you her ex won't be a consideration and if she's done this once the trust is broken and it can't be repaired.

I said "In my opinion...." That's what I think. I didnt say other people's way of thinking was pathetic or idiotic. I think you should do the same...say out loud what you think of the situation, but stop judging what other people say, because that is an idiotic thing to do.

killagb

odusgolp

Can I ask how old your girlfriend is?

And just my opinion, but tit for tat doesn't work. If she's pissed you went to a strip club, she should have said something about it. They're two separate issues and one can't be an excuse for another.

In other news, I have ex's that make me tingle at the mere mention of their name. Doesn't mean I'd even entertain the idea of seeing them again... But, she said she still LOVES him. How long has she been with you, but in love with another? Cause that'd p*ss me off enough to shank a b*tch.

fudgebudget

In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.

Really? cheating? I don't feel that way.. I really don't care one way or another if my man goes to a strip club (ok I don't like the $ waste) and I don't think that looking at porn makes you a cheater. I think if you are vested in another physically or emotionally it's cheating. If you're doing something with someone that is your spouse/so then that's cheating. If you are doing something that you wouldn't want done to you then cheating....

The reason why I consider it cheating is because the desire is as bad as the physical act itself. Lets say a guy come home to his gf and says "Honey, you know, I would never cheat on you, but damn I'm thinking of that other woman's body, naked, I really like it and its in my mind, but don't worry I'll never be unfaithful". Its just to illustrate that the intention bothers a lot, and sometimes even more then the act itself.

It's naive to think that one's partner doesn't think about other people in terms of aesthetics. We can all appreciate an attractive person without wanting to cheat. Porn (to me, at least) becomes cheating when it is used as a substitute for intimacy with one's partner. Emotional cheating hurts just as much if not more than physical cheating.

CaptainGordo

I have to disagree...this is the best

Obligatory...



Do what you gotta do, OP! The frosting won't make things better. Put on your big boy pants and talk to her!

Life's too short to put up with this crap. Hope the video helps to cheer you up. :flowerforyou: