Married but feels like a single mom

christine24t

you have to tell him what you want from him, and what the consequences are if he can't give you what you need and want.

those kids are as much his as they are yours, and he needs to be willing to help you out with them.

MercenaryNoetic26

Do you ever speak up? I mean do you just do everything because you figure he won't and just to keep the peace? When I don't want to answer the door I disappear and that forces him to do it. LOL typically when it's HIS MOM! Don't be afraid to speak up. As long as you get the point across without nagging or whining, men listen. If they don't, go on strike. Show him what things are like when you don't do everything. Then tell him simply, if it bothers him so much why doesn't he do something about it...

**edit** The part where he sighs... IGNORE it. That's whats tough about working out at home; distractions. He needs to know how much this means to you and he needs to respect that.

bjfmade

Quit rescuing them. If he's truly doing it only to get you to stop, tell him, you're not going to be stopping from now on and he needs to have patience with HIS children. He is not babysitting for you, he is spending time with the humans that he is responsible for, that will carry on the legacy of who he is. He's welcome to pass on whatever he wants during your time, but pass it on he will because you are exercising so that you will be around longer to support him and them and the two of you can pass on the best legacy possible.

^^^^^^^
definitely this!

kyrstensmom

Think of all the poor stay at home moms who have husbands away in the military or worse. So fining time vs having no one at all is better. Just know even though your not alone you are blessed to have someone in your life.

I totally disagree. Those men/women who are AWAY in the military aren't home and choosing not to help. This man is home and capable of helping, yet still makes the choice not to help, which makes it much worse. Blessed would be having a man who helps because he is part of the family and wants to contribute more than a paycheck.

Mom2Asa

I totally disagree. Those men/women who are AWAY in the military aren't home and choosing not to help. This man is home and capable of helping, yet still makes the choice not to help, which makes it much worse. Blessed would be having a man who helps because he is part of the family and wants to contribute more than a paycheck.
[/quote]



Very good point!!

crca7118

Hey I'm sorry you are going through this Obviously not knowing either of you I can only give an opinion - I being divorced myself after becoming skinny can say looking from the outside in. Sometimes men act like they want us to be skinny but their biggest fear is losing us when we get there. So sometimes you face more of a battle because they really don't want you to succeed because of their own fears. Don't let this hold you back - Just keeping getting in every bit of exercise you can. Take the kids out for the exercise too and just make it part of your lives. Getting a break from everything else is another story. Have any family members that can help?

juliapurpletoes

If you love him (not just the idea of being a "family") then talk to him and perhaps seek relationshilp/marriage counseling with a very good counselor. (look for a great one..there are alot of bad ones out there...)

If you are tired of this nonsense, and can see what the big picture truly is (and only you can know that), then divorce him. It will not be easy....but in time it will all be better. Kids will adjust and life will be "right" again.

I wish you the best

Shaz_74

Think of all the poor stay at home moms who have husbands away in the military or worse. So fining time vs having no one at all is better. Just know even though your not alone you are blessed to have someone in your life.

That's a great way of putting things in perspective. :flowerforyou:

ProudDaddy

Tell him to shape up or ship out.

DakotaKeogh

Suggestions? Yeah. Sorry to be harsh, but kick him to the curb and marry a man, not a boy. That's absurd. He's a disgrace.

CrystalMarie253

This is why I've chosen not to have kids lol

CrystalMarie253

Suggestions? Yeah. Sorry to be harsh, but kick him to the curb and marry a man, not a boy. That's absurd. He's a disgrace.

I'm pretty much for this one, but talk to him and give him a chance to get his act together first.

nyangelica79

Sorry to hear but you need to talk to him. This is influencing your sons and how they will treat their partners in the future as well.

justsummie

Not that it is going to change "the big picture" but if you can at all swing it I would suggest joining a gym that offers free child care such as Gold's Gym. I have a pretty good hubby but he works really crazy hours sometimes so in order for me to have my fitness time I needed a gym that offered child care. Its not as pricey as you may think and it has the added benefit of getting the kids used to socializing with other children.

dakitten2

Is it possible that he feels threatened by you losing weight? Some men have the mentality that if they dont have a "hot" wife, no one else would want them. Believe me, I'm not taking up for him because I believe men and women both are supposed to be responsible for their children in a joint effort. Does he watch the kids while you shop or anything? Or is he always finding a way out of his responsibiity as a father?

Clearly you should have this conversation with him and if you dont get the answers you want, only you can decide what is right for you to do.

fit4mom

Think of all the poor stay at home moms who have husbands away in the military or worse. So fining time vs having no one at all is better. Just know even though your not alone you are blessed to have someone in your life.

I totally disagree. Those men/women who are AWAY in the military aren't home and choosing not to help. This man is home and capable of helping, yet still makes the choice not to help, which makes it much worse. Blessed would be having a man who helps because he is part of the family and wants to contribute more than a paycheck.

You could be single momming it as I have known moms to do during their military spouse's away time. Or you could have a husband who died from cancer as my aunt had. Be blessed that you have somebody vs nobody.

annabellj

Be patient. It won't be like this forever.
Once your youngest starts school, you'll have a lot of time for yourself, I promise.
Start training your boys from now to be helpful and independent. The 5yr old can keep his brother busy while you get in a quick workout. Buy them some 1 lb weights and they can exercise with you.

Divorce should only be an option if you really despise your hubby ... and I suspect you don't. Every mother feels frustrated and overwhelmed when her kids are little.

mine was exactly like yours. i got the 5 yr old a tricycle, put the 2 yr old on the back of my bike and off we went. some men dont change. we also had some dvds that the kids liked like elmo exercise or whatever. it took the third child to make him realize what a jerk he was being and how hard i work all the time cuz then i couldnt do anything with the baby being in intensive care and he had to take care of the others as my parents were deceased so they couldnt help obviously!

premiumchilenita

This use to be a problem for me. I'm lucky and have someone that came around and is now really supportive. BUT I felt exactly the same. First of all he IS being totally selfish. But don't let that beat you down. I now go running with my three boys and we all have fun. My eldest (6) rides his bike next to me and the other 2 (3 and 1) go in my double stroller. We all have lots of fun and I don't need anyone to look after my boys.

When it's raining; we all do Zumba together on the TV. Although my hubby is more than happy to help out now, I still do this because we enjoy it so much together.

That's the work out part to it........

The losing weight side, instead of giving myself a goal, I gave him a goal. When I lose my 10kg's he gets a reward. This made it much more encouraging for him. Not that that's his mentality now, but it worked to start with.

bethvandenberg

Ok seriously we all feel that we do it all, and then some of us do. I don't "resuce" my kids from their Dad b/c it's their Dad. Does he parent like me? NO! But not my issue. His and theirs. My loving man will take all I give him and want more. He likes to come first. But then we have kids so that doesn't always work for him. Babe you have to save yourself. If you don't take care of you, you will end up paying in ways that you don't want. Stand your ground. You're not asking for much. Good luck in you endeavors.

mhotch

If all he can do is yell at them , so be it. You cannot "rescue" the boys from him, unless you fear there is potential for physical harm to the boys. But what he NEEDS to know is Yelling is a legacy he will pass on to his children. As they grow older and more independent, they will not want to have anything to do with their father. Is this something that he can live with? As they get older and start to have their own families , you husband will be barely a second thought in their lives.

kyrstensmom

Think of all the poor stay at home moms who have husbands away in the military or worse. So fining time vs having no one at all is better. Just know even though your not alone you are blessed to have someone in your life.

I totally disagree. Those men/women who are AWAY in the military aren't home and choosing not to help. This man is home and capable of helping, yet still makes the choice not to help, which makes it much worse. Blessed would be having a man who helps because he is part of the family and wants to contribute more than a paycheck.

You could be single momming it as I have known moms to do during their military spouse's away time. Or you could have a husband who died from cancer as my aunt had. Be blessed that you have somebody vs nobody.

I would rather have nobody if the somebody didn't want to contribute and be a productive member of the family.

fit4mom

Think of all the poor stay at home moms who have husbands away in the military or worse. So fining time vs having no one at all is better. Just know even though your not alone you are blessed to have someone in your life.

I totally disagree. Those men/women who are AWAY in the military aren't home and choosing not to help. This man is home and capable of helping, yet still makes the choice not to help, which makes it much worse. Blessed would be having a man who helps because he is part of the family and wants to contribute more than a paycheck.

You could be single momming it as I have known moms to do during their military spouse's away time. Or you could have a husband who died from cancer as my aunt had. Be blessed that you have somebody vs nobody.

I would rather have nobody if the somebody didn't want to contribute and be a productive member of the family.

It's so sad when people devalue people just because of pride. She didn't say he wasn't being productive when in fact he is working and just because there is some miscommunication. if you don't want to sacrifice don't get married and definitely don't have kids. Service becomes part of your life when you have a family. NOT slavery but service. Same as you would do for a shelter or church or whatever. You give of yourself. Yes it is important to find time for yourself but it is also very important to put others first and finding the balance is also important. But let's have a little compassion especially when we are not IN the situation and talking about a third party who is NOT involved in the conversation. There are ALWAYS 2 sides to every situation. So lets have some compassion and be a little less judgmental. All I know is that I plan to have a successful marriage and sometimes that includes having a little undo grace in certain situations and especially when I am NOT perfect. I cannot expect anyone to forgive me of my own faults if I am not willing to give forgiveness in situations. If you don't want to have complications, don't get married, don't have kids, and live alone with a cat. I don't know it's quite ridiculous when you decide you can't have grace in the midst of situations.

TheLuSir

Talk to him. Don't paint him as the bad guy, that'll just make him ignore you. Ask him to watch the kids/house while you take a personal day. It's not impossible, if he is the man you married, he'll realize it's a give-and-take, not a take-take-take!

Good luck!

robinso5

Anyone else out there feel the same way? I have 2 boys; 5 (almost 6) and just 2. And a husband who is so completely selfish that I get no time for myself. I feel like I am doing all this on my own... All the housework, taking care of the boys, finding time to work from home, all the things that hubby should be able to do for himself but expects me to do it... like answering the door when he is right there and I am helping our 2 year-old eat...

I have a hard enough time trying to find time to work... which is usually 4-7 am, during my 2 year-olds nap and after the boys go to bed. When am I supposed to take time to exercise? He tells me to just do it, but then when I ask him to stay inside so I can, I get a deep sigh from him, then I hear him yelling at the boys. So, then I stop my workout to "rescue" the boys. I know he is doing it on purpose cuz he knows I'll stop but I don't feel that it is right for me to put my boys through that just so I can get 30 mins of time in for myself.

Anyone have any suggestions?

Thanks.

Cindy

Listen dear I know you are fustrated but keep doing what you are doing and do it with a smile on your face. Do what needs to be done for you and the kids and leave all else to fail. He will get a clue. dont let him deter youbecause that is what he wants you to do. You are the bigger person, be the better parent.

Lisa_222

My husband is like that too. I finally decided I didn't need his help or approval. I joined a place with child care and told him it either comes out of his paycheck or he is going to help me. He had no argument, but to pay for it, since he wasn't able (or willing) to help. Same with getting a housekeeper every week. They either do their share or dish out the cash to pay for it.

SmallerBecky

Quit rescuing them. If he's truly doing it only to get you to stop, tell him, you're not going to be stopping from now on and he needs to have patience with HIS children. He is not babysitting for you, he is spending time with the humans that he is responsible for, that will carry on the legacy of who he is. He's welcome to pass on whatever he wants during your time, but pass it on he will because you are exercising so that you will be around longer to support him and them and the two of you can pass on the best legacy possible.

THIS! It's a good, positive way to tell him what he needs to hear.

JennaM222

Talk to your Husband about it instead of MFP. :flowerforyou:

poesch77

Sounds like my life! I have a 6 yr old and a 1 yr old....I stay at home. I understand he works alot for us but asking him to "watch" our kids for 30 minutes so I can go on the treadmill is not a hard task! And I am so sick of hearing " I am tired cuz I worked all day and you get to relax".......can you ever RELAX with kids? I think not! I did not sign up for a one parent relationship....advice appreciated cuz he ain't listening to me! Now if I went and got a job again I would still have to do everything like before when I worked full time with one kid. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world!

mfiggs

I feel the same way. I only have one child, a 5 year old daughter, but my husband has never helped! He does not do anything with my daughter but play with her when it is convenient for him. I work full time and it is very hard to do that and be a mom and a wife! I am constantly cleaning up after both of them. I am teaching my daughter to clean up after herself and be neater, but my husband is 37 years old and should know better. I work, cook, clean, do laundry, do all the shopping, and do everything where my daughter is concerned! It is very hard when you do not have help! I have zero time for me, I do try to take 30 minutes a day for myself but sometimes it is only 10 min! I love my husband, I just wish he was more help to me! He is very selfish and jealous of all the time I give to our daughter, but she is a child and needs me to help her with homework (something he could do if he had the patience), bathe her, feed her, play with her. He would rather watch repeats of CSI than help me with things! Sorry, got a little carried away there with the venting. But, I totally understand feeling like a single parent!

cabaray

I was pretty much in the same boat as you, although my husband does help with housework. He has always been grouchy with the kids and it always seemed that he was doing me a favor when he watched them. He is the one that will lose out in the end. Our daughters are now 10 and 12 and we are very close. As far as their dad goes, they love him, but could care less if he goes anywhere with us or does things with us. He gets all sad and says the girls don't love him. I tell him you get what you give in life, you chose not to care when they were little, don't complain that they don't care now.