Married but feels like a single mom

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  • caitmcwill
    caitmcwill Posts: 102
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    i know the feeling. I am married and a single mom. Divorce will be final in 3 weeks. woot woot!
  • bjohs
    bjohs Posts: 1,225 Member
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    Anyone else out there feel the same way? I have 2 boys; 5 (almost 6) and just 2. And a husband who is so completely selfish that I get no time for myself. I feel like I am doing all this on my own... All the housework, taking care of the boys, finding time to work from home, all the things that hubby should be able to do for himself but expects me to do it... like answering the door when he is right there and I am helping our 2 year-old eat...

    I have a hard enough time trying to find time to work... which is usually 4-7 am, during my 2 year-olds nap and after the boys go to bed. When am I supposed to take time to exercise? He tells me to just do it, but then when I ask him to stay inside so I can, I get a deep sigh from him, then I hear him yelling at the boys. So, then I stop my workout to "rescue" the boys. I know he is doing it on purpose cuz he knows I'll stop but I don't feel that it is right for me to put my boys through that just so I can get 30 mins of time in for myself.

    Anyone have any suggestions?

    Thanks.

    Cindy

    Since he is selfish, cater to those selfish needs while getting what you want. Think of ways he can benefit from your workouts. Examples that come to mind:

    - If he gives you 30 minutes to work out without being interrupted, you will make his favorite meal.
    - If he allows you to work out peacefully and on schedule, for every 5 lbs you lose, he gets some "romance".

    Make it work to your advantage. It may not work for him, but it's worth a try... especially if you can work it in without him knowing you are changing him.

    Otherwise, you could find ways to make sure the boys are taken care of and supervised a different way. Once you have that figured out, your husband will quickly realize that you can do everything on your own and don't really need him for anything. That may scare him in to wanting to help out more. :)

    No matter what you come up with as an answer, I just want to wish you luck in your weight loss journey and with your relationship. Everyone deserves to be happy. :)
  • coyoteo
    coyoteo Posts: 532 Member
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    My only suggestion would be to have this conversation with your husband.
  • kittytrix
    kittytrix Posts: 557 Member
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    I had a very similar situation. My husband would spend hours on his computer playing World of Warcraft and thought just because he was working he had done his part.

    I begged and pleaded and finally I gave up and said, "Fine. I can do this myself. He can miss the milestones." That went on for almost a year and I would mention to him now and then that it had to come to an end.

    Finally, two months after my son was born, I was under so much stress at work, home and everywhere that I had a massive asthma attack and almost died.

    Funny thing, almost dying, it gets your partner's attention pretty quick.

    For two months I couldn't do anything. Nothing at all. He had to so it all and he realized how much pressure I was under and what he was missing. Baths with the kids, trips to the park, walking our oldest to school.

    When I was well enough he wanted to be a part of our family but I had gotten on so well without him that he didn't know what to do. .At that point he was willing to try and work and I had to make an effort to allow him back in as well.

    Now I don't suggest you go and nearly die, but what I will say to you is stop doing things for him that he can do himself but don't be malicious about it. Personally, I think many women, me included, will do more than is expected or needed in order to show our affection, but many men or partners unwittingly take advantage of it. I don't think my husband did it on purpose but when I don't allow or excpect any responsibilities then he won't take any on.

    Talk to him and if that doesn't work, try to show him how much pressure you are under but don't yell. When you yell no one gets heard. I've learned this. Unfortunately it took a three-day coma and two collapsed lungs for him to see how the stress affected me, but I hope it doesn't get that far for you. If all else fails you may have a hard decision to make. You have to always to remember that you are the blue prints for your children's future relationships. If they see mom doing everything and dad disengaged, it may set them up for unrealistic views of what a relaltionship should be.

    I'm glad to say that this year we celebrated our seventh aniversary. We still have our moments but I think we are laying down a great foundation for your children to build their relationships upon.

    I hope this helps.
  • fit4mom
    fit4mom Posts: 1,352 Member
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    My only suggestion would be to have this conversation with your husband.
    This is wonderful!
  • cramernh
    cramernh Posts: 3,335 Member
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    If you don't feel comfortable with the way he parents and feel you need to rescue your kids from their father, you have bigger problems than figuring out how to find time to work out....based on your post, I'd honestly question why you're married to this guy. He's selfish, doesn't seem to care about you enough to respect your time to work, work out, or respect his serious role as a father and role model....what does he do for you or your children? (minus a paycheck...all of you need and deserve more than that). I would hire a sitter and sit him down without distractions and have a really serious conversation with him about the future of your relationship and family. If he doesn't want to be part of the healthy, functioning family that you are working to create, then I'd say move ahead for yourself. He needs a wake up call and he better wake the *kitten* up or he's going to miss out.

    No man should ever think they can get away with being part of the reproductive process... I dont care how many hours he works, 50/50, no questions asked and no arguments about it. He needs to man up or get his *kitten* kicked to the curb.... Id like to see that husband of yours get up at the wee hours of the morning, change diapers, make the breakfasts, get the kids cleaned up, clothed, start the dishes, prepare the meals, do the laundry, clean the house, transport ALL of the kids to an from doctor's appointments, get up with them when they vomit, when they have nightmares, AND STILL BE EXPECTED to work a full damn schedule!

    My current husband never allowed that to happen - and was a great father to my daughter - someone he didnt have to have any responsibility for considering he was a step-parent.... he was more manly than my daughter's biological sperm-donor!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Shaz_74
    Shaz_74 Posts: 100 Member
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    Be patient. It won't be like this forever.
    Once your youngest starts school, you'll have a lot of time for yourself, I promise.
    Start training your boys from now to be helpful and independent. The 5yr old can keep his brother busy while you get in a quick workout. Buy them some 1 lb weights and they can exercise with you.

    Divorce should only be an option if you really despise your hubby ... and I suspect you don't. Every mother feels frustrated and overwhelmed when her kids are little.
  • Mom2Asa
    Mom2Asa Posts: 109
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    We are in a similar boat. My hubby is gone 2 weeks and then home 2 weeks. So 2 weeks a month I am solo 24/7 to take care of our 8mo old, run 2 businesses from home and keep house. What gets done gets done, period.

    When he is home it used to be an issue being just another extra on my plate till lately. We had a chat and I told him I did not care what did or did not get done as long as our son is fed, taken care of, healthy and happy and if he wanted more done he could get off his *kitten* the 2 weeks he is home and do it. The clothes are clean--they may be in a basket folded becuase that is as far as I got but if you want them put up---you have 2 arms and legs that work---same goes with dishes etc....it is done and done the best way I can do it without having a breakdown and I had to lay it out and spell it for my hubby----he did not get it---I would get so mad becuase I would think---really the trash is full and instead of take it out you shove more in until one day I had enough and asked him what gives.....he did not think about it and I thought it was obvious
    you just have to have a serious chat with him and I remind him or now ask him to do things I think he should just automatically do like take the trash out when it is full----I do EVERYTHING the 2 weeks he is gone---can I get a break from trash when he is home or what LOL.

    As far as working out goes----I workout during my son's first nap. When I am solo there are times I have to stop but when daddy is home he can spend time with his son. I still wait till first nap but if he wakes it is all my hubby. The first time or two I stopped becuase my hubby did not respond quick enough but now I put my headphones in and I don't stop, period!
  • fit4mom
    fit4mom Posts: 1,352 Member
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    Think of all the poor stay at home moms who have husbands away in the military or worse. So fining time vs having no one at all is better. Just know even though your not alone you are blessed to have someone in your life.
  • angee1126
    angee1126 Posts: 185 Member
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    Sounds like your husband is from "backwards outcast village" somewhere way way back in time like 1940's or something like that...... Ewwwwww. Run away far away with your boys....

    ^^^^
    Far, far away!!! I thought i was the only one thinking that...
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
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    you have to tell him what you want from him, and what the consequences are if he can't give you what you need and want.

    those kids are as much his as they are yours, and he needs to be willing to help you out with them.
  • MercenaryNoetic26
    MercenaryNoetic26 Posts: 2,747 Member
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    Do you ever speak up? I mean do you just do everything because you figure he won't and just to keep the peace? When I don't want to answer the door I disappear and that forces him to do it. LOL typically when it's HIS MOM! Don't be afraid to speak up. As long as you get the point across without nagging or whining, men listen. If they don't, go on strike. Show him what things are like when you don't do everything. Then tell him simply, if it bothers him so much why doesn't he do something about it...

    **edit** The part where he sighs... IGNORE it. That's whats tough about working out at home; distractions. He needs to know how much this means to you and he needs to respect that.
  • bjfmade
    bjfmade Posts: 543 Member
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    Quit rescuing them. If he's truly doing it only to get you to stop, tell him, you're not going to be stopping from now on and he needs to have patience with HIS children. He is not babysitting for you, he is spending time with the humans that he is responsible for, that will carry on the legacy of who he is. He's welcome to pass on whatever he wants during your time, but pass it on he will because you are exercising so that you will be around longer to support him and them and the two of you can pass on the best legacy possible.

    ^^^^^^^
    definitely this!
  • kyrstensmom
    kyrstensmom Posts: 297 Member
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    Think of all the poor stay at home moms who have husbands away in the military or worse. So fining time vs having no one at all is better. Just know even though your not alone you are blessed to have someone in your life.

    I totally disagree. Those men/women who are AWAY in the military aren't home and choosing not to help. This man is home and capable of helping, yet still makes the choice not to help, which makes it much worse. Blessed would be having a man who helps because he is part of the family and wants to contribute more than a paycheck.
  • Mom2Asa
    Mom2Asa Posts: 109
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    I totally disagree. Those men/women who are AWAY in the military aren't home and choosing not to help. This man is home and capable of helping, yet still makes the choice not to help, which makes it much worse. Blessed would be having a man who helps because he is part of the family and wants to contribute more than a paycheck.
    [/quote]



    Very good point!!
  • crca7118
    crca7118 Posts: 17
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    Hey I'm sorry you are going through this :( Obviously not knowing either of you I can only give an opinion - I being divorced myself after becoming skinny can say looking from the outside in. Sometimes men act like they want us to be skinny but their biggest fear is losing us when we get there. So sometimes you face more of a battle because they really don't want you to succeed because of their own fears. Don't let this hold you back - Just keeping getting in every bit of exercise you can. Take the kids out for the exercise too and just make it part of your lives. Getting a break from everything else is another story. Have any family members that can help?
  • juliapurpletoes
    juliapurpletoes Posts: 951 Member
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    If you love him (not just the idea of being a "family") then talk to him and perhaps seek relationshilp/marriage counseling with a very good counselor. (look for a great one..there are alot of bad ones out there...)

    If you are tired of this nonsense, and can see what the big picture truly is (and only you can know that), then divorce him. It will not be easy....but in time it will all be better. Kids will adjust and life will be "right" again.

    I wish you the best :)
  • Shaz_74
    Shaz_74 Posts: 100 Member
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    Think of all the poor stay at home moms who have husbands away in the military or worse. So fining time vs having no one at all is better. Just know even though your not alone you are blessed to have someone in your life.

    That's a great way of putting things in perspective. :flowerforyou:
  • ProudDaddy
    ProudDaddy Posts: 80 Member
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    Tell him to shape up or ship out.
  • DakotaKeogh
    DakotaKeogh Posts: 693 Member
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    Suggestions? Yeah. Sorry to be harsh, but kick him to the curb and marry a man, not a boy. That's absurd. He's a disgrace.

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