Daughter's boyfriend, should I talk?

seehawkmomma

Befriend him. Make him feel apart of...not the family...but make him feel wanted. That way he has your respect as well. Saying anything negative about him might make her turn away from you. They probably just have their routine. If you become friends with him and than suggest things they might see it more as friendly encouragement.

odusgolp

You should definitely talk to your daughter and express your concerns. You should also sit down and talk to him. He seems like a pretty reasonable kid for everything he has been through. He may not realize what he is doing. He probably has a fear of abandonment and that is why he follows her around. If he is as good of a kid as you think he is and he cares about your daughter, then he will be genuinely interested in your concerns. Best of luck to you! I hope it turns out well. I empathize with you, your daughter, and her boyfriend so I really hope that this is easily resolved with an open, honest conversation.

I know he's not a bad kid, and I also think that he's afraid to loose her. He told my daughter that if it wasn't from her, he would have quit school a long time ago. When she told me that he told him that, she got very emotional and cried. Actually, almost every time we talked about his situation (his relationship with his father & grandmother), she cries.

Honestly? I'd cry too... It's heartbreaking to think of my son starting to cook for himself and be alone all the time.

Damnit, I am going to cry. I need a xanax.

deeharley

I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.

It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.

I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.

Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*

^^ This. He could very well not afford a movies, etc. You don't mention your husband. Is your daughter close to an older man - uncle, grandpa, etc. - that you could encourage them to spend some time with - someone that the boyfriend could learn how to be a man from? It sounds like he's already got a good start, just could use some refinement.

AmyLRed

I agree as others have said.

He likely struggles with abandonment, particularly with women, since mom left.
(my husband's mom passed away when he was 11, so his life from then was similar to the young man you describe)
He may feel that he is not like other people their age socially awkward- and doesnt fit in. There fore, social situations are uncomfortable.
the $$ piece, like others mentioned.
Also, and not to open a whole new can of worms, but if they are sexually active, alot of teenage boys would rather stay home for that than go out. I am sooo sorry if that is offensive. Even if they are not sexually active, just cuddling and having the physical affection is worth alot more to teenage boys than going to the movies or out and about.

carlypreiss

I know he's not a bad kid, and I also think that he's afraid to loose her. He told my daughter that if it wasn't from her, he would have quit school a long time ago. When she told me that he told him that, she got very emotional and cried. Actually, almost every time we talked about his situation (his relationship with his father & grandmother), she cries.

It sounds like they genuinely talk to each other about personal things, and share their lives. As long as the three of you keep the lines of communication open, I don't think there will be any major issues.

leomom72

bump

Tsrwalker

Wow there is some great advice given here. I also do not see anything wrong with hanging out at home. I agree with the previous comments that if he is paying for an apt he might not have any extra money to take her out. As long as she is okay with them hanging out and he isn't abusing her and lets her do stuff with other friends I don't see the problem. I would discuss some form of birth control though since they are alone when they hang out..just in case..better safe than sorry. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful person and she may be the best thing that has happened to him. As long as he is clean like you say, no drugs then i wouldn't worry.

odusgolp

Maybe the 17 year old doesn't want to go out much because he May be Tired. I mean, paying for a place to live & a car while attending high school doesn't sound easy to me. The guy actually sounds like a pretty good kid given his circumstances. I would imagine he's probably has nearly Zero discretionary income to take your daughter to movies, etc. unless he misses a few meals to make up for it...

Completely agree.

MaximalLife

I would need your advice.

My daughter's been going out with a boy for a bit more than a year now (my daughter will be 16 on January 1st, and his boyfriend's 17 year's old).

He's not malicious. Immature - yes, in a way. He grew up without his mother (she left with her 2 daughters when he was around 6 years old), so he was left with his dad, who, in return was never there. Actually he was left alone at home, and had to cook food for himself even at a young age because his father was never there. Really, never there. 4 years ago, he's father started to go out with a women. A year after, they decided to move together. He then told he son to find himself a place to stay, 'cause he was gonna go live with her girlfriend... alone. He was 14 years old. He moved to her grandmother's house. He had to work to pay for school 'cause daddy didn't want to pay. That's the kind of life he got. He doesn't have a lot of friends. I think he doesn't want to get hurt again. About 6 months ago, when he got his driver licences, he told his grandmother that he wanted to buy himself a car, she kicked him out of the house, telling him that she'll be way to nervous, knowing he could have an accident. He's actually renting a room near school. It's almost a miracle that he's still straight. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't take drugs.

My daughter is a very outgoing person, she has a lot of friends, plays rugby, volleyball, touch football, does horseback riding, always on the move. The only thing her boyfriend does is lifting weights once in a while at the gym. When they're together, they do NOTHING. I mean, she goes at his place, and that's it. They never go the movies, they never go to some friend's place, never do nothing else, but staying at his place. When she wants to go the movie, he says yes, he comes and pick her up, then changes his mind, go to the video store, and ended up at his place. He doesn't want her to be around nobody. That's how I see it. And he's all around her. She can't do one step in the house, he'll stood up, go right after her. This is getting very annoying. Last night he was here, and was a bit disrespectful on his way of making comments about different Christmas decorations in the house. My daughter is brilliant. She's at the top of every class she's in. I don't really want to interfere, but I really have the sensation that he 'controls' her in a way. I already had a conversation with her, saying that it wasn't a "healthy" relationship when all two people do is staying at one's place, not doing anything, without seeing anybody when they are together. I raised my children alone. I left their father when my son was 2 years old, and my daughter was 11 months. Daddy never cared for his daughter, only his son. My boyfriend, we've been together for 7 years now, has been more of a father for her than her actual dad, but still. She's very sensitive, she tells me everything, I don't want to say what I think of him, and ended up her turning her back on me. Then there's gonna be real trouble I think.

What would you do?

(English not being my primary language, sorry for the spelling mistakes in there :blushing: )

I'd butt out and let things just play out.

Good girls love bad boys, and that's the way it's always been.

speedyf

I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.

It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.

I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.

Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*

Don't get me wrong. I do know all about that, and I do have a lot of respect for what he's been thought, and I told him that, and I know he's not a bad kid. What I'm afraid of, is that my daughter is very sensitive and she is a kind of "Teresa Mother"... and just don't want her to be taken advantage of. And my daughter is working, and pays for her own stuff when she goes out with him, and also pays for him, when he lets her.

carlypreiss

I'd butt out and let things just play out.

Good girls love bad boys, and that's the way it's always been.

He doesn't sound like a bad boy at all though?

carlypreiss

Don't get me wrong. I do know all about that, and I do have a lot of respect for what he's been thought, and I told him that, and I know he's not a bad kid. What I'm afraid of, is that my daughter is very sensitive and she is a kind of "Teresa Mother"... and just don't want her to be taken advantage of. And my daughter is working, and pays for her own stuff when she goes out with him, and also pays for him, when he lets her.

Sounds a lot like me. Talk to her about that, but by the way you say "when he lets her", it sounds like he feels guilty accepting it.

odusgolp

I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.

It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.

I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.

Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*

Don't get me wrong. I do know all about that, and I do have a lot of respect for what he's been thought, and I told him that, and I know he's not a bad kid. What I'm afraid of, is that my daughter is very sensitive and she is a kind of "Teresa Mother"... and just don't want her to be taken advantage of. And my daughter is working, and pays for her own stuff when she goes out with him, and also pays for him, when he lets her.

He sounds like such a good kid... and she has a LONG life ahead of hear. No reason to jump out of this relationship in search of something better anytime soon Just let them ride it out. This could be one of the most heart-breaking relationships she will ever be in in life, but I bet it will make her a stronger person

ogosun

Let her decide if this is okay for her or not. He doesn't sound like a bad kid.

Must agree on that 100%... . But do tell your daughter not to Pay when they do go out... that is a NO NO....If he wants a GF he has to be respectful to her and pay her way if they do go out... not her paying for him... nada....

odusgolp

I'd butt out and let things just play out.

Good girls love bad boys, and that's the way it's always been.

He doesn't sound like a bad boy at all though?

Yeah, only he's not a bad boy *LOL* And your woman stereotype sucks, so bend over so I can spank you!

UsedToBeHusky

I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.

It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.

I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.

Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*

Don't get me wrong. I do know all about that, and I do have a lot of respect for what he's been thought, and I told him that, and I know he's not a bad kid. What I'm afraid of, is that my daughter is very sensitive and she is a kind of "Teresa Mother"... and just don't want her to be taken advantage of. And my daughter is working, and pays for her own stuff when she goes out with him, and also pays for him, when he lets her.

I do understand what you mean. I was taken advantage of by boys/men when I was younger and I worry about my own daughter who also has a really big heart. There are some lessons in life that we just have to learn on our own. My concern is more that girls like that tend to find themselves in abusive relationships (I've had two in my lifetime). Like others have said, just talk to your daughter often. Check in with her frequently. Be careful not to grill her, but approach the conversations with her about him casually as if she were talking to her friend and not her mom. If she shares anything with you that is sounds abusive, then share your concerns with her and make certain that she knows that she does not have to be in this relationship. Keeping good communication with her is really the best way for you to handle this situation right now. You don't want to interfere, but you do want to know what is going on in their relationship.

speedyf

Befriend him. Make him feel apart of...not the family...but make him feel wanted. That way he has your respect as well. Saying anything negative about him might make her turn away from you. They probably just have their routine. If you become friends with him and than suggest things they might see it more as friendly encouragement.

That's what we do. For his birthday, knowing he wasn't seeing his father much, and knowing he got into a fight with his grandmother, we invited him over, I made a big nice dinner, took out the nice cutlery & dining plates, bought a cake, had a nice evening, and also invited my son's girlfriend. I felt so sorry for the boy.

Nattiejean57

I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.

It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.

I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.

Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*

I agree with this and the fact that he probably has no extra money

speedyf

I agree as others have said.

He likely struggles with abandonment, particularly with women, since mom left.
(my husband's mom passed away when he was 11, so his life from then was similar to the young man you describe)
He may feel that he is not like other people their age socially awkward- and doesnt fit in. There fore, social situations are uncomfortable.
the $$ piece, like others mentioned.
Also, and not to open a whole new can of worms, but if they are sexually active, alot of teenage boys would rather stay home for that than go out. I am sooo sorry if that is offensive. Even if they are not sexually active, just cuddling and having the physical affection is worth alot more to teenage boys than going to the movies or out and about.

"Also, and not to open a whole new can of worms, but if they are sexually active, alot of teenage boys would rather stay home for that than go out. I am sooo sorry if that is offensive"

No worry :laugh: This is not offensive, we talked about that, and this is ALL clear. Even though we wish this comes the later, the better, what can you do!

christine24t

You know, I think it's normal for teenagers to sit in a room and not go out on dates. It's just the culture these days. The majority of couples I know do jack-s**t, instead just sitting and watching movies.
That being said, if you think he's controlling that would make me a little nervous. However, you could say this to your daughter and she could become very defensive. I think you should keep a close eye on the relationship, and set rules, like he can only be over for x hours a day, they have to stay in the living room. However, you have to always enforce the rules and be consistent with other boys and siblings. If you have extreme cause for worry, possibly call the school where the children attend and talk to a counselor, or talk to a private counselor or call an abuse hotline and just talk to someone about it.