My boyfriend is missing

VTXJOCKEY · February 2012

This was an amazing thread. This poor girl who is just beside herself comes on here looking for support and peace of mind. The majority of you provided that to her. I applaud you. But.... there's alway's those insensitive people who have to put in their two cents. Obviously, their Mom never told them if they didn't have something useful to say, just keep their mouth shut. I was just amazed by the amount of drama that surfaced from this cry for help. I'm glad your BF made it home safely. And I do think when he sobers up, you def need to put your foot down. Best of luck to you!

scotslass · February 2012

I am so so glad he is safe and well!! There is nothing worse than that stomach churning feeling. big hugs to you and your little girl xxxxxx

chrissym78 · February 2012

Wow! Sorry you're going through this! I gotta say though, you can't make a leopard change his spots. I agree with some others that it's ultimatum time. You have to protect yourself and your child and NO ONE should put you through this crap! Good luck to you!

Cheryl943 · February 2012

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please ignore any posting that makes you feel like you are responsible for your BF's choices. You could not stop him from doing whatever it is he decided to do. I am glad you have reported this to the police. You can also call his therapist and see if they can also speak to the officer. Sometimes their opinion is more respected than a loved one, saying someone may be a danger to themselves. Start circling the troops around you. You need all the support you can get right now.

Alanon is a great resource for families of abusers. I hope he is found safe and sound so you can hold him responsible for his actions and the stress he caused. Intervention time? Good luck and I hope all turns out well for you and your family.

grinch031 · February 2012

Can't say I blame the police for not putting out a community manhunt for this guy. I'm sure they deal with drunks/drug addicts who disappear for hours all the time.

Anyways my advice is to not do this guy any more favors. The only help he needs from you is support during rehab. If he doesn't straighten up soon, I'd ditch him. Your life will probably be a lot better without someone who is abusing substances and causing everyone problems.

Good luck, glad he is at least ok.

mleoni092708 · February 2012

I'm so glad they found him ok. I'm sorry, but I agree with the above dear. You can't keep living like this. It's not fair to anyone. It's time to force him to take responsibility for himself. Letting him know he will lose you and your daughter might be the kick in the pants he needs to go back to rehab, and get back on antidepressants. Hope things get better soon

skinnybearlyndsay · February 2012

Glad he's home and safe. Keys and debit cards can be replaced.

I will echo other advice, though. He NEEDS more help than he has been getting. The counseling is not working. You feel like you're beating your head against a brick wall and it's starting to really hurt. Think of your child - would you want her to grow up thinking that this behavior from a man is acceptable, that it's normal? Once he sobers up, you have to talk to him about what you've been through and, as much as I hate it, give him an ultimatum. You and your BF have a child together and if he's not ready or willing to be a positive role model for her, then it's time to walk.

Keep us updated on what happens, please. Prayers will continue to be said for you and your family.

Angela_Freeborn · February 2012

Thought id read through all posts first..
I cant say i know what you are going through, however you have quite a bit of good support and great people who care here

No need to be embarassed, or feel like your a burdon, We all have our own situations at some point in our lifetime were we look to others for "support". Im glad he is home no matter what condition he may be in, main thing is he is home safe. And as an adult yourself im sure you will do what you feel is right from here on, not what others feel you should or should'nt have done/do

Time is what everyone needs no matter the situation, take it day by day and you will determine what path you feel you should make... Take care hun.

AmyNaylor7205 · February 2012

Glad to hear that he is home and safe. BUT I WOULD BE PISSED TOO!! After he sobers up, I would give him an ultimatum.. Either he gets help, or you and your kid are leaving.

Thats what I would do anyways. I wouldnt want my child growing up in situations like that. I'm not saying you should throw him down, you should be supportive to him if he decides to get help. But if he does not, it is your MOST IMPORTANT RESPONSIBILITY to take care of you and your child!

GOOD LUCK!

MelanieAG05 · February 2012

Just been reading through this thread..........what wonderful support you have all (almost all!) given this lady in her time of need. Its is a credit to MFP. And then to give practical advice at the end as well........Fantastic!!

I used to have a b/f who suffered depression and, no matter what support I gave him he just would not help himself and in the end I left him to it and moved on with my life. I wasted 2 years thinking I could help/support him and got nothing in return and he was dragging me down. The main reason I left him was because I have a son who at the time was 3 and this b/f (not son's father) was having a negative impact on his life as well.........

I really hope that your man buys into the support you give him and helps himself eventually.

Good luck for the future :flowerforyou:

annalee_1 · February 2012

I am just making a suggestion here, I am married to someone that did the same things. He joined AA and found the support he needed and I joined Al-Anon so I could learn how to deal with him and be supported by people going thru the same thing. You cannot fix, counsel or make him not drink this is something he has to decide he wants to fix he has to be ready, sometimes rock bottom is the only start they get.

WilliamsPeggy · February 2012

Wow. What a stressful night you've had. I'm so glad your boyfriend turned up alive. Thinking of you during the next challenge that you face. Prayers for strength & healing for both him & you. :flowerforyou:

auroranflash · February 2012

I wish to God someone had told me the same thing. Wasted 7 years of my life with a guy who I thought was the love of my life, but everyone around me could tell he treated me disrespectfully, drinking and pilling and putting me in danger, psychologically, verbally and emotionally abusing me. It was only when I got out of the situation and looked back that I realized how sordid the situation all was, and how everyone was looking at me to hold things together. I blamed myself when I couldn't, but it wasn't my fault. Everyone expected me to keep it all in line, but no one (his family) expected anything out of him. And when I finally had enough and left, *I* was the bad guy. Despite all the times I saved his life by taking his keys and babysitting him, hiding the pistol before he could stumble into the closet to find it and blow his brains out, or keep him from walking into traffic in a stupor.

Even though I put my entire life on hold for the guy I loved, when I finally said "I NEED THINGS TOO", I was the selfish one, the biggest b@#$% ever. When I moved out, I expected him to at least try to get me back by attempting sobriety, but it just got worse. He invited me over to hang out one night, but when I got there he was already passed out.

That was almost two years ago. I am still repairing myself from the emotional scars it left. I was with him from 18-25. Very crucial years of my life wasted on someone who swore up and down he loved me, but would get raging drunk, punch walls and call me awful names. Never hit me (if he had, he probably would have ended up in the hospital...), but the psychological damage his immature, selfish behaviour inflicted is something I am still recovering from today.

I hope any of my pain can go toward opening your eyes. You don't HAVE to be with him... you CHOOSE to be with him. You can love somebody and then realize that you just can't BE with them because you can't tolerate the way they treat you or the way they choose to live their life.

Recovery is a process, but he has to make adamant steps to prove to you that this life together with you is something he is dedicated to working on.

God bless and take care

MaximalLife · February 2012

^^^^
THIS
I too held my peace. Look at how alcoholics make themselves the center of the universe?
Had it been me, I would have just gone about my business without a care in the world.

No way was I going to post that. The snivelers would have reacted in a predictable way so typical of our enabling culture.
And addicts thrive on that reaction. They count on it. That attitude works well for them.
No, I do not play that game with anybody, including my own family.
People engaged in self-destructive behavior are people I detach from for my own sake. I have buried too many friends and family members who were addicts.

I won't be pulled into that mire. I hope you folks find your way out.

At the end of the day, it's always a choice.

norma67 · February 2012

Oh sweetie you have had a heck of a night.
I am really happy that it all turned out ok in the end
don't listen to those who came on here to throw there two cents worth of non-support

I like to think of MFP as a large family that helps each other through emotional stress
as well as other parts of our lifes

((((hugs))))
now take a few deep breathes and try to let the stress go
wishing you only the best

wickedcricket · February 2012

ok. YOU cannot save this person. But he CAN drag YOU down. Tell him to get help and DUMP HIS *kitten*- NO CONTACT until he can PROVE HE'S HAD TREATMENT- not IN treatment... not 'working on it'

You won't listen to me and you'll throw away your life on him thinking 'oh, it's worth it'
IT IS NOT

I am 55 years old and I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. GET OUT while you still have a a chance at a life- YOU ARE NOT A PROFESSIONAL PSYCHIATRIST AND YOU CANNOT HELP OR SAVE THIS PERSON.

get on with YOUR life. make YOUR life about YOU- not this man's demons. OR keep doing what you're doing and regret it when you're 45
your call

EmCarroll1990 · February 2012

This. A lot of times they'll say you need to wait 24 hours prior to calling a missing person. But you need to stress that he had talked about suicide and such prior to him leaving. You need to stress the urgency.

Edit: Just read through the last 8 pages trying to figure out if you found him or not. Thank the universe you did. Now is when you need to have a serious talk with him. My main concern is that you have a child and that beautiful child should not feel any of the stress that is being brought upon your house. I wish you the best of luck and am sending you a friend request.

Siannah · February 2012

(Pssst, he's back)

Doughgirl66 · February 2012

I have been reading the posts ... so glad he is ok but like you I would be pissed too... I have a brother that we tried to get help for, he is an alcoholic. But that didn't work... and now we are *****es.. lol But we tried.. He need to be ready to get help and I hope he gets the help he needs because you and your little one shouldn't have to live like this. I am very glad he is home safe and sound and like another poster said, maybe give him an ultimatum and either get help or you guys are leaving. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys.

nygiantschick · February 2012

sorry you have to go through all of this. Sounds like he needs more help than you can provide. Hope everything turns out okay for the both of you.

grobbygru · February 2012

It's called co-dependency..................

slayerdan · February 2012

Ok I read just the thread starters comments up until she said he came home. As a mental health counselor and working directly with suicidal people for 10+ years, I am appalled that your potentially drunk, depressed, suicidal boyfriend is out and your concerned and you turn to myfitnesspal for support? WTF? What is wrong with that? Police, family, hospitals....posting to mfp like any of us know him is insane. I do realize in these scenarios, the police are usually worthless---they are there to enforce laws, not find people. So for that and their ignorant comments I am sorry----but I tell my patients families this every day: if you want to stay with me, get into treatment. I understand he is human and you cant make him, doesnt mean you sit around while he spirals either.....he either gets help, or you get out.....its unfair to you and a child to go through that ifhe refuses to get help. Enabling and sitting there is not fair.

For anyone that reads this and doesnt like my comments---kiss my fat. I have been doing crisis work since 1998 and I know what I am talking about...when you live w a family member that has a mental illness or sub abuse problem, just sitting by and watching is wrong for all parties involved. research and treatment based modalities back up everything I said.

D

grobbygru · February 2012

These two ^^^^^ - suicidal my *kitten* - addicts are too full of their own self importance for that!!!
Get as far away from him as you can girl!!!!

alimac92 · February 2012

This sounds like brilliant advice from someone who has been there.

I am glad he came home safe but I really don't envy you how he returned home.
I hope you find the happiness you deserve because you sound like a wonderful caring person who does deserves more.

ilookthetype · February 2012

Solid advice here. I'm glad he's home and safe, not it's time to protect yourself and your child.

jaajh · February 2012

So very glad that he turned up safely (if a bit worse for wear!) Will be continuing to pray for you - especially though the hard day you have ahead of you (and those that follow). Don't feel bad about anything that you did last night. So glad you could come on here for support and that your sister-in-law came as soon as you called. USE that support network you have - sounds like you might need it. Stay strong - and give that child a big hug this morning too!

emy10284 · February 2012

well first of all im sorry u had to go though all this i can imagine you are wrung out emotionally and yet u still have a child to care for today . but i agree with another comment DO NOT LIE FOR HIM hold him accountable for his actions and yes he needs help for himself and for his childs sake

mhotch · February 2012

The only thing I would like to add to some very good advice above, is: he needs to get help, and he probably needs an ultimatum to do it. I would make him do it today, while this whole situation is very vivid in your mind. The ultimatum is, do it today or find another place to sleep tonight! DO NOT compromise on this at all. You have a child who is in a potentially dangerous situation. Your child's welfare is the first and foremost priority in your life!

his_kid1 · February 2012

Agree completely.

vanillasugar · February 2012

I too was waiting to hear the outcome before posting and glad that he made it home and sorry you had such a stressful night. I have also been there and can only echo what others have said about getting out for you and your child. You may love this man, and you may want to help him, but you cannot save him and you don't have to stay in the situation to offer help.

Your best help to him will be to NOT lie for him, NOT help him clean himself up when he comes in drunk and wet/dirty, NOT make excuses for him.

I debated on how much info to put out here on a public forum, but will say this - I gave my husband numerous "ultimatums". I would tell him if things didn't change in 6 months, I was going to leave. But 6 months would come and go, no change, I would give another ultimatum, and repeated this behavior for too many years before finally saying "enough."

It wasn't until I walked out the door that he realized I was actually going to leave. And he did change - for a short while. But when I did not return right away like he thought I would, he returned to his drinking for several more years. He did finally quit drinking but by then, for me, it was too late. *Now* he realizes what he gave up and I know he regrets it. But I regret spending too many years worrying about whether or not he was going to wreck the only family car, whether or not he was going to end up killing himself or someone else, or whether or not he would end up hurting me or one of our kids.

Our kids didn't realize at the time that it was for the best and I am sure they mourned not having mom and dad together. But as adults now, they realize that they wished for the "fantasy" of having mom and dad together, not the reality that was the constant fighting and screaming and worrying and destructive behavior that was their life before I left.

(((hugs)))

My boyfriend is missing

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