Who initiates in your house??

kristalfrissy
kristalfrissy Posts: 158 Member
in Chit-Chat
Ok--I have been married for 16 years and my husband threatened to leave me the other day because he is tired of always being the one to intiate sex. I rarely say no when he intiates--but I only am the aggressor maybe once ever couple of months.He said that he doesn't feel wanted.

I'm really trying to work on it but I can go quite awhile before I even think about it. I love my husband very much but we have alot of stress and it tends the be less on my priority list then his. But like I said--I don't hardly ever tell him no and we are together probably 4 or 5 times a week. What is the norm in your relationship?
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Replies

  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
    Ok--I have been married for 16 years and my husband threatened to leave me the other day because he is tired of always being the one to intiate sex. I rarely say no when he intiates--but I only am the aggressor maybe once ever couple of months.He said that he doesn't feel wanted.

    I'm really trying to work on it but I can go quite awhile before I even think about it. I love my husband very much but we have alot of stress and it tends the be less on my priority list then his. But like I said--I don't hardly ever tell him no and we are together probably 4 or 5 times a week. What is the norm in your relationship?
    After 16 years he is going to leave you over something as petty as that?
    Obviously there are other problems.
    Especially if you rarely turn him down.
    But, to answer your question, my wife is usually the one who initiates.
  • angryguy77
    angryguy77 Posts: 836 Member
    If you said no a lot I'd say he has a legit point, but I don't know why he'd threaten to leave over that.

    I could see him talking to you about it, but not leaving. It's not like he's being deprived with that amount.

    Some guys don't know how good they have it. I'd be ecstatic if my wife had your mindset.

    To answer your question, my wife does initiate more, but it's only because I don't bother trying anymore. After getting rejected so many times, a guy kind of gets sick of it.
  • scs143
    scs143 Posts: 2,190 Member
    I would say he does far more than I do, but I do as well. I tend to want to at odd times of the day- like for some reason, I want to have sex at 2pm most days. I have no idea why- hormone spike or something? Anyway, so I will initiate on the weekends moreso (because I am drinking more wine and we are home!)

    If it's something he is upset about- which it seems he is, then make a point to initiate. The way I figure it- they are pretty much always in the mood. So when you feel the urge- act on it.
  • mgnmsn
    mgnmsn Posts: 133 Member
    i definitely do way more than he does. we have been together 4.5 years and that is the trend. but i understand where the guy is coming from. i wish he would pounce on me a little more. i feel like i am a bother sometimes. but i do NOT think it would be a reason to leave somebody.
  • JPod279
    JPod279 Posts: 722 Member
    Tell him it could be worse. I initiate it 99.99% of the time and I get turned down about 90% of the time. I would have probably left by now but I know I would lose half my stuff.
  • UponThisRock
    UponThisRock Posts: 4,519 Member
    She says "Let's," I say "Go"
  • SofaKingRad
    SofaKingRad Posts: 1,592 Member
    There's gotta be more to the story.
  • BAMFMeredith
    BAMFMeredith Posts: 2,810 Member
    Ok--I have been married for 16 years and my husband threatened to leave me the other day because he is tired of always being the one to intiate sex. I rarely say no when he intiates--but I only am the aggressor maybe once ever couple of months.He said that he doesn't feel wanted.

    I'm really trying to work on it but I can go quite awhile before I even think about it. I love my husband very much but we have alot of stress and it tends the be less on my priority list then his. But like I said--I don't hardly ever tell him no and we are together probably 4 or 5 times a week. What is the norm in your relationship?
    After 16 years he is going to leave you over something as petty as that?
    Obviously there are other problems.
    Especially if you rarely turn him down.
    But, to answer your question, my wife is usually the one who initiates.

    Word.

    But also, it's fairly even with my bf and I...and neither of us turn the other down very often :wink:
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
    me more for sure, but both of us do. I just tend to want it more, I guess... and not often enough....
  • iva001
    iva001 Posts: 162
    Ok--I have been married for 16 years and my husband threatened to leave me the other day because he is tired of always being the one to intiate sex. I rarely say no when he intiates--but I only am the aggressor maybe once ever couple of months.He said that he doesn't feel wanted.

    I'm really trying to work on it but I can go quite awhile before I even think about it. I love my husband very much but we have alot of stress and it tends the be less on my priority list then his. But like I said--I don't hardly ever tell him no and we are together probably 4 or 5 times a week. What is the norm in your relationship?
    After 16 years he is going to leave you over something as petty as that?
    Obviously there are other problems.
    Especially if you rarely turn him down.
    But, to answer your question, my wife is usually the one who initiates.

    Its not petty, to want to feel desired.
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
    There is definitely more to this than just the initiation of sex.


    At our house, it's about equal.
  • XxYeaIrocxX
    XxYeaIrocxX Posts: 224 Member
    We'll be together for 6 years this Sep and I am by far more aggressive than him. Anytime he's down, I never turn him away (Except for when I was pregnant cause it was creepy)

    He tells me all the time he feels like hes just a piece of man meat :laugh:
  • SirZee
    SirZee Posts: 381
    Tell him it could be worse. I initiate it 99.99% of the time and I get turned down about 90% of the time. I would have probably left by now but I know I would lose half my stuff.

    I'm with you, except substitute 100% for 99%, 75% for 90%, and "most my stuff and future earnings" for "half my stuff". I am so sick of its one sidedness that it saps my will to live away. (Yes, there's a lot more to this story too)
  • GasMasterFlash
    GasMasterFlash Posts: 2,206 Member
    Usually me, but it requires negotiation, usually related to promising to buy her something the next day. I hurts my feelings, and makes me feel pretty cheap and worthless.
  • SirZee
    SirZee Posts: 381
    We'll be together for 6 years this Sep and I am by far more aggressive than him. Anytime he's down, I never turn him away (Except for when I was pregnant cause it was creepy)

    He tells me all the time he feels like hes just a piece of man meat :laugh:

    Boy oh boy oh boy, I wish I had his problem lol :)
  • galegetsthin
    galegetsthin Posts: 1,340 Member
    It is pretty even in our house. One of us will jump the other nearly every day.
  • chrystee
    chrystee Posts: 295 Member
    Ok--I have been married for 16 years and my husband threatened to leave me the other day because he is tired of always being the one to intiate sex. I rarely say no when he intiates--but I only am the aggressor maybe once ever couple of months.He said that he doesn't feel wanted.

    I'm really trying to work on it but I can go quite awhile before I even think about it. I love my husband very much but we have alot of stress and it tends the be less on my priority list then his. But like I said--I don't hardly ever tell him no and we are together probably 4 or 5 times a week. What is the norm in your relationship?

    That seems really strange to me.
  • CoryIda
    CoryIda Posts: 7,870 Member
    My ex husband *never* initiated. It was me every. single. time.

    And even though the benefits (for me) were pathetic, I initiated several times a week anyway.
  • Im_NotPerfect
    Im_NotPerfect Posts: 2,181 Member
    Normally my husband usually. I'll try to send signals, but when it really comes down to it, he does more than I do. I think mostly because I'm not really sure HOW. Sounds sad, doesn't it? But he's the only one I've been with and didn't really have a whole lot of experience in that area when we got together (12 yrs ago). Trying to get better at it though...
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    He's seriously going to leave you over this?

    I think you need to have a long, serious talk and maybe seek out a counselor if it's really that serious, considering the rest of your story.
  • _Schatzi_
    _Schatzi_ Posts: 112 Member
    Threatening to leave you is certainly an over-reaction, but at least you can give him credit for articulating his feelings. I think most women who take hormone-based birth control experience a decrease in sex-drive. (Maybe that's the real reason it's so effective!)

    It couldn't hurt to pencil in some alone time. After all- it's great bonding time, it burns calories, and trips the 'satiety' button in the brain which can help you curb your cravings for unhealthy food! Why not give it a go?
  • tinalatina
    tinalatina Posts: 499 Member
    In my house its the opposite! But i think it might also be because of the age difference! im always the one initiating with "old man" hahah!! You should suprise him and im sure he will appreciate it!

    Speaking of "it" Have you seen 7 days of Sex on TV? a challenge i think most couples should try!!
  • kristalfrissy
    kristalfrissy Posts: 158 Member
    There's gotta be more to the story.


    Its just alot of the same story. I guess he has felt like this most of the 16 years. he gets alot of attention from girls and I guess feels like I don't appreciate what I have but I do but at the same time--we have a real life and 2 kids--one of whom has alot of medical conditions. He has been fighting drugs his whole life--one addiction after another and is finally clean for almost 2 years now and I think he was expecting same major differences in how I acted in that area once he was clean??? I kinda get it but I kinda don't.
  • SirZee
    SirZee Posts: 381
    If you said no a lot I'd say he has a legit point, but I don't know why he'd threaten to leave over that.

    I could see him talking to you about it, but not leaving. It's not like he's being deprived with that amount.

    Some guys don't know how good they have it. I'd be ecstatic if my wife had your mindset.

    To answer your question, my wife does initiate more, but it's only because I don't bother trying anymore. After getting rejected so many times, a guy kind of gets sick of it.

    +1 word for word.
  • IronmanPanda
    IronmanPanda Posts: 2,083 Member
    Sometimes Leftie initiates but I'm mostly right handed so...
  • Dayna154
    Dayna154 Posts: 910 Member
    when I was with the ex we were together for 11+ yrs we both did..
    I have been in relationships where I was always the aggressor, and others where it was half and half. Rarely am I not the aggressor.. lol
    I have been told I have the sex drive of a teenage boy..
  • BeetleChe13
    BeetleChe13 Posts: 498 Member
    I'm a newlywed, and I very rarely initiate. Once we get health insurance, I will discuss my low libido with a doctor, but until then, he initiates almost 100% of the time. Since sex isn't important to me, he just lets me know when he wants it, and I take care of him. :wink: It's an odd situation, but we're both satisfied, and that's all that matters.
  • chrystee
    chrystee Posts: 295 Member
    Tell him it could be worse. I initiate it 99.99% of the time and I get turned down about 90% of the time. I would have probably left by now but I know I would lose half my stuff.

    You guys make me feel bad. I try to be good about it, but I had some issues during childhood.. mine doesn't really initiate any more either.. but I really try to make an effort.. my libido is so much less than his is.

    I've got to make a better effort.
  • mslack01
    mslack01 Posts: 823 Member
    I don't initiate. I don't know. I just feel like the man is supposed to do that.
  • traceyjayne64
    traceyjayne64 Posts: 262
    My hubby makes the first move probably 99% of the time...he beats me to it !!! I hardly ever say no, why would i, hes damn sexy. We get it on most days but alot more at the weekends :wink:

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