married - joining finances/seperate - HELP!

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  • itgeekwoman
    itgeekwoman Posts: 804 Member
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    I still have a difficult time determining why it would be separate. Legally at least in the USA it's a split once you sign that paper. Just stick it all in the pot and share it out. I hate to say it, but wage parity for women still isn't where it should be and in many cases women still don't make the same money as a man for doing the same work.

    Argue if you like, but that is the truth. I know I don't make the same as a male counterpart would. A partnership is just that. spend together and go broke together!
    :)
  • eolivero
    eolivero Posts: 37
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    Married 15 years - from day one made it simple:

    1) Account A - ALL $$ deposited - tithe, bills paid, money saved, all normal expenses (cars, gas, food, etc.)
    2) Account B - her mad money
    3) Account C - his mad money

    Combined income is COMBINED. Pay your GOD, Pay your BILLS, Pay YOURSELF.

    Money is always a topic of discussion and source of aurguements if you don't have a BUDGET and a PLAN. Check out a Dave Ramsey book. Every PENNY should be spoken for before it's earned.
  • BeetleChe13
    BeetleChe13 Posts: 498 Member
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    My husband also makes almost 3xs what I do, and we decided to keep our finances separate for independence sake. (We both don't want to know what each other wastes our money on.) Now that we're married, we still split the bills 50/50 like we did when we lived together, but I am trying to convince him that this isn't fair, especially since I do everything by myself like cooking and cleaning. His idea of compromise is paying for things I need but don't have the extra to afford (like an oil change this week). It still seems unfair to me, but it works for now. He says he sees it as "our money," but I hate asking him to pay for things. I think a fair trade would be for him to pay for all of our shared bills, since I barely make enough to pay my own bills and still get by.
  • BeetleChe13
    BeetleChe13 Posts: 498 Member
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    I live with my partner and we have a similar situation... Now let me say before I get jumped all over - we are NOT married, we are NOT engaged, we have been together 3 years and we live in MY house which I purchased over 5 years ago way before I met him so we only have a joint account to cover the basics for our living situation. Here is how we work it:

    We took all of our bills - mortgage, all utilities, grocery fund (fixed amount a month), flex fund (fixed amount a month to spend on house or pets) and totaled that up - lets say that comes to 100 bucks a month (I wish!!!)
    Then if person A makes 10 dollars and B makes 2 dollars then A pays 84% of the bills which would be 84 dollars and B puts in the other 16% towards the bills which would be 16 bucks...

    Any money we each make beyond those amount is our own money to spend on whatever we like, person A ends up paying a lot more out of pocket but because they make more and this is all fine and dandy only if person B appreciates all the work person A does to make that money. Also, person B is the person who does 84% of the housework while person A only does about 16% - and here person A needs to appreciate person B.

    Even though its not all shared and not all 50/50 doesn't mean its dysfunctional or that our relationship isn't balanced we just work this out so person B can learn some financial responsibility since they came into the relationship with an excessive amount of debt and a lack of financial knowledge and person A can learn to share a little better and learn to appreciate the other aspects of the relationship beyond money.... relationship are always a work in progress, this is our way of working together and making sure we are able to make it work for the long run....

    Hope you are able to find some helpful information... whatever you decide, just make sure it makes you both happy :heart:

    This works for us too. And appreciation And communication makes for a wonderful relationship, and life.

    ^^THIS is how I want my husband to see things. Alas, he seriously underappreciates my work around the house, at least when it is supposed to equal monetary value.
  • runnercheryl
    runnercheryl Posts: 1,314 Member
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    I will say (and not being critical, just interested), being someone who shares all bills 50/50 but keeps finances separate, I'm amazed how many people say they keep their finances separate but then expect the partner earning more to pay more of the bills.
  • BeetleChe13
    BeetleChe13 Posts: 498 Member
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    I will say (and not being critical, just interested), being someone who shares all bills 50/50 but keeps finances separate, I'm amazed how many people say they keep their finances separate but then expect the partner earning more to pay more of the bills.

    Why does keeping finances separate imply a 50/50 split? I think proportionality makes more sense. Just my example, but my husband referred to any extra income as "play money." So he gets lots of "play money" while I beg for gas money. Maybe we should have combined finances, but I'd rather not know how much he spends on video games. It has to do more with our reasons for why we kept things separate than making bills an even split. As roommates, 50/50 works. Married, not so much.
  • runnercheryl
    runnercheryl Posts: 1,314 Member
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    Why does keeping finances separate imply a 50/50 split?

    No, I didn't mean that, probably worded it wrong. More, the only time when you'd see a split was when finances were separate - otherwise, it'd be irrelevant. I'm just surprised to see how often things are done proportionally - I wasn't expecting that to be so common.
  • BeetleChe13
    BeetleChe13 Posts: 498 Member
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    Why does keeping finances separate imply a 50/50 split?

    No, I didn't mean that, probably worded it wrong. More, the only time when you'd see a split was when finances were separate - otherwise, it'd be irrelevant. I'm just surprised to see how often things are done proportionally - I wasn't expecting that to be so common.

    Oh, okay. I think it's a psychological thing. Your finances are really combined, just with the perception that they're separate. I have to go explain to my hubby now that we're combining our finances from now on. ;) In separate accounts still.
  • kittyinaz
    kittyinaz Posts: 300 Member
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    This is the situation that my fiance and I have and plan to continue having once we are married. However, it's not causing any problems for us. I think it just really depends on the couple and from the sound of it, they aren't getting along very well.

    I will always keep my finances separate from my partner because I've worked too hard to have anything possibly go wrong. Granted that might seem like I don't trust him with my money... and I don't! But I don't think anyone should trust anyone with their money. If I made it, it's mine unless I feel like sharing.

    I figure as long as I can pay for me, that's all that matters. I don't want to (and won't) pay for any partner's bills and/or debt. I shouldn't have to take on his debt that he had before me. That's not fair to how hard I've worked to have perfect credit.

    But like I said, the way we have our finances currently works for us with no problems or hard feelings.
  • kasafrass
    kasafrass Posts: 50 Member
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    I agree with the saying "what's mine is yours" when you're married, so I believe a married couple should share a bank account and deal with the bills together.
  • cleoleigh
    cleoleigh Posts: 76 Member
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    All expenses should be joined. Then, each person puts in for every bill based on percentage. If a) makes 100,000 and b) makes 25,000 then a) pays 75% of each bill and b) pays 25%.

    This way each contributes their "fare share" so to say.

    OR

    everything goes in one pot and everything gets paid from that pot... no a) and b) crap.

    However, A sounds like they are on a power trip and so who knows if A would be up for either one. LOL Good luck
  • ShellyMacchi
    ShellyMacchi Posts: 975 Member
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    maybe it's already been said, but i just have not read all the replies..

    i agree with those suggesting each puts a % into a joint account, for bills etc, based on how much each earns...

    however, while oldschool (as many mentioned) dictates all finances are shared once married... i would urge B (assuming this is the wife) to keep her own credit card in her name (solely) as well as her pay going directly (via direct deposit) into her own acct.
    She can link that acct with the shared joint acct for ease of transferring her share into it. (Obviously A would do the same).

    Why bother?
    Well, speaking from experience, while you don't want to think about the marriage possibly ending.. the fact is you never know what will happen.. and if everything is joint.. the wife will have lost aLOT of credibility with the bank in regards to her own personal credit rating...it can be like starting over, financially, trying to establish yourself as having a good credit score if you had nothing in your name alone all the years you were married.

    Keeping your own credit actively being maintained by you alone goes a long way to landing with your feet under you if things don't work out down the road.

    Not fun.
  • beccyleigh
    beccyleigh Posts: 847 Member
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    maybe it's already been said, but i just have not read all the replies..

    i agree with those suggesting each puts a % into a joint account, for bills etc, based on how much each earns...

    however, while oldschool (as many mentioned) dictates all finances are shared once married... i would urge B (assuming this is the wife) to keep her own credit card in her name (solely) as well as her pay going directly (via direct deposit) into her own acct.
    She can link that acct with the shared joint acct for ease of transferring her share into it. (Obviously A would do the same).

    Why bother?
    Well, speaking from experience, while you don't want to think about the marriage possibly ending.. the fact is you never know what will happen.. and if everything is joint.. the wife will have lost aLOT of credibility with the bank in regards to her own personal credit rating...it can be like starting over, financially, trying to establish yourself as having a good credit score if you had nothing in your name alone all the years you were married.

    Keeping your own credit actively being maintained by you alone goes a long way to landing with your feet under you if things don't work out down the road.

    Not fun.

    100% agree, I am reading alot of women who are the lesser earner or SAHM saying "unless you plan for divorce I don't see why they should be separate". Well, who the hell plans for divorce, a husband can just up & leave one day (or die) & then what do you do?

    What do you do if your money source decides to cut you off, cancel your card to their account or has formed a drug/gambling habit without your knowledge (it happens & quite often the wife is the last to know) & one day you find your home being repossessed or not enough for food for the kids in the bank account but you have nothing in your own name or even a small personal fund for any emergency. Starting out again with no personal credit score will make it hard to even get a rental agreement or an overdraft if needed.

    Really, there is nothing unromantic with both spouses having a joint account for bills & then personal accounts for their own spending money.

    And if you are the lesser earner where your spouse expects you to pay fully half of all bills but you still do most of the household, childcare type work then personally I would send them a monthly invoice based on hours worked at the local pay scale for that type of job.
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
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    separate finances based on what each can afford. If you earn more, you pay more toward joint expenses. I dont think A should be paying off B's debt!

    I beleive in retaining independence within a relationship, but its got to be dealth with in a fair way when there's such a huge discepencey in earnings.

    Good luck :flowerforyou:
  • HeidiMightyRawr
    HeidiMightyRawr Posts: 3,343 Member
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    I live with my partner (not married) and we share finances.

    My money + his money = Total
    Total - all the bills&expenses = Leftover money
    Leftover / 2 = money each.

    We do money each, mainly because I like to shop, but I'd feel bad if I went and bought looooads if it was coming out of "our" money. So this is the guilt free way :D But all the bills and money put aside for food is all sorted first from the total, as soon as we get paid, so we don't have a set amount that we pay each towards that.
  • mkrbksd
    mkrbksd Posts: 7 Member
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    For the majority of my 18 year, happy marriage, my salary has been at least double my husband's. I absolutely believe you need to join finances and be involved in managing them together.

    We are partners in life, therefore; partners in everything.

    It's a matter of respect and trust. If you can't trust your spouse with the finances, you need to take a hard look at your relationship.
  • thirtyandthriving
    thirtyandthriving Posts: 613 Member
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    Not technicially married but we have been together for 13 years and officially living together for 6 of them. We have a joint account that we pay equal amounts of dollars into every month that covers all living expenses, childcare, and health insurance. Our own bills are our own bills. However, there is only a 10k difference in our pay, so it's not a big deal and evens out in the end. In your circumstance I would say A) pay 70% of total living expenses and B) pays 30% that would be fair. Put that amount into a joint checking account and keep the rest seperate. I am the one with the most "outside" expenses and I don't think that it would be fair to for my partner to pay for those.
  • xTenaciousJx
    xTenaciousJx Posts: 555
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    agree here...ours were separate until we got married.
    The way I see it is up until marriage all finances could be kept seperate. Once married, finances should be joined. You are a "joined" couple, so everything should be joined.
  • bethdris
    bethdris Posts: 1,090 Member
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    No matter what our incomes were when hubby and I got married our checks went into 1 acct and we payeed ALL the bills out of that, if there was anything left we could do something fun or put it aside...I can see where money is a hugh topic in some marriages. A should have thought harder about marrying apparently, if B's earning potential was the same after marriage as before.

    In some states, once your married you marry them AND their debt even if you divorce...you get their debt...fun huh?
  • recriger
    recriger Posts: 245 Member
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    the wife and I chose eachother, as we were at those moments. That means we chose all things. How we do it is that there are 3 accounts. The majority of our paychecks are deposited into the Joint account. We each also have a personal account which we use for gas, known prescriptions, chiropractor if needed and we get an allowance. That sounds funny but the wife in an accountant by trade. This way we both have our "own" money that we can spend or blow how we see fit. All the money in the joint account is then used for bills or savings for the house. This keeps us from inadvertantly overdrawing that joint account with both of us using it.

    I don't personally care about the pay difference. I make more than her, and a few years ago I found out that she was giving herself a smaller allowance because of it. We both bring something to the union, otherwise it wouldn't work. So in my mind if one person is allowed more of the family money we both work for then that one person is sitting right on the edge of "Better". That just isn't so and will do nothing but cause problems.

    Seperate but equal never worked in the real world, why would it work in a family? You have to change the way you think of money if you want to stay together. You can't say "I make" and "she makes", it has to be "The family makes", and ignore which deposits are bigger.

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