Daughter's boyfriend, should I talk?
I would need your advice.
My daughter's been going out with a boy for a bit more than a year now (my daughter will be 16 on January 1st, and his boyfriend's 17 year's old).
He's not malicious. Immature - yes, in a way. He grew up without his mother (she left with her 2 daughters when he was around 6 years old), so he was left with his dad, who, in return was never there. Actually he was left alone at home, and had to cook food for himself even at a young age because his father was never there. Really, never there. 4 years ago, he's father started to go out with a women. A year after, they decided to move together. He then told he son to find himself a place to stay, 'cause he was gonna go live with her girlfriend... alone. He was 14 years old. He moved to her grandmother's house. He had to work to pay for school 'cause daddy didn't want to pay. That's the kind of life he got. He doesn't have a lot of friends. I think he doesn't want to get hurt again. About 6 months ago, when he got his driver licences, he told his grandmother that he wanted to buy himself a car, she kicked him out of the house, telling him that she'll be way to nervous, knowing he could have an accident. He's actually renting a room near school. It's almost a miracle that he's still straight. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't take drugs.
My daughter is a very outgoing person, she has a lot of friends, plays rugby, volleyball, touch football, does horseback riding, always on the move. The only thing her boyfriend does is lifting weights once in a while at the gym. When they're together, they do NOTHING. I mean, she goes at his place, and that's it. They never go the movies, they never go to some friend's place, never do nothing else, but staying at his place. When she wants to go the movie, he says yes, he comes and pick her up, then changes his mind, go to the video store, and ended up at his place. He doesn't want her to be around nobody. That's how I see it. And he's all around her. She can't do one step in the house, he'll stood up, go right after her. This is getting very annoying. Last night he was here, and was a bit disrespectful on his way of making comments about different Christmas decorations in the house. My daughter is brilliant. She's at the top of every class she's in. I don't really want to interfere, but I really have the sensation that he 'controls' her in a way. I already had a conversation with her, saying that it wasn't a "healthy" relationship when all two people do is staying at one's place, not doing anything, without seeing anybody when they are together. I raised my children alone. I left their father when my son was 2 years old, and my daughter was 11 months. Daddy never cared for his daughter, only his son. My boyfriend, we've been together for 7 years now, has been more of a father for her than her actual dad, but still. She's very sensitive, she tells me everything, I don't want to say what I think of him, and ended up her turning her back on me. Then there's gonna be real trouble I think.
What would you do?
(English not being my primary language, sorry for the spelling mistakes in there :blushing: )
My daughter's been going out with a boy for a bit more than a year now (my daughter will be 16 on January 1st, and his boyfriend's 17 year's old).
He's not malicious. Immature - yes, in a way. He grew up without his mother (she left with her 2 daughters when he was around 6 years old), so he was left with his dad, who, in return was never there. Actually he was left alone at home, and had to cook food for himself even at a young age because his father was never there. Really, never there. 4 years ago, he's father started to go out with a women. A year after, they decided to move together. He then told he son to find himself a place to stay, 'cause he was gonna go live with her girlfriend... alone. He was 14 years old. He moved to her grandmother's house. He had to work to pay for school 'cause daddy didn't want to pay. That's the kind of life he got. He doesn't have a lot of friends. I think he doesn't want to get hurt again. About 6 months ago, when he got his driver licences, he told his grandmother that he wanted to buy himself a car, she kicked him out of the house, telling him that she'll be way to nervous, knowing he could have an accident. He's actually renting a room near school. It's almost a miracle that he's still straight. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't take drugs.
My daughter is a very outgoing person, she has a lot of friends, plays rugby, volleyball, touch football, does horseback riding, always on the move. The only thing her boyfriend does is lifting weights once in a while at the gym. When they're together, they do NOTHING. I mean, she goes at his place, and that's it. They never go the movies, they never go to some friend's place, never do nothing else, but staying at his place. When she wants to go the movie, he says yes, he comes and pick her up, then changes his mind, go to the video store, and ended up at his place. He doesn't want her to be around nobody. That's how I see it. And he's all around her. She can't do one step in the house, he'll stood up, go right after her. This is getting very annoying. Last night he was here, and was a bit disrespectful on his way of making comments about different Christmas decorations in the house. My daughter is brilliant. She's at the top of every class she's in. I don't really want to interfere, but I really have the sensation that he 'controls' her in a way. I already had a conversation with her, saying that it wasn't a "healthy" relationship when all two people do is staying at one's place, not doing anything, without seeing anybody when they are together. I raised my children alone. I left their father when my son was 2 years old, and my daughter was 11 months. Daddy never cared for his daughter, only his son. My boyfriend, we've been together for 7 years now, has been more of a father for her than her actual dad, but still. She's very sensitive, she tells me everything, I don't want to say what I think of him, and ended up her turning her back on me. Then there's gonna be real trouble I think.
What would you do?
(English not being my primary language, sorry for the spelling mistakes in there :blushing: )
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Replies
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bump0
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You have to play in cool, anything else would be pushing your daughter into his arms.0
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What did she say when you brought up the fact that you felt it wasn't a healthy relationship? Was she upset by that?0
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Let her decide if this is okay for her or not. He doesn't sound like a bad kid.0
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I wish I had advice for you. It sounds like you raised a beautiful daughter. Try to make sure she stays active at school. You might want to talk to a school counselor, her doctor or another professional involved in your lives to figure out the best approach.0
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It doesn't sound like he's doing her any harm. I'm impressed he takes care of himself so well for having a life like that, and he probably doesn't have very good social skills having to take care of himself at such a young age. Maybe your daughter is good for him IF he doesn't take her away from her activities an her school work. Maybe she likes the down time away from being busy, and he probably appreciates the social interaction with someone who actually supports him for once. I think the only thing I'd be concerned about is unprotected sex. Otherwise it doesn't sound terrible.0
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I would keep talking to her, telling her why you're concerned, and try to do things with her that show her how much you care. But you have to do it carefully or she will just resist everything you say and go against it.0
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You should definitely talk to your daughter and express your concerns. You should also sit down and talk to him. He seems like a pretty reasonable kid for everything he has been through. He may not realize what he is doing. He probably has a fear of abandonment and that is why he follows her around. If he is as good of a kid as you think he is and he cares about your daughter, then he will be genuinely interested in your concerns. Best of luck to you! I hope it turns out well. I empathize with you, your daughter, and her boyfriend so I really hope that this is easily resolved with an open, honest conversation.0
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No she wasn't upset. Actually, she also saw that, and she told me that, whatever ideas she brought, his answers were that he was tired, his knees were hurting him, he didn't feel like it...What did she say when you brought up the fact that you felt it wasn't a healthy relationship? Was she upset by that?0 -
He may have abandonment issues, because of the life he had as a young teenager. Give it some time, as long as he doesn't tell her that she can't see her friends, talk to male friends, ect, I don't see where the problem is.
He may also just be the type of person who likes to stay home and relax with friends/his girlfriend, or he may not have enough money to pay for your daughters movie or dinner and feels inadequate, so instead of telling her that he suggests they just stay home.
Just be a part of her life and if you notice any warning signs of an abusive relationship, maybe have a chat with her.0 -
I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.
It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.
I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.
Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*0 -
I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.
It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.
I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.
Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*
I agree with this.0 -
He may have abandonment issues, because of the life he had as a young teenager. Give it some time, as long as he doesn't tell her that she can't see her friends, talk to male friends, ect, I don't see where the problem is.
He may also just be the type of person who likes to stay home and relax with friends/his girlfriend, or he may not have enough money to pay for your daughters movie or dinner and feels inadequate, so instead of telling her that he suggests they just stay home.
Just be a part of her life and if you notice any warning signs of an abusive relationship, maybe have a chat with her.
I think he not being able to pay is probably an issue for him also. He is a guy and he probably doesn't feel comfortable having your daughter pay for stuff so he just wants to stay home.0 -
It sounds like he's essentially a good guy, but his social skills are a little out of whack (which may or may not have anything to do with his upbringing). Chances are, if he's deliberately sticking to your daughter like glue, that this is the first time he's felt particularly close to someone, and no-one taught him that basically shadowing someone isn't healthy.
I'd try talking to your daughter about it; don't criticise him or accuse him of controlling him, no matter how legit your concerns (when I was that age, I took all criticism of my boyfriends from my parents rather personally and automatically tuned out, even if they actually had a good point), but maybe just ask, during a casual conversation, what she and her boyfriend get up to, socially. Like "What do you guys like to watch at the cinema?" or "I found a really nice frozen yoghurt place earlier, you and *whatever his name is* should check it out!" Chances are that she'll mention that they don't go out and socialise much, and you might be able to get to the bottom of why; if she acknowledges that it's him who prefers to chill out at home, just say that you understand that it's still a nice way to spend time, but why not go out occasionally too? After all, it's only a little compromise.
Good luck.
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I know he's not a bad kid, and I also think that he's afraid to loose her. He told my daughter that if it wasn't from her, he would have quit school a long time ago. When she told me that he told him that, she got very emotional and cried. Actually, almost every time we talked about his situation (his relationship with his father & grandmother), she cries.You should definitely talk to your daughter and express your concerns. You should also sit down and talk to him. He seems like a pretty reasonable kid for everything he has been through. He may not realize what he is doing. He probably has a fear of abandonment and that is why he follows her around. If he is as good of a kid as you think he is and he cares about your daughter, then he will be genuinely interested in your concerns. Best of luck to you! I hope it turns out well. I empathize with you, your daughter, and her boyfriend so I really hope that this is easily resolved with an open, honest conversation.0 -
You have to play in cool, anything else would be pushing your daughter into his arms.
This is spot on!0 -
I don't see an issue here. Due to everything he has been through he may just be shy. Try to encourage them to go out somewhere without being pushy. I would also like to point out that later in life most of are not constantly running out here and there with our significant others. I am engaged to my bf of three years and we usually have one being outing once a month to an amusement park or something because we just can't afford to go out all the time. (We live together which is a bit different) but I don't think that us hardly go out makes it an unhealthy relationship. If she starts pulling out of her extracurricular activities, that is when I would start being worried.0
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Sounds like he might have some sort of social anxiety disorder. He's been through more than most people experience their entire lives. I'd be cautious but keep the communication with your daughter open.0
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Maybe the 17 year old doesn't want to go out much because he May be Tired. I mean, paying for a place to live & a car while attending high school doesn't sound easy to me. The guy actually sounds like a pretty good kid given his circumstances. I would imagine he's probably has nearly Zero discretionary income to take your daughter to movies, etc. unless he misses a few meals to make up for it...0
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I know he's not a bad kid, and I also think that he's afraid to loose her. He told my daughter that if it wasn't from her, he would have quit school a long time ago. When she told me that he told him that, she got very emotional and cried. Actually, almost every time we talked about his situation (his relationship with his father & grandmother), she cries.You should definitely talk to your daughter and express your concerns. You should also sit down and talk to him. He seems like a pretty reasonable kid for everything he has been through. He may not realize what he is doing. He probably has a fear of abandonment and that is why he follows her around. If he is as good of a kid as you think he is and he cares about your daughter, then he will be genuinely interested in your concerns. Best of luck to you! I hope it turns out well. I empathize with you, your daughter, and her boyfriend so I really hope that this is easily resolved with an open, honest conversation.
I agree with others... she has to decide for herself if this relationship is toxic. I would just keep talking to her about things. When you are young, it is hard to really know what you want from a relationship. If he makes her happy, then you shouldn't interfere. But make sure that he genuinely makes her happy. She shouldn't stay with him just because she feels sorry for him and definitely not if she is afraid of him. She should be aware that there are wrong reasons and right reasons to be with someone and that staying with someone for the wrong reasons will cause it to end badly.0 -
Befriend him. Make him feel apart of...not the family...but make him feel wanted. That way he has your respect as well. Saying anything negative about him might make her turn away from you. They probably just have their routine. If you become friends with him and than suggest things they might see it more as friendly encouragement.0
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I know he's not a bad kid, and I also think that he's afraid to loose her. He told my daughter that if it wasn't from her, he would have quit school a long time ago. When she told me that he told him that, she got very emotional and cried. Actually, almost every time we talked about his situation (his relationship with his father & grandmother), she cries.You should definitely talk to your daughter and express your concerns. You should also sit down and talk to him. He seems like a pretty reasonable kid for everything he has been through. He may not realize what he is doing. He probably has a fear of abandonment and that is why he follows her around. If he is as good of a kid as you think he is and he cares about your daughter, then he will be genuinely interested in your concerns. Best of luck to you! I hope it turns out well. I empathize with you, your daughter, and her boyfriend so I really hope that this is easily resolved with an open, honest conversation.
Honestly? I'd cry too... It's heartbreaking to think of my son starting to cook for himself and be alone all the time.
Damnit, I am going to cry. I need a xanax.0 -
I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.
It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.
I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.
Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*
^^ This. He could very well not afford a movies, etc. You don't mention your husband. Is your daughter close to an older man - uncle, grandpa, etc. - that you could encourage them to spend some time with - someone that the boyfriend could learn how to be a man from? It sounds like he's already got a good start, just could use some refinement.0 -
I agree as others have said.
He likely struggles with abandonment, particularly with women, since mom left.
(my husband's mom passed away when he was 11, so his life from then was similar to the young man you describe)
He may feel that he is not like other people their age socially awkward- and doesnt fit in. There fore, social situations are uncomfortable.
the $$ piece, like others mentioned.
Also, and not to open a whole new can of worms, but if they are sexually active, alot of teenage boys would rather stay home for that than go out. I am sooo sorry if that is offensive. Even if they are not sexually active, just cuddling and having the physical affection is worth alot more to teenage boys than going to the movies or out and about.0 -
I know he's not a bad kid, and I also think that he's afraid to loose her. He told my daughter that if it wasn't from her, he would have quit school a long time ago. When she told me that he told him that, she got very emotional and cried. Actually, almost every time we talked about his situation (his relationship with his father & grandmother), she cries.
It sounds like they genuinely talk to each other about personal things, and share their lives. As long as the three of you keep the lines of communication open, I don't think there will be any major issues.0 -
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Wow there is some great advice given here. I also do not see anything wrong with hanging out at home. I agree with the previous comments that if he is paying for an apt he might not have any extra money to take her out. As long as she is okay with them hanging out and he isn't abusing her and lets her do stuff with other friends I don't see the problem. I would discuss some form of birth control though since they are alone when they hang out..just in case..better safe than sorry. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful person and she may be the best thing that has happened to him. As long as he is clean like you say, no drugs then i wouldn't worry.0
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Maybe the 17 year old doesn't want to go out much because he May be Tired. I mean, paying for a place to live & a car while attending high school doesn't sound easy to me. The guy actually sounds like a pretty good kid given his circumstances. I would imagine he's probably has nearly Zero discretionary income to take your daughter to movies, etc. unless he misses a few meals to make up for it...
Completely agree.0 -
I'd butt out and let things just play out.I would need your advice.
My daughter's been going out with a boy for a bit more than a year now (my daughter will be 16 on January 1st, and his boyfriend's 17 year's old).
He's not malicious. Immature - yes, in a way. He grew up without his mother (she left with her 2 daughters when he was around 6 years old), so he was left with his dad, who, in return was never there. Actually he was left alone at home, and had to cook food for himself even at a young age because his father was never there. Really, never there. 4 years ago, he's father started to go out with a women. A year after, they decided to move together. He then told he son to find himself a place to stay, 'cause he was gonna go live with her girlfriend... alone. He was 14 years old. He moved to her grandmother's house. He had to work to pay for school 'cause daddy didn't want to pay. That's the kind of life he got. He doesn't have a lot of friends. I think he doesn't want to get hurt again. About 6 months ago, when he got his driver licences, he told his grandmother that he wanted to buy himself a car, she kicked him out of the house, telling him that she'll be way to nervous, knowing he could have an accident. He's actually renting a room near school. It's almost a miracle that he's still straight. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't take drugs.
My daughter is a very outgoing person, she has a lot of friends, plays rugby, volleyball, touch football, does horseback riding, always on the move. The only thing her boyfriend does is lifting weights once in a while at the gym. When they're together, they do NOTHING. I mean, she goes at his place, and that's it. They never go the movies, they never go to some friend's place, never do nothing else, but staying at his place. When she wants to go the movie, he says yes, he comes and pick her up, then changes his mind, go to the video store, and ended up at his place. He doesn't want her to be around nobody. That's how I see it. And he's all around her. She can't do one step in the house, he'll stood up, go right after her. This is getting very annoying. Last night he was here, and was a bit disrespectful on his way of making comments about different Christmas decorations in the house. My daughter is brilliant. She's at the top of every class she's in. I don't really want to interfere, but I really have the sensation that he 'controls' her in a way. I already had a conversation with her, saying that it wasn't a "healthy" relationship when all two people do is staying at one's place, not doing anything, without seeing anybody when they are together. I raised my children alone. I left their father when my son was 2 years old, and my daughter was 11 months. Daddy never cared for his daughter, only his son. My boyfriend, we've been together for 7 years now, has been more of a father for her than her actual dad, but still. She's very sensitive, she tells me everything, I don't want to say what I think of him, and ended up her turning her back on me. Then there's gonna be real trouble I think.
What would you do?
(English not being my primary language, sorry for the spelling mistakes in there :blushing: )
Good girls love bad boys, and that's the way it's always been.0 -
I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.
It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.
I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.
Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*
Don't get me wrong. I do know all about that, and I do have a lot of respect for what he's been thought, and I told him that, and I know he's not a bad kid. What I'm afraid of, is that my daughter is very sensitive and she is a kind of "Teresa Mother"... and just don't want her to be taken advantage of. And my daughter is working, and pays for her own stuff when she goes out with him, and also pays for him, when he lets her.0
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