Unsupportive friends :(
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I agree that you should sit them down & talk to them about how they are making you feel. No one should ever make you feel lousy about trying to better yourself & your health. If they are true friends they will listen & take what you have said to heart & be more supportive of you. If not then maybe it's time for a new group of friends. We are all here to give support because we understand the affects of being overweight. Whether it's mentally, emotionally, or physically. Unless they've been there they will never truly understand. But it doesn't mean they can't cheer you on as well.
I second this. If they are unaware it hurts you then they will continue on. All you have to say is "it hurts my feelings when [insert reason here]" Let them hear you out and if they have anything to say, hear them out and just discuss it like adults. I had a best friend who was pretty crummy in certain areas of our friendship and I would finally have enough and talk to her about it and ask that she respect my wishes and I would do the same. Sad to say she never really changed, but at least I tried.
And if they don't want to hear about your day at the gym or what you ate that was so many calories or anything else, you have to respect that too. The same subject over and over can get annoying and sometimes light retaliation comes from it. I know you want support but they can support you in their own way. If you need more, make friends at the gym and you can gab about the specifics together with them.
But really, if all they're doing is being unsupportive and trying to "playfully" sabotage you and find nothing wrong with it, you'd do better to distance yourself from them for a while until either they figure out it's not funny but a serious matter or you walk away altogether. It's not fair to you to have friends who, just because they've never had to do what you're doing, act like that. If they truly just want a fat friend to make them look good then they can put an ad on Craigslist.0 -
This was one of the first things that I had to do. I had to really take a good hard look at my friends and determine which ones were a benefit / support for me and which ones were triggers (physically / emotionally). I had to be strong enough to let some friends go but I am so much happier today and I have a VERY strong and supporting group of friends. They are amazing and do not do anything to sabotage my journey. They took me to the beach to celebrate my 100 lbs and even when we go out to get food, they get healthy stuff because they don't want to eat bad stuff in front of me. Of course, then they go home to eat cookies and chips but it is never done in front of me. The cool thing is I never ask them to do any of them, they do it on their own because they love me and care about my health. It was a hard road but parting ways with some folks ended up making me stronger in the end.0
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I wouldn't say anything to them, I generally don't think talking about diet or exercise or weight plans with anyone is a good idea. If you keep those things private, people probably won't notice you losing weight. It's not as if they are with you 24/7.0
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I wouldn't say anything to them, I generally don't think talking about diet or exercise or weight plans with anyone is a good idea. If you keep those things private, people probably won't notice you losing weight. It's not as if they are with you 24/7.
The problem with that is, some people honestly need the support from their friends and/or their family to keep them going. If I didn't have my mother helping me and being proud every time I lose weight, I don't think I would have lasted my first month because it's hard and sometimes discouraging and you need someone to say "you're doing well" or just "good job." You don't have to tell everyone, but hiding it all in a proverbial cave isn't going to help either especially when eating and they try to encourage foods that are not healthy.0 -
a lot of my friends are the same way. there are a few who constantly tell me straight out to stop losing weight...but...i'm still about 30 lbs away from a healthy weight...so, i guess they want me to be unhealthy? i have one friend who's really supportive, and only invites me out to healthy restaurants, when I KNOW that they secretly want nachos lol
I don't talk about my diet either. I mean, I've lost 100lbs, so people know i'm doing something, and i'm not gonna eat a burger and fries just because my "diet is private". when we go out, and i order the fish, a salad, and water when everyone else gets wings, fries, and beer...it's a little obvious and they always comment. i usually just reply with something like, "i'd get the wings if i had your metabolism...but, sadly, i take after my mother" as a kind of joke, even though I really wanna stab them in the eyeball with a fork.
i try to use the words, "no thanks" instead of "i can't" when people offer me bad food, cuz i think sometimes it can make people feel guilty for eating it themselves...then they turn around and have to criticize you to make themselves feel better.
sometimes it bothers me, but most of the time I just feel like this is something that I have to do, and they just don't get it. I have the "hot" friends who don't even try, and they're never know what it's like until they hit their 30's or 40's and they're metabolisms slow down...then they'll be asking YOU for advice lol
good luck, and don't let that stuff bring you down!!0 -
Stop talking about your "diet" and the gym. Talk about other more important things.
They are most likely just giving you a little good-natured teasing. Don't assume malevolence. It's almost never reality. Most people mean well and you have to look at it that way.
What a rude and unsupportive comment :S
OP, you're not obligated to put up with their bull****. I have a close family friend whose son used to humiliate me in front of his friends, calling me fat, making fat jokes, making a scene whenever I ate, etc. It really affected my self-confidence, which was already low. I stopped spending time with him when at his house and I felt better, albeit with a low self-esteem and depression. You don't need toxic people in your life. Good luck, and hugs
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My favorite quote....
"“Surround yourself with people who are going to take you higher.” Oprah Winfrey
Good thing you are surrounded by people here that support you and understand! Just stay focused on your goals. And remember that you deserve this!!!0 -
a lot of my friends are the same way. there are a few who constantly tell me straight out to stop losing weight...but...i'm still about 30 lbs away from a healthy weight...so, i guess they want me to be unhealthy? i have one friend who's really supportive, and only invites me out to healthy restaurants, when I KNOW that they secretly want nachos lol
I don't talk about my diet either. I mean, I've lost 100lbs, so people know i'm doing something, and i'm not gonna eat a burger and fries just because my "diet is private". when we go out, and i order the fish, a salad, and water when everyone else gets wings, fries, and beer...it's a little obvious and they always comment. i usually just reply with something like, "i'd get the wings if i had your metabolism...but, sadly, i take after my mother" as a kind of joke, even though I really wanna stab them in the eyeball with a fork.
i try to use the words, "no thanks" instead of "i can't" when people offer me bad food, cuz i think sometimes it can make people feel guilty for eating it themselves...then they turn around and have to criticize you to make themselves feel better.
sometimes it bothers me, but most of the time I just feel like this is something that I have to do, and they just don't get it. I have the "hot" friends who don't even try, and they're never know what it's like until they hit their 30's or 40's and they're metabolisms slow down...then they'll be asking YOU for advice lol
good luck, and don't let that stuff bring you down!!
Great response. I agree with her.0 -
a lot of my friends are the same way. there are a few who constantly tell me straight out to stop losing weight...but...i'm still about 30 lbs away from a healthy weight...so, i guess they want me to be unhealthy? i have one friend who's really supportive, and only invites me out to healthy restaurants, when I KNOW that they secretly want nachos lol
I don't talk about my diet either. I mean, I've lost 100lbs, so people know i'm doing something, and i'm not gonna eat a burger and fries just because my "diet is private". when we go out, and i order the fish, a salad, and water when everyone else gets wings, fries, and beer...it's a little obvious and they always comment. i usually just reply with something like, "i'd get the wings if i had your metabolism...but, sadly, i take after my mother" as a kind of joke, even though I really wanna stab them in the eyeball with a fork.
i try to use the words, "no thanks" instead of "i can't" when people offer me bad food, cuz i think sometimes it can make people feel guilty for eating it themselves...then they turn around and have to criticize you to make themselves feel better.
sometimes it bothers me, but most of the time I just feel like this is something that I have to do, and they just don't get it. I have the "hot" friends who don't even try, and they're never know what it's like until they hit their 30's or 40's and they're metabolisms slow down...then they'll be asking YOU for advice lol
good luck, and don't let that stuff bring you down!!
Completely agree with this.
If it's only the diet comments that you don't like about these friends, then stick with them, but keep the dieting to yourself. I find it FAR more satisfying to keep it to myself and get the "oh, you've lost weight!" comments from people who aren't expecting me to look smaller, than from people who know I'm busting my *kitten* to shed a few pounds. It's more genuine that way and is a MUCH bigger compliment.
You're doing so well, keep at it!0 -
I know the feeling of being the fat friend in a group of skinny friends. That's always my role. And I've also been like your friends at times. I've made fun of my cousin for eating really healthy, even on vacation. But when I look back at it, I did it because I was jealous and insecure. I was jealous that she had the discipline to eat healthy and I was insecure about my weight and appearance.
My advice would be to tell your friends that it is not ok for them to make fun of you and that you will not tolerate it anymore. You have to tell people how to treat you. It may take awhile before you don't have to remind them about it, old habits die hard, but eventually, they will stop.
Also, when the subject comes up, try and switch it to a different topic. If they say something like "Come on, you can eat french fries sometimes. Why are you being so crazy about it?", you can tell them, "This is what I want to eat today. I don't want any fires. Please don't make anymore comments about it. By the way, how is work (or school) going?". It's about addressing the situation and moving on. Don't linger on it.0 -
"This is what I want to eat today. I don't want any fires."
I LOL'd, I'm sorry.0 -
They don't seem like very good friends from the way you talk about them. Know that you are taking care of yourself and that when you and your friends get older you are the one that is going to have a healthy body because you are taking care of yourself now, where as they might have problems because they don't see how taking care of themselves isn't just about looks. Stay motivated for yourself and think of all that you have achieved so far. It's hard but ignore what they say, and if they keep tearing you down when you are trying so hard maybe it's time to find new friends that understand this is important to you and respect your decisions.0
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Ya know what? It's gonna eventually catch up to them and if they were "real" friends, they would support you all the way. You're making such a big difference in your life for now and also for later on in your life. Forget them. When they start packing on some pounds or have to hit the gym, you can quietly laugh to your self and say, "I told you so." In the meantime, you have all of us on here in your same boat and will support and encourage you all the way! Go Team Healthy!!0
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Stop talking about your "diet" and the gym. Talk about other more important things.
They are most likely just giving you a little good-natured teasing. Don't assume malevolence. It's almost never reality. Most people mean well and you have to look at it that way.
^^This is excellent advice, in my experience. If you have been keeping your fitness journey quiet from them, and they are still ribbing you, maybe it is innocent teasing. At least, I'd like to think that. Maybe just start poking a little fun at yourself, and they will stop.0 -
I know exactly how you feel, all my friends back home (not the one's hare at uni) are exactly the same! Whenever we're all back together for holidays they always discuss who's lost weight/who's put weight on/who's ordering what when we go out for meals etc. Drives me crazy!
But like others on here have said, I know that deep down it's because they know they don't have that level of motivation so suuucks to be them! Plus, it obviously show's you're making such good progress! So keep it up lovely!0 -
That sucks, obviously they are not looking out for u. Just be strong and love urself first, cause if u don't no one else will0
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Just as you have decided to make changes in your life and lose weight, perhaps it's time to make more changes in your life and change false friends for real friends. Sometimes a little "house cleaning" in your life is sometimes necessary. One thing we forget when we make the big decision to change our life and lose weight is that we are going to encounter "the haters". Apparently your "friends" need a a fat person around to reassure them of their OWN insecurities. Girl, you have friends here on MFP. You keep doing what you're doing. I'm proud of you, because it takes a person who is sure of themselves to do what you're doing. Don't forget- find real friends who like being with you for who YOU are!
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Mybeach, Use those friends as motivation!! One year ago when I told my wife and friends that I wanted a 6-pack ( I was a size 44-46) and was going to start exercising and eating healthy they laughed at me and all took bets on how long I wouldstick to it for.
Well every time I didnt feel like working out or wanted to eat something bad I used their laughing as motivation.
Well the saying "" the one who laughs last, laughs best"" is true! Or laughs best and loudest in my case. :happy:0 -
I feel your pain. My advice would be to talk to them. And if they still continue then dump them at the curve.
A few week ago I decided I to tell my best friend (and I mean BEST FRIEND) about my success so far. So when she came over I was making us some wraps for lunch. I made her a wrap them started to make mine. When I pulled out my scale to weigh the meat for my wrap, she gave me a funny face and said... (these where the exact words of the conversation)
Friend: "Why are you weighing your meat?"
Me: "So I now how much I am putting on my wrap."
Friend: "Why?"
Me: "Just trying to be more aware about what I am eating."
Friend: "What are you on a diet or something? (said very judgmentally)"
Me: "No, I just decided to start eating healthier. And since I have made that decision I have lost 14 pounds."
(WAIT FOR IT!)....
Friend: "Oh, I didn't notice. Your face is still chubby though! (annoying laugh here)"
It hurt very badly but I laughed along. You will have to deal with these people who just don't get it and don't realize how big of a a** they are being.
(actually I am quit the hypocrite here because I still haven't approach her about it yet )
But just keep going and brush them off. You can do it because you are strong! Also, you have tons of supportive friends here on MFP.
Keep Calm and Carry On,
Anna :flowerforyou:
P.S You are soooo NOT fat!0 -
I'm in VA ill be your supportive friend/ gym/ an healthy buddy lol0
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Stop talking about your "diet" and the gym. Talk about other more important things.
They are most likely just giving you a little good-natured teasing. Don't assume malevolence. It's almost never reality. Most people mean well and you have to look at it that way.0 -
As harsh as this may sound, it may be time for new friends. No one needs people like that in their lives.0
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Time for new friends. Sometimes changes in our lives reveal a lot of weeds that hang out and literally do us harm. These people may be jealous and if they make you feel bad...then they are no good.0
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I finally saw a friend after a year of her being in Japan, she's always been skinny and attractive - I would have thought that she might say SOMETHING - but nothing was said...I'm kindof hurt. She knows that I have been working really hard at it - I don't get it.0
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Definitely sit down and talk to them and let them know what they're doing is really counter productive and hurtful and that as your friends they should be supporting your lifestyle choices. Real friends will get that it's serious and treat you like a friend should. My guess is that they're just seeing it as a big joke when it's actually a serious matter to you. I know I've been guilty of ripping on friends for stuff instead of being supportive. All it took was a quick chat to sort out
If they still want to carry on after that, well, it says how good friends they really were.
Big thumbs up with the above! 0 -
They are probably jealous you are hotter than them! They are getting insecure and want to tear you down, dont let them!!!! Trust me one day they will gain weight and be out of shape its easy to be skinny when you young, You will be one step ahead of them when that time comes...you are doing so good , dont give in . Ask them why they are not supportive of what you are eating etc. ?0
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I think that you need to sit them down and explain to them exactly how you feel. If they understand, then they will change and treat you with more respect. If they don't, then honestly are they really friends? Some people just can't make it without making someone else feel like crap. Be honest and if they can't handle it, I would find some new friends. There are lots of great people that go to the gym. Good luck0
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Enlarge your circle of friends. Perhaps join a walking group or a healthy journey group with the same mission. Avoid chatting about your diet or gym.
It is difficult as my journey consumes me. So I know it is difficult.0 -
Lots of support here. Feel free to add me. BTW . . . ditch the term "diet" and substitute "lifestyle" instead. IF your friends are being serious they aren't really your friends. Real friends would be supportive and encourage your healthy choices.0
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Wow. To me, a true friend is someone who supports you no matter what is going on in your life. They tell you when you're being a jerk, when you need a pep talk, are there when you need a shoulder to cry on, AND they support you when you are making positive changes in your life and help celebrate it...not sabotage you. Sounds like they are a fairly immature group...it may be that you've outgrown them. Sounds like you've come to a crossroads....sometimes getting healthy means getting rid of toxic relationships. You deserve better.
THIS ☝ WHOLEHEARTEDLY, IN A NUTSHELL!0
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