wedding etiquette

nrvo

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TappiGabi

When you agree to be a wedding attendant, you agree to the costs that go with it. His friends has planned what he wanted for his special day and if the costs are beginning to be too much for you two as a couple, perhaps he could tell them and bow out now, while they will still have time to figure out if they want to ask someone else. If the two of you decided to still have his daughter be the flower girl, I agree to look online for her dress, I would imagine you can find it online cheaper. I also found the Hermann Motel that would be under $100/night. It's not posh, but if you are on a budget and not looking for a "staycation" and instead just need a place to stay for the night, it would do. Put yourself in the shoes of your boyfriend and think about what you would want if the tables were turned and it was *your* friend getting married...

Newf77

I think there is more to this story than is being disclosed.

superdrood

IF it's important to your BF and something he feels strongly about doing it, then support him. Let him come up with the money, go and have a great time.

I agree. I know I'd get support from my wife and would do the same for her were the situation reversed.

christine24t

I say if the wedding matters to you, take the trip down but pick a cheaper hotel a ways out of town. No one says you have to get drunk on wine, or you can't call a cab. If the groom and bride get upset or don't like the plan, tell them you honestly can't afford it, not with all the other charges of the weekend.

I think once you agree to be in the wedding, you have to go and shouldn't back out, but you should not have to pay for a crazy expensive room.

. I stood up in a friend’s wedding as a maid of honor and there were things I couldn’t afford to do such as get my hair/ make-up/ and nails done with all the girls at a fancy place. She didn’t mind so long as I was there for the wedding of course.

Definitely agree with this - if the bride wants you to have fancy nails and hair and make-up done, she should pay for it. No way would I ever pay for a manicure when I can do my own nails for free. I might pay for hair just because I suck at doing it, but I wouldn't pay for makeup either. That's just me though. If the wedding party wants you to go the extra mile, they should pick up the charges.

sjtreely

I think there is more to this story than is being disclosed.

I think you might be right.

ccmccoy09

Look, it's their wedding.... It's a big deal to the bride and groom and (hopefully) the only wedding they'll get, and they are entitled to hold it where they want. They'll just have to understand that some of their guests may not be able to attend.

If the couple can afford to put the wedding party in rooms, that's fantastic, but it's not generally expected. As a good friend of the bride and/or groom, it's you and your boyfriend's duty not to overextend yourself to attend their wedding. Nobody wants to be unhappy at a wedding, and nobody likes a bitter wedding guest.

If it's not possible to swing the cost for 2 nights, your BF should bow out as usher. I'm sure his friend will be bummed, but nobody really wants their friends going broke to come to their wedding.

It won't be as fun, but it IS possible to go to a wedding, not drink, and come home after. But if your honey is still an usher, you'll likely have to be the one to drive home. Make sure he promises to swap you a future designated-driver night.

punkrawkcutie

I think there is more to this story than is being disclosed.

I think you might be right.

agreed

ccmccoy09

To OP:
I don't think you should have to tell them that you can't afford it. Since you asked about etiquette - It's bad etiquette to even put someone in a position where they would have to tell you about their financial position.

Just for the record, if her boyfriend, knowing he didn't have vast sums of expendable cash, hadn't agreed to be in the wedding without first asking about the wedding costs and honestly, checking with his girlfriend (the OP), they wouldn't be in the position of having to tell the bride and groom about their financial position. You can't call it bad wedding etiquette when a guest is made uncomfortable after putting himself in a bad position.

sherrirb

Ok, my two cents....

You and your boyfriend need to come to terms with this before you go any futher. Talking to the Bride-to-be before resolving anything with your boyfriend would be a HUGE mistake.

Does he plan to assume the financial responsibility to take part in this wedding by funding his participation on his own or does he expect you to pay for it? You are not married and combined budgeting is for normal expenses in this case. Normal expenses would be rent/mortgage, utilities, phone, cable etc.

Responsibility for anything outside normal expenses should fall upon the person who would be using the money, or should be mutually agreed upon by both of you. If there is not an agreement, that you are both ok with that kind of expense, then he should be responsible for paying for it himself.

You really need to look at this whole thing from this perspective. Where do you plan for your relationship with your boyfriend to go? If you ever plan on getting married this is something you need to work out now because things like this will come up in a marriage and you MUST be able to work it out to a mutual agreement between the two of you or it will ruin your relationship, ESPECIALLY anything that has to do with money.

Sorry if this seems too heavy of a response but all I can say is "been there". Money and arguing over money wrecks relationships.

Learn how to cooperate in this situation, decide together if he will stay in the wedding or not, talk about who and how this endeavor will be funded, talk about alternatives together, and/or if you should talk to the bride/groom about your financial situation. Do it together now or your relationship in the future will suffer for it. Do not argue, but hear him out and ask him to hear you out after you listen to him. COOPERATE!

servilia

To OP:
I don't think you should have to tell them that you can't afford it. Since you asked about etiquette - It's bad etiquette to even put someone in a position where they would have to tell you about their financial position.

Just for the record, if her boyfriend, knowing he didn't have vast sums of expendable cash, hadn't agreed to be in the wedding without first asking about the wedding costs and honestly, checking with his girlfriend (the OP), they wouldn't be in the position of having to tell the bride and groom about their financial position. You can't call it bad wedding etiquette when a guest is made uncomfortable after putting himself in a bad position.

You're right about the boyfriend but that doesn't detract from that fact that the couple still picked an outrageously priced hotel (yes 350$ for a place in the middle of nowhere is crazy) and if someone wanted to decline, how could they do so without either lying or having to admit they can't afford it? They should have provided several options.

To the OP: how long have you been with your boyfriend? Do you live together and share other expenses? If he insists on going then you can surely come to a compromise of some sort when it comes to paying for the cost - since it's HIS friend and HE's the one who insists on going (which is fine if they're good friends) then he should pay for more of the costs.

Myhighway2

Yes with a little drive get a cheeper hotel, if you don't you will never hear the end of it.

cobracars

Check for lodging in Warrenton, MO. I pulled up 1/2 dozen motels there from Holiday Inn Express to Super 8.
Its about 25-30 miles away, so maybe a 40 minute drive.
Be a designated driver.

smsaban85

It may just be me, but I would feel so bad if I asked a friend to pay $300 for a tux, I was freaking out about asking my bridesmaids to pay $120 when I got married last September. The cost of the room is a lot as well. I think it is a lot, but if it means that much to him, then it's worth it. You should just make sure that he knows he will have to be the one paying for it. Not you. Even if you share finances...this is a huge chunk and if you don't feel comfortable with spending that much for one weekend, then I would make him pay for it all. That simple.

ninerbuff

We made our wedding easy on everyone. We payed for everything (except the limo which was payed by the best man). All bridemaids dresses, all groomsmen tuxes, all the decor, favors, cake etc. Cost us about $18,000 for 350 people to attend and celebrate, but it was worth it. And it didn't take us but a couple of years (plus a lot of sacrificing by not eating out and movies) to pay it off.
Personally I think that if someone is asked to be in a wedding that the groom and bride need to be sure that if they can't afford to pay for it, that they can help.
Most of my family don't make a lot of money and we felt that by not burdening them with cost, that the wedding would go fine without any complaining or hitches.....................................and it did!!!!

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GeneaCindy

Other websites to check are VRBO.com, VacationRentals,com - these places often have homes, condos or apartments for rent. Maybe you could go in with another couple. Sometimes just being a little farther away from your destination helps. Looks like Jefferson City, MO is only about 50 miles away. They should have something cheaper. Good luck

jenna715

How awkward would it be if the bride/groom found this thread? lol

SalishSea

When we got married I did not want any of my friends to have to spend any of their hard-earned money on our wedding. We paid for the bridesmaid dresses, tuxs and all lodging. I would feel terrible if my friends had to pay for our celebration. I was just thankful they could spare the time.

I see that I am in the minority, being that we paid for the bridal.groom party. But I think that tradition needs to change. If you are getting married, you should be the one paying. I think it is extremely rude your BF's friend is expecting him to pay $1000 for a two-night deal. We are well resourced and I would not pay this $1000.

You are right to be upset. I agree with others that you need to tell the bride and groom, "We are honored you thought of us but we have to decline. We simply cannot afford it at this time. We wish you a wonderful wedding".

I am the OP. Yes I do agree with your correction. If I'd thought about it more I would not of suggested saying, "we cannot afford it." I would have instead suggested simply saying," we are not able to attend at this time".
And to MaximalLife...Mr. "lousy $1200" if that amount of money is so minuscule for you why don't you be generous and offer to help this nice person out.

I agree with this. I also paid for the bridesmaids dresses... if I was picking it, I was paying for it (well we all decided on the dresses together but the reason they needed the dress is because I requested them to be my bridesmaid so.. felt like I should pay). I'm not sure why it doesn't work that way for everyone but that's what makes sense to me.

To OP:
I don't think you should have to tell them that you can't afford it. Since you asked about etiquette - It's bad etiquette to even put someone in a position where they would have to tell you about their financial position. It's one thing to have a destination wedding somewhere that IS typically a vacation spot - but some cottage by a lake? I'd pay 350$/night for a nice hotel in Punta Cana or Miami but not some place in the middle of nowhere. Oh well, maybe you guys can go for one night and make it a fun couple thing too?

econut2000

When you agree to be in a wedding party, you agree to pay related expenses. That, unfortunately means tux rentals and dresses, as well as a gift, bachelor parties, etc. Those things are expensive. It also means, that if you are going to a wedding where you need to stay overnight, you also need to pay for your hotel. However, that doesn't mean you need to stay where everyone else is staying. It seems that your excuse is that you will be drinking and don't want to drive - I completely understand that. However, you will need to make the choice to drink or pay for a cheaper room. Wedding's are not cheap, even for guests (I just spent $400 on a friend's wedding and I wasn't in the wedding party). So, if you can't afford it don't go. If the friendship means that much to him, he'll need to find a way to pay.

n003k

Someone already posted this on the previous page...but try http://www.vinchesterinn.com/

The rates aren't that bad and it looks like a nice enough place. I searched 2 nights starting June 18th, rate is $62-$67 a night. Same for July, and in August it goes $62-$71.

Honestly, it looks like you just didn't look hard enough for another option. I'd also second someone being a designated driver (Honestly, I feel it's irresponsible if you both drink anyways given you apparently have a young child to care for on this trip...)

As for the Wedding Etiquette bit? It sounds like you're over-paying for a good bit...that's not their fault. If they insisted on buying a tux, by a certain maker, and demanded you stayed at the inn with them, that's one thing. Assuming that you CAN just have him rent a tux, and obviously other cheaper accommodation ARE available, I fail to see what the couple being wed have done that is offensive.

loved1

I have participated in 2 destination weddings & was a guest at another one & all of them were a big hit on the pocket. I spent at least a thousand in the 2 instances where I was an attendant - between showers, gifts, wedding attire, travel, etc.,.

I think participating in a wedding comes with the expectation that you may have to spend a considerable amount of time (including participating in events leading up to the ceremony) & money. I have an acquaintance who is about to get married and everyone is clutching their pearls since she didn't ask her close childhood friend to participate in the wedding. I know both of them & I know that the friend complains about money a lot & it would have been a hassle for the bride & unfair to the other attendants to deal with someone who complained about every expense.

I would not discuss your financial situation with the couple. They have enough stress right now.

The B&B is expensive, but I don't think it's unreasonable given the advance notice, but there should be a way for your beloved to carry a bigger share of the financial burden for lodging. Be realistic about whether you intend to drink and pay and find a way to stay onsite, rather than risking a DUI. Cab service in small towns can be sketchy and unreliable.

Cooriander

I find it low class to expect a guest of the wedding party to pay, and especially that much!!!! WOW! Outrageous - custom or not.

We paid for most of the expenses of the wedding party, dresses, hose, shoes & lodging, makeup and styling. It too was a destination wedding.