wedding etiquette

meg7399

I need to vent to my MFP pals and see if I am totally off base. The BF's good friend is getting married this summer. He is an usher in the wedding. The wedding is in our state about 2 hours from where we live...thus we are expected to make it a destination wedding as we need to be down there Friday and Saturday night...and its a winery so obviously no driving. Its a small town with only a small handful of B&Bs to stay at while down there. The couple to be picked a very nice cottage type place next door to the winery which is going to cost us $350 a night! we are looking at a minimum of 700 for lodging, plus another $300 for his tux and his daughter's (the flower girl) dress. Breakfast is provided and dinner is served each night for the rehearsal and the wedding. I have been in PLENTY of friends' weddings and have never been expected to drop sooo much money before! We just had a huge blowout fight about it and I wanted to make sure I am not the crazy one here! He surely does not have the money for this. I could probably scrape it together in the next few months....but as a teacher I do not get paid in the summer and was hoping to save any extra to help with bills and daily living during my time off.
thoughts??? Is this normal to expect of your friends when you get married?

Kandace_Riopel

personally i would tell him that if its THAT important to him to be there than maybe he should pick up a few extra shifts or an extra temp job to come up with the cash. like you said as a teacher you have 2 months of unpaid time and def. need to save for that time! ..... hope that helps.

Contrarian

That's expensive. I would be honest with them and say you can't afford to spend $350 a night. Maybe they could suggest a cheaper place to stay.

Justjoshin

Depends on your friends.

I have friends who's weddings I have to drop $100 in a card for and say congrats, and others that I have had to blow 5grand on a bachelor party+ groomsman stuff.

Your guy needs to make the decision whether he wants to be in the wedding or not, and whether it is feasible for the two of you to come up with the cash. Or, he needs to talk to his buddy and let him know that the cost is just too much to handle.

LATeagno

I would talk to them directly and tell them you're concerned about cost. Be up front. There must be a cheaper hotel somewhere nearby. I mean, they're having a lot of people in from out of town, right?

Work with them to find an alternative to the lodging. As far as tuxes and dresses are concerned, we paid for all of the tux rentals in our wedding party. I think, especially if they're asking you to pay $700 for lodging, that they should be paying for yours. I wouldn't tell them that, though. Just simply say that you don't know if you can swing $1000 as money is tight. Hopefully they'll counter with something.

ETA: We also paid for one of my bridesmaids dresses; well, half of it, anyway. She expressed concern over cost and we jumped in to help. My other girls paid for their own, but if they'd asked, we would have helped. Our flower girl was my daughter, so obviously, we bought that too.

MaximalLife

I need to vent to my MFP pals and see if I am totally off base. The BF's good friend is getting married this summer. He is an usher in the wedding. The wedding is in our state about 2 hours from where we live...thus we are expected to make it a destination wedding as we need to be down there Friday and Saturday night...and its a winery so obviously no driving. Its a small town with only a small handful of B&Bs to stay at while down there. The couple to be picked a very nice cottage type place next door to the winery which is going to cost us $350 a night! we are looking at a minimum of 700 for lodging, plus another $300 for his tux and his daughter's (the flower girl) dress. Breakfast is provided and dinner is served each night for the rehearsal and the wedding. I have been in PLENTY of friends' weddings and have never been expected to drop sooo much money before! We just had a huge blowout fight about it and I wanted to make sure I am not the crazy one here! He surely does not have the money for this. I could probably scrape it together in the next few months....but as a teacher I do not get paid in the summer and was hoping to save any extra to help with bills and daily living during my time off.
thoughts??? Is this normal to expect of your friends when you get married?

Yes, it's normal, depending on the class of people you hang with, and we're only talking about a lousy $1200 for such a wonderful event.

Maybe you'd prefer he befriend those who just want a quick meet at the Elvis Cathedral followed by a trip to the Chinese ALL YOU CAN EAT Buffet?

Anyway, weddings are big deals.
Pay up, and have a great time!

AZKristi

If he agreed to be a groomsman, it is expected that he would pay for his own lodgings. But, you don't have to stay at the same place - look for something cheaper. Also, look for another couple or individual in the same situation. Perhaps you can share a small cottage?

Being in a wedding party is a big commitment. If you can't swing it financially, perhaps it would be best to bow out gracefully as early as possible so they can find a replacement. Worst case scenario, you can still attend the wedding (skip the tuxedo, only pay for 1 night at a B&B). Or, skip the drinking and drive home after the reception.

meg7399

I was trying to google other options. He told me that if I have a problem with it then I don't need to go. He seems to think he can make this money appear somehow...he is trying to spin it off as a nice vacation for us...but I don't often think about dropping nearly a grand for a vaca in Hermann MO. I am hoping that some reality sets in soon and he understands how pricey this is...who knows. Boys often lack logic.

jhardenbergh

I got married out of town, and wanted all of my groomsman there, but when we planned it my whole family and friends had to fly in, pay for at least two nights hotel. However, we set up the wedding at a hotel not too far from the airport and church we got married at. We got a reasonable rate for the rooms, about 100 bucks a night. Hell, we had to fly there as well. The room pricing seems pretty excessive, but if that's the rate that was agreed upon by them then that's the rate, you could always look for less expensive options in the area. I have had to travel for a few peoples weddings between my friends and my wife friends. I say if it's his friend, he needs to figure out a way to pay for the rooms, the tux, and dress.

Ashlea_M

My cousin is getting married in thailand in march and it's costing my parents $4000 to go and it's a beach wedding at some resort. My Dad is so annoyed that he has to pay all that to see an extended family member get married.

LATeagno

I need to vent to my MFP pals and see if I am totally off base. The BF's good friend is getting married this summer. He is an usher in the wedding. The wedding is in our state about 2 hours from where we live...thus we are expected to make it a destination wedding as we need to be down there Friday and Saturday night...and its a winery so obviously no driving. Its a small town with only a small handful of B&Bs to stay at while down there. The couple to be picked a very nice cottage type place next door to the winery which is going to cost us $350 a night! we are looking at a minimum of 700 for lodging, plus another $300 for his tux and his daughter's (the flower girl) dress. Breakfast is provided and dinner is served each night for the rehearsal and the wedding. I have been in PLENTY of friends' weddings and have never been expected to drop sooo much money before! We just had a huge blowout fight about it and I wanted to make sure I am not the crazy one here! He surely does not have the money for this. I could probably scrape it together in the next few months....but as a teacher I do not get paid in the summer and was hoping to save any extra to help with bills and daily living during my time off.
thoughts??? Is this normal to expect of your friends when you get married?

Yes, it's normal, depending on the class of people you hang with, and we're only talking about a lousy $1200 for such a wonderful event.

Maybe you'd prefer he befriend those who just want a quick meet at the Elvis Cathedral followed by a trip to the Chinese ALL YOU CAN EAT Buffet?

Anyway, weddings are big deals.
Pay up, and have a great time!

Yeah, because everyone has a "lousy $1200" lying around.

sjtreely

To me, it seems excessive. However, I don't know nearly enough to say that for sure.

How long have the two been friends? I'd fork over that much money if the friendship was since childhood, but the status of usher makes me think they may not be as close as that. Hummm...

How long have you known about the wedding plans and the cost you will incur? If you only got the memo now - 5 months in advance, I think you have a valid point of it being out of your budget. However, if you've known for quite a while that this was coming your way, I'd say you could have budgeted for it over time.

Why do you feel you must stay at the B&B? I get it would be far more convenient, but if there's something within a 30-45 minute drive that would save you quite a bit of money I'd go that route. Designate one of you the DD and stick with it.

Step back and ask yourself, "Will this make a difference in one year? Five years?" "Is this really important to my SO?" Depending on your answers, you may have to take one for the team .... if you want to be a team.

Venice57

I would talk to them directly and tell them you're concerned about cost. Be up front. There must be a cheaper hotel somewhere nearby. I mean, they're having a lot of people in from out of town, right?

Work with them to find an alternative to the lodging. As far as tuxes and dresses are concerned, we paid for all of the tuxes in our wedding party. I think, especially if they're asking you to pay $700 for lodging, that they should be paying for yours. I wouldn't tell them that, though. Just simply say that you don't know if you can swing $1000 as money is tight. Hopefully they'll counter with something.

I completely agree with this. As long as he is present for all of his duties, you shouldn't have to stay in the same place as them/the others.

california_peach

Is is customary for the attendants to pay for their lodgings and travel expenses. Maybe you could stay at home and he could share a room with another usher/groomsman.

JasonD334

Honestly I see both sides of this; On one hand your BF is probably very honored to have been asked to be a part of the wedding party, and from that standpoint he wants to do whatever it takes to be there for his friend, which is admirable. On the other hand being in someone's wedding should not come at the cost of putting a strain on your finances, especially if it is a situation where you are having to chose between practical uses for the money and going. Here is my suggestion: As an usher in the wedding I could not understand the importance of him being there for the rehearsal dinner on Friday night. I know he wants to be with his buddy, but by coming down on Saturday you'll cut your lodging expense in half, and honestly you all wouldn't be using the hotel much Friday anyway. I say come to the wedding on Saturday, enjoy the heck out of the event, go to your B&B that evening, and make the best of it.

As a side note, $300 for a tux rental is ridiculous, and he could probably buy one for less then that. It sounds to me as if the bride or groom to be has very expensive taste, and needs to be a little more considerate of the finances of those involved in the event. That, or be willing to pay for some portion of the lodging for the wedding party.

My 2 cents, which is probably worth less.

meg7399

first of all, I should be thankful they chose Hermann MO and NOT Thailand! Yikes!!!
Sadly, in Hermann MO there are no hotels...just bed and breakfasts. Its a town based solely on the business of the wineries and apparently people pay big! It would be so much different if these were mutual friends but their not and I barely know them. He seems to think this is no big deal....but then again, a few of the other guys who responded also don't think its a big deal. I do like the idea if trying to find someone to share with. Hopefully I can find another couple that doesn't mind a 5 year old!!

LATeagno

Honestly I see both sides of this; On one hand your BF is probably very honored to have been asked to be a part of the wedding party, and from that standpoint he wants to do whatever it takes to be there for his friend, which is admirable. On the other hand being in someone's wedding should not come at the cost of putting a strain on your finances, especially if it is a situation where you are having to chose between practical uses for the money and going. Here is my suggestion: As an usher in the wedding I could not understand the importance of him being there for the rehearsal dinner on Friday night. I know he wants to be with his buddy, but by coming down on Saturday you'll cut your lodging expense in half, and honestly you all wouldn't be using the hotel much Friday anyway. I say come to the wedding on Saturday, enjoy the heck out of the event, go to your B&B that evening, and make the best of it.

As a side note, $300 for a tux rental is ridiculous, and he could probably buy one for less then that. It sounds to me as if the bride or groom to be has very expensive taste, and needs to be a little more considerate of the finances of those involved in the event. That, or be willing to pay for some portion of the lodging for the wedding party.

My 2 cents, which is probably worth less.

This. This, this, this.

teenio7

I would be honest and say that you cannot afford it. If there is no way that you can do it, then try looking for a house to rent. To clarify, sometimes in small towns people will rent out their homes for the night if it is just their vacation home. It never hurts to try. You might be able to get one and split the costs with other friends. Hope that helps.

pshalamar

That is a lot of money for a weekend. Have you checked to see if there is a less expensive hotel - maybe in a nearby town? If you're concerned about driving, maybe taking a cab would be cheaper. Maybe there is another couple in your predicament that you could speak to about it and you all could stay in the same next-town hotel and share the cab. IF all else fails, speak directly with the bride to be and let her know your concerns and ask if she can help you come up with a solution. Be mindful of her feelings because this is also a very stressful time for her. She is undoubtedly trying to please many people right now.
And to answer your question, no - you're not crazy! It sounds like you are being as supportive as possible under these circumstances. BF def wants to be included but he needs to be sensitive to the fact that there is a whole lot of expense being asked here. Good luck and keep us posted!

amyrobynne

Do any of the B&B's have larger suites for less than double the cost? i.e., are there any places that you could split with another couple and each have a bed for a total of $400?

meg7399

As a side note, $300 for a tux rental is ridiculous, and he could probably buy one for less then that. It sounds to me as if the bride or groom to be has very expensive taste, and needs to be a little more considerate of the finances of those involved in the event. That, or be willing to pay for some portion of the lodging for the wedding party.

My 2 cents, which is probably worth less.

Its about 150 for his tux and the damn flower girl dress is about 150! His daughter is the flower girl and I do know that those dresses get PRICEY! I good bedazzle a white pillow case for her and make her look just as awesome! :P

stylistchik

Our wedding was a destination wedding I guess because my husband was stationed in Florida and all of our family live out of state and we were having the wedding in FL. We got married at a B&B that cost about $300 a night but we recommended other nearby places to stay since we understood they were all having to buy plane tickets, outfits, gifts, and other wedding stuff that comes with weddings. It's expensive, but it only happens once. the difference with ours was that it was family only and I think people are more willing to pay for their son/daughter/sister's wedding than a friend.

I am in a wedding next summer that I will have to fly in for, not to mention the $300 dress I had to pay for up front (totally wasn't expecting that :grumble: ) plus her bachelorette party is in Las Vegas a months before the wedding so there's the flight, hotel, spending money, etc. involved in that but I'm saving for it now because she is a good friend and it is important to her that I'm there and hey... it should be fun!

In all honesty I would evaluate the friendship, if it's a good friend it's probably worth saving these next few months to pay for it. If it's not a great friend whom you'd consider family, I'd explain that weddings are expensive and you can't spend like that right now. Hopefully you can find some alternative lodging and consider not drinking at the winery so you can drive. If not just save up and have fun, weddings *hopefully* only happen once.

soccerella

If he agreed to be a groomsman, it is expected that he would pay for his own lodgings. But, you don't have to stay at the same place - look for something cheaper. Also, look for another couple or individual in the same situation. Perhaps you can share a small cottage?

Being in a wedding party is a big commitment. If you can't swing it financially, perhaps it would be best to bow out gracefully as early as possible so they can find a replacement. Worst case scenario, you can still attend the wedding (skip the tuxedo, only pay for 1 night at a B&B). Or, skip the drinking and drive home after the reception.

I pretty much have to agree with all that said here - you shouldnt agree to be in a wedding without taking into consideration the cost

additionally as some one who just had a destination wedding 4 hours away, we had people drive home after the event! Its definitely possible for you guys to do the same. You could try to have him explain that you can't swing the two nights there and you'll gladly stay one, but coudlnt do both. or like others side there has to be somewhere more reasonable to stay or share with someone- maybe not right there, but it may be a half hour drive....thats what our guests had to do if they didnt stay at the place we picked

one last thing - you said you could save up for it over the summer and all, so I assume this wedding is in the fall? Yes it seems like alot of money, but i think thats a very reasonable ammount of time to tell your bridal party ahead of time so they know what to expect. As someone else said, being in a wedding, or even attending is an optional thing, and if he really cant afford it, he needs to let them know now

you could always also tell him that since its his friend, he should pay for it all - though that doesnt work well if its a mutual friend or someonw you know pretty well also

sjtreely

Ok, unless there's two Hermann MO's, I found options on hotels.com. There's a Days Inn in New Florence - 14 miles away from city center for $48/night. Other options range in price up to $449/night. You'll have to drive a few miles, but it may be a good solution.

Keep looking.

servilia

If the couple is requiring you to stay at a certain hotel, they should pay for it. Sorry that's the way I see things. Obviously they're not gonna do that so you should be allowed to pick your own lodgings which suit your budget. They should let you stay wherever you choose to.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

Honestly I think the wedding business has gotten blown out of proportion and it's crazy what the bride/groom will expect as perfectly normal for their friends. If you can't afford it, simply tell the bride that you would love to be there but cannot due to the financial issues you are having. It's also acceptable for your bf to go without you if he wants to spend that kind of money (unless you share a budget). The bride/groom plan whatever they want for their big day, but it's the guests' right not to participate for any reason they choose.

pshalamar

Honestly I see both sides of this; On one hand your BF is probably very honored to have been asked to be a part of the wedding party, and from that standpoint he wants to do whatever it takes to be there for his friend, which is admirable. On the other hand being in someone's wedding should not come at the cost of putting a strain on your finances, especially if it is a situation where you are having to chose between practical uses for the money and going. Here is my suggestion: As an usher in the wedding I could not understand the importance of him being there for the rehearsal dinner on Friday night. I know he wants to be with his buddy, but by coming down on Saturday you'll cut your lodging expense in half, and honestly you all wouldn't be using the hotel much Friday anyway. I say come to the wedding on Saturday, enjoy the heck out of the event, go to your B&B that evening, and make the best of it.

As a side note, $300 for a tux rental is ridiculous, and he could probably buy one for less then that. It sounds to me as if the bride or groom to be has very expensive taste, and needs to be a little more considerate of the finances of those involved in the event. That, or be willing to pay for some portion of the lodging for the wedding party.

My 2 cents, which is probably worth less.

Well said. $300 for a rental is outrageous!

JasonD334

I need to vent to my MFP pals and see if I am totally off base. The BF's good friend is getting married this summer. He is an usher in the wedding. The wedding is in our state about 2 hours from where we live...thus we are expected to make it a destination wedding as we need to be down there Friday and Saturday night...and its a winery so obviously no driving. Its a small town with only a small handful of B&Bs to stay at while down there. The couple to be picked a very nice cottage type place next door to the winery which is going to cost us $350 a night! we are looking at a minimum of 700 for lodging, plus another $300 for his tux and his daughter's (the flower girl) dress. Breakfast is provided and dinner is served each night for the rehearsal and the wedding. I have been in PLENTY of friends' weddings and have never been expected to drop sooo much money before! We just had a huge blowout fight about it and I wanted to make sure I am not the crazy one here! He surely does not have the money for this. I could probably scrape it together in the next few months....but as a teacher I do not get paid in the summer and was hoping to save any extra to help with bills and daily living during my time off.
thoughts??? Is this normal to expect of your friends when you get married?

Yes, it's normal, depending on the class of people you hang with, and we're only talking about a lousy $1200 for such a wonderful event.

Maybe you'd prefer he befriend those who just want a quick meet at the Elvis Cathedral followed by a trip to the Chinese ALL YOU CAN EAT Buffet?

Anyway, weddings are big deals.
Pay up, and have a great time!

Thanks for your input Daddy Warbucks, very valuable insight. Of course what more could we expect from such a posh fellow like yourself...

Oh btw, that was sarcasm just in case the "class of people" you hang around with don't use such literary elements.

soccerella

As a side note, $300 for a tux rental is ridiculous, and he could probably buy one for less then that. It sounds to me as if the bride or groom to be has very expensive taste, and needs to be a little more considerate of the finances of those involved in the event. That, or be willing to pay for some portion of the lodging for the wedding party.

that was her guesstimate, but that also was including the flowergirl dress too, so when you put both of those in there is not as bad

loserforlife

I need to vent to my MFP pals and see if I am totally off base. The BF's good friend is getting married this summer. He is an usher in the wedding. The wedding is in our state about 2 hours from where we live...thus we are expected to make it a destination wedding as we need to be down there Friday and Saturday night...and its a winery so obviously no driving. Its a small town with only a small handful of B&Bs to stay at while down there. The couple to be picked a very nice cottage type place next door to the winery which is going to cost us $350 a night! we are looking at a minimum of 700 for lodging, plus another $300 for his tux and his daughter's (the flower girl) dress. Breakfast is provided and dinner is served each night for the rehearsal and the wedding. I have been in PLENTY of friends' weddings and have never been expected to drop sooo much money before! We just had a huge blowout fight about it and I wanted to make sure I am not the crazy one here! He surely does not have the money for this. I could probably scrape it together in the next few months....but as a teacher I do not get paid in the summer and was hoping to save any extra to help with bills and daily living during my time off.
thoughts??? Is this normal to expect of your friends when you get married?

Yes, it's normal, depending on the class of people you hang with, and we're only talking about a lousy $1200 for such a wonderful event.

Maybe you'd prefer he befriend those who just want a quick meet at the Elvis Cathedral followed by a trip to the Chinese ALL YOU CAN EAT Buffet?

Anyway, weddings are big deals.
Pay up, and have a great time!

Have you lost your flippin mind!! She should not be spoke to with such discuss for simply asking for advice. GROW UP>

JasonD334

As a side note, $300 for a tux rental is ridiculous, and he could probably buy one for less then that. It sounds to me as if the bride or groom to be has very expensive taste, and needs to be a little more considerate of the finances of those involved in the event. That, or be willing to pay for some portion of the lodging for the wedding party.

that was her guesstimate, but that also was including the flowergirl dress too, so when you put both of those in there is not as bad

True enough; in fairness that information came to light after my initial post. Depending on the age of his daughter, I strongly recommend a "pillow case dress". We used these in my wife and my wedding, and they are very nice looking, plus very cost effective. Just a thought. I am sure you all will work it all out, and good luck.