Who initiates in your house??

rladd6421

been with my bf for almost 4yrs and i have always been the initiator. it got to the point where i told him i would no longer initiate and that if he wanted it he would have to initiate. now it only happens once or if i'm lucky twice a yr.

AuddAlise

I used to try for years and always got turned down (I have a headache, my stomach hurts, I just ate...etc.) It demoralized me and made me very mad at my husband. I thought he was cheating due to the lack of sex. I thought he wanted to leave. Finally I started telling myself in a mantra "He doesn't love you, he doesn't want you, just move on". We have sex maybe 2-3 times a month and he has to initiate it; I refuse to be turned down again.

I started losing weight and being more active so I had an outlet for all my "extra" energy. I make sure that I do more for my kids. I have found other channels for my needs. I don't cheat though.

belladonna786

My husband is a horn dog, I never get a chance to initiate!

trophywife24

Both of us.
I used to never initiate it and my husband finally told me that he hates that. I honestly didn't even realize that's what was going on or realize that it was a problem. I've since changed that, so now it's probably a 50/50 split.

jessicalynn75

Well, considering I am single...the booty call usually texts and one of us will go to the other. That sounds horrible! I've tried to initiate but it usually doesn't happen then. It's pretty dysfunctional.

NoahandPresleysMom

I'm usually the initiator. I would never ever see my husband leaving over anything like that though. SOmething else is obviously going on. My husband and I have been together 10 years and both times i was pregnant we never had sex because i was high risk, and it never made a difference. It really shouldnt!!!!

Shelbert79

I think it's about equal. We usually 'tease' eachother during the day so we know what's on our mind for later. It's nice because we can keep ourselves excited, so to speak, and looking forward to bedtime. It can be boring for both parties to have the same 'nudge' for sex everytime you want to do it. Keeping it interesting has really helped.

kenazfehu

Initiation would be very rare; I'm not that interested in being touched.

TraciStivers

I would say initiation is 50/50 in my marriage. Marriage vows are just that "vows". He has some other issue. After 16 years, I'm guessing he's bored. DO NOT blame yourself. It takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two to make a marriage fail. My suggestion: Have a sincere heart to heart, be understanding and non judgemental and ask him if he's bored with your marriage or if there is some other underlying issue. Then work together to come up with a solution and actually do your solution. Don't just let it fall by the wayside. Good luck!

logicman69

I've tried to initiate but it usually doesn't happen then.

I'm pretty sure if you said "Get here NOW", any guy would drop whatever they were doing and head on over. I know I would...

scottg1024

I'm often the one that initiates...but only if I'm sure the wife isn't coming home or going to walk in on me.

AuddAlise

I used to be the initiator 100% of the time. But, after being rejected 100% of the time, I stopped initiating.

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about it. It's actually really hard for me to talk about because I start to get really teary over it. The response I get from him time and time again is that sex just isn't important to him. Honestly, I think he'd rather play a board game or hide out in his office planning his next Dungeons and Dragons encounter. He'll usually use the excuse that he's too tired but then he'll stay up for hours after I give up and go to bed.

Even though you acquiesce to your husband's needs, I can see where he's coming from. In the beginning, my hubby would still have sex with me once in a while (not nearly what I'd come to expect from previous relationships) but at least it was something. When you're the initiator 100% of the time, even if your partner is willing, it starts to sting.

At first, I wondered if it was me. I'd ask him all the time what I could be doing to make him desire me but he couldn't answer. I'm a very open-minded lover with a kinky streak so I tried and tried to see if maybe he was into something weird that he was ashamed to talk about. No dice.

I started to feel cheap each time I'd ask for sex. Rejection hurt but even when we did have sex, I'd feel this overwhelming sense of shame. Like I was a bad person for "making" my own husband sleep with me. Things would feel pleasurable in the moment and then I'd feel sick and sad and confused afterward because the act was so devoid of the truly passionate, emotional and physical connection I so desperately crave.

The longer we went between sexual encounters, the more I began to ask myself, "What's wrong with ME for needing sex so badly from someone who isn't interested???" I began to get more and more awkward when trying to initiate sex because things kept getting more and more rusty. The little sex we used to have wasn't worth phoning home about because we never got to fall into any kind of rhythm or sense of familiarity. And he could seemingly care less about getting to know what makes my body tick. He's certainly never expressed any curiosity or attempted any iota of foreplay.

It took a long time for me to accept that my husband's lack of desire is not my fault and that there isn't anything I can do to change that. Today, the thought of having sex with him seems almost absurd. I lost my desire for him when I began to see it wasn't mutual in the way I needed it to be. I will still give his ego positive strokes now and then and try to make him feel sexy because I feel that is my obligation as his wife and because I love him. But the part of me that lusted after him for so many years has died.

Unfortunately, that's not to say that my libido died. I feel trapped in a state of near-combustion every day. I have to be careful about who I make friends with because I'm terrified of being tempted by an affair. Particularly now that I have my body back because I'm cute and geeky in a way that makes a lot of guys crazy for me. I get depressed easily. I get moody and frustrated when I'm ovulating. I feel empty and guilty after masturbating because I wish I could turn that part of me off.

I always loved sex and have always needed a lot of physical attention. I thought I could learn to live with out it but it's turned out to be so much harder than I expected. I've actually scheduled an appointment with a shrink next week just to try and process it more.

I am sitting ta my desk with tears in my eyes. I could have written your post; word for word. {{hugs}}

iAMsmiling

I initiate less and less. There is only many times I can handle getting shot down so I limit my efforts to that number.
My wife initiates every 3rd or 4th or 5th month...which is the only time we have sex.

It's good that he is telling you what he wants, but is threatening to leave a reasonable way of communicating those needs? I don't think so.

BlackStarDeceiver

I see the lotion, Kleenex, and dolls I've made from human hair and I just can't help myself


*shivers with excitement*

iAMsmiling

I used to be the initiator 100% of the time. But, after being rejected 100% of the time, I stopped initiating.

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about it. It's actually really hard for me to talk about because I start to get really teary over it. The response I get from him time and time again is that sex just isn't important to him. Honestly, I think he'd rather play a board game or hide out in his office planning his next Dungeons and Dragons encounter. He'll usually use the excuse that he's too tired but then he'll stay up for hours after I give up and go to bed.

Even though you acquiesce to your husband's needs, I can see where he's coming from. In the beginning, my hubby would still have sex with me once in a while (not nearly what I'd come to expect from previous relationships) but at least it was something. When you're the initiator 100% of the time, even if your partner is willing, it starts to sting.

At first, I wondered if it was me. I'd ask him all the time what I could be doing to make him desire me but he couldn't answer. I'm a very open-minded lover with a kinky streak so I tried and tried to see if maybe he was into something weird that he was ashamed to talk about. No dice.

I started to feel cheap each time I'd ask for sex. Rejection hurt but even when we did have sex, I'd feel this overwhelming sense of shame. Like I was a bad person for "making" my own husband sleep with me. Things would feel pleasurable in the moment and then I'd feel sick and sad and confused afterward because the act was so devoid of the truly passionate, emotional and physical connection I so desperately crave.

The longer we went between sexual encounters, the more I began to ask myself, "What's wrong with ME for needing sex so badly from someone who isn't interested???" I began to get more and more awkward when trying to initiate sex because things kept getting more and more rusty. The little sex we used to have wasn't worth phoning home about because we never got to fall into any kind of rhythm or sense of familiarity. And he could seemingly care less about getting to know what makes my body tick. He's certainly never expressed any curiosity or attempted any iota of foreplay.

It took a long time for me to accept that my husband's lack of desire is not my fault and that there isn't anything I can do to change that. Today, the thought of having sex with him seems almost absurd. I lost my desire for him when I began to see it wasn't mutual in the way I needed it to be. I will still give his ego positive strokes now and then and try to make him feel sexy because I feel that is my obligation as his wife and because I love him. But the part of me that lusted after him for so many years has died.

Unfortunately, that's not to say that my libido died. I feel trapped in a state of near-combustion every day. I have to be careful about who I make friends with because I'm terrified of being tempted by an affair. Particularly now that I have my body back because I'm cute and geeky in a way that makes a lot of guys crazy for me. I get depressed easily. I get moody and frustrated when I'm ovulating. I feel empty and guilty after masturbating because I wish I could turn that part of me off.

I always loved sex and have always needed a lot of physical attention. I thought I could learn to live with out it but it's turned out to be so much harder than I expected. I've actually scheduled an appointment with a shrink next week just to try and process it more.

Also...^^ this, perfectly said.

Ta2dchic20

I used to be the initiator 100% of the time. But, after being rejected 100% of the time, I stopped initiating.

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about it. It's actually really hard for me to talk about because I start to get really teary over it. The response I get from him time and time again is that sex just isn't important to him. Honestly, I think he'd rather play a board game or hide out in his office planning his next Dungeons and Dragons encounter. He'll usually use the excuse that he's too tired but then he'll stay up for hours after I give up and go to bed.

Even though you acquiesce to your husband's needs, I can see where he's coming from. In the beginning, my hubby would still have sex with me once in a while (not nearly what I'd come to expect from previous relationships) but at least it was something. When you're the initiator 100% of the time, even if your partner is willing, it starts to sting.

At first, I wondered if it was me. I'd ask him all the time what I could be doing to make him desire me but he couldn't answer. I'm a very open-minded lover with a kinky streak so I tried and tried to see if maybe he was into something weird that he was ashamed to talk about. No dice.

I started to feel cheap each time I'd ask for sex. Rejection hurt but even when we did have sex, I'd feel this overwhelming sense of shame. Like I was a bad person for "making" my own husband sleep with me. Things would feel pleasurable in the moment and then I'd feel sick and sad and confused afterward because the act was so devoid of the truly passionate, emotional and physical connection I so desperately crave.

The longer we went between sexual encounters, the more I began to ask myself, "What's wrong with ME for needing sex so badly from someone who isn't interested???" I began to get more and more awkward when trying to initiate sex because things kept getting more and more rusty. The little sex we used to have wasn't worth phoning home about because we never got to fall into any kind of rhythm or sense of familiarity. And he could seemingly care less about getting to know what makes my body tick. He's certainly never expressed any curiosity or attempted any iota of foreplay.

It took a long time for me to accept that my husband's lack of desire is not my fault and that there isn't anything I can do to change that. Today, the thought of having sex with him seems almost absurd. I lost my desire for him when I began to see it wasn't mutual in the way I needed it to be. I will still give his ego positive strokes now and then and try to make him feel sexy because I feel that is my obligation as his wife and because I love him. But the part of me that lusted after him for so many years has died.

Unfortunately, that's not to say that my libido died. I feel trapped in a state of near-combustion every day. I have to be careful about who I make friends with because I'm terrified of being tempted by an affair. Particularly now that I have my body back because I'm cute and geeky in a way that makes a lot of guys crazy for me. I get depressed easily. I get moody and frustrated when I'm ovulating. I feel empty and guilty after masturbating because I wish I could turn that part of me off.

I always loved sex and have always needed a lot of physical attention. I thought I could learn to live with out it but it's turned out to be so much harder than I expected. I've actually scheduled an appointment with a shrink next week just to try and process it more.

I am sitting ta my desk with tears in my eyes. I could have written your post; word for word. {{hugs}}

Nice to know I'm in good company.

alicialee05

been with my bf for almost 4yrs and i have always been the initiator. it got to the point where i told him i would no longer initiate and that if he wanted it he would have to initiate. now it only happens once or if i'm lucky twice a yr.

you've only been together 4 years and you're already down to once/twice a year? This is a serious problem.

alicialee05

I guess to answer the question, my husband initiates most of the time. Probably 90% of the time. We've been together for close to 7 years, and it's pretty much what works for us. Usually about 4-5 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on what's going on in our lives.... and to be honest- how moody I am. HA!

I'm seeing through these posts how important this is in a marriage, so I'm happy to have learned something so early on in ours. I think we're due for a little chat later on to get his thoughts.

Great topic.

jessicalynn75

I've tried to initiate but it usually doesn't happen then.

I'm pretty sure if you said "Get here NOW", any guy would drop whatever they were doing and head on over. I know I would...

I wish that was true! Because I often feel like saying that! Lol

hbrittingham

I used to be the initiator 100% of the time. But, after being rejected 100% of the time, I stopped initiating.

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about it. It's actually really hard for me to talk about because I start to get really teary over it. The response I get from him time and time again is that sex just isn't important to him. Honestly, I think he'd rather play a board game or hide out in his office planning his next Dungeons and Dragons encounter. He'll usually use the excuse that he's too tired but then he'll stay up for hours after I give up and go to bed.

Even though you acquiesce to your husband's needs, I can see where he's coming from. In the beginning, my hubby would still have sex with me once in a while (not nearly what I'd come to expect from previous relationships) but at least it was something. When you're the initiator 100% of the time, even if your partner is willing, it starts to sting.

At first, I wondered if it was me. I'd ask him all the time what I could be doing to make him desire me but he couldn't answer. I'm a very open-minded lover with a kinky streak so I tried and tried to see if maybe he was into something weird that he was ashamed to talk about. No dice.

I started to feel cheap each time I'd ask for sex. Rejection hurt but even when we did have sex, I'd feel this overwhelming sense of shame. Like I was a bad person for "making" my own husband sleep with me. Things would feel pleasurable in the moment and then I'd feel sick and sad and confused afterward because the act was so devoid of the truly passionate, emotional and physical connection I so desperately crave.

The longer we went between sexual encounters, the more I began to ask myself, "What's wrong with ME for needing sex so badly from someone who isn't interested???" I began to get more and more awkward when trying to initiate sex because things kept getting more and more rusty. The little sex we used to have wasn't worth phoning home about because we never got to fall into any kind of rhythm or sense of familiarity. And he could seemingly care less about getting to know what makes my body tick. He's certainly never expressed any curiosity or attempted any iota of foreplay.

It took a long time for me to accept that my husband's lack of desire is not my fault and that there isn't anything I can do to change that. Today, the thought of having sex with him seems almost absurd. I lost my desire for him when I began to see it wasn't mutual in the way I needed it to be. I will still give his ego positive strokes now and then and try to make him feel sexy because I feel that is my obligation as his wife and because I love him. But the part of me that lusted after him for so many years has died.

Unfortunately, that's not to say that my libido died. I feel trapped in a state of near-combustion every day. I have to be careful about who I make friends with because I'm terrified of being tempted by an affair. Particularly now that I have my body back because I'm cute and geeky in a way that makes a lot of guys crazy for me. I get depressed easily. I get moody and frustrated when I'm ovulating. I feel empty and guilty after masturbating because I wish I could turn that part of me off.

I always loved sex and have always needed a lot of physical attention. I thought I could learn to live with out it but it's turned out to be so much harder than I expected. I've actually scheduled an appointment with a shrink next week just to try and process it more.

I am sitting ta my desk with tears in my eyes. I could have written your post; word for word. {{hugs}}

Nice to know I'm in good company.

This makes me so sad. Because I have been there.

My husband and I have been together for almost 23 years. At the beginning of our relationship, I used to initiate a lot. He turned me down a lot. I am extremely sensitive and finally said to him that he would have to initiate from that point on. I never initiated again. I never turned him down when he initiated either.

Jump forward 10-12 years and we were busy with work, our son and had other issues going on (substance abuse on his end), so it got less and less frequent. Maybe a couple of times a month? I don't know. I don't really remember. I do know that the last time we had been intimate, things hadn't gone well and eventually I assumed we weren't having sex anymore because he was impotent due to some of the medications he was on.

Then we went a long period without being intimate. We drifted apart. He became my roommate and that was all. We lived together, but we didn't enjoy each other's company anymore. I told him I wanted to split up. You don't have a marriage without intimacy and trust (another issue I had with him stemming from the previous substance abuse). He convinced me to go to marriage counseling. I did, but only for him to learn how to live without me in his life. I had no intention of staying with him, but I wanted him to have the counseling so he could learn how to be by himself after spending 22 years with me.

Two months into the counseling we were discussing not having a sex life and I said it was because he was impotent. He said he wasn't impotent, he thought it was because I might turn him down because it had been so long (I wouldn't have, I never turned him down any time he wanted it). When we were intimate, it was always very good and was one of the things I knew I would never find again, someone who was so totally compatible with me intimately.

We were sleeping in separate bedrooms at the time. That night I knocked on his door and asked him if he wanted to come visit me. He did. Two nights later he moved back into my bedroom with me.

It's been 5 months since that night and we are more committed to each other than we ever were before. We always shared core values, but we almost lost our marriage after we lost our intimacy. To those who are going through this in their marriage, please seek out some counseling. It really can help if you can figure out WHY you are feeling so distant that you aren't intimate in your marriage anymore. I totally understand where you all are coming from, I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. Now I don't have to and neither does my husband.