Would you tell them?

abellante_0205

you can lead people in a direction but you can't make them do anything if they arent ready. My parents tried to convince me that I needed to work out 2 years before I actually admitted it to myself and swallowed my own pride and did it for myself. I was 43.3 lbs overweight, and now I am only 3.2 lbs away from my goal, and I am proud of myself!!!!!!! Just be patient, and be there for the person, until she/he is ready... She/he will realize it soon... hopefully. It took me Wii Fit to "wake up". I had to see it for myself on the scale...

jmehere

It's like any addiction. When you are in denial, you won't hear what others say. More than likely it will just be taken as an attack. "Yeah, I'm eating a loaf of bread and all these Easter eggs right now, but it's a holiday and I don't usually do this...." could be the response. Everyone has their own personal bottom to hit. And more than likely, they won't realize they have a problem until they hit that bottom. Denial is very powerful.
I say respect the person where they are at. You cannot save this person, they have to save themselves. All you can do is offer your love and support for who they are right now in this moment. And that's all any of us ever want, addicted or not.

chevy88grl

I actually have a friend who does this.

She's probably close to 100lbs overweight. She is always commenting how she wishes she were my size, could wear the clothes *I* wear, can't find any cute clothes that fit her, etc. Then she'll go to break and eat an entire king size package of Reese's peanut butter cups, a 20oz Mt Dew and a big bag (not huge, but not snack size) of potato chips. I've told her that the key to losing weight is to eat better, so she decided the solution was to only eat once a day. *sigh* THAT is NOT what I said to do. I tried to help her, but I gave up when she kept arguing and fighting with me about things. You can't force someone else to change their bad habits. I finally told her "If you aren't willing to make changes, STOP complaining to me about your weight, how you feel and how scared you are of ending up diabetic like your dad. I tried to help and you don't REALLY want me to help you".

After this experience, I've stopped telling someone. I figure if someone really wants to change their life? They'll do it. They don't need me to point out to them what they're doing wrong. I think most people want to be thin and healthy, but simply don't want to make the changes necessary to achieve it. They have to want it for themselves.

NoAdditives

I am 1 of 4 siblings (all girls). As a child I was the "chunky" one and they were all thin. As we grew older I learned to eat properly and am always watching my wieght. All 3 of my sisters are Overwieght. There is nothing you can say to them. However, you will be surprised how a "picture says a thousand words". No matter how thin I am...I always see a fat person in the mirrior. My sisters all know they are overwieght, but they see themselves as thin. For some strange reason when we see ourselves in pictures it;s a whole diferrent perspective. Take a picture of her and hand it to her when she's eating something she shouldn't, don't say a word, let the picture do the talking. If she asks why you are giving her a picture...just say becuase "I love you" and leave it at that. She is the adult and person ultimately responsible for herself. Ps.. The picture must be printed , not an image on a screen, even if it's off your computer paper.

If someone did that to me I'd be utterly humiliated and then I'd want to kill the person who did it.

Yep. That seems like a really passive-aggressive and downright rude way of handling the situation. I'd rather someone say something directly. Having a conversation about it shows they actually care. Handing someone a picture says, "Here. You're fat." and implies a level of disgust. It's way more hurtful than a conversation.

birdlover97111

I wouldn't. Adults know they are fat; why torture them by reminding them of it? It's just not supportive. Lead by example.

This ^-^

FlyByJuly

bump for later

mzhokie

We went out the other night and drank beer. We love good microbrewery beer too. Since dieting I'm a light weight so I only had one. I mentioned that I looked the beer up and it was 350 calories a glass! My friend said "I'm going to start hating hanging out with you if you keep ruining things for me like that!" hehehehe I try to keep the calorie counting to myself but sometimes I can't help it.

It's tough. I drop hints more when I cook something really healthy and say "I made this dish the other night that was fantastic and only 400 calories per serving. I amazed even myself." Which usually leads into what the dish might be at a restaurant and the calorie difference.

So saying "I found this great new bread the other day.... it is loaded with fiber and protein that only one or two slices will fill you up!" might be a smart way to go vs "do you know how many calories you just ate?" hehehe I sometimes throw out some tidbit I just found out about food or healthy alternatives.... I think my friends are sick of me talking about Greek Yogurt.

SunnyAndrsn

If someone you know and care about had a serious weight problem and kept on about how they where being really good while eating half a loaf of bread and whole Easter eggs to themselves ect. Would you point out to them that they are kidding themselves it would you just let them believe they are doing really well?

Only asking because someone very close to me is doing exactly that and I'm not sure weather to being up the subject or leave it? What would you do?

I try to avoid this. I'd leave it. Mainly because I would have become defensive if someone who had lost a bunch of weight commented on my eating habits when I was not ready to make a change. If anything, I'd simply say "If you ever decide you want information on how I've been successful with lifestyle change, let me know"

lax75

If someone you know and care about had a serious weight problem and kept on about how they where being really good while eating half a loaf of bread and whole Easter eggs to themselves ect. Would you point out to them that they are kidding themselves it would you just let them believe they are doing really well?

Only asking because someone very close to me is doing exactly that and I'm not sure weather to being up the subject or leave it? What would you do?

I think what would be most frustrating about this situation is not so much whether the person should lose weight, but that she talks a lot about how "good" she's being - and however diverse your diet is, hard to see how half a loaf of bread at one sitting is "good". The positive thing, though, is that she has already brought up the topic of losing in the conversation.

Someone else posted what I thought was a good "speech" to say once the topic has been raised - it ran something like "gee, I know just what you mean. When I started seriously trying to lose and not having any success my problem was portion control [or whatever] and using MFP and a food scale really helped me with that." You could also add - "If you decide to sign up, let me know and I'll friend you."

In 2 or 3 sentences you've been sympathetic, shown you understand how tough it can be, offered a suggestion which is a lot more constructive than just saying "eat less", and also offered to work on your health together. She may not take you up on it, at least not now, but you'll have done what you can and when she *is* ready she'll know where to find support.

Good luck to both of you!

CharityEaton

you can tell people till your blue in th face but until they are ready to make a change and stick with it, it just won't matter!
What I found to work was MY success. I would get so excited talking about all ofthe great friends and support I was getting on MFP that all of my sisters checked it out and are trying really hard to get in shape and be healthy as well. It took some time but two of my sistersin particualr are really doing great now. I get to support them and encourage them but they made the choice all on their own!

NoAdditives

From the opposite side of the viewpoint:

My mother eagle eyes everything I eat and critiques/criticizes it. If I plateau I MUST be doing something wrong and she starts telling me all these ways she thinks that I should start doing because I HAVE to be cheating or doing it wrong. Yesterday I called to tell her that I had broken through another plateau and that I was able to get a pair of jeans on that I had not ever worn because they were too small without even laying down to zip them. Her response was, "I hope they aren't TOO tight because that makes you look fatter." Never a way to go or congratulations, ALWAYS something wrong with what I'm doing. NEVER MIND that I've lost a total of 54 lbs! It gets very discouraging to me because I go into the mindset of "If I'm being accused of doing it, I might as well be guilty." and it sabotages my mindset. I have to work three or four times as hard to stay on track when she does these things than when i'm given just a bit of encouragement or when people notice that I AM doing something RIGHT. So keep up the encouragement. Invite her over and serve a healthy meal etc... But keep in mind, until SHE has the right mindset, it probably won't happen.

That reminds me of my mom. When I was first trying to get in better shape a few years ago (only 20ish pounds overweight at that point and was going on 2 mile runs every night) she would just tell me I was getting "soft", or "big". Obviously, I knew she was just calling me fat. Instead of offering helpful advice (she used to be very healthy and all about exercise) she'd feed me fried quesadillas. So not only was she totally rude, she was sabotaging me as well. (And no, I honestly didn't realize fried foods were that bad. I'd had no nutrition education whatsoever.)

JaclynnGail

I think it depends so much on your relationship and the situation. I have a close friend who is trying to lose weight and is absolutely clueless about what she needs to do...so when we go to the gym and she isn't pushing herself enough, or when she says she is going to make a "healthy" meal of a big pot of mac and cheese...dang straight I point out to her that what's she's doing clearly isn't working and that she needs to try something different. Sometimes, I even point this out in a judgmental and somewhat mean way, but she takes the criticism really well and thanks me for trying to keep her in line. But there is another girl who is a 'kind of" friend who is trying to lose weight but constantly announces to the world that she ate a box of cookies for lunch, or that she is getting up in the middle of the night to make cake....I keep my mouth shut on that one. It's not my place, and I don't know her well enough to say anything.

Soooo...I say you just kind of have to use your best judgement and gauge the situation. Good luck! It's hard to see, but sometimes people do have to figure things out on their own.

Shayztar

She probably already knows, but is in denial. I was in that same boat. She needs her own wake up call, no matter what you say. She might even despise you for saying something. Wait until she asks your opinion. Or if she seems like she's fishing for it, like, "It's probably fine to eat this much chocolate, don't you think?" Then you've got an opening. Otherwise, you might jeopardize your friendship. She'll see your results and might ask you your secrets. Then you have all rights to say something. That's IMHO.

Teksavvy

I wouldn't say anything. As several posters have mentioned already, you won't be "heard" until the individual is ready. Now if asked, I will mention what I'm doing and give details. Even then I say what I am doing, not what they are doing wrong. I don't comment on what they SHOULD change unless specifically asked.

Zarebeth

As I said on another thread, I would love my 75 year old mother to quit smoking and lose weight. But advice, no matter how well intentioned, has the opposite effect. Do you think she doesn't know she is fat, and eating badly? When someone gave YOU advice like that, did it make you immediately say to yourself - "OMG - how on earth did this happen? I thought I was thin and healthy" then run to the gym? No. It steeled your resolve to be able to eat, drink or smoke whatever the heck you wanted because nobody was going to tell you what to do.

No matter how well intentioned, it isn't going to work. Keep your mouth shut - it's none of your business.

bloodbank

If you are very close, I would tell her with truly good intentions at heart. I would do it in a very tactful and supportive manner. Offer a hand, or just simply tell her that you need more help on YOUR journey. Tell her you would benefit from working out with her by putting in some walking time. Good luck, hope it helps! :flowerforyou:

I like this.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything. Anything you say is likely to sound something like "I THINK YOU'RE SUPER FAT, EWW" to her ears no matter how tactful, and truthfully it isn't anyone's business what someone else does with their body - it's almost never our place to say to someone else "I know what you need better than you" (even if you probably do). But if this is someone you truly care for and are worried about, the idea of involving her in your journey under the guise of you needing more support (which, really, who can't use more support?) is the least offensive. She might be gung-ho to help you out and realize she loves learning to fuel and move her body properly. Or she might not, and that has to be ok too.

hollyberry2012

to the OP, I've read every post. ~whew~ my eyes hurt!

This is all I have to add.

Getting emotionally and spiritually ready to lose weight can take a long time. It depends on many factors including age, type of family environment, upbringing, health issues, friendships, and both work, home, and social environments, not to mention maturity level.

But what I've found to be true in my own life, is that it takes QUIET TIME. Meaning...alone time. Time to work through one's past, present and future, without all the noise of everyone's opinions, judgements, criticisms, and endless advice. This could take years, or depending on circumstances, could happen quickly.

For instance, the death of a loved one, or finding one's true love, or a sudden onset of a health issue might trigger a soul search much faster than one might think possible. Or, some of these things could add to the 'noise' in the mind and cause the person to need even more quiet time to work things through for themselves.

The best thing you can do is not to add to the noise. Noise is unsolicited ANYTHING. It is also noise, if they ask, but you are ugly, rude, unhelpful in your response. So if you add to their thoughts, your thoughts, do so if solicited, and in the most loving manner, considering that person's heart to be more important than your own at that moment.

luv_lea

You can't make anyone do something that they don't want to do themselves. Nothing you say will be able to change that for anyone. Like the saying..."You can't help someone who is not willing to help themselves."

Lead by example. And hope people will notice and want to follow.

jmehere

to the OP, I've read every post. ~whew~ my eyes hurt!

This is all I have to add.

Getting emotionally and spiritually ready to lose weight can take a long time. It depends on many factors including age, type of family environment, upbringing, health issues, friendships, and both work, home, and social environments, not to mention maturity level.

But what I've found to be true in my own life, is that it takes QUIET TIME. Meaning...alone time. Time to work through one's past, present and future, without all the noise of everyone's opinions, judgements, criticisms, and endless advice. This could take years, or depending on circumstances, could happen quickly.

For instance, the death of a loved one, or finding one's true love, or a sudden onset of a health issue might trigger a soul search much faster than one might think possible. Or, some of these things could add to the 'noise' in the mind and cause the person to need even more quiet time to work things through for themselves.

The best thing you can do is not to add to the noise. Noise is unsolicited ANYTHING. It is also noise, if they ask, but you are ugly, rude, unhelpful in your response. So if you add to their thoughts, your thoughts, do so if solicited, and in the most loving manner, considering that person's heart to be more important than your own at that moment.

Awesome. Well said. I'm logging that noise definition.

rhill1963

If you are very close, I would tell her with truly good intentions at heart. I would do it in a very tactful and supportive manner. Offer a hand, or just simply tell her that you need more help on YOUR journey. Tell her you would benefit from working out with her by putting in some walking time. Good luck, hope it helps! :flowerforyou:

I like this.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything. Anything you say is likely to sound something like "I THINK YOU'RE SUPER FAT, EWW" to her ears no matter how tactful, and truthfully it isn't anyone's business what someone else does with their body - it's almost never our place to say to someone else "I know what you need better than you" (even if you probably do). But if this is someone you truly care for and are worried about, the idea of involving her in your journey under the guise of you needing more support (which, really, who can't use more support?) is the least offensive. She might be gung-ho to help you out and realize she loves learning to fuel and move her body properly. Or she might not, and that has to be ok too.

Emmabulliemum

It's a hard one as they have to want to loose weight to be in the right place. May be try subtle hints about how you feel good and how easy it can be with MFP. If you really think they can take it be upfront and point out how much damage they are doing to themselves but remember we are all in the right place and have made the decision for US. they have to want the same thing so it may fall on deaf ears but good luck x

Phoenix59

I tend to agree with those who say don't say anything unless they bring up the subject. My daughter is overweight and until very recently would not discuss the subject. I never said anything to her, even though I had to bite my tongue every time she talked about eating this, that or the other. When she finally broached the subject, she asked for suggestions, etc. Now, my daughter knows me and she knows that I will not sugarcoat anything, so she was prepared for me to be very blunt with her. I told her she needed to stop eating crap, start exercising and track her food intake. She was pretty receptive. She's slowly working on changing what she does, but it's a start.

My husband, however, is a whole different animal. He complains about his weight and diabetes resulting from it. I make pretty healthy meals for him, which he seems to enjoy (meaning he doesn't complain). However, it kills me every time I discover candy wrappers in his truck, his pockets, etc. or when he tells me of the desserts someone brought into work (and how much he ate!) or pizza luncheons. It would be different if he did these things in moderation, but my man doesn't really get that concept. I have taken to shutting him out when he starts complaining about his weight or lack of exercise and have chosen to lead by example. I'm hoping someday it will "take." :ohwell:

Songbirdy

Another vote for the don't say a thing category. But I would, depending on the relationship consider a modifier to that.

If I knew them really well, if we talked a lot about a lot of things, if we had a relationship in which we *often* talked about deep personal items of concern about each other then I would say what I had to say and say it *just once.*

But before I opened my mouth I'd have spent a lot of time thinking about what exactly I wanted to say and try to say it in less than 5 minutes.

No tactics, no manipulation, just words, and less than 5 minutes.

And then that would be it.


The truth is we all know right from wrong and what we should and shouldn't do. To some degree there are variations but we all know what has to be done.

A nudge is often a push in the wrong direction, no matter the good intention.

To me the definition of Love is that you are there for that person, and that you choose to be there when it isn't pretty, what you want and/or what you think is best.

When the person is ready and when they approach you first... then talk and share. But *always* far less than you'd like. When they start talking repeatedly and longer and they really feed of the conversation, then you can have the conversation you'd like. The likelihood is that they'd already be closer to a healthy lifestyle at that point anyway.

I've had to mention to my really passionate friend a few times that your passion for 'x' is not a call to be an evangelist for 'x' (insert breastfeeding into x, for example).

81Katz

No because I didn't like when I 'felt' criticized when I was heavier. I didn't like when I felt like I was given looks or sometimes I even felt like I was being talked about.

HOWEVER, I might think something ...but I just don't say it. I agree that most people are very much aware when they're overweight. They know they aren't eating well or doing enough. They are just in denial. I know I was. I kept thinking I wasn't 'that' heavy. A couple times there were things or situations that should have MADE me see it, but I didn't and deep down I did know ... but I just didn't want to face it.

sakwari

I would tell them. It may not be easy to say or hear for that matter but I think it should be done. When I got to college, I gained alot of weight and not one of my friends mentioned that I was falling off the deep end. I was studying aboard in Madrid and met a guy who is now my roommate and about 2 months in, we were out and he took me aside and said, "I'm tellin you this because your my friend...You need to lose weight." For knowing me only 2 months and tellin me that, I was obviously taken a back but grateful. Since then, I've been on a path to losing weight and making lifestyle changes.

Another way to look at it is ask yourself the same question. Would you want someone to tell you if you were falling off the deep end?

Tajdancer

From the opposite side of the viewpoint:

My mother eagle eyes everything I eat and critiques/criticizes it. If I plateau I MUST be doing something wrong and she starts telling me all these ways she thinks that I should start doing because I HAVE to be cheating or doing it wrong. Yesterday I called to tell her that I had broken through another plateau and that I was able to get a pair of jeans on that I had not ever worn because they were too small without even laying down to zip them. Her response was, "I hope they aren't TOO tight because that makes you look fatter." Never a way to go or congratulations, ALWAYS something wrong with what I'm doing. NEVER MIND that I've lost a total of 54 lbs! It gets very discouraging to me because I go into the mindset of "If I'm being accused of doing it, I might as well be guilty." and it sabotages my mindset. I have to work three or four times as hard to stay on track when she does these things than when i'm given just a bit of encouragement or when people notice that I AM doing something RIGHT. So keep up the encouragement. Invite her over and serve a healthy meal etc... But keep in mind, until SHE has the right mindset, it probably won't happen.

Please stop sharing your weight loss journey with your mother. Just stop. You haven't gotten support from her in the past, you won't in the future. Just. Stop. You're doing a marvelous job without her input.

Tajdancer

I'd also vote for the "lead by example" option. If you share your successes with her, she might just ask you how you do it, then you can pounce (gently!) and tell her. And maybe she'll be inspired to try it out for herself.

MaudeBeige

I haven't read many of the other comments on this thread so excuse me if somebody else has said the same thing but I was your 'unhealthy friend' a few months ago.

My sister sat me down and we logged my food for that day. Just for interest of course... I know now that her intentions were not so innocent!!!

Since then I haven't looked back - had a few not so healthy days but keep jumping back on the proverbial horse!!! (OK, had more than a few unhealthy days but WAY better than I was!)

SuffolkSally

I'd try the sneaky route - i.e. say that I would like her help and support with MY weight loss. It's often easier to do things for others than ourselves - and she must know she's not doing very well. I doubt very much she'll appreciate you pointing it out. From my experience; I know I'm too fat, and also that I drink too much. My response when anyone else tells me so is generraly to have a large prtion of cheesy chips or open a bottle of wine, depending on which issue has been pointed out. I love my friends for their support and tolerance, if I want help there are other sources which aren't so personal.

Clarecbear82

to the OP, I've read every post. ~whew~ my eyes hurt!

I don't get what you mean??