women doing the "work" while men stand around?

NoAdditives

I lived on a farm for 10 years with my all female family. Before we were married my husband helped us with our annual hay delivery. He was pretty surprised when I climbed on top of a huge stack of hay and started tossing down bales. (I was very stylish and girly, always wearing makeup, having painted nails, etc. so it was weird for him to see me do hard work like that.)

I had always lived on the West Coast, and now in New Mexico, where men and women are a little more equal. No one thinks it's weird if I'm the one pushing or unloading the cart. But to be fair, if I'm unloading, he's loading the kids in the SUV.

KarmaxKitty

It has a lot to do with where you're from, I think. I live in the South, so people here tend to take saying "ma'am" and holding doors pretty seriously. I've even had a professor at school tell us that we're all about food and holding doors. :bigsmile:

This is true though. I once went to a place and had a door opened for me AND a plate of biscuits AND tea offered to me at the same time... I was like, where am I...? :laugh:

WhittRak

So you were struggling and your husband decided it best not to help? Last time I checked it was respectful to offer assistance to a woman, especially if she is physically struggling. And yes, it is common courtesy to hold the door open for NOT ONLY WOMEN, but men. I am sorry you don't like to be respected.

BrionyTallis

When I grew up, that's how it worked ie men opening doors for ladies and carrying the heavy stuff for us. The other day I was walking up to the door of the school and not only did the man not hold the door for me but he let is slam in my face. Nice, eh?

This is how I grew up too. And I've had men, and women, let the door "slam" in my face. I open doors, hold elevators, help people with their packages of both genders, etc. People just seem to appreciate it.

But as to the OP I've seen the looks less and less as the years have passed, and as another poster pointed out you never know a couple's particular situation. I have a friend whose husband is in a wheelchair and, that is easy for people to see and understand.

yoovie

Im just kind of sitting here in admiration of you cause I do the same and never thought of this. I have no advice, just kudos.

rileamoyer

I am much smaller than my DH and he has had 3 fusions and neck problems too. He looks healthy and fit, and unless you know him you would not know about his 'limitations'. He still over does and will even argue with me if I try and load something heavy on the cart in the store or unload at home. Even things I am perfectly capable of doing. On the other hand, there is NO WAY I will do his yard work, that is his baby and no one but him can do it right LOL.

Dragonwolf

So you were struggling and your husband decided it best not to help? Last time I checked it was respectful to offer assistance to a woman, especially if she is physically struggling. And yes, it is common courtesy to hold the door open for NOT ONLY WOMEN, but men. I am sorry you don't like to be respected.

You can't get stronger unless you do something challenging, and if it's challenging, it might mean you struggle doing it. If she wanted help, she wouldn't have insisted on doing it herself.

That said, there are still areas where it's expected that the men do all of the heavy work and hold the doors open and women are "supposed" to sit back and basically not return the courtesy. It's one thing to be equally courteous, it's another to act as if women can do anything for themselves solely because they don't have dangly bits.

WhittRak

So you were struggling and your husband decided it best not to help? Last time I checked it was respectful to offer assistance to a woman, especially if she is physically struggling. And yes, it is common courtesy to hold the door open for NOT ONLY WOMEN, but men. I am sorry you don't like to be respected.

You can't get stronger unless you do something challenging, and if it's challenging, it might mean you struggle doing it. If she wanted help, she wouldn't have insisted on doing it herself.

That said, there are still areas where it's expected that the men do all of the heavy work and hold the doors open and women are "supposed" to sit back and basically not return the courtesy. It's one thing to be equally courteous, it's another to act as if women can do anything for themselves solely because they don't have dangly bits.

I do not expect anything, I do however expect respect. This issue does not need to be made into anything other than a courtesy issue. So the OP and her husband had a mutual agreement...fantastic. She should not be shocked when they are given odd looks then. lol.

jessicas0215

I support you 100%. In fact, I insist that my wife do all the heavy lifting and manual labor. Sometimes she grumbles a bit, but, after I forward your post to her, I'm sure she'll see that this is just an expression of my love for her and thank me tonight, after she gets the lawn mowed.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Very nice!!:laugh:

Jacwhite22

When I grew up, that's how it worked ie men opening doors for ladies and carrying the heavy stuff for us. The other day I was walking up to the door of the school and not only did the man not hold the door for me but he let is slam in my face. Nice, eh?

Wow. That's awful.....I always hold doors......and have taught my 5YO son to do the same. It's only right.

misscristie

I guess I'm just spoiled. I have a perfect balance of being able to display my personal bada$$ery when I feel like it and being treated like a lady by my sweet husband.

I have been known to give a dirty look or shout obscenities when I see someone close the door on a lady with a baby stroller or anyone with armloads of stuff. Not to mention people who can't put a grocery cart in the return, but I digress.

bzmom

Yeah I have not had this happened but as another post did bring flashback to an incident when I was out on "bed rest" with my last pregnancy for like the last month and a half at home. What did I do? I planted our new neighbors just stared at me as I planted pots of flowers and around the tree and even climbed the ledge on our porch to hang the flower baskets with my huge belly LOL!!! priceless....

misscristie

As a man, I say "screw yard work" not that I think the woman "should" do it.
I would just rather have a gravel patio, or wooded lot than have to cut grass or take care of it.
If it is the woman wanting the nice lawn, then she can do it herself or pay for it to be done

Honey? Is that you?

KellyKAG

I have to sneak to move things when my husband is around. Even carrying the full laundry basket up the stairs he yells at me. I think its sweet that he worries and I appreciate it.

Justacoffeenut

The other day my husband and I were at home depot getting some supplies for the house/garden. I insisted on pushing the flatbed cart carrying all our lumber and soil around the store and then loading/unloading it into our truck....just to get a little bit of extra exercise in. Similarly at work, I tend to carry the large buckets of seawater from room to room instead of putting them on a cart. I realize this isn't much, but I figure every little bit helps. Additionally I'm stubborn and also well aware that I am able to do these things, so I don't see a need to have someone else do them for me.

The problem is that we definitely live in an area where women are treated as such: I've been called ma'am for at least 5 years now and I've never opened my own car door when my husband is around, let alone a door to a store when any male is present. So when I'm pushing around this heavy cart and obviously struggling and my husband is leisurely strolling ahead of me, we tend to get some dirty looks. My boss even scolded a male coworker for having me do all the heavy lifting one day, even though I insisted on it. These people giving us these looks or shaking their heads at us obviously don't know whats going on and just think my husband is being a jerk.

Curious if anyone else does this type of thing or experienced it? Or alternatively, if you saw one of the situations described above would you think the guy was being inconsiderate, or would you think something else (the woman didn't want someone doing things for her or she was trying to exercise)

I wish I had your problem. Here its the opposite. If you get a male to help you it is something. I understand how if in your area what you are doing is the odd thing out ones may get upset. But at the same time I'd say that is a good thing. Trust me always haveing to beg for help and sometimes people flatly say no is not a good thing. Be glad at least ones want to. You can always say no thank you I got it this time but thanks. Instead of my case where I am practically begging for someone to do something and get nothing.

Keep up all your good work wish you much success.

angryguy77

Let's see....yesterday I worked 9 hours, came home and cut grass for two hours then came inside the house and washed dishes WHILE MY HUSBAND WAS FISHING all day...needless to say, I was a little more than pissed...and sometimes I seriously wonder why he is still around...sorry to be so negative but I have to ask myself-what happened to all the men? There used to be a time when men took care of yard work-are those days gone? I'd LOVE to hear that they are not and mine is an extreme case...

It's called feminism and it has killed chivalry . Before people get all uptight, just think about it for a bit.

ElizabethRoad

It's called feminism and it has killed shivery.

Feminism caused global warming?

victoria4321

being from NY...we have no experiences like this....we were in South Carolina getting a hotel once and a man opened the door for me...i found it so unusual i told my husband lol

I've lived in nyc all my life and guys often hold doors and carry things for women. Not sure what part of ny you're in

CharlieBarleyMom

About lifting heavy items instead of your wife/girlfriend - that's old school. You could ask if she'd like some help, but if she says she's got it under control, that's good. My ex-husband refused to even let me carry a laundry basket up steps when we were first married - when we moved he only allowed me to carry a living room lamp. This got old for me since he wasn't there all the time and then it must've gotten old for him too because eventually he was sitting his lazy butt on the couch while I did all the work. (ex-husband)

About opening doors and so called "gentlemanly" postures: I was raised that each person, no matter gender, should consider the situation of the person next to them. Therefore, if I am walking into or out of a building and ANY person is right there, I will hold the door for them. Especially if that person is less capable, e.g. elderly or using a cane, crutches, or other device to help them walk.

As to other people thinking whether the behavior you exhibit is riight or wrong, they cannot know the situation in which you live. No one can. Some of the posters here said their husband has an injury which automatically disqualifies them from helping... so, these things happen. You cannot control what other people believe, only what you know. So that is something you need to work on in you. Allowing yourself to live your life, not the life that you beieve other people expect you to live.

victoria4321

It's called feminism and it has killed shivery.

Feminism caused global warming?

:laugh:

saragato

You want blatant disrespect you should've seen everything my father had me do, and I'm not talking "oh he made me do lots of chores he could've done." My dad was sexist so as a card-carrying vag owner I did labor. Though on the plus side the constant up and down stairs with half a dozen bags of heavy groceries in each arm several times each grocery trip gave me a good starting point for now when I lift weights.

That aside, I live in the South where it's considered polite to hold a door for someone, pull out a lady's seat in a restaurant, and be given that general "Lady" treatment. But at the same time it's expected too that a Southern woman have her independence streak and do things herself. In fact I see more cases where women won't let their husbands pick up heavy things, push carts, or do much but hold on to the purse or the kid(s) because they've taken charge and they like it. Maybe it's where I'm from or where I am currently but I see more dirty looks when the man's doing all the work and the woman's trailing behind with no input.

In the end, so what if people stare, so what if they expect you to be in the kitchen popping out babies like you're a factory? People think what they want and it's not affecting you and you don't have to explain what you're doing and why to anyone. If your husband genuinely seemed to just be enjoying the lack of his own labor in the equation, either brush it off as a simple "she can handle herself, I can relax" or talk to him--civilly--about it. I don't get mad when I do things that my mother can very well do but are expected of me as an unspoken thing because I do them more or want to do them. But I guess that's not relevant because it's not a matter of respect from the opposite sex? I'unno, respect is respect. Woman disrespects me I get just as mad as if a man did it.

ElizabethRoad

being from NY...we have no experiences like this....we were in South Carolina getting a hotel once and a man opened the door for me...i found it so unusual i told my husband lol

I've lived in nyc all my life and guys often hold doors and carry things for women. Not sure what part of ny you're in

I live in Massachusetts and I wouldn't say we're an especially polite bunch... but people hold doors for other people, regardless of gender.

That_Girl

No one cares in CA.

MayMaydoesntrun

It's called feminism and it has killed shivery.

Feminism caused global warming?

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Elizabeth_C34

I do ALL the heavy work around my house. I repair most of the broken stuff, haul the gardening stuff, etc. My husband won't even go into a home depot or lowe's. I guess I'm used to it.

angryguy77

It's called feminism and it has killed shivery.

Feminism caused global warming?

:laugh:

Haha, don't know what I was thinking on that one. :noway:

FloraSin

There's a weird standard of logic where I live. Regular looking, able bodied folk hold the door for one another and just let it go in the face of the elderly and/or disadvantaged.

Sometimes I go with the seniors who live down the street from me to help with their grocery shopping. I've had men basically take the basket from me because my poor delicate lady self might collapse beneath the weight of a few veggies, but these same people will walk by Hazel (elderly neighbour) and completely ignore her while she does struggle with things (hence my going with).

Maybe I just live in a town full of creeps.

Also, someone mentioned game shopping. I hate when I go anywhere that they sell typical "man cave" things with my boyfriend. The assumption is always that it's for him. Even when we went to the sporting good store to buy me some new sports bras, they addressed him. Admittedly, he was dead on about my sizing, but that's not the point. lol

saragato

It's called feminism and it has killed shivery. Before people get all uptight, just think about it for a bit.

You're thinking of Feminazis, dear. Feminism, plain and simple, is the belief that the sexes should be equal and treated equally. If you believe that a woman should have the same respect as men, you're a feminist regardless of your gender. The people that scream that men are evil and condescending and should worship the ground women walk on because of how they've toiled over the centuries are just nutjobs who hate men for whatever reason and are just looking to hate.

Just think about it for a bit.

Jules2Be

It's called feminism and it has killed shivery.

Feminism caused global warming?

:laugh:

Haha, don't know what I was thinking on that one.

that you were chilly?

ElizabethRoad

It's called feminism and it has killed shivery.

Feminism caused global warming?

:laugh:

Haha, don't know what I was thinking on that one. :noway:

Sorry, couldn't resist.