advice needed baddddd

andrewinsuresal

He's 19....he's an adult...throw his *kitten* out.

agreed but my fiance wont throw him out

Then tell your fiancé it is you or the 19 year old leaving! Why settle?

that is a good point to

That's my point...if he doesn't respect you now, when you're living together, and his son is 19...what about when the kid is 29 and still living in your basement, smoking dope and playing the Atari? Will your then husband finally wake up and see you were right and his kid has issues? If that was my 19 year old I'd be driving him to the local recruiters office with his only choice being which branch of the military he's gonna join...but maybe that's just me.

ya see he can't even do that because he has no diploma or GED and wont get them ...

Ah...well, then the other poster's luggage idea may be the way to go then. It worked for me...I was about the same age, doing stupid crap...came home one night and my dad had sat the biggest suitcase we had in the entry way...said I had twenty minutes to pack as much as I could before he was calling the cops. Your fiance's problem is that he's babying the punk...and it's tough love that the kid needs...getting kicked out of the house and asking people "Do you want fries with that?" for a few months may be what it takes for him to decide he needs to get an education...and, well, if he decides he wants to be a bum, living on the streets...he has no one to blame for that but himself.

Gilbrod

Your both enablers. I would call the cops on him for smoking pot in your home. What a nice wake up call for your husband in stepson. If your stepson doesn't like it, then he can leave. If your husband doesn't like it, he can leave.

Case solved. You did what was right. Don't be an enabler. It will tear you down.

Enabler. Key words. I had a brother like that. 36 years old. Paid no rent. Drank. Had a wife and kid. Never respected my mom's home. Smelled pot, and guess who called the cops. Yup me. I did the same thing to a nephew of mine. I caught him smoking with his buddies in my sisters house. I called the cops. Guess who thanked me for the wake up call in his early years of "thuggish life." Also, if someone isn't considering your feelings, that won't change. Men won't change unless they want to change. If this has been going on for years, it won't. Sorry to say. Good luck in your struggles.

Polly758

It sounds to me like you are making this kid your problem when he isn't your problem. And your BF, dumping his kid off on you, what a prince.

Can you take your stuff and kids and leave? What's tying you there? Do you own the house together or any other debts held together?

And perhaps counseling isn't the solution... Legal mediation may help.

honeysprinkles

I don't want to have to leave my relationship because of kids... I just don't want to deal with this anymore

I think there's more issues here than just with the son. For one, you and your fiance should be on the same page and not competing about whose kid is worse. 19 and 14 are BOTH too old to be disrespecting your parents.

I'm only 19 myself, but when people complain that their kids don't work, have no respect, do drugs at home, etc. I just think HOW?!? My parents would NEVER put up with something like that... as a parent you both have a responsibility to raise your kids to respect you. Obviously since he is not your son you weren't there when he was growing up so it's not really your fault but I don't see how this could be a good situation for anyone. You think his son is disrespectful, clearly he thinks the same about yours, and you both are on two different pages when it comes to how to deal with it. I'd imagine that you, him, and the kids are unhappy in this situation. Hopefully you all can figure something out that works for everyone!

rechla

be strong. rest when you need to. stay centered on your own values. take stands when you need to but do so with gentleness and gentleness will come back at you. keep your own child close.

deniseearheart

My fiance's sister is like this. She's on welfare AND disability, & still bugs her mom for money every month because she can't afford rent or groceries because of pot. Her dad caves every time, & if he tries to stand up to her, she whines & whines & whines until she gets her way (she had him borrow money from coworkers because she needed $25 for something)
This causes HUUUUGE difficulties in relationships, as I'm sure you can imagine. We've actually held interventions for him to try to explain that as long as he keeps giving in, she'll keep pulling this, but it never works

She's 23. & still living at home (she moved out, but got arrested for drug charges, then house arrest at her parents house)
Do you REALLY want to deal with this for another 4+ years?
It's not what you want to hear, but it's what you NEED to hear. Put your foot down. Tell him that if his son can't learn some respect for the people who pay his way, then he needs to get the hell out of the house.

yes true and no i don't want to deal with this anymore...

ThePunkHippie

My fiance's sister is like this. She's on welfare AND disability, & still bugs her mom for money every month because she can't afford rent or groceries because of pot. Her dad caves every time, & if he tries to stand up to her, she whines & whines & whines until she gets her way (she had him borrow money from coworkers because she needed $25 for something)
This causes HUUUUGE difficulties in relationships, as I'm sure you can imagine. We've actually held interventions for him to try to explain that as long as he keeps giving in, she'll keep pulling this, but it never works

She's 23. & still living at home (she moved out, but got arrested for drug charges, then house arrest at her parents house)
Do you REALLY want to deal with this for another 4+ years?
It's not what you want to hear, but it's what you NEED to hear. Put your foot down. Tell him that if his son can't learn some respect for the people who pay his way, then he needs to get the hell out of the house.

yes true and no i don't want to deal with this anymore...

I don't know you, don't know any more about your situation than what you've written here, so I can't offer advice, but i will offer a suggestion

I suggest you take a long, hard look at your relationship & decide if it's worth saving. Obviously, if your fiance smartens up, then all is well & good. But if he doesn't, & his kid continues living with you, you need to decide if your fiance is worth dealing with that kid.

Remember, you're strong enough to take care of yourself. You don't need anyone else.
Good luck.

buckeye86

I didn't read through all of the comments, but I wanted to know how your fiance treats you? If those kids are using him as someone to model their behavior by and he is getting angry with you for how his son treats you.... Is he supportive and caring with you?

deniseearheart

I don't want to have to leave my relationship because of kids... I just don't want to deal with this anymore

I think there's more issues here than just with the son. For one, you and your fiance should be on the same page and not competing about whose kid is worse. 19 and 14 are BOTH too old to be disrespecting your parents.

I'm only 19 myself, but when people complain that their kids don't work, have no respect, do drugs at home, etc. I just think HOW?!? My parents would NEVER put up with something like that... as a parent you both have a responsibility to raise your kids to respect you. Obviously since he is not your son you weren't there when he was growing up so it's not really your fault but I don't see how this could be a good situation for anyone. You think his son is disrespectful, clearly he thinks the same about yours, and you both are on two different pages when it comes to how to deal with it. I'd imagine that you, him, and the kids are unhappy in this situation. Hopefully you all can figure something out that works for everyone!

Ya I worked and was married and had a baby at 19 years old myself. started working when i was 14 so I don't see how he could not be doing anything but my fiance is the one who pays all the bills I just go to school and take care of our home and him and the kids living with us... So I suppose I have no say really... I guess maybe the best option would be to not say anything anymore about it to him.

ThePunkHippie

I don't want to have to leave my relationship because of kids... I just don't want to deal with this anymore

I think there's more issues here than just with the son. For one, you and your fiance should be on the same page and not competing about whose kid is worse. 19 and 14 are BOTH too old to be disrespecting your parents.

I'm only 19 myself, but when people complain that their kids don't work, have no respect, do drugs at home, etc. I just think HOW?!? My parents would NEVER put up with something like that... as a parent you both have a responsibility to raise your kids to respect you. Obviously since he is not your son you weren't there when he was growing up so it's not really your fault but I don't see how this could be a good situation for anyone. You think his son is disrespectful, clearly he thinks the same about yours, and you both are on two different pages when it comes to how to deal with it. I'd imagine that you, him, and the kids are unhappy in this situation. Hopefully you all can figure something out that works for everyone!

Ya I worked and was married and had a baby at 19 years old myself. started working when i was 14 so I don't see how he could not be doing anything but my fiance is the one who pays all the bills I just go to school and take care of our home and him and the kids living with us... So I suppose I have no say really... I guess maybe the best option would be to not say anything anymore about it to him.

Okay, I think you should be seeing someone, just by yourself - not family, not couples, but just you, because that is NOT a healthy attitude to have.
Honestly, what you just said worries me.
You're taking care of the home, you should have a say on what goes on in it. Also, it's a relationship - if he doesn't view you as an equal, you need to do something about that YESTERDAY.

deniseearheart

I didn't read through all of the comments, but I wanted to know how your fiance treats you? If those kids are using him as someone to model their behavior by and he is getting angry with you for how his son treats you.... Is he supportive and caring with you?

he is but some things need work... He is a BIG blamer... blames me for EVERYTHING and we are trying to work on this in counselling

honestlysweet

I think that most of these responders have not had to deal with this. Those who are saying kick him out and don't let him come back, yeah right. Like he's going to be out there in the street homeless and hungry, and you are just going to do nothing while he gets deeper into drugs and crime to pay for the drugs. Yeah, great idea.

I have dealt with this on a first hand basis, so if you are going to listen to anyone, listen to me. This is my story.

My son is 25. When he was 18, my ex and I offered a college education paid for to both of our kids. I also have a daughter who is 22. Our daughter took us up on the offer and is about to graduate college, while my son said no. So he did what your son did, goof off, play video games, etc. So we made him get a job at Walmart. He spent all his money on new video games and weekends out with friends. He wasn't learning anything about life so we made him rent a room in a nearby home that was advertised in the paper. He ended up stealing from Walmart because he wasn't making enough money to pay for everything it takes to live. We told him we would have rather he told us so he wouldn't have to steal. So over a period of six months, he steals about 1200 dollars from WM and gets arrested and is fired and ordered to do community service. He breaks his probation by getting high and so he spends three months in jail. When he gets out, we all learn what a great cook he is because he enjoyed experimenting with food. So I sent him to culinary school. Flunked out so he gets a dumb job as a seafood cook at Golden Corrall. This job was in Va Beach, about three hours away. He lived with my sister who lives there. Then he loses the job and calls me and says he needs to come home..blah blah blah.

All during these years that all this is happening, we are trying to convince him to decide what he wants to do with his life. We will help him financially with school but we told him he will never make it on a minimum wage job. He hated school so he just kept bouncing from one stupid job to another.

But when he came back from Va Beach, I had had it. I simply told him that it was going to be my way or he can't come home. I made the decision as to what he will do. I told him he MUST go to the beauty school near my work and get his cosmetology license and I will give him a job, maybe. (I own a hair salon) If not, he can go to work at hair cuttery or something, but at least he would have a skill and could support himself. He hated that idea and was embarrassed to tell his friends, but he had no choice. Now, he has been in the school for five months and is consistently getting 100's on all his practical and written test. He enjoys it and learns fast and will one day be a great hairstylist.

Sometimes when their back is against the wall, and they have tried everything and failed time and again, you have to make the decisions for them.

I suggest you do NOT kick him out. That's just silly. But I would make him decide what to do with his life or he must get out. My son got a full grant for his school because he doesn't have a job. There is a lot of financial aid out there so money should not be an issue. Just make him go to any tech school he wants, auto mechanics, HVAC, or culinary school They even have schools for video game making.

I hope it all works out.

Oh, and I also have found that treating your kids with love and respect from and early age will keep them from calling you names and being disrespectful. My son has always been pretty lazy until now, but he doesn't call me names or scream at me. Neither did my daughter. You must live by example.

deniseearheart

I don't want to have to leave my relationship because of kids... I just don't want to deal with this anymore

I think there's more issues here than just with the son. For one, you and your fiance should be on the same page and not competing about whose kid is worse. 19 and 14 are BOTH too old to be disrespecting your parents.

I'm only 19 myself, but when people complain that their kids don't work, have no respect, do drugs at home, etc. I just think HOW?!? My parents would NEVER put up with something like that... as a parent you both have a responsibility to raise your kids to respect you. Obviously since he is not your son you weren't there when he was growing up so it's not really your fault but I don't see how this could be a good situation for anyone. You think his son is disrespectful, clearly he thinks the same about yours, and you both are on two different pages when it comes to how to deal with it. I'd imagine that you, him, and the kids are unhappy in this situation. Hopefully you all can figure something out that works for everyone!

Ya I worked and was married and had a baby at 19 years old myself. started working when i was 14 so I don't see how he could not be doing anything but my fiance is the one who pays all the bills I just go to school and take care of our home and him and the kids living with us... So I suppose I have no say really... I guess maybe the best option would be to not say anything anymore about it to him.

Okay, I think you should be seeing someone, just by yourself - not family, not couples, but just you, because that is NOT a healthy attitude to have.
Honestly, what you just said worries me.
You're taking care of the home, you should have a say on what goes on in it. Also, it's a relationship - if he doesn't view you as an equal, you need to do something about that YESTERDAY.

I did see someone on my own but I quit and am quite happy with my counselor now... we do have issues we are trying to work through though

iwantahealthierme13

My fiance's sister is like this. She's on welfare AND disability, & still bugs her mom for money every month because she can't afford rent or groceries

I'm on disability, we don't get much, granted she shouldn't be smoking pot, but is it medicinal? I get just over $1100: rent and groceries are expensive!

----

To the OP: wow, you had a child really young if you are really 33 (looked at your profile)... deal with your responsibilities of the 14 year old, you don't need the added stress of the 19 year old or a fiance who won't parent properly.

I was with a man with 2 children (11 and 15) and had to leave him because it was too stressful, granted I was only 26 with no children but really don't put up with that crap!

Cold_Steel

Lol my dad had a conversation with me the day I graduated high school. Get a job and go to school or go to school full time and get out of the house for at least 6-8 hours a day with said school or job and pay rent.

So, I basically told him to f off and I left. I was offended by it but I just moved to my aunts house. Within a week I enrolled in college and started working full time at a restaurant. I would have done the same if my dad had not told me on the DAY I graduated high school.

But, guess what. It pissed me off and motivated me.

Sounds like this kid, like most has no motivation.

You are not a babysitter. Especially to any one 18 or over.

Screw the counseling, screw the heart to heart crap. Demand a monthly rent and DEMAND that POT does not go inside the house, unless of course you do that too then don't complain otherwise.

It is really simple, demand rent or let him live on the streets. Sink or swim, will be a failure today if you coddle him and will be a failure 10 years from now if you coddle him.

deniseearheart

I think that most of these responders have not had to deal with this. Those who are saying kick him out and don't let him come back, yeah right. Like he's going to be out there in the street homeless and hungry, and you are just going to do nothing while he gets deeper into drugs and crime to pay for the drugs. Yeah, great idea.

I have dealt with this on a first hand basis, so if you are going to listen to anyone, listen to me. This is my story.

My son is 25. When he was 18, my ex and I offered a college education paid for to both of our kids. I also have a daughter who is 22. Our daughter took us up on the offer and is about to graduate college, while my son said no. So he did what your son did, goof off, play video games, etc. So we made him get a job at Walmart. He spent all his money on new video games and weekends out with friends. He wasn't learning anything about life so we made him rent a room in a nearby home that was advertised in the paper. He ended up stealing from Walmart because he wasn't making enough money to pay for everything it takes to live. We told him we would have rather he told us so he wouldn't have to steal. So over a period of six months, he steals about 1200 dollars from WM and gets arrested and is fired and ordered to do community service. He breaks his probation by getting high and so he spends three months in jail. When he gets out, we all learn what a great cook he is because he enjoyed experimenting with food. So I sent him to culinary school. Flunked out so he gets a dumb job as a seafood cook at Golden Corrall. This job was in Va Beach, about three hours away. He lived with my sister who lives there. Then he loses the job and calls me and says he needs to come home..blah blah blah.

All during these years that all this is happening, we are trying to convince him to decide what he wants to do with his life. We will help him financially with school but we told him he will never make it on a minimum wage job. He hated school so he just kept bouncing from one stupid job to another.

But when he came back from Va Beach, I had had it. I simply told him that it was going to be my way or he can't come home. I made the decision as to what he will do. I told him he MUST go to the beauty school near my work and get his cosmetology license and I will give him a job, maybe. (I own a hair salon) If not, he can go to work at hair cuttery or something, but at least he would have a skill and could support himself. He hated that idea and was embarrassed to tell his friends, but he had no choice. Now, he has been in the school for five months and is consistently getting 100's on all his practical and written test. He enjoys it and learns fast and will one day be a great hairstylist.

Sometimes when their back is against the wall, and they have tried everything and failed time and again, you have to make the decisions for them.

I suggest you do NOT kick him out. That's just silly. But I would make him decide what to do with his life or he must get out. My son got a full grant for his school because he doesn't have a job. There is a lot of financial aid out there so money should not be an issue. Just make him go to any tech school he wants, auto mechanics, HVAC, or culinary school They even have schools for video game making.

I hope it all works out.

Oh, and I also have found that treating your kids with love and respect from and early age will keep them from calling you names and being disrespectful. My son has always been pretty lazy until now, but he doesn't call me names or scream at me. Neither did my daughter. You must live by example.

well I liked your story and great ideas... I will pass on to my fiance

zacksnana

I would not marry him till the 19 year old grows up. May never happen and you will tell us about the deadbeat 40 year old your husband wont kick out

If it were me? I would move out or have them move out. Let the fiance deal with his son alone and see if he gets where you are coming from. Also they should be gone so your 14 year old does not end up talking to you that way. Third if my fiance didnt kick his son out for telling me to f off he would no longer be my fiance! This is what you will deal with for YEARS AND YEARS!

ThePunkHippie

My fiance's sister is like this. She's on welfare AND disability, & still bugs her mom for money every month because she can't afford rent or groceries

I'm on disability, we don't get much, granted she shouldn't be smoking pot, but is it medicinal? I get just over $1100: rent and groceries are expensive!

----

To the OP: wow, you had a child really young if you are really 33 (looked at your profile)... deal with your responsibilities of the 14 year old, you don't need the added stress of the 19 year old or a fiance who won't parent properly.

I was with a man with 2 children (11 and 15) and had to leave him because it was too stressful, granted I was only 26 with no children but really don't put up with that crap!

she gets over $900, but she doesn't pay the rent she claims she pays her parents
My fiance is making minimum wage on not-quite-full-time hours, & I'm a freelance artist. Between us, we bring in around $1500/month & we manage just fine on that, but we don't have a big screen TV, or a PS3, XBox, state of the art brand new computer, or tattoos all over our bodies (all of which she has bought with her welfare money instead of food)
We spend maybe $200/month on food for 2 people (although my fiance eats like 2 himself...), a cat, & 2 rats. Oh, & our rent is $800

& the pot isn't medicinal in the least.

deniseearheart

Lol my dad had a conversation with me the day I graduated high school. Get a job and go to school or go to school full time and get out of the house for at least 6-8 hours a day with said school or job and pay rent.

So, I basically told him to f off and I left. I was offended by it but I just moved to my aunts house. Within a week I enrolled in college and started working full time at a restaurant. I would have done the same if my dad had not told me on the DAY I graduated high school.

But, guess what. It pissed me off and motivated me.

Sounds like this kid, like most has no motivation.

You are not a babysitter. Especially to any one 18 or over.

Screw the counseling, screw the heart to heart crap. Demand a monthly rent and DEMAND that POT does not go inside the house, unless of course you do that too then don't complain otherwise.

It is really simple, demand rent or let him live on the streets. Sink or swim, will be a failure today if you coddle him and will be a failure 10 years from now if you coddle him.

Noooo I don't smoke it myself lol although after today .....

honeysprinkles

I don't want to have to leave my relationship because of kids... I just don't want to deal with this anymore

I think there's more issues here than just with the son. For one, you and your fiance should be on the same page and not competing about whose kid is worse. 19 and 14 are BOTH too old to be disrespecting your parents.

I'm only 19 myself, but when people complain that their kids don't work, have no respect, do drugs at home, etc. I just think HOW?!? My parents would NEVER put up with something like that... as a parent you both have a responsibility to raise your kids to respect you. Obviously since he is not your son you weren't there when he was growing up so it's not really your fault but I don't see how this could be a good situation for anyone. You think his son is disrespectful, clearly he thinks the same about yours, and you both are on two different pages when it comes to how to deal with it. I'd imagine that you, him, and the kids are unhappy in this situation. Hopefully you all can figure something out that works for everyone!

Ya I worked and was married and had a baby at 19 years old myself. started working when i was 14 so I don't see how he could not be doing anything but my fiance is the one who pays all the bills I just go to school and take care of our home and him and the kids living with us... So I suppose I have no say really... I guess maybe the best option would be to not say anything anymore about it to him.

No way! you definitely have a say. It's your home and your life too. Like others have said, it seems that there are more issues in the relationship then disagreements on parenting.