Jealousy/Relationships (Can anyone relate?)

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Replies

  • bmarie612
    bmarie612 Posts: 221 Member
    This is an interesting thread!
    Before I got into a program for my alcoholism, I too had super jelousy issues. When it came up during the twelve step process, my sponsor told me I had security issues. I thought he was crazy, but here is what I found out about me.
    Nobody thinks of me the way I think of me. Nobody thinks I am a disugusting piece of "you know what" and that I don't deserve to be with this person or that person. When I get jelous, that is what I am telling myself, is that I don't deserve what I have, whether it is a person, place or thing.
    With the help of doing the twelve steps and taking care of my issues, namely the past, I have found that I don't get jelous anymore. And I know that I am someone worth knowing or getting to know, I treat my friends and family with love and respect, and that if you are a friend of mine, I treat you the way my friends treat me!
    Jelousy is not about what the other person is doing that is making me jelous, it is about how I feel about me that is making me feel insecure and feeling like I don't deserve! As my sponsor says "You got some inside work to do! It ain't what is going on outside that is making you feel that way, it is what is going on inside your heart and soul that makes you feel that way". My emotions aren't fact, I shouldn't react to them like they are!
    God Bless and do an inside job, it works every time!
    BC



    Thanks for the encouraging words! I'm planning on really working at getting over my problems and I know for a fact its allllll me.
  • bmarie612
    bmarie612 Posts: 221 Member
    I feel you are the problem.



    Naaaaaa, realllly? I wouldn't have guessed
  • tinydreams
    tinydreams Posts: 39
    omg i can so relate too this! it was the worst time of my life being like that and it ruined absolutely everything, you need to be more relaxed about these situations, because it will do your head in and will turn out bad :( xxx
  • mznisaelaine
    mznisaelaine Posts: 2,262 Member
    I can relate. I was the jealous girl when I was in a relationship. I kept trying to figure out why I was feeling this way. But I actually had a reason....

    Me acting jealous (although I wasn't too sure why I was) led me to the truth. I guess I had a feeling the "trust" wasn't there. And that jealous actions that I had led me to the truth about my ex-boyfriend. (NOTICE he is an ex now.)
  • rednblack84
    rednblack84 Posts: 31
    Love yourself, he already does :-) Everyone looks at other people every now and then but at the end of the day you are the one he wants and as long as you stay YOU (no matter your weight, shape, or size). If it's real love, it's so much deeper than that.
  • Kittie_Kat
    Kittie_Kat Posts: 101
    I think you need to work on your jealousy issues little by little, otherwise youre going to end up pushing him completely away, and he's going to leave. I've learned to accept the fact that guys (and girls) in a relationship naturally look at others. It doesn't mean that he wants to have sex with her or anything, he just likes how she looks. Hey he's going home with you so that's all that matters. If it's just simple looking at other women, than there is nothing wrong with that in my eyes. Losing 18lbs on your part isn't going to make your jealousy go away. You have to work on your self esteem as well.
  • Phoenix59
    Phoenix59 Posts: 364 Member
    Men are men and they're going to look. After all, who doesn't appreciate a nice form? Any woman who thinks for a minute that her man isn't looking or noticing other females is delusional! How do you think he noticed you? Sheesh!

    I had jealousy issues in the past, but find that as I've gotten older, more comfortable in my own skin and become more confident, that is no longer an issue. I know who I am and what I have to offer. My husband notices other women and sometimes I even point them out to him. I know he loves me and he's damned lucky to have me, but that doesn't mean he's oblivious to other women.

    I agree with others who say you need to take control of this problem and deal with it before it ruins your relationship.
  • bmarie612
    bmarie612 Posts: 221 Member
    I guess I should add that I seriously and I mean seriously do not check out any men. I have NEVER been "boy crazy" or cared about men around me... I've never been like "omg girls check out those baseball hotties over there" ... thats just not me... I guess i'm the only one who doesn't care to look at the opposite sex. I've always been approached..never cared to approach a man and be in a relationship..
  • Katie3784
    Katie3784 Posts: 543
    Guys check out other women, period. To some extent it matters how you look, but even if you were the hottest chick on the planet, he'd still look at others. It's in their DNA, and looking does NOT make them pigs. What makes them pigs is when they do it obviously in front of you, or if they cheat. Try and be more confident, because that is way sexier to a man than insecurity.
  • shamr0ck
    shamr0ck Posts: 296 Member
    You can't fight biology. Men are hard-wired to look at attractive women. You could be the absolute ideal woman for him (and who's to say you aren't already?) and he is still going to look at other women.

    Just because he looks at a "hot" woman, or porn, or a sex scene, does not mean that he is a pig, or that he is sleeping with other women whenever he gets a chance, or that he even wants to. Sure, he may fantasize - again, completely normal.

    I'd suggest counseling to figure out why you have such a strong reaction to this sort of stimuli, because nothing you do to your body is going to make your feelings change.
  • Usbornegal
    Usbornegal Posts: 601 Member
    Sounds like your reaction does not fit the situation (you said he is a good guy). Perhaps you have been burned in the past by someone else and are having trust issues that come from inside you and not from him. Working with a therapist might help you put this into perspective. Good luck.
  • atiena23
    atiena23 Posts: 17
    I just want to say that if your man hasnt showed you any reasons not to trust him then stop trippin. Ur going to let your jelousy ruin a good thing... just cuz u think all men want skinny girl or certain typoe of girl ur man wants u how ever big u are. stop trippin and just be grateful that u have a good man
  • dlyeates
    dlyeates Posts: 875 Member
    I think it's pretty normal to worry about what your fiance may think or do because of what you've experienced in the past. But, like others have said, he chose you!!! The is a level of trust that has to be present for the relationship to work.

    I have my jealousy issues and insecurities too but I know how to manage them and they are getting fewer and farther between. Losing weight may help your confidence but won't make the jealousy go away.

    Since it sounds like it is causing a lot of problems in your relationship I would HIGHLY encourage you to seek counseling for yourself so that you can figure out why you are obsessing over these feelings and maybe where they come from so that you can work on you!!! A relationship needs trust, both ways, and since it's affecting your relationship you should get help so that it doesn't affect your marriage!!
  • Vegan_Runner
    Vegan_Runner Posts: 133 Member
    You need counseling. Until you address your self esteem issues you will never be comfortable and you will end up driving him away. Something in your life made you feel less than you are and until you address it you will always blame men. They are not pigs, they are people. Some cheat and treat women badly just like some women cheat and treat men badly.
  • poncho33
    poncho33 Posts: 1,511
    This is an easy fix, buy him a golf membership or a muscle car or something that will become his new obsession... then you need only be jealous of his golfing or whatever.
  • Marper8521
    Marper8521 Posts: 158 Member
    You really need to seek some professional help, if you think you wnat to keep him and some day marry!
  • reach53
    reach53 Posts: 46 Member
    Your value as a human being does not depend on weight, nor does your fiancee love you more or less with some pound up or down.

    The one thing that really helped me was realizing that if my husband would want to cheat on me, there is nothing I could do about it. So I trust him because I choose to trust him. I also realized that his fidelity is not in my power - and if I can't control it, there is no need to worry about it. Not sure this makes any sense to you. But it did help me.
  • Abrowe313
    Abrowe313 Posts: 189 Member
    to be brutally honest it doensnt sound like you are mature enough to be in a relationship. how can he help it if you think the women at his job or on tv are too hot for him to see? JEALOUSY WILL MAKE HIM LEAVE YOU!!! until you fix what is going on with you , you will destroy any relationship you are in with your jealousy. if you really love your fiance get yourself some counselling and find out why your so jealous, or i guarantee you he will get sick of always being acused of stuff and leave you. good luck
  • braves20111
    braves20111 Posts: 48 Member
    This is an easy fix, buy him a golf membership or a muscle car or something that will become his new obsession... then you need only be jealous of his golfing or whatever.

    This may be the dumbest post I have ever seen. obviously you dont know men. We have, do, and always will think about sex and women. give us a car we will think about them while driving it. get us a golf membership and we will think about it there. Just because we think about , well lets just say alot it doesnt mean we act on it. I would work on the jealousy thing but dont worry most women are jealous and will always be jealous and many of them are happily married.
  • xosmsox
    xosmsox Posts: 119
    Men are men and they're going to look. After all, who doesn't appreciate a nice form? Any woman who thinks for a minute that her man isn't looking or noticing other females is delusional! How do you think he noticed you? Sheesh!

    I had jealousy issues in the past, but find that as I've gotten older, more comfortable in my own skin and become more confident, that is no longer an issue. I know who I am and what I have to offer. My husband notices other women and sometimes I even point them out to him. I know he loves me and he's damned lucky to have me, but that doesn't mean he's oblivious to other women.

    I agree with others who say you need to take control of this problem and deal with it before it ruins your relationship.
    beautifully said

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