married and lonely, ok maybe that's TMI but..

rml_16

I also wanted to add to the woman who said the OP can't be lonely because her husband is physically there, there are many ways to feel lonely.

Being in a relationship with an alcoholic, I can tell you that even though he's physically in my presence nearly every day, I do feel lonely in my relationship, as I'm sure the OP does.

shanlynt

Roommate situation here as well

sunshineshica

I'm so sorry you're going through that. I've been there too. In my case, I took the very drastic step of moving out to get my husband to notice how unhappy I was. We lived apart for 2.5 years. During that time, we went to couples counseling and both actively worked to improve our relationship. We moved back in together 2 years ago, and will celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary in September.

Ultimately, I guess you have to figure out if you are both committed to making the relationship work and what kinds of sacrifices you are willing to make, whether you decide to stay or leave. Sorting it out can be a difficult, frustrating process. Good luck to you, and I wish you the best.

I agree with this. Sometimes you both have to step away from the situation in order to see what you have/had. Doing this will let him know that you aren't dependent on him. If you think the marriage is worth saving, than you do the things to save it.

Pizzagirl50

I am so lonely and feel like a single mother. I am just simply not happy, haven't been happy in many years with him... he knows.

I know, why not get divorced.. well, I want to but my life right now and the situation I'm in really makes me feel stuck. He refuses to talk about it altogether.

I know this probably isn't the best place to post this stuff, but I figured what the heck, maybe there's someone else in a similar situation who can relate. I found SO much support and motivation this far on my weight loss from so many people here... it's crazy... so who knows, maybe there's someone else who understands this subject also.

Are we twins??

HauteP1nk

Sorry to hear you are feeling that way! I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better.

Don't waste your life in an unhappy situation. I know - easier said than done right? That being said, I saw my mom spend 30+ years in a relationship with a man she couldn't even tolerate to sit in the same room with... Do not do it. Your kids will see you are unhappy and the negativity will trickle down.

So you should work on it! If that doesn't work then you may have to try the alternative....

Change is scary...but it is worth it.

MyFeistyEvolution

♥ I understand.

donnamorad

OMG...I am reading your post and thinking this is ME! I feel the same exact way and can totally relate. Add me if you want for motivation or anything.

wickedcricket

I understand perfectly. I had 4 kids.
Only YOU hold the key to your freedom. Is it hard being a single parent? you bet your life it is, but not hard AND miserable.

The only cage we live in is the one we build ourselves.

cheers

picassoadagio

I understand, but only you know what is right.

bellevie23

Well..I waited 10 months out of a 12 month deployment to wait for my SO to come home, just to find out he was cheating with another soldier overseas, which wouldnt have even been a reason I would have left solely, but he just stopped caring, so needless to say I was already playing single parent, now I am full time to our 3 yr old, 15 month old, and 3 month old.

It seems when I found one thing out a whole other slew of lies came crashing down, so it is hard accepting reality, but I agree that you do what you need to to be happy. Our oldest ask about her dad almost everyday on when hes coming home, it hurts, but you just suck it up and remember you have to be happy yourself to show your kids what happiness is or even for yourself.

If you decide on divorce and yall can agree on everything, it isnt that expensive, however if you foresee yall arent, well my divorce cost about $6K+. If yall have tried counseling (as you said) and it is not producing a positive outcome, I would leave. Everyone focuses on the better or worse part in vows and not the rest, if your spouse is not acting like a spouse should, well then that is not keeping the vows they took anyways, ya know the "LOVE" part.

Good luck girl, and as for people saying you shouldnt post this here, its for support, no one has to read much less reply, if they have an issue with it. Hope you find your comfort or guidance to do what you need too. *hugs*

Bikini27

I can relate to the loneliness and the lack of communication about the state of the relationship. In my situation, though, there were no children involved, just a mortgage.

I was tired of fighting the good fight and finally quit fighting, which is what lead to the divorce. Even through that process, he refused to talk to me about what happened. I kind of went balistic on him a couple of times, but in the end it was the settling of the assets that made him come unglued and start hurreling insults and the things he thought had happened at me.

It was brutal, and it took a long time to get over. If there is any chance you can save your marriage, please take those steps. Divorce, with a child involved no less, is a harrowing experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But if there is no chance of happiness with this man, please seek the assistance of a lawyer and your family to get through it.

:flowerforyou:

XXXMinnieXXX

Please ignore the people who say stay. They've clearly never been in an abusive relationship and let's be frank here this is what is is. An abusive relationship. Go to a debt management company and get them to consolidate your debts into one smaller payment. Yes you can't get credit afterwards but its a small price to pay! You and those kiddies deserve better. Nobody deserves this. I believe he probably is depressed but its no excuse for treating people like that! Go get half an hour with a solicitor find out what you'd be entitled to. Make moves to get out. I didn't have kids, but got out of an abusive relationship and now I have an amzing finace and step kids. Life can be great again x

Steelheart7

Fear can be paralyzing. Fear of the unknown. Fear of how can I do this, I will never make it on my own. I lived with that fear for half of my 14 year marriage. I am out now, divorced, own my own home .. custody of my son and could not be happier. It was awful going through it, getting past it .. but now I am on the other side and I wish I would have done it sooner. People told me I would feel like this eventually, I didn't believe them. But .. its true.

Living in fear and being sad and hurt and lonely and constantly trying to fix it is no way to live. You are beating yourself down every day. I tried for years because I believed in the vow I took before God. Once it becomes toxic, it is no good for you.

Hugs. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

mrsknotts

I was only married three years and felt that way. So I left. No reason to be unhappy, and it was the best decision I have ever made.

dlyeates

I suggest working on yourself in your marriage. You married him for a reason and sometimes when we get down, not getting our needs met and start focusing on all the little things that piss us off we forget all the things we do like about the person and what drew us to them in the first place.

I also recommend getting the book "The Love Dare" (about $15 at Target). It's a 40 day challenge that only works on you. It is not meant to change the other person or make them act differently. I've done it 3 times and I think I have a pretty good marriage but each time I've learned more about myself and what I can do to make my marriage happier for me!!!

Along with the book (where it was derived from) is the movie Fireproof. I highly recommend watching it. Kind of cheesy acting but has Kurt Cameron so it's not that bad. And even my hubby liked it!!!

Good luck and you can message me if you need to talk or want more info!!

samantha1373

keep trying to find a Councillor for you. and lay it out there with the Councillor, bc they do need to see both sides! a GOOD councilor doesn't place blame they give you the tools you need to deal with your issues singular and as a couple. I think you cant ignore the people who say stay OR the people who say Go. However i think you need to do whats BEST for you and your children, You need a support team, have you looked into any church groups, i'm not religious at all, but having had a familily member who has gone through this (with three children) i know her community and church was her biggest supporter, her family wasn't supportive and she certainly learned which friends were her TRUE friends. Now they split for about 6 months and did counselling and at first she was NEVER going back, but they worked through it bc it MATTERED to them and they still fight for the relationship and work for it every day, and the separation caused them debt among other things. If a person hasnt' helped maybe a book? or an online forum with suggestions on exercises. But you need to make him talk to you. I know How lonely and thankless it can with with three kids, I couldn't imagine the stress special needs children put on a marriage, godbless them, but they are work!no matter what you do with your husband , YOU need to find a support system for YOU!

Donnacoach

My husband and I had a very rocky relationship for many years. I got depressed so I got some help. I met with our Priest several times and he, YES HE, told me that I needed to get out of the house to wake my husband up. I left for three months and it was devastating, because I still loved my husband. After basically going off the deep end, emotionally, I realized that I didn't want to live my life without this man. He is my best friend, but he needed to know that he needed help too. He felt as though my councilor and our Priest ganged up on him and got pretty angry. This is also when he realized that he had a problem too though. He didn't go for any help, but he totally changed his outlook on so many different things. He realized if he didn't change he was going to lose me. I am happy to say we have been married for almost 27 years. Yes there were and still are bumpy roads that we have to travel on, but together we have made it work. Get some help. You deserve to be happy and if that means you are no longer with your husband then so be it. Marriage is a two way street and many people don't realize that. Good luck to you.

rml_16

I suggest working on yourself in your marriage. You married him for a reason and sometimes when we get down, not getting our needs met and start focusing on all the little things that piss us off we forget all the things we do like about the person and what drew us to them in the first place.

"Little things" like allowing their child with special needs to sit all day in a dirty diaper? What should the OP do about HERSELF to fix that problem?

anolan807

Whatever the problem is, I would try my best to work it out no matter what! Remember u guys said for better, or for worse! Every marriage has their worst, better to work things out now, then start fresh with someone else with a whole new set of problems, plus if u guys have kids together it's 100% worth every effort, why screw their futures up. U are their role models, show them what not giving up means. I've never met anybody who's happy in their marriage all the time, and some have more downs then ups. Don't be just another statistic! I believe anything is workable, I've seem the worst turn into the best just because they never gave up! Their way further then they would have been starting over with someone new, and their children have benefited from it! And I am one of them

I wish I knew what to do to fix this problem, I really do. I am not even considering another relationship because this one has really done a job on me, I couldn't imagine ever starting over with another person. These issues came up in 2005, almost overnight. I was told he may be bipolar, but he laughed about that. He's also OCD and refuses to believe that too. I know that there might be some medication that could help or a combination of meds and counseling but he refuses to believe there is anything wrong with him. I guess I don't know how much more work I could put into this when I'm the only one doing it.

At my age (42) I'm aware that marriages aren't perfect, I never expected to have no issues or troubles in my marriage or my life, but this is miserable. He is more than willing to go to counseling, but he isn't honest once we go, if i bring something up he does that bothers me, when we leave he'll start yelling at me accusing me of "starting trouble", anyway.. I'm the one who ultimately has to make a move. thanks

With this information I would say you need to move out. You need to get you and your children in a safer place. If he can't help himself then he can not help you nor his children.

Bridget28152723

Hey, I've never been married, so you may not want my opinion, but I have had parents and grandparents, friends and siblings with spouses, and (especially in reference to my grandparents who were married ('til death do they part) for fifty years) I know one thing for a fact: the bigger the hurdle you overcome, the bigger the reward.

I like what Lynn said. Get counseling. Get help. Talk to friends, professionals. Stage an intervention. Drag his *kitten* to church. Whatever. Just fight! FIGHT FOR THIS.

Wedding vows are no joke. Standing at the altar means standing up for something. Fight for him for the next 10 years, and if you still want a divorce after that, who am I to tell you otherwise? But I assure you that won't be the case.

You will find a kind of love and connection like you've never known. This marriage can, and will be, brand new.

Love this^^^^^ we had a few rough times of course but we got thru it. If you past the point of wanting to make it work , thats a whole different thing. To me marriage is until death , unless there is adultery taking place. I love my husband so much we met when I was only 14 and he was 15. Im 31 now we have 4 kids and thats probably what has held us together but its love mostly . LOve conquers all....people take marriage like its a long date, its not and thats why so many people get divorced as soon as they start getting annoyed, you may have legitimate reason for your feeling , Get the root and he's gonna have to talk about it with you sooner or later. remember why you fell in love with him. Marriage is a huge commitment I didnt know what it was all about I was 19 when we got married ,but I am a Christian now so thats is why we make it work and I have respect for him and vice versa. if you are truly sad and lonely maybe you could separate and both of you could work on yourselves then who know. Sorry for your pain, hope something happens good for you.

MeadowSong

OK, lots of differing opinions here, so here's mine. I agree with the poster who basically said, uh, yeah, you made a VOW. I did. I've been married 26 years to a guy who has some real problems. Not saying I'm perfect. At all. Went to counseling alone. Didn't go for a long time because I didn't want a counselor to just tell me to get out. Felt like a vow means something. Now, if he was abusive in a big way emotionally, or at all physically, or doing drugs or something that would endanger the children that would be different. He does have serious emotional problems. But finally I went, he, of course, saw no need to go. The counselor (she was AMAZING) helped me to understand his issues in a way that I could deal with them better. After I went for a year, he started going. she was able to make a huge difference with him and now he is a different man. But I will ALWAYS be lonely in this marriage. But we DO have a good relationship now, he does care--and it's for the first time in our marriage. He now loves the kids with all his heart and the grandkids (we have three little ones) and if I had left him, I think he would have probably just dropped away. His presence in their lives is well worth my cost--he is NOT my only source of happiness. No one person can be. As time goes on, I do expect we'll grow closer. And it's worth A LOT to finish with the one with whom you started it all. We haven't wasted our history.

Another thought. Have you thought about HIS side of it. Men are quite different than women and express love differently. Sometimes men ARE being loving and we don't recognize it and unwittingly reject it. We hurt them too, you know. One of the best books I've read is "Love and Respect", don't remember the author offhand, but you can find it. It is from a Christian perspective, but I would think anyone could benefit--just helps folks understand their partner's perspective and stop cycles of hurt that often get going. And go to a counselor. By yourself. If you've ever had a marriage worth saving, you still do. But regardless, shopping around for happiness will bite you in the hiny, and could destroy your kids--so DON'T go there. Deal with your issues.

Oh, and yeah, there's a lot more lonely women out there than you'd know. I always had to keep a couple of close women friends because they were in good marriages were putting a lot of time there. But DO your stuff at home well, act like you are in a decent marriage (things CAN change, but won't if your attitude is bad), don't let your home suffer--and keep some women who deeply care about you.

AliceKlaar

Please ignore the people who say stay. They've clearly never been in an abusive relationship and let's be frank here this is what is is. An abusive relationship. Go to a debt management company and get them to consolidate your debts into one smaller payment. Yes you can't get credit afterwards but its a small price to pay! You and those kiddies deserve better. Nobody deserves this. I believe he probably is depressed but its no excuse for treating people like that! Go get half an hour with a solicitor find out what you'd be entitled to. Make moves to get out. I didn't have kids, but got out of an abusive relationship and now I have an amzing finace and step kids. Life can be great again x

^This. I really think you've given it your best shot, people who are telling you to stick it out are not acknowledging the fact he is a damaged human being who is unable/unwilling to change. None of this is your fault, although he will continue to try to make you feel like it is. He will continue the mental and verbal abuse and continue screwing with you (his response to the female/male counsellors you saw is a perfect example). I dodged a bullet myself - okay, I didn't have kids but yours will undoubtedly be better off if you remove yourselves from this person's influence. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the very best xx

rml_16

But I will ALWAYS be lonely in this marriage. But we DO have a good relationship now.

Your life is yours to live as you choose and I won't say what you're doing is wrong. It's not. For you.

But to say you're always going to be lonely in your marriage and then call it a good relationship is an oxymoron. It's not a good relationship.

echoica

You only get one life. This is not a dress rehearsal, so live it the way YOU want.

I love this

rossi02

I know this sounds overly simplistic, but take that first step and leave with your kids. Once you are out you will find ways to make it work. Doors will open for you, and you may have to take a huge hit financially, but it will be worth it in the long run. Your husband seems just fine with how things are and will continue to do as he pleases because he knows he has you trapped. Prove him wrong.. show him how strong you are. You are capable of so much more than you are giving yourself credit for. :flowerforyou:

Best of luck to you and your kids. I may not know you, but I do know you can do it.

i_love_vinegar

Dear gawsh, the man is a complete LOSER! You are worrying about whether HE can pay rent??? You'll never find out whether he can if you're still helping to support him (breadwinner, taking care of household, etc).

Get out while you can. He's not even nice to his own sons???

i_love_vinegar

Hey, I've never been married, so you may not want my opinion, but I have had parents and grandparents, friends and siblings with spouses, and (especially in reference to my grandparents who were married ('til death do they part) for fifty years) I know one thing for a fact: the bigger the hurdle you overcome, the bigger the reward.

I like what Lynn said. Get counseling. Get help. Talk to friends, professionals. Stage an intervention. Drag his *kitten* to church. Whatever. Just fight! FIGHT FOR THIS.

Wedding vows are no joke. Standing at the altar means standing up for something. Fight for him for the next 10 years, and if you still want a divorce after that, who am I to tell you otherwise? But I assure you that won't be the case.

You will find a kind of love and connection like you've never known. This marriage can, and will be, brand new.

PS: I disagree with this COMPLETELY.
1. The bigger the hurdle, the bigger the reward = a fact??? I completely disagree with the mere idea.
2. 10 years is a long time -- this isn't just about you, but your children (who he seems quite abusive with).
3. You cannot change people, they can only change themselves. If you have to force someone to try and fix a situation such as this, that is a red flag that the care for this marriage is extremely one-sided.
4. Brand new doesn't always mean better, not to mention based on current (and I am assuming past) behavior, chances are slim this man is going to shape into the kind of person necessary to have a happy marriage.

A marriage takes TWO people and is meant to be a GOOD thing for both partners involved. Both people need to be happy for it to work. If you have to bend over backwards to please your partner and take abuse and neglect, then you are simply LEGALLY married -- in concept you're an abused maid with a certificate and maybe some tax breaks.

I understand giving people chances, but that is what dating is for. Unfortunately, I am guessing he didn't act this way before you got married. Maybe you feel you went to the wedding ceremony with one person, and came out with someone completely different -- it happens. Again, you are only legally married. Replay the day you got married this way: Imagine the wedding ceremony and the moment you exchanged vows. The man in front of you showed promise and you thought he was great (hopefully), thus why you were at the alter. You put a ring on, he runs away, and his twin brother takes his place. His twin brother is a jerk, but you stay with him because he looks like the man you just married. While you are legally married, you are not living life with the man you married. Is it fair that you have to spend the rest of your life with a man who LOOKS like the person you married, but is not the same person on the inside (what matters most).

This sounds like a very toxic relationship. I hope you find the help you need. Remember that you can always get remarried. If he wants to change and become a better person, let him do so on his own. If he says he changed, take it slowly, because sadly most adult people do not change. There are plenty of people in this world, and there is no shame in divorce. We cannot control nor fix everything. Sometimes no matter how much time and energy you have invested in something, you have to walk away, and I think it takes a mature person to admit that some things cannot be fixed. If there is a God, you have to trust that he or she will take care of the souls of the people you love. We are all here for our own reasons and lessons, and helping others does not always mean providing them with food and shelter. Sometimes the best thing we can do for someone is to let go of them, nurture ourselves and those who ALSO nurture us back (such as your children, friends, pets, etc).

If he ends up homeless for instance, it is his own undoing for not appreciating his beautiful wife and children. This is a lesson that he will probably have to learn on his own -- he might never learn the lesson, but you are not God. There are billions of people on this planet and I believe that through interacting with each other we teach and learn. But there are billions of people, and to learn is to grow into a better person, which your husband is obviously not gaining from this marriage. I think maybe he came into your life to bring you your sons, but I believe this relationship is stunting growth for all involved. We do not all hold the keys to every lesson, and I do not believe you hold the key he needs. He might very well hold the key you need though -- maybe the problems in this lonely marriage and how you handle it will allow you to grow. Noting that the marriage has been miserable for a while, however, I do not believe the key is to stay. I think it is time to let go and allow new things and more positive people into you and your children's' lives.

Good luck and sorry for the long response. :flowerforyou:

babybluefire

Hey, I've never been married, so you may not want my opinion, but I have had parents and grandparents, friends and siblings with spouses, and (especially in reference to my grandparents who were married ('til death do they part) for fifty years) I know one thing for a fact: the bigger the hurdle you overcome, the bigger the reward.

I like what Lynn said. Get counseling. Get help. Talk to friends, professionals. Stage an intervention. Drag his *kitten* to church. Whatever. Just fight! FIGHT FOR THIS.

Wedding vows are no joke. Standing at the altar means standing up for something. Fight for him for the next 10 years, and if you still want a divorce after that, who am I to tell you otherwise? But I assure you that won't be the case.

You will find a kind of love and connection like you've never known. This marriage can, and will be, brand new.

Not only do I disagree. But marriage advice coming from someone who has never been married. Yea, good luck with that LOL.

peacek

Unless you are in domestic abuse, do not divorce! That's my opinion, take it or leave it!

Women think husbands used to be so loving but don't do that anymore.
When is the last time you made your husband feel special and loved?

hollyberry2012

To the OP, one question:

Was he lazy and argumentative when you met him, married him?

If not, try and find out the source of these attributes.

If so, and you 'looked' over it then, guess what?