married and lonely, ok maybe that's TMI but..

confuzzledwife

I am so lonely and feel like a single mother. I am just simply not happy, haven't been happy in many years with him... he knows.

I know, why not get divorced.. well, I want to but my life right now and the situation I'm in really makes me feel stuck. He refuses to talk about it altogether.

I know this probably isn't the best place to post this stuff, but I figured what the heck, maybe there's someone else in a similar situation who can relate. I found SO much support and motivation this far on my weight loss from so many people here... it's crazy... so who knows, maybe there's someone else who understands this subject also.

lynn7298

Have you thought about couples counseling? Or are you past the point of wanting to make it work? In the long run, you have to do what is right for you and makes you happy. I hope things work out for you!

hbrittingham

I can totally relate. I have spent 21 years with my spouse, the last 10 years have been very difficult, but the last 5 I have withdrawn from the marriage emotionally. I cannot imagine my life 5 years or 10 years down the line feeling like I do now. The only reason I haven't been able to do anything so far is financial. I am the breadwinner and would have to keep the house, which is fine. But we do have credit card debt and I can't afford to take all of that on along with the house and my car payment plus everything else. He can't afford to take any of the credit card debt if he has to pay rent somewhere. So I am trying to figure everything out. When I do, I will get separated from him.

ambitious01

Do what it takes to make you happy!!!!! This is YOUR life, live it.

Faye_Anderson

Really wouldn't have posted this on here, these posts always end up in massive arguments, and that won't help your situation :flowerforyou:

atjays

Well since we're already having this conversation, you might as well dish out the reasons for not being happy, for feeling trapped and previous talks that didn't go so well. Just browsing your profile, you have two special needs children in the mix, do you feel like you couldn't take care of them alone or something else going on?

vsmurrow

Hey, I've never been married, so you may not want my opinion, but I have had parents and grandparents, friends and siblings with spouses, and (especially in reference to my grandparents who were married ('til death do they part) for fifty years) I know one thing for a fact: the bigger the hurdle you overcome, the bigger the reward.

I like what Lynn said. Get counseling. Get help. Talk to friends, professionals. Stage an intervention. Drag his *kitten* to church. Whatever. Just fight! FIGHT FOR THIS.

Wedding vows are no joke. Standing at the altar means standing up for something. Fight for him for the next 10 years, and if you still want a divorce after that, who am I to tell you otherwise? But I assure you that won't be the case.

You will find a kind of love and connection like you've never known. This marriage can, and will be, brand new.

MB_Positif

I would also suggest some counseling if you are both willing. That said, we as humans place too much stock in expecting others to make us happy. It is nearly impossible for this to happen because most of us (including myself) fail to communicate our needs in a way that anyone other than us can understand! Obviously I don't know what you have or haven't told him, but I am slowly learning that if I have an expectation of my husband I have to carefully explain it. That doesn't mean he'll agree with it nor meet the expectation, but I know that he knows what I have in mind. At least then I don't have to sit around making myself crazy with thoughts of why he isn't doing certain things that would make me really happy!! Good luck to you!

farmgirlsuz

Only you will know when the time is right. I stayed married for 19 years "for the kids" until one day I realized that my children learn by example and I did not want them to think that our marriage was the "norm". Yes it was VERY difficult emotionally, financially, and every other way you can think of but 9 years later I have NEVER been happier.
I was told by a close friend "I am tired of hearing you whine about it. If it is that bad, get out, otherwise shut up already." Kinda blunt but I guess I really needed to hear that and the rest is history.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Like I tell my kids "You only get one life. This is not a dress rehearsal, so live it the way YOU want."

plushkitten

Find what makes you strong.
About a couple years ago, I was with someone I was not happy with at all but unfortunately, he had put me in a place where I was isolated and lonely. It sucked. I wanted to get out, but he was the only one I could depend on being there but he was very emotionally abusive and manipulative.

But one day, I realized enough was enough, I started working out every day, establishing routines, eating better, sleeping better...everything. Living a healthier lifestyle led me to doing things where I felt comfortable on my own. When I was on my own then I started reaching out to old friends. These friends in return wanted to see me happy and supported me. I felt strong and confident, and I knew if I failed, I could pick myself back up again because I knew I had potential and strength. After that, I left him and I've been better ever since. I'm in a relationship with my best friend from high school and although life may be ****ty, I'm with someone whom I love very much and who supports me.

Sometimes life just folds all together when you make certain decisions. But you have to find the strength within yourself to come to a place where you can make that decision. Best of luck to you<3

Warmbloodwear

I so can relate...My husband and I are separated right now....
We do not have children which makes it much easier....I wish you the best :flowerforyou:

This has been the hardest time of my life... ((hugs))

Karalopolous

I would go to counseling, couples and or otherwise. Marriage is always gonna have it's sucky parts for good or bad marriages. See if he's up for it. You may be really suprised. Start there and don't look too far down the road, you'll be more upset than you need to be.

almc170

I'm so sorry you're going through that. I've been there too. In my case, I took the very drastic step of moving out to get my husband to notice how unhappy I was. We lived apart for 2.5 years. During that time, we went to couples counseling and both actively worked to improve our relationship. We moved back in together 2 years ago, and will celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary in September.

Ultimately, I guess you have to figure out if you are both committed to making the relationship work and what kinds of sacrifices you are willing to make, whether you decide to stay or leave. Sorting it out can be a difficult, frustrating process. Good luck to you, and I wish you the best.

Hoover8it

I was that way also after 12 years of being married. The last 2 years were the awful, we worked on it but as we both deceided we were more like roomates then husband and wife. Everybody needs that loving feeling and we did not have it. There were alot more issues like,money, trust and so on but in the long run we were not happy

I was so scared................I moved out because I could not afford the house and the bills It took awhile for my daughter to adjust (she was 10 at the time) but she is doing great now.

I have been divorced for almost 2 years and have a great boyfriend and the ex and I are the best of friends. We tell everybody we still have a kid to raise and that is the most important thing to us.

Carl01

Single and never married so take that into consideration.
You will have those who tell you to stick it out at all costs or for the kids,if you can find love and happiness then by all means.
If it is gone then do not,I grew up in a loveless home and is not what I would wish on anyone.
If somehow you do manage to hide it until they are grown then out of nowhere they will find the life they thought they knew was a lie.

You and they both deserve the truth.

confuzzledwife

Have you thought about couples counseling? Or are you past the point of wanting to make it work? In the long run, you have to do what is right for you and makes you happy. I hope things work out for you!

Yes actually we've gone to 2 different counselors. The first was a woman, and she tried talking to him about his "issues", we left there and he said "obviously she's siding with you, she's a woman", so, I told him to pick whomever he liked.. he picked a male, the male counselor pretty much said the same thing the female counselor did, my husband said "it's obvious he wants to have sex with you and that's why he sided with you". He's just so irrational - it's really past the point of no return

confuzzledwife

I can totally relate. I have spent 21 years with my spouse, the last 10 years have been very difficult, but the last 5 I have withdrawn from the marriage emotionally. I cannot imagine my life 5 years or 10 years down the line feeling like I do now. The only reason I haven't been able to do anything so far is financial. I am the breadwinner and would have to keep the house, which is fine. But we do have credit card debt and I can't afford to take all of that on along with the house and my car payment plus everything else. He can't afford to take any of the credit card debt if he has to pay rent somewhere. So I am trying to figure everything out. When I do, I will get separated from him.

I'm so sorry the situation you're in and I can totally relate to it... I hope things work out and you can figure a way out and find happiness!! We all deserve it!

katiedid1226

For all of you ladies in the same boat, feel free to friend me & we can discuss amongst ourselves if you'd like!

megansoriano

I use to have a jerky husband who did not want to talk or work things out. USE TO. I think marriage is suppose to be mutual in all aspects of the relationship. That one sided crap is pointless.

jjelizalde

I totally understand.

BrienJD

I so can relate...My husband and I are separated right now....
We do not have children which makes it much easier....I wish you the best :flowerforyou:

This has been the hardest time of my life... ((hugs))

Same here,

We tried to stick with it for too long. Now that we are separate we are each doing better. Each situation and everyone is different. I won't give advice because I didn't do such a good job myself, but I will lend you an ear. This may not be the best place for this but you know, support is support no matter where it comes from if it even helps just a little.

confuzzledwife

Really wouldn't have posted this on here, these posts always end up in massive arguments, and that won't help your situation :flowerforyou:

maybe you're right.. I definitely do NOT want to argue with anyone! I've had enough of that in my own house lol..

bevsdietfor2011

I, too, have been there and done that!! My parents stayed married for 32 years in an unhappy marriage "for us kids" well I don't think that is the best answer. I was the one to ask for a seperation in my first marriage and two days later he came home with divorce papers....HMMMMMM You have to really soul search and do what is best for you and the children.

I agree with the girl on the vow thing......I am in my second marriage and have just celebrated my 27th anniversary...we have been through cancer with my husband, rape by a friend of ours (was a friend) and other issues and I have had people say why are you still in the marriage and it is because I married "for better, for worse and in sickness and in health" so I will not run out on my marriage. As for my first marriage I was married to an alcoholic and it was getting worse. Talk it over if possible and see if you both are on the same page or not and go from there. I hope everything works out for you and I will keep you in my prayers!!! HUGS!!!

manderson27

If you are unhappy and the marriage is past saving then you have to move on. My advice would be look at the practicalities. Go through your budget, how much money would you have, what can you afford, where would you live if you moved out. Who would pay the household bills if you got to stay in the house. Talk to people who have been in your position, find out what help and support is out there for you.

With two failed marriages behind me I really sympathise with you it is awful to be in a relationship and still feel lonely. But there is life after marriage and you can make an independant life for yourself and I am sure in time meet someone who will be loving and supportive of you. I did and we have been together now for 20 years.

I know it is scary and emotional but try and be practical and keep the break up as amicable as possible that way it is a little less harrowing.

Take care and I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

cherpa56

Wow that is the story of my life, hopefully I will lose some weight , get healthier and feel better about myself and get motivated! Yea roommates, that is how my marriage is too.

confuzzledwife

Well since we're already having this conversation, you might as well dish out the reasons for not being happy, for feeling trapped and previous talks that didn't go so well. Just browsing your profile, you have two special needs children in the mix, do you feel like you couldn't take care of them alone or something else going on?

Well, there are so many details, really I couldn't list everything here.. but it boils down to finances.

I work p-t due to the extreme needs of my youngest son. Yes, he does go to school, however, in the past year he's missed on average of 2 days a week due to illnesses, neurological testing, therapies, and many other medical issues. My husband and I work opposite shifts which works well since we're not around each other much, HOWEVER, my husband just announced he will be switching his shift which means he'd be around every afternoon and every night.

. I know that probably sounds mean, but I have more work to do when he's home, he's not a good influence on our kids, he bickers with our older son non-stop, which means I have to stop what I'm doing to referee, then my husband starts arguing with me that I'm siding with our other son (I'm not), he sleeps when he does have days off and complains about the kids it's just childish, really.

I'm up at 530 every single morning and not in bed before midnight and I'm run down and exhausted. On Saturdays I work 7a-5P and my older kids tell me he ignores the younger one and leaves him in dirty diapers (he's 8 and non-verbal), which then causes him to get BAD rashes that I have to treat for the next 6 days.. I mean, in my opinion, it's neglect - then I think, if I'm going to work to try to help with the medical bills we have, am I also being neglectful leaving him with his father? When I say something, he accuses me of nagging.. it's just a never ending battle. Then he'll do what he's supposed to do for a day, then it all goes back to the same BS the following day.. that's just a little of what I go through.

tammyooft

...

hbrittingham

Well since we're already having this conversation, you might as well dish out the reasons for not being happy, for feeling trapped and previous talks that didn't go so well. Just browsing your profile, you have two special needs children in the mix, do you feel like you couldn't take care of them alone or something else going on?

Well, there are so many details, really I couldn't list everything here.. but it boils down to finances.

I work p-t due to the extreme needs of my youngest son. Yes, he does go to school, however, in the past year he's missed on average of 2 days a week due to illnesses, neurological testing, therapies, and many other medical issues. My husband and I work opposite shifts which works well since we're not around each other much, HOWEVER, my husband just announced he will be switching his shift which means he'd be around every afternoon and every night.

. I know that probably sounds mean, but I have more work to do when he's home, he's not a good influence on our kids, he bickers with our older son non-stop, which means I have to stop what I'm doing to referee, then my husband starts arguing with me that I'm siding with our other son (I'm not), he sleeps when he does have days off and complains about the kids it's just childish, really.

I'm up at 530 every single morning and not in bed before midnight and I'm run down and exhausted. On Saturdays I work 7a-5P and my older kids tell me he ignores the younger one and leaves him in dirty diapers (he's 8 and non-verbal), which then causes him to get BAD rashes that I have to treat for the next 6 days.. I mean, in my opinion, it's neglect - then I think, if I'm going to work to try to help with the medical bills we have, am I also being neglectful leaving him with his father? When I say something, he accuses me of nagging.. it's just a never ending battle. Then he'll do what he's supposed to do for a day, then it all goes back to the same BS the following day.. that's just a little of what I go through.

That sounds really tough sweetie. I can only imagine the frustrations you are feeling. I only had one child and he wasn't special needs, but the bickering between the two of them would drive me batty. My son moved out in July of last year (he's 23) and I think that's when I realized that everything still wouldn't be all right between us, even with my son gone (son is from my first marriage). Your stress level has to be totally through the roof.

lorro

I've been in exactly the same situation (although my kids don't have special needs) and had a similar experience of couples counselling. Are you getting much support from friends and family?

If you know it's past the point of no return then I would go back to one of the counsellors alone. Usually relationship counsellors will support couples or individuals and will help achieve whatever is in the person's best interests, either reconciliation or separation.

For me. in retrospect, feeling "stuck" and trying to "figure a way out" was all about trying to negotiate an amicable separation, which was simply not possible. I sense from your post that you are in a similar situation to the one I was in. Please do begin to make plans if you are at the point where you know you can not tolerate staying much longer. You don't have to do anything until you feel ready, but at least you will have somewhere for you and the kids to go if you need to leave.

I stayed far too long and my separation, when it happened, was fairly traumatic. But even from this difficult beginning, my quality of life improved hugely almost straight away and has continued to do so. Amazingly, my ex and I also get on fine now. My kids are happy.

Where you are at now is about as hard as it gets. Once you have found a way forward, you will never look back. Take care of yourself and your kids :flowerforyou:

jjelizalde

See a family law attorney. You may options you are unaware of. Contact your local county bar association for a referral for a free consultation to at least see what your options are.

llamalland

Hey, I've never been married, so you may not want my opinion, but I have had parents and grandparents, friends and siblings with spouses, and (especially in reference to my grandparents who were married ('til death do they part) for fifty years) I know one thing for a fact: the bigger the hurdle you overcome, the bigger the reward.

I like what Lynn said. Get counseling. Get help. Talk to friends, professionals. Stage an intervention. Drag his *kitten* to church. Whatever. Just fight! FIGHT FOR THIS.

Wedding vows are no joke. Standing at the altar means standing up for something. Fight for him for the next 10 years, and if you still want a divorce after that, who am I to tell you otherwise? But I assure you that won't be the case.

You will find a kind of love and connection like you've never known. This marriage can, and will be, brand new.

I just have to say what an inspiration to see an 18 yr old with this wisdom, insight, and such a clear set of values! You rock, girl!