Married but feels like a single mom
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i'd make him a really good sammich. That usually fixes most problems0
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Anyone else out there feel the same way? I have 2 boys; 5 (almost 6) and just 2. And a husband who is so completely selfish that I get no time for myself. I feel like I am doing all this on my own... All the housework, taking care of the boys, finding time to work from home, all the things that hubby should be able to do for himself but expects me to do it... like answering the door when he is right there and I am helping our 2 year-old eat...
I have a hard enough time trying to find time to work... which is usually 4-7 am, during my 2 year-olds nap and after the boys go to bed. When am I supposed to take time to exercise? He tells me to just do it, but then when I ask him to stay inside so I can, I get a deep sigh from him, then I hear him yelling at the boys. So, then I stop my workout to "rescue" the boys. I know he is doing it on purpose cuz he knows I'll stop but I don't feel that it is right for me to put my boys through that just so I can get 30 mins of time in for myself.
Anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks.
Cindy
Not sure what to do, one thing I know is that if you don't do something about it the boys will grow up thinking this is acceptable for the man/husband to do.0 -
I felt the way you do for a long time. I work full time & so does my husband. I leave my daughter with the sitter late two days a week so that I can go to jazzercise. I also work out before she gets up & before I go to work in the am (usually 4:30 am). The hardest part is getting out of bed for that, especially in the winter. My daughter is 4. we go on lots of walks & bike rides together. We also swim. I just did the 30 day shred dvd while she was playing with her baby doll. Best of luck - I understand feeling like you have no time & energy to get done the things you need around the house let alone take time to excercise. Sometimes I let things at home go so that I can get my excercise in - ie let the laundry build up or the living room get dusty. If it bothers him too much maybe he will raise a hand to help. (my husband does not get bothered enough to help - but if he has the nerve to complain I tell him to feel free to do the laundry himself:)0
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A caveat before I launch off: I admit that I can be hypersensitive to this issue. A lot of people respond with the comment "ask for help." Am I the only one who gets ruffled up over this? In my mind asking for help lets the recipient of that request assume automatically that this is "your" job instead of something both of you are equally responsible for. "Asking for help" to care for the child you both are raising and the home you both live in is like asking your husband to "babysit" his own children. He's a PARENT. He is also a co-habitant of a home. He is de facto involved. These are de facto his responsibilities as well. Just because I gave birth does not mean that I am the only one who is automatically and inarguably responsible for all the parenting and household tasks that must be done. I expect that my husband will see what needs to be done and get it done without prompting, too. He's not "helping out". This is his child. This is his home. He is no less a parent or a homeowner than I am.0
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You are not alone ... it takes two to tango. It sounds like you have fully participated as an enabler and suddenly you want to change the rules of the game.
As unfair as the ground rules have been it sounds like you helped establsh these patterns.
- Have you had a conversation about this and reached some consensus on new rules? Perhaps write them down and post them on the fridge door.
- Have you tried exercising outside of “ear shot” so you can’t hear him yelling at the boys … try going for a walk.
Change is often difficult for everyone.0 -
I know you got a lot of posts here to read through, and I didn't read all of them so I don't know what anyone else has told you, but I wanted to offer you some of my experience. I was in a marriage like that too, and even though we are divorced now, it's still like that. I have been really trying to work on this issue for YEARS and it's been slow coming, but I have made progress. Basically what it boils down to is enabling him and giving so much of yourself to everyone else that you are not taking care of yourself, which is wrong. I know that doesn't sound right, well it didn't to me anyway when I heard it. You have to take care of yourself, your needs and wants before you can TRULY give to anyone else. Here's an analogy that I hear a lot that helps this make sense: When you are on an airplane and the fight attendant is giving demonstrations they say in case of an emergency the oxygen masks will come down and you are to put yours on yourself before you help anyone else, do you know why? Because you can't help anyone if your dead. What do you think is the worse thing that would happen if you didn't rescue your husband from having to deal with his own children? I thought there was no way my husband could do anything without me and my kids would just die! But they actually do alright together, and it made it so much easier on me when I just let it be. Still need that reminder though, so thank you! Sorry for the novel! If you want to friend me feel free!0
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WOW! I love this! So true.You are not alone ... it takes two to tango. It sounds like you have fully participated as an enabler and suddenly you want to change the rules of the game.
As unfair as the ground rules have been it sounds like you helped establsh these patterns.
- Have you had a conversation about this and reached some consensus on new rules? Perhaps write them down and post them on the fridge door.
- Have you tried exercising outside of “ear shot” so you can’t hear him yelling at the boys … try going for a walk.
Change is often difficult for everyone.0 -
I have had the same problem for years. My children are mostly grown (youngest is almost 18 and chose to live with his sister who is 22) though so now we only have the dog, house, bills and shopping to take care of on a daily basis. I do all the fix it stuff as well. I am in the air force reserves. And i go away for 1-3 weeks every year and a weekend every month. And sometimes deploy for longer periods out of the country. I find that when the kids were home and i had to go away he became real helpful for 1-2 weeks after i got back then it went back to i do everything. Now that the kids are no longer at home he becomes extra helpful for 1-2 weeks but now he always takes out the trash, he does all the dishes, he cooks most of the time, goes shopping with me, and splits the care of the dog. But i had to show him what my life was like by not being there to do everything for him. Talk to him. If that doesn't work show him. If that doesn't work, I'm sorry. I would also say that if you have to get a sitter or take the children with you to a gym or find an exercise they can do with you do it while he is home so he see's it, he might get a clue and ask to join in. Good luck and keep your head up.0
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I will repeat what many others have said. First, if you are worried for your boys' safety, then get out! If not, read on.
Talk to him. (Using "I" statements). Let him know where you stand. Don't make empty threats. Do not say anything that you are not willing to follow through with. Actively listen to what he has to say (if he says anything). Maybe you can get to the root of what is really going on.
If he is not responsive or willing to help you can:
Get a sitter during the day a couple days a week, even if it's just a few hours to allow you to work. If he complains about the cost remind him that if you worked outside of the home, you would need a sitter all the time.
Kill him with kindness. Treat him the way you want to be treated no matter how much of a jerk he is. Do not let him desrespect you, but talk to him the way you want to be talked to. If he says something disrespectful, call him out on it. Keep your dignity intact. Do not let him manipulate you or make you feel guilty for wanting to take care of yourself.
When your husband gets home from work, give him 30 minutes to decompress. Let the kids give him their loves and take them to another room. After the 30 minutes are up he needs to be a part of the family.
If the door bell rings and he is sitting in his Lazy Boy, ask him to get the door. If you are not expecting anyone and he doesn't answer, then just let it go. It's probably the Girl Scouts selling cookies anyway. You just saved yourself from temptation.
You are supposed to be equal partners in your marriage. Do not allow him to treat you as anything less than his partner. You are a team. If he is not going to be a team player, well.........
Can you afford a gym membership? Get out of the house for your work outs. Run/walk outside when you can. Find your "me" time. Find activities for you and your boys to get out of the house. Also, take an occasional girls' night out with your married friends. Build a strong network of girlfriends.
Remember that you are a treasure. You are a princess. You are worth investing time in yourself. For you and your sons. Do not let your husband make you feel or think that you are not. Be confident in who you are, respect yourself, and do not allow others to disrespect you.
I hope you will be able to work this out with him. I wish you the best. God bless you!0 -
I feel the same way many days!! If you can find a workout that enables you to leave the house, requiring him to deal with the kids and know that he will not be rescued. I have been working on me for going on 2 years now, and find it hard to make him do things to help. I just keep trying. I think that most of us were raised in houses where our mothers did everything, witch not only makes you feel like you need to do it too, but remember that he grew up in the same type of household and saw his own mother taking care of everything. We need to break the chain, start with little steps. Also teach your boys that they need to be responsible for helping out.0
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Anyone else out there feel the same way? I have 2 boys; 5 (almost 6) and just 2. And a husband who is so completely selfish that I get no time for myself. I feel like I am doing all this on my own... All the housework, taking care of the boys, finding time to work from home, all the things that hubby should be able to do for himself but expects me to do it... like answering the door when he is right there and I am helping our 2 year-old eat...
I have a hard enough time trying to find time to work... which is usually 4-7 am, during my 2 year-olds nap and after the boys go to bed. When am I supposed to take time to exercise? He tells me to just do it, but then when I ask him to stay inside so I can, I get a deep sigh from him, then I hear him yelling at the boys. So, then I stop my workout to "rescue" the boys. I know he is doing it on purpose cuz he knows I'll stop but I don't feel that it is right for me to put my boys through that just so I can get 30 mins of time in for myself.
Anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks.
Cindy
I think you already know what to do. You need a kick in the butt to get it right, then you've come to the right place.
You have to stop enabling.
The more you run yourself down, or the more you allow it to happen, the less quality there will be in the care you will tender to your family. You need to do a couple of things .. Starting with standing up for yourself. Stop allowing it to happen to you.
He obviously doesn't realize just how much of a toll this is taking on you physically and psychologically. He doesn't need another "MOTHER" ! You need to 'educate' him on what it means to be a "partner".
Not by yelling and screaming .. and 'b!tching" .. THAT never works. You have to do it without interruption. When you are able to have a serious conversation calmly but firmly. Explain, why THIS is just not working...especially when his behaviour involves taking his resentment out on your children. THAT is unacceptable and inexcusable.
Good Luck!0 -
Coming from someone that has had an eerily similiar situation - Call him out on his ****! Tell him you KNOW what he is doing and you aren't going to put up with him treating HIS children badly bc he doesnt want you to work out, have time for yourself etc.! If you don't nip it in the bud now it will only get worse.
I went thru 5 years of pretty much being a single parent and when my father passed away I thought, life is too short for this crap and I'm not going to put up with it. Thing is after we talked I realized I hadnt really brought it up before so he knew he could get away with doing as little as possible bc I wouldnt say anything. 6 years later he helps me with both our kids, does things around the house, etc.and we are as happy as we have ever been!
Oh, and using the "sex" card works wonders! HA! :laugh:0 -
I definately know how you feel. My husband does nothing at home because he "works full time". Duh, I work full time (40 hrs) and part time (25 hours) with an hour ride to work and then again back home. I still have to do all of the housework, laundry, yardwork, home maintenance, etc... It is so frustrating. I did call him out on this and he said it's "not his job". We have talked about this till I am blue in the face. I even went on strike, but it took me forever to clean up everything after that 6-week period! It didn't bother him in the least. It is so discouraging to leave the house at 7:30 am and walk back in the door at 11:30 pm to find the dishes aren't done, the floor isn't swept, the living room isn't vacuumed (there are two golden retrievers in the house). Every light in the house will be on and the TV will still be on. He just gets up to go to bed and doesn't shut it off. There is no time for exercise or a hobby or to even watch tv. It's work from sun up to sun down.
When he watches our two grand daughters (22 mo and 3 yrs) for four hours, he will tell me "you don't know how hard it is to watch them".
My response...."We had four kids in the first four years we were married. I was a stay at home mom and took care of everything while watching them and taking care of them."
His response: "That was different."
His mom isn't much help as she will reinforce him by saying that everything at home is the women's job. Mind you her hubby did everything for her. She didn't even clear the table by herself.
Some men are a lost cause. :explode:0 -
First off, for those of you that actually showed some empathy, thanks. For those of you that were condescending, I really didn't need that. I spend the entire day today rearranging the basement so that the boys can play down there while I use the treadmill. It's not a finished basement at all so it is still not the ideal choice for me. I can't afford a gym membership. I have talked to him... several times. We've done counseling but after 3 or 4 times he refuses to go anymore because the $20 copay is too much. It takes away from his gas money for the bike or for him to go for his all day Saturday rides or those after work rides til after dark. He is trying to get in shape himself and tells me that I need to as well, but doesn't give me the time. I can't work before the kids get up because that is when I work. I work from home. I work during naps and after the boys go to bed, which is what I should be doing now rather than being on here. Not 5 minutes ago he was on his phone, still is, ignoring our youngest having a temper tantrum in bed. I had to quickly finish the report that I was in and go take care of him.. he had a messy diaper. So even as I work, he doesn't help. I don't want a divorce... I love him. I guess I was just venting. I don't want my boys to treat their wife the way their dad treats me. But I also don't want them to think that they can take the easy way out if things aren't going their way. I honestly feel that he is afraid that if I lose weight I'll leave him. But I was 130# when I met him... that is my goal weight. I've told him that I don't have any desire to find someone else. I don't have the time for that. Plus, how am I to do that when I don't to go out without him? LOL0
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From a male point of view, he doesn't seem interested in being married or a dad. I would do anything for my wife and child.First off, for those of you that actually showed some empathy, thanks. For those of you that were condescending, I really didn't need that. I spend the entire day today rearranging the basement so that the boys can play down there while I use the treadmill. It's not a finished basement at all so it is still not the ideal choice for me. I can't afford a gym membership. I have talked to him... several times. We've done counseling but after 3 or 4 times he refuses to go anymore because the $20 copay is too much. It takes away from his gas money for the bike or for him to go for his all day Saturday rides or those after work rides til after dark. He is trying to get in shape himself and tells me that I need to as well, but doesn't give me the time. I can't work before the kids get up because that is when I work. I work from home. I work during naps and after the boys go to bed, which is what I should be doing now rather than being on here. Not 5 minutes ago he was on his phone, still is, ignoring our youngest having a temper tantrum in bed. I had to quickly finish the report that I was in and go take care of him.. he had a messy diaper. So even as I work, he doesn't help. I don't want a divorce... I love him. I guess I was just venting. I don't want my boys to treat their wife the way their dad treats me. But I also don't want them to think that they can take the easy way out if things aren't going their way. I honestly feel that he is afraid that if I lose weight I'll leave him. But I was 130# when I met him... that is my goal weight. I've told him that I don't have any desire to find someone else. I don't have the time for that. Plus, how am I to do that when I don't to go out without him? LOL
I do ALL the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, yardwork, fix up work around the house, some of the homework (my wife likes doing this and it's HER time with our daughter) and still work 15-20 part time and can still play my video games, watch football, and anything else I like to do.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE. If he's giving it to you, then I personally believe that he doesn't sound like he wants to be in the marriage anymore. It's just an observation I see in your posts.
A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
First off, for those of you that actually showed some empathy, thanks. For those of you that were condescending, I really didn't need that. I spend the entire day today rearranging the basement so that the boys can play down there while I use the treadmill. It's not a finished basement at all so it is still not the ideal choice for me. I can't afford a gym membership. I have talked to him... several times. We've done counseling but after 3 or 4 times he refuses to go anymore because the $20 copay is too much. It takes away from his gas money for the bike or for him to go for his all day Saturday rides or those after work rides til after dark. He is trying to get in shape himself and tells me that I need to as well, but doesn't give me the time. I can't work before the kids get up because that is when I work. I work from home. I work during naps and after the boys go to bed, which is what I should be doing now rather than being on here. Not 5 minutes ago he was on his phone, still is, ignoring our youngest having a temper tantrum in bed. I had to quickly finish the report that I was in and go take care of him.. he had a messy diaper. So even as I work, he doesn't help. I don't want a divorce... I love him. I guess I was just venting. I don't want my boys to treat their wife the way their dad treats me. But I also don't want them to think that they can take the easy way out if things aren't going their way. I honestly feel that he is afraid that if I lose weight I'll leave him. But I was 130# when I met him... that is my goal weight. I've told him that I don't have any desire to find someone else. I don't have the time for that. Plus, how am I to do that when I don't to go out without him? LOL
Honestly? This makes him sound even worse than you first presented him as. He won't go to counseling because he wants to spend the money on a hobby instead?
If he cannot change, then you have to change, whether it be giving up your expectations of him (this shouldn't be your choice in my opinion) or starting to consider a separation. Being in a marriage and being a parent is a joint responsibility you both should share, and doing that is showing your children how to be a good parent and spouse. He appears to not be the best role model.
I will leave you with this saying I just recently read:
Don't marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son exactly like him.0 -
From my experience and I have one the same way and after 20 years of suffering I'm filing for Divorce... wish I would have done it years ago... You can't change them, so it will never change!0
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LEAVE HIM!!!
Can't quite believe the responses of 'if you can work out he gets his favourite meal' - he is nothing short of a w^*%er!!!0 -
I think every mom feels like this at some point.... you can't change him, only the way you react. Maybe try to find ways to work out that doesn't involve depending on him to "watch" the kids. Try taking your kids to the playground, make it a workout for yourself! do some pull ups on the playstructure, push up, sit ups, step ups on the benches, race the kids around, or let them play on the playground while you work out nearby.
I joined a gym with a child minding centre. If that's an option for you, check it out.
Good luck! you can do it! Don't let ANYONE sabotage you!!!
THIS0 -
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Since he is selfish, cater to those selfish needs while getting what you want. Think of ways he can benefit from your workouts. Examples that come to mind:
- If he gives you 30 minutes to work out without being interrupted, you will make his favorite meal.
- If he allows you to work out peacefully and on schedule, for every 5 lbs you lose, he gets some "romance".
Make it work to your advantage. It may not work for him, but it's worth a try... especially if you can work it in without him knowing you are changing him.
Otherwise, you could find ways to make sure the boys are taken care of and supervised a different way. Once you have that figured out, your husband will quickly realize that you can do everything on your own and don't really need him for anything. That may scare him in to wanting to help out more.
No matter what you come up with as an answer, I just want to wish you luck in your weight loss journey and with your relationship. Everyone deserves to be happy.
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i love it...every 5lb lost he gets "romance" ...in that case my DH wouldnt be gettin very much..althought by his actions he is actin like a child but ya cant treat him like one..rewarding his lazy behaviour! the woman wants time for herself and BTW did i write this my boys are the same age and i'm in same situation..wish isnt nice..(but im an enabler i kno)
the only way i found ways to exercise is1. waiting to my 5yo goes to school to go a walk wit little one in pram..2.put extra strenght into cleaning 3. puttin some music on wit little one to entertain and dancing around mad lol..4.waitin to the kids go bed even if it means half hour earlier for them for a little zumba dance on wii...thats really it..but its hard everything considered..i work P/T too...depending on how much you want/need to...its a case of put up and shut up..or get rid of him..tut. i love my OH very much but how much can one woman do on her own?? lets keep being mugged off. cant change the mould. obsviously we want to and wont stop trying..but what do we need..what are we waitin on him to leave us?
with kids its easier to put up and shut up..but the only person who can change things is you..goodluck.x0
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