wedding etiquette

Mandypt

I need to vent to my MFP pals and see if I am totally off base. The BF's good friend is getting married this summer. He is an usher in the wedding. The wedding is in our state about 2 hours from where we live...thus we are expected to make it a destination wedding as we need to be down there Friday and Saturday night...and its a winery so obviously no driving. Its a small town with only a small handful of B&Bs to stay at while down there. The couple to be picked a very nice cottage type place next door to the winery which is going to cost us $350 a night! we are looking at a minimum of 700 for lodging, plus another $300 for his tux and his daughter's (the flower girl) dress. Breakfast is provided and dinner is served each night for the rehearsal and the wedding. I have been in PLENTY of friends' weddings and have never been expected to drop sooo much money before! We just had a huge blowout fight about it and I wanted to make sure I am not the crazy one here! He surely does not have the money for this. I could probably scrape it together in the next few months....but as a teacher I do not get paid in the summer and was hoping to save any extra to help with bills and daily living during my time off.
thoughts??? Is this normal to expect of your friends when you get married?

I got married in November and my wedding party knew exactly what they were getting themselves into before they made the commitment to be in the wedding. My husband's best man lived 2 hrs away as well but he stayed at his relatives house with his wife and two kids for the wedding. I had a few people who didn't commit to the wedding and the plans ahead of time because they knew they wouldnt be able to afford it. It is the bride and the grooms responsibilty to make sure their wedding party knows all details and that they know they can afford everything commited to them. Obviously if someone is in a wedding party, they would have to come in sooner but it should have been made clear ahead of time by the bride and or groom. If they let him know ahead of time about everything, and he said yes, then its not their fault. If they factored in exactly how much everything cost after he asked him to be in the wedding, they should help offer to pay for the arrangements or offer a place to stay (such as a relative).

leavingfat

Yes, it's normal, depending on the class of people you hang with, and we're only talking about a lousy $1200 for such a wonderful event.

Wow. I can't believe someone actually said that. I have a feeling you and I define "class of people" quite differently.

I've spent upwards of $3,000 to be in one friend's wedding and it was a wonderful time. However, I was in graduate school at the time and it was definitely a hardship. If I could do it again, I'd find ways to cut corners (though I can't think of any off the top of my head.) I don't regret doing it, but getting through the rest of the summer wasn't as simple as it could have been and it pretty much killed any savings I had.

$1200 isn't small change to most people, and you shouldn't have to provide money you're not comfortable parting with. If you can afford it and will be able to have a good time, go for it. If you can't, negotiate. Can you drive down one of the days if you don't drink and only stay there one night? It might be a little less fun, but the gas for a 2-3 hour drive, even round trip, has to be less than the room for the night.

Actually, is there a place maybe half way or half an hour away where you could stay one night? If you could get a $50 hotel room for one of the nights, that'd be helpful too and maybe cheaper than the driving.

happybrooke

RIDICULOUS! I am getting married in May and I felt bad that the bridesmaids and groomsmen had to spend between $100 - $150 on their outfits!! I can't imagine expecting people to spend more than that!

soccerella

As a side note, $300 for a tux rental is ridiculous, and he could probably buy one for less then that. It sounds to me as if the bride or groom to be has very expensive taste, and needs to be a little more considerate of the finances of those involved in the event. That, or be willing to pay for some portion of the lodging for the wedding party.

that was her guesstimate, but that also was including the flowergirl dress too, so when you put both of those in there is not as bad

True enough; in fairness that information came to light after my initial post. Depending on the age of his daughter, I strongly recommend a "pillow case dress". We used these in my wife and my wedding, and they are very nice looking, plus very cost effective. Just a thought. I am sure you all will work it all out, and good luck.

yea i used to work at a bridal salon and i was appalled at what some girls spent on their daughters (nevermind on the wedding gowns)

if she has a specific dress she requires, i'd suggest looking on ebay or something too to try to get it cheaper!

Mandypt

Yes, it's normal, depending on the class of people you hang with, and we're only talking about a lousy $1200 for such a wonderful event.

Wow. I can't believe someone actually said that. I have a feeling you and I define "class of people" quite differently.

I've spent upwards of $3,000 to be in one friend's wedding and it was a wonderful time. However, I was in graduate school at the time and it was definitely a hardship. If I could do it again, I'd find ways to cut corners (though I can't think of any off the top of my head.) I don't regret doing it, but getting through the rest of the summer wasn't as simple as it could have been and it pretty much killed any savings I had.

$1200 isn't small change to most people, and you shouldn't have to provide money you're not comfortable parting with. If you can afford it and will be able to have a good time, go for it. If you can't, negotiate. Can you drive down one of the days if you don't drink and only stay there one night? It might be a little less fun, but the gas for a 2-3 hour drive, even round trip, has to be less than the room for the night.

Actually, is there a place maybe half way or half an hour away where you could stay one night? If you could get a $50 hotel room for one of the nights, that'd be helpful too and maybe cheaper than the driving.

actually in louisiana, its all about the class of people you hang out with.. i've been to several weddings... in November, with everything involved including a full blown catholic church, it only cost 8,000 grand. My bridesmaids were expected to paid no more than 150 for their dress and shoes ( I paid for their hair and make up) and my groomsmen paid 120 for their tux. as for as arrangements, I said they were on their own but each managed. I live in a area with just a few hotels as well and they found a place to stay.. even if you have to drive 15-20 min more for the next town over, im sure you can find something cheaper.

justaxletdown

I need to vent to my MFP pals and see if I am totally off base. The BF's good friend is getting married this summer. He is an usher in the wedding. The wedding is in our state about 2 hours from where we live...thus we are expected to make it a destination wedding as we need to be down there Friday and Saturday night...and its a winery so obviously no driving. Its a small town with only a small handful of B&Bs to stay at while down there. The couple to be picked a very nice cottage type place next door to the winery which is going to cost us $350 a night! we are looking at a minimum of 700 for lodging, plus another $300 for his tux and his daughter's (the flower girl) dress. Breakfast is provided and dinner is served each night for the rehearsal and the wedding. I have been in PLENTY of friends' weddings and have never been expected to drop sooo much money before! We just had a huge blowout fight about it and I wanted to make sure I am not the crazy one here! He surely does not have the money for this. I could probably scrape it together in the next few months....but as a teacher I do not get paid in the summer and was hoping to save any extra to help with bills and daily living during my time off.
thoughts??? Is this normal to expect of your friends when you get married?

Yes, it's normal, depending on the class of people you hang with, and we're only talking about a lousy $1200 for such a wonderful event.

Maybe you'd prefer he befriend those who just want a quick meet at the Elvis Cathedral followed by a trip to the Chinese ALL YOU CAN EAT Buffet?

Anyway, weddings are big deals.
Pay up, and have a great time!

Wow, way to be a complete *kitten*. Not everyone has a "lousy $1200." I know I'd rather have friends who want a quick Elvis Cathedral wedding followed by Chinese buffet than people like you.

stylistchik

You could always just drive there the day of and drive home after. I was in a wedding 3 hours away and couldn't take off work Friday or Sunday so I worked all day Friday, got up at 5 am and drove down for the wedding, and drove back that evening to work the following day. It is possible.

stylistchik

As a side note, $300 for a tux rental is ridiculous, and he could probably buy one for less then that. It sounds to me as if the bride or groom to be has very expensive taste, and needs to be a little more considerate of the finances of those involved in the event. That, or be willing to pay for some portion of the lodging for the wedding party.

that was her guesstimate, but that also was including the flowergirl dress too, so when you put both of those in there is not as bad

True enough; in fairness that information came to light after my initial post. Depending on the age of his daughter, I strongly recommend a "pillow case dress". We used these in my wife and my wedding, and they are very nice looking, plus very cost effective. Just a thought. I am sure you all will work it all out, and good luck.

yea i used to work at a bridal salon and i was appalled at what some girls spent on their daughters (nevermind on the wedding gowns)

if she has a specific dress she requires, i'd suggest looking on ebay or something too to try to get it cheaper!

I hate to keep posting these "well at MY wedding..." but I agree with the dress thing, if you have the time you can usually find the same or similar dresses online for cheaper. My bridesmaid dresses were from amazon.com for $50 and my own wedding dress was from Ebay for $100 total including the gloves and veil and they all turned out really great. Most people understand the need to save money, especially on a flower girl dress.

groovybeenz

Try to go on hotels.com or another website to check for different places to stay in the nearby area. I don't believe I would spend a grand to go to someone's wedding. I'm cheap, I didn't spend that much on my own wedding.

hezzyfoofie

I think you have some options other than B&Bs. I just googled for about 30 seconds and found the Hermann Motel. Room rates $55.95 to $114.95. There's also the Hermann House Inn. $105-$175. The Vinchester Inn shows rates under $100 in January, may be higher later in the year.

Just1forMe

Seems as though the main issue is the cost of your lodging. Explain to them that $350 a nite is out of your budget. Maybe you could stay somewhere cheap within 45 minutes away on Friday (no drinking) and shop around for Saturday. I'd be willing to bet that there is SOMEWHERE less expensive nearby. It sound like my little town & even we have a motel here. Do some research...$750 is a lot for 2 nites just to have somewhere to sleep. And yes, your BF needs to step up to the plate and help foot the bill.

Carlamere84

That's expensive, however you should never assume how much the wedding will cost you. I was always taught that if I accept to be in a wedding, then I should also accept the price that comes with it. If I'm unsure then I ask "how much" before I accept. My husbands best friend wanted him to be in his wedding as his best man, however they got married in Mexico! Sorry, can't afford it so we didn't accept.

Maridelsol82

That's expensive. I would be honest with them and say you can't afford to spend $350 a night. Maybe they could suggest a cheaper place to stay.

Totally agree. Im getting married soon and I'm deffinitly trying not to put my friends in this situation.

cuteness81104

its hard because people who are planning the wedding are short sighted on their own needs and wants and may not understand that people cannot spend that much I had a similar issue with my dh last year we got married young and now have a house and kids and the rest of our friends are just starting to settle down so they dont get the on a budget thing but after the arguing we set up a plan a budget that must be met of what we could spare and we had to make that work and we did with a little had work and effort searching different options and maing the best of it for our friends weddings are out of control these days and those of us who dont get that find it hard to spend money that we know could be paying bills if they are good friends maybe talk to them about the flower girl dress reasonable ones can be found if they are willing to

MochaMixAZ

It doesn't sound like an unreasonable request, but it's also not unreasonable to say, "No, thank you, I can't attend."

If they question why, you are free to express that it's the cost...

... but other than that, I think it's just bad manners to tell them. It's their day, they'd like you to be part of it - but if it's not feasible for you, graciously bow out.

mommyoverboard

My whole family flew from Indiana to Las Vegas for my wedding, if anyone couldn't come, I understood, but I don't offer to pay for anyone. All expenses were paid by my guests. We counted it as our wedding gift, most were happy to have a vacation, but if you can't afford it, just bow out. You can't expect a bride and groom to change their plans based on your budget.

If its only him in the wedding and he really is insistent on going, you stay home and let him find his own way to go without you. Should cost the expense in half if he can room with someone else

Staceyblewin

IF it's important to your BF and something he feels strongly about doing it, then support him. Let him come up with the money, go and have a great time.

PamelaHenD

I am getting married next year and have friends coming from 3 states to come see me get married. They all know each other from being friends online and talking on the phone. I gave them the option of staying in a room together and splitting cost or we can find a way to stuff all 3 of them in my house. I would never expect someone to pay for a out of this world hotel or B&B and we have many of them here that are.
I must be a cheap bride because I am doing my best to make it affordable for everyone who is in our wedding. My fiance's sister and her 2 daughters are in my wedding so that means 3 dresses for them to buy. So we went shopping and managed to get her girls dresses for $22 a piece. Her dress will be under $100 I told her pick any you want as long as it is black. I my self have to pay for my gown and my daughters dresses for the wedding, then add my sons tux.

When planning a wedding people need to think of everyone and what impact it will have on your parties budget...

sarabig2fit

i would just find a cheaper place to stay. or just skip out on the events before the wedding. that would suck but if you can't afford it, you can't.

also, one of you could be dd and drive home after the wedding so you don't spend money at all... just a thought.

heatherlh83

I think that's an absurd amount of money to expect someone to spend.

Lyndi4

I was trying to google other options. He told me that if I have a problem with it then I don't need to go. He seems to think he can make this money appear somehow...he is trying to spin it off as a nice vacation for us...but I don't often think about dropping nearly a grand for a vaca in Hermann MO. I am hoping that some reality sets in soon and he understands how pricey this is...who knows. Boys often lack logic.

I am nearly 100% sure that I know the place you are talking about. I live in the STL area, and have stayed at a place in Hermann with cottages, as you mentioned. If it's the one I am thinking of then it is pretty nice. Hermann has some nice wineries and nice scenery. I think you would enjoy it. Also, if it's the one I'm thinking of then you can share a cottage with another couple. This might help with the cost. Another option might be to stay somewhere just outside of Hermann and drive in for things. This might be a bit more inconvenient, but I understand that things are tight for a lot of people right now.

Anyway, hope it works our for you!

Just1forMe

http://www.vinchesterinn.com/

Smiler106

I think people must be on crack to spend so much on a wedding. After all lets face it most of the money is for a party with your friends wearing fancy clothes. Who gives a shiney s***e who wears what and where you have it..., it's supposed to be about committing your life to somebody - it's not a money spending contest. Personally I'd reather have a marriage than a wedding.

With regards to the money he's asking you to shell out I think it's unreaonable. You can't expect people to give that kind of money for somebody elses wedding. One of my close friends got married last year and it cost us £100 for accomodation (although where he had it we could have camped for free).

SalishSea

When we got married I did not want any of my friends to have to spend any of their hard-earned money on our wedding. We paid for the bridesmaid dresses, tuxs and all lodging. I would feel terrible if my friends had to pay for our celebration. I was just thankful they could spare the time.

I see that I am in the minority, being that we paid for the bridal.groom party. But I think that tradition needs to change. If you are getting married, you should be the one paying. I think it is extremely rude your BF's friend is expecting him to pay $1000 for a two-night deal. We are well resourced and I would not pay this $1000.

You are right to be upset. I agree with others that you need to tell the bride and groom, "We are honored you thought of us but we have to decline. We simply cannot afford it at this time. We wish you a wonderful wedding".

And to MaximalLife...Mr. "lousy $1200" if that amount of money is so minuscule for you why don't you be generous and offer to help this nice person out.

dlyeates

I would definitely have him looking into Dominos or Papa Johns to deliver pizzas at for the next couple of months!!! Find stuff to sell on craigslist or ebay. There are always ways to find money if necessary.

I would also tell you to check with your HR about a year round salary option. Both of the school districts I've worked at had the option of being paid 12 months or 10 months....I always choose 12 months!!!!

L2M1D52

Some people think a certain amount is no big deal, while for others it is a big deal. Not everyone has money lying around to enjoy someone else’s day. You shouldn’t have to drop a certain amount to please them. I can understand why your bf would want to follow their suggestions; he probably doesn't want to cause an issue. Yet, if his friend is going to be mad because you can't lodge in the same place that is completely ridiculous. I stood up in a friend’s wedding as a maid of honor and there were things I couldn’t afford to do such as get my hair/ make-up/ and nails done with all the girls at a fancy place. She didn’t mind so long as I was there for the wedding of course. I personally think it’s ridiculous to make someone lodge in the same place. I wouldn’t want to make anyone feel obligated. However, maybe they will understand your situation, but you won’t find out until you tell them your situation. Otherwise, he needs to come up with the money which won’t hurt your guy’s finances later.

When I was planning my wedding I upfront asked if you won’t be able to have the funds to stand up, I completely understand. I asked for them to let me know now and I also told them they can get whatever they need, wherever they want, as long as their colors and length of dress were the same. Luckily now they have nothing to worry about because I booted the whole idea and will get married in the court. Good luck to you!

jenna715

I love how people are suggesting they say it costs too much and opt out of the wedding completely. He already said he'd be in it and HIS DAUGHTER is the FLOWER GIRL! It also sounds like the friendship is important to him. They can't just say nevermind and not go. That would be incredibly rude. As others have posted, there are cheaper places nearby, and it is reasonable to opt out of staying at the expensive cottages. It sounds like the OP needs to be more understanding of her BF in my opinion. Just because you might not know his friends doesn't mean its not important for him to attend. Shell out a few bucks(find a cheaper place to stay) and have some fun. Let him worry about 300$ for his tux and daughters flower girl dress (that should be a fun experience for her too).

servilia

When we got married I did not want any of my friends to have to spend any of their hard-earned money on our wedding. We paid for the bridesmaid dresses, tuxs and all lodging. I would feel terrible if my friends had to pay for our celebration. I was just thankful they could spare the time.

I see that I am in the minority, being that we paid for the bridal.groom party. But I think that tradition needs to change. If you are getting married, you should be the one paying. I think it is extremely rude your BF's friend is expecting him to pay $1000 for a two-night deal. We are well resourced and I would not pay this $1000.

You are right to be upset. I agree with others that you need to tell the bride and groom, "We are honored you thought of us but we have to decline. We simply cannot afford it at this time. We wish you a wonderful wedding".

And to MaximalLife...Mr. "lousy $1200" if that amount of money is so minuscule for you why don't you be generous and offer to help this nice person out.

I agree with this. I also paid for the bridesmaids dresses... if I was picking it, I was paying for it (well we all decided on the dresses together but the reason they needed the dress is because I requested them to be my bridesmaid so.. felt like I should pay). I'm not sure why it doesn't work that way for everyone but that's what makes sense to me.

To OP:
I don't think you should have to tell them that you can't afford it. Since you asked about etiquette - It's bad etiquette to even put someone in a position where they would have to tell you about their financial position. It's one thing to have a destination wedding somewhere that IS typically a vacation spot - but some cottage by a lake? I'd pay 350$/night for a nice hotel in Punta Cana or Miami but not some place in the middle of nowhere. Oh well, maybe you guys can go for one night and make it a fun couple thing too?

Bradozzz85

I'd not go. But that's just me. Some mates are happy to pay airfares etc for people they consider aquaintances. There are only a handful of weddings I will attend "if they ever happen" and that's it. I get called rude but if they are aquintances you are basically invited as a "prop"

melissanne81

That's a lot of money to spend on one weekend when he's not even a freaking groomsmen. I certainly wouldn't want to blow $1200 just so my husband could be an usher. But, it sounds like they are close friends....I would try to find a cheaper place to stay. See if one of the neighboring towns has cheaper lodging.