married and lonely, ok maybe that's TMI but..
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This gave me chills! Our husbands could be related!
It's ridiculous. :ohwell:0 -
Hey, I've never been married, so you may not want my opinion, but I have had parents and grandparents, friends and siblings with spouses, and (especially in reference to my grandparents who were married ('til death do they part) for fifty years) I know one thing for a fact: the bigger the hurdle you overcome, the bigger the reward.
I like what Lynn said. Get counseling. Get help. Talk to friends, professionals. Stage an intervention. Drag his *kitten* to church. Whatever. Just fight! FIGHT FOR THIS.
Wedding vows are no joke. Standing at the altar means standing up for something. Fight for him for the next 10 years, and if you still want a divorce after that, who am I to tell you otherwise? But I assure you that won't be the case.
You will find a kind of love and connection like you've never known. This marriage can, and will be, brand new.
YES TO THIS! We live in a day and age of instant gratification, where if we don't feel happy now we should just quit and find something else. I feel like anything worth having in life takes hard work, determination and commitment. Marriages can fall off just like weight loss, or just like an education. You have times where everything isn't peachy. Maybe it's a week, maybe its years and years, but if this is the man you decided to make vows to you should respect those. You deserve a happy marriage. But just like anything else in life, marriages aren't just happy, you have to make them happy and fulfilling. Do all you can and fight as hard as you can and I'm sure the benefits will outweigh the sad times and you'll reconnect and fall in love in a new way. You're on MFP talking to us when you should be talking to your husband about this...Log off and go reconnect
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If you can support you and your kids then you should do what you feel in your heart is right. Money, stress, debt whatever. That will always be a struggle in most ppls life. He will have to put his big boy pants on and figure it out. But you only have one precious life and each day that you spend unhappy is a day that gets thrown away. We all know life is short and debt/financial issues is not a good enough reason to be unhappy. Hey, the debt won't go to the grave with you but the way you lived your life and the example you set for other women and for your kids will.
I really wish you the best. Marraige and divorce is a very difficult thing.0 -
Your OT of being married and lonely had me ready to give a response. Then I read your posts including the one about him picking on the kids and not changing the younger one and my opinion changed.
I've been married almost 19 years. I can relate to being married and lonely. Hubby is gone for 2 weeks for work right now. He's been to Iraq for 14 months, Kuwait for 18 months, and left for Germany 2 months before the kids and I. He's had jobs where he worked 72 hours/week on the afternoon shift and we hardly ever saw him. I can relate to "married and lonely". BUT the huge difference is that he's a wonderful husband and father. If a baby needed to be changed he'd change him. He helps with cleaning when he is home now that he has a more normal job. He's my husband and my best friend. I love him more today than I did when we first met or even when we first got married.
What you describe in your 1st post on this page has nothing to do with lonliness. Our kids see me being lonely sometimes but they know it's because I miss him. I think they are learning what a marriage is all about and what role a mother and a father play. In good ways. Your kids aren't getting that. I don't know what your financial situation is but you need to tell him he either needs to shape up or ship out. And abusing your kids is NOT going to fly ever again. Because make no mistake, he is most definitely abusing your kids. You don't want them to grow up like that. You and they deserve better.
You said you went to a counselor and they both sided with you. He gave stupid reasons. What did he think they would say? What did he want them to say? DId he really think anyone would say it's OK to leave a child in a soiled diaper until they get a terrible rash or that it's perfectly acceptable to belittle your own child? Throw it back at him and find out what he thinks is the problem. Obviously, this is all one sided info but I cannot imagine a situation short of him being bedridden or out of town that would excuse the lack of diaper changes.
Well, the counseling was back in 06 right before we got our son's diagnosis, he was 3 then, so this was before the current issue I'm having with the diaper changes, this is a new thing. I was home then so it wasn't an issue way back then, we had other issues. He's definitely not bedridden, he works 45 hours a week on 2nd shift, he gets home around midnight goes to bed. He sleeps ALL day until noon gets up at 130, leaves for work at 230. He's always tired, no matter how much or little sleep- I told him please go to the doctor, it's not normal to be that tired all the time, he says ok, but it never happens.. his last physical was 2000. He went in for a sick visit around 06 I went with him and got records from our male counselor that he should be medicated (husband got mad) and dr prescribed lexapro. Husband took lexapro for a month then never refilled. He gets 2 nights off and he complains how tired he is (this has been since 2003). He doesn't drink or do drugs, as he often throws in my face, so I think in his opinion it means he's a good guy. On his days/nights off, he will seem to have energy to look up 80's movies and songs on YouTube, but no energy for anything else. He makes promises to our 10 year old that he will play with him at "6:00" when 6 comes and goes and my son is asking "but dad you said you'd do --- with me at 6" my husband will then sigh loudly, make weird grumbling noises, and then when my son keeps saying "but dad, you promised" my husband will yell at him and say "well now you've asked too many times I'm not doing it". That's when I have to be referee because the bickering will not stop.
I've tried yelling, talking, comprimising, it's like dealing with another child - I'll say to my husband "don't make him a promise you can't keep" and then I'll get "oh sure side with him".. and on and on. I do all the housework, I do all the child care, all the medications for my youngest (husband "forgets" to give him meds and I have to call from work to remind him every Saturday when I'm at work), I handle the bills, I do all the yardwork, painting, minor repairs on the house, my husband will occassionally pick up a broom like once a month and sweep something then tell me how he swept ....all day I have to hear what he did, his 1 thing to my 50. He makes me many promises, such as the last one about how he's going to cook dinner, then when it's 7 PM and nothing's cooked, well, I HAVE to do it. If I say anything to him about any subject he'll accuse me of nagging. The male counselor said it's a passive-aggressive thing to the extreme, same thing the female said.
When I met my husband, he was energetic, lively, funny, and GREAT with kids.. He actually followed through on everything he ever said, he was very direct and kept his word, I don't know what happened, I really don't. He put on a good act... This is for sure not the man I married. I told him I'm not happy and putting on an act for my kids pretending I'm OK is NOT ok... I told him to leave, he refuses saying I can't "make" him, and I did get a consultation from an attorney who told me I can't make him leave unless he's being physically abusive. Then I was told if I could afford the house I could stay, well I can't and I can't get more hours with the amount of time my son is absent from school - so that's why I feel so stuck. If I could get full time hours, I know that I could make it with help from child support, no doubt.. I have no family around to help me.. so I don't know, but to imagine going through this crap any longer will truly drive me insane.!!
Now that I'm losing the weight I've gained, he's saying "you'll never know when to stop, you'll get anorexic" and then he brings home ice cream and literally puts it in a spoon under my nose saying you know you want it .. I'm just disgusted at this point. It was the stress of the situation with my son's health and my husband's "Issues" I swear that led me to overeating in the first place. anyway, thanks for letting me vent!
So I know i posted before , but then i read posts about what is going on in your relationship and I'm not sure if the advice i gave is the best. You need to do whatever you need to do to be happy and protect your kids. I feel like you should always choose your kids over a man if he is standing in the way of them being happy and healthy. Family counseling as a whole could help, but if your husband has some kind of mental issue such as bipolar or depression this could be difficult. I've never been married, but my dad is paranoid schizophrenic, and my mom was an alcoholic, so this was a very tumultuous relationship. Let's just put it this way, my mom has moved on with her life, and my dad still won't get the help he needs. He doesn't believe his diagnosis. So i hope and pray your husband doesn't have a mental issue, because the only way for him to change would be for him to even realize he has a problem, then he has to have the courage to even get help. But something about your husband definitely seems off. I hope everything goes well for you and your children.0 -
Well it's clear that he's not happy about something. Are you sure he's not on drugs of some sort? Even if it's just a prescription addiction. Is he mad/depressed about the kids? I just don't know why he would drastically change so much. He 110% seems to have no care for anyone or anything in that household.0
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Whatever the problem is, I would try my best to work it out no matter what! Remember u guys said for better, or for worse! Every marriage has their worst, better to work things out now, then start fresh with someone else with a whole new set of problems, plus if u guys have kids together it's 100% worth every effort, why screw their futures up. U are their role models, show them what not giving up means. I've never met anybody who's happy in their marriage all the time, and some have more downs then ups. Don't be just another statistic! I believe anything is workable, I've seem the worst turn into the best just because they never gave up! Their way further then they would have been starting over with someone new, and their children have benefited from it! And I am one of them 0
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Have you looked into whether your son qualifies for disability (SSI)?
It can be hectic/stressful to get him qualified, though with the disabilities you've described I would imagine not too horrible. It varies from state to state, but you might even get back pay.
It won't solve your problems, but if you don't already have it, the extra income could be what you need to separate from your husband (but also find out how that would affect it, too).0 -
Well I feel it may not entirely be my place to post here as this is your life I must offer you some advice. A lot of people will tell you to stay together for the kids, you're their role models, you married the person for a reason that person you married is there just you need to figure out what's keeping them blocked etc. etc, and once again E T C.
The unfortunate truth of the matter is that people change over time, your husband obviously was not ready for the kind of commitment that your two sons require and didn't fully take into consideration what that meant. He is not responsible point, not about his health, not about your children's health, and certainly not about your relationship.
You're working your butt off for a guy who right now is not in an emotional or logical place to appreciate or even comprehend the sacrifice you are making for him. It is quite obvious from your posts that this is not helping you at all, and if anything the fact that you have to reach out here means that you are so fed up that it's taxing you every second of the day. Just dealing with children with special needs, working like crazy, and doing all the housework is enough for any sane person to be exhausted physically and mentally. But it's obvious you're strong enough to handle that, you're handling all of that AND managing to make your weight loss goals! This is just that icing on the very tired cake that you just don't need.
My advice? Be that role model for your kids and show them that being taken advantage of isn't something they should allow, MORE SO don't allow them to see how much their father takes advantage of you and begin to develop the same tendencies with women! I'm not telling you to divorce him right off the bat, but personally I would write him a letter (since he refuses to talk), and leave it on his computer. Tell him you want a trial separation, and unless he's willing to prove himself for his sons and his wife who he swore to love and cherish until death does you part, to get up at a decent hour, get off his *kitten* and help with the housework, and your two sons. That you will be filing for divorce.
With that you have put the ball in his court, if he does nothing, then you know what you're really worth to him now a days, I know it's depressing and not a fun prospect, but it's not worth holding on to. it's not worth you being hurt over, it's definitely not worth your children being hurt over.
While in the meantime it means you may wind up having to make even more sacrifices in your lifestyle such as downsizing on your home, or a less expensive car so that your payments aren't so bad. The amount of energy you will get simply from not having to deal with his crap day in and day out, the release of the frustration will be worth it. Guess what though? That's the worst case scenario, the best case scenario is after spending a month separated from his wife and children, knowing he's come to the end of his rope he may just remember all the things he loves about you, and that guy that used to make you laugh and charm you to the point you were willing to marry him, may just come back and start pulling his weight around. There are no guarantees in life, but at least you know you'll be moving forward instead of just waiting for a miracle.
I'll leave you with one last thing, a quote from a book.
"Life is the future, not the past. The past can teach us, through experience, how to accomplish things in the future, comfort us with cherished memories, and provide the foundation of what has already been accomplished. But only the future holds life. To live in the past is to embrace what is dead. To live life to its fullest, each day must be created anew. As rational, thinking beings, we must use our intellect, not a blind devotion to what has come before, to make rational choices."
Richard Rahl, The Sword of Truth by Terry Goodkind
Do not live in the past, do not stay in a relationship that is broken. You are only living in what is dead, and that only brings more fatigue. Shape your future, choose happiness, and set a new path for yourself. You surely will find happiness if you do.
Just my two cents.
Master Zeddicus0 -
From how you describe your husband's behavior it sounds like he's dealing with depression or another mental health issue. Unfortunately, unless he's willing to admit to a problem and get help he's not going to get better. Since Lexapro has already been described once, there is a very good chance that it is indeed depression. The thing with anti depressants is that it takes longer than the month he was taking it for it to reach full effectiveness. Often the dosage needs to be adjusted or another medication tried before finding what is right for a given individual. This is very difficult to deal with when you're suffering from depression and the medication isn't giving you the relief you so desperately need.
My recommendation is to seek counseling for yourself. You are dealing with a lot right now and talking with someone completely outside of the situation can help you figure out what you need to do to improve your life. First and foremost you need to take care of yourself so that you can continue to take care of your children.0 -
Go to marriagebuilders.com - Great site, and might help save your marriage anyway. Just a thought. Good luck in whatever you choose to do, though.0
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I'd say that if your marriage is past the point of repair, then it is time you allowed yourself to be happy elsewhere.
This is your life to live ; make the most of it.
Best wishes to you.0 -
Whatever the problem is, I would try my best to work it out no matter what! Remember u guys said for better, or for worse! Every marriage has their worst, better to work things out now, then start fresh with someone else with a whole new set of problems, plus if u guys have kids together it's 100% worth every effort, why screw their futures up. U are their role models, show them what not giving up means. I've never met anybody who's happy in their marriage all the time, and some have more downs then ups. Don't be just another statistic! I believe anything is workable, I've seem the worst turn into the best just because they never gave up! Their way further then they would have been starting over with someone new, and their children have benefited from it! And I am one of them
I wish I knew what to do to fix this problem, I really do. I am not even considering another relationship because this one has really done a job on me, I couldn't imagine ever starting over with another person. These issues came up in 2005, almost overnight. I was told he may be bipolar, but he laughed about that. He's also OCD and refuses to believe that too. I know that there might be some medication that could help or a combination of meds and counseling but he refuses to believe there is anything wrong with him. I guess I don't know how much more work I could put into this when I'm the only one doing it.
At my age (42) I'm aware that marriages aren't perfect, I never expected to have no issues or troubles in my marriage or my life, but this is miserable. He is more than willing to go to counseling, but he isn't honest once we go, if i bring something up he does that bothers me, when we leave he'll start yelling at me accusing me of "starting trouble", anyway.. I'm the one who ultimately has to make a move. thanks0 -
i completely understand what your going through, our situations are very similar. the only difference is i wasn't married to my ex, but i do have a daughter with him. so leaving was incredibly hard, but it was totally worth it for me. i felt trapped, misunderstood, and extremely lonely. he spent most of his time hanging out with girls half my age online (i am only 23) and i spent all my time taking care of the baby. it got so bad that i started hurting myself because the depression and confusion i was going through. i didn't wanna leave because i thought maybe i was just imagining it and everything wasn't as bad as i thought it was, then i thought if i left i would never find anyone better and maybe he really did love me some where inside. it took him making me leave for me to see that life is so so much better without him. the world has color again and i am remembering how to enjoy it again. yes, right now i am going through a horrible court battle but when its all done with my life can move on. unfortunately he will always be a part of that life, because of my daughter, but this way i am free to find someone who compliments me in ways he never did. someone who makes me feel human instead of just a baby sitter. do i miss him? sometimes yes, but i know that in the long run even if he changed it would never work because we have grown to become two different people. sometimes the only thing you can do is leave, sometimes its the only thing left. it really shows you who you are as a person and what your made of. it really teaches you to grow, you do a lot of lonely soul searching but all i can say is that for me at least this was worth it because not only would i not be the person i am without this experience but i wouldn't have my daughter.It hurts, and its a lonely journey, but if you are strong enough to find your happiness again then it does get better! hope this helps just a little....0
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Having one special needs child is hard enough but having two is even harder. I would say stay together for the kids but that just causes more issues with the kids. Having special needs kids makes it worse...they pick up on your aniexty and discomfort. That can make them have more issues with the special needs.
Go to counseling for yourself and get strong. Figure out what options you have with the kids for help from your state. Someone mentioned SSI. That could get your the cash to get someone to help you with him. Reach out to family and friends. Once you get strong enough on the inside actually getting the courage to leave him is a little easier. Not simple and mindless but you will have zero doubt about your decision.
The best decision I made was leaving my hubby. I was brought up with the thinking the vows meant something but my ex2be was not supportive emotionally or phyiscally for me. He would work for his 2 weeks and be home. During the two weeks home getting him off the couch required a backhoe. I worked all day and would come home to a wreck of a house and the question of "What's for dinner?". Um..what did you cook since you were home.
The day I told him we were done he suggested couple's counseling and I told him little to late. I don't think he would have liked what hte counselor had to say.0 -
Hey, I've never been married, so you may not want my opinion, but I have had parents and grandparents, friends and siblings with spouses, and (especially in reference to my grandparents who were married ('til death do they part) for fifty years) I know one thing for a fact: the bigger the hurdle you overcome, the bigger the reward.
I like what Lynn said. Get counseling. Get help. Talk to friends, professionals. Stage an intervention. Drag his *kitten* to church. Whatever. Just fight! FIGHT FOR THIS.
Wedding vows are no joke. Standing at the altar means standing up for something. Fight for him for the next 10 years, and if you still want a divorce after that, who am I to tell you otherwise? But I assure you that won't be the case.
You will find a kind of love and connection like you've never known. This marriage can, and will be, brand new.
I agree with getting counseling. And I agree that marriage vows are no joke and that if it's possible, people should try to stay married.
Everything else about your post is very naive. First, your grandparents' generation stayed together for reasons other than happiness (some truly loved each other, but not all). It was stigmatized so badly that people put up with horrific abuse just to avoid being divorced.
A husband who refuses to even talk to his wife about marital problems even though he knows she's unhappy is not a very good husband. It's a nice notion that the OP should fight for her marriage, but why should she if she's fighting alone? If he's willing to fight with her, to work things out, to at least TALK things out, then they should. But otherwise, life is short and no one should feel alone in a marriage. I'd rather just be alone than in that situation.0 -
I have been in this position. It takes courage , but when you are ready, you need to confront the problems you are having head on. You need to give the relationship and your partner a chance to make things better. But if this doesn't work, then you must remember that you have only one life and it is not good for you or your partner to waste it. If you are unhappy together and the damage can't be repaired, you need to consider whether it would be best for you both to separate and try to find happiness elsewhere. Good luck with this, be strong, I know how hwad it is.0
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I can relate! Though I have no kids. My wife and I get along but sometimes its like having a bull headed roommate!0
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I can relate. We also tried counseling unsuccessfully. Now we just live like roomates until an irrational argument explodes every once and again. My kids have crazy hero worship for my husband and would be devistated if we divorced.0
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I can relate. We also tried counseling unsuccessfully. Now we just live like roomates until an irrational argument explodes every once and again. My kids have crazy hero worship for my husband and would be devistated if we divorced.
You're assuming something there. I wished since I was old enough to know it existed that my parents would get divorced because they were not happy. Don't think your kids don't know.
Divorce doesn't mean you demonize your spouse.0 -
I am so lonely and feel like a single mother. I am just simply not happy, haven't been happy in many years with him... he knows.
I know, why not get divorced.. well, I want to but my life right now and the situation I'm in really makes me feel stuck. He refuses to talk about it altogether.
I know this probably isn't the best place to post this stuff, but I figured what the heck, maybe there's someone else in a similar situation who can relate. I found SO much support and motivation this far on my weight loss from so many people here... it's crazy... so who knows, maybe there's someone else who understands this subject also.
Hmmm. That's a decision you'll have to make. You only have one life. Only you can make you happy.
The best decision I ever made was get a divorce, my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. It is hard on the children, but in the long run it's better for them to see a healthy relationships. And I have reached new levels of happiness.0
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