Fidelity? ... or, "Dear Abby ..." or, What Would You Do? ...

ackeebee

Sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know you but from your post, you seem like a lovely guy.
Like most people have said so far, I think you should follow you instinct. I understand she is great with your kids but leaving her will probably be the best thing you ever do for yourself and your kids.

H2Ologist

My husband and I open share our phones, e-mails, etc. If he went to a booby club I'd be pissed, but I would b!tch about you to my friends, not swoon over my ex. IMO She isn't over him.

Also, if you don't trust her now, the how can you EVER trust her. I get that trust is gained, but if it you don't believe her, and are focusing on single word like "might" have dinner with a girlfriend, that is an uphill battle that may not be worth fighting.

If you really love her and you want to fight that battle, then do it without blood shed. Talk to her about why you are upset, what you are feeling, and get her take on it. DON'T SCREAM and DON'T SWEAR! There is no reason why a 44 YO can't have a civil normal-toned conversation about feelings with their SO. Communication is the key to ANY relationship.

pupcamper

If she isn't cheating on you she's playing mind games with you either way I don't think you have a solid foundation to build your relationship on. Sounds like the choice is yours - you can dump her now feel bad for a while and move on or let her stick around stick around, live on a relationship rollercoaster and dump her later after you've been really hurt!

Life isn't alway fun/fair/good but it doesn't mean you ever have to settle or be a victim, you need to make the best long term choice for you and your kids!

sandrahover

Let me get the straight...You went to ACTUALLY look at naked women in a place where you could potentially get a lap dance (or not) and you are mad because she is THINKING about someone from her past????

Break up; neither of you is ready to be in a relationship. It seems like you knew that your going to the club was upsetting to her but you did it anyway. Now you are mad because she is considering other possibilities, maybe someone who doesn't go out looking at other women. I am not a prude where sex between couples is concerned but You are in a relationship with someone who is upset by your visit to the club and you ignored her hurt and went anyway. Her response of "I love him" and "he makes me melt" show she is not ready for a committed relationship either.

Furthermore, you told her to go see him, she wants to spend the week-end away from you and now you are mad. WHAT?!?!?! She said she wants to see a girlfriend and you automatically think she's lying. I get that you feel insecure after the text but why would she not just tell you if she was going to see him? I am sorry that you are hurting but finish your divorce, enjoy your children, get to know what you want in a woman. If you want to continue going to "gentleman's clubs" find a woman who can tolerate that and then get in a relationship. I really do hope that you find happiness.

BEST RESPONSE GIVEN

virginiejaubin

In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.

Really? cheating? I don't feel that way.. I really don't care one way or another if my man goes to a strip club (ok I don't like the $ waste) and I don't think that looking at porn makes you a cheater. I think if you are vested in another physically or emotionally it's cheating. If you're doing something with someone that is your spouse/so then that's cheating. If you are doing something that you wouldn't want done to you then cheating....

The reason why I consider it cheating is because the desire is as bad as the physical act itself. Lets say a guy come home to his gf and says "Honey, you know, I would never cheat on you, but damn I'm thinking of that other woman's body, naked, I really like it and its in my mind, but don't worry I'll never be unfaithful". Its just to illustrate that the intention bothers a lot, and sometimes even more then the act itself.

It's naive to think that one's partner doesn't think about other people in terms of aesthetics. We can all appreciate an attractive person without wanting to cheat. Porn (to me, at least) becomes cheating when it is used as a substitute for intimacy with one's partner. Emotional cheating hurts just as much if not more than physical cheating.

Of corse people think about people in terms od aesthetics, even people in relationships. But to me there's a limit between lets say... walking down the street a seeing a girl with really pretty eyes or legs or anourmously huge boobs and talk about it to your girlfriend (for exemple) than going to a place esecially to see other women bodys and get an exceitment out if this which I think sould be reserved to your gf.

virginiejaubin

Let me get the straight...You went to ACTUALLY look at naked women in a place where you could potentially get a lap dance (or not) and you are mad because she is THINKING about someone from her past????

Break up; neither of you is ready to be in a relationship. It seems like you knew that your going to the club was upsetting to her but you did it anyway. Now you are mad because she is considering other possibilities, maybe someone who doesn't go out looking at other women. I am not a prude where sex between couples is concerned but You are in a relationship with someone who is upset by your visit to the club and you ignored her hurt and went anyway. Her response of "I love him" and "he makes me melt" show she is not ready for a committed relationship either.

Furthermore, you told her to go see him, she wants to spend the week-end away from you and now you are mad. WHAT?!?!?! She said she wants to see a girlfriend and you automatically think she's lying. I get that you feel insecure after the text but why would she not just tell you if she was going to see him? I am sorry that you are hurting but finish your divorce, enjoy your children, get to know what you want in a woman. If you want to continue going to "gentleman's clubs" find a woman who can tolerate that and then get in a relationship. I really do hope that you find happiness.

BEST RESPONSE GIVEN

I agree, very good response!

CaptainGordo

Also, bro...

I would suggest making your profile private and/or removing any personal info/photos before posting personal stories like this.

Unless you don't mind airing your dirty laundry in public.

chauncyrenayCHANGED

I'll be frank ... Given the fact that you went to a "gentlemens'" club without knowing how it would impact her, that she didn't tell you it upset her, that she made those comments to her girlfriend, and the fact that she went out with "girlfriends" wearing "pretty" underwear ... either the two of you go into some serious couples' counseling (I suggest finding a therapist who follows the Gottman approach since it focuses on communication), or you move on (and realize you need to work on communication in your next relationship). This isn't going to end well. Do you really believe the "posturing" comment ... and if it IS true, what does that say about your relationship?

If you'd like a book to read about the Gottman approach, I suggest "A Couple's Guide to Communication".

Agree, Agree, Agree!!!!

sophjakesmom

She told me she was just saying that to the girlfriend because she was "posturing" - the night she wrote those texts she was angry because I went to a gentlemen's club with my law school buddies after our annual reunion dinner.

Ladies - really? Is this something any of you would do?

I would not. She sounds very immature and perhaps not ready for an adult relationship. As a divorced mother of 2 kids, if I was in this relationship, I would run, not walk, to the nearest door. This is games at its worst. Put away the frosting and tell her good bye. But that is just me. I am a bit guarded.

Good luck, regardless of what you decide.

Jeff92se

Going to see strippers ins't going to illicit a text like "I love her", "she makes my heart melt" or "I still love her".

Also a strip club isn't a precursor to actual sex AND THE IMITMATE FEELINGS that associated with seeing an ex. Especially when she makes it a point to wear matching sexy underwear that night.

Trying to equate guys (going with other guys) to a strip club and his GF going out to meet an ex boyfriend (and lying about it) isnt' even in the same galaxy.

WifeNMama

First off.. real ladies aren't pissed off when their man goes to a gentleman's club... and if they are... that means the relationship should end because there's no trust there.

Second, leave her... if she still has those feelings.. its not worth it. Move on. Life isn't this hard and you shouldn't be dragged in this process because she got upset and/or she doesn't know what she wants.

That is a huge judgment. I would leave my husband if he went to strip clubs or used porn because marriage means setting yourself apart, "forsaking all others." Don't turn a man's blatant infidelity into a woman's emotional insecurity. I trust my husband not to do either because he is a man of integrity and has no interest in an encounter with some strange woman with no relationship involved. I totally don't understand women who are seemingly ok with it or even join in. No wonder most marriages end. There are too many people involved in it. People want to feel committed and stay non-committal at the same time.

To the OP, end it for both your sakes. Stay single and unavailable until well after your divorce. Spend some time getting to know yourself again. And don't get involved again until you're sure you want to settle down.

losethechalupa

My husband and I share phones too! We have the same phone and if mine is dead and I need to run to the store I take his and vice versa.

Im sorry for your troubles and I can say that I do have warm and fuzzy feelings about an ex but I don't want him back. Some of us girls do feel nostalgia sometimes when miffed at our partners BUT I do not make efforts to contact the ex nor have any interest in being a part of his life. (That is just playing with fire) My husband and I have an agreement to not put ourselves in a situation that is going to set us up for failed marriage and it sounds broad but it works and can be applied to many aspects of our relationship. (14 yrs going strong!) So you my dear have to look at the bigger picture. Has her behavior changed or has she always last minute gone out with friends or decided to not spend the weekend? Could you be hyper sensitive because of what you read?

Open communication is the key to every relationship.

We have different life experiences and different reasons to give certain advice with out truly considering the person. Since I dont know you personally enough to give such life changing advice; I will say that you need to lay it all out in a non confrontational setting. Tell her how the situation is making you feel and tell her what is not acceptable in the relationship. If the two of you can not come to a comfortable understanding then you have some serious thinking to do.

I wish you the best.

losethechalupa

HA!

Slimithy

Can I ask how old your girlfriend is?

And just my opinion, but tit for tat doesn't work. If she's pissed you went to a strip club, she should have said something about it. They're two separate issues and one can't be an excuse for another.

In other news, I have ex's that make me tingle at the mere mention of their name. Doesn't mean I'd even entertain the idea of seeing them again... But, she said she still LOVES him. How long has she been with you, but in love with another? Cause that'd p*ss me off enough to shank a b*tch.

SO THIS!!
I could imagine my wife remembering good times with an Ex. But to use the "L" word in connection with one... WOW! Hell NO!! If you're talking to your girls about somebody making you melt and it ain't me... we gotta problem...

losethechalupa

Just a couple notes: I've successfully used my husband's phone to text my daughter without reading any of his other texts. Reading someone else's thought's, whether they be on paper or on their phone is in my opinion a huge violation of trust. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a strip club if both of you agree to it.

You need to have an honest conversation with her and the two of you should determine the future of your relationship. The last thing you need to do is to take the advice of random people on the internet with no vested interest in your life.

Good luck with your relationship, whether you two decide to separate or work it out. :flowerforyou:

I totally agree! Spacially for the "I can succesfully txt from a phone with out seeing the send messages".

I was thinking the same thing! I use my husbands phone all the time and text ppl from his phone, I never check his text log/call log or listen to his voicemail messages so there must have been some type of trust issue to begin with.

I am one of those women who also dont c anything wrong with going to a strip club. who hasnt been turned on by porn or a sexy hot body? Both Men and women can appreciate that for the most part. It doesnt make you a cheater nor does it indicate that you are having fantasies about that hot body while with your partner. Any one who thinks that their partner is never turned on by someone else is in la la land. But you know what they say about opinions. All of the *kitten* have one. Oh wait, is that the saying???

Hoppymom

In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.

Really? cheating? I don't feel that way.. I really don't care one way or another if my man goes to a strip club (ok I don't like the $ waste) and I don't think that looking at porn makes you a cheater. I think if you are vested in another physically or emotionally it's cheating. If you're doing something with someone that is your spouse/so then that's cheating. If you are doing something that you wouldn't want done to you then cheating....

The reason why I consider it cheating is because the desire is as bad as the physical act itself. Lets say a guy come home to his gf and says "Honey, you know, I would never cheat on you, but damn I'm thinking of that other woman's body, naked, I really like it and its in my mind, but don't worry I'll never be unfaithful". Its just to illustrate that the intention bothers a lot, and sometimes even more then the act itself.

It's naive to think that one's partner doesn't think about other people in terms of aesthetics. We can all appreciate an attractive person without wanting to cheat. Porn (to me, at least) becomes cheating when it is used as a substitute for intimacy with one's partner. Emotional cheating hurts just as much if not more than physical cheating.

Of corse people think about people in terms od aesthetics, even people in relationships. But to me there's a limit between lets say... walking down the street a seeing a girl with really pretty eyes or legs or anourmously huge boobs and talk about it to your girlfriend (for exemple) than going to a place esecially to see other women bodys and get an exceitment out if this which I think sould be reserved to your gf.

Agreed. I also have a problem with the objectification of men and women who perform in these venues. When we look at them without consideration for their entire humanity I think we all lose a bit of our souls.

CoraGregoryCPA

Sorry, but girls don't lie to their girlfriends about "butterflies in their stomach". We don't lie to our girlfriends because we are mad at you.

If I told my friend that a guy gave me butterflies, it's because he does. I'm really sorry, but I think you gotta go your seperate ways. You don't need the devestation, heart ache or cheating right now. If your going through a nasty divorce, your kids don't need to see a nasty relationship and breakup with your new girlfriend. Get it over with and move on. Sorry.

Hoppymom

First off.. real ladies aren't pissed off when their man goes to a gentleman's club... and if they are... that means the relationship should end because there's no trust there.

Second, leave her... if she still has those feelings.. its not worth it. Move on. Life isn't this hard and you shouldn't be dragged in this process because she got upset and/or she doesn't know what she wants.

That is a huge judgment. I would leave my husband if he went to strip clubs or used porn because marriage means setting yourself apart, "forsaking all others." Don't turn a man's blatant infidelity into a woman's emotional insecurity. I trust my husband not to do either because he is a man of integrity and has no interest in an encounter with some strange woman with no relationship involved. I totally don't understand women who are seemingly ok with it or even join in. No wonder most marriages end. There are too many people involved in it. People want to feel committed and stay non-committal at the same time.

To the OP, end it for both your sakes. Stay single and unavailable until well after your divorce. Spend some time getting to know yourself again. And don't get involved again until you're sure you want to settle down.

Yup..This^^^^

Slimithy

Also, as a guy I'll throw my opinion in on the Porn/strippers cheating thing...

Cheating exists on a continuum. There are degrees of cheating; talking to an ex, flirting with coworkers, dressing provocotivly to illicit a response from people besides your partner, using sexual innuendo, having romantic conversations, talking/dating, keeping secrets, kissing, sex, porn, Strippers... The key in any relationship is to discuss boundaries and guidelines for that relationship. You simply have to know where your line is, and everyone's is different. And your line is the right line for you, no matter what anyone else says. You have to find a partner who will agree to abide by that line and one who has a line you can abaide my; whether that be allowing porn/strippers or not. Allowing for conversations with exes or not, etc...

Iamfit4life

WIthout reading this whole thing
My idea on cheating is

If it would make your partner uncomfortable, if you wouldn't do it in front of them. It's cheating.

Cut and dry, plain and simple.

And if you are really really in love with your S/O there isn't another man, woman, dog, cat or Extra terrestrial that si going to give you butterflies.

BobbyClerici

It's over slick.

Pack either your bags or hers.
If you guys are living together, don't be there when she gets back and be glad you caught this early.
If she's still swooning over an old boyfriend and you're going to tit clubs, neither of you are ready for a relationship.

Slow down, and beware the relationship rebound.

umachanxo

Trust is really important in a relationship, in my opinion. I share my phone with my fiance (actually, I use his most of the time because he has an awesome android and I just had a flip phone xD), and anything I text to anyone is completely open for him to read. I'd think that if she knew that she shared phones with you, something like that was either meant for you to read out of anger, or it was a complete lack of thought on her part.

Either way, those kinds of thoughts towards an ex could be troubling for her. If it had just been those texts, I would suggest to sit down and talk it out, but where you've mentioned that she's dressing up and going out... do you trust that she's actually going out with a girlfriend? Perhaps there is something deep rooted that she hasn't the courage to bring up to you that's bothering her?

I'm big on the "mend it don't end it" type of thing, and I really think there might be something bothering her or something that she just hasn't brought up yet that needs to be talked about. It could be something bothering her about the relationship, or maybe she does love someone else and doesn't know what to do.

I know that I was in a situation once where I did still have feelings for my (only) ex boyfriend. I struggled with it for a while, and spent a lot of time out with my girls to talk it out. I didn't want to bring it up to my fiance, because it would concern him. I eventually did tell him, and I also discovered in that period of time just how important my fiance is to me. And any leftover feelings from a past relationship weren't worth losing him over.

I hope everything that I'm saying makes sense, and I know that you are getting a lot of responses to this. I'd try talking, figuring out what's bothering her. If she needs time to realize that she does need you and that these feelings are not worth the end to your relationship, give her space to figure it out. And make sure you ask her where the relationship should be going at this point.

It seems to me that she might be confused with how she feels.
I don't know though, because I have only gotten a tiny picture of the situation. I don't have her side of the story, and I don't know either one of you, and I don't know what your relationship is like. So this is the best that I can do.

EDIT;; Just seeing the posts about the gentlemen's club now. Sorry, I must have skimmed over it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion on it, including you. But what should matter to you is how SHE feels about it. EVERY WOMAN has a DIFFERENT feeling towards their men and porn. For example, when my man watched porn, it made me uncomfortable, and I didn't really know why. I think it was probably just insecurity. Even the most secure woman can feel insecure about some things. In my case, I was just really insecure about myself at the time. Nowadays, if I found out that he was watching it, I'd just be worried about viruses on the computer.

As for a strip club. Personally, I wouldn't like it. I'd feel hurt and I would feel like he didn't respect how I feel about it. You have to set boundaries in your relationship, and understand how your partner feels about things like that.

How would you feel if your girlfriend went to a Host Club and was entertained by attractive men with her girlfriends? It depends on the person, but that could very well be bothering her. She could be feeling really insecure, she could be feeling lonely. She could feel like she's not attractive enough for you, and thus she's looking for comfort in another man. Maybe she doesn't feel like you WANT her anymore. And that could be why she's taking to another person who is chasing her and acting like he wants her.

This is just from my personal point of view, and I'm not saying it's right. Everyone's entitled to their opinion and I sincerely hope that things work out for you.

bigdawg025

I would say your instincts are most likely correct, and I would have to consider leaving her. I would absolutely have to think her motives for her "dinner and weekend" are beyond questionable. I think you deserve better, too, and it sounds like you've been very good to her. Someone going to a gentleman's club and someone going out with an ex- are COMPLETELY different. I think she's probably been talking to the guy for awhile, and she just used the gentleman's club as her justification to set up the meeting.

Espressocycle

DTMFA

TNAJackson

In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.

^^^ I agree with this. ^^^

However, I still would be leary. You guys need to talk. Sit down and have a long hard talk about WHY she sent the messages, where she's actually going, and why the sudden change in her behavior, but please don't be suprised when she brings up the gentlemens club. I guarentee you that it killed her inside that you went (if she's anything like me). Let her know how you feel and let her tell you how she feels, and then work on it as a couple.



Then if you find out she's cheating, leave her *kitten*.

Watching porn isn't cheating and it's pathetic and idiotic to think so. I think I agree with most of the sensible people here who say go with your guts, it sounds suspicious, I'm sorry she's done this to you but she's being unfaithful, sexy underwear you wear if your off to meet another man. If she loves you her ex won't be a consideration and if she's done this once the trust is broken and it can't be repaired.

I said "In my opinion...." That's what I think. I didnt say other people's way of thinking was pathetic or idiotic. I think you should do the same...say out loud what you think of the situation, but stop judging what other people say, because that is an idiotic thing to do.

Thank you!

Jeff92se

Is watching porn with your spouse make it a 3-way?

fudgebudget

Is watching porn with your spouse make it a 3-way?

I believe Margaret Cho compared this to eating while watching the Food Network. It's just a bonus.

ARMom8251

At your age, you don't have time for that.

Hell who has time for that at any age!

Dave198lbs

you kidding? DUMP HER NOW...good god ....MAN UP and MOVE ON

stcar

Sorry, but girls don't lie to their girlfriends about "butterflies in their stomach". We don't lie to our girlfriends because we are mad at you.

If I told my friend that a guy gave me butterflies, it's because he does. I'm really sorry, but I think you gotta go your seperate ways. You don't need the devestation, heart ache or cheating right now. If your going through a nasty divorce, your kids don't need to see a nasty relationship and breakup with your new girlfriend. Get it over with and move on. Sorry.

I have one ex and just hearing his voice will give me butterflies. This will never change, no matter how in love with someone else I am. He's bad news, therefore I would never go back....but chemistry is chemistry and it doesn't change because the relationship is over. In my opinion.