Guys & girls - Marriage pact, real or not?

sjackson1717

Ummmm Hello! Aren't you suppsed to marry your best friend??? What if True Love has been staring you in the face for 12 yrs??? Super surprised to see all of the negative responses here. Doesn't anyone believe in Happy Endings anymore???

grassette

Ok, this may sound silly. A very close guy friend and I made a pact several years ago that if we were still single in 10 years that we would marry each other. I completely forgot about it though. A few months ago while we were having dinner, I asked him if he thought I'd ever find someone who could make me really happy. (I've been told I have high standards and that I'm idealistic) He dropped his fork and looked completely surprised. He said, "What do mean? I thought we were getting married!" Since then we've had several conversations about it but neither of us could tell if the other is serious or joking. Now I'm not saying I would go through with this but I am very curious to find out if his reaction meant that he took it that serious. We've never dated or even kissed, just really great friends for years. Well, our 10th anniversary is coming up next summer. Opinions please?

That is when my husband and I decided to marry. Friendship is a solid base for a happy marriage. And if you are both healthy, everything else will fall into place.

newmein2013

well if there is no chemistry, then forget it. that answers your question right there.

Yeah bu the question was more along the lines of how do I determine how serious he is. We've been friends for 12 years and I think he's serious. Maybe he thinks there is chemistry?

You mentioned earlier "body language".
What does his body language tell you?

All our friends and family say we should be together and that we act like we're a couple. We really do. As a friend, he's the best boyfriend I've ever had.

newmein2013

The only way to determine how serious he really is, is by asking him. Be straight up and ask him if he was just joking or if he really thinks you guys will get married. Honesty!

No I've never made a pact like this. Reminds me of "My best friends wedding" though. I also married my husband when I was 21.

I have, several times. He always says he's serious but then we laugh. Maybe he's nervous?

newmein2013

Buuuuuuuuut be prepared that he may actually want more and any of the above options could f' up the friendship. Either way, it's worth the risk to figure it out, right?
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Such a great friend so it's not worth the risk. At least that's what I'm thinking.

VeganInTraining

This cracks me up! And I agree with the person who said "why not start with a date?" I had a similar agreement with a friend in college, when my ex and I got divorced we dated casually and I realized that there was NO WAY it could work with him.

I can't believe I'm seriously giving advice on something like this :laugh: but, a lot can change in 10 years, see if you still like each other and go from there. My husband and I had no such pact but when we met 10 years ago we agreed that if we ever saw each other again we'd go on a date....9 years later we saw each other again and the sparks were definitely there!

Good luck!

paisley2288

Wow Really?! is marriage not sacred anymore?
this is probally 1 of the reasons people get divorced!:huh:

I agree. Marriage is a very serious thing and if you think that maybe he is serious about it, you should go out on a date with him. I would never marry anyone over a pact. There has to be chemistry there. Plus, you should be sexually attracted to the person!! This isn't one of those countries where you can't choose your own husband. It's YOUR choice and I think if you choose to marry over a pact, you will end up a very very lonely girl.

WickedGarden

The bit about being a mama's boy is not true at all, my husband is a mama's boy. However I'm his number 1 when its her or me. He's proven that to me countless times.

That's great it worked for you!

For me personally, i couldn't deal with it. His momma ruled his life, no matter what, he always listened to his momma.

BigDaddyBRC

Nice trolling

Carl01

He is only serious about getting you into bed,that is why he mentions it...to test those waters.

_binary_jester_

Meh. Go for it. It's better than being the crazy cat lady.

AllanMisner

I did bet a friend that I'd live to 110. We bet $100 to be paid to his heir if I survived him but didn't make it to 110. Now pledging for an arranged marriage? That lady would have to rock, but be in friend zone for some reason. Do you know why you're in friend zone? He's not your cousin is he? J/K

Also, chemistry is not hard to figure out. It is either there like BOOM IN YOUR FACE, or it isn't. You can't fake that. I tried and it was worse than kissing your sister.

TheFitHooker

The only way to determine how serious he really is, is by asking him. Be straight up and ask him if he was just joking or if he really thinks you guys will get married. Honesty!

No I've never made a pact like this. Reminds me of "My best friends wedding" though. I also married my husband when I was 21.

I have, several times. He always says he's serious but then we laugh. Maybe he's nervous?

I would say then, he is serious but nervous... He admit he is serious, he laughs, you laugh. He is probably also confused.

CarolinaGirlinVA

My advice is to start talking. The only way a marriage works is through good communication. Without it, you are just roommates who tolerate each other. Talk to him. When he laughs, push the issue. (aka nagging, but that's such a negative word)

Good luck!!

newmein2013

Ok, lot's of comments to reply to.

First let me say thank you to everyone for their comments and suggestions. Second, I apologize in advance for this lengthy reply.

Now let me clear up some things about myself. I am by no means desperate. On the contrary, I'm very self confident and independent. I have a firm belief that I would rather be alone the rest of my life than be with someone but unhappy, or simply settle. I'm very happy with myself, have a wonderful support system and a tremendous circle of very loyal friends. I don't need to have a man by my side to feel complete. I'm not talking about settling and I never said I would marry him. I was putting out the feelers to see if anyone else experienced this and whether or not these types of agreements are taken seriously. I love him and would never want to say or do anything that would hurt him. With that said, if I continue joking about it with him and he's serious, that wouldn't be very nice, would it? So out of respect for him, I came here for opinions because he's talking about helping me pick out a wedding dress.

As far as marriage being sacred, I do take it very serious and surprise, I do not ever want to get married again. Well, unless Mr. Perfect comes along and I truly don't foresee that happening. As I don't foresee myself getting married again, I want to move in with him as roommates but this pact seems to be an obstacle that needs to addressed.

We got into the "friends" zone because I was just coming out of my marriage when we met. As the years have gone by, he's known everything about my relationships, and needless to say, hasn't approved of any. Now that I think about it, I never picked up on that throughout the years. I can honestly say he has almost every quality a woman could ask for. The way he is with his mother is very admirable in my eyes and I would feel honored if my kids would be the same with me when I'm her age. Because I've known him so long, there's nothing I don't like or haven't been able to accept.

Chemistry and a pretend date: we have sort of been doing this for months but then the joking starts again. We're both very, very sarcastic and can easily take a serious situation and lighten it up. I think those of you that mentioned we're both afraid of taking it further are on to something. I'll kiss him and see his reaction, and mine, lol.

Thanks again everyone.

paygep

I wouldn't start out with "the talk".... I would start out by giving him a kiss! Do it! Just see what happens... It might feel really good... or you'll know instantly if there is no chemistry. It's like that for me... found my soul mate, though, all because one of my friends had the balls to kiss me! Sparks flew and we've been together ever since!

izzydino

Elizabeth_M

If you are in any way serious about this, and really feel like if you were not married your life would not be fulfilling, then at least try to kiss the guy. lol Try to start dating then! You can't just all of a sudden say 'ok, let's get married, plan the whole thing and have your first kiss be the day of the wedding. How would you picture life being after the fact? Why do you want to get married? People generally get married (or live together, sans marriage) because they don't want to live apart from the person and want to stay with them forever. And, want to maybe start a family, get a dog, whatever. If you feel like he would be the answer to all the reasons that you want to get married, then consider it further.

But, if you are just settling because you don't want to be 'alone', then it's definitely not a good thing - for either of you.

Ok, just reading some of the responses.

Of course you should be friends with the person you marry! I don't know why everyone is saying 'i married my best friend'...um, ya - you really should be friends with your SO - regardless of if you were just friends to begin with or not. But being friends with the person should be a given! So, my point is, just because you are friends with this guy, doesn't mean you should marry him. But, definitely feel out the waters. But I do tend to think that if there was any connection between the two of you, you would have felt it by now (I don't know if you have). I, like many others, was friends with my hubby first - for 2 1/2 years - before i started feeling something for him. After we kissed for the first time then I knew it was real.

newmein2013

ElizabethM: Please see my post above. I do not want to get married.

Natx83

Hmmm, I have a similar pact with my high school girlfriend. We have come and gone out of each others lives for thr last 12 years. She's lived with me twice, and I've rescued her from a boyfriend by carrying her stuff out of her house whilst her boyfriend and his mother are trying to belittle and yell at her. She's rung whilst on the other side of the world, in tears. She's moved away now and we only talk if I call. I'm not deluded nothing is ever going to happen, there was a reason I broke up with her years ago, but apart from that she is pretty much my dream girl. Gorgeous and she just keeps getting better looking, she looks better at 29 than she did at 18 when we were together.

We've joked numerous times as well, to be honest I'm more keen than she is. I'm it her type an more, she's prob out of my league now lol. I've been in this guys exact position, I think if you aren't willing to risk the dynamic of your friendship you shouldn't bother. I don't know for sure but I'd say your friend is in maintenance mode, he's just hanging around, playing down your relationships, hanging on to the idea of being with you. If you two were to start dating I'm pretty sure you will see different sides to him, possibly ones you might not like. He could possibly become possessive as he's be waiting a long time to get with you. In saying that he could be the truest partner you'll ever find and fall in love.

That's the risk you have to take....

rpphillip

Why not just start with a date?

yes and see how it goes .I have been married to my 2nd husband for 30 years now , we love each other but sometimes it is hard, life gets hard ,I would not go into it unless I really had feeling for him, because that is what will hold it together when thing get hard!

2kidsandadonut

I'll start by saying I'm married to an amazing man! But other than that in high school I had a best friend who was "COMPLETELY" in love with me. I mean he would come and pick me up and bring me breakfast every morning before school and then drive me to work after school and once he even drove me 4 hours to see my husband *before he was my husband* For our junior prom my husband *BF at the time* wasn't able to make it so two days before prom I asked if my friend would take me and he rented a tux, limo, etc. That being said he was my best friend and friends with my brother (he even became my brother's college roommate) Everyone thought we would end up together. He spent years wooing me even though I had a boyfriend. So I gave it a go for about two weeks and when he kissed me it was like kissing my brother. Unfortunately, because I gave in and dated him he became even worse! He told me he loved me and would constantly say that we would end up together it became so awkward that after high school I completely broke off our friendship. I miss him terribly as a friend but I don't want to contact him out of fear that he may STILL be burning a torch even though we are both married now. His wife even facebooked me just to tell me how 'happy' they are. Which in itself speaks volumes if after 10 years his new wife feels she needs to find me out of the blue to assert her position. So my advice is find out if he is serious NOW! Because if you just let it go it can turn the whole friendship sour!

j_courter

okay, so if you kiss him, you have to tell us... how's that for a pact?! :-)

my husband and i were friends for several years before we started dating. we've been married for 14 years (in a few weeks) and i love him more today than yesterday. go on and kiss the boy! :bigsmile:

newmein2013

okay, so if you kiss him, you have to tell us... how's that for a pact?! :-)

my husband and i were friends for several years before we started dating. we've been married for 14 years (in a few weeks) and i love him more today than yesterday. go on and kiss the boy! :bigsmile:

I'll let you know how it all turns out. I won't see him until April 7th.

JanieJack

The only way to determine how serious he really is, is by asking him.

I have, several times. He always says he's serious but then we laugh. Maybe he's nervous?

I have a different perspective on this situation than one I expressed here. I *DID* marry my best friend. And guess what? Sometimes best friends make lousy husbands.

You said you don't want to get married. You said you don't feel any chemistry. I know you want to room with him, but my recommendation is find another roomate and leave him alone. I wouldn't even have "the talk" if the friendship is that great that you don't want to risk losing it. If he's serious, you'll hurt him (no chemistry, not interested in marriage) and if he's not interested I'm guessing he would have told you the other times you tried to bring it up. Guy friends who were 100% not interested in me have been honest about it.

I've never had "the talk" without damaging the friendship. It appears to have worked for others though, so YMMV.

bridgie101

Ok, this may sound silly. A very close guy friend and I made a pact several years ago that if we were still single in 10 years that we would marry each other. I completely forgot about it though. A few months ago while we were having dinner, I asked him if he thought I'd ever find someone who could make me really happy. (I've been told I have high standards and that I'm idealistic) He dropped his fork and looked completely surprised. He said, "What do mean? I thought we were getting married!" Since then we've had several conversations about it but neither of us could tell if the other is serious or joking. Now I'm not saying I would go through with this but I am very curious to find out if his reaction meant that he took it that serious. We've never dated or even kissed, just really great friends for years. Well, our 10th anniversary is coming up next summer. Opinions please?

Marry him. you only live once.

angela828

if you want to marry him, do it.
if not, go on some dates and see how it pans out.

i made a joke pact when I was 18 with my good friend (who was 22) at the time that if neither of us were married by the time I was 26 and he was 30, we would get married. Well a year later we started dating and we are engaged and getting married this July! (I'll be 24, he'll be 28). I think its funny that we were once friends, made a silly pact, and then eventually began to develop feelings for each other.

Kymmu

I made a pact with an old boyfriend before I met my hubby, we would meet on a date in a certain place if we weren't happy in our lives and get together.....
When I met my hubby I forgot all about the date and place and the pact.
Years later , I saw the old boyfriend he told me he waited for me there....
I felt bad for forgetting it, he was really a nice guy, but I made a great decision with my husband.
Old b.f is now divorced......

messiejessy

I think the best marriages are based on that kind of Agape love. My hubby and I were best friends for about 3 years. He tried to hook me up with his friends..trying to help me find the right one. Jokingly I said "too bad you don't have a twin brother" . A few months later he propositioned me. He said he can't find any girls that don't drive him nuts..and he doesn't want to see me end up with another jerk, so why don't we get married. He loves me as a friend and I love him as a friend so why not? It was awkward at first when we tried the whole kissing thing..we laughed before our lips even made contact. Oh, and the whole sex thing was even more awkward...but we started with very sensual stuff like body massages and talk over coffee and holding hands...Taking showers together until we were no longer awkward with our nakedness together...It was fun, almost like being a teenager again. Even when we got married, in a small ceremony the intimacy stuff was still awkward but we had fun. We married each other not because we were in love romantically but because we have legitimate love for each other and wanted each other to be happy. Also, 2 incomes are better than one, 2 minds are better than one and 2 parents are better than one. (I had too little boys at the time). Our marriage of the minds has turned into a fun relationship that now had the romantic love as a component,but it was developed over time. And we are a strong team because we are not together based on how we felt at one time, but because of a common goal and dream that grows and changes over time, and since we chose to be together without the emotions involved, we continue to persevere with each other and invite new and intense feelings when the come We have been married 4 years now and he is adopting my boys. Their biological father has removed himself from the situation and signed off, (luckily) and the we have a wonderful home full of laughter. We have our problems of course but maybe one big argument a year. Just like any relationship we needed to get used to each others baggage lol but as friends we already knew about most of it because we didn't have that beginning phase of hiding our issues to impress someone. He is everything he was before we got married, but now he is mine, and I am his and knowing that you belong to someone changes the world Good Luck

newmein2013

Messiejessy: That is such a sweet story. I'm so happy for you. Thanks for sharing. You made me laugh when you mentioned the massages b/c he ALWAYS wants me to do that. Every time he takes me to dinner, I have to reciprocate with a massage, lol.