I feel shallow for this question but....

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  • atleast20
    atleast20 Posts: 29 Member
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    Ever seen the skit on Saturday night about red flags? These are red flags for you . Regardless love ultimately becomes a choice. Exactly what are you choosing for YOU?. I would say carry on with your plans.Keep him as a friend. Do not get side tracked. Good Luck in making your choice:smile:
  • Captain_Mal
    Captain_Mal Posts: 945 Member
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    I'll just say this. There's a lot more to life than money.

    My husband was a broke joke when I met him but you know what, so was I. I was working at a sub shop, crappy hours, and even crappier pay. I had no idea what I wanted from life, neither did he. Here we are 12 years later, he has a fantastic job, we are happy. We've been through it all together. I say don't let his lack of financial stability or his Mom situation corrupt something that could turn out to be awesome.
  • thelovelyLIZ
    thelovelyLIZ Posts: 1,227 Member
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    If me and the guy I'm talking to don't have the same life goals, I generally try not to get involved. My boyfriend of three years is from Oklahoma. If he had wanted to live in Oklahoma his whole life, I just don't think it would have worked out for us. There's very little work in my industry in Oklahoma, so it just wouldn't have worked because one of us would have had to compromise in a way that would have made them unhappy. If he didn't want kids or never wanted to marry, I probably would have called it off before now too.

    I just don't see the point in dating someone if I know it's not going to last in the long term. Saves everyone a lot of heartache in my opinion.
  • sarahlucydaynes26
    sarahlucydaynes26 Posts: 263
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    Hi from the UK :)
    I was in a rship for 8 years with a man?? ( I put ?? as all he was was a layabout dog! ) and I thought at the time he was the best thing since chocolate! He looked after me because of my epilepsy ( in the beginning ) he started a job which he liked etc and things were ` ok ` ... and then I started a job up the NHS working my *kitten* off sometimes 60hrs a week Mon - Fri and he spent his £££ and used mine, I NEVER wanted him to ` better himself ` or push him to leave his mums at the age of ` 30 ` yet I did want US to go places ( the occasional meal once a month would of been nice ) HOWEVER as he told me that I would never be with anyone because of my epilepsy and health I ` stuck with him ` thinking maybe he`s right.. so for 8 years I had mental torture from him and now MY GOSH I regret it all!!! So if you are asking these questions now and you are not 100% then perhaps do what you are going to do, go how you have been going and then you will come together if it is supposed to be.. I am 27 and I am far too young to settle.. I will give it another 3 years ( ish ) but thats my own opinion... Do what makes you happy... but remember you are only on this earth once.. xx :flowerforyou:
  • silverfox678
    silverfox678 Posts: 84 Member
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    Just do what is best for u... As he should do whats best for him.
  • puggleperson
    puggleperson Posts: 740 Member
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    I suspect you know the answer to this and are hoping someone will tell you different or just "follow your heart and it will work".
    Sadly that is probably not the case and unless he is willing to do the things needed to make a life long relationship work it will be likely nothing but heart ache for you.

    Sorry. :flowerforyou:

    this again ;/
  • iceqieen
    iceqieen Posts: 897 Member
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    I married a man the 2nd time around that made less than half of what the first made. BEST decison I have made in my life. I still make more than he does but he has taken some courses and improved his salary in the meantime. He will likely never make as much as I do . . . but I don't care . . . and neither does he.
    We just celebrated 15 years together a few days ago and I have never been happier in my life.

    Yes, love is not everything but neither is money. When you meet the person that your heart craves nothing will hold you back.

    I agree with this advice. He gets a bonus point for taking care of his mother. yes its a "baggage" but it also shows him to be a Good Guy.

    As to a crappy job. Allot can happen between now and when you plan to move away. Maybe you will inspire him to rethink his carreer. Even if not, the time you spend together and being able to live off your income is more important than making lots of money.


    PS I strongly dissagree with people who say "if this was really love you wouldnt be worried about this, so this just means you dont love him". Not everyone is a Disney character! Some of us do have brains, even when we are in love.
  • CoraGregoryCPA
    CoraGregoryCPA Posts: 1,087 Member
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    Doesnt sound like he is the one for you, unless you are willing to change for him. But if you are considering changing your future plans for him, then who is to say that he wont do the same for you? Although if you are willing to change but he isn't then he doesnt truly care about you-sorry. Wow, that was confusing!
  • CiciPorcayo
    CiciPorcayo Posts: 381 Member
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    maybe he just hasn't found the right woman to make him want to better himself. Maybe you could be that inspiration and motivation to him. I don't think you should base the fact his mother lives with him and he has a crappy job as a reason to not fall in love... My husband and I have been together 6 years... We both got married very young me 17 and him almost 19... He has always been the one to work hard bust his butt since the day he turned 18... And then something changed for us, as far as him being able to work etc.. political crap... anyways point being he lost his job and now is unable to work... Various reasons! and that is devistating to him. a man who for the last 6 years has woke up every day 6am and gone to work until sunset.. provided. Now I am the one working full time and not for a second would I question our love based on his employment ever!! Just think about it hard...
  • jilliebk
    jilliebk Posts: 252 Member
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    :sad: :flowerforyou: Basically he is showing u his true self... Ask your self this simple question. is he for right now, or can I see myself with him 10 yrs fromnow. laughing and holding hands, and finishing each other sentences, its not enough. Good luck!
  • firesoforion
    firesoforion Posts: 1,017 Member
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    If a person is falling for another person and it feels like the friendship could possibly turn into more but you feel like the person you're falling for has nothing to offer, how do you handle that?

    He's sweet, loving, attractive and all of the above. Takes care of his mom. She lives with him. He's only 28 and I'm 25. Has a crappy job without the intent of changing that and doesn't make very good money at all but he is happy in that situation.

    I am beginning to love him. I know he likes me. I'm scared of falling for somoene that his Mom lives with him and doesn't care about making decent money to take care of self or girlfriend/wife one day.

    I have goals and plans. I want to move out of town in a couple years and buy a condo and go to cosmetology school. How am I suppose to be with someone that is content sitting at home all of the time and not bettering himself financially, especially in this world today.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is we have different goals in life but we like each other. How do you handle that or do you??

    The mom thing is a good thing, it speaks well of his character, shows he's a caring, compassionate person who will do what it takes to take care of his family in the long run, not negative at all, pure positive.

    The not caring about making decent money is a bit of a problem, however. And this, you'd just have to talk to him about. If it works, that's great, if it doesn't, he wasn't the one. He seems like a good guy who is just lacking in ambition. That can be fixed by having a different motivation (ie the idea of taking care of a family) rather than just seeing it as taking care of himself and being happy.
  • kerriBB37
    kerriBB37 Posts: 967 Member
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    Let me just share my current situation and hopefully it will help you see that there might be a happy ending! :)

    I met my fiance a bit over 2 years ago. When we met, I was very established. Condo, Masters degree, great paying job.. He told me straight up that he didn't mind working dead-end jobs his whole life. I was very taken-aback, that is totally not something *I* could live with. I strive for greatness. His job at the time was a security officer at a credit union. Poor pay and boring. He ended up quitting after a few months and was without a job for about 6 months when he got another job being security again. He hated it but was content because it paid the bills. I never paid for much for him, maybe dinner here and there but that's it. I never felt like I was taking care of him. It was his life. Who was I to tell him what to do. He is the most amazing, sweet, caring, helpful to others, funny guy I know. He proposed in April and we are getting married next year. A few months ago he decided to make a change for himself, for us. He has decided to follow his passion and has been an apprentice for 4 months now. He will be working and in school for the next 4 years. He is 31 right now. He said that I inspired him to do better and to provide for a family. He never had that desire before.

    SO, my thought is, if you care for him and he cares for you, and you have a great time together, who's to say that he won't one day wake up and *want* more for himself. Maybe he will move out and get a better job. Some guys need a woman to bring that out of them! :D
  • LaurenAOK
    LaurenAOK Posts: 2,475 Member
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    To all the people saying "There's more to life than money" and "material things shouldn't matter with love", I don't think that's what she's concerned about. What I got from her post was that it's more about the fact that he's content where he is, working a less-than great job and taking care of his mom. And there's nothing wrong with that, but she has goals and ambitions and is looking to continue moving forward in life, wheras he's content keeping things the way they are. Basically, they have different plans for life; that would be a problem for any potential relationship. It's not about the money.
  • fionat29
    fionat29 Posts: 717 Member
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    If he lives with his mum DON'T Do IT!! I did it, and much as I love my husband dearly, his mum is a totally controlling entity, who we have to plan our lives around. It's not about the money, we have very little, but we could be happy with that, it's all about who you have to live with too, and how long you'll have to live with her.
  • MaraDiaz
    MaraDiaz Posts: 4,604 Member
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    Well hmm. He's a genuinely nice guy but doesn't make much money but is happy doing what he is doing, perhaps he loves doing what he's doing. His mom lives with him so he can take care of her, not he living with his mom to be supported.

    You should just forget him and find someone who is miserable doing what they are doing, making a lot of money, and puts their mom in a home to take care of her :flowerforyou:

    Hate to say it, because I think it's a bad idea to be with someone you may come to resent for his choices, but this is a valid point, too!
  • kk0223
    kk0223 Posts: 179
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    I married a man the 2nd time around that made less than half of what the first made. BEST decison I have made in my life. I still make more than he does but he has taken some courses and improved his salary in the meantime. He will likely never make as much as I do . . . but I don't care . . . and neither does he.
    We just celebrated 15 years together a few days ago and I have never been happier in my life.

    Yes, love is not everything but neither is money. When you meet the person that your heart craves nothing will hold you back.

    I agree with this advice. He gets a bonus point for taking care of his mother. yes its a "baggage" but it also shows him to be a Good Guy.

    As to a crappy job. Allot can happen between now and when you plan to move away. Maybe you will inspire him to rethink his carreer. Even if not, the time you spend together and being able to live off your income is more important than making lots of money.


    PS I strongly dissagree with people who say "if this was really love you wouldnt be worried about this, so this just means you dont love him". Not everyone is a Disney character! Some of us do have brains, even when we are in love.

    Thank you.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
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    If you have certain standards or qualities you want in a mate, you should be with the one that has all those qualities and standards, not the one with the most.

    Don't settle.
  • foremant86
    foremant86 Posts: 1,115 Member
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    That's not shallow, that's realistic.

    Money shouldn't matter but nobody wants to be stuck with a dead beat who's only going to drag them down.

    BUT, what exactly is a "crappy job"

    I mean is he flipping burgers at mcdonald's or does he have a job he actually enjoys but maybe doesn't pay very much?

    'cause those are two very different things.

    depends on the person though....some people are materialistic and some aren't...if you are then i guess it would matter how much he makes...?
  • kk0223
    kk0223 Posts: 179
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    Well, he talks about wanting a different job cause he doesn't make much money but his job is easy.

    Anyways, update. We talked the other night and in all reality, it'll never happen between us. He is too happy alone right now to be with someone. So, I'm not sticking around to get hurt in the long run.

    Gotta protect number one.
  • lizzue
    lizzue Posts: 276 Member
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    I got with my other half thinking opposites attract... and it was great and I really love him to bits but we are nearly three years in and if I am honest cracks are beginning to show.
    We dont share a common interest so we do so much separately he wants to excel in his sailing, where as I want to excel and work..... So I work long hours work days and he spends all his weekends on a lake.

    It gets hard so please make sure its what you want. If you are willing to compromise then go for it, if not then you may need to rethink xxx

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