Jealousy/Relationships (Can anyone relate?)

bmarie612

I kind of feel like I may be opening up too much by posting this... but I hope that a female out there can relate.

Okay, so I have been in a relationship for 3 years and we have been engaged for a year. However, I feel like I just know how guys are... I feel like they are all the same. PIGS. All they care about is hot women, naked women, and sex.

I know some men out there aren't as bad, and I believe my fiance is one of them. He is a good guy but a part of me just can't seem to just NOT CARE about other women he may see in public, at work ect.

My jealousy is so bad... I just wish I didn't have to be this way. I don't like to go out in public with him because the whole time I just keep my eye on every chick around us. I don't like watching TV with him because it seems like there's sexual content in every flippin movie/show. I know he loves me...and I don't want to continue to push him away with my jealousy issues.

I'm hoping my weight loss will help me and fix everything but I have a feeling that is won't. I am now back to what I weighed when I met my fiance..but I still hope to lose ATLEAST 18 more pounds.

So based off what I have said here if anyone can relate or feels like they are psychotic because of jealouy please send me a message!

Reading this post makes me feel like an idiot... I know it probably sounds pathetic to people who may read it but...it is what it is.

Spanaval

He has CHOSEN to be with you, weight gain and all. I hope you can appreciate that he likes you, all of you.

zombiemusicgirl

There have been some times that I've felt like that. I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. It has been the past 2 years that I have really felt free of the jealousy. Honestly, it had more to do with how I feel about myself than him.

Every time he would go out, I would be worried that some thinner, prettier more amazing girl would catch his eye and make him lose interest in me.

However, I will say that I worked on it and it passed. Don't ever feel pathetic about how you feel. Acknowledgment is part of figuring it out and moving forward.

I still get little twinges of jealousy here and there, but now they just remind me of how much I want to keep him.

Daydreams406

What is really going to change if you are 18 pounds lighter? You won't magically not be jealous.
Jealousy stems from insecurity. Which means a lack of security. You fear losing that security.
Whether it comes from yourself, or your relationship, etc, is what you need to figure out.
Talk with your partner.
The longer you are with someone, the less one should feel jealous and the more secure you should feel. As long as there are not issues like infidelity etc.

GO_NadZ_xO

What is really going to change if you are 18 pounds lighter? You won't magically not be jealous.
Jealousy stems from insecurity. Which means a lack of security. You fear losing that security.
Whether it comes from yourself, or your relationship, etc, is what you need to figure out.
Talk with your partner.
The longer you are with someone, the less one should feel jealous and the more secure you should feel. As long as there are not issues like infidelity etc.

I think that she might be hoping that she will be what her boyfriend is looking at, and that he wont need to look at that anymore.

I have the same problem, but I know that there will always be so much better than me and my boyfriend will be looking at it..

I guess the weight loss will help, because her boyfriend will notice it and find her more attractive than he already does. When you know that your boyfriend think very highly of your looks and stuff, the jealousy kind of goes away a bit.. because you're not so insecure about yourself.

bmarie, I know how you feel, I want the same, add me if you think we should support each other

weighlossforbaby

I know the feeling. I feel that way too sometimes. I have been married to my husband for almost 5 years but we have been going through some stuff lately too.

Don't let it bother you and don't let yourself think you would be prettier if you were thinner to have him notice you more because you are beautiful no matter what!

Ttopeka

Try thinking mind over matter. Your brain is a very powerful tool, and you can use it to your advantage. You just need to re-teach it to deal with these situations in a different way.

I know, easier said than done - and it's not going to be easy. But if you truly care about this relationship, at some point you need to realize that your insecurities are invalid (if they are -- I'm just assuming he has never cheated on you, said you're fat/ugly, made you feel worthless, etc. If he has, you have bigger issues.)

So long as you realize that your boyfriend loves you and has done NOTHING to make you feel as jealous as you do, you should be able to cope and stop pushing him away. Your jealousy stems from YOUR insecurities, not his misbehaviour; remind yourself of that.

Ask yourself why you're insecure and what would make you feel better. Did this only start after you gained weight, or have you always dealt with this? Would losing weight make you feel better about yourself, or do you just think if you lost weight he'd find you more attractive?

All in all, the biggest issue here is to learn how to think positively about yourself. That way, whenever you feel a twinge of jealousy coming on, remind yourself of all your positive aspects. You're beautiful, you have nice (insert body part here), the sex is great, ETC.

Sure, that girl is skinnier than you. So what? You're beautiful, have nice (I-B-P-H), the sex is great, ETC.

Sure, there's sexual content on TV. He has sex with YOU, not the television (erm, or the actors...or whatever.)

Ask yourself...what do these things really hurt? Does that pretty girl walking down the street legitimately pose an imminent threat to your relationship? NO! Is that sexy scene in a TV show really going to make him re-evaluate your sex life? NO! So why worry about something that *doesn't* matter? It's pointless and a waste of time.

No, I'm not saying it's easy, but just re-work every negative jealousy-inducing situation in your head. They're really not as threatening as they feel. Remind yourself of that, constantly.

erinkeely4

Working on your self esteem will REALLY help! Not just losing weight and getting fit, but taking the time and focus to do things that are important to you, and appreciate yourself for who you are. Jealousy is a sign of low self worth. Appreciate your husband for his commitment to you, and appreciate yourself for being worth committing to!

sarahdee2007

What is really going to change if you are 18 pounds lighter? You won't magically not be jealous.
Jealousy stems from insecurity. Which means a lack of security. You fear losing that security.
Whether it comes from yourself, or your relationship, etc, is what you need to figure out.
Talk with your partner.
The longer you are with someone, the less one should feel jealous and the more secure you should feel. As long as there are not issues like infidelity etc.

I am just halfway to my goal weight and I am feeling a lot better about myself. I am in a better mood and I am even down with watching adult movies sometimes. When I was at my heaviest, my self esteem was low and I definitely had a hard time knowing that he might be talking to thinner or sexier women than me. I guess what I'm saying is: work on you. If you are happy with yourself and you feel confident, the jealousy will be a nonissue. To be fair, I think that jealousy and not trusting someone are in two different ball fields.

MellowGa

My advice....nott o get married until you can get rid of your jealousy and trust your man, this works vice versa.

I dated my wife for 6 year, we been married for 15, so we been together for 21 years.

We went to College in different states and had to do this for 4 years, so we were not together all the time.

So we both had to trust each other and be very open with each other.

so if you don't have trust, you have nothing....20 years has gone by, guys have been hitting on her for those 20 years, I trust her and she trusts me.

That is the only way it will work, and Jealousy is something YOU have to get over, either you trust him or you don't, and you ahve to ask yourself why?

and do I like hot women? Oh yes I do, but I ain't going to dump my wife or cheat on her. Nothing wrong with looking and a little flirting, if flirting was bad I would ahve divorced my wife a long time ago because she is the biggest flirt in the world, it is who she is and a reason I love her.

so get over the jealousy and move on, you will see life is much better without it

Daydreams406

I think that she might be hoping that she will be what her boyfriend is looking at, and that he wont need to look at that anymore.

I have the same problem, but I know that there will always be so much better than me and my boyfriend will be looking at it..

I guess the weight loss will help, because her boyfriend will notice it and find her more attractive than he already does. When you know that your boyfriend think very highly of your looks and stuff, the jealousy kind of goes away a bit.. because you're not so insecure about yourself.

bmarie, I know how you feel, I want the same, add me if you think we should support each other

I don't know, see I have been with my husband for 16 years. I just don't think the same way anymore I guess. If your man truly loves you he isn't looking at other women thinking they might be a better option. Don't get me wrong, men look. So do women. But that is natural and ok. It is only a problem if they start doing something other than looking.

Someone is always going to be skinnier, prettier, this or that....you have to work on yourself if that is how you feel all the time. You have to love yourself, or at the very least like yourself. If you can only like yourself when you are skinny, then that is something you need to examine. There has to be more to "you" than your appearance. There is something about you that your boyfriends like and fell in love with. Nobody falls in love with appearance, if they do, then it doesn't last long, because there has to be more. Substance. Things in common. You feel like best friends. The list goes on and on.

I am losing weight after years of being a curvy size 18. But I still can turn heads even at my current weight. It is called confidence. You can have it whether you are a size 2 or a size 18. Inner beauty comes shining through when you have confidence in yourself and it doesn't start with outer beauty. You have to work on that from the inside out.

ninerbuff

Yep us men do really pay attention to hot women, naked women and sex. But looking and actually pursuing aren't the same thing. Being a PT, I'm hit on ALL the time by females in the gym, both young and old. At first my wife was insecure about it, but I assured her that attraction is only physical. Relationships are much more than that. I couldn't be with someone who is just about material possessions being the definition of who they are. I've had girlfriends who were drop dead gorgeous, but cared so much about having to wear designer clothes, shoes, etc. and spend money on that rather then on a getaway to the beach.
You have to work on your self esteem and self worth. If not, then you'll end up always looking over your SO's shoulder and trust me as a male, that could be a deal breaker in a relationship.


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KarenJean91

Just remember that he chose you for YOU. He fell in love with YOU. Any woman he may see in public - - he's not going to pursue them, let alone even remember them. Whenever i'm feeling jealous, i keep that in mind. That whatever 'hot' girl he may see in public.. won't stay in his mind very long, and you'll always be around as a reminder of how lucky he is

MrsCon40

You may want to consider that your insecurity (which makes you jealous) comes from your belief that men are "PIGS". Losing 18 pounds will do nothing to change your fundamental mistrust of men.

If you don't even like to go out in public then you should, for the sake of the man that has chosen you, seek some counseling or at least check out some self help books.

:flowerforyou:

kennethmgreen

I really like what niner and MrsCon wrote.

This concerns me:

I'm hoping my weight loss will help me and fix everything but I have a feeling that is won't. I am now back to what I weighed when I met my fiance..but I still hope to lose ATLEAST 18 more pounds.

Weight loss isn't going to fix anything. It's just going to make you weigh less.

I can't speak for all men, but I will tell you that I (and the men I know) will look at an attractive person all the time. It's all around us. Women do this too, but perhaps to a lesser extent (or at least a lot less obvious). If you watched a movie and fantasized about Brad Pitt, that doesn't make you love your fiance less, does it? Do you look at Brad Pitt and think less of your fiance because he doesn't look like Brad Pitt?

You sound like you're just processing/thinking out loud in your original post, and you have some awareness that your thinking might not be the healthiest.

Jealousy is insidious and extremely damaging to a relationship. It touches all that core stuff like trust, self-worth, self-image, etc. Please talk to someone. Jealousy isn't about the other person.

BrettPGH

First you clearly don't know how guys are because we aren't all pigs. But thanks for that.

Second you have issues that aren't going to be solved by any post you'll read here. Your jealousy and insecurities are very deep and you could use some time talking to a professional. That is not meant to be an insult. Everyone can do with a little couch time. But yes you need to talk to someone. That in an unhealthy level of insecurity.

Good luck to you.

Nerdy_Rose

I suggest you look into therapy/mental health counseling.

catattack13

you're likely going to lose 18 pounds or more, and then realize jealousy is still raging; and likely worse, because you'll be "hot" and still feeling like this. find a counselor. if he's really a pig, you'll figure it out. if he's a truly good guy, you will absolutely lose him with this insecure and unfair mindset.

morganhccstudent724

You need to talk to someone ASAP.

NeedANewFocus

you're likely going to lose 18 pounds or more, and then realize jealousy is still raging; and likely worse, because you'll be "hot" and still feeling like this. find a counselor. if he's really a pig, you'll figure it out. if he's a truly good guy, you will absolutely lose him with this insecure and unfair mindset.

^ this is true.

i can actually relate to this. I do those very same things when in public and watching tv. i thought it would stop after i lost the weight but now its worst. you must find peace.

Sh1tsRainbows

i think your jealousy will eventually drive him away..your self esteem issues will make it so no matter how he acts you will think he is after someone else.

not trying to be rude...Ive had the same problem.

if only i was skinny enough, smart enough, maybe if I cook better , clean better, give a better BJ.... in your mind something is always wrong with you but in his mind hes already said your perfect...cause he chose YOU!!!!

SinIsIn

Seek professional help.

I can be jealous at times... but you've taken it to an extreme. (IMO)

aliciamarieUF

He probably isn't the right one. I as like that with my ex boyfriend. I turned out to be right about everything, too. Now that I'm with my husband, I have jealousy issues but they are minimal and no where near the issues I had with my ex boyfriend. I can even talk about past relationships with him freely. I trust him much more than my ex.

If you're having these feelings, go with your gut.

sdrawkcabynot

First you clearly don't know how guys are because we aren't all pigs. But thanks for that.

Second you have issues that aren't going to be solved by any post you'll read here. Your jealousy and insecurities are very deep and you could use some time talking to a professional. That is not meant to be an insult. Everyone can do with a little couch time. But yes you need to talk to someone. That in an unhealthy level of insecurity.

Good luck to you.

^^^THIS^^^

You need to love yourself and resolve your issues before you can find happiness with someone else!

Bentley2718

I think you are correct that losing weight will not help with your jealousy issues. You probably want to assess why you feel so jealous. Is it something in your past, in either a relationship or your family of origin? Is it some underlying problem in this relationship? A therapist might be useful in this process.

Also, my husband checks out hot women all the time. It doesn't bother me, because I know he loves me and finds me attractive. You do not *have* to feel jealous.

FaugHorn

It sounds more like a dissatisfaction with yourself if you think you're not good enough that he's going to run around/fantasize about everything he sees. A little jealousy twinge every now and again is normal, but you're describing pretty dramatic feelings which could end up driving him to do exactly what you're afraid of; leave.

KailaJordan

jealousy is natural but it gets ugly if it spirals out of control. you need to remind yourself what you have to be jealous of - a hot body? good looks? so what? your fiancé obviously fancies you and loves you completely, for YOU. a hot body is not unachievable and we can all make the most of ourselves. losing weight may give you a little bit more confidence but it will never make the jealousy go away. it is something you have to conquer yourself. my boyfriend gets jealous a fair amount over my ex boyfriends, male friends, celebrities i fancy, but he doesn't let it get the best of him. he knows he has no reason to let it. you are your own person and you should be proud of yourself, proud of who you are and what you've got, and that you have a fiancé who clearly loves the bones of you.

La_Amazona

I grew out of my jealousy. I was just as "bad" as you. It definately was from low self esteem, abandonment issues, and insecurity.
I was a psycho gf when I was younger and most of the time, I'd either push the guy away or make a fool of myself (or both).

I would seek professional help. This is something you'll have to overcome. Like I said, I outgrew it but it took me YEARS. As I approached my 30's I started to embrace myself.. the more I embraced myself as I was, the better I wanted to be. I've been on a 'love me' journey since. My attitude used to be "what if he leaves me?" "look at her, she's so pretty and "he's going to want her". I'd spot the pretty girls a mile away and then have knots in my tummy! It was a horrible way to live...

I crap you not, my attitude now is "there is not another ME" "I'm awesome, hot, sexy, beautiful, smart, and one of a kind".

There's always going to be someone hotter, younger, prettier, smarter, whatever... but there's only ONE me. If you would have told me 7 years ago I'd get to this point, I wouldn't believe it.

You can too.

JennaM222

My ex made me feel like that...thats why he is my EX.

My man now....

He came home HORRIFIED one night and shaken up. A girl baught him a shot, and he went over there, thanked her, and told her about me. He was so worried I would be upset.

Really?

Now, that is a good man.

Side note - The girl must have been some early twenty something space cadet, becasue she baught him a upside down pinapple cake. A real woman buys a man Whiskey. Straight. when she is trying to catch his eye.

Tiggerrick

Your feelings of insecurity and jealousy are NOT abnormal. You are only 20 years old, and have not had a full life of experiences. You may also want to understand that you are scheduled to live for at least another 60 years. You will be a totally different person in 5, 10, 20 years from now. The real issue is HOW YOU DEAL WITH YOUR FEELINGS. I used to be extremely jealous at your age too, but it was because deep down inside I KNEW that I was NOT ready to settle down. I was looking too, and if I did it, she did it. There is insecurity in YOU that makes YOU feel what you are feeling. It has nothing to do with him, or other guys, or other girls. Anyways, the best way to deal with what you are feeling without just ‘growing out of it’ by getting older truly IS therapy.

Busyboymomx3

What is really going to change if you are 18 pounds lighter? You won't magically not be jealous.
Jealousy stems from insecurity. Which means a lack of security. You fear losing that security.
Whether it comes from yourself, or your relationship, etc, is what you need to figure out.
Talk with your partner.
The longer you are with someone, the less one should feel jealous and the more secure you should feel. As long as there are not issues like infidelity etc.

I think that she might be hoping that she will be what her boyfriend is looking at, and that he wont need to look at that anymore.

I have the same problem, but I know that there will always be so much better than me and my boyfriend will be looking at it..

I guess the weight loss will help, because her boyfriend will notice it and find her more attractive than he already does. When you know that your boyfriend think very highly of your looks and stuff, the jealousy kind of goes away a bit.. because you're not so insecure about yourself.

bmarie, I know how you feel, I want the same, add me if you think we should support each other

but when weight isnt an issue- there will be something else she'll feel she needs to change

Men look, they're visual creatures- It doesnt make them pigs and no matter what they always will

this sounds like something a little deeper