married and lonely, ok maybe that's TMI but..

confuzzledwife

Really wouldn't have posted this on here, these posts always end up in massive arguments, and that won't help your situation :flowerforyou:

maybe you're right.. I definitely do NOT want to argue with anyone! I've had enough of that in my own house lol..

bevsdietfor2011

I, too, have been there and done that!! My parents stayed married for 32 years in an unhappy marriage "for us kids" well I don't think that is the best answer. I was the one to ask for a seperation in my first marriage and two days later he came home with divorce papers....HMMMMMM You have to really soul search and do what is best for you and the children.

I agree with the girl on the vow thing......I am in my second marriage and have just celebrated my 27th anniversary...we have been through cancer with my husband, rape by a friend of ours (was a friend) and other issues and I have had people say why are you still in the marriage and it is because I married "for better, for worse and in sickness and in health" so I will not run out on my marriage. As for my first marriage I was married to an alcoholic and it was getting worse. Talk it over if possible and see if you both are on the same page or not and go from there. I hope everything works out for you and I will keep you in my prayers!!! HUGS!!!

manderson27

If you are unhappy and the marriage is past saving then you have to move on. My advice would be look at the practicalities. Go through your budget, how much money would you have, what can you afford, where would you live if you moved out. Who would pay the household bills if you got to stay in the house. Talk to people who have been in your position, find out what help and support is out there for you.

With two failed marriages behind me I really sympathise with you it is awful to be in a relationship and still feel lonely. But there is life after marriage and you can make an independant life for yourself and I am sure in time meet someone who will be loving and supportive of you. I did and we have been together now for 20 years.

I know it is scary and emotional but try and be practical and keep the break up as amicable as possible that way it is a little less harrowing.

Take care and I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

cherpa56

Wow that is the story of my life, hopefully I will lose some weight , get healthier and feel better about myself and get motivated! Yea roommates, that is how my marriage is too.

confuzzledwife

Well since we're already having this conversation, you might as well dish out the reasons for not being happy, for feeling trapped and previous talks that didn't go so well. Just browsing your profile, you have two special needs children in the mix, do you feel like you couldn't take care of them alone or something else going on?

Well, there are so many details, really I couldn't list everything here.. but it boils down to finances.

I work p-t due to the extreme needs of my youngest son. Yes, he does go to school, however, in the past year he's missed on average of 2 days a week due to illnesses, neurological testing, therapies, and many other medical issues. My husband and I work opposite shifts which works well since we're not around each other much, HOWEVER, my husband just announced he will be switching his shift which means he'd be around every afternoon and every night.

. I know that probably sounds mean, but I have more work to do when he's home, he's not a good influence on our kids, he bickers with our older son non-stop, which means I have to stop what I'm doing to referee, then my husband starts arguing with me that I'm siding with our other son (I'm not), he sleeps when he does have days off and complains about the kids it's just childish, really.

I'm up at 530 every single morning and not in bed before midnight and I'm run down and exhausted. On Saturdays I work 7a-5P and my older kids tell me he ignores the younger one and leaves him in dirty diapers (he's 8 and non-verbal), which then causes him to get BAD rashes that I have to treat for the next 6 days.. I mean, in my opinion, it's neglect - then I think, if I'm going to work to try to help with the medical bills we have, am I also being neglectful leaving him with his father? When I say something, he accuses me of nagging.. it's just a never ending battle. Then he'll do what he's supposed to do for a day, then it all goes back to the same BS the following day.. that's just a little of what I go through.

tammyooft

...

hbrittingham

Well since we're already having this conversation, you might as well dish out the reasons for not being happy, for feeling trapped and previous talks that didn't go so well. Just browsing your profile, you have two special needs children in the mix, do you feel like you couldn't take care of them alone or something else going on?

Well, there are so many details, really I couldn't list everything here.. but it boils down to finances.

I work p-t due to the extreme needs of my youngest son. Yes, he does go to school, however, in the past year he's missed on average of 2 days a week due to illnesses, neurological testing, therapies, and many other medical issues. My husband and I work opposite shifts which works well since we're not around each other much, HOWEVER, my husband just announced he will be switching his shift which means he'd be around every afternoon and every night.

. I know that probably sounds mean, but I have more work to do when he's home, he's not a good influence on our kids, he bickers with our older son non-stop, which means I have to stop what I'm doing to referee, then my husband starts arguing with me that I'm siding with our other son (I'm not), he sleeps when he does have days off and complains about the kids it's just childish, really.

I'm up at 530 every single morning and not in bed before midnight and I'm run down and exhausted. On Saturdays I work 7a-5P and my older kids tell me he ignores the younger one and leaves him in dirty diapers (he's 8 and non-verbal), which then causes him to get BAD rashes that I have to treat for the next 6 days.. I mean, in my opinion, it's neglect - then I think, if I'm going to work to try to help with the medical bills we have, am I also being neglectful leaving him with his father? When I say something, he accuses me of nagging.. it's just a never ending battle. Then he'll do what he's supposed to do for a day, then it all goes back to the same BS the following day.. that's just a little of what I go through.

That sounds really tough sweetie. I can only imagine the frustrations you are feeling. I only had one child and he wasn't special needs, but the bickering between the two of them would drive me batty. My son moved out in July of last year (he's 23) and I think that's when I realized that everything still wouldn't be all right between us, even with my son gone (son is from my first marriage). Your stress level has to be totally through the roof.

lorro

I've been in exactly the same situation (although my kids don't have special needs) and had a similar experience of couples counselling. Are you getting much support from friends and family?

If you know it's past the point of no return then I would go back to one of the counsellors alone. Usually relationship counsellors will support couples or individuals and will help achieve whatever is in the person's best interests, either reconciliation or separation.

For me. in retrospect, feeling "stuck" and trying to "figure a way out" was all about trying to negotiate an amicable separation, which was simply not possible. I sense from your post that you are in a similar situation to the one I was in. Please do begin to make plans if you are at the point where you know you can not tolerate staying much longer. You don't have to do anything until you feel ready, but at least you will have somewhere for you and the kids to go if you need to leave.

I stayed far too long and my separation, when it happened, was fairly traumatic. But even from this difficult beginning, my quality of life improved hugely almost straight away and has continued to do so. Amazingly, my ex and I also get on fine now. My kids are happy.

Where you are at now is about as hard as it gets. Once you have found a way forward, you will never look back. Take care of yourself and your kids :flowerforyou:

jjelizalde

See a family law attorney. You may options you are unaware of. Contact your local county bar association for a referral for a free consultation to at least see what your options are.

llamalland

Hey, I've never been married, so you may not want my opinion, but I have had parents and grandparents, friends and siblings with spouses, and (especially in reference to my grandparents who were married ('til death do they part) for fifty years) I know one thing for a fact: the bigger the hurdle you overcome, the bigger the reward.

I like what Lynn said. Get counseling. Get help. Talk to friends, professionals. Stage an intervention. Drag his *kitten* to church. Whatever. Just fight! FIGHT FOR THIS.

Wedding vows are no joke. Standing at the altar means standing up for something. Fight for him for the next 10 years, and if you still want a divorce after that, who am I to tell you otherwise? But I assure you that won't be the case.

You will find a kind of love and connection like you've never known. This marriage can, and will be, brand new.

I just have to say what an inspiration to see an 18 yr old with this wisdom, insight, and such a clear set of values! You rock, girl!

Buddhasmiracle

Find what makes you strong.
About a couple years ago, I was with someone I was not happy with at all but unfortunately, he had put me in a place where I was isolated and lonely. It sucked. I wanted to get out, but he was the only one I could depend on being there but he was very emotionally abusive and manipulative.

But one day, I realized enough was enough, I started working out every day, establishing routines, eating better, sleeping better...everything. Living a healthier lifestyle led me to doing things where I felt comfortable on my own. When I was on my own then I started reaching out to old friends. These friends in return wanted to see me happy and supported me. I felt strong and confident, and I knew if I failed, I could pick myself back up again because I knew I had potential and strength. After that, I left him and I've been better ever since. I'm in a relationship with my best friend from high school and although life may be ****ty, I'm with someone whom I love very much and who supports me.

Sometimes life just folds all together when you make certain decisions. But you have to find the strength within yourself to come to a place where you can make that decision. Best of luck to you<3

Very well said.

lorro

Find what makes you strong.
About a couple years ago, I was with someone I was not happy with at all but unfortunately, he had put me in a place where I was isolated and lonely. It sucked. I wanted to get out, but he was the only one I could depend on being there but he was very emotionally abusive and manipulative.

But one day, I realized enough was enough, I started working out every day, establishing routines, eating better, sleeping better...everything. Living a healthier lifestyle led me to doing things where I felt comfortable on my own. When I was on my own then I started reaching out to old friends. These friends in return wanted to see me happy and supported me. I felt strong and confident, and I knew if I failed, I could pick myself back up again because I knew I had potential and strength. After that, I left him and I've been better ever since. I'm in a relationship with my best friend from high school and although life may be ****ty, I'm with someone whom I love very much and who supports me.

Sometimes life just folds all together when you make certain decisions. But you have to find the strength within yourself to come to a place where you can make that decision. Best of luck to you<3

Very well said.

Agreed however please do also take up the suggestion made earlier regarding legal advice. I was advised against establishing routines on my own if it meant leaving the kids, even if they were asleep at the time, as this may have implications for custody arrangements.

confuzzledwife

Thank you all SO much for all your advice and kind words.. it really means so much to me to find support like this... it's really quite overwhelming and honestly I didn't expect the level of support I've received.

littlepinkhearts

Single and never married so take that into consideration.
You will have those who tell you to stick it out at all costs or for the kids,if you can find love and happiness then by all means.
If it is gone then do not,I grew up in a loveless home and is not what I would wish on anyone.
If somehow you do manage to hide it until they are grown then out of nowhere they will find the life they thought they knew was a lie.

You and they both deserve the truth.

I like this response...i'm 20 years married, 2 years separated. Sometimes life just sux. Take it and run with it!!:flowerforyou:

StephTheBookworm

I haven't been married yet, but I did just get out of a 5 year relationship. I was with him since I was 17, so even though we weren't happy anymore, I didn't really know how to be without him. I am much better now that we aren't together, and am more focused on myself and becoming healthier. Breaking up was the right thing to do since we tried MANY times to fix things. I believe there is someone better out there for me, and for you too.

lour441

Single and never married so take that into consideration.
You will have those who tell you to stick it out at all costs or for the kids,if you can find love and happiness then by all means.
If it is gone then do not,I grew up in a loveless home and is not what I would wish on anyone.
If somehow you do manage to hide it until they are grown then out of nowhere they will find the life they thought they knew was a lie.

You and they both deserve the truth.

^This.

My parents stayed together "for the kids". The environment was toxic. When they finally split up we were very supportive to both parents but were pissed they waited so long. Do what you need to do to be happy. Everything else will work out.

Bahet

Your OT of being married and lonely had me ready to give a response. Then I read your posts including the one about him picking on the kids and not changing the younger one and my opinion changed.

I've been married almost 19 years. I can relate to being married and lonely. Hubby is gone for 2 weeks for work right now. He's been to Iraq for 14 months, Kuwait for 18 months, and left for Germany 2 months before the kids and I. He's had jobs where he worked 72 hours/week on the afternoon shift and we hardly ever saw him. I can relate to "married and lonely". BUT the huge difference is that he's a wonderful husband and father. If a baby needed to be changed he'd change him. He helps with cleaning when he is home now that he has a more normal job. He's my husband and my best friend. I love him more today than I did when we first met or even when we first got married.

What you describe in your 1st post on this page has nothing to do with lonliness. Our kids see me being lonely sometimes but they know it's because I miss him. I think they are learning what a marriage is all about and what role a mother and a father play. In good ways. Your kids aren't getting that. I don't know what your financial situation is but you need to tell him he either needs to shape up or ship out. And abusing your kids is NOT going to fly ever again. Because make no mistake, he is most definitely abusing your kids. You don't want them to grow up like that. You and they deserve better.

You said you went to a counselor and they both sided with you. He gave stupid reasons. What did he think they would say? What did he want them to say? DId he really think anyone would say it's OK to leave a child in a soiled diaper until they get a terrible rash or that it's perfectly acceptable to belittle your own child? Throw it back at him and find out what he thinks is the problem. Obviously, this is all one sided info but I cannot imagine a situation short of him being bedridden or out of town that would excuse the lack of diaper changes.

confuzzledwife

Your OT of being married and lonely had me ready to give a response. Then I read your posts including the one about him picking on the kids and not changing the younger one and my opinion changed.

I've been married almost 19 years. I can relate to being married and lonely. Hubby is gone for 2 weeks for work right now. He's been to Iraq for 14 months, Kuwait for 18 months, and left for Germany 2 months before the kids and I. He's had jobs where he worked 72 hours/week on the afternoon shift and we hardly ever saw him. I can relate to "married and lonely". BUT the huge difference is that he's a wonderful husband and father. If a baby needed to be changed he'd change him. He helps with cleaning when he is home now that he has a more normal job. He's my husband and my best friend. I love him more today than I did when we first met or even when we first got married.

What you describe in your 1st post on this page has nothing to do with lonliness. Our kids see me being lonely sometimes but they know it's because I miss him. I think they are learning what a marriage is all about and what role a mother and a father play. In good ways. Your kids aren't getting that. I don't know what your financial situation is but you need to tell him he either needs to shape up or ship out. And abusing your kids is NOT going to fly ever again. Because make no mistake, he is most definitely abusing your kids. You don't want them to grow up like that. You and they deserve better.

You said you went to a counselor and they both sided with you. He gave stupid reasons. What did he think they would say? What did he want them to say? DId he really think anyone would say it's OK to leave a child in a soiled diaper until they get a terrible rash or that it's perfectly acceptable to belittle your own child? Throw it back at him and find out what he thinks is the problem. Obviously, this is all one sided info but I cannot imagine a situation short of him being bedridden or out of town that would excuse the lack of diaper changes.

Well, the counseling was back in 06 right before we got our son's diagnosis, he was 3 then, so this was before the current issue I'm having with the diaper changes, this is a new thing. I was home then so it wasn't an issue way back then, we had other issues. He's definitely not bedridden, he works 45 hours a week on 2nd shift, he gets home around midnight goes to bed. He sleeps ALL day until noon gets up at 130, leaves for work at 230. He's always tired, no matter how much or little sleep- I told him please go to the doctor, it's not normal to be that tired all the time, he says ok, but it never happens.. his last physical was 2000. He went in for a sick visit around 06 I went with him and got records from our male counselor that he should be medicated (husband got mad) and dr prescribed lexapro. Husband took lexapro for a month then never refilled. He gets 2 nights off and he complains how tired he is (this has been since 2003). He doesn't drink or do drugs, as he often throws in my face, so I think in his opinion it means he's a good guy. On his days/nights off, he will seem to have energy to look up 80's movies and songs on YouTube, but no energy for anything else. He makes promises to our 10 year old that he will play with him at "6:00" when 6 comes and goes and my son is asking "but dad you said you'd do --- with me at 6" my husband will then sigh loudly, make weird grumbling noises, and then when my son keeps saying "but dad, you promised" my husband will yell at him and say "well now you've asked too many times I'm not doing it". That's when I have to be referee because the bickering will not stop.

I've tried yelling, talking, comprimising, it's like dealing with another child - I'll say to my husband "don't make him a promise you can't keep" and then I'll get "oh sure side with him".. and on and on. I do all the housework, I do all the child care, all the medications for my youngest (husband "forgets" to give him meds and I have to call from work to remind him every Saturday when I'm at work), I handle the bills, I do all the yardwork, painting, minor repairs on the house, my husband will occassionally pick up a broom like once a month and sweep something then tell me how he swept ....all day I have to hear what he did, his 1 thing to my 50. He makes me many promises, such as the last one about how he's going to cook dinner, then when it's 7 PM and nothing's cooked, well, I HAVE to do it. If I say anything to him about any subject he'll accuse me of nagging. The male counselor said it's a passive-aggressive thing to the extreme, same thing the female said.

When I met my husband, he was energetic, lively, funny, and GREAT with kids.. He actually followed through on everything he ever said, he was very direct and kept his word, I don't know what happened, I really don't. He put on a good act... This is for sure not the man I married. I told him I'm not happy and putting on an act for my kids pretending I'm OK is NOT ok... I told him to leave, he refuses saying I can't "make" him, and I did get a consultation from an attorney who told me I can't make him leave unless he's being physically abusive. Then I was told if I could afford the house I could stay, well I can't and I can't get more hours with the amount of time my son is absent from school - so that's why I feel so stuck. If I could get full time hours, I know that I could make it with help from child support, no doubt.. I have no family around to help me.. so I don't know, but to imagine going through this crap any longer will truly drive me insane.!!

Now that I'm losing the weight I've gained, he's saying "you'll never know when to stop, you'll get anorexic" and then he brings home ice cream and literally puts it in a spoon under my nose saying you know you want it .. I'm just disgusted at this point. It was the stress of the situation with my son's health and my husband's "Issues" I swear that led me to overeating in the first place. anyway, thanks for letting me vent!

sunkisses

My advice is always to leave. I've never regretted it.
Good luck - whatever you decide.

Warmbloodwear

Have you thought about couples counseling? Or are you past the point of wanting to make it work? In the long run, you have to do what is right for you and makes you happy. I hope things work out for you!

Yes actually we've gone to 2 different counselors. The first was a woman, and she tried talking to him about his "issues", we left there and he said "obviously she's siding with you, she's a woman", so, I told him to pick whomever he liked.. he picked a male, the male counselor pretty much said the same thing the female counselor did, my husband said "it's obvious he wants to have sex with you and that's why he sided with you". He's just so irrational - it's really past the point of no return

This gave me chills! Our husbands could be related!