Who initiates in your house??

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  • htmlgirl
    htmlgirl Posts: 314 Member
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    I feel so lonely and depressed with my marriage. We pretty much have no sex life, never had much of one unless I was the one who initiated it. The only time he ever initiated was right after we had a talk about it. I kind of feel like I am wasting my time with him. I want someone who will be attracted to me sexually and show interest in me. If he's not going to give me that, what's the point in being there with him, especially when I could be working on my career and finding someone who can give me what I want and need.

    It makes me feel like crap about myself. I feel like he isn't attracted to me and that's probably why I wanted to lose weight to begin with (I was of normal weight before I lost more). I don't really know how to fix this or if it can be fixed. We talk about it all the time and nothing really changes.

    I love him, don't get me wrong, but this has taken such a toll on my self-esteem :(

    PRINT THIS OUT AND SHOW IT TO HIM. Have you ever really spelled it out to him in this way? Boys are dumb sometimes you know... all the signals and hints in the world won't get through to someone that just needs it simply stated. Having said all that, there are a million other reasons why you guys probably got married other than sex right? So... that might not be the deal breaker you think it is if you can work on that part of your life together.

    Yes, we've talked about it over and over, me saying those things to him... things change for like a day and then go back to the way they were.
  • marynmarty
    marynmarty Posts: 89 Member
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    I would say now it's equal BUT there was a time when I got pregnant with my first child. We went from having sex all the time to hardly at all....I have bad pregnancies so I'm sick all 9 months. He was very patient and understood. But once our daughter was born it still stayed to where he had to beg because I was so tired or stressed with the new baby. Then we got pregnant 2 years later with my second one and once again had a horrible pregnancy. Then after she was born it went back to hardly ever because I was even more tired. So I felt bad because he kept saying that he felt I didn't care about him OR that I went to wanting it all the time to never wanting it so he thought maybe I had someone here at work. I knew I had to try harder so I tried. NOW since I have lost my weight it's back to all the time and it's equal. Theres nights where I can't help it and same with him. BUT like I said I went through a dry spell there between our two kids. I think since my energy level has went up that I'm more willing. Plus it crushed me that he felt that I didn't care :-( I think going through dry spells is very normal but it will come back and then watch out LOL.
  • 78brownie_wechanged
    78brownie_wechanged Posts: 291
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    Sometimes men want to feel wanted (sexually.) While you may not be aggressive, every once in a while you could switch roles. Rubbing of the leg, pulling him onto you, kissing neck, just saying you're ready can ease some of that tension. GL
  • Sarahbara76
    Sarahbara76 Posts: 601 Member
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    me mostly but I make him ask lately , I tired of asking and him saying "not tonight, I need a shower, how about tomorrow?" ughh I don't plan it ..it happens or it doesn't we have been together 9 years

    WHAT?! No shower sex?! :sad:


    LOL he says "Showers are for cleaning up not being dirty!" But I will jump in with him to "Soap up his back" and he almost gets him every time!! LOL
  • lisakyle_11
    lisakyle_11 Posts: 420 Member
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    damn... 4-5 x a week still? that is great! we have 4 kids and *maybe* are able to find a place and some time together once or twice a week. we'd love it if it were more, but our lives are just too full/busy right now.

    ...this is reminding me that we seriously need some time away.
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
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    damn... 4-5 x a week still? that is great! we have 4 kids and *maybe* are able to find a place and some time together once or twice a week. we'd love it if it were more, but our lives are just too full/busy right now. ...this is reminding me that we seriously need some time away.

    There always is time, just gotta take it!

    The kids won't die if you take 20 minutes for yourselves. They bang on our locked door all the time. "Mom's taking a nap"
  • lukeout007
    lukeout007 Posts: 1,247 Member
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    Married for almost 5 years and when he's in the mood he rubs my back when we are laying watching tv together and calling me his hot wife...hahaha!!!! :P He is the one that initiates it. One time I initiated when he was half sleeping and had a couple of hours before he had to get up for work and he was all for it ;) 4x a week sounds right for us.

    I am sorry your husband is overly sensitive and threatens to leave you over sex when he was getting it 4x a week. He needs to be thankful and appreciate when he gets it.

    With all due respect, unless you're in his position, it's unfair to claim he's being "overly sensitive". As many people here have attested to, even if you're not getting turned down, being the one to always initiate can take an emotional toll on a marriage.


    I felt the same--that he needed to appreciate what he did have or that he was being dramatic but after reading everyones experiences and REALLY talking to him alot about this over the last couple of days--I have changed my view and understand where he is coming from. I am really really trying to keep in mind his needs not just my own. He said that having sex less often would be preferable to him over being the intiator 100% of the time. I was surprised to hear that. But after 16 years I guess I still have some things to learn. lol

    I'm glad you've started to understand. As someone in your husbands position I'd completely agree. I'd take less sex if it meant more initiation from my wife.
  • jimmacdonald
    jimmacdonald Posts: 93 Member
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    WoW
  • EmCarroll1990
    EmCarroll1990 Posts: 2,849 Member
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    My man does. But he wants it like all the time. Me, I could be good with like 1 or 2 a week.
  • Il_DaniD_lI
    Il_DaniD_lI Posts: 1,593 Member
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    My boyfriend for sure. I HAVE to turn him down a lot only because he always (I mean ALWAYS) wants it. I literally cannot hug or cuddle without it turning into him having a raging...you know.

    That being said, I initiate about 20% of time time, mostly when we're fighting.
  • EmCarroll1990
    EmCarroll1990 Posts: 2,849 Member
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    My boyfriend for sure. I HAVE to turn him down a lot only because he always (I mean ALWAYS) wants it. I literally cannot hug or cuddle without it turning into him having a raging...you know.

    That being said, I initiate about 20% of time time, mostly when we're fighting.

    This. Entirely this.
  • Il_DaniD_lI
    Il_DaniD_lI Posts: 1,593 Member
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    My boyfriend for sure. I HAVE to turn him down a lot only because he always (I mean ALWAYS) wants it. I literally cannot hug or cuddle without it turning into him having a raging...you know.

    That being said, I initiate about 20% of time time, mostly when we're fighting.

    This. Entirely this.

    Not a bad problem to have if you ask me :happy:
  • Bagman12002
    Bagman12002 Posts: 216 Member
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    I have been with my hubby for 10 1/2 years now...3 kids, a house full of animals..on only his income for the past 6, yeah I get the stress thing. This is what I say to you because when you say you can go a while with out even thinking of it ...I get that because i can literally go a couple months with out being bothered. With that said....I don't care who says what men NEED sex more then women. I am not saying that is they don't get it they should go cheat or leave to get some...what I am saying is that everyone has needs in life...if he is meeting yours well then you need to meet his, and if his is for you to initiate more then well hell girl get to it. My husband knows that not EVERY time we do it I am in the mood...sometimes I have to take on for the team, but his needs are met and he is happy and that keeps me happy in return. and just because you never say no means nothing...how would you feel if he stopped asking for sex? eventually you would ask yourself what you did wrong, or ask him if he lost love or attraction for you. That is probably how he is feeling...so like twice a month take one for the team and as soon as you can jump him...make him feel like the man that rocks your world...he will be happy and hopefully if your relationship is healthy other wise this will make him do something in return to make you happy :wink:

    well said, and try something diffrent to keep it fresh.
  • RMuske
    RMuske Posts: 271 Member
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    This whole thread makes me kind of sad... I hope everyone finds what they need in their significant other and that people will try to make each other happy and be patient with one another so that sex is not the reason for a relationship to end. Everyone should feel wanted.
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
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    This whole thread makes me kind of sad... I hope everyone finds what they need in their significant other and that people will try to make each other happy and be patient with one another so that sex is not the reason for a relationship to end. Everyone should feel wanted.
    :drinker:
  • Vis_Viva
    Vis_Viva Posts: 17 Member
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    Hold up...... men turn women down for sex??!

    Yeah I know right?

    I understand all those words individually but I don't comprehend them all in a sentence together.

    Seriously though, I don't want to belittle what anyone is going through. I just don't think I've turned down sex (with a woman I was having that kind of relationship with) EVER.
  • seattle_chick
    seattle_chick Posts: 59
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    My husband and I just started couples counseling. Yesterday was our second session with the therapist. He kept repeating, "There's nothing wrong with a wife wanting to have sex with her husband."

    I cried.

    We only have sex 2-3 times a year and it always takes a lot of persuasion on my part. I thought things might be a little better when I committed to working toward a smoking hot body. Nope.
  • EDesq
    EDesq Posts: 1,527 Member
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    Ok--I have been married for 16 years and my husband threatened to leave me the other day because he is tired of always being the one to intiate sex. I rarely say no when he intiates--but I only am the aggressor maybe once ever couple of months.He said that he doesn't feel wanted.

    I'm really trying to work on it but I can go quite awhile before I even think about it. I love my husband very much but we have alot of stress and it tends the be less on my priority list then his. But like I said--I don't hardly ever tell him no and we are together probably 4 or 5 times a week. What is the norm in your relationship?


    OMG!!! 4-5 Times per week AFTER 16 Years! That is SUPER. Tell him DO NOT Mess Up a GREAT Thing with some type of NEW FANGLED IDEA!!! Tell him to go with what WORKS in this instance...If it is NOT Broke, DO NOT EVEN TRY to Mess with it!!! OMG do you know how many couples have DEAD BED...After 5/10 years!!
  • PrincessShay135
    PrincessShay135 Posts: 40
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    I am so sorry to hear that, and it sounds like there must be more. Who would want to throw away 16 years just because he starts it most of the time? I start it about 90% of the time and wish my husband (of less than a year) would, as another member so aptly described it, pounce on me for a change. Your husband is lucky, you say yes every time, me no so much. He turms me down about 35% of the time which gets really depressing. Keep up with your goals no matter what he does, don't give up.
  • seattle_chick
    seattle_chick Posts: 59
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    I feel so lonely and depressed with my marriage. We pretty much have no sex life, never had much of one unless I was the one who initiated it. The only time he ever initiated was right after we had a talk about it. I kind of feel like I am wasting my time with him. I want someone who will be attracted to me sexually and show interest in me. If he's not going to give me that, what's the point in being there with him, especially when I could be working on my career and finding someone who can give me what I want and need.

    It makes me feel like crap about myself. I feel like he isn't attracted to me and that's probably why I wanted to lose weight to begin with (I was of normal weight before I lost more). I don't really know how to fix this or if it can be fixed. We talk about it all the time and nothing really changes.

    I love him, don't get me wrong, but this has taken such a toll on my self-esteem :(

    PRINT THIS OUT AND SHOW IT TO HIM. Have you ever really spelled it out to him in this way? Boys are dumb sometimes you know... all the signals and hints in the world won't get through to someone that just needs it simply stated. Having said all that, there are a million other reasons why you guys probably got married other than sex right? So... that might not be the deal breaker you think it is if you can work on that part of your life together.

    Yes, we've talked about it over and over, me saying those things to him... things change for like a day and then go back to the way they were.

    Same for me. A couple times a year, I'll break down into tears from the frustration of it all and THEN he MIGHT initiate. As for the rest of the year, I don't even bother to ask anymore.

    A fellow MFPer told me about a site called ExperienceProject. They have groups for people living in sexless and almost sexless marriages. It's really helped bring a lot of clarity to my feelings and is worth checking out.

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