advice needed baddddd

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  • deniseearheart
    deniseearheart Posts: 919 Member
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    ughhhhhhhhhhhh sorry guys had to ... thanks though :-/
  • Teapotdomescam
    Teapotdomescam Posts: 163
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    He's 19....he's an adult...throw his *kitten* out.



    agreed but my fiance wont throw him out

    Maybe your fiance needs to learn a little respect for his woman, too. <shrug>

    Exactly what I was going to say!
  • jjelizalde
    jjelizalde Posts: 377 Member
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    I've been through the same situation. My son has rules, chores and treats me with respect. My step children were violent, lazy, rude and disrespectful. Hubby made a zillion excuses for them and ultimately it became an armed camp - them against us. I finally left the relationship. I should have done it years before. Best thing I ever did! I regret now that my son had to be subjected to that, and I feel really guilty about it.
  • pg1girl
    pg1girl Posts: 268 Member
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    He's 19....he's an adult...throw his *kitten* out.



    agreed but my fiance wont throw him out

    Then tell your fiancé it is you or the 19 year old leaving! Why settle?
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    ughhhhhhhhhhhh sorry guys had to ... thanks though :-/

    I really don't know what else to tell you. The only other suggestion I would have is maybe couples/family counseling? Maybe if your fiance hears it from an "unbiased" source, something will click.
  • deniseearheart
    deniseearheart Posts: 919 Member
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    I've been through the same situation. My son has rules, chores and treats me with respect. My step children were violent, lazy, rude and disrespectful. Hubby made a zillion excuses for them and ultimately it became an armed camp - them against us. I finally left the relationship. I should have done it years before. Best thing I ever did! I regret now that my son had to be subjected to that, and I feel really guilty about it.



    glad someone can relate :-/ how long were you together???
  • deniseearheart
    deniseearheart Posts: 919 Member
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    ughhhhhhhhhhhh sorry guys had to ... thanks though :-/

    I really don't know what else to tell you. The only other suggestion I would have is maybe couples/family counseling? Maybe if your fiance hears it from an "unbiased" source, something will click.




    we actually are right now and have been since October and we love her sooo much but she never helps us get to the root of certain issues she just lets us talk things out... We talk often about the kids and our problems ... maybe family counselling but I don't know anymore
  • deniseearheart
    deniseearheart Posts: 919 Member
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    He's 19....he's an adult...throw his *kitten* out.



    agreed but my fiance wont throw him out

    Then tell your fiancé it is you or the 19 year old leaving! Why settle?



    that is a good point to
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    ughhhhhhhhhhhh sorry guys had to ... thanks though :-/

    I really don't know what else to tell you. The only other suggestion I would have is maybe couples/family counseling? Maybe if your fiance hears it from an "unbiased" source, something will click.




    we actually are right now and have been since October and we love her sooo much but she never helps us get to the root of certain issues she just lets us talk things out... We talk often about the kids and our problems ... maybe family counselling but I don't know anymore

    Has the counseling helped at all?
  • andrewinsuresal
    andrewinsuresal Posts: 70
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    He's 19....he's an adult...throw his *kitten* out.



    agreed but my fiance wont throw him out

    Then tell your fiancé it is you or the 19 year old leaving! Why settle?



    that is a good point to

    That's my point...if he doesn't respect you now, when you're living together, and his son is 19...what about when the kid is 29 and still living in your basement, smoking dope and playing the Atari? Will your then husband finally wake up and see you were right and his kid has issues? If that was my 19 year old I'd be driving him to the local recruiters office with his only choice being which branch of the military he's gonna join...but maybe that's just me.
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    He's 19....he's an adult...throw his *kitten* out.



    agreed but my fiance wont throw him out

    Then tell your fiancé it is you or the 19 year old leaving! Why settle?



    that is a good point to

    That's my point...if he doesn't respect you now, when you're living together, and his son is 19...what about when the kid is 29 and still living in your basement, smoking dope and playing the Atari? Will your then husband finally wake up and see you were right and his kid has issues? If that was my 19 year old I'd be driving him to the local recruiters office with his only choice being which branch of the military he's gonna join...but maybe that's just me.

    I actually thought about suggesting the military thing too LOL
  • jjelizalde
    jjelizalde Posts: 377 Member
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    I've been through the same situation. My son has rules, chores and treats me with respect. My step children were violent, lazy, rude and disrespectful. Hubby made a zillion excuses for them and ultimately it became an armed camp - them against us. I finally left the relationship. I should have done it years before. Best thing I ever did! I regret now that my son had to be subjected to that, and I feel really guilty about it.



    glad someone can relate :-/ how long were you together???

    I stuck it out (off and on) for ten years. That is 10 years my son and I will never get back. The frustration and tension in the home was awful. I should have left when the ex-wife dumped the first kid on us. We'd been married four months. It NEVER got better. We had been married 6 years when she dumped thee second kid. He was physically abusive to me, and later I found out he was abusive to my son too. My son didn't tell anyone out of fear. That's ten years we'll never get back and basically, that makes me a bad parent. I hope you don't make the same mistake.
  • deniseearheart
    deniseearheart Posts: 919 Member
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    ughhhhhhhhhhhh sorry guys had to ... thanks though :-/

    I really don't know what else to tell you. The only other suggestion I would have is maybe couples/family counseling? Maybe if your fiance hears it from an "unbiased" source, something will click.




    we actually are right now and have been since October and we love her sooo much but she never helps us get to the root of certain issues she just lets us talk things out... We talk often about the kids and our problems ... maybe family counselling but I don't know anymore

    Has the counseling helped at all?




    yes and no.. It's helped me come out from a very loooong depression i was in from loosing my mom a few years ago and has helped with the relationship some... Our biggest fights are bills and kids though.. I know there is more work for us to to... maybe as a family as long as we are all living together.. One can only do or take so much though
  • deniseearheart
    deniseearheart Posts: 919 Member
    Options
    I've been through the same situation. My son has rules, chores and treats me with respect. My step children were violent, lazy, rude and disrespectful. Hubby made a zillion excuses for them and ultimately it became an armed camp - them against us. I finally left the relationship. I should have done it years before. Best thing I ever did! I regret now that my son had to be subjected to that, and I feel really guilty about it.



    glad someone can relate :-/ how long were you together???

    I stuck it out (off and on) for ten years. That is 10 years my son and I will never get back. The frustration and tension in the home was awful. I should have left when the ex-wife dumped the first kid on us. We'd been married four months. It NEVER got better. We had been married 6 years when she dumped thee second kid. He was physically abusive to me, and later I found out he was abusive to my son too. My son didn't tell anyone out of fear. That's ten years we'll never get back and basically, that makes me a bad parent. I hope you don't make the same mistake.




    You know this really makes me open my eyes because my son and daughter hate my fiance even though my daughter lives with her dad ( my son and daughters father) she visits 3 times a year... She went to live with her dad mainly because my fiances son 16 at the time was picking on her a lot and she was only 10 at the time.. My fiance also has a 5 year old... and I tried to tell him that his son messing with my daughter would be like her picking on his 5 year old and he didn't agree...
  • DeepBreaths
    DeepBreaths Posts: 39
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    I don't have a step son, but I did have a lot of friends growing up who suffered from similar "motivational" issues. I'll share some real life stories that hopefully will make you laugh, but they worked!

    Best friend woke up to Christmas morning to a luggage set... packed with her clothes. She thought she was going on a trip, instead she got the we love you but you have 30 days to vacate. Now she designs websites for the PGA and several luxury brands.

    Brother graduated high school and got the get a job and stay or go to College talk. Worked for 1 year installing irrigation systems then went on to earn a lucrative sports scholarship.

    I think the bottom line is he is an adult. Easy to say obviously but a kick in the *kitten* is a step forward. Either you fall on your face, in which case you get up and keep going, or you lunge forward, eager to keep your balance.

    Most likely he will live to tell about it. Make sure you are in the relationship for all the right reasons, if that is wrong this whole thing can't be made right. Just don't beat yourself up about any of it. You might find Al Anon beyond helpful in strengthening YOU in dealing with your stepson. At least you can say you gave it a shot.

    Hang in there, other people out there really do care and are sending you tons of love!
  • deniseearheart
    deniseearheart Posts: 919 Member
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    He's 19....he's an adult...throw his *kitten* out.



    agreed but my fiance wont throw him out

    Then tell your fiancé it is you or the 19 year old leaving! Why settle?



    that is a good point to

    That's my point...if he doesn't respect you now, when you're living together, and his son is 19...what about when the kid is 29 and still living in your basement, smoking dope and playing the Atari? Will your then husband finally wake up and see you were right and his kid has issues? If that was my 19 year old I'd be driving him to the local recruiters office with his only choice being which branch of the military he's gonna join...but maybe that's just me.



    ya see he can't even do that because he has no diploma or GED and wont get them ...
  • deniseearheart
    deniseearheart Posts: 919 Member
    Options
    I don't have a step son, but I did have a lot of friends growing up who suffered from similar "motivational" issues. I'll share some real life stories that hopefully will make you laugh, but they worked!

    Best friend woke up to Christmas morning to a luggage set... packed with her clothes. She thought she was going on a trip, instead she got the we love you but you have 30 days to vacate. Now she designs websites for the PGA and several luxury brands.

    Brother graduated high school and got the get a job and stay or go to College talk. Worked for 1 year installing irrigation systems then went on to earn a lucrative sports scholarship.

    I think the bottom line is he is an adult. Easy to say obviously but a kick in the *kitten* is a step forward. Either you fall on your face, in which case you get up and keep going, or you lunge forward, eager to keep your balance.

    Most likely he will live to tell about it. Make sure you are in the relationship for all the right reasons, if that is wrong this whole thing can't be made right. Just don't beat yourself up about any of it. You might find Al Anon beyond helpful in strengthening YOU in dealing with your stepson. At least you can say you gave it a shot.

    Hang in there, other people out there really do care and are sending you tons of love!




    awwww thanks and I do like the luggage idea
  • j1wright
    j1wright Posts: 286 Member
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    Your both enablers. I would call the cops on him for smoking pot in your home. What a nice wake up call for your husband in stepson. If your stepson doesn't like it, then he can leave. If your husband doesn't like it, he can leave.

    Case solved. You did what was right. Don't be an enabler. It will tear you down.
  • deniseearheart
    deniseearheart Posts: 919 Member
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    Your both enablers. I would call the cops on him for smoking pot in your home. What a nice wake up call for your husband in stepson. If your stepson doesn't like it, then he can leave. If your husband doesn't like it, he can leave.

    Case solved. You did what was right. Don't be an enabler. It will tear you down.



    yep this is true too
  • ThePunkHippie
    ThePunkHippie Posts: 213
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    My fiance's sister is like this. She's on welfare AND disability, & still bugs her mom for money every month because she can't afford rent or groceries because of pot. Her dad caves every time, & if he tries to stand up to her, she whines & whines & whines until she gets her way (she had him borrow money from coworkers because she needed $25 for something)
    This causes HUUUUGE difficulties in relationships, as I'm sure you can imagine. We've actually held interventions for him to try to explain that as long as he keeps giving in, she'll keep pulling this, but it never works

    She's 23. & still living at home (she moved out, but got arrested for drug charges, then house arrest at her parents house)
    Do you REALLY want to deal with this for another 4+ years?
    It's not what you want to hear, but it's what you NEED to hear. Put your foot down. Tell him that if his son can't learn some respect for the people who pay his way, then he needs to get the hell out of the house.

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