I don't want to hurt her, but....

msgingerc

I'd like to give you some advice from a daughter's POV. I was overweight in high school, too, and my mum used to give me pretty much just rabbit food to take to school. Our school was a small and remote one, so there was no canteen or place to buy food. I'd eat the lunches she sent to school with me because there was no other choice, but I hated them and made up for it when I'd get home from school while sitting on the couch or in my room.

My mother is not a sporty person herself, so she never encouraged me to get involved in any physical activities. THIS would have been so much more constructive and beneficial to me in the long run. I am now in my late 30s and do treadmill, kick boxing, zumba, and a whole bunch of other stuff as part of my weight loss lifestyle - and I LOVE it.

My suggestion to you would be to find some sort of activity that you and your daughter could do together - either a Zumba class or even an at-home workout video of some description, but something fun! If it is fun and interesting, she will be motivated to get involved in some kind of physical activity on a regular basis. If it is something the two of you can do together, that's just a bonus.

I wish you the best of luck in encouraging her. I am sure you know this already, but the line between tough love and judgement can be pretty thin to a teenager or girl in her early 20s.

yvonnej1

From your post it sounded to me like your daughter already has said that she wants to lose weight and you wanted to support her, although judging by other replies maybe I got that wrong as they are more concerned with her having to decide for herself and you not pushing her.

You say she is mainly sedentary so putting aside diet for now, can you encourage her to exercise more as that it also a big part of healthy lifestyle? I notice you say she has different ideas on working out to you, I'm not sure what you mean by that, but could you try taking up a new class together, perhaps something like Zumba to try together, it could be a nice way of spending time with her too.

WildcatMom82

I think what you're doing sounds fine, I wouldn't push anymore. I was very overweight growing up and if I ever complained or asked my mom if she thought I was fat she told me I was beautiful and perfect, but if I wanted to be healthier she'd work out with me, buy healthier snacks, etc. I didn't lose weight until I went away to college and decided I was going to be serious about it, I really believe it has to be a self driven thing. I got enough outside nagging and weight comments from peers, it would have been really upsetting to hear it from my mom, too. I really credit her positivity about my body to my good self esteem, I was 5'6, 220 lbs at my heaviest.

sweet110

She may still be your baby girl (and you may still be supporting her)...but as a college student, she's an adult. Leave her alone. Even when she seems to be "inviting you" in by complaining about her body (young women seem to delight in complaining about their bodies...by itself, it shouldn't be taken as a cry for advice.) If she asks you for advice...directly...point her to *resources.* At this age, she wont' be able to take direct advice from you anyway. But indirect help may do wonders.

And...if she is social at all, its probably not eating junk food at home that is doing her in...its the late night pizza and fries with her friends that's doing it. She'll have to figure out how to balance socializing with nutrition through experience. And I second the poster who said to "lead by example." Perversely, competitiveness with her mom ("my mom is getting in better shape than me!") may spark a change in her. I'm not too good to admit that when my mom starting losing weight...and approaching my size...it was the spark that got me moving. (I know...sounds awful. But I'm only human...warts and all. And it DID get me moving.)

karenjoy

hmm I have not had this issue, I had the opposite, my eldest daughter was anorexic, we just did not let it become a bigger issue than it already was, anorexia is a lot about control, and so is changing your lifestyle to be more active and eat better.

I wonder how she is funding her fastfood? Is she working and paying from her own money or are you funding her? If you ARE funding her, then you have one option, well one i would use myself...I would stop. I would say you can no longer afford to fund her fast food, and being as you provide food at home, she actually does not need it. I would say, hey, I have plenty of healthy good food in the house, you do not need extra money to buy crap that is really bad for your health, no need to mention weight, health is different, you can use the type 2 thing, as this is almost exclusively diet related, and your family has a tendency towards it anyway,

get her to walk with you, ask her for her company etc, try and engage her in support of you...

Chloe_Chaos_

You're basically saying that you are my Mom lol I'm a 22 year old girl in my 5th (AND FINAL!!!) year of college.
My mom has been attempting to get me healthy for years. Unfortunately I didn't give a flying frito what she said. My mom works out almost everyday, eats healthy, and has a great time, so does my dad. I live with them both. For as long as I can remember (pretty much since she decided to lose a bunch of weight years ago {maybe 7?}) she has told me that the leading cause of death for women is heart disease. I've normally ate somewhat healthy, just outrageous proportions but over the past year (since I turned 21!) I gained an extra 30lbs. I've NEVER been the skinny girl, more of an athletic tomboy type body but I've also never felt this crappy in my life. One day (actually January 31st @ 5'6" 170lbs) I woke up and decided that I didn't want to die. My grandfather had severe heart disease and died very very early (in his 60s), my grandma has had a stroke (she survived and is doing great!), and my other two grandparents have died from cancer (60s then 70s). So I told my boyfriend that we were done with going to Applebee's happy hour every day and that we were not going to die.

So here I am, one month in and almost 10lbs lighter. I eat clean, I train really really dirty. I am loving the transformation my body is making and my mom, dad, and I work out on the weekends together. I wish I could tell you that I did it because my parent's badgered me. But mostly it was because death plagues my family and I finally opened my eyes and decided that my life is worth living for. Plus, I live in California and everyone spends their summer in a bikini, including me. And last year's pictures I was the somewhat fat friend, this year, not gonna happen.

I want to live to be 100 years old. I want to live, REALLY LIVE! Not just slug around life.

I wish I could tell you that my Mom pestering me helped, but it didn't. Often times it made me eat more. But here I am. Perhaps she'll come around.

RandomMiranda

I'm 29 and was overweight most of my life. My parents never pushed me to be more active, but they weren't good role models either and I never learned to eat well and exercise while I was living with them. That said, if they had tried to push me it might have made me dig in my heels and not want to care about my weight. Every now and then one of my parents would say something about my legs being big or an outfit not fitting right, and it never motivated me at all. It just made me feel helpless and I reacted against it and put on more weight during college and grad school.
I agree with the comment that you should be the change you want to see in her. If she is living in a healthy environment where exercise is considered normal, but it isn't being pushed on her that might inspire her to change on her own. What made me change was finally being fed up with how I looked, taking the time to learn about nutrition and exercise, and ending up having a few friends who cared about exercise. I don't think my parents could have helped unless they had raised me with a desire for healthy food and an active lifestyle all along.

shine_

I agree with everyone saying she has to want it herself. It has to click for her. I could have lost my extra weight so much sooner if I had wanted to, and my mum is nutritionist goddess and goes to the gym twice a day. Needless to say my mum is pretty damn fit and healthy, and always has been. The advice was always there if I had wanted it - and I soaked up so much from just being around her and observing her that I even knew how to eat and what to do all along, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to, while I was at school, trying to balance everything else I had going on, face the fact that if I start, if I take that step I have to keep on going because if I fail that will be worse than not having tried at all. As long as I didn't start that's what I could blame it on, not the fact that I tried but couldn't do it.

Obviously I don't know your daughter, none of us do, but if she's anything like I was she will be aware of what she needs to do, but if she's not doing it, I don't think it has anything to do with you not doing enough as her mum, it has 100% to do with her and the timing being off. Of course it is better to start now, sooner rather than later but if her heart isn't in it there won't be any results anyway. Just be there for her when she approaches you when she's ready instead.

muddyventures

Give up the role now.

Be the change you want to see in her. Maybe you can inspire her someday. Not now, but maybe in the future. Don't nag, suggest, or say anything. Just have good healthy food around, eat healthful food, exercise, and show her without saying anything. If she gets down on herself, ask her if she wants to run/walk/hike or whatever with you. If not, just say ok, and move on.

I have a 14, 12 and two-7 year olds (all girls), It struck me in recent years tht I needed to do just what the above statement says. I'm working hard and speaking openly about my food choices, my exercise choices, and even the choice to treat myself. My 12 year old has been running two miles with me 2 times a week (interval run - walk) and now my 14 year old is wanting to join.

As girls they are concerned about how they look and we always speak about food (now in the recent two years) as energy in, and energy out. 'you are what you eat', eat to live, don't live to eat. I think that by doing it and now they see results, they want to exercise too (although they are not at all over weight in anyway), and I encourage them to join me.

We just registered for a 4 mile race as a family (minus the 7 year olds), and we are committing to a fun run once or twice a year as a family. I think if your daughter sees results in you, she will begin to understand it can happen for her too. I want to add that even my skin, and hair are healthier and my kids have noticed that too.

I gained weight my freshman year of college and it wasn't for three years that I finally lost that weight and kept it off until I was married and having children. She may have to faulter through a few crash diets or the unhappiness phase before it all clicks.

Sorry to ramble.... hope it encourages you though.

BaconMD

My mom, as far as I could recall, didn't ever really even mention losing weight to me. Maybe she did; I would have blocked it out anyhow. I knew I was unhealthy, but I didn't really care. Well, I did. But not enough. I made jokes (food baby is HILARIOUS to me, btw.. sorry). But I didn't grasp how serious it was. If my family had pushed me into it, I doubt I would be where I am today. I probably would be bigger or maybe dead. I had to come to this on my own, and for me, it was shortly after walking up my one staircase became such a huge chore that I was winded by the time I reached the top. I can sprint up and down them for some time now, and I would be perfectly fine.

I don't know your daughter, but it seems like maybe she feels how I felt, and I hope she'll come around sooner than later.

42micheller42

I am commenting so I can follow this link ..def have the same issue at home...

esperluette

I had just started a thread about parents calling their kids fat last night and shared my experience about my mom always calling me fat. It seems that you are much more tactful than my mom, but from the replies I've gotten, insensitive comments can definitely leave a mark on a person so by you encouraging healthier eating habits and having healthier food in the house, you are providing tools that can help her take a step in the right direction. Your daughter is in college, and she is old enough to know and realize what is good for her and what isn't. At this point, she will make changes if she wants to do it for her. Just keep emphasizing that health is the main concern, not appearance. That's how I feel about myself and the changes I want to make. Maybe you can encourage exercise through physical activity that isn't the traditional gym routine, such as hiking, yoga, or even just asking her to go on walks with you and having mother/daughter bonding time.

cgray

It seems like your daughter has a healthy self-esteem already. She's named it a "food baby" is it, but maybe if the two of you took some fitness classes together she would see all the amazing things her body can do if she's willing to work at it. That way you aren't working to lose weight you're working to do 100 sit-ups or a pull up. The weight loss and health benefits will come naturally but the focus will be on getting stronger, becoming more self-reliant and tougher. Start with something fun like a women's self-defense course. Good luck.

boo333

Give up the role now.

Be the change you want to see in her. Maybe you can inspire her someday. Not now, but maybe in the future. Don't nag, suggest, or say anything. Just have good healthy food around, eat healthful food, exercise, and show her without saying anything. If she gets down on herself, ask her if she wants to run/walk/hike or whatever with you. If not, just say ok, and move on.

bump

CyberEd312

I commented this in another thread.... The only thing you can do is "Lead By Example" no one can be forced into doing something they are not ready to do. Trust me on this my family tried for a decade to get me to wake up and see the destructive path I was on but every time they came at me with intervention in mind I told them to F*&( off because they had the problem not Me!! and it wasn't until they went on living their lives that I realized I was getting left behind and that it was in fact me that needed to change... So if I was you just be there for them and don't force anything upon them... Lead a healthy and fit lifestyle and show them by example that it is worth their time and effort to follow your lead..... Good Luck!!!!

Butterfly3730

That's a really tough situation to be in, honestly it's taken me into my mid to late 20's to figure out how to change my lifestyle. And it really wouldn't have mattered if anyone told me I was overweight even if they were trying to be helpful, I still would have taken it offensively and not done anything about it.

I understand you are concerned for her health, but until SHE really wants to change, I think it's going to be really hard for her to hear anything you say or do as helpful. And i'm not talking about her just SAYING she wants to lose weight, because lord knows i said that for years before life smacked me in the face and made me change. I think it definitely helps when you get that mindset of wanting to change your lifestyle and wanting to get healthy instead of wanting to look a certain way.

After 5 family members died of cancer and one recently diagnosed that was it for me. I stopped dead in my tracks and said "I need to be the healthiest I can be, I need to make sure my body can fight whatever comes at it"

Sometimes I think it takes a wake up call.

Sorry I don't have any constructive advice for you on what you can actually do to help, I just know with me, it really wouldn't have mattered what anyone else told me, it had to be when I was ready.

This!!!

katy_to_120

I agree with the others who have said you need to lead by example. My mum told me I was overweight when I was 7 for the first time, and this continued throughout my teenage years. Even though she was trying to be helpful, I ended up with a mild eating disorder. Although I am a healthy weight now, I am still plagued with food, weight and appearance issues, and am sure I will be for the rest of my life.

If I could have had anything, I would've wanted my parents to invite me out on walks etc., but not put the pressure on me. I found my own way eventually, but I needed to do it myself. Their pushing is a large contributor to my unhealthy attitude about myself and my relationship with food.

I understand how hard it is to hold your tongue, but trust me, it's going to be much better for all of you in the long run.

Good luck.

vaulttea

She'll regret gaining the Freshman 15 (or whatever it ends up being) later on... but speaking as a person who gained 50 lbs in college and has struggled with weight forever...there's not really much you CAN say to her. She'll need to figure it out for herself. I think it's more important at this point that, as her mother, you do what you can to keep her self esteem in a good place. If she feels good about herself, and if she's happy, isn't that what matters? Her self respect will eventually guide her to make the nutrition choices she needs to make.

I'm 26 now, and it only frustrates me when my family criticizes my weight (they're all fat, too, btw...). It never helped me to have someone else tell me what to do. It took me getting my own wake-up call...a combination of health factors and a hard break-up...to motivate me the way I needed to be motivated.

I think it would do more long-term harm to criticize her weight at this point and possibly damage the trust that you two have in your relationship to a point that she doesn't feel comfortable talking about it with you or turning to you for help in the future. Like many of these other people have said, lead by example, be supportive of her, love her, and it will fall into place eventually.

amykathleen2005

Why do you care about 15lbs? If she is 5'5" and 165lbs as you said she is not very much overweight. I wouldn't say anything, be an example, provide nutritious choices, but you'll give her a complex thinking she is really fat (which she isn't) if you say something directly.

daffodilsoup

When I was in college and had less than desirable eating habits, both my parents were on Weight Watchers and had each lost a considerable amount of weight. I think they believed that by saying things to me it would sort of help me, so they would give me "advice", comment on how much of something I was eating, that sort of thing. I don't think they wanted to do it in a condescending way, but since I wasn't yet ready to make the transition, I just saw it as offensive and honestly annoying. If anything, it made me see food as something I had to hide from them - I didn't want to eat junk in front of them, but it was only because I didn't want to be hassled, not because I wanted to be healthy. I just wound up eating poorly away from them.

Now it's a bit of a role-reversal, because my parents are the ones eating poorly and I am the one losing weight. Whenever I want to make a comment, even with the best of intentions, I remember how it felt when they did the same to me.

I will echo the advice of others who suggest to lead by example. In time, she will come around and either figure out what she needs to do, or straight up ask for your advice. You are doing the best thing possible by showing her a good example of health and dedication, but since she is an adult, she ultimately has to make the choice and transition on her own.