I don't want to hurt her, but....

vger11

I need some advice, NO crap from haters, concerning my teenage/adult daughter and her desire to drop +20lbs. Like most young adults these days, most of her time is spent logged-on and sedentary….no wonder the obesity rate.
She’s a full-time college student living at home, 5’5 165lbs medium frame, a great portion of her weight is in her belly. … slightly overweight thru HS plus the freshman 15.

I know she really wants help, but we definitely have different ideas of working out … Altho type II diabetes plagues our extended family she is mostly focused on appearance, but she’s become complacent with her “food baby” (god help me where that came from).
I prepare most of the meals and buy mainly healthy/lean items (i.e. snacks only on the weekends, seldom red meat/pasta), but naturally she eats on campus and goes out with friends….

The two things I stress to her when she becomes frustrated, “You are beautiful” with no but’s….and “It’s mostly intake cut down on calories”

As a mother, I have to admit that I am a little concerned and far from understand how eating too much/junk food has become so out-of-control and unbalanced for so many young adults. The generational thing is a bunch of crap….and the genetics thing is BS. So don’t go there….

Question for those who experience these issues:
What more should I say/do?
What would you appreciate in the same situation?
When to give up the role of “motherer”?

I’m definitely a “if you live under my roof / if it’s on my $$” kind of mom, but what is too much….got another kid coming up right behind her. I don’t want to hurt my kids, but I also don’t want them to hurt themselves either….

misskerouac

That's a really tough situation to be in, honestly it's taken me into my mid to late 20's to figure out how to change my lifestyle. And it really wouldn't have mattered if anyone told me I was overweight even if they were trying to be helpful, I still would have taken it offensively and not done anything about it.

I understand you are concerned for her health, but until SHE really wants to change, I think it's going to be really hard for her to hear anything you say or do as helpful. And i'm not talking about her just SAYING she wants to lose weight, because lord knows i said that for years before life smacked me in the face and made me change. I think it definitely helps when you get that mindset of wanting to change your lifestyle and wanting to get healthy instead of wanting to look a certain way.

After 5 family members died of cancer and one recently diagnosed that was it for me. I stopped dead in my tracks and said "I need to be the healthiest I can be, I need to make sure my body can fight whatever comes at it"

Sometimes I think it takes a wake up call.

Sorry I don't have any constructive advice for you on what you can actually do to help, I just know with me, it really wouldn't have mattered what anyone else told me, it had to be when I was ready.

neverstray

Give up the role now.

Be the change you want to see in her. Maybe you can inspire her someday. Not now, but maybe in the future. Don't nag, suggest, or say anything. Just have good healthy food around, eat healthful food, exercise, and show her without saying anything. If she gets down on herself, ask her if she wants to run/walk/hike or whatever with you. If not, just say ok, and move on.

linzirussell

I think she needs to want to do it for herself. Ive lost over 100 pounds but if my mom ever used to mention my weight, it just upset me and made me then go and comfort eat lol.

i think until she gets to a point where she wants to change herself, there's nothin you can really do. I can imagine how hard it is to watch a family member go through it but they need to want to change themselves, good luck with it all x

R_is_for_Rachel

i'm 34 and even now i don't like my Mum telling me what to do(or anyone tbh!)
best advice is to leave her to make her own choices/decisions about food,etc -she'll soon learn
if she brings it up then be supportive and matter of fact -if you eat junk then you will put on weight-but otherwise don't say anything because it's her body
just my opinion tho

Captain_Tightpants

I'm not a parent so take this advice with a grain of salt, but I'd guess that leading by example is the best thing you could do. If you harp on at her about it she'll just rebel and eat worse. Let her eat healthy under your roof and whatever she desires when she's out with friends. Eventually she'll come around and realize her mom is doing things the right way and her friends aren't.

elfie9863

I have two daughters, 25 and 28. They both look awsome and take good care of themselves. BUT, if I had EVER even HINTED that they might go take a walk or have an apple instead of CAKE...OMG. My advice, say nothing. Just be a good example and it has seemed to follow thru for me anyway.

I have ridden horses all my life, but tried to teach my then 12 yr old how to ride...well...it just didn't matter and no way was she going to listen to me. So just sent her to lessons, which went great and she listened to the exact same thing from anyone other than me. HA!

Way of the world.

dad106

I was never overweight in high school but in college I gained a lot. My mom was willing to do anything to get me to lose the weight because of how un-happy i was... but because I wanted to hang out with my friends and look cool, I refused to do anything about it. I ate like a pig, drank like a fish and never exercised... and thus 40 pounds piled on.

Once I got out of the college and home away from that mindset, I knew something had to be done. I was un-happy with how I looked, how my clothes fit and how I felt. I also knew that if I kept this up, I was only going to get bigger.. which is def. what I didn't want!

Eventually she will figure it out... and until then just support her the best you can. Let her make mistakes and learn what works/what doesn't work for her.. The worst thing that you can do is be the over-bearing pushy parent. This is her time to grow and learn.. and if you are there to catch her every time, then she'll never be able to stand on her own two feet.

sherry9300

My advice is to keep serving nutritious meals, be a good example, but other than that stay out of it. It's just going to frustrate both of you to try to take any control of the situation because, frankly, it's not yours to control. Quit beating yourself up over this.

CherrySunday

I've struggled with my weight my WHOLE life -- since about the age of 9 (I'm 35 now). My mom tried to get me involved in after school activities and in the summer had me join up with a gym activity group for kids. I dropped weight at times, BUT it always came back eventually. Other kids/sometimes even adults would tease me or comment about my weight issues, and that just made it SO much worse. As an overweight kid/teenager you need the supportive love from your family, and I really think that's all you should give your daughter right now. We all know just how deeply personal weight issues can be. Many people believe it's just a case of "you just need to get more active" or "you just need to eat better or eat less." BUT, that's never really the case. It's usually something mental that's going on, and your weight is there as some protection device, to hide and to keep people and sometimes life itself at a distance.

My advice is give all the love and support you can for the beautiful person (inside and out) that your daughter is. Second, lead by example (which it sounds like you're already doing). Introduce her to MFP maybe, so she can find other supportive people. It's a proven fact that the people you hang out with reflect the way your eating behavior goes. If one or two friends indulge in second helpings or general bad eating habits, then the others around them will usually give in and follow. I would encourage her to share walks with you (that's at least some activity) and educate her on food choices and what the body really needs to perform well. Strokes and heart attacks are big in my family, so maybe educate her about any family health problems and let her know that every food choice she makes matters in the long run and can have an effect on the body for years.

Good luck, as I know this cannot be an easy talk for any parent to have with their son or daughter.

AlmstHvn

Is there anything you could say now that would be new or educational over what she already knows? I'm guessing she already "knows"...

usmcmp

No matter what you say or do it has to be something she wants bad enough to do it herself. From experience I know that nothing others say or do makes a difference until I decide it's something I'm going to do.

nickyeatrunread

I was always a little bit "chunky" growing up and occasionally my grandma or other family members would suggest maybe watching what I ate, but, since I hadn't come to the realization on my own, it just made me angry and resentful. Eventually, I came to that realization myself and that's what got me to change--now those same family members tell me how great I'm doing and seem to be inspired themselves by my dedication.

That said, I agree with what everyone is saying. The best thing I think you can do is be a good example for your daughter and to support her as much as possible. Hopefully she'll see what you're doing and be motivated by you or one day you'll suggest a walk together and she'll take you up on it.

lorihalsted

At this point you just need to let her make her own decisions. As you pointed out keep the meals and snacks healthy at home. She is the only one that has the total control at this point. No matter what you say right now you are Mom that doesn't know ANYTHING about losing weight (or education, or relationships, or faith, or money choices, or careers, you get my drift....) and she is not going to listen until she is ready. She may be 40 years old by the time she is ready.

Hopefully she will live by example and see the error in her ways.....it's a lifestyle change that she is going to have to make and you can't do if for her as badly as you would like to.

Best of luck!!!! And congratulations on your loss!

skinnieminniemouse

I was just over her weight at the start of last year, and my mum didn't say anything to me. I decided that I wanted to lose and then she supported me the whole way, she doesn't buy as many treats and we have desert day on a Sunday. I don't think there is much you can do until she says that she wants to lose some weight. Just encourage her to pick the healthy options and wait until she gives you a chance to support, or you could suggest doing something together, like a 7 day healthy eating detox. When she starts seeing results she should be encouraged!

becoming_a_new_me

Sounds like a chapter out of my past...although at least you are supportive of her. I will tell you as the "daughter", in my early 20s, I wanted to lose weight, but I sure as heck didn't want anyone telling that I needed to or how. As others have said, drop this lead ball and be an example. She'll eventually figure this out on her own and do something or she won't, but you can't keep pushing or you will push her away.

JennyJacobsen

My son is obese and he is going to be 13 in June, he weighs more than me and is the same height as I am. I would recommend not saying anything. This morning we said something about how much he was eating, he started to cry then Forced his way to his room. I felt so bad, I try getting him more active but it just doesn't happen. He is going to want to do it himself. I do the meals and they Are nutritious. So at least that helps for showing him how to eat properly. Its the portion control he has problems with. I hope this helps U. Good Luck

shanahan_09

Give up the role now.

Be the change you want to see in her. Maybe you can inspire her someday. Not now, but maybe in the future. Don't nag, suggest, or say anything. Just have good healthy food around, eat healthful food, exercise, and show her without saying anything. If she gets down on herself, ask her if she wants to run/walk/hike or whatever with you. If not, just say ok, and move on.

I totally agree with this. Even if we think as parents our kids aren't listening/watching...they are!

Aerohead21

I was overweight the first time I lost weight and it was my mother who helped me. She and I both knew I needed to lose weight. She also knew I wanted to lose weight but didn't know how. She started by having a one on one, heart to heart, honest conversation. Mainly it was her reaffirming that she knew I was struggling with my weight and that she wanted to be a support for me. She isn't and wasn't very educated about it so I'll be honest and say her help didn't actually help, but I knew she wasn't trying to hurt me and she was sincere in her care. I'd say do this with your daughter. Sit down with her and have a real, honest conversation with her. Also, do your research before hand about healthy ways to help her. Also, I agree with the person who said model the behavior you want her to do. Buy and cook the good food. Cook with her. Teach her portion sizes. Exercise with her or help her find exercise she likes. I'd be careful about being overbearing, but if you let her know you are listening, she may feel welcome to talk and you guys can come up with some good goals.

mes1119

As sad as it is I would say leave it.

Back in high school I was an athlete, weighed 135 at 5'2" which is a NORMAL weight.

HOWEVER, according to my parents it was always "lose ten pounds and you'll be good" or "you'll be a better swimmer if you lose some weight"

This, along with some nasty comments peers made about me, caused me to lose 30 pounds and be WAY below normal weight. I eventually gained it all back but to this day I still have issues with accepting my body and feelings of not good enough.

And while I know my parents meant well, those comments were something that has been very difficult for me to deal with through my life.

w2bab

I had three teenagers in my house for three years. The harder you push, the harder they will push back. My daughters struggled with their weight and their self-image all through their teen years and now that they are in their early 20s they are very diet conscious and work out regularly. When my youngest gave birth in October 2010 she was back to her pre-pregnant hotness in just a few weeks. They have to want it for themselves, and the best thing to do is be supportive.