Daughter's boyfriend, should I talk?

Kat_Howard25

You can't tell or force a teenager to do anything, being 25 myself it's not long since I was one and I remember it well.

Trust her to make the right decisions for herself. If she is intelligent like you say, she will take the right path.

When you are that age, first-time love can be all-consuming. I remember it well. When I was in a relationship with a guy at the age of 16-18 it was suffocating. We suffocated each other, never went anywhere or hung out with friends (sounds sort of like what your daughter and her boyfriend are doing). We didn't realise it then, but I'm so glad we parted now.

Just don't worry. She will learn from it. She will make the right decision. Trust that, or you will risk pushing her further into his arms.

skinnyinnotime

I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.

It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.

I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.

Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*

Agreed. This boy has done himself proud in his circumstances, sounds like a strong character to me. What's so wrong about not wanting to socialise, we're all different!

kme2011

Befriend him. Make him feel apart of...not the family...but make him feel wanted. That way he has your respect as well. Saying anything negative about him might make her turn away from you. They probably just have their routine. If you become friends with him and than suggest things they might see it more as friendly encouragement.

I agree.

bestrodeo

I can see your concern for your daughter. I read your post, closed it out and thought about it. Let me start by saying I'm proud of the boyfriend anyone who would have been in his shoes would most likely ended up in jail, gangs, drugs, and dropped out of school. And the fact that he is willing to care for your daughter while supporting himself while still trying to finish school shows something for the kid.
As long as you know your daughter isnt having sex or unprotected sex, being forced into doing anything she doesnt want to do I wouldnt have a problem with them hanging out at his place. If he is the one paying for their outings (movies, dinner, etc) I don't see a problem with getting a movie and going back to his place. Have you been to a theater lately? it almost costs more than filling up your car let alone if you get snacks so a movie at home is more reasonable for someone on a budget.
As long as your daughter seems happy let em be, cause all youre going to do is force her into his arms if you try to break them up or tell her they need to slow down.

Best of luck

charlotte66

he dosnt sounds like a bad kid im sure your daughter could be with alot worse guys who are taking her to partys getting her drunk etc then that would be somthing to be annoyed about.

as others have said maybe he dosnt have the money to go to the cinema and take her places, he sounds like he is doing his best at his age i know many kids wouldnt be able to do it! my mum chucked me out at 16 i had my daughter at 17 i lived alone for nearly 4 years before meeting my partner a year and abit ago and its hard even now i cant afford to go out with friends and im 21. let alone if i had to pay for school aswell

your daughter sounds like a bright smart girl trust her desisions and if she wasnt happy she would makethe rite choice

kme2011

Maybe next time he's over for dinner or whatever and your daughter leaves the room ask him if you can talk and see if he's ok. maybe he just needs someone to really care about him and whats going on with him for a change. I can't imagine how he would feel. maybe hes just looking for that 'family" feeling he's never had with his own parents. Let him know if he needs anything u will do your best to help him. If you don't help him who else will? poor guy he sounds like he has a great head on his shoulders considering his past. have a family day and ask him to come along. You could do something that doesn't really cost him any money. like a picnic in the park or a walk. It might be nice for you to make a picnic dinner one night and send it with you daughter and tell him he has to take it to the park to eat it. I've been with my husband for 9 years and we hardly ever make it out of the house. even when we were dating. Neither of us could afford it. i can't imagine he would have to money to take your daughter out to a nice dinner. the litte things in life mean the most. just try to make him feel more like he's welcomed into your family.

Hoppymom

You should definitely talk to your daughter and express your concerns. You should also sit down and talk to him. He seems like a pretty reasonable kid for everything he has been through. He may not realize what he is doing. He probably has a fear of abandonment and that is why he follows her around. If he is as good of a kid as you think he is and he cares about your daughter, then he will be genuinely interested in your concerns. Best of luck to you! I hope it turns out well. I empathize with you, your daughter, and her boyfriend so I really hope that this is easily resolved with an open, honest conversation.

I agree. Talk with both of them, separately. Tell him that you like him but that you have concerns about the isolation that you see in their relationship. There are free things people can do to be together. (walks in the park, volunteering) He sounds like he has had a rough time and had developed some terrific coping skill. His upbringing may make him vulnerable to the possibility of becoming a controlling boyfriend/husband. It must feel like no one as ever truly loved him and now he has someone in his life that casre he probably wants to keep her close. Not healthy. If after speaking to them you do not see any results or if there is anger expressed I would definately talk to the school counselor ( or the police if there are threats made.) Yes, this IS your business! She is a minor and it is your responsibility to care for her and make sure that she is safe. Go with your gut instinct. If you are asking questions here then you have a real need to get this out in the open. Why on Earth has social services not been involved with this child. Your English is fine.

kme2011

Hello,
I hope this helps your situation a little. I am also speaking from past experience of being on both sides of your daughters positon and her boyfriend's .He sounds like a great kid. He had a very difficult life and he is surviving thebest way he knows how. It sounds as though they do love each other, because they talk on a personal level, they spend quality time together, you have met him ( so they aren't a secret item), and both are still in school; meaning they aren't dropping out and planning to run away together. Now, he probably wants to stay in alot because he has to care for himself as an adult. Between work, bills, school, and no family support, he is exhausted. He is exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally, etc. He probably can't afford alot of extra activities that other kids take for granted. Such as the movies, dinners, clothes shopping. The other kids use their allowance for fun activities, he is using his money to keep a roof over his head and feed himself. With that in mind, your daughter doen't have to be his savior. If she feels she needs more from a relationship that includes more emotional support or just acting like a kid, she shouldn't stay with him. Also, I'm going to be frank and I do not mean to offend you, but they are having relations. Any two young teens in a relationship, where one individual has a place of their own without parental observation is having sex. Thats what teens do whether they are in love or not. They sneak out houses, manipulate emotions, lie about their whearabouts, and cover each other just to have sex with the ones they love. Now, it's great that your daughter is telling you about her relationship, which shows things are not as bad as it can be. You definitely want her to keep talking to you and comming to you for advice. However; you do not ( under any circumstances) want a child comming out of this relationship!!! I do not believe they would to that on purpose, but their are thousands of teenage boys and girls who didn't mean to have a baby. This boyfriend probably doesn't to be around her friends because he doesn't have the money for the activities. He also feels self conscious about his lack of family, clothes, and living arrangements. Teens at that age arentunderstanding to lack of money or amily. You could introduce activities to them that don't cost a lot of money or even free. For instance, seeing a matinee instead of regular priced movie, take walks in the park, go to the beach ( if one is near you), ride bikes, ride skateboard, go to out door concerts, go for pizza, etc.
She is on the border of being in a controlling relationship. Again, I don't think he is doing it on purpose but the signs are starting to show. If your daughter wants out of the relationship and doesn't want to make it dramatic. She can do it slowly. Just stop spending as much time with him. For example, instead of four days a week, lessen it to two days, then one, then break up. She can say her activities and school are taking up too much time for a relationship or say she wants to spend more time with family. As a parent just be prepared for everything.

great advice

branflake5

Let her decide if this is okay for her or not. He doesn't sound like a bad kid.

Must agree on that 100%... . But do tell your daughter not to Pay when they do go out... that is a NO NO....If he wants a GF he has to be respectful to her and pay her way if they do go out... not her paying for him... nada....

I disagree that he should always have to pay for her when or if they go out. I don't see anything wrong with an independent woman or young woman in this case paying for activities, especially in this situation. I don't see it as he is taking advantage of her because "she pays sometimes when he lets her". I think that would be normal. It's not like she is paying his rent and giving him gas money and buying him groceries. That would be taking advantage of her, it sounds to me like they are 2 kids dating, when I was in high school neither me or my boyfriend had a lot of money to spend and we lived with our parents still, and we put whatever cash we had together to go do what we wanted.