advice needed baddddd
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deniseearheart
Posts: 919 Member
Not about weight loss : My fiance's 19 year old son lives with us , wont work, wont go to school , stays up all night smoking pot , sleeps all day and either sits on his butt playing video games or hanging out with loser friends.. My fiance works up to 80 hours a week and is NEVER here to deal with anything that goes on.. I can't take much more of this .. I feel like my blood pressure is probably through the roof right now... He had one task to do this week which is help me and the other 2 boys set up the pool , his friends show up I tell him he needs to finish helping me and the kid tells me to F off and leaves anyway... Okay I have a 14 year old son who gives me a hard time often but he is 14 not 19 ... I could handle the kid swearing at me and leaving but the part that gets me is I called my guy to tall him what happened and this is what he says " Now you know how I feel when your son gives us a hard time (he is 14) then starts yelling at me saying fine I will turn around and come home and blow off my over time day to hunt my son down and go off on him..." How do you deal with something like this??? I am soooo frustrated
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Replies
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It is his son. Sounds like your fiance needs to at least take some responsibility for the actions. Your needs also need to be accounted for in this. Maybe your fiance is just very tired. Does he ever witness the behavior that happens in the household? Or does his son act completely different towards him when he's there? However, the son is technically an adult now. 19 years old makes him very accountable for his own actions and he needs to realize that if he hasn't realized it already. Does he feel somewhat hostile towards having you as part of his new family?0
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No we have been together 3 1/2 years and their mother was never there in the kids lives.. they had another step mother before i was in the picture.. My son can give us a hard time.. I am not denying that but he is 14 after all not 19 . Honestly his 19 year old should not even be living with us anymore. We can't push him to do anything and his dad is a work a holic who is never here to deal with it so in some manor I feel it is unfair to me...0
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I don't want to have to leave my relationship because of kids... I just don't want to deal with this anymore0
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My kids know what will happen if they don't go to college. I will help them get an apartment, pay first and last months rent, and give them a boat load of furniture. Sound harsh? Well, they know I love and adore them both so much so, that I would want them to learn what goes on in the real world. But that's just me.Not about weight loss : My fiance's 19 year old son lives with us , wont work, wont go to school , stays up all night smoking pot , sleeps all day and either sits on his butt playing video games or hanging out with loser friends.. My fiance works up to 80 hours a week and is NEVER here to deal with anything that goes on.. I can't take much more of this .. I feel like my blood pressure is probably through the roof right now... He had one task to do this week which is help me and the other 2 boys set up the pool , his friends show up I tell him he needs to finish helping me and the kid tells me to F off and leaves anyway... Okay I have a 14 year old son who gives me a hard time often but he is 14 not 19 ... I could handle the kid swearing at me and leaving but the part that gets me is I called my guy to tall him what happened and this is what he says " Now you know how I feel when your son gives us a hard time (he is 14) then starts yelling at me saying fine I will turn around and come home and blow off my over time day to hunt my son down and go off on him..." How do you deal with something like this??? I am soooo frustrated0 -
My kids know what will happen if they don't go to college. I will help them get an apartment, pay first and last months rent, and give them a boat load of furniture. Sound harsh? Well, they know I love and adore them both so much so, that I would want them to learn what goes on in the real world. But that's just me.Not about weight loss : My fiance's 19 year old son lives with us , wont work, wont go to school , stays up all night smoking pot , sleeps all day and either sits on his butt playing video games or hanging out with loser friends.. My fiance works up to 80 hours a week and is NEVER here to deal with anything that goes on.. I can't take much more of this .. I feel like my blood pressure is probably through the roof right now... He had one task to do this week which is help me and the other 2 boys set up the pool , his friends show up I tell him he needs to finish helping me and the kid tells me to F off and leaves anyway... Okay I have a 14 year old son who gives me a hard time often but he is 14 not 19 ... I could handle the kid swearing at me and leaving but the part that gets me is I called my guy to tall him what happened and this is what he says " Now you know how I feel when your son gives us a hard time (he is 14) then starts yelling at me saying fine I will turn around and come home and blow off my over time day to hunt my son down and go off on him..." How do you deal with something like this??? I am soooo frustrated
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great idea except he will come crawling back when he doesn't get a job and can't pay rent and my guy will have that talk he has once in a while of " Bryon you need to go to school or get a job or anything just do something" and then it is not talked about again for another 6 months...0 -
As someone who has been both on the receiving and giving end of this situation, I understand how you feel. At 18, I was still in school but extremely lazy. I lived at home until I was 23 and even though I did help around the house, I know it was a battle with my mother. I never cursed at her or anything but I would take my sweet ole time doing anything. Then when I was 21, my fiancee moved into my mother's house with us for a few months after being thrown out of his apartment. He was worse then I was!! He never picked up after himself, stayed up til the wee hours of the morning, did nothing but play video games, and was just completely lazy. I ended up kicking him out and leaving him because of this. After awhile, I moved out on my own and got my own house with the boyfriend I am now with. This is when I realized why my mom had been nagging me to get up and do something for so many years...I was wasting my life and she knew it. I just didn't see it. That said...I think what you need to do is really talk to his father and then him about the sitution. If he wants to contunie to live in your house then he either has to start helping around the house (when you ask, not when he feels like it) or pay rent. I hate to say this but he is never going to appericate what he has at home until he is out on his own and has to earn everything he has. Your husband is wrong for yelling at you about it though. He needs to understand that you are dealing with all this alone and you are doing the best you can do. I would say to him this "I can't take care of a grown adult who doesn't respect me or my house. If your son wishes to contunie to live here then he needs to help or pay rent. And if you're not going to stand behind me on this, then I think it is time you tell your ADULT son that it is time to move out and join the real world because the stress of him being here is too much for me." Make it clear that you are not saying "me or him" but rather that you need a solution to the problem or else the problem needs to be removed. Don't yell at him about it, don't raise your voice...just talk calmly. Even if he starts to yell, talk calmly and even toned. Say "I don't know why you are yelling. I am trying to have a converision with you...not an agruement. I want to discuss this as a family and fix it as a family." It may even be recommended that everyone in the family have a family meeting and discuss the issues that are happening in the household. Maybe he is acting this way because he feels like his dad has abandoned him and the only way to get any attention is to act out. Maybe he needs to see a professional about dealing with his addictions to pot and video games. If the pot and games are affecting his work habits and his social habits, then he has an addiction problem and it is far more common then you think. It takes alot of time to break such a problem too and if he is truly wanting to change it, support him. Perhaps that may be what you need to do....offer to have him see a therapist and get over these unhealthy habits or move out. But he needs to respect you, even if you're just his stepmother. You are still an adult and adults do not treat each other like that. Also, please try to remember that he is also an adult. When I was 18, I felt like my parents still treated me like they did when I was 16 and I resented it. Explain the difference between having a curfew and being a responsible adult...if you're going to come home late, you call and tell people so they don't worry if you're ok or not. Things like that. As long as you handle it like you are talking to another adult, and have logically reasons WHY you want something done a certain way, then you should be able to get through to him. And again, don't let him yell at you either. Talk in an even tone and if he starts to yell, say "why are you yelling? Why are just talking here and I need you to lower your voice." Even if he storms out of the room mad, let him for a little while. Revisit the subject in a few hours after he has had time to calm down. You will find that this works well for dealing with big issues like this. Atleast in my experience. And I don't know if this would help or not since I don't know how active your son is but try and include him in fun, healthy activities like bike riding. Doing exercise makes you feel better and I think if he got more active he wouldn't want to stay home and play video games all the time. He would be more apt to go out and do something active with his friends. Hope that helps.0
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Point is, he shouldn't come back. Not unless he's enrolled. Well, that just IMO. Who's place is this? yours or your mans?
My kids know what will happen if they don't go to college. I will help them get an apartment, pay first and last months rent, and give them a boat load of furniture. Sound harsh? Well, they know I love and adore them both so much so, that I would want them to learn what goes on in the real world. But that's just me.Not about weight loss : My fiance's 19 year old son lives with us , wont work, wont go to school , stays up all night smoking pot , sleeps all day and either sits on his butt playing video games or hanging out with loser friends.. My fiance works up to 80 hours a week and is NEVER here to deal with anything that goes on.. I can't take much more of this .. I feel like my blood pressure is probably through the roof right now... He had one task to do this week which is help me and the other 2 boys set up the pool , his friends show up I tell him he needs to finish helping me and the kid tells me to F off and leaves anyway... Okay I have a 14 year old son who gives me a hard time often but he is 14 not 19 ... I could handle the kid swearing at me and leaving but the part that gets me is I called my guy to tall him what happened and this is what he says " Now you know how I feel when your son gives us a hard time (he is 14) then starts yelling at me saying fine I will turn around and come home and blow off my over time day to hunt my son down and go off on him..." How do you deal with something like this??? I am soooo frustrated
[/quo
great idea except he will come crawling back when he doesn't get a job and can't pay rent and my guy will have that talk he has once in a while of " Bryon you need to go to school or get a job or anything just do something" and then it is not talked about again for another 6 months...0 -
Sounds like both kids....the 14 and the 19 year old need a lesson in RESPECT. Doesnt matter how old they are, they shouldnt be giving you a hard time...step mom or not. Hubby to be should definately be stepping in and discipling that kid, or kicking his *kitten* out.0
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As someone who has been both on the receiving and giving end of this situation, I understand how you feel. At 18, I was still in school but extremely lazy. I lived at home until I was 23 and even though I did help around the house, I know it was a battle with my mother. I never cursed at her or anything but I would take my sweet ole time doing anything. Then when I was 21, my fiancee moved into my mother's house with us for a few months after being thrown out of his apartment. He was worse then I was!! He never picked up after himself, stayed up til the wee hours of the morning, did nothing but play video games, and was just completely lazy. I ended up kicking him out and leaving him because of this. After awhile, I moved out on my own and got my own house with the boyfriend I am now with. This is when I realized why my mom had been nagging me to get up and do something for so many years...I was wasting my life and she knew it. I just didn't see it. That said...I think what you need to do is really talk to his father and then him about the sitution. If he wants to contunie to live in your house then he either has to start helping around the house (when you ask, not when he feels like it) or pay rent. I hate to say this but he is never going to appericate what he has at home until he is out on his own and has to earn everything he has. Your husband is wrong for yelling at you about it though. He needs to understand that you are dealing with all this alone and you are doing the best you can do. I would say to him this "I can't take care of a grown adult who doesn't respect me or my house. If your son wishes to contunie to live here then he needs to help or pay rent. And if you're not going to stand behind me on this, then I think it is time you tell your ADULT son that it is time to move out and join the real world because the stress of him being here is too much for me." Make it clear that you are not saying "me or him" but rather that you need a solution to the problem or else the problem needs to be removed. Don't yell at him about it, don't raise your voice...just talk calmly. Even if he starts to yell, talk calmly and even toned. Say "I don't know why you are yelling. I am trying to have a converision with you...not an agruement. I want to discuss this as a family and fix it as a family." It may even be recommended that everyone in the family have a family meeting and discuss the issues that are happening in the household. Maybe he is acting this way because he feels like his dad has abandoned him and the only way to get any attention is to act out. Maybe he needs to see a professional about dealing with his addictions to pot and video games. If the pot and games are affecting his work habits and his social habits, then he has an addiction problem and it is far more common then you think. It takes alot of time to break such a problem too and if he is truly wanting to change it, support him. Perhaps that may be what you need to do....offer to have him see a therapist and get over these unhealthy habits or move out. But he needs to respect you, even if you're just his stepmother. You are still an adult and adults do not treat each other like that. Also, please try to remember that he is also an adult. When I was 18, I felt like my parents still treated me like they did when I was 16 and I resented it. Explain the difference between having a curfew and being a responsible adult...if you're going to come home late, you call and tell people so they don't worry if you're ok or not. Things like that. As long as you handle it like you are talking to another adult, and have logically reasons WHY you want something done a certain way, then you should be able to get through to him. And again, don't let him yell at you either. Talk in an even tone and if he starts to yell, say "why are you yelling? Why are just talking here and I need you to lower your voice." Even if he storms out of the room mad, let him for a little while. Revisit the subject in a few hours after he has had time to calm down. You will find that this works well for dealing with big issues like this. Atleast in my experience. And I don't know if this would help or not since I don't know how active your son is but try and include him in fun, healthy activities like bike riding. Doing exercise makes you feel better and I think if he got more active he wouldn't want to stay home and play video games all the time. He would be more apt to go out and do something active with his friends. Hope that helps.
some of it sounds good and some we have already tried.... but thanks :-)0 -
No we have been together 3 1/2 years and their mother was never there in the kids lives.. they had another step mother before i was in the picture.. My son can give us a hard time.. I am not denying that but he is 14 after all not 19 . Honestly his 19 year old should not even be living with us anymore. We can't push him to do anything and his dad is a work a holic who is never here to deal with it so in some manor I feel it is unfair to me...
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I feel like you're making excuses for your son, while expecting him to "deal with" his son. So what if your son is only 14? IMO, both of you need to sit down together and have a long, *serious* discussion about what's going on in your household. Obviously I don't know exactly what all goes on, but it sounds like you need to stop being defensive about your son and realize that maybe some changes need to be made with how you handle your kids, both separately and as a couple.0 -
Sounds like both kids....the 14 and the 19 year old need a lesson in RESPECT. Doesnt matter how old they are, they shouldnt be giving you a hard time...step mom or not. Hubby to be should definately be stepping in and discipling that kid, or kicking his *kitten* out.
ya the 14 year old is mine and trust me I do get on him, take things away and ground him etc.... I at least make an effort I feel he makes no effort in saying anything to the kid and that is what bothers me....0 -
My kids know what will happen if they don't go to college. I will help them get an apartment, pay first and last months rent, and give them a boat load of furniture. Sound harsh? Well, they know I love and adore them both so much so, that I would want them to learn what goes on in the real world. But that's just me.Not about weight loss : My fiance's 19 year old son lives with us , wont work, wont go to school , stays up all night smoking pot , sleeps all day and either sits on his butt playing video games or hanging out with loser friends.. My fiance works up to 80 hours a week and is NEVER here to deal with anything that goes on.. I can't take much more of this .. I feel like my blood pressure is probably through the roof right now... He had one task to do this week which is help me and the other 2 boys set up the pool , his friends show up I tell him he needs to finish helping me and the kid tells me to F off and leaves anyway... Okay I have a 14 year old son who gives me a hard time often but he is 14 not 19 ... I could handle the kid swearing at me and leaving but the part that gets me is I called my guy to tall him what happened and this is what he says " Now you know how I feel when your son gives us a hard time (he is 14) then starts yelling at me saying fine I will turn around and come home and blow off my over time day to hunt my son down and go off on him..." How do you deal with something like this??? I am soooo frustrated
[/quo
great idea except he will come crawling back when he doesn't get a job and can't pay rent and my guy will have that talk he has once in a while of " Bryon you need to go to school or get a job or anything just do something" and then it is not talked about again for another 6 months...
Don't let him come back in a month or so. No. Make it clear, you need to do this on your own. Don't bail him out everytime he falls. Trust me on this...most kids have more resources then we think. Even if he is like "But I don't have any money for food..." or "I'm going to have to live on the street" do NOT let him back in right away. Give it a month or so after he says these things and see what happens. If he does end up on the street, I will be surprised and clearly he is not mature enough to be on his own and let him move back in with the understanding of..."Since you are unable to support yourself, you are clearly not adult enough to live on your own. As such, I will let you move back in but you will be treated like a child until you prove to me otherwise. Earn your keep like a child does with their chores and be home by xyz and lay out the ground rules like you did when he was 16....and stick to them!" And if you are paying for anything...like cell phones or the internet...take it away. Do not let him use your internet if he is not contributing to the household. When he has a fit about it, tell him that unless he wants to pay for a quarter (4 people in the house, right?) of the expenses then he doesn't get to enjoy the luxuries like TV and Internet. I bet he would find a way to pay then.0 -
Sounds like both kids....the 14 and the 19 year old need a lesson in RESPECT. Doesnt matter how old they are, they shouldnt be giving you a hard time...step mom or not. Hubby to be should definately be stepping in and discipling that kid, or kicking his *kitten* out.
AGREED.
Your fiance should definitely be concerned about this if you feel it's putting a strain on the relationship.0 -
He's 19....he's an adult...throw his *kitten* out.0
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Sounds like both kids....the 14 and the 19 year old need a lesson in RESPECT. Doesnt matter how old they are, they shouldnt be giving you a hard time...step mom or not. Hubby to be should definately be stepping in and discipling that kid, or kicking his *kitten* out.
Seconded!0 -
No we have been together 3 1/2 years and their mother was never there in the kids lives.. they had another step mother before i was in the picture.. My son can give us a hard time.. I am not denying that but he is 14 after all not 19 . Honestly his 19 year old should not even be living with us anymore. We can't push him to do anything and his dad is a work a holic who is never here to deal with it so in some manor I feel it is unfair to me...
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I feel like you're making excuses for your son, while expecting him to "deal with" his son. So what if your son is only 14? IMO, both of you need to sit down together and have a long, *serious* discussion about what's going on in your household. Obviously I don't know exactly what all goes on, but it sounds like you need to stop being defensive about your son and realize that maybe some changes need to be made with how you handle your kids, both separately and as a couple.
well I do.... I ground him, take things away, take away his social life , etc.... I do make that effort and when he gives my fiance a hard time I do discipline him for it... Not trying to make excuses just simply stating that I am more understanding to the 14 year old verses the 19 year old doing it.... hardest thing for me is what can we do about it. can't ground him can't take things away he is 19. When he was 16 living in our house giving us a hard time still nothing was ever done about it... My fiance won't really do anything about it..0 -
Oh...and start disciplining your son so he'll lose his attitude and not end up like his stepbrother in a couple of years.0
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He's 19....he's an adult...throw his *kitten* out.
agreed but my fiance wont throw him out0 -
He's 19....he's an adult...throw his *kitten* out.
agreed but my fiance wont throw him out
Maybe your fiance needs to learn a little respect for his woman, too. <shrug>0 -
No we have been together 3 1/2 years and their mother was never there in the kids lives.. they had another step mother before i was in the picture.. My son can give us a hard time.. I am not denying that but he is 14 after all not 19 . Honestly his 19 year old should not even be living with us anymore. We can't push him to do anything and his dad is a work a holic who is never here to deal with it so in some manor I feel it is unfair to me...
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I feel like you're making excuses for your son, while expecting him to "deal with" his son. So what if your son is only 14? IMO, both of you need to sit down together and have a long, *serious* discussion about what's going on in your household. Obviously I don't know exactly what all goes on, but it sounds like you need to stop being defensive about your son and realize that maybe some changes need to be made with how you handle your kids, both separately and as a couple.
well I do.... I ground him, take things away, take away his social life , etc.... I do make that effort and when he gives my fiance a hard time I do discipline him for it... Not trying to make excuses just simply stating that I am more understanding to the 14 year old verses the 19 year old doing it.... hardest thing for me is what can we do about it. can't ground him can't take things away he is 19. When he was 16 living in our house giving us a hard time still nothing was ever done about it... My fiance won't really do anything about it..
Like I said...the two of you need to make time to sit and have a long, serious discussion about both your son and his. Because, obviously, your fiance has issues with how your son acts just as much as you have issues with how his son acts.
That being said, letting a 19 y/o sit around and do nothing all day is just ridiculous. I'd have to agree with the people who say to kick him out. I've seen what happens when parents just bail out their kids (especially when drugs are involved) and it's just going to get worse, not better. Sounds like some tough love is in order.0
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