once a cheater always a cheater - true or false?

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  • SinIsIn
    SinIsIn Posts: 1,865 Member
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    For me - a married adult - if my husband cheated on me it really wouldn't matter because I wouldn't stay around to find out.
    We're adults. It's a choice. Cheating is a disrespecting, dishonorable, selfish, cowardly choice.

    If a person is so weak that they're willing to potentially sacrifice their relationship or family for a cheap thrill, they should not be in a committed relationship.

    If a person is so miserable in their current relationship they enter into a full fledged affair - they should have left the bad relationship.

    There is no justification for cheating. It means that you are weak of moral character and cowardly. Chances are you'll stay that way too.

    I agree with this! ^^
  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,310 Member
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    Definitely false. People change. People who don't change stagnate.

    I also think there are as many kinds of cheaters as there are people. I don't believe you can categorise people. Every single person is individual and different and does things for their own reasons.
  • Secret_Agent_007
    Secret_Agent_007 Posts: 1,082
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    False!
  • amysj303
    amysj303 Posts: 5,086 Member
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    Just because you cheated once doesn't mean you will cheat again, but that doesn't change the fact that you cheated. I don't know if I would stay with someone who cheated on me, but that doesn't mean that the same person would cheat with the next person either.
  • Dtho5159
    Dtho5159 Posts: 1,054 Member
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    Too many factors to say true or false.. My ex boyfriend cheated on me and I found out from his sister, who I still talk to now and again that he has cheated on everyone he has been with since. Personally I have never cheated and my husband has never been with anyone else but me in his entire life so I know he hasn't.
  • Secret_Agent_007
    Secret_Agent_007 Posts: 1,082
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    False for me. I'm going to be 100% honest - at the beginning of my relationship I did cheat on my boyfriend. I confessed this to him and we moved on. I was young and stupid. I still am young and stupid but I learnt A LOT from what I did and would never do it to anyone ever again. We're 4 months away from our 6 year anniversary and I've been nothing but faithful since that day.



    You told him about us ??? :noway: :bigsmile:
  • DeeJayTJ
    DeeJayTJ Posts: 355 Member
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    true.

    i have NEVER cheated and wont date a woman who is a cheater. i may be missing out on some people but maybe they better lie to me and tell me they've never cheated.. but when i find out they are a liar lol its over.

    cheaters and liars are one in the same.
  • sweetiepie31612
    sweetiepie31612 Posts: 240 Member
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    At 27 my girlfriend is a habitual cheater. She cheats whenever she's feeling insecure in her relationship. She is a gorgeous girl, but highly insecure. When she feels like her s/o is having doubts or she's not getting what she needs (mainly attention) from the relationship, she finds attention elsewhere. Unfortunately she is driven to cheat by her own insecurity. Until she is able to overcome that, I'm afraid she'll always be a cheater.
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
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    Probably true. For a myriad of reasons.
  • fatgirlzrule2
    fatgirlzrule2 Posts: 172 Member
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    I wouldn't say "once a cheater always a cheater", but if my husband ever cheated on me I wouldn't be able to find out if he'd do it again, cuz his butt would be kicked out of the house and my life. sHE beLIEveD
  • clarkey16876
    clarkey16876 Posts: 13
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    I cheated once n never again although me and my husband flirt alot but we dont class that as cheating but many wld disagree
  • kennethmgreen
    kennethmgreen Posts: 1,759 Member
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    I could answer this literally and just say "yes" - because if someone cheats, and becomes a cheater, they cannot possibly UNcheat and become something different. I think what you may asking is "if someone cheats, does it mean they will do it again?" Or maybe something a little trickier like "If someone cheats, will they always be considered a cheater?"

    It doesn't really matter. People tend to focus on the act - the cheating. It's hard not to. But I don't think that's what matters most. What matters is whether the two people in a relationship trust each other and want to be in the relationship. It's required from both. Those are really the only things that matters. In fact, you could boil it down to just one thing, really, that covers it all: do both people want to be in the relationship? It sounds so simple - and we make it so complicated - but that really is the only question that matters. There are no magic formulas or Redbook quizzes that trump the answer to that question.

    Think about it. If you make a mistake - cheated/unfaithful - what ultimately matters is how both people in the relationship feel about it. Even if your partner were to forgive, get past it, etc., you could be torn up with guilt, over-apologizing, beating yourself up, etc. The cheater can take on the attitude of not deserving the relationship. Sometimes the person that never fully recovers is the one who cheated. Of course, if your partner cannot trust you again, the relationship isn't going to work. It might for awhile, but at some point, we have to choose to trust or not. You cannot make a partner forgive. It is a choice only he/she can make.

    I believe that a long-term romantic relationship should be grounded in choice and pragmatic impermanence. It doesn't sound as romantic as "our love will live forever" but I think the payoff is more genuine. My wife and I have been together for 17 years (married 15). We love each other very much. We fight sometimes and get sick of each other too at times. But we actively choose to be in the relationship. We support each other and laugh and enjoy each others company. We both understand that we may not be married forever. Not in the sense that we don't care. Or that one of us is going to pack his/her bags tomorrow. But in the sense that we can't control each other's choices. We can influence them. But not control. My wife and I continue to stay in the relationship because we want to be in the relationship. It is an active choice.

    Because we recognize the impermanence, we are there with intention. That won't sell any Hallmark cards, but in my mind, the perspective makes the relationship more meaningful. We choose to show up in a relationship every day because we are both getting something from the relationship that is a positive force in our lives. ("getting something" means a whole lot here - not just snicker, snicker/brown chicken brown cow, but also the joy received from giving to another person, participating in something with meaning, sharing experiences, etc.)

    Back to the topic subject question - or at least my assumption of what you meant. I don't think someone who cheats will necessarily do it again. Whether I would look at someone who was unfaithful in a relationship as a cheater forever is a different question. I think that if I was cheated on, it would be hard to get over but I eventually would. It does me no good to hold onto resentments and I would have to move on. I don't do well when stuck. I am friends with a couple where the guy cheated. It was tough. I was angry with him. I supported and talked to the wife a lot as they went through this. They are now back together and doing well (counseling, etc.) But he hurt my friend. And it's been difficult to see past that. Me and the guy haven't really talked much since the whole ordeal. I'm going to have to let go of my judgment at some point and forgive him. That is, if I want to pursue a meaningful friendship. And I do. So I have to move past my judgment. I don't think the two can co-exist.

    I'm glad both you and your boyfriend were able to move past your mistake. It's tough, but often very much worth it.
  • CheleLynn44
    CheleLynn44 Posts: 339 Member
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    I always say there are 2 types of cheaters...

    One type cheats like there's no tomorrow. You can say they don't have a conscious. They do it for whatever reason and usually don't think about the consequences. These cheaters I'd say will always be cheaters. It's a condition of the heart. Even if they physically stop cheating, they'll always play around with the idea. They'll enjoy playing with fire w/o the burn.

    Then there are the cheaters who make the biggest mistake of their life. They're remorseful, they're disgusted with themselves and will do anything to make it right. These usually will never cheat again because they're terrified at the hurt they caused. Also, these folks will stay away from anything remotely close to cheating because they know how easy the slippery slope is. These are cheaters who once were.. but not always will be.

    I agree with this!!
  • revren10
    revren10 Posts: 116
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    temptation plays major role in if someone cheats again
  • PantalaNagaPampa
    PantalaNagaPampa Posts: 1,031 Member
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    I have to say False, at least for some.

    I cheated on my first wife, like it was a hobby. That is what happens when you marry at 19/20 becasue you have a kid on the way and are not in love.. yes, it happened. I am not proud of it, but it is factual.

    She was the only SO I have ever cheated on. I am now a happily married man and would never consider cheating on my wife, she is the one I live for and therefore no other could take me away... now you know, if Jessica alba came knocking on the door and was looking for a three way with me and the wife.. I think that is OK.. It's like my wife says "it's not cheating if my husbands watching"
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,690 Member
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    It depends on the person. Everyone makes mistakes, if someone is otherwise good, and honest, I'd be inclined to give them a second chance. On the other hand, there are people who probably aren't going to change, but they're qualitatively different from people who have made mistakes. It can be tricky to tell the difference at first, but it usually shows after a while.
  • andreacord
    andreacord Posts: 928
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    Then there are the cheaters who make the biggest mistake of their life. They're remorseful, they're disgusted with themselves and will do anything to make it right. These usually will never cheat again because they're terrified at the hurt they caused. Also, these folks will stay away from anything remotely close to cheating because they know how easy the slippery slope is. These are cheaters who once were.. but not always will be.

    Been there once, and all 3 parties ended up being hurt. NEVER would do it again, I still feel terrible.
  • jessicaann05
    jessicaann05 Posts: 67
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    I always say there are 2 types of cheaters...

    One type cheats like there's no tomorrow. You can say they don't have a conscious. They do it for whatever reason and usually don't think about the consequences. These cheaters I'd say will always be cheaters. It's a condition of the heart. Even if they physically stop cheating, they'll always play around with the idea. They'll enjoy playing with fire w/o the burn.

    Then there are the cheaters who make the biggest mistake of their life. They're remorseful, they're disgusted with themselves and will do anything to make it right. These usually will never cheat again because they're terrified at the hurt they caused. Also, these folks will stay away from anything remotely close to cheating because they know how easy the slippery slope is. These are cheaters who once were.. but not always will be.

    ^^This^^
  • Sh1tsRainbows
    Sh1tsRainbows Posts: 1,227 Member
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    I always say there are 2 types of cheaters...

    One type cheats like there's no tomorrow. You can say they don't have a conscious. They do it for whatever reason and usually don't think about the consequences. These cheaters I'd say will always be cheaters. It's a condition of the heart. Even if they physically stop cheating, they'll always play around with the idea. They'll enjoy playing with fire w/o the burn.

    Then there are the cheaters who make the biggest mistake of their life. They're remorseful, they're disgusted with themselves and will do anything to make it right. These usually will never cheat again because they're terrified at the hurt they caused. Also, these folks will stay away from anything remotely close to cheating because they know how easy the slippery slope is. These are cheaters who once were.. but not always will be.

    ^THIS
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,690 Member
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    I have to say False, at least for some.

    I cheated on my first wife, like it was a hobby. That is what happens when you marry at 19/20 becasue you have a kid on the way and are not in love.. yes, it happened. I am not proud of it, but it is factual.

    She was the only SO I have ever cheated on. I am now a happily married man and would never consider cheating on my wife, she is the one I live for and therefore no other could take me away... now you know, if Jessica alba came knocking on the door and was looking for a three way with me and the wife.. I think that is OK.. It's like my wife says "it's not cheating if my husbands watching"

    I like your wife. (Although I'd go a step further and say it's not cheating if your partner knows and approves.)

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