Who initiates in your house??

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  • KBrenOH
    KBrenOH Posts: 704 Member
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    Sadly, my husband is the one that usually initiates. I have 0 sex drive usually, something I'd hope would improve with weight-loss, but hasn't yet.

    I have to agree though.. he's going to extremes to say off this one thing that he wants to leave you just because you don't initiate. Sounds like further talking needs to be done between the two of you.
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    He has mentioned lingerie several times. I always feel so stupid and that I have no business wearing it cause I don't look like a VS model but maybe I should just go for it.

    Women need to knock this sh** off. Seriously...I don't mean to come off insulting so don't take it that way...but my wife does this too and it drives me nuts.

    Nobody is going to see you in the lingerie but him and you. If he WANTS to see it then why would you deny that? My wife is overweight...so what? She looks beautiful in lingerie and even better when I'm removing it with my teeth.

    And for the record...I doubt he's ever f***ed a VS model...so he has no reason to complain.

    Exactly.

    Look, I get not being comfortable in your own skin. BUT, obviously the man is still crazy about you and desires you, or else this wouldn't be such a big issue for him! So, like I said already, GO FOR IT! And, like someone else said, have fun with it. It doesn't have to be serious and sultry like it is in the movies...if you feel goofy, just learn to laugh at yourself and relax and have a good time with your husband :smile:
  • chrystee
    chrystee Posts: 295 Member
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    For those of you saying "he's seriously going to leave you?! That's petty!"

    How is feeling undesirable petty? I've struggled with this in my marriage for awhile now. My wife's libido has gone way down the tubes over the last 2 or 3 years...half the time I get turned down or she acts like it's a chore and the other half I have to initiate. She never does. The sex we have is fantastic but getting started is a big hurdle and it has regularly made me feel unwanted, undesired, and self conscious. If that's petty then so be it but I can't blame the guy. Especially if you are aware of the issue.

    I'll be realistic...I probably won't leave my wife over it. While it frustrates me like I said it's pretty amazing once we get going. But I can't discredit someone else feeling that way. If they feel bad enough about it to consider leaving then it's obviously important and needs to be addressed.

    I'll tell you my side of it.. I feel like I do EVERYTHING at home. My husband eats peanuts, and leaves the peanut dust and shells all over the counter.. I come home and the island counter is a huge mess.. the dogs get into a mess, and I have to clean it.. I get my son ready for bed, bath, story, bed.. I mostly make dinner..

    He has a hard time sleeping, so he comes home, sits at his computer and goes to bed early.. so by the time I have "ME" time, its 9pm, and I'm trying to eat my dinner and get to bed by 10ish.. that precious hour is all the time I have to myself.. so a lot of the time, I feel like having my hour. LOL. The rest of the day is stress; work, working out, cleaning up, making dinner, etc..

    If he did more of the house stuff, I'd feel like doing it more often, but it feels like another point on my checklist that I have to get done each day.. but I try to make an effort..

    So you guys need to look at that.. Is your wife busting her *kitten* with the house, bills, work??

    and do the girls who wear panties and heels when their hubby comes home have children?? I couldn't do that, I have a young son..

    The one thing I will say for my husband, who I love very much, is that he picks up our son, and enables me to make sure I get my work out every day.. he didn't used to do that.. and he's seen that if I can work out, I am more in the mood.. especially since losing some weight. I have more stamina, and I feel better about myself.
  • FrostyFour
    FrostyFour Posts: 262
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    He has mentioned lingerie several times. I always feel so stupid and that I have no business wearing it cause I don't look like a VS model but maybe I should just go for it.

    Women need to knock this sh** off. Seriously...I don't mean to come off insulting so don't take it that way...but my wife does this too and it drives me nuts.

    Nobody is going to see you in the lingerie but him and you. If he WANTS to see it then why would you deny that? My wife is overweight...so what? She looks beautiful in lingerie and even better when I'm removing it with my teeth.

    And for the record...I doubt he's ever f***ed a VS model...so he has no reason to complain.

    I totally get what you're saying here.

    When you're with him, do you look at his scars and his body and think, "Oh yuck, why am I in bed with this man"? If he wants you this bad, he's not thinking about anything but how HOT you are.

    I got scabies while I was pregnant with my son and now my skin is just SO UGLY to me... my husband's a butt man and now he has to beg to see it. I'm starting to get over it, though, cause I realize it doesn't matter to him...
  • jackpotclown
    jackpotclown Posts: 3,291 Member
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    For those of you saying "he's seriously going to leave you?! That's petty!"

    How is feeling undesirable petty? I've struggled with this in my marriage for awhile now. My wife's libido has gone way down the tubes over the last 2 or 3 years...half the time I get turned down or she acts like it's a chore and the other half I have to initiate. She never does. The sex we have is fantastic but getting started is a big hurdle and it has regularly made me feel unwanted, undesired, and self conscious. If that's petty then so be it but I can't blame the guy. Especially if you are aware of the issue.

    I'll be realistic...I probably won't leave my wife over it. While it frustrates me like I said it's pretty amazing once we get going. But I can't discredit someone else feeling that way. If they feel bad enough about it to consider leaving then it's obviously important and needs to be addressed.

    ^^^^ This.

    X2
  • 2dayirun4me
    2dayirun4me Posts: 336 Member
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    I love being the initiator!!
  • lostsanity137
    lostsanity137 Posts: 298 Member
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    He has mentioned lingerie several times. I always feel so stupid and that I have no business wearing it cause I don't look like a VS model but maybe I should just go for it.

    I say try it! Guys aren't as critcal about our bodies as we are. If he has expressed an interest, then he must think you are sexy and would look hella sexy wearing something scandalous! ;)

    And what a pleasant surprise for him when you do it. He will definitely think you are interested AND he will know you care about what he wants and needs. What better way to show him you desire him back when you bring up a fantasy of his. Toss aside your insecurites, because he won't see those things you see!
  • galegetsthin
    galegetsthin Posts: 1,352 Member
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    I can assure you I do not look like a VS model in it. I look real. I look like I can take a good roll in the hay. I look sexy in the body I have. You put on something slinky with some heels, *drool* - it makes me feel great. I dont look like "them". sure. but he didn't choose to be with "them", so it really doesnt do any good to compare to someone who's JOB it is to not eat much and work out all day, only to be interrupted now and then by cameras. And even THEY get airbrushed and post-edited to look like that. Don't worry about anyone else. When I am in MY lingerie, I am the sexiest b!tch on Earth, and NOBODY can tell me any different.
  • vjanes1014
    vjanes1014 Posts: 4 Member
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    My husband and i have been together for almost six years, we have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and we are expecting our 3 in august. He is the one to initiate almost always. It is not that I dont want to casue I also rarely say no, I just dont have sex as a top priority either. We have sex typically 2-3 times a week. He would like for me to initiate more and i am working on that but he is happy that I am always willing. he is more of a night owl than I am and I get up hours before he does so he realizes that if it is going to happen it has to be at a decent hour becasue our boys dont care if mommy didnt get to bed before midnight! :) Communication is important!
  • HappyathomeMN
    HappyathomeMN Posts: 498 Member
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    It's mutual and the 4-6 times per week are well worth any effort!

    That's with 4 kids(ages 15, 8 and two 5 year olds) at home and he's the stay at home parent. Nothing is sexier than a man who can clean up - the house, himself . . . .
  • spacecase76
    spacecase76 Posts: 673 Member
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    some of this is perception.

    In our relationship, it's about 50/50 - real darn close.

    And yet BF feels like he *always* initiates, so I try to make a big deal out of it when I initiate, lol. :tongue:

    The thing to remember here is that if he feels you need to initiate more --- you need to make an effort.. most especially since you say you "never" initiate. If you don't, you aren't being considerate of his feelings. You've been married long enough to know it's all about compromise... you need to find a way to meet him in the middle on this. His feelings are legit, even if you don't want to acknowledge that they are. :ohwell:
  • Im_NotPerfect
    Im_NotPerfect Posts: 2,181 Member
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    How many times a week is everyone doing it?

    once. maybe.

    Ditto...more like twice a month! Honestly though...we were never rabbits. When child #1 was born, we almost went an entire YEAR (pregnancy included). Yeah...that one hurt....

    Trying to get back into doing it more, but with 2 kids and each of us working full time jobs, and kid #1 into sports...we're just flat out TIRED!
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
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    My wife is almost always the initiator. And she's very good at it.
  • PhoebeC123
    PhoebeC123 Posts: 28
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    This may sound really stupid, but I don't want to initiate because I feel like it would be putting him on the spot to get a hard on. I just feel around if we're making out and if he has a boner then it's go time..
  • Eireann15
    Eireann15 Posts: 124
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    He initiates more than me.. a lot more. I feel bad about it. I love him and want to.. I just have a really low sex drive. I'm on BC and I've noticed that when I am on it (both types so far), my sex drive is much lower. I've had periods where I was off of it for a little bit, and I definitely noticed an increase. We have been together 3.5 years.

    There's gotta be more to it I'm thinking...why he's saying that. Especially since you sleep together quite often and rarely turn him down.
  • ksparky911
    ksparky911 Posts: 8
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    I ALWAYS initiate. I think in 6 years, he's started it maybe twice, lol....I've always joked that I'm the "guy" of the relationship, because I am always ready to go, while he is more likely to plead a headache, or complain of being too tired....

    Though I can understand where he's coming from. The other day, I initiated, he wasn't really in the mood, but he went along with me, and I know it was *for* my benefit but it just REALLY turned me off, but we were too far to really stop, so I just laid there feeling ugly and fat (maybe because I've been focusing too much on my weight because of this site, lol!) and just unwanted. Even though he was willing to do it for me, I could tell he wasn't really putting his full attention, or really any effort in.

    It's 100% better when BOTH parties want it....
  • vjanes1014
    vjanes1014 Posts: 4 Member
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    He has mentioned lingerie several times. I always feel so stupid and that I have no business wearing it cause I don't look like a VS model but maybe I should just go for it.

    I say try it! Guys aren't as critcal about our bodies as we are. If he has expressed an interest, then he must think you are sexy and would look hella sexy wearing something scandalous! ;)

    And what a pleasant surprise for him when you do it. He will definitely think you are interested AND he will know you care about what he wants and needs. What better way to show him you desire him back when you bring up a fantasy of his. Toss aside your insecurites, because he won't see those things you see!


    My hubby really wanted me to buy one of thise sexy halloween custumes but I couldnt do it because I know I wouldnt look like the picture!
  • bug1114
    bug1114 Posts: 268 Member
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    He has mentioned lingerie several times. I always feel so stupid and that I have no business wearing it cause I don't look like a VS model but maybe I should just go for it.

    Women need to knock this sh** off. Seriously...I don't mean to come off insulting so don't take it that way...but my wife does this too and it drives me nuts.

    Nobody is going to see you in the lingerie but him and you. If he WANTS to see it then why would you deny that? My wife is overweight...so what? She looks beautiful in lingerie and even better when I'm removing it with my teeth.

    And for the record...I doubt he's ever f***ed a VS model...so he has no reason to complain.

    I :heart: this response!! :flowerforyou:
  • sjebert
    sjebert Posts: 212 Member
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    What is this sex thing that you speak of? I am not familiar with it!
  • lukeout007
    lukeout007 Posts: 1,247 Member
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    For those of you saying "he's seriously going to leave you?! That's petty!"

    How is feeling undesirable petty? I've struggled with this in my marriage for awhile now. My wife's libido has gone way down the tubes over the last 2 or 3 years...half the time I get turned down or she acts like it's a chore and the other half I have to initiate. She never does. The sex we have is fantastic but getting started is a big hurdle and it has regularly made me feel unwanted, undesired, and self conscious. If that's petty then so be it but I can't blame the guy. Especially if you are aware of the issue.

    I'll be realistic...I probably won't leave my wife over it. While it frustrates me like I said it's pretty amazing once we get going. But I can't discredit someone else feeling that way. If they feel bad enough about it to consider leaving then it's obviously important and needs to be addressed.

    I'll tell you my side of it.. I feel like I do EVERYTHING at home. My husband eats peanuts, and leaves the peanut dust and shells all over the counter.. I come home and the island counter is a huge mess.. the dogs get into a mess, and I have to clean it.. I get my son ready for bed, bath, story, bed.. I mostly make dinner..

    He has a hard time sleeping, so he comes home, sits at his computer and goes to bed early.. so by the time I have "ME" time, its 9pm, and I'm trying to eat my dinner and get to bed by 10ish.. that precious hour is all the time I have to myself.. so a lot of the time, I feel like having my hour. LOL. The rest of the day is stress; work, working out, cleaning up, making dinner, etc..

    If he did more of the house stuff, I'd feel like doing it more often, but it feels like another point on my checklist that I have to get done each day.. but I try to make an effort..

    So you guys need to look at that.. Is your wife busting her *kitten* with the house, bills, work??

    and do the girls who wear panties and heels when their hubby comes home have children?? I couldn't do that, I have a young son..

    The one thing I will say for my husband, who I love very much, is that he picks up our son, and enables me to make sure I get my work out every day.. he didn't used to do that.. and he's seen that if I can work out, I am more in the mood.. especially since losing some weight. I have more stamina, and I feel better about myself.

    2 things...

    The question wasn't about how often you do it...if you're busy doing all those things you have a right to be tired and want alone time. That has nothing to do with initiating.

    As for the children arguement...I'm guessing if a woman has children...so does her husband...just a thought. Who said you needed to meet him at the door in panties? I'd be perfectly happy with my wife simply rolling over and kissing on my neck. I don't need some big special initiation every time. I just want to feel like she actually enjoys and WANTS to have sex with me.

    I don't think anybody asking that...male or female...is wrong.

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