Who initiates in your house??

Options
1…1718202223…27

Replies

  • BriskisGrl
    BriskisGrl Posts: 461
    Options
    I would say it's 50/50... now if we were talking about a particular time during the day one more than the other..
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    Options
    Ok--I have been married for 16 years and my husband threatened to leave me the other day because he is tired of always being the one to intiate sex. I rarely say no when he intiates--but I only am the aggressor maybe once ever couple of months.He said that he doesn't feel wanted.

    I'm really trying to work on it but I can go quite awhile before I even think about it. I love my husband very much but we have alot of stress and it tends the be less on my priority list then his. But like I said--I don't hardly ever tell him no and we are together probably 4 or 5 times a week. What is the norm in your relationship?
    After 16 years he is going to leave you over something as petty as that?
    Obviously there are other problems.
    Especially if you rarely turn him down.
    But, to answer your question, my wife is usually the one who initiates.

    Its not petty, to want to feel desired.
    Ka-ching.

    There have been times I have felt like dog-dirt for that very reason. When you commit yourself so entirely to one person, the validation of their desire is incredibly important.
  • beccci91
    beccci91 Posts: 214
    Options
    usually the boyfriend that initiates sex but quite often i say no, my sex drive is tiny..we usually have sex two every 2 to 2 1/2 weeks
  • neelia
    neelia Posts: 750 Member
    Options
    Last year when I lost a bunch of weight...I initiated, mostly.

    Now that I'm a fatty again...he initiates.
  • BlueInkDot
    BlueInkDot Posts: 702 Member
    Options
    This becoming a problem for me recently too.

    My fiance is not interested in sex at ALL. He hasn't been interested for MONTHS now. No matter how much I try to initiate, he keeps turning me down. I'm getting really fed up with it and I don't know what to do.

    I feel undesired and it makes me really hate everything about my body. I feel gross and unattractive and sad. He says it has nothing to do with me - he's just been depressed - but he could say that billions of times, but I will still associate his lack of desire for sexual contact to equal a lack of desire of ME.

    Any advice? :/
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    Options
    This becoming a problem for me recently too.

    My fiance is not interested in sex at ALL. He hasn't been interested for MONTHS now. No matter how much I try to initiate, he keeps turning me down. I'm getting really fed up with it and I don't know what to do.

    I feel undesired and it makes me really hate everything about my body. I feel gross and unattractive and sad. He says it has nothing to do with me - he's just been depressed - but he could say that billions of times, but I will still associate his lack of desire for sexual contact to equal a lack of desire of ME.

    Any advice? :/
    Yeah, work out what's causing his depression and fix it.

    In the meantime, blue pills and a Screaming O. (Don't google that at work.)
  • sel254
    sel254 Posts: 273 Member
    Options
    He has mentioned lingerie several times. I always feel so stupid and that I have no business wearing it cause I don't look like a VS model but maybe I should just go for it.

    From someone who used to feel the same way, if he's mentioned it, he wants you in it! I started with stockings and a corset that pushed my boobs right up near my chin and when I saw the reaction, all my inhibitions melted and I found myself shopping for more and more sexy underwear AND initiating it more too! ;)
  • ImSoPerfectlyFlawed
    ImSoPerfectlyFlawed Posts: 127 Member
    Options
    My hand.

    Lmao! Love it!
  • plantgrrl
    plantgrrl Posts: 436 Member
    Options
    I'm the initiator about 65-80% of the time, depending on how my husband is feeling. He's got some health issues...

    Sometimes, when I'm feeling pretty low (in general) his refusal hurts my feelings. I feel like once you get married people forget how to make out. You husband probably just wants to feel wanted/desired. Psychologists have said that sex can be an essential part of the "love" process for men. So this *is* important to him.

    If you aren't thinking about it, try to make yourself think about it. Maybe a "date night" once a week. Dinner out? Get dressed up--if that's your thing. Shave your legs, make yourself feel like your sexy somehow, do something fun together like you used to do. Watch a movie and start making out on the couch like teenagers. Think about all the things you love about your husband and what's sexy about him. Are you just bored with sex? Do you not get much out of it? Maybe you need to try new things, maybe go to a sex toy/lover's package type shop with your husband, it could get you talking about what you'd like to try in bed or what you want from each other. They say 80% of women DON'T orgasm from sex alone...maybe there should be a little more 3rd base foreplay?

    Anyhow, if you and your husband love each other you'll find a way to make it work. Remember, he just wants to feel like you need him, love him and find him attractive still. I feel like us modern women tend to have issues of balance with being independent and yet making our men feel manly. The male psyche needs to feel needed and masculine. So we need to remember that even if we *CAN* do it ourselves sometimes we should let men take care of things for us, even if they don't do things quite the way we would.
  • BlueInkDot
    BlueInkDot Posts: 702 Member
    Options
    I used to be the initiator 100% of the time. But, after being rejected 100% of the time, I stopped initiating.

    My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about it. It's actually really hard for me to talk about because I start to get really teary over it. The response I get from him time and time again is that sex just isn't important to him. Honestly, I think he'd rather play a board game or hide out in his office planning his next Dungeons and Dragons encounter. He'll usually use the excuse that he's too tired but then he'll stay up for hours after I give up and go to bed.

    Even though you acquiesce to your husband's needs, I can see where he's coming from. In the beginning, my hubby would still have sex with me once in a while (not nearly what I'd come to expect from previous relationships) but at least it was something. When you're the initiator 100% of the time, even if your partner is willing, it starts to sting.

    At first, I wondered if it was me. I'd ask him all the time what I could be doing to make him desire me but he couldn't answer. I'm a very open-minded lover with a kinky streak so I tried and tried to see if maybe he was into something weird that he was ashamed to talk about. No dice.

    I started to feel cheap each time I'd ask for sex. Rejection hurt but even when we did have sex, I'd feel this overwhelming sense of shame. Like I was a bad person for "making" my own husband sleep with me. Things would feel pleasurable in the moment and then I'd feel sick and sad and confused afterward because the act was so devoid of the truly passionate, emotional and physical connection I so desperately crave.

    The longer we went between sexual encounters, the more I began to ask myself, "What's wrong with ME for needing sex so badly from someone who isn't interested???" I began to get more and more awkward when trying to initiate sex because things kept getting more and more rusty. The little sex we used to have wasn't worth phoning home about because we never got to fall into any kind of rhythm or sense of familiarity. And he could seemingly care less about getting to know what makes my body tick. He's certainly never expressed any curiosity or attempted any iota of foreplay.

    It took a long time for me to accept that my husband's lack of desire is not my fault and that there isn't anything I can do to change that. Today, the thought of having sex with him seems almost absurd. I lost my desire for him when I began to see it wasn't mutual in the way I needed it to be. I will still give his ego positive strokes now and then and try to make him feel sexy because I feel that is my obligation as his wife and because I love him. But the part of me that lusted after him for so many years has died.

    Unfortunately, that's not to say that my libido died. I feel trapped in a state of near-combustion every day. I have to be careful about who I make friends with because I'm terrified of being tempted by an affair. Particularly now that I have my body back because I'm cute and geeky in a way that makes a lot of guys crazy for me. I get depressed easily. I get moody and frustrated when I'm ovulating. I feel empty and guilty after masturbating because I wish I could turn that part of me off.

    I always loved sex and have always needed a lot of physical attention. I thought I could learn to live with out it but it's turned out to be so much harder than I expected. I've actually scheduled an appointment with a shrink next week just to try and process it more.

    omg I feel like I'm looking into a mirror o_O

    ETA: Except instead of Dungeons and Dragons it's videogames, fixing things, cooking, cleaning... My fiance is such a fabulous person and I love him to bits. He's cute and sexy and sweet and loves me... I just wish he'd... agdlfiughahjaf...... gah. I think my libido is showing. :/
  • plantgrrl
    plantgrrl Posts: 436 Member
    Options
    You poor thing. This is totally how I would feel if my husband stopped having sex with me--word for word. I don't know if I could stay if their was *no* sexual contact. :( I'm so sorry. Yes, it''s fine for you to want it. There's nothing wrong with you.
  • BlueInkDot
    BlueInkDot Posts: 702 Member
    Options
    Get dressed up--if that's your thing. Shave your legs, make yourself feel like your sexy somehow, do something fun together like you used to do. Watch a movie and start making out on the couch like teenagers. Think about all the things you love about your husband and what's sexy about him. ... Maybe go to a sex toy/lover's package type shop with your husband, it could get you talking about what you'd like to try in bed or what you want from each other. They say 80% of women DON'T orgasm from sex alone...maybe there should be a little more 3rd base foreplay?
    I've tried some of these things, but I will write them all down and put more effort into it... *schemeschemescheme*
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
    Options
    Wow. Just having someone acknowledge that is making me want to cry. Thanks for the validation. This whole thread, actually, has really helped me to see that it's ok for me to want sex and that I shouldn't have to feel ashamed all the time.

    Oh honey, I just wanna give you a big ole hug. Of course it's ok for you to want sex! It's a perfectly natural desire. Has your husband talked to a doctor to see if there's some sort of hormonal issue going on that's killing his sex drive? Maybe the two of you could go to counseling together, so that your husband can understand better how important intimacy is to a relationship.

    There is NOTHING wrong with you. You're a young, beautiful, healthy woman with healthy wants, needs and desires.

    Thanks for the hugs! I'm hoping me finding a therapist to talk to will be the catalyst to couples counseling. Just want to get my thoughts and feelings in order first.

    Any time :) That's probably a good idea, to help you get centered before going together. I really, truly hope things work out for you and your husband, and that you can get what you need out of your marriage.
  • lukeout007
    lukeout007 Posts: 1,247 Member
    Options
    This thread alone probably got a dozen people laid last night. Win.
  • MayMaydoesntrun
    MayMaydoesntrun Posts: 805 Member
    Options
    This thread alone probably got a dozen people laid last night. Win.

    No doubt!! :wink:
  • chantalb20
    chantalb20 Posts: 132
    Options
    This thread alone probably got a dozen people laid last night. Win.

    it didn't work for me :|
  • lukeout007
    lukeout007 Posts: 1,247 Member
    Options
    This thread alone probably got a dozen people laid last night. Win.

    it didn't work for me :|

    If at first you don't succeed...try try try again....all night long.
  • karenjoy
    karenjoy Posts: 1,840 Member
    Options
    it didn't work for me :|

    nor me
  • chrystee
    chrystee Posts: 295 Member
    Options
    This thread alone probably got a dozen people laid last night. Win.

    Two nights in a row for him. He's in a great mood.
    Thanks for helping me to see.
  • robbiemac00
    robbiemac00 Posts: 8 Member
    Options
    Me and my wife both worked on this problem. It takes time and for both parties to realize that the other might have something else on there mind. I wouldn't worry to much but sit down with him and talk about what has been going on lately and see where that leaves you.

Categories