Jealousy/Relationships (Can anyone relate?)

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  • SinIsIn
    SinIsIn Posts: 1,865 Member
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    Seek professional help.

    I can be jealous at times... but you've taken it to an extreme. (IMO)
  • aliciamarieUF
    aliciamarieUF Posts: 226 Member
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    He probably isn't the right one. I as like that with my ex boyfriend. I turned out to be right about everything, too. Now that I'm with my husband, I have jealousy issues but they are minimal and no where near the issues I had with my ex boyfriend. I can even talk about past relationships with him freely. I trust him much more than my ex.

    If you're having these feelings, go with your gut.
  • sdrawkcabynot
    sdrawkcabynot Posts: 466 Member
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    First you clearly don't know how guys are because we aren't all pigs. But thanks for that.

    Second you have issues that aren't going to be solved by any post you'll read here. Your jealousy and insecurities are very deep and you could use some time talking to a professional. That is not meant to be an insult. Everyone can do with a little couch time. But yes you need to talk to someone. That in an unhealthy level of insecurity.

    Good luck to you.

    ^^^THIS^^^

    You need to love yourself and resolve your issues before you can find happiness with someone else!
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,690 Member
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    I think you are correct that losing weight will not help with your jealousy issues. You probably want to assess why you feel so jealous. Is it something in your past, in either a relationship or your family of origin? Is it some underlying problem in this relationship? A therapist might be useful in this process.

    Also, my husband checks out hot women all the time. It doesn't bother me, because I know he loves me and finds me attractive. You do not *have* to feel jealous.
  • FaugHorn
    FaugHorn Posts: 1,060 Member
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    It sounds more like a dissatisfaction with yourself if you think you're not good enough that he's going to run around/fantasize about everything he sees. A little jealousy twinge every now and again is normal, but you're describing pretty dramatic feelings which could end up driving him to do exactly what you're afraid of; leave.
  • KailaJordan
    KailaJordan Posts: 35
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    jealousy is natural but it gets ugly if it spirals out of control. you need to remind yourself what you have to be jealous of - a hot body? good looks? so what? your fiancé obviously fancies you and loves you completely, for YOU. a hot body is not unachievable and we can all make the most of ourselves. losing weight may give you a little bit more confidence but it will never make the jealousy go away. it is something you have to conquer yourself. my boyfriend gets jealous a fair amount over my ex boyfriends, male friends, celebrities i fancy, but he doesn't let it get the best of him. he knows he has no reason to let it. you are your own person and you should be proud of yourself, proud of who you are and what you've got, and that you have a fiancé who clearly loves the bones of you. :)
  • La_Amazona
    La_Amazona Posts: 4,855 Member
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    I grew out of my jealousy. I was just as "bad" as you. It definately was from low self esteem, abandonment issues, and insecurity.
    I was a psycho gf when I was younger and most of the time, I'd either push the guy away or make a fool of myself (or both).

    I would seek professional help. This is something you'll have to overcome. Like I said, I outgrew it but it took me YEARS. As I approached my 30's I started to embrace myself.. the more I embraced myself as I was, the better I wanted to be. I've been on a 'love me' journey since. My attitude used to be "what if he leaves me?" "look at her, she's so pretty and "he's going to want her". I'd spot the pretty girls a mile away and then have knots in my tummy! It was a horrible way to live...

    I crap you not, my attitude now is "there is not another ME" "I'm awesome, hot, sexy, beautiful, smart, and one of a kind".

    There's always going to be someone hotter, younger, prettier, smarter, whatever... but there's only ONE me. If you would have told me 7 years ago I'd get to this point, I wouldn't believe it.

    You can too.
  • JennaM222
    JennaM222 Posts: 1,996 Member
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    My ex made me feel like that...thats why he is my EX.

    My man now....

    He came home HORRIFIED one night and shaken up. A girl baught him a shot, and he went over there, thanked her, and told her about me. He was so worried I would be upset.

    Really?

    Now, that is a good man.

    Side note - The girl must have been some early twenty something space cadet, becasue she baught him a upside down pinapple cake. A real woman buys a man Whiskey. Straight. when she is trying to catch his eye.
  • Tiggerrick
    Tiggerrick Posts: 1,078 Member
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    Your feelings of insecurity and jealousy are NOT abnormal. You are only 20 years old, and have not had a full life of experiences. You may also want to understand that you are scheduled to live for at least another 60 years. You will be a totally different person in 5, 10, 20 years from now. The real issue is HOW YOU DEAL WITH YOUR FEELINGS. I used to be extremely jealous at your age too, but it was because deep down inside I KNEW that I was NOT ready to settle down. I was looking too, and if I did it, she did it. There is insecurity in YOU that makes YOU feel what you are feeling. It has nothing to do with him, or other guys, or other girls. Anyways, the best way to deal with what you are feeling without just ‘growing out of it’ by getting older truly IS therapy.
  • Busyboymomx3
    Busyboymomx3 Posts: 110 Member
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    What is really going to change if you are 18 pounds lighter? You won't magically not be jealous.
    Jealousy stems from insecurity. Which means a lack of security. You fear losing that security.
    Whether it comes from yourself, or your relationship, etc, is what you need to figure out.
    Talk with your partner.
    The longer you are with someone, the less one should feel jealous and the more secure you should feel. As long as there are not issues like infidelity etc.


    I think that she might be hoping that she will be what her boyfriend is looking at, and that he wont need to look at that anymore.

    I have the same problem, but I know that there will always be so much better than me and my boyfriend will be looking at it..

    I guess the weight loss will help, because her boyfriend will notice it and find her more attractive than he already does. When you know that your boyfriend think very highly of your looks and stuff, the jealousy kind of goes away a bit.. because you're not so insecure about yourself.

    bmarie, I know how you feel, I want the same, add me if you think we should support each other :)

    but when weight isnt an issue- there will be something else she'll feel she needs to change

    Men look, they're visual creatures- It doesnt make them pigs and no matter what they always will

    this sounds like something a little deeper
  • kb455
    kb455 Posts: 679 Member
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    you're likely going to lose 18 pounds or more, and then realize jealousy is still raging; and likely worse, because you'll be "hot" and still feeling like this. find a counselor. if he's really a pig, you'll figure it out. if he's a truly good guy, you will absolutely lose him with this insecure and unfair mindset.

    I agree. You'll push him away if he feels like he can't even look in the general direction of another woman. It isn't healthy for either of you. And, as others have said, you'll end up losing him in the long run anyway. Based on what you've said, it sounds like this has very little to do with him and everything to do with you. Like others have said, it may benefit you to seek help. Everyone deserves to feel secure and happy. It can't be healthy to worry every day that your man is going to run off with someone else.
  • femmi1120
    femmi1120 Posts: 473 Member
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    To everyone saying "he chose you, therefore he loves you, therefore you should not worry"

    I know you all mean well, but as someone who can relate to OP almost 100%, someone who is psychotic jealous is not going to see that and think "Wow, you're so right. I'd never thought of it that way. Boy, do I feel silly now!"

    If people could use logic to sort out their emotions, life would be so much easier, but it just does not work that way.

    I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and I've had problems with jealousy to the point where I cannot for the life of me understand how he even stuck around for so long. And I KNOW he loves me, and deep down I also KNOW the would never cheat on me, but like a few people pointed out, HE is not the problem. I am. It's my issues with myself and my own insecurities and while I understand that, it doesn't make it any easier.

    I keep telling myself that it will all magically go away if I lose another 15 or 20 lbs, but realistically, I know I can't count on that. Sure, I can change my weight, but that won't make me any taller, it won't make my boobs any bigger, and it won't make me a natural blonde or redhead. I'm just doing the best I can right now and working with what I have in hope that it will improve even if it doesn't go away completely.
  • J3SSP3NNY
    J3SSP3NNY Posts: 235
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    You will be eaten alive and it will ruin your relationship.

    I mean this in the NICEST possible way. The pronblem is within YOU. How you see yourself. Not how he sees you and other women.

    You need to work on loving you and seeing you as a wonderful, beautiful woman. Just like he must see you. It's up to you to get yourself the help you need and to work on your self-esteem.

    And you are beautiful. STOP comparing yourself to others. It's a waste of time. You are unique. You're the only person who can do you. Out of 7 billion people! I'd say that makes you pretty spectacular. :flowerforyou:
  • _Bob_
    _Bob_ Posts: 1,487 Member
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    me and my wife have this conversation often. as I lose more weight and gain muscle she has started to notice women in public treating me differently, and she is started to turn into a jealous person. counseling might be a good option combined with good communication not nagging :) hope that helps
  • DannyMussels
    DannyMussels Posts: 1,842 Member
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    Yep us men do really pay attention to hot women, naked women and sex. But looking and actually pursuing aren't the same thing. Being a PT, I'm hit on ALL the time by females in the gym, both young and old. At first my wife was insecure about it, but I assured her that attraction is only physical. Relationships are much more than that. I couldn't be with someone who is just about material possessions being the definition of who they are. I've had girlfriends who were drop dead gorgeous, but cared so much about having to wear designer clothes, shoes, etc. and spend money on that rather then on a getaway to the beach.
    You have to work on your self esteem and self worth. If not, then you'll end up always looking over your SO's shoulder and trust me as a male, that could be a deal breaker in a relationship.

    I agree with everything this guy said.

    I only date/pursue girls who are in decent shape or better, but even talking to the guys at work, there's 2 females who are overweight there, but have amazing attitudes, always happy, smiling, etc...and they're quite attractive despite them both being pretty overweight.

    Attitude, demeanor, etc go a long way as far as attraction goes. Strictly physical can only take you so far, and is usually good for short-term pleasure.

    Start with your attitude, confidence, trust and all that junk, lighten up, realize not EVERY woman is after your man, or competition and keep in mind everything you do have that brings you closer.

    Experiences > Looks

    *Semi-related. I remember reading a study about people and the way they spend money. It said people who buy new things (gadgets, clothing) usually enjoy them for about a month before the appeal/excitement ends. People who travel, or use that money to experience something, can always look back (photos, stories) and still derive pleasure and experience those feelings for the rest of their lives. I'd say the same applies to relationships and life. (if you understand my comparison of something shiny and new as a new woman, and the experiences/travel as life history with a life partner).

    ;)
  • tashaa1992
    tashaa1992 Posts: 658 Member
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    I kind of feel like I may be opening up too much by posting this... but I hope that a female out there can relate.

    Okay, so I have been in a relationship for 3 years and we have been engaged for a year. However, I feel like I just know how guys are... I feel like they are all the same. PIGS. All they care about is hot women, naked women, and sex.

    I know some men out there aren't as bad, and I believe my fiance is one of them. He is a good guy but a part of me just can't seem to just NOT CARE about other women he may see in public, at work ect.

    My jealousy is so bad... I just wish I didn't have to be this way. I don't like to go out in public with him because the whole time I just keep my eye on every chick around us. I don't like watching TV with him because it seems like there's sexual content in every flippin movie/show. I know he loves me...and I don't want to continue to push him away with my jealousy issues.

    I'm hoping my weight loss will help me and fix everything but I have a feeling that is won't. I am now back to what I weighed when I met my fiance..but I still hope to lose ATLEAST 18 more pounds.

    So based off what I have said here if anyone can relate or feels like they are psychotic because of jealouy please send me a message!

    Reading this post makes me feel like an idiot... I know it probably sounds pathetic to people who may read it but...it is what it is.
    I actually know how this feels because this was me. Before my last ex, boys were just toys I could play with, I thought it was fun. My last ex, mark was the only guy I have been serious with, on my part, not his.
    I hated even just sitting down to watch a film with him because he would always say he'd 'bang' the girl who was on it. I'm a really jealous person and add in insecurities and it just makes it ten times worse. I always thought other girls were eyeing him up whenever we'd go anywhere. Even when he was working, I'd watch any women coming into the shop and him, I'd watch their body language, it was horrible. It's a bit different though because I knew he didn't love me, I was just too insecure to leave. Does your boyfriend know how you feel? I think though he may feel a bit confused by this situation, talking to him about it may help. My ex wasn't who he pretended to be though, but it sounds like your boyfriend really does cherish you, hold onto him xxx
  • TheReese1206
    TheReese1206 Posts: 238
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    I'm sorry. I have greatly struggled as well. If you need to talk...pm me.
  • aliciamarieUF
    aliciamarieUF Posts: 226 Member
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    Yep us men do really pay attention to hot women, naked women and sex. But looking and actually pursuing aren't the same thing. Being a PT, I'm hit on ALL the time by females in the gym, both young and old. At first my wife was insecure about it, but I assured her that attraction is only physical. Relationships are much more than that. I couldn't be with someone who is just about material possessions being the definition of who they are. I've had girlfriends who were drop dead gorgeous, but cared so much about having to wear designer clothes, shoes, etc. and spend money on that rather then on a getaway to the beach.
    You have to work on your self esteem and self worth. If not, then you'll end up always looking over your SO's shoulder and trust me as a male, that could be a deal breaker in a relationship.


    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition


    Don't listen to this turd. My husband is 100% obsessed with me and can't even bring himself to be attracted to other girls. Until you find a guy like that, he's not worth your time.
  • bluemorpho1247
    bluemorpho1247 Posts: 300 Member
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    This is EXACTLY my life right now... except not engaged. Im tryin not to be jealous but I cant help it!
  • carrieo888
    carrieo888 Posts: 233 Member
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    Let's just focus on the jealousy thing for a moment. Jealousy is a waste of emotional energy. If you trust someone, you have no reason to be jealous; if you don't trust him, you should not be in a relationship with him. Period. The issue is in you, not him, or anyone else. Jealousy is a symptom of fear. What are you really afraid of? Write down your fears - to get them out of your head. Analyze them. Many of the fears bouncing around in your head will be ridiculous, and make you laugh. Others will be good speaking points to your mate. If you think you can't talk about these things with him, your relationship is not going to grow through this. And since I am not a professional, I always recommend that you see a professional counselor. There is no reason for you to deal with this by yourself.

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