Working Moms vs. Stay at Home Moms

ruggedBear

I am ultra happy with my life, great husband, great kids, a career that I work hard to excel in and I get to do all the fun things I want to do - mostly because my career enables us to afford to not have to worry about the basics. Part of my parenting style is to make sure my kids have every opportunity they could hope for - in relationships, in school, in sports, recreation, etc. I want them to have a great time, learn something new every day, love without limits and appreciate the hard work it takes to live the lifestyle they enjoy. We share chores, volunteer together and are open about the value and trade-offs we make for the things we want to do.

It's always been hard to manage the demands of what I consider three full-time jobs - mother, wife and professional (tack on grad school, which I just finished, and it's really tough!). Working at home most of the time certainly helps, but there is some travel and days when I could use another 18 hours of daylight! I firmly believe in being open with my kids about these challenges, and their rewards, as well as why it is important to me to continue working. As a result, my kids have a good understanding of what it takes to acheive your goals. I want to prove to them by example that all these things can be important, and that with hard work you can acheive excellence in all aspects of your life.

carolann_22

I teach, so I get the best of both worlds - being a SAHM in the summer and having a creative/social outlet throughout the years with breaks I spend at home. I am not UNHAPPY, but I wish I could be home a little more - we are paying down debt so I can hopefully move to part time next year, which I think would be ideal for me.

ETA: As much as it's great to be home when they are small, I think it's MORE important to be home when they get off the bus. My oldest starts K in the fall and that's a big motivator for me to go to part time, I want to BE THERE when he gets off the bus, for the rest of his school career.

ruggedBear

I always thought a stay at home mom is a working mom! She probably works harder than most do in their career!

:laugh: This is a joke and one that I am sick of hearing!

Only someone who has never had to do both would assume this to be true. Working moms do twice the work (at least) since most don't have the luxury of having someone else do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, homework help, shuttling kids to practice and activities, etc.

I may spend 8 hours a day at work, but I also spend another 8 hours or so doing the same stuff SAHMs get to spread out over the course of a whole day. I do most of my housework after the kids go to bed and before they get up in the morning, and that's only when I don't have a 10pm conference call - I try like hell not to waste the time we do have together - so the only times I am not with them is while they're at school or asleep!

Take a walk in my shoes someday - and maybe you'll change your mind.

KareninCanada

In addition, "Mothers who worked reported better overall health and fewer symptoms of depression than women who stayed at home."

I think the health thing needed more explanation... it IS true, but quite unrelated to the "at home mom" thing in and of itself. It is definitely related to spending more time inside, more exposure to household cleaners, etc etc, less getting out in the air, etc etc. And some moms do end up quite isolated, which can lead to depression. So you do have to make the effort to get out and do things, talk to people, find a creative outlet. (Although I find that I actually have more fulfilling conversations now than I ever did when I worked in an office with people who I had little in common with.)

So, can it be said that each person chooses what works best for them? If you work or stay at home, are you happy? How do you add in exercise?

Yes, I think that can be said. I stay at home and I'm very happy with it. I answer to no one but myself, my husband and God. I set my own schedule, and I can change my day at the drop of a hat if I need or want to. I get to be the one who decides what my kids see, do, experience, learn... and be there with them while they're doing it.

Exercise can be a hard one. We don't have a big budget surplus, so there isn't money available for me to book a sitter 3x/week to go to the gym. Right now what we've got worked out is, when DH gets home about 4:00-4:30, I am out the door and at the gym to get my workout done during the lull between afternoon and after-supper exercisers. He will start something for supper, at least for the kids, and when I get home we finish up. I fit in other exercise where I can, like Wii games or walks with the kids. I am really trying NOT to fall into the trap of using the kids or life as an excuse, by reminding myself of what I've done before. When the girls were 2.5 years and 10 months old, hubby left for military training for a year. THAT was a challenge, but that is the time when I lost actually the most weight, I think because I had to really focus and plan in order to get anything done. My youngest spent a lot of time in a backpack then. I would get on my exercise bike at night after they went to bed. Situps, planks and so on after the bike. I'd squeeze in other kinds of exercises through the day as opportunity arose, like did you know that the bathroom is perfect? Angled pushups off the sink, tricep dips off the toilet, squats using the counter for balance.... do a few sets of those while the kids are in the tub. It takes effort, but it can be done.

Sadly, the percentage that said they were "happy with their lives" was only 36% for both stay at home and working mothers.

I think that's a normal female thing. We tend never to be really quite satisfied; there's always some kind of carrot dangling out there trying to make us want to be someone different.

kittyinaz

I wish I was a stay at home mom. Luckily I have the benefit of being able to bring my child to work with me. I am hoping to work from home one day, but that will all depend on the eventual permanent job that my fiance ends up settling down in.

ishallnotwant

...and the male poster is the voice of reason. :laugh: I agree wholeheartedly lol!

theoneandonlybrookie

I always thought a stay at home mom is a working mom! She probably works harder than most do in their career!

It really bothers me when people say this. I'm sorry, but do you think that a woman who is waiting tables or standing in a factory line is really working less than a woman who stays at home? I've done both. I stayed at home with my twins for a year and then went back to work. With my last baby, I worked the entire time. Believe me, I had a lot more free time as a stay at home mom (with twins!) than I did when I worked with an infant.

That being said, I think ALL moms who try to spend quality time with their children, actively stay involved with their lives, and attempt to make their kids' lives better than their own are doing a GREAT job. Both working moms and stay at home moms (and dads!) who do these things are good parents, no matter where or when they work or don't work.

messyinthekitchen

I am kind of a SAHM. I run a cake business from home and I also do hair and makeup from home. I do this because next year my son will be going to school and I wanted time to get my business up and going before then so I wasn't left sitting around. I chose to be a SAHM because that's exactly what I wanted to do. My son is my first priority and I wanted to spend as much time with him before he's off to school. I am completely happy and wouldn't have it any other way. I really think it depends on the person. Some people wanna get out of the home and work. Working makes them happy and they want to interact with other adults. And some people like myself want to stay home with our children. And we sacrifice the adult time. I have the option to stay at home with my son some people don't have the means to do so. So the overall happiness I think has a lot to do with what you truly want to do and what you can afford to do. I think working moms have it harder. I workout when my son naps. And get the house cleaned when he is napping. I prep dinner when he wakes from nap and is having snack. I spend the vast majority of the day with him unless I have a client coming or a cake order. I can do everything I need to do, appointments, running errands without worry. And then have the weekend free.

Working moms on the other hand I don't know how to do it. These women wake up at crazy times in the morning. Make breakfast and lunch. Get themselves and their kids ready. Drop kids off at sitter/day care/school. Get to work. Work 8-9 hours. Run errands if need be. Pick kids up. Make dinner. Play with children. Help with homework. Get kids bathed and ready for bed. Tidy home. And still have time for working out and their spouse. And they're usually busy on the weekends too. It isn't what I would chose but I have much respect for working Moms and give them props for all they do. At the end of the day there is no right or wrong. You need to do what makes you happy first and foremost, and be the best mom you can be in your situation. That is all.

Cberg9

I wish I could afford to be a stay at home mom, but...when I was.....I was not as happy......no adult conversation all day, but now that I'm working again, I WISH i could be home again!

^^^ THIS! exactly lol

Shanna_Inc86

All moms are working moms...case closed lol

That being said, I didn't have the choice to stay home more with my daughter. I'm a single mom and not a government mooch so I work full time outside of the house. I hate that I haven't had more time with her.
If I had been in a position to only work part time I would have. I could not be totally out of the work force for personal reasons.

I work 8:30-5pm
Usually don't get a work out in till 8pm or later
Bed usually comes around 11p/12a

The Teri Clark song "she didn't have time" hits home for me

IttyKnittyBitty

I graduated college with a degree in Elementary Education in May of 2010, and had my beautiful daughter in July of 2010. I have decided to stay home and care for my daughter (and future children) as long as it work financially for my family. I couldn't imagine leaving her with someone else 8+ hours a day. Especially when she sleeps for 14 hours every night! That doesn't leave us very much time together. We host/attend playdates. We are about to start a "mommy and me" swim course, and dance this fall. We go to the museums and nature areas. She is only 19 months old, and I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to be able to spend this time with her and be able to watch her discover new things and grow and all that good stuff.

I think all moms (working or not) love their children in the same way. It doesn't matter. If your child is happy and healthy and all of their needs are being met-- you rock as a parent!

Working out is difficult sometimes. I hate working out after she goes to bed at night, because I have a much harder time falling asleep! But, we have crazy dance parties and I am running around with her most of the day. When my hubby gets home, sometimes I disappear for 35-45 mins to do my kettlebell workout or some yoga.

russellma

I don't see where a SAHM is NOT working !!!!! I was one of them for many years. I am now working due to family situation. We should all have the opportunity to stay at home and see how much goes into being a full-time wife and mother.

Haha! That's what I thought when I read the title!

I'm a WAHM with a home business, so although I do contribute to the family income, my schedule is still partly controlled by the needs of my children.

I think most SAHM would agree that some days that "control" aspect can get to you. Especially with small children, even bathroom time/sleep time/meal time is subject to interruption. Some days you can feel like you're in control of nothing!

But 95% of the time, I would put myself into the 36% of happy moms.

However, I don't think the issue is necessarily so much whether or not the mom works, but whether or not the home can function as a family unit without a lot of stress and conflict over who does what. In our home, we keep, for the most part, the traditional gender roles, which has worked out nicely for us. However, my husband doesn't feel above helping with housework, and I don't mind occasionally taking out the trash, etc. There is mutual respect and he makes a point to give me "me" time so that I don't feel like the family maid.

I would be curious to know if most unhappy moms are unhappy because they feel as if they're getting the short end of the stick, whether it's a working mom that's having to work all day and then have to carry too much of the load at home or a SAHM who feels confined, unimportant and disrespected because she's "just" a SAHM.

daisydieter

As I previously stated, I've got the best of both worlds in that I work from a home-based office and set my own hours/workload so I can pull double duty between 3-6pm.

But I do have to vent for just a moment. I sometimes feel some of my neighbors who have jobs full time outside of the home sometimes take advantage of my situation and ask me to babysit their kids. I do believe in the "it takes a village"... and know I'm very lucky to NOT have to work outside of the house... but... making it a part of my routine isn't fair.

Like right now, I have a friend who is in middle of a divorce and just went back to work. She's got a low level/paying job 3 days a week... and is scare ****less about money. This was supposed to be the job she has while she looks for another. Putting her 6 year old in daycare would pretty much eat up the money she is making. So, I offered to have him come to my house the days she is working.

It is a pain in the neck because the kid is 6 years younger than my youngest and has ADHD... but she was desperate. Problem is that she has not applied to another single job. One thing if she was looking... but she's not. It is hard for me to confront her because I know part of what is holding her back is some serious self-esteem issues. But she won't see a therapist or join a support group for that either.

I'm seriously wondering if I'm being helpful or enabling her to "cocoon"... or am I just be resentful of 4 months of being a daycare provider?

I guess I needed to vent. Thanks.

frugalmomsrock

Personally I feel the big thing with working (if you have a good job that is) is your financial independence from your husband and also setting a good example to your child. I don't say how you can encourage your child to work hard at school for instance and pass those exams if she sees you don't work. She will assume she will also not work so not bother. I personally feel it sets a better example to children. I like that my daughter knows I have business meetings and customers etc even though she's only 4 I think shes' pretty proud of me.

I have five children. They see me work hard every single day--doing laundry, taking care of a preschooler and a toddler, washing dishes, cleaning, etc. Honestly, it's a working mom whose children do NOT see her work. They know she goes somewhere CALLED work... they don't see it though. *shrug*

I worked before staying home, and I loved it. I love staying home to raise my children. I'll go back to the work I love soon enough, but for now, my JOB is being a nurse, taxi driver, maid, short order cook, etc. I don't have to worry about horrible things like what happened to my friend (her child was critically wounded at childcare-chemical burns in her diaper). I know what my children are doing during the day. I know their diapers are being changed. I know they're eating. I know they're well cared for.

My husband earns a modest income, and we have an extremely modest (maybe even entirely too small) home. No fancy cars. We don't try to live beyond our means, and that helps us to afford my staying home to raise the children. I am a mom first and foremost. Period. My mom worked her *$$ off when I was a kid, and I missed her so much. I wished she just had the time to sit and color with me or read to me... I won't make my kids enter adulthood with those regrets. *I am not resentful to my mother-I know she did what she had to. We would have gone broke without her working so much. My family is able to make it on one income, so I use that good fortune to make sure my kids have me.* It's what works for us.

There are some people who simply aren't cut out to be SAH parents, and others who are not cut out to handle both a family and a job. No judgment to the working moms--maybe the working moms should withhold judging the SAH moms.



moving along....

As far as jobs after going back to work, after divorce, etc... the economy has gone to hell in a handbasket anyway--many people who weren't home by choice can't even get work. It's just the way it is right now. I think your friend should thank her lucky stars she even got that, to be honest... work is scarce out there!

cloud2011

Done both (stayed home 10 years after being laid off, just turned out that way). I regret not re-entering the workforce earlier, but my kids have turned out well, but I think they would have either way.

My mom also did a combination of staying at home and working.

The truth is, most women need to work for a majority of their lives, and staying home is usually a fairly brief period. A lot of senior citizens (women) live in poverty, so I think it's best to think about how you're going to live your entire life. Staying at home is an option, but like all choices it has a cost. (As does working but the cost is different).

In this economy, if I hadn't returned to work when I did, my family would have been without health insurance, which I consider vital.

xmissjasmine

I'm a SAHM (kinda)! I love it. My twins are 1 and we have a great routine established. I am happier being home, watching them grow, and being here for every milestone than I could ever be in a career. That being said, I've also picked up side jobs. I clean a house for a lady at church 2x's a month and am a real estate assistant. I get paid per closing, all my work is done from home on the computer... I feel like I've found the happy medium.... I have something to do aside from housework/cooking/cleaning/babies, but it's not so much that I feel that I am neglecting my family.

It's all about finding what works for you and what makes you happy. I honestly think, study or not, there is no "right" answer here.

cloud2011

We all love our children and are doing what we think is best for them.

I completely agree!

poesch77

I have done both. I worked full-time up until my oldest went to 4k then went down to 20-30 hrs per wk. When I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with baby #2 I working in childcare so I quit because chasing after kids was wearing me down. I stay at home now because honestly 2 kids in daycare in the summer would be very pricey!! I enjoy being home as my hubby works long hours and sometimes out of town for weeks at a time but it can get stressful! I would love to get a job just to get out there socially! I get stircrazy being at home but it is great to see every new thing my baby does! A stay at home mom is a job in itself! Somedays naptime and bedtime do not come soon enough!

deeharley

I personally hate the term VS. I think more women would be happier if acedemics and the media would keep their stupid noses out of it and let us parent.

cloud2011

I wished she just had the time to sit and color with me or read to me... I won't make my kids enter adulthood with those regrets.

I understand what you're saying, but when I stayed home (I'm working and my children are older now), I tried to be room mother, Girl Scout and Cub Scout leader, attend class functions, etc. at school.

I have to tell you, my kids don't necessarily remember all of it. They do, however, remember the times (very few) when I could NOT attend a function.

You can't win!

Seriously though, kids remember how you make them feel. I think that's the key, whether you stay home or work.

Hernandeak11

Not a parent, but when I was fairly young my mom worked very late shifts, and I always missed her. (Dad was still there, but I missed having both together).

When I was about eight my mom left her job to stay at home, but she became really unhappy/bored.

She finally found a balance in her current job where she works normal hours and has PLENTY of vacation days.

I fully intend on being a working mom--but not until I'm AT LEAST 30 lol

spacecase76

I always thought a stay at home mom is a working mom! She probably works harder than most do in their career!

:laugh: This is a joke and one that I am sick of hearing!

Only someone who has never had to do both would assume this to be true. Working moms do twice the work (at least) since most don't have the luxury of having someone else do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, homework help, shuttling kids to practice and activities, etc.

I may spend 8 hours a day at work, but I also spend another 8 hours or so doing the same stuff SAHMs get to spread out over the course of a whole day. I do most of my housework after the kids go to bed and before they get up in the morning, and that's only when I don't have a 10pm conference call - I try like hell not to waste the time we do have together - so the only times I am not with them is while they're at school or asleep!

Take a walk in my shoes someday - and maybe you'll change your mind.

+1.

Add to it that I am a single mom and also a full-time student. I *WISH* I could work OR be a full-time student OR be a full-time mom - instead of all 3.

cloud2011

My personal oppinion, and I apprieciate that this won't go down well with many, is that if you don't have time to parent your child and instead pay someone else to do it then you shouldn't have had a kid in the first place.

I'm a mom who chose to stay home. I was lucky to have the choice. But I would NEVER judge women who choose to work, just as I would hope no one would judge me for choosing to stay at home. This "us vs them" thing DRIVES ME CRAZY.

And let me add, that I chose to stay home not because I thought my children would suffer without me, but because I hated my job. Could have found a different one I suppose, but since I had the choice...

My mother was a stay at home mom and a working mom. She taught me about both, and I thank her for it.

I actually have a childhood friend who did not have children because she thought she should not be a working mom. I have always felt bad for her; being a mother should not be restricted to people who can afford to stay home. And, life is unpredictable, I've had two cousins who were widowed fairly young. Both had to return to work, partly for financial reasons, but mostly for health insurance. (Most insurance has COBRA which provides for 18 months, but you have to pay for it yourself and it can be pricey).

snkoyle15

bumping this, i dont have time to answer later but want to when i have time

Super323

I don't believe that people should have children to have other people watch them...if you cant raise your own children then you shouldn't have any.I quit my job to have my son..I wasn't gonna pay for anyone to enjoy his smiles and funny words as he grows. Children need tons of attention...and I don't believe working people can always give them 100% attention..at the same time I know that some people financially need to work..so if that's the case then you should have kids if you can not afford to stay home..:)

christine24t

I don't believe that people should have children to have other people watch them...if you cant raise your own children then you shouldn't have any.I quit my job to have my son..I wasn't gonna pay for anyone to enjoy his smiles and funny words as he grows. Children need tons of attention...and I don't believe working people can always give them 100% attention..at the same time I know that some people financially need to work..so if that's the case then you should have kids if you can not afford to stay home..:)

Not to start something but is really passing judgment on people. You can have your opinion, but I don't think it's right to say that you shouldn't have kids if you can't afford to stay home. It doesn't matter whether you can afford to stay home or not - it's about whether you want to stay home.

Some people love staying home. And others need adult interaction and something to focus on beside your children. Just because you have a child does not mean the rest of your life is pushed to the way-side. My mom worked out of the house because she didn't like being at home all hours of the day - sometimes she had to get out and have a purpose besides taking care of me and my sister.

You can still enjoy your children and work out of the home. Both of my parents did and I grew up knowing that they loved me.

ahinescapron

I think a lot depends on your personality. I am a better mom when I have time away from my kids. Right now, I am working on my PhD and being a mommy. I was doing both and working until I had my 16 month old. I stayed home with my son (who is now in Kindergarten) for a year and I was miserable. My husband works, but has a flexible schedule, so he spends just as much time with them as I do. As someone who was raised by a single father after the sudden death of my mother, I see value in both parents being actively involved in all aspects of the children's care, so they can take over if something unfortunate happens. We have talked about my husband being a stay at home dad at some point in the future. It really depends on what works for your family. There is no "right" way to do it, just the way that works for you and your kids.

feb06momma

I have done both! I was a stay at home mom almost entirely for the first 4.5 or so years of my daughter's life. I was also in an awful marriage and extremely unhappy (although I LOVED being with my daughter all the time).

Currently, I work two part time jobs (about 35 hours a week total) and am a single parent to my daughter. I still drive her to her extra stuff, and have playdates and am involved with her school (PTO, etc etc). I don't feel like I am any less of a mother than I was when I was at home full time. I'm not in a terrible situation marriage wise and I am the happiest I've ever been!!

maidentl

I am a stay at home mom and I adore it. But I don't think poorly of working mothers. I know many women would be bored stiff doing what I do. I get that. Conversely, I would be completely frazzled if I had to work full-time and take care of my kids, because that's my disposition. I don't get why either side feels the need to try and make the other feel badly about their choice.

CharityEaton

Not everyone is lucky enough to stay at home. I know that I am a very lucky perso to get to be at home with my kids! The plan was for me to stay home after our first was born but we were not financially able to do it....mostly because I insisted on getting pregnant a year earlier then we had planned.

This was a very good lesson for me to learn. I so badly wanted to be a stay at home mom that when it was time for our second to arrive I was totally ready to stay at home to find out that it was NOT what I wasthinking it would be! It took me an entire year to really get the hang of it and start to enjoy it!

Now 7 years later I am getting ready to send my third and final child of to Kindergarten and everyone keeps asking me if I am going back to work next year! My answer...NO WAY!!! I am still a mom that will still need to care for my kids. We have managed to make it 7 years on one income why on earth would I go back to work.

I miss my old co-workers and the freedom to not worry too much about the budget but I love that everyday I am here at any time if my kids need me!
I count my blessings every day that I am able to do this because there are many. many moms that would love to be at home but are not lucky enough to get that option. It in NO WAY makes them less of a parent. I actually admire the moms that still manage to make it to all of the "events" with a full time job! I don't know how they do it!
I HATE all of the debate over who is better. No one sideis better than the other! You can still be a REALLY CRAPPY mom even if you ARE at home with your kid every day just as you can be a totally awesome mom and work over 60 hours a week! What counts is how you parent not if you are at home or at work. Oh but the argument of someone else rasing your child while you work...well, you can choose who "raises" your child while you are not there! What about me..I'm home all day while 2 of my kids are at school...am I a bad mom because I don't home school??? I'm not with them ALL DAY LONG but because I am home that makes it better? I don't think so. A working mom can have the same relationship with her kids tacher as a sty at home mom does.

Anyway! What your job is or is not does not determine if you are a good parent or not!