Who initiates in your house??

TylerJ76

Me.
My hand doesn't know any better..

AnahitaCanDoIt

I used to be the initiator 100% of the time. But, after being rejected 100% of the time, I stopped initiating.

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about it. It's actually really hard for me to talk about because I start to get really teary over it. The response I get from him time and time again is that sex just isn't important to him. Honestly, I think he'd rather play a board game or hide out in his office planning his next Dungeons and Dragons encounter. He'll usually use the excuse that he's too tired but then he'll stay up for hours after I give up and go to bed.

Even though you acquiesce to your husband's needs, I can see where he's coming from. In the beginning, my hubby would still have sex with me once in a while (not nearly what I'd come to expect from previous relationships) but at least it was something. When you're the initiator 100% of the time, even if your partner is willing, it starts to sting.

At first, I wondered if it was me. I'd ask him all the time what I could be doing to make him desire me but he couldn't answer. I'm a very open-minded lover with a kinky streak so I tried and tried to see if maybe he was into something weird that he was ashamed to talk about. No dice.

I started to feel cheap each time I'd ask for sex. Rejection hurt but even when we did have sex, I'd feel this overwhelming sense of shame. Like I was a bad person for "making" my own husband sleep with me. Things would feel pleasurable in the moment and then I'd feel sick and sad and confused afterward because the act was so devoid of the truly passionate, emotional and physical connection I so desperately crave.

The longer we went between sexual encounters, the more I began to ask myself, "What's wrong with ME for needing sex so badly from someone who isn't interested???" I began to get more and more awkward when trying to initiate sex because things kept getting more and more rusty. The little sex we used to have wasn't worth phoning home about because we never got to fall into any kind of rhythm or sense of familiarity. And he could seemingly care less about getting to know what makes my body tick. He's certainly never expressed any curiosity or attempted any iota of foreplay.

It took a long time for me to accept that my husband's lack of desire is not my fault and that there isn't anything I can do to change that. Today, the thought of having sex with him seems almost absurd. I lost my desire for him when I began to see it wasn't mutual in the way I needed it to be. I will still give his ego positive strokes now and then and try to make him feel sexy because I feel that is my obligation as his wife and because I love him. But the part of me that lusted after him for so many years has died.

Unfortunately, that's not to say that my libido died. I feel trapped in a state of near-combustion every day. I have to be careful about who I make friends with because I'm terrified of being tempted by an affair. Particularly now that I have my body back because I'm cute and geeky in a way that makes a lot of guys crazy for me. I get depressed easily. I get moody and frustrated when I'm ovulating. I feel empty and guilty after masturbating because I wish I could turn that part of me off.

I always loved sex and have always needed a lot of physical attention. I thought I could learn to live with out it but it's turned out to be so much harder than I expected. I've actually scheduled an appointment with a shrink next week just to try and process it more.

Also...^^ this, perfectly said.

I agree. Resonates. I feel for you. I hope you can find a resolution.

crystalflame

It's pretty even. I read somewhere once that a guy has a physical need to...er...release once every 72 hours, and if they do that it helps with moodiness and depression. We both initiate whenever we're in the mood, but if it's going on 3 days I make a point to get something started whether I want to or not. It's made our whole relationship SO much better because a lot of his angsty, angry fits have stopped.

That said, there was a time where I felt like I was ALWAYS asking for it. It was hurtful, so I asked him to start it more and he did. I think that's really important - communication and respect for each other can't be valued highly enough.

AnahitaCanDoIt

This is hard reading.

RobfromLakewood

good question, made me think, I'd have to say 50-50, but not back and forth. It seems I'll be initiating for a while, then my wife well. I wonder if it means anything, good or bad that it works that way?

sho3girl

50 shades of grey!!!! READ IT!!!

A couple other options - Something Blue, Something Borrowed(short story collections), the Sleeping Beauty trilogy, the Black Dagger Brotherhood (vampires) and lots more!

Don't read the Sleeping Beauty trilogy and then do 30 Day Shred, though...because when you're doing the high knees, you'll be thinking about a certain scene from the book and it'll ruin your concentration :laugh:

that sounds motivational ...

notsosimplyabby

HE does 90% of the initiating. He has expressed to me how much it bothers him and he doesn't feel needed or important. I have tried and tried to accomodate his needs, but ultimately I back away from initiating because I am not comfortable with myself. I know that if I felt healthy, fit, and ultimately more "beautiful," I'd be more confident to just "go for it" and it would be closer to the top of my priority list! Maybe the same is for you?

ALSO: Guys are in the mood anytime & something has to put girls in the mood, whether its a thought, a look, a touch, whatever.

jessicalynn75

ALSO: Guys are in the mood anytime & something has to put girls in the mood, whether its a thought, a look, a touch, whatever.

Agree! But those things can make you get in that mood pretty quickly sometimes!

karynspeace

It's nice to see honesty on the boards. Thank you for your insight!

LittleBallofFurr

Ok--I have been married for 16 years and my husband threatened to leave me the other day because he is tired of always being the one to intiate sex. I rarely say no when he intiates--but I only am the aggressor maybe once ever couple of months.He said that he doesn't feel wanted.

I'm really trying to work on it but I can go quite awhile before I even think about it. I love my husband very much but we have alot of stress and it tends the be less on my priority list then his. But like I said--I don't hardly ever tell him no and we are together probably 4 or 5 times a week. What is the norm in your relationship?

After 16 years he is going to leave you over something as petty as that?
Obviously there are other problems.
Especially if you rarely turn him down.
But, to answer your question, my wife is usually the one who initiates.

this....if he is leaving over that....there may be other issues? Good luck either way!!

penrbrown

I think you should both seek marriage counseling and separate counseling. It's clear you have some tough issues to work out and NOBODY here is qualified to give you the advice and help you need.

WendyTerry420

We've been married 18 years, but I have to say that it's pretty even. And OP, just so you know, sex is an awesome stress reliever.

AnahitaCanDoIt

ALSO: Guys are in the mood anytime & something has to put girls in the mood, whether its a thought, a look, a touch, whatever.

This sweeping generalisation is untrue. Lots of women on this thread can testify to that. The fact is, many men aren't as horny as they are made out to be as much as very few women hate/tolerate sex the way the stereotype dictates.


I have also anecdotally observed the following ... I'm not generalizing... merely making my observations based on men my friends and I know:

SOME guys who play video games excessively lose their libido whether it's tiredness or that they get all their testosterone out in a game?

SOME men have hormonal problems and low testosterone as they age causing them to not be randy.

SOME men who aren't happy themselves lose their sex drive.

farfoorah

My hands always initiate with my *****...

vkruithof

Tell him it could be worse. I initiate it 99.99% of the time and I get turned down about 90% of the time. I would have probably left by now but I know I would lose half my stuff.

I'm with you, except substitute 100% for 99%, 75% for 90%, and "most my stuff and future earnings" for "half my stuff". I am so sick of its one sidedness that it saps my will to live away. (Yes, there's a lot more to this story too)

That is just not right. What a waste of prime man!

trophywife24

This thread has been all sorts of depressing.

BalenciaLynn

I think its even. I find i initiate in the morning and he does in the evening

I find it fun to jump his bones as soon as he gets out of the shower

ILoveTheBrowns

I used to be the initiator 100% of the time. But, after being rejected 100% of the time, I stopped initiating.

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about it. It's actually really hard for me to talk about because I start to get really teary over it. The response I get from him time and time again is that sex just isn't important to him. Honestly, I think he'd rather play a board game or hide out in his office planning his next Dungeons and Dragons encounter. He'll usually use the excuse that he's too tired but then he'll stay up for hours after I give up and go to bed.

Even though you acquiesce to your husband's needs, I can see where he's coming from. In the beginning, my hubby would still have sex with me once in a while (not nearly what I'd come to expect from previous relationships) but at least it was something. When you're the initiator 100% of the time, even if your partner is willing, it starts to sting.

At first, I wondered if it was me. I'd ask him all the time what I could be doing to make him desire me but he couldn't answer. I'm a very open-minded lover with a kinky streak so I tried and tried to see if maybe he was into something weird that he was ashamed to talk about. No dice.

I started to feel cheap each time I'd ask for sex. Rejection hurt but even when we did have sex, I'd feel this overwhelming sense of shame. Like I was a bad person for "making" my own husband sleep with me. Things would feel pleasurable in the moment and then I'd feel sick and sad and confused afterward because the act was so devoid of the truly passionate, emotional and physical connection I so desperately crave.

The longer we went between sexual encounters, the more I began to ask myself, "What's wrong with ME for needing sex so badly from someone who isn't interested???" I began to get more and more awkward when trying to initiate sex because things kept getting more and more rusty. The little sex we used to have wasn't worth phoning home about because we never got to fall into any kind of rhythm or sense of familiarity. And he could seemingly care less about getting to know what makes my body tick. He's certainly never expressed any curiosity or attempted any iota of foreplay.

It took a long time for me to accept that my husband's lack of desire is not my fault and that there isn't anything I can do to change that. Today, the thought of having sex with him seems almost absurd. I lost my desire for him when I began to see it wasn't mutual in the way I needed it to be. I will still give his ego positive strokes now and then and try to make him feel sexy because I feel that is my obligation as his wife and because I love him. But the part of me that lusted after him for so many years has died.

Unfortunately, that's not to say that my libido died. I feel trapped in a state of near-combustion every day. I have to be careful about who I make friends with because I'm terrified of being tempted by an affair. Particularly now that I have my body back because I'm cute and geeky in a way that makes a lot of guys crazy for me. I get depressed easily. I get moody and frustrated when I'm ovulating. I feel empty and guilty after masturbating because I wish I could turn that part of me off.

I always loved sex and have always needed a lot of physical attention. I thought I could learn to live with out it but it's turned out to be so much harder than I expected. I've actually scheduled an appointment with a shrink next week just to try and process it more.

i jsut ended a 4 year relationship and couldnt have explained why i did it any better then this...word for word

MireyGal76

I'm single now... so I initiate 100% of the time... lol. I'm not telling how often tho!

SoViLicious

Me me me! All the time.