Question about attraction... just curious.

LaurenAOK

Okay, I'm not sure if this is going to come out sounding offensive or not. I don't mean this to be offensive in any way! I'm just curious and have been for a while. I study psychology and love thinking about how people's brains work :P

I've noticed that, the majority of the time, bigger people get together with other bigger people. In my personal experience, it has been rare to see a couple where one of them is overweight and one is very healthy. It seems much more common to see a couple where both people are overweight, or both are healthy (or both are in-between).

Now, here's where I'm really not trying to offend anyone but, the fact is, in society today we generally don't consider being overweight to be "attractive." So my question is... in these couples where two overweight people are together... are they genuinely attracted to each other? Or do they just feel more comfortable being with someone bigger because they are bigger as well?

Say an overweight person generally dates other overweight people. Then he/she loses a lot of weight. Would he/she still be attracted to overweight people, or would he/she start dating people who were of a more "healthy" weight?

Again, I'm not trying to offend here. I'm not saying that overweight people can't be attractive... I know many people who are truly "big and beautiful." But it's just that by society's standards, it's not generally seen as attractive so it makes me curious as to how attraction works in these couples.

hapoo100

i have had and seen my friends have relationships where they start leaner. The relationship tends to be about spending time together and exercise stops, more lunches, dinners, going out...usually to excess. Both grow in size together due to unhealthy choices. I have seen so many couples that have the exact same body and even wear similar clothes...

I would guess healthy couples spend their time exercising, hiking, etc.

cear3381

I think it's a valid question.... I used to weight close to 190 pounds and at least me, I was never attracted to big guys... which was a big motivator to lose the weight.

Despise society's standards, some people do not mind it or do find it attractive, but they are a clear minority. A couple close to me, one is naturally slim ( not a gym rat) but still very slim, and the other one is over close to 250 pounds. I do think there must be a comfort factor and need to be with someone that would make someone overlook it if there's a deeper connection, which must happen with big couples as they understand each other.

Just my opinion

Carl01

First off there is no explaining what attracts a person to another as far as wishing for a relationship.
There is no pattern as I can be attracted to a lady that is short or tall and a range of weights.

One other thing to understand is that men and women don`t always follow a fairy tale type love affair and many relationships are based on things that have little to do with physical appearance.

sleepytexan

I have always been attracted to big and tall men; pudge doesn't bother me, but skinny does. I am not attracted to giant bodybuilder types, but a reasonably muscular physique is, of course, nice to look at. I have happily dated many "big guys", and I am married to one. Over the course of our 12-year marriage, my husband has gained about 50 lbs and then lost about 35 of it. While I do think he iooks better now than he did 35 lbs. heavier, it did not affect my attraction to him.

I have always been about the same size; 5'4, ranging 127-135 lbs. aside from pregnancies and one 18-month period at 142 (during which I felt very anxious about the excess weight).

It has been my observation that women are more tolerant of excess weight on a man, than the other way around.

SteveHunt113

I know there are some people who are are thinner but are attracted to heavier people. There have been some studies on this, one that was on 20/20.

ChristineW82

Well, I am over weight. My first husband was over weight too. I think my weight bothered me a lot more than his weight ever did. We were friends before we got into a relationship and I think we had a lot more than a physical attraction to one another.

My husband now is tall & lean. I think our physical relationship is a lot better than I had with my first husband.

I don't know if that helped at all with your question, or if I'm just babbling. :laugh:

All and all I think people fall in love for much bigger reasons than physical attraction.

Captain_Tightpants

Nah my wife would be hot to me skinny or not.

I think your observation might be based more in the fact that couples influence each other greatly. If you end up in a relationship with a couch potato it's very hard not to become one yourself. If your significant other drags you to the gym every day it works that way round too. I think couples just tend to fall into following each others habits over time, or at least some sort of comfortable middle ground for both is reached.

carrotstick2012

This has been studied - when you are attracted to a personality, the person starts to appear physically more attractive to you. As someone else pointed out - couples, often in new relationships, might gain weight together. Plenty of research for you to read on this.

LaurenAOK

Very interesting about couples gaining weight together as they adapt to each other's lifestyles! I somehow hadn't thought of that, but it makes a lot of sense.

Just to clarify, I wasn't saying that a relationship is based solely on attraction... I know there's a lot more to it than that But I do believe that at least in the beginning, physical attraction can play a big role... more so for some people than others. Of course, as a couple of people pointed out, when you really love someone's personality and there's a mental chemistry there, physical appearance can seem a lot less important!

firesoforion

There is a lot more than weight to any relationship to be sure (thankfully lol), but you are on the right track. Almost all psychological studies indicate that we seek out people with a level of "sameness" to ourselves. Of course part of that is weight and perceived attractiveness, part of it is perceived socio-economic status, cultural backgrounds, similarities in upbringing, etcetera but it goes so far beyond that it's incredible.

This is one of my favorite studies of all time, it suggests that we seek out people with a similar speaking style, it goes that deep: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-language-of-love

KareninCanada

LOL... I have quite a few friends who would completely debunk that theory.

LaurenAOK

This is one of my favorite studies of all time, it suggests that we seek out people with a similar speaking style, it goes that deep: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-language-of-love

Ah, I love it! I'm so fascinated by stuff like that. A lot of the studies I've read about on "sameness" and attraction are absolutely amazing and almost freaky. Have you studied anything about the fibonacci sequence and attraction? It's downright spooky.

AnnaPixie

But I do believe that at least in the beginning, physical attraction can play a big role... more so for some people than others. Of course, as a couple of people pointed out, when you really love someone's personality and there's a mental chemistry there, physical appearance can seem a lot less important!

For the average person, physical attraction lasts about 5 minutes! Studies have shown that chemistry - smell and pheromones - play a much larger part.

I think your observation of seeing large people with large, is more based on a long term relationship when people 'grow' together! Although, of course, people can get together because there is a mutual empathy/comfort too!

There are probably a million reasons why someone is attracted to someone else, most of them indefinable, hence why its not easy to clarify. But I would say weight is a very small issue in the scheme of things :bigsmile:

BeautyFromPain

i have had and seen my friends have relationships where they start leaner. The relationship tends to be about spending time together and exercise stops, more lunches, dinners, going out...usually to excess. Both grow in size together due to unhealthy choices. I have seen so many couples that have the exact same body and even wear similar clothes...

I would guess healthy couples spend their time exercising, hiking, etc.

THIS ^

But, at least for most people (I would hope) people are attracted to personalities.

Alma_Sana

First off there is no explaining what attracts a person to another as far as wishing for a relationship.
There is no pattern as I can be attracted to a lady that is short or tall and a range of weights.

One other thing to understand is that men and women don`t always follow a fairy tale type love affair and many relationships are based on things that have little to do with physical appearance.

I agree. Most times I think there is a deeper connection. I might see someone who others would say is physically attractive, but a jerk and find them ugly. I might also see someone who others may claim isn't as attractive, but is really nice with an awesome personality and find them gorgeous. A lot goes into account when perceiving attractiveness of another person. Looks only get you so far. I think you should feel attracted to someone at least a little initially. But honestly looks fade over time and what is left if you don't have some common interests or enjoy each others company and personalities? There are some pretty amazing people out there that seem to get brushed off and looked past on a whole in society. They always say "Don't just a book by it's cover or fancy book mark . . .you have to read the pages

pinkprincess205

Iv always been quite curvy, but have always attracted fit healthy guys, n there the type i go for. Never liked a bigger guy. X

pinuplove

When I met my husband, he was training for a mission and in peak physical condition and I was the smallest I have ever been in my adult life (thank you, mono!) He outweighed me by ~100 pounds then, and almost always has since then. When I lose 5 more pounds he will have 100 on me again. So we did gain together, but he has always been a lot bigger than me! I've been attracted to all kinds - tall, short, big, small. In the end, personality always wins!

RatRace675

When I met my wife 17 years ago I weighed about 190lbs. I'm 6ft 1" and I look good at that weight as I've always been naturally stocky. I had a very physical job at the time (fitting tractor and truck tyres all day). My wife was 5ft 3" and weighed 115lbs. About a year after we me I got in to sales and the weight piled on. I was 215lbs when I got married and a couple of years after that I was 240lbs and I stayed at that for about 10 years. My wife always said she was never bothered and she never saw me as big, she just saw me as me. Just over a year ago I reached my peak at 257lbs and thought it was about time I sorted myself out. Meanwhile my wife was still 115lbs so I am more than twice her weight, but it has never had any effect whatsoever on our relationship. I am now back down to 221lbs, so nearly at my wedding weight and it is still coming down nice and steadily. We have been out and people comment on how much weight I've lost and my wife will say later, I can't believe so many people are noticing you've lost weight as you just look the same to me. They say love is blind :-)

hooligansmom

I am also a woman who is attracted to men who are slightly to moderately overweight. When I see men who are really fit, i think they are cute, but not for me. It's the guys who have a little extra all around that I am truly attracted to. It has been like that all my life!

SmallerBecky

I have always been attracted to big and tall men; pudge doesn't bother me, but skinny does. I am not attracted to giant bodybuilder types, but a reasonably muscular physique is, of course, nice to look at. I have happily dated many "big guys", and I am married to one. Over the course of our 12-year marriage, my husband has gained about 50 lbs and then lost about 35 of it. While I do think he iooks better now than he did 35 lbs. heavier, it did not affect my attraction to him.

I have always been about the same size; 5'4, ranging 127-135 lbs. aside from pregnancies and one 18-month period at 142 (during which I felt very anxious about the excess weight).

It has been my observation that women are more tolerant of excess weight on a man, than the other way around.

This is me too. I've always been a healthy weight to maybe 30 lbs overweight (on my way down from that) and I am married to a man who has been "big" almost his whole life and who has been one of my very best friends since we were 13. He has been over 100 lbs overweight at times and currently is on his own journey to a healthy weight! I must admit that I am finding him more and more physically attractive as he loses weight but what I've always found so attractive about him is just who he IS. He is COOL, he makes me laugh ALL the time, he puts up with me and my emotional craziness, and he cares so much for the people in his life. If losing lots of weight ever changed all that for the worse, it would not be worth it to me to have him LOOKING better.

SilverStrychnine

I'm 70 kilos. My boyfriend's 142 kilos.

Screw societal standards, I think he's hell sexy.

runnercheryl

My fiance has always been overweight, and obese as long as I knew him. I wasn't big when I met him - his influence is what made me pile on the pounds.

I guess I had the mentality to be obese already - that had been there since I was a very young child - but his lifestyle was the one that I slotted into, and the one that got me to obesity myself.

Now, I'm losing weight again and living healthier than I ever have in my life. I still find him attractive, and I will even when I'm smaller, but now I have the constant niggling awareness that I'm very likely going to be alone at a relatively young age. Being the healthy one in a relationship means you're likely to outlive your partner, and until I found my true motivation I was happy being obese and being aware that we'd BOTH live shorter lives and I wouldn't end up losing him early.

ludogx87

im single and do go out looking for my prince charming.......
personally i wouldnt be attracted to big big guys. sure guys who are "cuddly" and a carrying some extra weight- like me- i would go for, but the huge guys i wouldnt go near.....

***based on looks alone i mean

that sounds so awful n makes me sound really shallow and that but its the truth

intresting topic though x

chrishgt4

A friend of mine got married some years ago, and over the course of the marriage they both gained weight, he ended up at about 20 stone.

He then decided to do something about it and is now around 14 stone.

Apparently, as he lost weight he began to find her less and less attractive until eventually (not just based on that, there was more) they got a divorce.

I think there's a lot to be said for people finding others attractive who are on a similar 'level to them, not in health, but in terms of appearance. As he lost weight and looked better, his perception of others changed as well.

I think it's quite interesting because there have been studies done where people are asked to rate photos of people on a scale of how attractive they are, and it always seems that partners tend to end up with somewhere near to the same average score. But this shows the change working in one individual actually having his outlook changed by the change in his own appearance.

katherinemm31

I've seen a lot of big guys with little women which always bummed me out before I was married because as a tall, bigger woman, I liked bigger guys--easier to kiss, nicer to cuddle and I don't feel huge next to them.

My husband is about an inch taller than I am and is cuddly. He needs to lose a few pounds in his stomach, not because he's unattractive, but because he has health issues. I wouldn't want him skinny, though. I've never been into skinny, little guys.

Woooolywool

I think it's more to do with how you view yourself in relation to other people. If you are in fact a very slender person that doubts they are slim, then, you're likely to sort of feel more comfortable, maybe even more attracted to bigger people that you see yourself to be. It also works the other way around. So, if for example a girl named uhh Emily was quite a large girl, but had strong confidence with herself and her body, and viewed herself as very slender and sexy (even if society didn't necessarily agree), I think she'd then feel more comfortable with a guy that was rather trim and toned, because she viewed herself in that way...

It's been a while since I looked in to Relationship theories for Psychology, so I can't remember where I'm actually going with this. haha :')

BUT, of course personality does play the main role in all of this. It just depends on your self worth, how you think of yourself that adds to it (and that can alter through time).

That really wasn't any help, was it? haha :')

traceyjayne64

I dont think our relationship would change nomatter what size i was, we have such a great chemistry together...my hubby makes me feel like im the sexiest person alive all the time. The only thing he comments on at the moment about my weight loss is that i look so much happier in myself...i have a permanently happy face :happy:

fteale

I think most people have an inbuilt mechanism of going for the best you can. There have been experiments on this with people with numbers on their heads and trying to pair up with the highest number you can. Most people aim within their own league or one up if they can.

I do actually know quite a few couples where one is very overweight and one fit, but I would say they were probably still equal in terms of overall attractiveness (taking into account looks, weight, personality and income).

ukgirly01

Wasn't there some kind of study a few years bam that more or less said you are more likely to gain weigh if the people you live/socialise with are over weight. In this situation people stop being aware of just however weight they are becomming as they each compare themselves to each other. Don't know how true this is but could explain why you see more couples that are either overweight together of both thin.

LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo

I don't think weight is an issue here. When I was overweight, I had several boyfriends & all of them were lean. I think its a matter of personal preference & my ex boyfriends before told me that they prefer someone who has more meat than the skinny ones.