Daughter's boyfriend, should I talk?

carlypreiss

I'd butt out and let things just play out.

Good girls love bad boys, and that's the way it's always been.

He doesn't sound like a bad boy at all though?

carlypreiss

Don't get me wrong. I do know all about that, and I do have a lot of respect for what he's been thought, and I told him that, and I know he's not a bad kid. What I'm afraid of, is that my daughter is very sensitive and she is a kind of "Teresa Mother"... and just don't want her to be taken advantage of. And my daughter is working, and pays for her own stuff when she goes out with him, and also pays for him, when he lets her.

Sounds a lot like me. Talk to her about that, but by the way you say "when he lets her", it sounds like he feels guilty accepting it.

odusgolp

I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.

It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.

I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.

Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*

Don't get me wrong. I do know all about that, and I do have a lot of respect for what he's been thought, and I told him that, and I know he's not a bad kid. What I'm afraid of, is that my daughter is very sensitive and she is a kind of "Teresa Mother"... and just don't want her to be taken advantage of. And my daughter is working, and pays for her own stuff when she goes out with him, and also pays for him, when he lets her.

He sounds like such a good kid... and she has a LONG life ahead of hear. No reason to jump out of this relationship in search of something better anytime soon Just let them ride it out. This could be one of the most heart-breaking relationships she will ever be in in life, but I bet it will make her a stronger person

ogosun

Let her decide if this is okay for her or not. He doesn't sound like a bad kid.

Must agree on that 100%... . But do tell your daughter not to Pay when they do go out... that is a NO NO....If he wants a GF he has to be respectful to her and pay her way if they do go out... not her paying for him... nada....

odusgolp

I'd butt out and let things just play out.

Good girls love bad boys, and that's the way it's always been.

He doesn't sound like a bad boy at all though?

Yeah, only he's not a bad boy *LOL* And your woman stereotype sucks, so bend over so I can spank you!

UsedToBeHusky

I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.

It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.

I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.

Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*

Don't get me wrong. I do know all about that, and I do have a lot of respect for what he's been thought, and I told him that, and I know he's not a bad kid. What I'm afraid of, is that my daughter is very sensitive and she is a kind of "Teresa Mother"... and just don't want her to be taken advantage of. And my daughter is working, and pays for her own stuff when she goes out with him, and also pays for him, when he lets her.

I do understand what you mean. I was taken advantage of by boys/men when I was younger and I worry about my own daughter who also has a really big heart. There are some lessons in life that we just have to learn on our own. My concern is more that girls like that tend to find themselves in abusive relationships (I've had two in my lifetime). Like others have said, just talk to your daughter often. Check in with her frequently. Be careful not to grill her, but approach the conversations with her about him casually as if she were talking to her friend and not her mom. If she shares anything with you that is sounds abusive, then share your concerns with her and make certain that she knows that she does not have to be in this relationship. Keeping good communication with her is really the best way for you to handle this situation right now. You don't want to interfere, but you do want to know what is going on in their relationship.

speedyf

Befriend him. Make him feel apart of...not the family...but make him feel wanted. That way he has your respect as well. Saying anything negative about him might make her turn away from you. They probably just have their routine. If you become friends with him and than suggest things they might see it more as friendly encouragement.

That's what we do. For his birthday, knowing he wasn't seeing his father much, and knowing he got into a fight with his grandmother, we invited him over, I made a big nice dinner, took out the nice cutlery & dining plates, bought a cake, had a nice evening, and also invited my son's girlfriend. I felt so sorry for the boy.

Nattiejean57

I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.

It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.

I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.

Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*

I agree with this and the fact that he probably has no extra money

speedyf

I agree as others have said.

He likely struggles with abandonment, particularly with women, since mom left.
(my husband's mom passed away when he was 11, so his life from then was similar to the young man you describe)
He may feel that he is not like other people their age socially awkward- and doesnt fit in. There fore, social situations are uncomfortable.
the $$ piece, like others mentioned.
Also, and not to open a whole new can of worms, but if they are sexually active, alot of teenage boys would rather stay home for that than go out. I am sooo sorry if that is offensive. Even if they are not sexually active, just cuddling and having the physical affection is worth alot more to teenage boys than going to the movies or out and about.

"Also, and not to open a whole new can of worms, but if they are sexually active, alot of teenage boys would rather stay home for that than go out. I am sooo sorry if that is offensive"

No worry :laugh: This is not offensive, we talked about that, and this is ALL clear. Even though we wish this comes the later, the better, what can you do!

christine24t

You know, I think it's normal for teenagers to sit in a room and not go out on dates. It's just the culture these days. The majority of couples I know do jack-s**t, instead just sitting and watching movies.
That being said, if you think he's controlling that would make me a little nervous. However, you could say this to your daughter and she could become very defensive. I think you should keep a close eye on the relationship, and set rules, like he can only be over for x hours a day, they have to stay in the living room. However, you have to always enforce the rules and be consistent with other boys and siblings. If you have extreme cause for worry, possibly call the school where the children attend and talk to a counselor, or talk to a private counselor or call an abuse hotline and just talk to someone about it.

moniquelessard

I didn't read all of the replies, but here's my take on the situation;


He's not a bad kid

He's been abandoned and rejected by too many people in his life (the ones who should have held him the closest)

He probably doesn't have a ton of money to take your daughter places.


If you talk to her, you should take the approach of

"we really like (bf's name) and we are happy that you found such a nice boy. We are concerned about his (and your) social well-being because he's had so many hard times. All the people that should have stayed around for him either kicked him out or left him. This may be the reason why he sometimes holds on too tight. Have you tried talking to him about this? Sometimes people who are afraid of losing a loved one just need an open conversation with lots of reassurance."

I would remind your daughter that healthy communication is the basis of every relationship. So is trust. So he needs to let go a little and trust her in order for their relationship to survive.

Best of luck!

RAQUELINATOVAR

That poor boy. it just really breaks my heart to hear that story. it isn't like he has money and isn't spending it on her. i don't know what to say. God bless you and your family.

speedyf

Don't get me wrong. I do know all about that, and I do have a lot of respect for what he's been thought, and I told him that, and I know he's not a bad kid. What I'm afraid of, is that my daughter is very sensitive and she is a kind of "Teresa Mother"... and just don't want her to be taken advantage of. And my daughter is working, and pays for her own stuff when she goes out with him, and also pays for him, when he lets her.

Sounds a lot like me. Talk to her about that, but by the way you say "when he lets her", it sounds like he feels guilty accepting it.

I personally don't know any boy that accepts that a girl pays... Ah, well my bf maybe :laugh:
But yes, I think he does feel guilty, but I told my daughter that, when they go some place, it's only fair that she pays 1 time on 2. I told her to talk to him about that, and she also felt bad when he was always paying. So I told her to tell him that. Which she did. That's when they agreed that they would "take turn" to pay.

MaximalLife

I'd butt out and let things just play out.

Good girls love bad boys, and that's the way it's always been.

He doesn't sound like a bad boy at all though?

Yeah, only he's not a bad boy *LOL* And your woman stereotype sucks, so bend over so I can spank you!

I still red from the last one.....:ohwell:

When do daughters ever date the guy Mom would pick?
HOW BORING!

carlypreiss

Don't get me wrong. I do know all about that, and I do have a lot of respect for what he's been thought, and I told him that, and I know he's not a bad kid. What I'm afraid of, is that my daughter is very sensitive and she is a kind of "Teresa Mother"... and just don't want her to be taken advantage of. And my daughter is working, and pays for her own stuff when she goes out with him, and also pays for him, when he lets her.

Sounds a lot like me. Talk to her about that, but by the way you say "when he lets her", it sounds like he feels guilty accepting it.

I personally don't know any boy that accepts that a girl pays... Ah, well my bf maybe :laugh:
But yes, I think he does feel guilty, but I told my daughter that, when they go some place, it's only fair that she pays 1 time on 2. I told her to talk to him about that, and she also felt bad when he was always paying. So I told her to tell him that. Which she did. That's when they agreed that they would "take turn" to pay.

That sounds like a good plan. So many of the girls I know either NEVER pay or always pay and I don't think that's healthy. Treat each other, don't finance each other.

speedyf

I didn't read all of the replies, but here's my take on the situation;


He's not a bad kid

He's been abandoned and rejected by too many people in his life (the ones who should have held him the closest)

He probably doesn't have a ton of money to take your daughter places.


If you talk to her, you should take the approach of

"we really like (bf's name) and we are happy that you found such a nice boy. We are concerned about his (and your) social well-being because he's had so many hard times. All the people that should have stayed around for him either kicked him out or left him. This may be the reason why he sometimes holds on too tight. Have you tried talking to him about this? Sometimes people who are afraid of losing a loved one just need an open conversation with lots of reassurance."

I would remind your daughter that healthy communication is the basis of every relationship. So is trust. So he needs to let go a little and trust her in order for their relationship to survive.

Best of luck!

I love this. I really do. You put into sentences what I really think and what I want the message to be. Great inspiration! Thanks!

AmyLRed

I also agree about times changing and that teens "hang out" more than date now. My nephew is 19 with a 16/17 year old girl friend. He came over 2 nights this week to play video games with my husband and his girlfriend came too, and just sat there watching. I thought she must be bored to tears, but she really was just happy to "be' with him, whether they were doing something fun or not.

moniquelessard

Just to add on to my last post,

I couldn't walk away from this topic because something was nagging me.. and now I know what it was..

I think your daughter has picked a REALLY GREAT GUY! Well it sounds like it anyways. Aside from the fear of rejection he probably has, the fact that he has pulled himself through such a mess of a childhood, WOW. Sorry, but she could be dating sooo many other losers out there. He just sounds like a gem. I dunno, I would support them as much as I could if I were you.

Ok, that's all!

Bahet

In my opinion this boy needs a parent. Be a mom. Invite him to your family gatherings. Make him feel like he's part of the family. Invite him over for a family meal on weekends. he sounds like a very mature and responsible ki. He just wants to be loved and is scared to death of being hurt. If you can make him part of your family then do so but keep in mind that it shouldn't matter if he and your daughter break up. Let him know that you are there for him in a parent role no matter what. This kid needs that desperately. My heart breaks for him.

TriciaLB

Where are social services? Why aren't they helping this boy? He's renting a room and paying rent at 17 years old - that's just wrong. There are two separate issues here - your concern for your daughter and the situation this boy is in. It's impressive that he hasn't resorted to doing drugs or dropping out of school - I feel very sad for him. He probably doesn't want to go anywhere because he's depressed plus doesn't have any money. I wish I had some good advice for you, just make sure your daughter stays involved in the things she cares about and continues doing well in school. As long as she's doing those things I wouldn't forbid the relationship, but I would try to find some way to help this boy! His parents should be prosecuted for child neglect and abandonment. I have a 14-year old boy and he's very much still a child - I can't imagine him being on his own in the world. Try to reach out to him, he obviously needs a positive adult influence! But of course, your first priority is your daughter. If he gets truly controlling or she starts to go downhill in school you will have to step in.

branflake5

I have a 17 yr old daughter as well so I understand your concern and need to protect her, but it doesn't sound like he is a bad kid. Maybe they don't get to go out and do things because he doesn't have the money to do things, going to the movies is expensive so renting a movie may be whats in his budget, he is a kid who has to pay rent, buy food, cloth himself ect. I think the fact that he is able and responsible enough to do these things is actually a great quality especially a teenage boy. And as for them spending all their time together well that is teenage love, my daughters boyfriend moved across the country and those 2 are on the phone or skype 24/7 other than when they are at school, so I don't think it is unhealthy I think they are just kids, and he may be a little needy due to being abandoned by all the people who were supposed to love him, but he sounds like a good kid. Now obviously I don't know the kid or your daughter but from what you are saying here it seems like just normal teen love, and I give the kid props he has had a hard life and is making the best of it.

branflake5

Where are social services? Why aren't they helping this boy? He's renting a room and paying rent at 17 years old - that's just wrong. There are two separate issues here - your concern for your daughter and the situation this boy is in. It's impressive that he hasn't resorted to doing drugs or dropping out of school - I feel very sad for him. He probably doesn't want to go anywhere because he's depressed plus doesn't have any money. I wish I had some good advice for you, just make sure your daughter stays involved in the things she cares about and continues doing well in school. As long as she's doing those things I wouldn't forbid the relationship, but I would try to find some way to help this boy! His parents should be prosecuted for child neglect and abandonment. I have a 14-year old boy and he's very much still a child - I can't imagine him being on his own in the world. Try to reach out to him, he obviously needs a positive adult influence! But of course, your first priority is your daughter. If he gets truly controlling or she starts to go downhill in school you will have to step in.

agreed 100%

messyinthekitchen

Have you thought that maybe he follows her around the house because he is nervous or uncomfortable around you? I'm not sure how you are with her boyfriend but if you are even a little stand offish he will sense that. Also maybe he doesn't want to do anything because the poor kid doesn't have any money to do anything since he's 17 years old and paying his own way. I get the feeling he is shy too if he doesn't want to do anything. But if your daughter is fine with it and she isn't changing then let it be. Anything you say negative about him will only guarantee she doesn't come to you next time. I remember being 16 and the way boys could act. This one has a few faults yes but seems genuine in comparison.

LaurenAOK

Having basically been the daughter in this situation I have to add my two cents.

I started dating this guy when I was 17 (we continued to date until I was 19). He was like your daughter's boyfriend, he had grown up with a really really hard life. I actually have to give your daughter's boyfriend credit because mine didn't take care of himself as well as your daughter's boyfriend seems to.

My parents were very upfront about the fact that they didn't like me dating him. Their arguments were the same as yours; I was too smart, too pretty, too outgoing for him. They also said we spent too much time together and were constantly trying to get me to do things besides hang out with him. And you know what? My relationship with my parents SUCKED the entire time I dated him. Every comment they made about it made me want to run away from them and towards him. Every time they tried to stop me from hanging out with him, I wanted to see him even more.

The fact is, I loved him. Maybe he couldn't afford to take me out to dinner or a movie (your daughter's boyfriend may not be able to afford to either, if he has to pay for all his own stuff), but things like that didn't matter to me. I loved who he was as a person and I loved how I felt when I was with him. Those two years were the happiest of my life, and I resented my parents for thinking I "deserved better" when I was honestly feeling my absolute best.

My point is, you can't know how your daughter feels. Even though the relationship may not seem healthy to you, she probably really loves this guy. Let her have her time with him. Unless he is posing a major risk to her like unprotected sex, drugs, etc. (which it doesn't sound like he is), you just need to grin and bear it. I promise if you try to interfere you will only upset your daughter.

Her boyfriend may not be perfect, but based on your description he's a pretty good guy. It takes SO much responsibility and drive for someone that young to deal with such a difficult life, and step up and take care of himself. He's 17 and he's already paying all of his own bills. That's very mature. As for him always following her around, think of it from his point of view. Pretty much everyone in his life abandoned him. He doesn't have a lot of friends. Your daughter is probably literally the most important person in his life. Of course he's going to always want to be with her. As for him being disrespectful, do try to forgive him. He's a teenager and he's had things really rough. If he does continue to disrespect you, you can speak up about that.

RonneyKay

In my opinion this boy needs a parent. Be a mom. Invite him to your family gatherings. Make him feel like he's part of the family. Invite him over for a family meal on weekends. he sounds like a very mature and responsible ki. He just wants to be loved and is scared to death of being hurt. If you can make him part of your family then do so but keep in mind that it shouldn't matter if he and your daughter break up. Let him know that you are there for him in a parent role no matter what. This kid needs that desperately. My heart breaks for him.

This was going to be my suggestion as well.
good luck!

Sebnem123

no boyfriends until the university is finished and you want to get married:):)

Staceydoodles

My first thought was that the poor boys had to work hard to support himself from a very young age when he shouldn't have to, perhaps he doesn't like going out coz he sees it as a waste of money? Why not buy them a gift card to a restaurant or the movies to encourage him? Do you still do stuff out in the 'real world' as a family? Maybe invite him along to that, not just the 'sitting around at a different home' stuff xx

chuckyp

Have you spent much time with him? Why don't you and your boyfriend treat your daughter and her boyfriend to dinner and maybe something else fun and social like bowling or mini-golf? That way he doesn't have the pressure of paying for a night out that he can't afford, and you can see how he acts in a social situation and feel him out and get to know him better. If you all have a good conversation, you might come out of it having a good understanding of why he does what he does without actually having to confront either of them about it directly.

Angelie28

Let her decide if this is okay for her or not. He doesn't sound like a bad kid.

Must agree on that 100%... . But do tell your daughter not to Pay when they do go out... that is a NO NO....If he wants a GF he has to be respectful to her and pay her way if they do go out... not her paying for him... nada....

So if a guy doesn't pay for me that means hes disrespecting me that's so ridiculous its not even funny. This is the 21st century and guys don't have to pay every single time, In fact I really hate when guys try to do that.To the OP I think what your daughter and her bf have set up is quite nice taking turns lets him feel equal in the relationship and less stressed about going out as I'm sure he prob doesn't have much free cash. He does sound like a good kid and I would personally shut down the communication with my mother if I knew she didn't approve of my bf. Voicing your concerns is ok but not to the point where she feels she cant tell you anything because you've already made your own assumptions about her bf

speedyf

In my opinion this boy needs a parent. Be a mom. Invite him to your family gatherings. Make him feel like he's part of the family. Invite him over for a family meal on weekends. he sounds like a very mature and responsible ki. He just wants to be loved and is scared to death of being hurt. If you can make him part of your family then do so but keep in mind that it shouldn't matter if he and your daughter break up. Let him know that you are there for him in a parent role no matter what. This kid needs that desperately. My heart breaks for him.

This was going to be my suggestion as well.
good luck!

As I replied a bit earlier, I know what he's been through, and he's welcome at home anytime, and he knows that. For his birthday, knowing he didn't really want to see his father (and knowing his father didn't really care), I invited him over, we had a great birthday dinner, with birthday cake, and everything. I know he was happy, and he does feel welcome. I don't have any assumption. But I also know my daughter, and just don't want her to stay in a relationship because she feels sorry for him.

But I must say that, after reading every posts here, I ended up with one conclusion this morning. As a parent, we want the best for our kids, but we also need to TRUST THEIR JUDGEMENT.

She'll trace her own path. And she knows, like my son, that if they ever need me for advice, and support, I'm right here, and that I'll always love them, and always be there. And when they're questioning themselves for something, they know they can come to me, whatever the situation is, and they really do. And that surprises me every time, and I feel so lucky for that. And I want it to stay that way.

I know he's not a bad kid, and I have to let her handle her own relationships. And just be there for her.

I must say that you all gave great advice in here. And that I really appreciate everybody's insight.