women doing the "work" while men stand around?
soccerella
Posts: 619 Member
The other day my husband and I were at home depot getting some supplies for the house/garden. I insisted on pushing the flatbed cart carrying all our lumber and soil around the store and then loading/unloading it into our truck....just to get a little bit of extra exercise in. Similarly at work, I tend to carry the large buckets of seawater from room to room instead of putting them on a cart. I realize this isn't much, but I figure every little bit helps. Additionally I'm stubborn and also well aware that I am able to do these things, so I don't see a need to have someone else do them for me.
The problem is that we definitely live in an area where women are treated as such: I've been called ma'am for at least 5 years now and I've never opened my own car door when my husband is around, let alone a door to a store when any male is present. So when I'm pushing around this heavy cart and obviously struggling and my husband is leisurely strolling ahead of me, we tend to get some dirty looks. My boss even scolded a male coworker for having me do all the heavy lifting one day, even though I insisted on it. These people giving us these looks or shaking their heads at us obviously don't know whats going on and just think my husband is being a jerk.
Curious if anyone else does this type of thing or experienced it? Or alternatively, if you saw one of the situations described above would you think the guy was being inconsiderate, or would you think something else (the woman didn't want someone doing things for her or she was trying to exercise)
The problem is that we definitely live in an area where women are treated as such: I've been called ma'am for at least 5 years now and I've never opened my own car door when my husband is around, let alone a door to a store when any male is present. So when I'm pushing around this heavy cart and obviously struggling and my husband is leisurely strolling ahead of me, we tend to get some dirty looks. My boss even scolded a male coworker for having me do all the heavy lifting one day, even though I insisted on it. These people giving us these looks or shaking their heads at us obviously don't know whats going on and just think my husband is being a jerk.
Curious if anyone else does this type of thing or experienced it? Or alternatively, if you saw one of the situations described above would you think the guy was being inconsiderate, or would you think something else (the woman didn't want someone doing things for her or she was trying to exercise)
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being from NY...we have no experiences like this....we were in South Carolina getting a hotel once and a man opened the door for me...i found it so unusual i told my husband lol0
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Have you husband dress as a woman........................that should solve it.
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I don't think my husband has even gong to Home Depot with me, LOL. But I did have the husband of a friend of mine take issue to the fact that I was doing yard work while pregnant and recovering from ACL surgery. He went to far as to talk to husband about it. To this day my husband will not let me do yard work because the incident so emasculated him. It pissed me off because I am more than capable to doing yard work and now our yard looks like crap, because my husband just is not good at it.0
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My husband has had two surgeries on his neck having two different discs replaced and he is not able to lift heavy items. So I am the one hauling the bags of cat food etc while he stands there feeling like a jerk knowing that people are thinking exactly what you described. I feel bad for him but it is what it is so yes we have experienced the looks etc. I think he should wear his old neck brace while out and that would solve it.0
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I'm just as capable of doing most tasks as a man. If a man is standing around and being obviously unhelpful, for instance not holding the car door open so it doesn't swing shut while a woman is putting something into the car, then he'll get a dirty look.
Otherwise, I have no problem either doing stuff of seeing women doing stuff.0 -
I have back problems so my husband does all the heavy lifting. However I never judge because you don't know someone elses situation. I am fiercely independant but have to concede I can't do a lot of the things I used to do.0
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What's he doing to stop you, handcuffing you to the kitchen sink?To this day my husband will not let me do yard work because the incident so emasculated him.
Can't stand that "macho" attitude, it's so last century! :bigsmile:
Tell him he's crap at it, so you're going to do it yourself and he'll just have to grow a set. Or if he can't handle the humiliation of having a wife who is actually better at doing something than he is, he'd better get a lot better at doing it himself pdq.0 -
It's on a smaller scale, but I experienced similar in a game shop lately. My fiance suggested we go, and I'm a game collector so he said I could have a £20 budget as a gift from him. We got there, and £20 was enough to get me eight games. He was browsing, I picked the games I wanted and stacked them up, then walked over to him for a chat.
We were discussing what he might buy, and the shop's manager came over and said "Hello. Would you like me to take those off you, and put them behind the desk?"
I wasn't 100% sure I wanted them if my fiance couldn't find anything he liked, so I said:
"No, it's ok thanks", at which point my fiance turned to me and said "No, go on, it's fine. We'll definitely get them".
The guy took the games from my arms and said (he was joking): "Look at him, standing there whilst you hold all this. What a gentleman!"
My fiance joined in by turning and saying "Hey, they're her games!" but then carried on with "No, actually, you're right. You got me on that one".
Throughout this exchange, all I could think was 'They ARE my games. What's going on?!?!' :explode:
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I was raised in the South after being born in PR, so I was raised to still believe guys should open doors, do the heavy stuff, stand when a lady gets up from the table, throw punches when someone touches/insults your woman, etc. However, I was also raised by a dad who insisted I learn automotive basics early on, change my own tire if needed, and some basic self-defense.
My husband, I think was raised that way but most of that ran out once I said "I do." But instead of playing damsel in distress, I just do it myself. IE, if he won't take out the trash to the dumpster, I load the trunk and do it myself (it's a far walk at our complex), I shovel my own snow (he won't do it), etc. Heck I think this past time was the first time he's ever taken the car to get serviced himself. I wish he was a bit more old fashioned - we were clubbing once and some guy grabbed me inappropriately, and he didn't give a rat's behind. :grumble: In contrast, my cousin was insulted at a party and her husband got up, glanced at the rest of the men in my family, and my father, my uncle, my other cousin's then-fiance, her brother, and about 6 other guys got up and stood up for her.
Back to the OP - it's one thing if you ask to do the heavy stuff, but when the guy is capable and you don't ask to do it, he should. Call me old fashioned, but I plan to raise my son that way at least.0 -
It's the opposite for me: I'm used to having to do all the heavy stuff myself and find it strange when anyone else offers.
A friend of mine is about 10 years older than me and does the whole male chivalry thing. He opens doors for me, walks on the outside down the street, pulls my chair back at dinner.... Unfortunately I have quite a feminist side and most of these things drive me mad, but the first time he tried to push my chair in for me I had no idea what to do, as I simply wasn't used to men behaving like that!
He also does the washing up. If I didn't think he was gay I'm sure I'd have a queue of female friends wanting setting up with him :-p0 -
I love being able to do some of the "heavy lifting" but I would also like to not do all of it by myself. I think it depends on where you're from. In the midwest, I think we share it equally.. but in the south, i can see dirty looks being given. kinda funny though.. LOL0
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I am used to men helping with heavy stuff and I appreciate it.0
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I support you 100%. In fact, I insist that my wife do all the heavy lifting and manual labor. Sometimes she grumbles a bit, but, after I forward your post to her, I'm sure she'll see that this is just an expression of my love for her and thank me tonight, after she gets the lawn mowed.0
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When I grew up, that's how it worked ie men opening doors for ladies and carrying the heavy stuff for us. The other day I was walking up to the door of the school and not only did the man not hold the door for me but he let is slam in my face. Nice, eh?0
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I can't really relate on a male/female perspective, but when doing projects I sometimes find myself doing things the hard way just to get some exercise. Like shoveling my snow instead of getting a snow blower.
But if I saw that situation in public I would probably just assume that if the woman really wants the guy to push the cart, she will tell him to push the cart.0 -
I don't think my husband has even gong to Home Depot with me, LOL. But I did have the husband of a friend of mine take issue to the fact that I was doing yard work while pregnant and recovering from ACL surgery. He went to far as to talk to husband about it. To this day my husband will not let me do yard work because the incident so emasculated him. It pissed me off because I am more than capable to doing yard work and now our yard looks like crap, because my husband just is not good at it.
haha I do all the yard work too, home improvements, and most of the cleaning. His job is to do the dishes and even though it's his only job it only gets done once a week. If he had more to do nothing would get done! LOL
On the other hand I kind of enjoy doing the heavy lifting because I'm a petite person and it really throws people off! :laugh:0 -
Me too, messing with people's ignorant preconceptions about what ridiculously short woman can and can't do isn't much of a hobby but it makes me happy. :bigsmile:On the other hand I kind of enjoy doing the heavy lifting because I'm a petite person and it really throws people off! :laugh:
EDITED TO ADD: My favourite is when a man says "Oh, let me take that for you" and then staggers or drops it because it hadn't occurred to him that it might be heavy. Last time was at a builders merchants with a bag of gravel, fortunately it didn't split when he dropped it. What did he think it was, special women's gravel made of feathers and fluff?0 -
The other day my husband and I were at home depot getting some supplies for the house/garden. I insisted on pushing the flatbed cart carrying all our lumber and soil around the store and then loading/unloading it into our truck....just to get a little bit of extra exercise in. Similarly at work, I tend to carry the large buckets of seawater from room to room instead of putting them on a cart. I realize this isn't much, but I figure every little bit helps. Additionally I'm stubborn and also well aware that I am able to do these things, so I don't see a need to have someone else do them for me.
The problem is that we definitely live in an area where women are treated as such: I've been called ma'am for at least 5 years now and I've never opened my own car door when my husband is around, let alone a door to a store when any male is present. So when I'm pushing around this heavy cart and obviously struggling and my husband is leisurely strolling ahead of me, we tend to get some dirty looks. My boss even scolded a male coworker for having me do all the heavy lifting one day, even though I insisted on it. These people giving us these looks or shaking their heads at us obviously don't know whats going on and just think my husband is being a jerk.
Curious if anyone else does this type of thing or experienced it? Or alternatively, if you saw one of the situations described above would you think the guy was being inconsiderate, or would you think something else (the woman didn't want someone doing things for her or she was trying to exercise)
Um, ma'am is just a sign of respect. I can't see how that's bad.0 -
Let's see....yesterday I worked 9 hours, came home and cut grass for two hours then came inside the house and washed dishes WHILE MY HUSBAND WAS FISHING all day...needless to say, I was a little more than pissed...and sometimes I seriously wonder why he is still around...sorry to be so negative but I have to ask myself-what happened to all the men? There used to be a time when men took care of yard work-are those days gone? I'd LOVE to hear that they are not and mine is an extreme case...0
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This whole thing could explain why I'm single. I do most everything for myself. If I do need heavy lifting, I'll get a man to do it but have also found 2 or more women work just as well.
IMO both should work on the yard, esp if one is better at it than the other. If a man is more concerned with outsiders opinions of his masculinity than my opinion, he can go live with those people.
I don't but up with male pride, vanity, ego .. omg it's endless - they're worse than children. My dad wasn't like that - 'suck it up, Marilyn!' If you're a man, BE a man & don't let the neighbors tell you who you are. sheesh!0 -
When it comes to the homefront, I do just about everything. If I don't get the ladder out and put up the Christmas lights, then we won't have lights. Same for the tree. Same story for fertilizing, weeding, mowing the lawn and putting out the trash. My husband has health issues that keep him from doing these things. I don't get weird looks, but I wonder if the neighbors wonder about me because I'm the only woman that does such stuff around here.0
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HAHAHAHA... This is too funny. When we go to check out at the grocery store, my sweet darling knows to stand back. I'm so incredibly OCD about how things go on the conveyor belt. Here I am a 5'2" woman (and not large one) and he's about 5'11" and over 200lbs, and I'm the one heaving light and heavy things alike. :laugh: I don't really pay attention to other people when I'm unloading the basket, but I'm sure we have to be getting some looks.0
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My hubby is very old fashioned, (probably because he's almost twice my age lol) he has always spoiled me beyond belief which is the reason I ended up on this site in the first place, with each of my pregnancies he acted like I was a friggin porcelain doll , if he could have carried me everywhere he would have. Now however, unless we are in public he doesn't have a big problem letting me do my own thing . I admit to having bad thoughts about men if they are not helping and the woman looks like she is struggling , but that's bc most guys around here are generally just selfish lazy pricks.0
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My husband has had two surgeries on his neck having two different discs replaced and he is not able to lift heavy items. So I am the one hauling the bags of cat food etc while he stands there feeling like a jerk knowing that people are thinking exactly what you described. I feel bad for him but it is what it is so yes we have experienced the looks etc. I think he should wear his old neck brace while out and that would solve it.
Yeah, when mine had his appendix out, I wouldn't let him lift or anything for a couple of weeks. (He had some internal damage.) So not only was I doing my usual heavy lifting, I was telling him "No, honey. I'll get that." I can just imagine what folks were thinking.0 -
As a man, I say "screw yard work" not that I think the woman "should" do it.
I would just rather have a gravel patio, or wooded lot than have to cut grass or take care of it.
If it is the woman wanting the nice lawn, then she can do it herself or pay for it to be done0 -
It has a lot to do with where you're from, I think. I live in the South, so people here tend to take saying "ma'am" and holding doors pretty seriously. I've even had a professor at school tell us that we're all about food and holding doors. :bigsmile:0
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i don't judge other people's situations. i try to do what I can for my wife, not because she can't, but because I want to make things easier for her as much as possible. and that not only includes "heavy lifting," but also little things like dishes, or backing up photos from her phone to an external HD.0
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I still open the car door for my wife, I hold the door (not just for women but for ALL people), I say ma'am and sir. But that's how we roll in Oklahoma. I will tell my girls that if the guys they date do not hold the door for them and others to move on because to me, that is the biggest indicator as to if someone is a good person. If you hold the door for complete strangers and look them in the eye, nod, and smile at them, you are going to do good things elsewhere.0
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My fiance has back problems and we were outside the other day and I was washing the car for him because he was hurting and he was pretty much just standing there telling me when i missed spots haha. But everytime someone would come by he would take the sponge from me because he didn't like the way it looked with me washing the car while he was watching haha. He is a mans man and doesn't like me to do things that are a guys job.0
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The other day my husband and I were at home depot getting some supplies for the house/garden. I insisted on pushing the flatbed cart carrying all our lumber and soil around the store and then loading/unloading it into our truck....just to get a little bit of extra exercise in. Similarly at work, I tend to carry the large buckets of seawater from room to room instead of putting them on a cart. I realize this isn't much, but I figure every little bit helps. Additionally I'm stubborn and also well aware that I am able to do these things, so I don't see a need to have someone else do them for me.
The problem is that we definitely live in an area where women are treated as such: I've been called ma'am for at least 5 years now and I've never opened my own car door when my husband is around, let alone a door to a store when any male is present. So when I'm pushing around this heavy cart and obviously struggling and my husband is leisurely strolling ahead of me, we tend to get some dirty looks. My boss even scolded a male coworker for having me do all the heavy lifting one day, even though I insisted on it. These people giving us these looks or shaking their heads at us obviously don't know whats going on and just think my husband is being a jerk.
Curious if anyone else does this type of thing or experienced it? Or alternatively, if you saw one of the situations described above would you think the guy was being inconsiderate, or would you think something else (the woman didn't want someone doing things for her or she was trying to exercise)
Um, ma'am is just a sign of respect. I can't see how that's bad.
I know some people don't like it because it makes them feel old. "Ma'am is my mother." (Similarly, I know a lot of guys that don't like being called "sir" for the same reason - "Sir is my father.")0
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