how without upsetting her do i...

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  • IDCY843
    IDCY843 Posts: 78 Member
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    bingo....love this answer
  • cloud2011
    cloud2011 Posts: 898 Member
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    I'd say the best way is to go slowwww. Before you spark the convo, maybe ask her to go on a few active dates- kayaking, biking, dancing at a club- whatever suits your lives. Also, cook! Cook some healthy stuff, go to a farmers market and enjoying making a fresh meal. Tell her YOUR excited about it, and see what, if anything, sparks her interest.

    If you start by saying 'you don't blah blah' or 'you're not blah blah' she's likely going to feel attacked any time you bring up eating healthier, exercising etc. She may end up resenting your comments and protesting the whole thing. Make it about things you want to do with her, and maybe she's hit the ground running and pick up activities and healthier eating solo too!

    Good luck!
    This is the only correct answer.

    What they said!
  • darlilama
    darlilama Posts: 794 Member
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    You don't say anything..you do. Cook her a healthy meal, if you eat out choose places with healthier dishes. Plan dates for healthier activities..maybe ones that push her just a tiny bit and maybe get the gym thing to be her idea. Just include her in your new, healthier lifestyle.

    Love this. Hope it works. It's SO hard for us ladies to come to grips with the fact that our men are so "visual". It's a cold, hard truth unfortunately. I know my husband loves me emotionally no matter what, but I also know there is a difference in his physical attraction when I'm more fit. Honestly, I'M also different physically, as well as emotionally, when I'm fit.
  • caddygarcia123
    caddygarcia123 Posts: 122 Member
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    Ask her to go on long romantic walks with you like every day....... just make sure you walk faster than her so she has to keep up! lol

    * mention nothing about weight*
  • silversong24
    silversong24 Posts: 409 Member
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    You don't say anything..you do. Cook her a healthy meal, if you eat out choose places with healthier dishes. Plan dates for healthier activities..maybe ones that push her just a tiny bit and maybe get the gym thing to be her idea. Just include her in your new, healthier lifestyle.

    This.... I got so upset when my hunny offered to buy me workout stuff (also didn't help that I was super hormonal and subconsciously self-hating at the time). A better choice would have been an offer to join him in activities, for example a scenario where we each get to pick activities that we like and then go and do stuff together. I would have felt more like he wanted to spend time with me rather than was disgusted by the weight I gained from baby #3. I don't know why, and it certainly isn't rational, but hearing it from a doctor is so much easier than hearing it from someone that you are romantically involved with. Anyways.... take the romantic route LOL :flowerforyou:
  • AABru
    AABru Posts: 610 Member
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    My husband brought this up after my second child. He is not well known for his subtlety or compassion...I cried...and then we made a plan together. (we had been married for 11 years at that point). It did help when he broke down and told me that he wanted me around for a long time--even if I was mad at him for bringing it up all the rest of the time. We have made a lot of changes together...and I am seeing results.
    His other comment to me was "You are successful at everyting you do, except weightloss...why is it an issue for you?" I knew then it was time to figure out why I was eating in private and avioding exercise...
  • ChinaLexie
    ChinaLexie Posts: 37 Member
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    You find a new girlfriend. You can't make someone like the same things you like and do the same things you do. Love her for who she is or find someone new.
    I'm a vegetarian and my husband isn't. I've never tried to push my eating habits on him. I love him for who he is.


    Seriously? If my boyfriend or husband was NOT eating healthy and was leading a sedentary lifestyle, the last thing I would do is accept that (as he shouldn't with me). I mean, he could DIE from these bad habits and I'm supposed to just put on a smiley face and accept that? Relationships are about making each other better. This means in every way (physical health included). I would hardly give the advice "find another girlfriend." I agree there needs to be some acceptance of differences (as well all have varying personalities), but this man and woman haven't even started dealing with the issue at hand. I say he should suggest healthier activities, cooking, and being REALLY supportive. If she is in denial or refuses to make changes and he cannot accept her for this, then he should re-evaluate their relationship. But breaking up over an issue that has not even been talked about seems absolutely mindless. People should fight a bit harder for relationships. You critique the "young generation" for the lack of punctuation, but I guess I can also critique your stance on relationships.

    Acceptance does not always mean love. It can also mean indifference toward a problem.
  • kurenaikumo
    kurenaikumo Posts: 271 Member
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    Get in the boat and grab an oar. No one is harder on me than myself, so, like another girl said, I knew it was time to eat better. That said, the Ole Man here openly said yesterday "I'm 41 years old, I don't care how I look". He's constantly bringing beer, cookies, and other misc. fattening crap into the house while I'm sitting here eating reduced fat, low fat, cutting calories and getting exercise. It's extremely frustrating... I've directly said on several occasions that he's asking for obesity/heart disease/diabetes in the next 10 years when he retires from his more physically based job into a desk position... We've got to change our habits NOW!
  • dpwellman
    dpwellman Posts: 3,271 Member
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    You can have a conversation kneecap to kneecap eyeball to eyeball or not. Ultimately OP not responsible for her actions. . . trying to force someone to "change or else" is coercive and therefore abusive / violent.
  • FlyeredUp
    FlyeredUp Posts: 663 Member
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    I'm glad you posted this. I'm trying to do the same for my husband but nothing motivates him. All he wants to do is sit around watch sports, drink beer, and eat junk. Ugh!
    Whats the probelm?? Oh forgot, that was the old me...
  • FlyeredUp
    FlyeredUp Posts: 663 Member
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    How with out a heated argument; one that you can not win do I tell my girl she ain't as fit as she use to me and has put on a little weight and want her to come to the gym with me so she becomes more healthier also she eats junk how to make her eat better its a tough conversation to have of course ill love her no matter just want her to love fittness as much as me plus if she's healthier she will have a better life so if u was me how would u go bout it?and have you ever had the convention with your partner to get fitter aha

    I know I digress. But really how did you about completing a whole para without a single punctuation. No dots or commas. :frown: Ehmm 'impressive'.
    I didnt know this was MyGrammerPal.com
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,680 Member
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    Show a before picture and comment on how she still looks the same. She'll say "that's BS, I'm overweight". Then you chime in a say, "If you feel that way, we would make it a goal together to lose some weight."

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • Lolli1986
    Lolli1986 Posts: 500 Member
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    also, my first boyfriend was a really active, healthy guy and successfully further encouraged these traits in me. i do have an active predisposition, but he encouraged me to give running a chance, to try some weight training (it was so nice to hear this from a guy!)

    interestingly, he was also really upfront right from the start about wanting to date women who look after themselves really well because that is the sort of lifestyle he lived.

    i'm actually even still friends with this guy, haha.
  • Lolli1986
    Lolli1986 Posts: 500 Member
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    You can have a conversation kneecap to kneecap eyeball to eyeball or not. Ultimately OP not responsible for her actions. . . trying to force someone to "change or else" is coercive and therefore abusive / violent.

    the trouble with having a conversation about it is how not to say things that are coercive/manipulative. 'being honest' does not forgo manipulation, because it so frequently comes from a selfish place.
  • dpwellman
    dpwellman Posts: 3,271 Member
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    the trouble with having a conversation about it is how not to say things that are coercive/manipulative. 'being honest' does not forgo manipulation, because it so frequently comes from a selfish place.
    Well, that's where listening comes in. . .

    I don't exactly. . disagree. I'd like to expand, if I may on "selfishness". Self interest, in the end, is all anyone has. Ideally, partners' self interests would NOT be mutually exclusive; otherwise, there'd be never ending conflict with no chance or reaching a win-win resolution.

    What I mean is, as long as my (correct and good) intentions precede my words, I'll likely not have to worry about making coercive or manipulative statements.

    Honesty in this case, or at least the case as I see it, is moot. For example, I can be honest and hurtful; likewise, dishonest and benign.
  • Lissakaye81
    Lissakaye81 Posts: 224 Member
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    I guess we need more info. Is she sensitive/defensive on the subject? How does she feel about her fitness and her body image. Does she know that she has has put on weight, it can creep up on you. Have you tried to go out for walks or invite her to the gym, or are you scared an invitation will be an insinuation to her about her weight? Is she interested in eating healthy at all, or does she eat junk food out of convenience, or taste. I would start watching some food documentaries on netflix, that helped me change a lot of my eating habits. Cook her some healthy stuff see how she likes it. My boyfriend had been really supportive of me, he wants to get in shape to but has a bad back so it is harder for him. He bought me a treadmill for my birthday last year, and a fitbit for my birthday this year. Most women would be offended, but they were what I really wanted. I didn't get real serious about loosing thill Feb this year, it can take a little bit to get into it too.
  • hanniejong
    hanniejong Posts: 556 Member
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    You don't say anything..you do. Cook her a healthy meal, if you eat out choose places with healthier dishes. Plan dates for healthier activities..maybe ones that push her just a tiny bit and maybe get the gym thing to be her idea. Just include her in your new, healthier lifestyle.

    I agree with this!!
  • robot_potato
    robot_potato Posts: 1,535 Member
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    Definitely do NOT under any circumstances mention her weight. Ever.

    This.
  • pearsy67
    pearsy67 Posts: 104 Member
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    Bah, you are all chicken. Honesty works.

    Slap her on the *kitten* and tell her that it is a lot more comfortable than it use to be and maybe she should go to the gym with you.:laugh:

    It worked when my wife did it to me, why not fair turn around. You women are so sensitive. :sad: :sad:
    Mind you, we have been together longer than you have been alive, so we need to turn the key once in a while to keep the spring wound ROFL.

    Good luck, 'cause you are going to need it. ROFL
  • ania0307
    ania0307 Posts: 49
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    For god's sake just tell her "honey i think you put some weight on " if she gives you hell then it's her who's got a problem with acceptance. Really if my husband told me i put weight on I'd be happy he noticed before i turned into a hippo :)
    come on be a man and just tell her the way it is
    and about junk food? just try to educate her, show her a few films about what she's actually eating - if it doesn't work well never mind you tried, can't win them all :)

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