once a cheater always a cheater - true or false?
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I cheated once n never again although me and my husband flirt alot but we dont class that as cheating but many wld disagree0
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I could answer this literally and just say "yes" - because if someone cheats, and becomes a cheater, they cannot possibly UNcheat and become something different. I think what you may asking is "if someone cheats, does it mean they will do it again?" Or maybe something a little trickier like "If someone cheats, will they always be considered a cheater?"
It doesn't really matter. People tend to focus on the act - the cheating. It's hard not to. But I don't think that's what matters most. What matters is whether the two people in a relationship trust each other and want to be in the relationship. It's required from both. Those are really the only things that matters. In fact, you could boil it down to just one thing, really, that covers it all: do both people want to be in the relationship? It sounds so simple - and we make it so complicated - but that really is the only question that matters. There are no magic formulas or Redbook quizzes that trump the answer to that question.
Think about it. If you make a mistake - cheated/unfaithful - what ultimately matters is how both people in the relationship feel about it. Even if your partner were to forgive, get past it, etc., you could be torn up with guilt, over-apologizing, beating yourself up, etc. The cheater can take on the attitude of not deserving the relationship. Sometimes the person that never fully recovers is the one who cheated. Of course, if your partner cannot trust you again, the relationship isn't going to work. It might for awhile, but at some point, we have to choose to trust or not. You cannot make a partner forgive. It is a choice only he/she can make.
I believe that a long-term romantic relationship should be grounded in choice and pragmatic impermanence. It doesn't sound as romantic as "our love will live forever" but I think the payoff is more genuine. My wife and I have been together for 17 years (married 15). We love each other very much. We fight sometimes and get sick of each other too at times. But we actively choose to be in the relationship. We support each other and laugh and enjoy each others company. We both understand that we may not be married forever. Not in the sense that we don't care. Or that one of us is going to pack his/her bags tomorrow. But in the sense that we can't control each other's choices. We can influence them. But not control. My wife and I continue to stay in the relationship because we want to be in the relationship. It is an active choice.
Because we recognize the impermanence, we are there with intention. That won't sell any Hallmark cards, but in my mind, the perspective makes the relationship more meaningful. We choose to show up in a relationship every day because we are both getting something from the relationship that is a positive force in our lives. ("getting something" means a whole lot here - not just snicker, snicker/brown chicken brown cow, but also the joy received from giving to another person, participating in something with meaning, sharing experiences, etc.)
Back to the topic subject question - or at least my assumption of what you meant. I don't think someone who cheats will necessarily do it again. Whether I would look at someone who was unfaithful in a relationship as a cheater forever is a different question. I think that if I was cheated on, it would be hard to get over but I eventually would. It does me no good to hold onto resentments and I would have to move on. I don't do well when stuck. I am friends with a couple where the guy cheated. It was tough. I was angry with him. I supported and talked to the wife a lot as they went through this. They are now back together and doing well (counseling, etc.) But he hurt my friend. And it's been difficult to see past that. Me and the guy haven't really talked much since the whole ordeal. I'm going to have to let go of my judgment at some point and forgive him. That is, if I want to pursue a meaningful friendship. And I do. So I have to move past my judgment. I don't think the two can co-exist.
I'm glad both you and your boyfriend were able to move past your mistake. It's tough, but often very much worth it.0 -
I always say there are 2 types of cheaters...
One type cheats like there's no tomorrow. You can say they don't have a conscious. They do it for whatever reason and usually don't think about the consequences. These cheaters I'd say will always be cheaters. It's a condition of the heart. Even if they physically stop cheating, they'll always play around with the idea. They'll enjoy playing with fire w/o the burn.
Then there are the cheaters who make the biggest mistake of their life. They're remorseful, they're disgusted with themselves and will do anything to make it right. These usually will never cheat again because they're terrified at the hurt they caused. Also, these folks will stay away from anything remotely close to cheating because they know how easy the slippery slope is. These are cheaters who once were.. but not always will be.
I agree with this!!0 -
temptation plays major role in if someone cheats again0
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I have to say False, at least for some.
I cheated on my first wife, like it was a hobby. That is what happens when you marry at 19/20 becasue you have a kid on the way and are not in love.. yes, it happened. I am not proud of it, but it is factual.
She was the only SO I have ever cheated on. I am now a happily married man and would never consider cheating on my wife, she is the one I live for and therefore no other could take me away... now you know, if Jessica alba came knocking on the door and was looking for a three way with me and the wife.. I think that is OK.. It's like my wife says "it's not cheating if my husbands watching"0 -
It depends on the person. Everyone makes mistakes, if someone is otherwise good, and honest, I'd be inclined to give them a second chance. On the other hand, there are people who probably aren't going to change, but they're qualitatively different from people who have made mistakes. It can be tricky to tell the difference at first, but it usually shows after a while.0
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Then there are the cheaters who make the biggest mistake of their life. They're remorseful, they're disgusted with themselves and will do anything to make it right. These usually will never cheat again because they're terrified at the hurt they caused. Also, these folks will stay away from anything remotely close to cheating because they know how easy the slippery slope is. These are cheaters who once were.. but not always will be.
Been there once, and all 3 parties ended up being hurt. NEVER would do it again, I still feel terrible.0 -
I always say there are 2 types of cheaters...
One type cheats like there's no tomorrow. You can say they don't have a conscious. They do it for whatever reason and usually don't think about the consequences. These cheaters I'd say will always be cheaters. It's a condition of the heart. Even if they physically stop cheating, they'll always play around with the idea. They'll enjoy playing with fire w/o the burn.
Then there are the cheaters who make the biggest mistake of their life. They're remorseful, they're disgusted with themselves and will do anything to make it right. These usually will never cheat again because they're terrified at the hurt they caused. Also, these folks will stay away from anything remotely close to cheating because they know how easy the slippery slope is. These are cheaters who once were.. but not always will be.
^^This^^0 -
I always say there are 2 types of cheaters...
One type cheats like there's no tomorrow. You can say they don't have a conscious. They do it for whatever reason and usually don't think about the consequences. These cheaters I'd say will always be cheaters. It's a condition of the heart. Even if they physically stop cheating, they'll always play around with the idea. They'll enjoy playing with fire w/o the burn.
Then there are the cheaters who make the biggest mistake of their life. They're remorseful, they're disgusted with themselves and will do anything to make it right. These usually will never cheat again because they're terrified at the hurt they caused. Also, these folks will stay away from anything remotely close to cheating because they know how easy the slippery slope is. These are cheaters who once were.. but not always will be.
^THIS0 -
I have to say False, at least for some.
I cheated on my first wife, like it was a hobby. That is what happens when you marry at 19/20 becasue you have a kid on the way and are not in love.. yes, it happened. I am not proud of it, but it is factual.
She was the only SO I have ever cheated on. I am now a happily married man and would never consider cheating on my wife, she is the one I live for and therefore no other could take me away... now you know, if Jessica alba came knocking on the door and was looking for a three way with me and the wife.. I think that is OK.. It's like my wife says "it's not cheating if my husbands watching"
I like your wife. (Although I'd go a step further and say it's not cheating if your partner knows and approves.)0 -
pretty sure you can't throw anyone that's ever cheated into one of the two camps.
it's like saying "men are pigs" or "women are sh*tty drivers"
far too dumb of a statement.
^ I agree with this aside from the part about women driving.
Hahahaha!0 -
Cheating is simply unapproved "strange". If your current relationship is unsatisfying, either end it or modify it, openly with your partner. Don't hide it. THAT'S cheating. Search online for "monogamish". Sometimes being monogamish can save a relationship.
Just saying...
BTW, I am not monogamish.0 -
pretty sure you can't throw anyone that's ever cheated into one of the two camps.
it's like saying "men are pigs" or "women are sh*tty drivers"
far too dumb of a statement.
I agree with this. There could be many variables that come into play, not just one or two.0 -
pretty sure you can't throw anyone that's ever cheated into one of the two camps.
it's like saying "men are pigs" or "women are sh*tty drivers"
far too dumb of a statement.
I totally agree with this!
I agree. I also think that anyone who believes that someone who has cheated in the past is a low-life good for nothing ****face who will never be a whole person is an extremely bitter, sad, and angry human being.0 -
I'm always surprised by how many people say they'd leave, no matter what, if a spouse cheated. You can't know for sure what you'd do, unless you're faced with the situation. And I think MANY more are in fact dealing with it, than you'd guess. I think there are few marriages that last any length of time, where neither partner has strayed.0
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Some people habitually cheat and others cheat once & never again, but that doesn't change that they're still a cheater - it's not a system where if you go x months without cheating on your SO you get to pretend you aren't one anymore. That being said, I have zero respect for cheaters and would never again trust one. If you are so insecure or morally weak that you cheat, you should not be in a committed, monogamous relationship, and if you are so unhappy in your own relationship that you cheat, be a decent person and end the relationship or work through what you have without putting your parts in someone else's parts. Sounds harsh, but so is cheating & betraying the trust of someone so close to you.0
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I believe there are two many factors to count. What one person believes to be cheating may not be the same for another. We will never truly know the under lying factors for the cheating unless we are involved, but even then we may not.
If you have cheated more than once then I would say you are more likely to cheat for the third, fourth or twentieth time, but that does not mean everyone will.
It's hard to come to a conclusion on those who have only cheated the once because every person that has cheated several times had only done it once at one point.
It depends a lot on the individual and the couple.
In the literal sense, yes, once you are a cheater you will always be a cheater, but a 'serial' cheater? Who can tell? Those that a remorseful/devastated/disgusted with the cheating will swear they will never do it again but some do. The path they are on changes and what was going to happen will not necessarily be what happens.
If my husband cheated on me, I would first want to find out the reason for it, try to forgive him and move on from it. We agreed before we were married that there is only one reason either us would file for a divorce and that is abuse. Everything else we will work on and try to mend the broken paths that stand in our way.
Everyone is different and I'm not saying our way is right but it's right for us.0 -
I have to say false. I had made a huge mistake by cheating on my last boyfriend. Of course it destroyed us both emotionally. I have made it a point to never do it again but it takes work. People can change their ways but they have to choose to and know what can drive them to do it. I am now engaged to an absolutely wonderful man and would never dream of cheating on him but I am always aware of people that try to pull me astray.0
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I always say there are 2 types of cheaters...
One type cheats like there's no tomorrow. You can say they don't have a conscious. They do it for whatever reason and usually don't think about the consequences. These cheaters I'd say will always be cheaters. It's a condition of the heart. Even if they physically stop cheating, they'll always play around with the idea. They'll enjoy playing with fire w/o the burn.
Then there are the cheaters who make the biggest mistake of their life. They're remorseful, they're disgusted with themselves and will do anything to make it right. These usually will never cheat again because they're terrified at the hurt they caused. Also, these folks will stay away from anything remotely close to cheating because they know how easy the slippery slope is. These are cheaters who once were.. but not always will be.
I agree with this!! Unfortunately I ended up with the first type but he is history now!0 -
True. Even if you cheated once that still makes you a cheater. You cheated and always will have. So yeah, to me, once a cheater always a cheater.0
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double post0
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It depends on the person. Sometimes there are people who cheat and see nothing wrong with it, those people will probably do it forever. But sometimes people just make a mistake. I cheated once, when I was a teenager. It wasn't even sex, it was an emotional kind of cheating. But I still felt horrible about it, and I have never done it since & now that I'm married, I never will cheat on my husband.0
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Doing stupid things as a teenager is expected. You were about 16 when this happened? I can see that... who hasn't done stupid things as a teenager??
For me - a married adult - if my husband cheated on me it really wouldn't matter because I wouldn't stay around to find out.
We're adults. It's a choice. Cheating is a disrespecting, dishonorable, selfish, cowardly choice.
If a person is so weak that they're willing to potentially sacrifice their relationship or family for a cheap thrill, they should not be in a committed relationship.
If a person is so miserable in their current relationship they enter into a full fledged affair - they should have left the bad relationship.
My view as a 39 year old woman is: There is no justification for cheating. It means that you are weak of moral character and cowardly. Chances are you'll stay that way too.
Ditto!!0 -
I always say there are 2 types of cheaters...
One type cheats like there's no tomorrow. You can say they don't have a conscious. They do it for whatever reason and usually don't think about the consequences. These cheaters I'd say will always be cheaters. It's a condition of the heart. Even if they physically stop cheating, they'll always play around with the idea. They'll enjoy playing with fire w/o the burn.
Then there are the cheaters who make the biggest mistake of their life. They're remorseful, they're disgusted with themselves and will do anything to make it right. These usually will never cheat again because they're terrified at the hurt they caused. Also, these folks will stay away from anything remotely close to cheating because they know how easy the slippery slope is. These are cheaters who once were.. but not always will be.
^^THIS. Couldn't say it any better than this.0 -
WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!0
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DEFINITELY FALSE! Except when it's true.
Arny0 -
Both! Although it's still not right, some people have a pretty good reason to cheat--abusive relationship, etc. When the reason is removed, the cheating stops. Some people just like to cheat and will probably continue as long as they can get away with it.0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!0 -
Great minds tend to think alike...I have to say False, at least for some.
I cheated on my first wife, like it was a hobby. That is what happens when you marry at 19/20 becasue you have a kid on the way and are not in love.. yes, it happened. I am not proud of it, but it is factual.
She was the only SO I have ever cheated on. I am now a happily married man and would never consider cheating on my wife, she is the one I live for and therefore no other could take me away... now you know, if Jessica alba came knocking on the door and was looking for a three way with me and the wife.. I think that is OK.. It's like my wife says "it's not cheating if my husbands watching"
I like your wife. (Although I'd go a step further and say it's not cheating if your partner knows and approves.)0 -
Cheating is simply unapproved "strange". If your current relationship is unsatisfying, either end it or modify it, openly with your partner. Don't hide it. THAT'S cheating. Search online for "monogamish". Sometimes being monogamish can save a relationship.
Just saying...
BTW, I am not monogamish.
Or you could go all-out and be polyamorous, or swing, or one of the many other labels for various types of consensual non-monogamy. The key word here being consensual...0
This discussion has been closed.
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