Who initiates in your house??

chrystee

For those of you saying "he's seriously going to leave you?! That's petty!"

How is feeling undesirable petty? I've struggled with this in my marriage for awhile now. My wife's libido has gone way down the tubes over the last 2 or 3 years...half the time I get turned down or she acts like it's a chore and the other half I have to initiate. She never does. The sex we have is fantastic but getting started is a big hurdle and it has regularly made me feel unwanted, undesired, and self conscious. If that's petty then so be it but I can't blame the guy. Especially if you are aware of the issue.

I'll be realistic...I probably won't leave my wife over it. While it frustrates me like I said it's pretty amazing once we get going. But I can't discredit someone else feeling that way. If they feel bad enough about it to consider leaving then it's obviously important and needs to be addressed.

I'll tell you my side of it.. I feel like I do EVERYTHING at home. My husband eats peanuts, and leaves the peanut dust and shells all over the counter.. I come home and the island counter is a huge mess.. the dogs get into a mess, and I have to clean it.. I get my son ready for bed, bath, story, bed.. I mostly make dinner..

He has a hard time sleeping, so he comes home, sits at his computer and goes to bed early.. so by the time I have "ME" time, its 9pm, and I'm trying to eat my dinner and get to bed by 10ish.. that precious hour is all the time I have to myself.. so a lot of the time, I feel like having my hour. LOL. The rest of the day is stress; work, working out, cleaning up, making dinner, etc..

If he did more of the house stuff, I'd feel like doing it more often, but it feels like another point on my checklist that I have to get done each day.. but I try to make an effort..

So you guys need to look at that.. Is your wife busting her *kitten* with the house, bills, work??

and do the girls who wear panties and heels when their hubby comes home have children?? I couldn't do that, I have a young son..

The one thing I will say for my husband, who I love very much, is that he picks up our son, and enables me to make sure I get my work out every day.. he didn't used to do that.. and he's seen that if I can work out, I am more in the mood.. especially since losing some weight. I have more stamina, and I feel better about myself.

2 things...

The question wasn't about how often you do it...if you're busy doing all those things you have a right to be tired and want alone time. That has nothing to do with initiating.

As for the children arguement...I'm guessing if a woman has children...so does her husband...just a thought. Who said you needed to meet him at the door in panties? I'd be perfectly happy with my wife simply rolling over and kissing on my neck. I don't need some big special initiation every time. I just want to feel like she actually enjoys and WANTS to have sex with me.

I don't think anybody asking that...male or female...is wrong.

Someone mentioned that she surprises the hubby by cooking in just heels and an apron or something..

slyder432

bump

cheshirequeen

I ALWAYS initiate. I think in 6 years, he's started it maybe twice, lol....I've always joked that I'm the "guy" of the relationship, because I am always ready to go, while he is more likely to plead a headache, or complain of being too tired....

same here. i want it. he doesnt. he always falls asleep on the couch so im not that offended. hes the only person i know that sleeps sitting up on the couch hanging his head down. hes fallen asleep and looks like he is sleeping like one of our cats. we have one child and we get up early and weve been married 13 years so i guess its bound to happen. once a week, like i said, is a great thing for me. id like it much more, but as long as we are together thats what matters. the first part is quoted stupid computer. haha.

creech6317

If a guy gets turned down enough it is my experience that they will just go find someone who won't turn them down.
But then, do you want someone like that to stay? If you are giving it to him 4-5 times a week it sounds like he/you guys have other issues.

chachita7

Seems you might want to watch a few episodes of this -- http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/7-days-of-sex

lukeout007

For those of you saying "he's seriously going to leave you?! That's petty!"

How is feeling undesirable petty? I've struggled with this in my marriage for awhile now. My wife's libido has gone way down the tubes over the last 2 or 3 years...half the time I get turned down or she acts like it's a chore and the other half I have to initiate. She never does. The sex we have is fantastic but getting started is a big hurdle and it has regularly made me feel unwanted, undesired, and self conscious. If that's petty then so be it but I can't blame the guy. Especially if you are aware of the issue.

I'll be realistic...I probably won't leave my wife over it. While it frustrates me like I said it's pretty amazing once we get going. But I can't discredit someone else feeling that way. If they feel bad enough about it to consider leaving then it's obviously important and needs to be addressed.

I'll tell you my side of it.. I feel like I do EVERYTHING at home. My husband eats peanuts, and leaves the peanut dust and shells all over the counter.. I come home and the island counter is a huge mess.. the dogs get into a mess, and I have to clean it.. I get my son ready for bed, bath, story, bed.. I mostly make dinner..

He has a hard time sleeping, so he comes home, sits at his computer and goes to bed early.. so by the time I have "ME" time, its 9pm, and I'm trying to eat my dinner and get to bed by 10ish.. that precious hour is all the time I have to myself.. so a lot of the time, I feel like having my hour. LOL. The rest of the day is stress; work, working out, cleaning up, making dinner, etc..

If he did more of the house stuff, I'd feel like doing it more often, but it feels like another point on my checklist that I have to get done each day.. but I try to make an effort..

So you guys need to look at that.. Is your wife busting her *kitten* with the house, bills, work??

and do the girls who wear panties and heels when their hubby comes home have children?? I couldn't do that, I have a young son..

The one thing I will say for my husband, who I love very much, is that he picks up our son, and enables me to make sure I get my work out every day.. he didn't used to do that.. and he's seen that if I can work out, I am more in the mood.. especially since losing some weight. I have more stamina, and I feel better about myself.

2 things...

The question wasn't about how often you do it...if you're busy doing all those things you have a right to be tired and want alone time. That has nothing to do with initiating.

As for the children arguement...I'm guessing if a woman has children...so does her husband...just a thought. Who said you needed to meet him at the door in panties? I'd be perfectly happy with my wife simply rolling over and kissing on my neck. I don't need some big special initiation every time. I just want to feel like she actually enjoys and WANTS to have sex with me.

I don't think anybody asking that...male or female...is wrong.

Someone mentioned that she surprises the hubby by cooking in just heels and an apron or something..

Didn't see that...but it's really not necessary.

My wife used to do that...when we were dating and had no kids. Hell I remember the day she bought me an xbox...I walked in and she was laying on the bed butt naked with an xbox on her lap.

Jxnsmma

Mine complains to his friends that he doesnt get any, but then rejects me when I am all over him like a wet t-shirt.

Men are so confusing some days...

scs143

He has mentioned lingerie several times. I always feel so stupid and that I have no business wearing it cause I don't look like a VS model but maybe I should just go for it.

Just go for it. You don't have to look like a VS model. You have look ready and available. I assure you that I don't look like a model- but he loves me and having sex with me, therefore it's not required!

abberbabber

If a guy gets turned down enough it is my experience that they will just go find someone who won't turn them down.
But then, do you want someone like that to stay? If you are giving it to him 4-5 times a week it sounds like he/you guys have other issues.

Even if you never get turned down, being the aggressor 99.99% of the time still has an emotional toll.

chrystee

...this thread makes me sad.

especially when you see there are women who have a libido

Is that the womans fault if they don't tho? How do you fix that?

saxmaniac

How many times a week is everyone doing it?

Daily, or a bit more. Hard to get more in, with three kids.

RilantheFirebug

He has mentioned lingerie several times. I always feel so stupid and that I have no business wearing it cause I don't look like a VS model but maybe I should just go for it.

Women need to knock this sh** off. Seriously...I don't mean to come off insulting so don't take it that way...but my wife does this too and it drives me nuts.

Nobody is going to see you in the lingerie but him and you. If he WANTS to see it then why would you deny that? My wife is overweight...so what? She looks beautiful in lingerie and even better when I'm removing it with my teeth.

And for the record...I doubt he's ever f***ed a VS model...so he has no reason to complain.

Seriously, if I could reach thru my computer and give you a huge hug/high five right now I totally would. That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

Maryaly40

He has mentioned lingerie several times. I always feel so stupid and that I have no business wearing it cause I don't look like a VS model but maybe I should just go for it.

Women need to knock this sh** off. Seriously...I don't mean to come off insulting so don't take it that way...but my wife does this too and it drives me nuts.

Nobody is going to see you in the lingerie but him and you. If he WANTS to see it then why would you deny that? My wife is overweight...so what? She looks beautiful in lingerie and even better when I'm removing it with my teeth.

And for the record...I doubt he's ever f***ed a VS model...so he has no reason to complain.

^^^^This. This. This. BUT, when a woman does not feel good about herself, it's EXTREMELY difficult to put herself out there for the hubs. I've been there....dropped over 50lbs and I like myself again and I'm all over the hub now :blushing:

galegetsthin

I'll tell you my side of it.. I feel like I do EVERYTHING at home. My husband eats peanuts, and leaves the peanut dust and shells all over the counter.. I come home and the island counter is a huge mess.. the dogs get into a mess, and I have to clean it.. I get my son ready for bed, bath, story, bed.. I mostly make dinner..

He has a hard time sleeping, so he comes home, sits at his computer and goes to bed early.. so by the time I have "ME" time, its 9pm, and I'm trying to eat my dinner and get to bed by 10ish.. that precious hour is all the time I have to myself.. so a lot of the time, I feel like having my hour. LOL. The rest of the day is stress; work, working out, cleaning up, making dinner, etc..

If he did more of the house stuff, I'd feel like doing it more often, but it feels like another point on my checklist that I have to get done each day.. but I try to make an effort..

So you guys need to look at that.. Is your wife busting her *kitten* with the house, bills, work??

and do the girls who wear panties and heels when their hubby comes home have children?? I couldn't do that, I have a young son..

The one thing I will say for my husband, who I love very much, is that he picks up our son, and enables me to make sure I get my work out every day.. he didn't used to do that.. and he's seen that if I can work out, I am more in the mood.. especially since losing some weight. I have more stamina, and I feel better about myself.

Well, it sounds like you have all your excuses wrapped up with a nice little bow, doesn't it? Complaining is not likely to get help around the house. Take some of your "you" time and make it "us" time. Or, god forbid, go to bed a little later every now and then.

And yes, I have a 6 year old daughter. I just make sure that I am prepared for the nights where she goes to sleepovers, or will not be home due to gymnastics until later. Plus, the heels and panties thing was not the ONLY thing mentioned, and I bet your kid has a bedtime, right? After he goes down, YOU go down.

Perhaps he would be a bit more social toward you and helpful around the house if he felt like there was a reason to give a half a s#it! You would be AMAZED at how much more cooperative a man who doesn't feel cast aside so that you can live YOUR life.

Put a bowl on the counter for the peanuts and ask him to use that. Get rid of the dogs if they negatively affect your relationship with your husband. Yes, I love my dogs, but if it was that much of a drain for me to take care of them that I pick them over intimacy, someone else will love them too.

If a person wants something bad enough, they will find a way. The only thing standing between anyone and their goal is the bulls#it story they keep telling themselves as to why they can't achieve it.

lukeout007

...this thread makes me sad.

especially when you see there are women who have a libido

Is that the womans fault if they don't tho? How do you fix that?

There are a million reasons for a decreased libido. I don't think blaming someone for a low libido is productive in the least bit. HOWEVER...that doesn't mean you can't try to figure out the cause and make changes. I'm well aware my wife's is probably because of her weight. I expect that once she's able to start losing weight with me it will increase and I'm fine with that.

RainxPain

It's equal between my boyfriend and I.

TXBelle1174

My husband initiates 99% of the time. I used to initiate a lot but medication I am on totally killed my sex drive. :frown:
He complains about it once in awhile but not very often. I dont turn him down very often though either.

We do it a couple times a week.

abberbabber

...this thread makes me sad.

especially when you see there are women who have a libido

Is that the womans fault if they don't tho? How do you fix that?

Have you talked to a Dr? Could be a hormonal issue.

But if it's more emotional, talk to your husband and/or a therapist.

spacecase76

I have been told I have the sex drive of a teenage boy..

ha! Me too!

Sunshine_and_Puppies

In a relationship I am the one to initiate most of the time which can get very annoying, cuz there's nothing sexier than being grabbed, stripped down and shoved against a wall... you know. All you gotta do is walk up and grab his junk. It isn't all that difficult to get a man going.

strunkm4

I have the sex drive of a middle schooler...and so does my hubby. It's whoever gets to it first. I'll just be walking around and go "oh hey...wanna bang?"

bassman92

In my 1st marriage I only remember my wife initiating once and I remember alot of being turned down, 2nd marriage was much better until about our 7th year then it turned into the 1st marriage. I've been single for a while now, I think I'm waiting for someone to initiate.

scs143

I'll tell you my side of it.. I feel like I do EVERYTHING at home. My husband eats peanuts, and leaves the peanut dust and shells all over the counter.. I come home and the island counter is a huge mess.. the dogs get into a mess, and I have to clean it.. I get my son ready for bed, bath, story, bed.. I mostly make dinner..

He has a hard time sleeping, so he comes home, sits at his computer and goes to bed early.. so by the time I have "ME" time, its 9pm, and I'm trying to eat my dinner and get to bed by 10ish.. that precious hour is all the time I have to myself.. so a lot of the time, I feel like having my hour. LOL. The rest of the day is stress; work, working out, cleaning up, making dinner, etc..

If he did more of the house stuff, I'd feel like doing it more often, but it feels like another point on my checklist that I have to get done each day.. but I try to make an effort..

So you guys need to look at that.. Is your wife busting her *kitten* with the house, bills, work??

and do the girls who wear panties and heels when their hubby comes home have children?? I couldn't do that, I have a young son..

The one thing I will say for my husband, who I love very much, is that he picks up our son, and enables me to make sure I get my work out every day.. he didn't used to do that.. and he's seen that if I can work out, I am more in the mood.. especially since losing some weight. I have more stamina, and I feel better about myself.

Well, it sounds like you have all your excuses wrapped up with a nice little bow, doesn't it? Complaining is not likely to get help around the house. Take some of your "you" time and make it "us" time. Or, god forbid, go to bed a little later every now and then.

And yes, I have a 6 year old daughter. I just make sure that I am prepared for the nights where she goes to sleepovers, or will not be home due to gymnastics until later. Plus, the heels and panties thing was not the ONLY thing mentioned, and I bet your kid has a bedtime, right? After he goes down, YOU go down.

Perhaps he would be a bit more social toward you and helpful around the house if he felt like there was a reason to give a half a s#it! You would be AMAZED at how much more cooperative a man who doesn't feel cast aside so that you can live YOUR life.

Put a bowl on the counter for the peanuts and ask him to use that. Get rid of the dogs if they negatively affect your relationship with your husband. Yes, I love my dogs, but if it was that much of a drain for me to take care of them that I pick them over intimacy, someone else will love them too.

If a person wants something bad enough, they will find a way. The only thing standing between anyone and their goal is the bulls#it story they keep telling themselves as to why they can't achieve it.

Gale, I just want you to know that i love you.

angryguy77

For those of you saying "he's seriously going to leave you?! That's petty!"

How is feeling undesirable petty? I've struggled with this in my marriage for awhile now. My wife's libido has gone way down the tubes over the last 2 or 3 years...half the time I get turned down or she acts like it's a chore and the other half I have to initiate. She never does. The sex we have is fantastic but getting started is a big hurdle and it has regularly made me feel unwanted, undesired, and self conscious. If that's petty then so be it but I can't blame the guy. Especially if you are aware of the issue.

I'll be realistic...I probably won't leave my wife over it. While it frustrates me like I said it's pretty amazing once we get going. But I can't discredit someone else feeling that way. If they feel bad enough about it to consider leaving then it's obviously important and needs to be addressed.

I'll tell you my side of it.. I feel like I do EVERYTHING at home. My husband eats peanuts, and leaves the peanut dust and shells all over the counter.. I come home and the island counter is a huge mess.. the dogs get into a mess, and I have to clean it.. I get my son ready for bed, bath, story, bed.. I mostly make dinner..

He has a hard time sleeping, so he comes home, sits at his computer and goes to bed early.. so by the time I have "ME" time, its 9pm, and I'm trying to eat my dinner and get to bed by 10ish.. that precious hour is all the time I have to myself.. so a lot of the time, I feel like having my hour. LOL. The rest of the day is stress; work, working out, cleaning up, making dinner, etc..

If he did more of the house stuff, I'd feel like doing it more often, but it feels like another point on my checklist that I have to get done each day.. but I try to make an effort..

So you guys need to look at that.. Is your wife busting her *kitten* with the house, bills, work??

and do the girls who wear panties and heels when their hubby comes home have children?? I couldn't do that, I have a young son..

The one thing I will say for my husband, who I love very much, is that he picks up our son, and enables me to make sure I get my work out every day.. he didn't used to do that.. and he's seen that if I can work out, I am more in the mood.. especially since losing some weight. I have more stamina, and I feel better about myself.

2 things...

The question wasn't about how often you do it...if you're busy doing all those things you have a right to be tired and want alone time. That has nothing to do with initiating.

As for the children arguement...I'm guessing if a woman has children...so does her husband...just a thought. Who said you needed to meet him at the door in panties? I'd be perfectly happy with my wife simply rolling over and kissing on my neck. I don't need some big special initiation every time. I just want to feel like she actually enjoys and WANTS to have sex with me.

I don't think anybody asking that...male or female...is wrong.

exactly.

About being tired: I don't find that a valid excuse. i know it sounds harsh, but it's a cheap excuse in my book. Marriage is hard work, it takes effort. i hear a lot of women say that(mine included) and I wonder how they would react if their men told them the vast majority of the time they don't feel like taking them out, buying them gifts, etc because they were too tired.

lukeout007

I'll tell you my side of it.. I feel like I do EVERYTHING at home. My husband eats peanuts, and leaves the peanut dust and shells all over the counter.. I come home and the island counter is a huge mess.. the dogs get into a mess, and I have to clean it.. I get my son ready for bed, bath, story, bed.. I mostly make dinner..

He has a hard time sleeping, so he comes home, sits at his computer and goes to bed early.. so by the time I have "ME" time, its 9pm, and I'm trying to eat my dinner and get to bed by 10ish.. that precious hour is all the time I have to myself.. so a lot of the time, I feel like having my hour. LOL. The rest of the day is stress; work, working out, cleaning up, making dinner, etc..

If he did more of the house stuff, I'd feel like doing it more often, but it feels like another point on my checklist that I have to get done each day.. but I try to make an effort..

So you guys need to look at that.. Is your wife busting her *kitten* with the house, bills, work??

and do the girls who wear panties and heels when their hubby comes home have children?? I couldn't do that, I have a young son..

The one thing I will say for my husband, who I love very much, is that he picks up our son, and enables me to make sure I get my work out every day.. he didn't used to do that.. and he's seen that if I can work out, I am more in the mood.. especially since losing some weight. I have more stamina, and I feel better about myself.

Well, it sounds like you have all your excuses wrapped up with a nice little bow, doesn't it? Complaining is not likely to get help around the house. Take some of your "you" time and make it "us" time. Or, god forbid, go to bed a little later every now and then.

And yes, I have a 6 year old daughter. I just make sure that I am prepared for the nights where she goes to sleepovers, or will not be home due to gymnastics until later. Plus, the heels and panties thing was not the ONLY thing mentioned, and I bet your kid has a bedtime, right? After he goes down, YOU go down.

Perhaps he would be a bit more social toward you and helpful around the house if he felt like there was a reason to give a half a s#it! You would be AMAZED at how much more cooperative a man who doesn't feel cast aside so that you can live YOUR life.

Put a bowl on the counter for the peanuts and ask him to use that. Get rid of the dogs if they negatively affect your relationship with your husband. Yes, I love my dogs, but if it was that much of a drain for me to take care of them that I pick them over intimacy, someone else will love them too.

If a person wants something bad enough, they will find a way. The only thing standing between anyone and their goal is the bulls#it story they keep telling themselves as to why they can't achieve it.

Gale, I just want you to know that i love you.

I second that.

Kenzietea2

For those of you saying "he's seriously going to leave you?! That's petty!"

How is feeling undesirable petty? I've struggled with this in my marriage for awhile now. My wife's libido has gone way down the tubes over the last 2 or 3 years...half the time I get turned down or she acts like it's a chore and the other half I have to initiate. She never does. The sex we have is fantastic but getting started is a big hurdle and it has regularly made me feel unwanted, undesired, and self conscious. If that's petty then so be it but I can't blame the guy. Especially if you are aware of the issue.

I'll be realistic...I probably won't leave my wife over it. While it frustrates me like I said it's pretty amazing once we get going. But I can't discredit someone else feeling that way. If they feel bad enough about it to consider leaving then it's obviously important and needs to be addressed.

I'll tell you my side of it.. I feel like I do EVERYTHING at home. My husband eats peanuts, and leaves the peanut dust and shells all over the counter.. I come home and the island counter is a huge mess.. the dogs get into a mess, and I have to clean it.. I get my son ready for bed, bath, story, bed.. I mostly make dinner..

He has a hard time sleeping, so he comes home, sits at his computer and goes to bed early.. so by the time I have "ME" time, its 9pm, and I'm trying to eat my dinner and get to bed by 10ish.. that precious hour is all the time I have to myself.. so a lot of the time, I feel like having my hour. LOL. The rest of the day is stress; work, working out, cleaning up, making dinner, etc..

If he did more of the house stuff, I'd feel like doing it more often, but it feels like another point on my checklist that I have to get done each day.. but I try to make an effort..

So you guys need to look at that.. Is your wife busting her *kitten* with the house, bills, work??

and do the girls who wear panties and heels when their hubby comes home have children?? I couldn't do that, I have a young son..

The one thing I will say for my husband, who I love very much, is that he picks up our son, and enables me to make sure I get my work out every day.. he didn't used to do that.. and he's seen that if I can work out, I am more in the mood.. especially since losing some weight. I have more stamina, and I feel better about myself.

2 things...

The question wasn't about how often you do it...if you're busy doing all those things you have a right to be tired and want alone time. That has nothing to do with initiating.

As for the children arguement...I'm guessing if a woman has children...so does her husband...just a thought. Who said you needed to meet him at the door in panties? I'd be perfectly happy with my wife simply rolling over and kissing on my neck. I don't need some big special initiation every time. I just want to feel like she actually enjoys and WANTS to have sex with me.

I don't think anybody asking that...male or female...is wrong.

It isn't wrong, there is nothing wrong about it. I think the people saying it was a silly thing to threaten to leave someone over it didn't consider the fact she might just be having sex out of 'duty'. From what I read, I thought it meant she just simply wasn't initiating. And if that is the case, I still think it is dramatic. If, however, she was just laying there and clearly bored- that is a HUGE ego deflation for anyone, and maybe more so for a man. It is hurtful. Everyone wants to feel desired by their partner.

abberbabber

...this thread makes me sad.

especially when you see there are women who have a libido

Is that the womans fault if they don't tho? How do you fix that?

There are a million reasons for a decreased libido. I don't think blaming someone for a low libido is productive in the least bit. HOWEVER...that doesn't mean you can't try to figure out the cause and make changes. I'm well aware my wife's is probably because of her weight. I expect that once she's able to start losing weight with me it will increase and I'm fine with that.

Emphasis mine. EXACTLY. How would you feel if your husband was having issues with getting/maintaining an erection and blamed it on you? You'd feel HORRIBLE. So don't do it to him.

JPod279

...this thread makes me sad.

especially when you see there are women who have a libido

No kidding. What really sucks is the woman I was with just before I met my wife wanted it all the time. And when my wife and I met, we did it almost every day of the week and sometimes 2 and 3 times in a day. And I always take the time to make sure she gets everything she wants unless she tells me she just wants it fast and furious. But once we got married she tells me sex is not important. WTF? And I am the one who gets the girls every day, makes them dinner, and we split house work 50/50. I used to think there was no excuse to cheat on your wife. Used to think. I haven't done it, don't think I would. But I no longer think guys are scum for cheating.

lukeout007

...this thread makes me sad.

especially when you see there are women who have a libido

Is that the womans fault if they don't tho? How do you fix that?

There are a million reasons for a decreased libido. I don't think blaming someone for a low libido is productive in the least bit. HOWEVER...that doesn't mean you can't try to figure out the cause and make changes. I'm well aware my wife's is probably because of her weight. I expect that once she's able to start losing weight with me it will increase and I'm fine with that.

Emphasis mine. EXACTLY. How would you feel if your husband was having issues with getting/maintaining an erection and blamed it on you? You'd feel HORRIBLE. So don't do it to him.

Exactly.

Mios3

To answer your question, my wife does initiate more, but it's only because I don't bother trying anymore. After getting rejected so many times, a guy kind of gets sick of it.

This is the reason I don't initiate it anymore. Got tired of always being turned down.