Working Moms vs. Stay at Home Moms

ishallnotwant

Personally I feel the big thing with working (if you have a good job that is) is your financial independence from your husband and also setting a good example to your child. I don't say how you can encourage your child to work hard at school for instance and pass those exams if she sees you don't work. She will assume she will also not work so not bother. I personally feel it sets a better example to children. I like that my daughter knows I have business meetings and customers etc even though she's only 4 I think shes' pretty proud of me.

Why would I want to be financially independent of my husband? We are a team. He works and brings home the money to support us, and I work at home taking care of our family and using that money properly so that he is blessed by it being spent wisely. I think keeping the home is a beautiful thing.

Too many women aren't home for children nowadays and that is one reason so many children are running around unsupervised and making poor choices. Everyone is so busy at work that mothers aren't home to mother anymore. Women are growing up not knowing how to care for their homes and families because nobody took them under their wing and taught them. I'm one of the few stay at home moms in my neighborhood and guess who all the neighborhood kids come to to talk to? Guess whose house they hang out at because their parents aren't home? Guess who knows more about my neighbors' children than their own parents do? Seriously, some of these kids get little to no positive attention at home whatsoever. It's heartbreaking. I think it sets a good example to my girls to show them how to be a good wife and mommy-to be an example and show them how I respect my husband for being a hard worker and being a good man-and to encourage them to grow up and respect their future husband as well. God gave me these children, not somebody else, and it is my job to take care of them. I feel that it is a very important job. I think it is also important that I am here to take care of my husband. I am not looking for some important respect in the world's eyes. My family comes first. I'm glad my children know that business meetings and customers will never come before them and that I don't care to build some big name in the eyes of the world, my world is my family.

I don't mind having to be creative with my budget, or drive an old clunker of a van. I don't need a giant house, big screen tv, or the latest I phone. I think it's more important for me to be there when my family comes home. To be here when the school calls and says my child is sick, to be able to go pick them up (without asking my boss if I can take the time off, having to ask someone else to go get them, etc.), make them chicken soup, and cuddle in bed with them watching PBS cartoons. To serve a meal that I happily spent hours cooking, if that's what I choose to do that day. To be able to drop everything and hop on our bikes and go for a ride whenever we feel like it because i'm home to do it. To be able to grow our little garden and hang out with my children watching it grow, and then pick fresh veggies with them for our meals. To have them in the kitchen with me, showing them how to cook for their family. To sit at the dining table and do homework with them every day, and then sit next to them at the piano and supervise their practice. To spend a relaxing evening teaching them how to crochet, how to sew, or relax and read them a book or Bible story. To greet my husband happily at the front door when he comes home, and serve him a nice hot plate of dinner. To be home to tuck my children in every night and pray with them-because i'm not busy working overtime to pay credit card bills for unnecessary items I shouldn't bought in the first place. I want to be an ever present source of comfort for them, it is my job. It's all these things and more...keeping the home is such a beautiful job, and it affects not only my husband and 5 children, it also affects the kids who come over for dinner, to hang out in our home to escape the fighting or drug use going on in their own, who go on outings with us and learn how to have fun without giving in to our rough neighborhood's gangs or drugs. I think so many people underestimate the importance of a stay at home mom who actually not only gives their time to their family, but to other children who don't have someone at home to give time to them as well. I love what I do-and let me tell you, it is work. We are called to show hospitality to others, and we can't do that if we are not home.

I'm not saying all working moms need to be home...but if someone is working just to keep up their fancy car payment, their giant house payment, and all that other unnecessary, keep up with the Joneses type stuff, and leaving their child/ren unsupervised or to be raised in some daycare facility, maybe they should really weigh their priorities.

ETA: and this is going to sound mean or harsh, I guess, but "I couldn't stay home with my kids because I would be bored to death" just doesn't sound like an excuse to me. Take up a hobby, spend time with your kids-there are so many things you could be doing.

I don't think "I needed adult interaction" is an excuse, either. You're a gown person, Get out of your house and meet other adults. Your child isn't stopping you. I took my kids everywhere, and still do. They are not a burden or hindrance, they are my children. People act like when you have kids your life stops.

I also don't think it should be SAHM vs. working moms either. I really do think most moms try to do what is best for their children. Some have no choice but to work.

abfit4life

There is no us versus them...you choose....and I choose what we each believe is best for each of our families. When we decided to have children, my husband and I knew that we were going to structure our lives to be as available to our children as possible. I worked as a journalist and he was an aerospace engineer. In the 13 years since our son was born I turned to publishing, freelance writing and editing, catering and even an adjunct professorship working evenings. When our daughter was born 3 years after our son, I knew I couldn't do it all so I retreated drastically for several years. Both children are doing exceptionally well at schools for the gifted learners and participate actively in scouting and a variety of sports and enrichment programs. Three years ago my husband took a buy out and retired early so he too can share more quality and quantity time with our children. This was OUR plan and we are living the kind of life we want for OUR family. We know this is neither the desire or possibility for many but that's the beauty of living in a free society...YOU CHOOSE!!

quietlywinning

I do believe this is the correct assessment. We each have to determine what is best for OUR OWN FAMILY, based on the needs, wishes, finances and whatever else we have to deal with. I have been both, and have been happy in both. Why? Because I have always known that what I was doing was best for my family at that point in time. I assume other moms, whether they work at home, from home, away from home or all of the above (or none of the above, I knew a mom with no outside job who hired a nanny and housekeeper), are all doing what they believe to be the best for THEIR FAMILY. Nobody has any right to judge or criticize how someone else raises their family.

So, can it be said that each person chooses what works best for them? If you work or stay at home, are you happy? How do you add in exercise?

Teirza

I always thought a stay at home mom is a working mom! She probably works harder than most do in their career!

:laugh: This is a joke and one that I am sick of hearing!

Only someone who has never had to do both would assume this to be true. Working moms do twice the work (at least) since most don't have the luxury of having someone else do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, homework help, shuttling kids to practice and activities, etc.

I may spend 8 hours a day at work, but I also spend another 8 hours or so doing the same stuff SAHMs get to spread out over the course of a whole day. I do most of my housework after the kids go to bed and before they get up in the morning, and that's only when I don't have a 10pm conference call - I try like hell not to waste the time we do have together - so the only times I am not with them is while they're at school or asleep!

Take a walk in my shoes someday - and maybe you'll change your mind.

+1.

Add to it that I am a single mom and also a full-time student. I *WISH* I could work OR be a full-time student OR be a full-time mom - instead of all 3.

A little perspective. You don't do ALL the things a SAHM mom does. She makes 3 meals in her kitchen, so she'll have 3 times the dishes of someone who just does dinner or a third more than someone who eats one meal outside of the home most days. She has children inside the home trashing the joint and cleans up after them, while the children in day care are trashing someone else's joint and then they (the staff or the kids) clean it up. I sub and the weeks I work 4-5 days a week my house is cleaner (because it doesn't get as messy) and I am more relaxed because i feel like I've gotten a break. The idea that working moms do twice is much simply isn't factual (unless you have in home care that doesn't clean up after themselves).

But the bottom line is this. Why waste time comparing these life situations? To make you feel better about your own choices? Each has their own line of guilt with it. Each has it's own brand of glory. Celebrate and support your friends in their situations. What do we give each other by telling the other that they're not as good as, not as hard of a worker, not as __________ as someone else. It's simply nothing more than grown up bullying.

AnninStPaul

What does all of this say about dads? That they are not "real parents" because they are assumed to have paid employment while supposedly a mom has a choice? That's crap.

The non-working mom is a post-WWII invention. My mother's family is a long line of dairy farmers; EVERYBODY works on a farm. You're "at home", sure, but working. My father's family is a long line of ministers and ministers wives; the latter were historically assumed to be a part of the package and direct the choir, run the Ladies Aid, etc., and my grandmother taught music lessons (after school, so it's not like she had that time for her own kids).

Post war baby boomers were raised in a period of unusual economic growth, where a family could afford to have a non-income producing parent because their wants (and available consumer products) had not caught up with their income. We are in an more normal period, where many folks need two incomes for a healthy, safe lifestyle.

Personally, my beef is with the "ladies who lunch" types who have a nanny so they can play tennis and socialize. If they are so fabulous, would they please invest their time in the community, using their abilities and contacts to address hunger, literacy, domestic abuse, and other such issues.

daffodilsoup

Sadly, the percentage that said they were "happy with their lives" was only 36% for both stay at home and working mothers.

I'll just leave this here: http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read/694465/I_hate_motherhood?next=1#comments

JustLena75

Hats off to those who do it. I freely admit that I would SUCK at being a SAHM. No desire whatsoever. I have a decent job that I enjoy. It provides good benefits for my family. I think it's better for my kid that I have a job...mama is much happier.

ishallnotwant

Sadly, the percentage that said they were "happy with their lives" was only 36% for both stay at home and working mothers.

I'll just leave this here: http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read/694465/I_hate_motherhood?next=1#comments

I feel so, so bad for the author's child.

violetness

I guess I am both, because i work full time (plus own my own business and go to school), but I do it all from home. I have always felt this was the best choice for my children, because my oldest son is autistic and had a very rough start in life. I love my job and would not trade it for the world, but have never felt that those who choose to work outside the home love their children any less than I love mine. We are ALL great moms!

niklynne

I have the best of both worlds! My job is 6 months on/ 6 off. Sucks that it is over the summer months... but I do still get to be home when my kids get home from school and most school functions are going on. That works well for us!

JanetLM73

I've done both. I stayed at home with my son for 2 years, he's 13 now.....my daughter is 5 and I've been home with her for 2.5 years, she is in school from 8:30-11. I was at the same office job for 9 years, but they shut down....I'm in college part time so once I get my certificate I'll be looking for a job.
I loved staying home with my kids, but I also love working because of the adult interaction.

sayfay

It is a personal choice however I think children benefit from having a stay at home parent (doesn't matter which one) until they go to school. In reality this isn't always possible.

My mother didn't work until both me and my sister started school and even then she worked inside of school hours so she was there every morning when we left and evening when we got home. It wasn't until we were both teenagers that she started working full-time.

My personal oppinion, and I apprieciate that this won't go down well with many, is that if you don't have time to parent your child and instead pay someone else to do it then you shouldn't have had a kid in the first place.

Now, I know how that sounds but it's directed purely to the situation when one parent COULD stay home but both CHOOSE not to during the early years.

So, I assume you homeschool as well? Or do you let your child's teacher parent her during the school age years?

sayfay

I always thought a stay at home mom is a working mom! She probably works harder than most do in their career!

:laugh: This is a joke and one that I am sick of hearing!

Only someone who has never had to do both would assume this to be true. Working moms do twice the work (at least) since most don't have the luxury of having someone else do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, homework help, shuttling kids to practice and activities, etc.

I may spend 8 hours a day at work, but I also spend another 8 hours or so doing the same stuff SAHMs get to spread out over the course of a whole day. I do most of my housework after the kids go to bed and before they get up in the morning, and that's only when I don't have a 10pm conference call - I try like hell not to waste the time we do have together - so the only times I am not with them is while they're at school or asleep!

Take a walk in my shoes someday - and maybe you'll change your mind.

+1.

Add to it that I am a single mom and also a full-time student. I *WISH* I could work OR be a full-time student OR be a full-time mom - instead of all 3.

A little perspective. You don't do ALL the things a SAHM mom does. She makes 3 meals in her kitchen, so she'll have 3 times the dishes of someone who just does dinner or a third more than someone who eats one meal outside of the home most days. She has children inside the home trashing the joint and cleans up after them, while the children in day care are trashing someone else's joint and then they (the staff or the kids) clean it up. I sub and the weeks I work 4-5 days a week my house is cleaner (because it doesn't get as messy) and I am more relaxed because i feel like I've gotten a break. The idea that working moms do twice is much simply isn't factual (unless you have in home care that doesn't clean up after themselves).

But the bottom line is this. Why waste time comparing these life situations? To make you feel better about your own choices? Each has their own line of guilt with it. Each has it's own brand of glory. Celebrate and support your friends in their situations. What do we give each other by telling the other that they're not as good as, not as hard of a worker, not as __________ as someone else. It's simply nothing more than grown up bullying.

Actually I do make three meals a day. I make breakfast, I pack lunch for myself and my daughter, and I make dinner. And my house gets very cluttered by the end of the week b/c I just don't have time to keep up with everything until the weekend.

My house was MUCH cleaner during the 6 months maternity leave I was home.

wendyannie1976

i'm a very full time busy career single mum to an amazing 3 year old, i went back to work and a new job when she was 6 months old, i do somehow work less now though can still clock up 90 hours in a week, i do lots from home after she goes to sleep, i sometimes get by on 20 hours sleep a week but thanks to an amazing boss i am still able to train hard and am doing an ironman this year. i start work later after dropping my daughter at the childminders or nursery depending on the day and train, sometimes i train at home - bike trainer and treadmill at home, i also bike with my daughter on board, i've run with her in the pushchair since she was 8 months old, we swim together so we spend lots of time together.

i couldnt be a stay at home mum, part time maybe but i've been career for so long and i love my job, i need the variety and challenges mentally and physically that i dont get staying at home, some think i'm a bad mum for saying it but i know what works for me and what makes me happy - don't get me wrong i still curse work somedays ;-)

sayfay

I don't believe that people should have children to have other people watch them...if you cant raise your own children then you shouldn't have any.I quit my job to have my son..I wasn't gonna pay for anyone to enjoy his smiles and funny words as he grows. Children need tons of attention...and I don't believe working people can always give them 100% attention..at the same time I know that some people financially need to work..so if that's the case then you should have kids if you can not afford to stay home..:)

Nice. So, only rich people should have kids. What happens if something happens to your husband and you become a single mom who HAS to work? Are you going to give your child up for adoption? I certainly hope so.

Also, good luck with homeschooling. I mean, I assume that is what you will do b/c god forbid someone else "raise" your child during his formative school years.

VictoriaFitness2010

I think what is often missed is the preference of the child. I am a full time graduate student and teaching fellow, therefore I have a very flexible schedule. I stayed at home with my two year old for 6 months after 1 1/2 years of preschool. What I found is that my baby LOVES going to school. When she stayed with me, she would ask about her baby friends ("Mama, where Reese?") and teachers. Despite my best efforts to create the best schedule (at least I thought), prepare daily lessons and trips to the park, and keep my baby stimulated, not only was I bored, but my kiddo was bored as well. She is back in school and she absolutely loves it. And her father and I love that she's there. As educators, we believe in formalized schooling.

But, this is just MY journey. I did enjoy spending a lot of time with my little baby. We shared a lot of precious moments that I am sure I would have missed had I been working. Parents have to make decisions that are best for their families. There are pros and cons to staying at home and being a full time working mom. However, children should not be overlooked in this discussion.

My best friend offered an interesting perspective. She's been a SAHM for over 6 years. Her first child is a social butterfly and needed to be challenged. So, she went to school at age 2. However, her youngest child requires a LOT of mommy's attention. My friend decided to wait a 1-2 years before introducing the youngest to school. In assessing her decision, she stated that it came down to one simple fact: all children are different. She had to learn the preferences of each child and make decisions accordingly.

sma83

You crack me up! :flowerforyou:

VictoriaFitness2010

Hmmm, looks like the conversation just got heated! Therein lies the problem.

If you are a SAHM, great! It's a very tough job and requires a lot of sacrifice and hard work, beyond what people give you credit for.

If you are a working mom, great! It's a very tough job and requires a lot of sacrifice and hard work, beyond what people give you credit for.

Ladies, when will we stop the "mommy wars"? We are fighting a war agains ourselves. We all want what's best for our families. It's ok to stay home and it's ok to work outside of the house. You are not a BAD parent if you work full time. You are NOT a bad parent if you stay home. Each situation poses a set of challenges.

Parents need to support each other versus pointing fingers, blaming, shaming, and making assumptions.

summerlancaster

Hats off to those who do it. I freely admit that I would SUCK at being a SAHM. No desire whatsoever. I have a decent job that I enjoy. It provides good benefits for my family. I think it's better for my kid that I have a job...mama is much happier.

This is me exactly!!

summerlancaster

Hmmm, looks like the conversation just got heated! Therein lies the problem.

If you are a SAHM, great! It's a very tough job and requires a lot of sacrifice and hard work, beyond what people give you credit for.

If you are a working mom, great! It's a very tough job and requires a lot of sacrifice and hard work, beyond what people give you credit for.

Ladies, when will we stop the "mommy wars"? We are fighting a war agains ourselves. We all want what's best for our families. It's ok to stay home and it's ok to work outside of the house. You are not a BAD parent if you work full time. You are NOT a bad parent if you stay home. Each situation poses a set of challenges.

Parents need to support each other versus pointing fingers, blaming, shaming, and making assumptions.

Love this! Amen!

sayfay

Hmmm, looks like the conversation just got heated! Therein lies the problem.

If you are a SAHM, great! It's a very tough job and requires a lot of sacrifice and hard work, beyond what people give you credit for.

If you are a working mom, great! It's a very tough job and requires a lot of sacrifice and hard work, beyond what people give you credit for.

Ladies, when will we stop the "mommy wars"? We are fighting a war agains ourselves. We all want what's best for our families. It's ok to stay home and it's ok to work outside of the house. You are not a BAD parent if you work full time. You are NOT a bad parent if you stay home. Each situation poses a set of challenges.

Parents need to support each other versus pointing fingers, blaming, shaming, and making assumptions.

Amen!

Women are our own worst enemies sometimes. We could spend this time building each other up for our respective choices, but instead we tear each other down. Don't get it.

Loveebbs

We all love our children and are doing what we think is best for them.

Thank you! I always hated this debate.

lour441

Can we get back on topic of SAHMs fighting with working mom's??? Thanks!

giggles1973

I knew there would be attacks on here when I read the title lol That being said, there is always guilt on either side. A working mom may feel like she doesn't have enough time with her kids and a STHM may feel she isn't contributing financially to the family. Why is it an issue or an argument? Women do what is best for their family. I truly believe if you are a good person with values and compassion your child sees that and learns to be a caring compassionate little person. And isn't that what we want for our kids? Don't we want them to be happy and giving and understanding members of society? Well having a mommy who loves them regardless if they stay home or work is what matters. I'm a stay at home mom and we have had to sacrifice a lot. But that was our choice. There shouldn't be a debate about who does more or who's kids are better off because they see mommy going to work. As long as our children know how much we love them and care about them and how much we love to be their mommy... That's all that matters

ThisisMiss

In regards to people who have sticks up their *kitten* - why do you care what other people do with their children? As long as they aren't hurting their children, I don't see how it is any of your business. Not everyone has the ability to stay home and care for their children. It does not make them any less of a good parent. I don't know if you know this, but we are all human. I'll let you in on a little secret about being a human: it's tough. Humans have no manuals or instructions. They just go about their lives trying their best (most of them anyway). No one knows what they are doing and there is no perfect or right way of doing anything. Just because someone is able to do something for their family (whether it be staying at home or working) doesn't automatically make them any better. Just because you stay at home doesn't make you any better than anyone else. What right does anyone have to judge anyone else?

Trust me, you are a far cry from being the perfect parent. And I direct this at everyone, even me.

As for my own situation - I stay at home and I work from home. I do the best I can with the situation I am in and that is that.

Renee0608

Who the H*LL cares as long as our children are cared for and not abused??? I hate these stupid "one is better than the other" wars. NO ONE IS BETTER THAN THE OTHER. Period end of story. I personally am a SAHM--have been since my daughter was born 5 years ago. While having been at home I have gone to school and received two degrees, also having another child in between those two degrees. We have been lucky to be able to comfortably live on just my husband's income. Now that my children are older, and entering school full time, I want to get out and work. Right now I have the luxury of working out whenever I feel like it--that will change hopefully by the end of the summer. I think both are equally tough for different reasons. And as far as one being happier than another?? I would bet there are bigger issues than the "SAHM" vs "working mom" crap....

Teirza

I always thought a stay at home mom is a working mom! She probably works harder than most do in their career!

:laugh: This is a joke and one that I am sick of hearing!

Only someone who has never had to do both would assume this to be true. Working moms do twice the work (at least) since most don't have the luxury of having someone else do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, homework help, shuttling kids to practice and activities, etc.

I may spend 8 hours a day at work, but I also spend another 8 hours or so doing the same stuff SAHMs get to spread out over the course of a whole day. I do most of my housework after the kids go to bed and before they get up in the morning, and that's only when I don't have a 10pm conference call - I try like hell not to waste the time we do have together - so the only times I am not with them is while they're at school or asleep!

Take a walk in my shoes someday - and maybe you'll change your mind.

+1.

Add to it that I am a single mom and also a full-time student. I *WISH* I could work OR be a full-time student OR be a full-time mom - instead of all 3.

A little perspective. You don't do ALL the things a SAHM mom does. She makes 3 meals in her kitchen, so she'll have 3 times the dishes of someone who just does dinner or a third more than someone who eats one meal outside of the home most days. She has children inside the home trashing the joint and cleans up after them, while the children in day care are trashing someone else's joint and then they (the staff or the kids) clean it up. I sub and the weeks I work 4-5 days a week my house is cleaner (because it doesn't get as messy) and I am more relaxed because i feel like I've gotten a break. The idea that working moms do twice is much simply isn't factual (unless you have in home care that doesn't clean up after themselves).

But the bottom line is this. Why waste time comparing these life situations? To make you feel better about your own choices? Each has their own line of guilt with it. Each has it's own brand of glory. Celebrate and support your friends in their situations. What do we give each other by telling the other that they're not as good as, not as hard of a worker, not as __________ as someone else. It's simply nothing more than grown up bullying.

Actually I do make three meals a day. I make breakfast, I pack lunch for myself and my daughter, and I make dinner. And my house gets very cluttered by the end of the week b/c I just don't have time to keep up with everything until the weekend.

My house was MUCH cleaner during the 6 months maternity leave I was home.

Yes, but by your own admition, you and your daughter aren't home during the day messing the house. If you can't see that this would result in more mess....well....then you are putting on some serious blinders. And really, what mess does a 6 month old make? None. Of course your house was clean then. You could put the baby in a jumparoo. Or a bouncey seat. Or a pack and play. Or if you didn't, and you spent your day filling your baby's life with the best activities to promote early learning, your baby, at most, crawled slowly.

The problem with this discussion is that both sides tend to throw up their hands to their eyes to form a little tunnel and scream "My life is the super hardest! I do the most!" and come off looking ridiculous. Who cares who does the most work? Just be supportive of other women who each have their own brand of struggle.

KMSForLife

This thread, quite frankly, is filled with a bunch of bulls**t. Not one "working" mother put down a SAHM but SOME of you SAHMs feel it appropriate to tell us that we are bad parents for the life we choose to live? How dare you be so arrogant and rude!

christine24t

This thread, quite frankly, is filled with a bunch of bulls**t. Not one "working" mother put down a SAHM but SOME of you SAHMs feel it appropriate to tell us that we are bad parents for the life we choose to live? How dare you be so arrogant and rude!

Very true. Not to point out anyone in particular, but there are a lot of judgy attitudes on here. Let's just all live our lives the way we want to! Some people want to stay home and some want to work, and one is not right and one is not wrong!

Ocarina

As a non-parent I plan on working full time when I have children. Mostly because I'd rather have a good chunk of money instead of pinching pennies and being stuck at home. I think it's awesome if you can pull it off but it's definitely not my think. I would use work as a bit of a "break" and a good way to keep myself out and about in the real world while still enjoying raising the children when off work. Probably sounds wrong but with a great babysitter/family sitter and not wanting to waste my degree I'd just rather do that then stay at home.