I don't want to hurt her, but....

kcoftx

Here's my story...

I was raised by my dad. He was a bit controlling on the food front. A little bit too policing. It came from the right place. There is a family history and some associated health issues he was concerned about. At the time that he started, I was really okay. He just wanted to make sure I stayed that way. Before you know it, I became a closet eater. I don't think I was mad at him but rather I felt deprived. I did want some control over what I ate.

I moved in with my mom one year. She took a different approach. I remember when we were sitting around and talking while she was cooking and she looked at me and said, "You know... you really don't eat a lot but I do notice you drink a lot of your calories." My mom also had the candy out in the open. We were allowed to eat those things if we wanted. At the same time, she was making healthier meals. Occasionally when I was practically salivating over something she was cooking, she would explain HOW it was a healthy meal. She would be very detailed about it and it was mostly informative and not about me. She never made it about me. I didn't have to weigh myself. I didn't have to account for what I ate. I never got criticized for anything I ate or told I shouldn't eat something. If I wanted it, I could make that choice and have it. I was 17 at the time. Late teens and 20's are all about asserting our own independence and finding ourselves. This was the right move. I also know she planned some outings as a family that were physical (not just walking) and she encouraged me to go to the lake often.

I love my dad. I actually moved back in with him my final year. But my mom is the one that got me started on thinking about food in healthy ways. That has a lasting impact far beyond a few pounds initially packed on. Because of her, when I did pack on from pregnancy and I was finally ready to let it go, I could think back on some things she said. Some foods, she said, I can eat a lot more of than others and it will help me keep a good weight by providing balance. BUT she was never about deprivation or I couldn't do something. I am thankful for that. Also I appreciated she didn't make food topics a source of constant discussion. In fact, it was very sparingly. Just enough to plant the seed and let me do the thinking.

Were there times in my life that I packed on the pounds? Sure there were. For a variety of reasons. But ultimately she started my journey of understanding food and how the body works and having a healthy respect for it.

My point is what you should be doing now is laying the foundation. Stop focusing on each and every move. Focus on lifelong lessons you could be teaching her but in ways that are more bonding and instructional. I agree with being the change and modeling.

As for activities, when it warms up, I already have a zip-lining date planned for me and my kids. My oldest and I want to take a diving class together.

EmmaGFree

Give up the role now.

Be the change you want to see in her. Maybe you can inspire her someday. Not now, but maybe in the future. Don't nag, suggest, or say anything. Just have good healthy food around, eat healthful food, exercise, and show her without saying anything. If she gets down on herself, ask her if she wants to run/walk/hike or whatever with you. If not, just say ok, and move on.

What a beautiful sentiment, and great advice I think "Be the change you want to see in others" will be a motto for me from now on.

BBoros

I have been overweight my whole life. I was made fun of during high school, never got to go to any parties etc... My mother died when I was 13 and all I had was my father, which he always introduced me to his friends and his "Big Baby" Boy did that hurt, I turned to food for comfort. He would always tell me "You need to lose weight" I wouldn't listen, He even offered me 100 dollars to lose weight, nothing worked. I look back and wish I would of tried harder to lose. Now I am serious about this journey I am on. My advice is to be supportive, she will see the light.

vger11

I am amazed at the genuine and thoughtful responses I've received from this topic...
can't thank yall enough for the clarity and perspective ... esp those who share their own personal stories, much thx.

First I'm going to reread every reply...next I will definitely take a step back and continue telling my daughter that she is beautiful and perfect in my eyes. Perhaps we will find a "fun" way to exercise together...

Mostly I hear that she has to make her own decisions and I simply need to listen to her without trying to fix it, even when it sounds like she wants me to say/do more. Thx

ninerbuff

Setting and being the example speaks louder than words.

A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

monet13

Give up the role now.

Be the change you want to see in her. Maybe you can inspire her someday. Not now, but maybe in the future. Don't nag, suggest, or say anything. Just have good healthy food around, eat healthful food, exercise, and show her without saying anything. If she gets down on herself, ask her if she wants to run/walk/hike or whatever with you. If not, just say ok, and move on.

Totally agree with this! And letting her know you love her and will do what she needs to support her

monet13

Give up the role now.

Be the change you want to see in her. Maybe you can inspire her someday. Not now, but maybe in the future. Don't nag, suggest, or say anything. Just have good healthy food around, eat healthful food, exercise, and show her without saying anything. If she gets down on herself, ask her if she wants to run/walk/hike or whatever with you. If not, just say ok, and move on.

What a beautiful sentiment, and great advice I think "Be the change you want to see in others" will be a motto for me from now on.

Be the change you want to see in the world - Ghandi quote

Just1forMe

Give up the role now.

Be the change you want to see in her. Maybe you can inspire her someday. Not now, but maybe in the future. Don't nag, suggest, or say anything. Just have good healthy food around, eat healthful food, exercise, and show her without saying anything. If she gets down on herself, ask her if she wants to run/walk/hike or whatever with you. If not, just say ok, and move on.

Exactly. Doing/saying anything else will just make matters worse.

s1lence

What more should I say/do?

Continue being supportive but don't baby. If she is sitting and doing nothing but you are going to exercise invite her to go with.


What would you appreciate in the same situation?

I know that my dad did something that affected me majorly. He went and lost 30 lbs in order to spend time with my son, his first and so far only grandson. When he proved to me that he could do that then he got me motivated. Something else that got me going that he did was took me to a trainer friend of his. The guy only new what my dad told him and got to know me about three days before he really started to talk to me about my motivation or my methods of exercising. He knew that I would have to continue exercising at home without his help or anyone else physically with me, so he let me have the full blown truth. He was nice about it but it woke me up a little more. Also he put a challenge in my head. I'm a competitive person and I don't like to be told I can't or won't do something. He told me that he thought that in my heart that I was a quiter. Sounds mean but man everyday I don't feel like doing something that would help my weight loss (not exercising, not eating healthy) his voice would pop in my head and something in me makes me want to prove him wrong.

leojsivad

I know it may be hard, but you're going to have to let her make her own decisions.

The choice to be healthy MUST come from within, otherwise it will only be temporary and ineffective.

All you can do is model good eating habits/exercise, and let it be.

vger11

I took one line from everyone's comment and posted on my vanity. The most important job I have as a mother is to love my child(ren).

Thank you all for your beautiful insight(s)....I am truly appreciative and so happy I asked for help.

You've already help me to say/do the right thing tonight :bigsmile:

stubbysticks

Sorry if this is a repeat, I haven't read thru all the other comments. I have a 14 yo daughter who is overweight, so this is a very real issue for me as well. I was also overweight at her age & even lost some weight in high school when my well-meaning mother signed me up for NutriSystem. Unfortunately that didn't teach me anything about how to read nutrition labels or prepare my own food, so of course I regained what I'd lost after I stopped eating NS food. It was actually kind of traumatic...I think I lost about 40 lbs & my before/after pictures looked exactly the same. I got 1 positive comment from someone at school...no one else seemed to notice.

What I firmly believe has made me successful this time around is cementing in my head the connection between intake, activity, & my weight. Looking back, that was what I didn't get back then. I know my daughter is self-conscious about her weight & the last thing she needs is me telling her what to do or giving her a reason to feel shame about what she eats. I do what I can to teach her that connection, that she should pay attention to the caloric value of the things she eats most frequently in relation to the portion sizes, & how doing some extra activity can offset extra calories without increasing her weight. I don't force it upon her, but I jump on every opportunity I have to teach her things about nutrition & how I make decisions for myself as I continue working on my weight loss.

I did see some others say that you can't control her choices, which is true. All you can do is try to educate her about what the results of those choices will be, & offer alternatives. If she refuses to see it, let it go. As a young adult she'll need to figure it out on her own, & if she reaches a point where her weight becomes problematic for her, she'll be motivated to do something about it...& not a second sooner. The good news is that when she IS ready, she will remember many of the things you have told her. As long as you don't create an "I told you so" kind of dynamic between you, you can be the loving support she'll be seeking when that happens.

tjfrisqu

I would have to agree with you. Let her see your succsess and eventually she'll be coming to you for advice. My son is gay and I totally hated one of the guys he dated. I decided that he was so much like me that the best thing I could do is doing nothing. By doing nothing I avoided him going ahead with the relationshep just to spite me. You may be surprised at her choices in the future.

r1ghtpath

my mom said some pretty hurtful things to me in high school and college about my weight. i was a size 6 in high school and a size 4 when i started college. i gained the freshman 15 and she made as many comments about it as she could. even took me to a doc and told me to tell them i was gaining weight.

needless to say, her comments messed my head up. i'm in my mid 30s. and her comments STILL mess my head up. i've done more damage to myself due to her telling me to eat less, than i ever would have had she not said a work and just loved me and supported me. i now have 4 daughters and bet your butt i will never speak to them the way my mom did. i want them to grow up with a healthy relationship with food. i do not want them to be in their 30s before they finally are able to do this. it's depressing as all get up.

especially when she tells me to eat less and i'll lose weight and so i eat less and DON"T lose weight. only to come to find out that if you eat less sometimes it's too little and you can't lose weight!!!

so, if i were in your shoes. i would make sure there was healthy food in the house. and leave it there. if YOU join the gym or are going for a walk, ask her if she'd like to go with you. otherwise, she's an adult. let her make those choices for herself. and let her know that you love her unconditionally. no matter what!!!!

jody664

I can echo what just about everyone has said. I was 5'0" in high school and 120 lb. My mom always wanted me to diet and lose weight, once even telling me "how do you expect to get a husband at 120 lb?" Of course my mom was raised in the 50s where women had a completely different role in life than they do now and EVERYTHING was about appearances, so I try not villify her.

My younger sister, on the other hand, heard all Mom's talks with me about weight and heard the message "you must be skinny to be loved." She developed anorexia and bulimia.

So my mom caused major body image issues with both of us without realizing what she was doing. My advice......stop talking about it and let her figure it out on her own. Let her know that will love her at any weight.

liog

My mom gave me all kinds of advice on everything imaginable. Of course she was right about almost everything, but at the time I thought she didn't have a clue. Nothing she said made me change anything I was doing. Be an example to her, but let her make her own choices, even if they aren't the choices you'd make. If she comes to you for advice, give it. But love her and accept her for who she chooses to be.

shaybethxo

i see what you mean and it must be a difficult situation to be in, but most young girls are sensitive about their appearance. i know that if my mum talks to me about my weight, i clam up and get defensive. i had to realise on my own that things had to change, and i'm doing it for myself, not my mum. whatever you say to her, say it tactfully. suggest you join the gym together or go for a run together. it shows you're willing to support her and stuff.
hope it goes well

r1ghtpath

THIS!! but, i will add, only if YOU have a healthy relationship with food!

Setting and being the example speaks louder than words.

A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

stubbysticks

Let her know that will love her at any weight.

I kind of agree with this. Of course you should let your children know that you love them unconditionally. But the health risks of obesity are very real & it's important to make our kids aware of them. These days there's a lot of "big girl acceptance" type stuff that bothers me a bit - this is kind of a tangent, but I think it's relevant. It's not simply being ok with yourself even if you're plus-sized. It's this attitude like "screw you for telling me I'm big, I don't need to lose weight, I'm fine just the way I am" usually followed by "my dr says I'm perfectly healthy" or something similarly defensive. I see it in the media sometimes & among my in-laws, many who have turned to bariatric surgery to get weight off, & none who have kept it off successfully.

I think I have a healthy acceptance of my body these days. I do love & accept myself the way I am currently. But that is separate from the fact that I do still have more weight to lose & it's not ok for me to stay at this weight indefinitely because of the health risks it could present down the road. Truly loving myself means continually working to improve myself & that includes my weight.

vger11

Let her know that will love her at any weight.

I kind of agree with this. Of course you should let your children know that you love them unconditionally. But the health risks of obesity are very real & it's important to make our kids aware of them. These days there's a lot of "big girl acceptance" type stuff that bothers me a bit - this is kind of a tangent, but I think it's relevant. It's not simply being ok with yourself even if you're plus-sized. It's this attitude like "screw you for telling me I'm big, I don't need to lose weight, I'm fine just the way I am" usually followed by "my dr says I'm perfectly healthy" or something similarly defensive. I see it in the media sometimes & among my in-laws, many who have turned to bariatric surgery to get weight off, & none who have kept it off successfully.

I think I have a healthy acceptance of my body these days. I do love & accept myself the way I am currently. But that is separate from the fact that I do still have more weight to lose & it's not ok for me to stay at this weight indefinitely because of the health risks it could present down the road. Truly loving myself means continually working to improve myself & that includes my weight.

this speaks volumes about the epidemic of obesity and disease in our family/society.