wedding etiquette

meg7399

I need to vent to my MFP pals and see if I am totally off base. The BF's good friend is getting married this summer. He is an usher in the wedding. The wedding is in our state about 2 hours from where we live...thus we are expected to make it a destination wedding as we need to be down there Friday and Saturday night...and its a winery so obviously no driving. Its a small town with only a small handful of B&Bs to stay at while down there. The couple to be picked a very nice cottage type place next door to the winery which is going to cost us $350 a night! we are looking at a minimum of 700 for lodging, plus another $300 for his tux and his daughter's (the flower girl) dress. Breakfast is provided and dinner is served each night for the rehearsal and the wedding. I have been in PLENTY of friends' weddings and have never been expected to drop sooo much money before! We just had a huge blowout fight about it and I wanted to make sure I am not the crazy one here! He surely does not have the money for this. I could probably scrape it together in the next few months....but as a teacher I do not get paid in the summer and was hoping to save any extra to help with bills and daily living during my time off.
thoughts??? Is this normal to expect of your friends when you get married?

Kandace_Riopel

personally i would tell him that if its THAT important to him to be there than maybe he should pick up a few extra shifts or an extra temp job to come up with the cash. like you said as a teacher you have 2 months of unpaid time and def. need to save for that time! ..... hope that helps.

Contrarian

That's expensive. I would be honest with them and say you can't afford to spend $350 a night. Maybe they could suggest a cheaper place to stay.

Justjoshin

Depends on your friends.

I have friends who's weddings I have to drop $100 in a card for and say congrats, and others that I have had to blow 5grand on a bachelor party+ groomsman stuff.

Your guy needs to make the decision whether he wants to be in the wedding or not, and whether it is feasible for the two of you to come up with the cash. Or, he needs to talk to his buddy and let him know that the cost is just too much to handle.

LATeagno

I would talk to them directly and tell them you're concerned about cost. Be up front. There must be a cheaper hotel somewhere nearby. I mean, they're having a lot of people in from out of town, right?

Work with them to find an alternative to the lodging. As far as tuxes and dresses are concerned, we paid for all of the tux rentals in our wedding party. I think, especially if they're asking you to pay $700 for lodging, that they should be paying for yours. I wouldn't tell them that, though. Just simply say that you don't know if you can swing $1000 as money is tight. Hopefully they'll counter with something.

ETA: We also paid for one of my bridesmaids dresses; well, half of it, anyway. She expressed concern over cost and we jumped in to help. My other girls paid for their own, but if they'd asked, we would have helped. Our flower girl was my daughter, so obviously, we bought that too.

MaximalLife

I need to vent to my MFP pals and see if I am totally off base. The BF's good friend is getting married this summer. He is an usher in the wedding. The wedding is in our state about 2 hours from where we live...thus we are expected to make it a destination wedding as we need to be down there Friday and Saturday night...and its a winery so obviously no driving. Its a small town with only a small handful of B&Bs to stay at while down there. The couple to be picked a very nice cottage type place next door to the winery which is going to cost us $350 a night! we are looking at a minimum of 700 for lodging, plus another $300 for his tux and his daughter's (the flower girl) dress. Breakfast is provided and dinner is served each night for the rehearsal and the wedding. I have been in PLENTY of friends' weddings and have never been expected to drop sooo much money before! We just had a huge blowout fight about it and I wanted to make sure I am not the crazy one here! He surely does not have the money for this. I could probably scrape it together in the next few months....but as a teacher I do not get paid in the summer and was hoping to save any extra to help with bills and daily living during my time off.
thoughts??? Is this normal to expect of your friends when you get married?

Yes, it's normal, depending on the class of people you hang with, and we're only talking about a lousy $1200 for such a wonderful event.

Maybe you'd prefer he befriend those who just want a quick meet at the Elvis Cathedral followed by a trip to the Chinese ALL YOU CAN EAT Buffet?

Anyway, weddings are big deals.
Pay up, and have a great time!

AZKristi

If he agreed to be a groomsman, it is expected that he would pay for his own lodgings. But, you don't have to stay at the same place - look for something cheaper. Also, look for another couple or individual in the same situation. Perhaps you can share a small cottage?

Being in a wedding party is a big commitment. If you can't swing it financially, perhaps it would be best to bow out gracefully as early as possible so they can find a replacement. Worst case scenario, you can still attend the wedding (skip the tuxedo, only pay for 1 night at a B&B). Or, skip the drinking and drive home after the reception.

meg7399

I was trying to google other options. He told me that if I have a problem with it then I don't need to go. He seems to think he can make this money appear somehow...he is trying to spin it off as a nice vacation for us...but I don't often think about dropping nearly a grand for a vaca in Hermann MO. I am hoping that some reality sets in soon and he understands how pricey this is...who knows. Boys often lack logic.

jhardenbergh

I got married out of town, and wanted all of my groomsman there, but when we planned it my whole family and friends had to fly in, pay for at least two nights hotel. However, we set up the wedding at a hotel not too far from the airport and church we got married at. We got a reasonable rate for the rooms, about 100 bucks a night. Hell, we had to fly there as well. The room pricing seems pretty excessive, but if that's the rate that was agreed upon by them then that's the rate, you could always look for less expensive options in the area. I have had to travel for a few peoples weddings between my friends and my wife friends. I say if it's his friend, he needs to figure out a way to pay for the rooms, the tux, and dress.

Ashlea_M

My cousin is getting married in thailand in march and it's costing my parents $4000 to go and it's a beach wedding at some resort. My Dad is so annoyed that he has to pay all that to see an extended family member get married.

LATeagno

I need to vent to my MFP pals and see if I am totally off base. The BF's good friend is getting married this summer. He is an usher in the wedding. The wedding is in our state about 2 hours from where we live...thus we are expected to make it a destination wedding as we need to be down there Friday and Saturday night...and its a winery so obviously no driving. Its a small town with only a small handful of B&Bs to stay at while down there. The couple to be picked a very nice cottage type place next door to the winery which is going to cost us $350 a night! we are looking at a minimum of 700 for lodging, plus another $300 for his tux and his daughter's (the flower girl) dress. Breakfast is provided and dinner is served each night for the rehearsal and the wedding. I have been in PLENTY of friends' weddings and have never been expected to drop sooo much money before! We just had a huge blowout fight about it and I wanted to make sure I am not the crazy one here! He surely does not have the money for this. I could probably scrape it together in the next few months....but as a teacher I do not get paid in the summer and was hoping to save any extra to help with bills and daily living during my time off.
thoughts??? Is this normal to expect of your friends when you get married?

Yes, it's normal, depending on the class of people you hang with, and we're only talking about a lousy $1200 for such a wonderful event.

Maybe you'd prefer he befriend those who just want a quick meet at the Elvis Cathedral followed by a trip to the Chinese ALL YOU CAN EAT Buffet?

Anyway, weddings are big deals.
Pay up, and have a great time!

Yeah, because everyone has a "lousy $1200" lying around.

sjtreely

To me, it seems excessive. However, I don't know nearly enough to say that for sure.

How long have the two been friends? I'd fork over that much money if the friendship was since childhood, but the status of usher makes me think they may not be as close as that. Hummm...

How long have you known about the wedding plans and the cost you will incur? If you only got the memo now - 5 months in advance, I think you have a valid point of it being out of your budget. However, if you've known for quite a while that this was coming your way, I'd say you could have budgeted for it over time.

Why do you feel you must stay at the B&B? I get it would be far more convenient, but if there's something within a 30-45 minute drive that would save you quite a bit of money I'd go that route. Designate one of you the DD and stick with it.

Step back and ask yourself, "Will this make a difference in one year? Five years?" "Is this really important to my SO?" Depending on your answers, you may have to take one for the team .... if you want to be a team.

Venice57

I would talk to them directly and tell them you're concerned about cost. Be up front. There must be a cheaper hotel somewhere nearby. I mean, they're having a lot of people in from out of town, right?

Work with them to find an alternative to the lodging. As far as tuxes and dresses are concerned, we paid for all of the tuxes in our wedding party. I think, especially if they're asking you to pay $700 for lodging, that they should be paying for yours. I wouldn't tell them that, though. Just simply say that you don't know if you can swing $1000 as money is tight. Hopefully they'll counter with something.

I completely agree with this. As long as he is present for all of his duties, you shouldn't have to stay in the same place as them/the others.

california_peach

Is is customary for the attendants to pay for their lodgings and travel expenses. Maybe you could stay at home and he could share a room with another usher/groomsman.

JasonD334

Honestly I see both sides of this; On one hand your BF is probably very honored to have been asked to be a part of the wedding party, and from that standpoint he wants to do whatever it takes to be there for his friend, which is admirable. On the other hand being in someone's wedding should not come at the cost of putting a strain on your finances, especially if it is a situation where you are having to chose between practical uses for the money and going. Here is my suggestion: As an usher in the wedding I could not understand the importance of him being there for the rehearsal dinner on Friday night. I know he wants to be with his buddy, but by coming down on Saturday you'll cut your lodging expense in half, and honestly you all wouldn't be using the hotel much Friday anyway. I say come to the wedding on Saturday, enjoy the heck out of the event, go to your B&B that evening, and make the best of it.

As a side note, $300 for a tux rental is ridiculous, and he could probably buy one for less then that. It sounds to me as if the bride or groom to be has very expensive taste, and needs to be a little more considerate of the finances of those involved in the event. That, or be willing to pay for some portion of the lodging for the wedding party.

My 2 cents, which is probably worth less.

meg7399

first of all, I should be thankful they chose Hermann MO and NOT Thailand! Yikes!!!
Sadly, in Hermann MO there are no hotels...just bed and breakfasts. Its a town based solely on the business of the wineries and apparently people pay big! It would be so much different if these were mutual friends but their not and I barely know them. He seems to think this is no big deal....but then again, a few of the other guys who responded also don't think its a big deal. I do like the idea if trying to find someone to share with. Hopefully I can find another couple that doesn't mind a 5 year old!!

LATeagno

Honestly I see both sides of this; On one hand your BF is probably very honored to have been asked to be a part of the wedding party, and from that standpoint he wants to do whatever it takes to be there for his friend, which is admirable. On the other hand being in someone's wedding should not come at the cost of putting a strain on your finances, especially if it is a situation where you are having to chose between practical uses for the money and going. Here is my suggestion: As an usher in the wedding I could not understand the importance of him being there for the rehearsal dinner on Friday night. I know he wants to be with his buddy, but by coming down on Saturday you'll cut your lodging expense in half, and honestly you all wouldn't be using the hotel much Friday anyway. I say come to the wedding on Saturday, enjoy the heck out of the event, go to your B&B that evening, and make the best of it.

As a side note, $300 for a tux rental is ridiculous, and he could probably buy one for less then that. It sounds to me as if the bride or groom to be has very expensive taste, and needs to be a little more considerate of the finances of those involved in the event. That, or be willing to pay for some portion of the lodging for the wedding party.

My 2 cents, which is probably worth less.

This. This, this, this.

teenio7

I would be honest and say that you cannot afford it. If there is no way that you can do it, then try looking for a house to rent. To clarify, sometimes in small towns people will rent out their homes for the night if it is just their vacation home. It never hurts to try. You might be able to get one and split the costs with other friends. Hope that helps.

pshalamar

That is a lot of money for a weekend. Have you checked to see if there is a less expensive hotel - maybe in a nearby town? If you're concerned about driving, maybe taking a cab would be cheaper. Maybe there is another couple in your predicament that you could speak to about it and you all could stay in the same next-town hotel and share the cab. IF all else fails, speak directly with the bride to be and let her know your concerns and ask if she can help you come up with a solution. Be mindful of her feelings because this is also a very stressful time for her. She is undoubtedly trying to please many people right now.
And to answer your question, no - you're not crazy! It sounds like you are being as supportive as possible under these circumstances. BF def wants to be included but he needs to be sensitive to the fact that there is a whole lot of expense being asked here. Good luck and keep us posted!

amyrobynne

Do any of the B&B's have larger suites for less than double the cost? i.e., are there any places that you could split with another couple and each have a bed for a total of $400?

meg7399

As a side note, $300 for a tux rental is ridiculous, and he could probably buy one for less then that. It sounds to me as if the bride or groom to be has very expensive taste, and needs to be a little more considerate of the finances of those involved in the event. That, or be willing to pay for some portion of the lodging for the wedding party.

My 2 cents, which is probably worth less.

Its about 150 for his tux and the damn flower girl dress is about 150! His daughter is the flower girl and I do know that those dresses get PRICEY! I good bedazzle a white pillow case for her and make her look just as awesome! :P