Question for the divorced daters.....

infamousmk

I started dating as soon as the conversation of divorce started. My ex had already moved to another state for work and I'm sure he was doing his fair share of dating out there, too. Once I asked to split, I was out meeting new people and enjoying my life.

KnottyJen

I'm sort of in the same situation... I told my ex that I wanted a divorce in September. He moved out shortly thereafter and I think I started dating in October. Saw a few guys, had some fun being single, but I'm such a serial monogamist. I think in the last 15 years, I've spent a total of 6 months single. Granted, I was with my ex husband for 11 of those years, but still.

I started dating my current boyfriend in December and I couldn't be happier. When I met him, I just knew. I knew that I wasn't interested in dating any of the guys that I had been seeing. And I knew that I wasn't interested in meeting anyone else.

I think the best thing that you can do - enjoy the single life. Go out, have fun with your girlfriends, meet new people. And when the right guy comes along, you will know.

Before I met my boyfriend (which is such a weird term to use at the age of 30, btw), I read a quote that said something along the lines of 'When you stop looking for love and start doing what you love to do, true love will find you there.'

Good luck, Girl! I hope it all works out for the best!

infamousmk

, I read a quote that said something along the lines of 'When you stop looking for love and start doing what you love to do, true love will find you there.'

This is exactly why I'm getting remarried in three months... I was not looking for a boyfriend or a partner .... I was just trying to have fun and be myself! And I couldn't have ever even imagined how happy I am.

scapez

I've never been divorced but I have come out of various long-term (committed) relationships.

There are so many factors to the ending of a relationship, so I don't know that there could be a one size fits all answer. I think the bottom line is if you are truly over the relationship (sometimes this happens during the relationship, sometimes it takes time after it ends) AND you are in a good place with yourself (i.e. you don't 'need' it but would truly rather have it) than you're ready! IMO it's worth getting yourself out there to meet people but be prepared because you'll likely find the right one when you're not even looking for him!!

WifeNMama

I have a question for everybody....I've never been married, so I can't say I've been divorced. I've had a few long term relationships, and at times thought about marriage, but never went through with it. Why do marriages so often not work? I am going through a very rough patch with my current boyfriend,and don't know if it is worth it to stay together. We have been dating for 5 years. Any advice, or words of encouragment for me?!?!

Imagine dealing with the same personality/traits/temperament ten years from now. Do you see your personalities working well together? Is your relationship worth the effort? I'm not trying to get you to leave, just seriously evaluate your life and have some conversations before you make any decisions. These are things you need to do before the wedding so you have a better chance after.
If you're really unsure, a friend of mine said "it's better to be single than wish you were."

I would suggest reading "Ten Great Dates Before You Say I Do". It sets up 10 conversations you should have before marriage, and sets it up as a date rather than a counselling session. It is definitely Christian based book, but provides great insight for anyone, regardless of their faith/religious beliefs. Also, "His Needs, Her Needs." Another Christian based book, but still applicable to anyone, just have to glean from it what works for you. Good luck. :-)

r1ghtpath

i've been on my own for 2.5+ years now. and i started dating fall of 2011. so far, it's not anything to write home about. i'm fine alone. but i enjoy meeting new people. nothing has turned into anything. but, i'm getting practice at the whole first date thing again and i'm perfecting my people picker.

i might meet a new person to date once a month? and that's fine by me. i fill up my free time with LOADS of fun things i can do with or without someone!!!!

LIFE IS GOOD!!! it's about how YOU make it ;-)

macylane4

I have a question for everybody....I've never been married, so I can't say I've been divorced. I've had a few long term relationships, and at times thought about marriage, but never went through with it. Why do marriages so often not work? I am going through a very rough patch with my current boyfriend,and don't know if it is worth it to stay together. We have been dating for 5 years. Any advice, or words of encouragment for me?!?!

Imagine dealing with the same personality/traits/temperament ten years from now. Do you see your personalities working well together? Is your relationship worth the effort? I'm not trying to get you to leave, just seriously evaluate your life and have some conversations before you make any decisions. These are things you need to do before the wedding so you have a better chance after.
If you're really unsure, a friend of mine said "it's better to be single than wish you were."

I would suggest reading "Ten Great Dates Before You Say I Do". It sets up 10 conversations you should have before marriage, and sets it up as a date rather than a counselling session. It is definitely Christian based book, but provides great insight for anyone, regardless of their faith/religious beliefs. Also, "His Needs, Her Needs." Another Christian based book, but still applicable to anyone, just have to glean from it what works for you. Good luck. :-)

I can't talk to him..he doesn't listen, and it seems like he is just along for the ride, instead of being in a relationship. We said 2 words to each other yesterday, and we live together. He started sleeping all day, and is up all night....I'm the opposite.

Steelheart7

I was married 14 years and it has been about 2 1/2 years from the time it blew up and through the divorce and after .. I am at the point where I might be ready to start thinking about it .. lol.

Just do you and it will all be great.

skinnywithin

No time limit for happiness babydoll !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 do what ever makes you feel good...life is too short not to !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! trust me I know !

AmberJslimsAWAY

I've never been good at being single. So even in the wake of my divorce, I was dating a month or so after we split and like you, our marriage was over long before it was over.

JPod279

My wife and I went on our first date the Saturday before her divorce was finalized (on a Tuesday I think). That was in 1995 and we have been together ever since. She never dated anyone else. I doubt she thought I would be anything more than a date to get her back going. Point is you never know when you will find the right person so get out there as soon as you are ready.

amandakrussell

I think a lot of divorced people go through that. As a person who has dated divorced people, it's incredibly frustrating. From my end, I would recommend dating younger, having fun and enjoying your friends. But be careful to lead people on. Make sure not to talk about the future with someone you're casually seeing, and when you're ready to commit again, look for the appropriate people and make it official.

jnance82

I'm still separated (since 7/2010) and hopefully will be divorced within the month *fingers crossed*. I started dating in April 2011 because I just felt like it was time. I was tired of hating men, tired of not having male companionship. I just started a new relationship in October 2011 and this has been the best 4 months of my life! But I said all this to say you'll know when it's right for you.




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jnance82

I started dating as soon as the conversation of divorce started. My ex had already moved to another state for work and I'm sure he was doing his fair share of dating out there, too. Once I asked to split, I was out meeting new people and enjoying my life.

I did the same thing!

ItsCasey

I can't talk to him..he doesn't listen, and it seems like he is just along for the ride, instead of being in a relationship. We said 2 words to each other yesterday, and we live together. He started sleeping all day, and is up all night....I'm the opposite.

The first sentence of your post says it all. In even the happiest of relationships, there are bad days. It's not all sunshine, roses, and unicorns every single day. But there should NEVER be a point where you're not sure how important you are to the other person. It is just not supposed to feel like you're the only one making an effort. That feeling is your gut telling you that this guy is not right for you.

ItsCasey

I think a lot of divorced people go through that. As a person who has dated divorced people, it's incredibly frustrating. From my end, I would recommend dating younger, having fun and enjoying your friends. But be careful to lead people on. Make sure not to talk about the future with someone you're casually seeing, and when you're ready to commit again, look for the appropriate people and make it official.

I recently stopped seeing a divorced guy, and I agree. He told me on our first date that he was finally ready to find a woman he could have a serious relationship with and how he had finally figured out what he wanted and what he didn't want, blah blah blah. Two months later, he sends me a text message telling me he still has feelings for his ex and isn't ready to be in a committed relationship. For the record, we had never even discussed being in a committed relationship, but he knew that's what I was ultimately looking for.

But really, this goes for anyone, divorced or never been married: be honest about what you're looking for from the very first date. And if you aren't sure what you're looking for, you're not ready to be dating anyone.

StacyFrisbie

Run! If you can't get him to listen to you now, he's not up for the teamwork that a forever relationship requires. Not that he might not be later, but you deserve better in a relationship. You'll know Macy, and it kinda sounds from your post that you already do, just need affirmation....

WifeNMama

I can't talk to him..he doesn't listen, and it seems like he is just along for the ride, instead of being in a relationship. We said 2 words to each other yesterday, and we live together. He started sleeping all day, and is up all night....I'm the opposite.

The first sentence of your post says it all. In even the happiest of relationships, there are bad days. It's not all sunshine, roses, and unicorns every single day. But there should NEVER be a point where you're not sure how important you are to the other person. It is just not supposed to feel like you're the only one making an effort. That feeling is your gut telling you that this guy is not right for you.

I agree for the most part. This sounds like classic avoidance, unless he has gone through something difficult lately, or suffers from depression or other problems. If you catch him when he's relaxed but not overtired, just tell him that you don't know what is going on with him, but you would like your relationship to be different than it is, because you're both obviously not happy. And if it can't change, then you're going to have to leave for yoyr own good. Keep calm and neutral, try not to cry or get angry. You don't want to make him defensive or start an argument, just get things out in the open.

rammsteinsoldier

I was separated for a year (hoping to reconcile) and then met someone and had a rebound marriage. After that trainwreck was over, I made two time factors for considering marriage: Get back to even financially and when I could go a month without even thinking about my exes. I dated but made it clear that marriage wasn't something I was considering for a while. I accomplished both of the above and have been divorced longer than I was married (both wives combined). I like being single, dating, enjoying my life on my terms. I know I'll meet a woman one day and know she's the one. But until then, I'm not in a hurry at all.

I second this response, only I know I will meet a guy one day and know he's the one.

garnetsms

I haven't read thru all of these, (forgive me if I repeat) but I'm guessing the consensus is...there is no set time. NO ONE knows YOU like you do. Some people can get right back out there and some people can't. Personally, I think everyone should wait some time...take time to breath, regroup, and be who you are. After my first divorce, I got right back at it. After the second, not so much. I took my time, and had some really great times, and some really bad times. All in all, I've learned some really hard lessons along the way. Although, I sometimes wish I could change things, I wouldn't, because I have two wonderful boys. And my life would be nothing without them. Its been 11 yrs since I divorced!!
I've always been told when I least expect it, when I'm not even looking, someone will come. Well, that finally happened 10 months ago. I was just going about my life, enjoying my kids, my family and my friends, and there he was....We split up about a month ago, but still talk from time ot time. There is a small chance of us getting back together but I'm not holding my breathe. Nor am I ready to go out with anyone else. I have a few male friends that would like to do the FWB, but I just can't bring myself to it. Its not who I am. I know when the time is right, someone will come along, and I will know. In the meantime, I'm going to live my life, raise my boys, and concentrate on being healthy.
Also, I have heard that sometimes a new hobby will help fill the void, perhaps redecorating, or finding a new craft. Maybe even do something you have never done before!!

P.S. I failed to mention, getting more involved in my church and community helps too

Good luck to ya!!

La_Amazona

Thanks for the advice.

I'm just going to go with the flow. Like I said, I've been dating but not sure if I'm looking for a relationship or not and that's where I get confused. I guess if someone comes along that makes me want one, than I'll know but until then, I'll just have fun and relax!

bigdawg025

I think waiting is ABSOLUTELY paramount!!! If you don't get to know yourself OUSIDE of a relationship you still don't actually know YOU. That's why any relationship expert or counselor suggests waiting at least a year after the end of a long-term relationship. It's because (and you can see so many examples why just in this thread) you have a mourning period akin to a death (this death being the relationship or marriage's death per se) and then you have a recovery period. If you don't go through these you will hold onto underlying issues that you very well may be completely unaware of AND/OR settle for a mediocre partner simply to avoid being alone. There is a huge difference between a healthy relationship and being in a relationship simply because you don't know any other way or are "afraid of being alone" (this is one of many forms of codependency).

dan323

I waited 1 year. I just didn't want to get involved with anyone and after being married 16 years I was enjoying my freedom. We have 5 kids together so its not like we never talked. Then I dated for a year and you know what happened. I ended up remarrying my ex wife after 2 years. It's now been 10 years since we remarried but I know this is not for everyone. There are some truely deranged people out there,like those who Love you after 3 dates. Woawa. All is well here and good luck on your Journey to find the right person.

lorro

I can't talk to him..he doesn't listen, and it seems like he is just along for the ride, instead of being in a relationship. We said 2 words to each other yesterday, and we live together. He started sleeping all day, and is up all night....I'm the opposite.

Apologies for the thread hijack but I'd like to reply to macylane. It's hard to keep telling someone how you feel when they don't listen, but that's what I suggest you do. There may be a possibility for change depending on what is causing the problem and you never know until you try. No doubt you have been but perhaps you need to spell it out more clearly or ask him to consider couples counselling. Perhaps he is depressed and needs to see his doctor. Or maybe you are just not meant to be together. If he continues not to listen and refuses to do anything about the situation then there is little more you can do. Every relationship has it's bad spells however you seem very unhappy and that can't go on indefinitely. I hope things get better for you soon, with or without him :flowerforyou: