Married but feels like a single mom

simplycindy07

Anyone else out there feel the same way? I have 2 boys; 5 (almost 6) and just 2. And a husband who is so completely selfish that I get no time for myself. I feel like I am doing all this on my own... All the housework, taking care of the boys, finding time to work from home, all the things that hubby should be able to do for himself but expects me to do it... like answering the door when he is right there and I am helping our 2 year-old eat...

I have a hard enough time trying to find time to work... which is usually 4-7 am, during my 2 year-olds nap and after the boys go to bed. When am I supposed to take time to exercise? He tells me to just do it, but then when I ask him to stay inside so I can, I get a deep sigh from him, then I hear him yelling at the boys. So, then I stop my workout to "rescue" the boys. I know he is doing it on purpose cuz he knows I'll stop but I don't feel that it is right for me to put my boys through that just so I can get 30 mins of time in for myself.

Anyone have any suggestions?

Thanks.

Cindy

Clarecbear82

I don't have an answer I'm afraid but just want you to know your not alone in feeling like this :flowerforyou:

simplycindy07

Ugh. Totally sucks. I need a tropical island with a hot cabana boy bringing me fruity alcoholic beverages with umbrellas in them. LOL Wanna join me? :laugh:

Jellyphant

Bring down the hammer. Put those balls in a jar above the fridge, girl. Time to do YOU.

laineyluma

Bring down the hammer. Put those balls in a jar above the fridge, girl. Time to do YOU.

This

PaigeJMP

I think every mom feels like this at some point.... you can't change him, only the way you react. Maybe try to find ways to work out that doesn't involve depending on him to "watch" the kids. Try taking your kids to the playground, make it a workout for yourself! do some pull ups on the playstructure, push up, sit ups, step ups on the benches, race the kids around, or let them play on the playground while you work out nearby.
I joined a gym with a child minding centre. If that's an option for you, check it out.
Good luck! you can do it! Don't let ANYONE sabotage you!!!

vs1023

It happens sometimes here. It helps that we have a sitter now so I can go do things I need to do including working from home. Don't get me wrong my hubby is very helpful, but there are times I feel like i'm running a marathon trying to keep things together on the homefront and the kids and still try to find time for me. My health is a priority because without it this ship wouldn't run as smoothly as it does. Can you workout outside the home? I know it's hard for me not to intervene if the kids are acting up and Dh is getting short with them. If I'm not here then I don't know about it and can focus on me.

deeharley

Quit rescuing them. If he's truly doing it only to get you to stop, tell him, you're not going to be stopping from now on and he needs to have patience with HIS children. He is not babysitting for you, he is spending time with the humans that he is responsible for, that will carry on the legacy of who he is. He's welcome to pass on whatever he wants during your time, but pass it on he will because you are exercising so that you will be around longer to support him and them and the two of you can pass on the best legacy possible.

Eleanorjanethinner

Lordy, Lordy... how about you sit down with your husband and tell him what you've told us? He's not going to like it as people generally hate change, especially if it involves effort, but if he cares about you, he should be willing to take on some more parenting.

Frame it as 'I feel exhausted... I would like...' - avoid criticising or saying 'You...'. Focus on what you'd like things to be like. Listen to his side of the story and negotiate. Maybe he was brought up in a family where the men didn't parent? Does he think this is the best way for you, the kids, him? How would he like things to be?

Good luck!

PS - if you're going to change your family dynamic, you'll need lots and lots of conversations. Years of habit don't change overnight, even if folk want them too.

LATeagno

I'm with you in a lot of ways. My husband is a doctoral student and he works about 65 hours per week, and then comes home and studies the entire time. I do 99% of everything. The other day, our dog threw up in the living room. I was downstairs doing laundry and he proclaimed, "Honey, the dog left you a present."

**sigh**

kyrstensmom

It sounds like your husband is completely selfish....that being said, maybe you can sit the boys down with some color crayons and books while you get your 30 minutes in, or do some workout DVD's that they can "do" with you? Maybe try working out on your days off during naptime?

You shouldn't have to rescue your children from their father, and if you do, maybe there's more going on than him just being selfish. I'm sorry you have to deal with that and I hope you find a solution that works for you and your children.

ninerbuff

Couseling. From your DH's perspective, he probably doesn't see any problems with the exception that you may be complaining. Time to let him hear it from a person other than yourself. If he's not willing to go, then it's probably because he doesn't want anything to change. Then it's up to you at that point to put your foot down.


A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

ogosun

Sounds like your husband is from "backwards outcast village" somewhere way way back in time like 1940's or something like that...... Ewwwwww. Run away far away with your boys....

aippolito1

Divorce?

earlinerowe

Wow!, your scenario is so typical of the husband sabotaging your efforts. Does he need to get in shape? if so, make it family event. Haae you voiced your feelings about what he's doing and how it's making you feel? Try it!!!:flowerforyou:

adjones5

I have no advice for you as I have never been married but I am sorry you are going through this it must be very hard. You're a strong woman.

LeelaLosing

If you don't feel comfortable with the way he parents and feel you need to rescue your kids from their father, you have bigger problems than figuring out how to find time to work out....based on your post, I'd honestly question why you're married to this guy. He's selfish, doesn't seem to care about you enough to respect your time to work, work out, or respect his serious role as a father and role model....what does he do for you or your children? (minus a paycheck...all of you need and deserve more than that). I would hire a sitter and sit him down without distractions and have a really serious conversation with him about the future of your relationship and family. If he doesn't want to be part of the healthy, functioning family that you are working to create, then I'd say move ahead for yourself. He needs a wake up call and he better wake the *kitten* up or he's going to miss out.

fit4mom

I take a biblical approach to this. Totally counter intuitive but usually counter intuitive works. Give undo grace where it is needed. Having compassion where you are determined not to give it. Acting in the love of Christ vs reacting. I felt this feeling when I first got married and had a new baby and wanted to work out. It's not so much that He doesn't want you to work out, but doesn't necessarily understand how you feel. He comes from a place where he's with people and personalities all day. So I'm sure he is a little uneasy when it comes to the kids. And he also doesn't get that you are needing this time. I make it a point to work out before the family gets up so it's not even a point of contention or during naps. This way I am also blessing them while I am getting my alone time. I do totally get where you are coming from. And while your feelings are validated I want to present a perspective that over time things will get easier. They did for me. And you are doing this for him as much as yourself so adjustments within the family will need to be made. It's hard at first when ever changes are being made and you could tell him in a kind way that the yelling makes it difficult to work out so maybe you guys could come to some sort of compromise. I really truly hope this helps you and am very blessed by your ability to reach out to the MFP peeps to sort out your feelings and confide in your burdens. Be blessed and know were here for you.

cheshirequeen

hubby finally, after me saying, i dont care what you say or do, this is about me, not you, and you are not stopping me. he was trying to sabotage me because he thought id go out and find somebody else/better than him. that could possibly be it. he saw guys staring more at me and was jealous. the whole father thing though, i have always just said, your son didnt get here by himself. it took two of us to make him, its going to take two of us to raise him. sometimes the whole he works and you are at home with the boys and can work from home, at least for hubby, thought he could get the pass of, i worked all day, staying at home with the kids is no biggie and you are here, so you should do it, and i shouldnt have to do anything attitude. i refused to do anything for him. i didnt cook, clean, or do anything for him. i made dinner for me and our son, washed our clothes, and he got it. i told him im not a single mother, and if you are going to make me feel like one, then you fend for yourself, because technically, if i was a single mother, you wouldnt be here. hopefully something will help, talking is a start, and although yelling, crying, screaming, ignoring, which can be a short term fix, have helped, long term talking and explaining this is not about him, this is about your life, being a healthier wife/mother so you can lead by example to your children and their futures. good luck to you. :flowerforyou:

pinkminy

communication is one of the very important ingredients that make any relationship work, you must communicate to him exactly how you feel about all this, and by communicate i mean talk civil not yelling or arguing, and if it does escalate to a yelling match then tell him just hold on .....stop ... and then re-start the topic when you've both had time to think and regroup in a calm mood after all non of us can read minds and so if we don't talk about things and come to a compromise it will go on and on and on,
HEY.... in order to change somethings in your life YOU have to change somethings in your life.

oberon0124

From this man's point of view he is a sh-t !!!

He helped make them he should help care for them.

Tell him to get with the program my friend!!!

Or get him right where most men live their balls. It always seemd to get my attention!!!

caitmcwill

i know the feeling. I am married and a single mom. Divorce will be final in 3 weeks. woot woot!

bjohs

Anyone else out there feel the same way? I have 2 boys; 5 (almost 6) and just 2. And a husband who is so completely selfish that I get no time for myself. I feel like I am doing all this on my own... All the housework, taking care of the boys, finding time to work from home, all the things that hubby should be able to do for himself but expects me to do it... like answering the door when he is right there and I am helping our 2 year-old eat...

I have a hard enough time trying to find time to work... which is usually 4-7 am, during my 2 year-olds nap and after the boys go to bed. When am I supposed to take time to exercise? He tells me to just do it, but then when I ask him to stay inside so I can, I get a deep sigh from him, then I hear him yelling at the boys. So, then I stop my workout to "rescue" the boys. I know he is doing it on purpose cuz he knows I'll stop but I don't feel that it is right for me to put my boys through that just so I can get 30 mins of time in for myself.

Anyone have any suggestions?

Thanks.

Cindy

Since he is selfish, cater to those selfish needs while getting what you want. Think of ways he can benefit from your workouts. Examples that come to mind:

- If he gives you 30 minutes to work out without being interrupted, you will make his favorite meal.
- If he allows you to work out peacefully and on schedule, for every 5 lbs you lose, he gets some "romance".

Make it work to your advantage. It may not work for him, but it's worth a try... especially if you can work it in without him knowing you are changing him.

Otherwise, you could find ways to make sure the boys are taken care of and supervised a different way. Once you have that figured out, your husband will quickly realize that you can do everything on your own and don't really need him for anything. That may scare him in to wanting to help out more.

No matter what you come up with as an answer, I just want to wish you luck in your weight loss journey and with your relationship. Everyone deserves to be happy.

coyoteo

My only suggestion would be to have this conversation with your husband.

kittytrix

I had a very similar situation. My husband would spend hours on his computer playing World of Warcraft and thought just because he was working he had done his part.

I begged and pleaded and finally I gave up and said, "Fine. I can do this myself. He can miss the milestones." That went on for almost a year and I would mention to him now and then that it had to come to an end.

Finally, two months after my son was born, I was under so much stress at work, home and everywhere that I had a massive asthma attack and almost died.

Funny thing, almost dying, it gets your partner's attention pretty quick.

For two months I couldn't do anything. Nothing at all. He had to so it all and he realized how much pressure I was under and what he was missing. Baths with the kids, trips to the park, walking our oldest to school.

When I was well enough he wanted to be a part of our family but I had gotten on so well without him that he didn't know what to do. .At that point he was willing to try and work and I had to make an effort to allow him back in as well.

Now I don't suggest you go and nearly die, but what I will say to you is stop doing things for him that he can do himself but don't be malicious about it. Personally, I think many women, me included, will do more than is expected or needed in order to show our affection, but many men or partners unwittingly take advantage of it. I don't think my husband did it on purpose but when I don't allow or excpect any responsibilities then he won't take any on.

Talk to him and if that doesn't work, try to show him how much pressure you are under but don't yell. When you yell no one gets heard. I've learned this. Unfortunately it took a three-day coma and two collapsed lungs for him to see how the stress affected me, but I hope it doesn't get that far for you. If all else fails you may have a hard decision to make. You have to always to remember that you are the blue prints for your children's future relationships. If they see mom doing everything and dad disengaged, it may set them up for unrealistic views of what a relaltionship should be.

I'm glad to say that this year we celebrated our seventh aniversary. We still have our moments but I think we are laying down a great foundation for your children to build their relationships upon.

I hope this helps.

fit4mom

My only suggestion would be to have this conversation with your husband.

This is wonderful!

cramernh

If you don't feel comfortable with the way he parents and feel you need to rescue your kids from their father, you have bigger problems than figuring out how to find time to work out....based on your post, I'd honestly question why you're married to this guy. He's selfish, doesn't seem to care about you enough to respect your time to work, work out, or respect his serious role as a father and role model....what does he do for you or your children? (minus a paycheck...all of you need and deserve more than that). I would hire a sitter and sit him down without distractions and have a really serious conversation with him about the future of your relationship and family. If he doesn't want to be part of the healthy, functioning family that you are working to create, then I'd say move ahead for yourself. He needs a wake up call and he better wake the *kitten* up or he's going to miss out.

No man should ever think they can get away with being part of the reproductive process... I dont care how many hours he works, 50/50, no questions asked and no arguments about it. He needs to man up or get his *kitten* kicked to the curb.... Id like to see that husband of yours get up at the wee hours of the morning, change diapers, make the breakfasts, get the kids cleaned up, clothed, start the dishes, prepare the meals, do the laundry, clean the house, transport ALL of the kids to an from doctor's appointments, get up with them when they vomit, when they have nightmares, AND STILL BE EXPECTED to work a full damn schedule!

My current husband never allowed that to happen - and was a great father to my daughter - someone he didnt have to have any responsibility for considering he was a step-parent.... he was more manly than my daughter's biological sperm-donor!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shaz_74

Be patient. It won't be like this forever.
Once your youngest starts school, you'll have a lot of time for yourself, I promise.
Start training your boys from now to be helpful and independent. The 5yr old can keep his brother busy while you get in a quick workout. Buy them some 1 lb weights and they can exercise with you.

Divorce should only be an option if you really despise your hubby ... and I suspect you don't. Every mother feels frustrated and overwhelmed when her kids are little.

Mom2Asa

We are in a similar boat. My hubby is gone 2 weeks and then home 2 weeks. So 2 weeks a month I am solo 24/7 to take care of our 8mo old, run 2 businesses from home and keep house. What gets done gets done, period.

When he is home it used to be an issue being just another extra on my plate till lately. We had a chat and I told him I did not care what did or did not get done as long as our son is fed, taken care of, healthy and happy and if he wanted more done he could get off his *kitten* the 2 weeks he is home and do it. The clothes are clean--they may be in a basket folded becuase that is as far as I got but if you want them put up---you have 2 arms and legs that work---same goes with dishes etc....it is done and done the best way I can do it without having a breakdown and I had to lay it out and spell it for my hubby----he did not get it---I would get so mad becuase I would think---really the trash is full and instead of take it out you shove more in until one day I had enough and asked him what gives.....he did not think about it and I thought it was obvious

---

you just have to have a serious chat with him and I remind him or now ask him to do things I think he should just automatically do like take the trash out when it is full----I do EVERYTHING the 2 weeks he is gone---can I get a break from trash when he is home or what LOL.

As far as working out goes----I workout during my son's first nap. When I am solo there are times I have to stop but when daddy is home he can spend time with his son. I still wait till first nap but if he wakes it is all my hubby. The first time or two I stopped becuase my hubby did not respond quick enough but now I put my headphones in and I don't stop, period!

fit4mom

Think of all the poor stay at home moms who have husbands away in the military or worse. So fining time vs having no one at all is better. Just know even though your not alone you are blessed to have someone in your life.

angee1126

Sounds like your husband is from "backwards outcast village" somewhere way way back in time like 1940's or something like that...... Ewwwwww. Run away far away with your boys....

^^^^
Far, far away!!! I thought i was the only one thinking that...